Secret Identity
The alarm beeps, it's boring monotone a stark opposite of what I am feeling. Almost immediately as I wake up, a flood of memories bombards me; Miki and I have finally taken the next big step in a relationship. The feeling is fresh, almost as if it happened just a few seconds ago. I've been feeling this way for the past few days. It wakes me up faster than getting doused with icy water. Energetic and excited for the rest of the day, I jump out of bed, a bit shocked at myself after I actually bothered to fix my bed after weeks of being in Yamaku. I guess it can't be helped; I was on top of the world.
After a change of clothes, I walk out my door ready for the morning's jog. The doorway opposite mine creaks open. Kenji's head pops out and, despite the thickness of his spectacles, I think I can see him squinting at me in the darkness.
"Is that you homie?" he asks, his voice cracking. Did he seriously just call me
homie?
"Uhh, it's me, I think. At least I'm sure since the last time I checked myself."
"Oh, good." He pauses to scratch his messy hair. "What are you doing up late?"
"
Up late?" I squint back at him. "It's 5:30 AM."
He coughs and straightens up his posture and his wrinkled school jacket. I think he slept in with his uniform on.
"Yeah, I knew that," he mutters. "I was just testing you."
"Sure, Kenji." I roll my eyes. He's practically blind, so I'm positive he didn't see that.
His mouth opens to say something, but he stops when a door creaks from behind me. His eyes slowly open wide and, without warning, I flinch at the sound of him slamming his door shut.
I scratch my head in bewilderment. What scared him off? I guess I couldn't be ungrateful; at least I didn't have to deal with his anti-feminism ramblings for the rest of the morning.
As I turn around to leave, I find someone's torso peeking out of the door beside mine. He's half-naked, ripped, and yawning. I barely recognize him without his glasses.
"Good morning, Kento. I didn't know your room was right beside mine." He's not responding. I blink at him. He's squinting at me. I guess he can barely see without his glasses. Either that or it's just way too early for him to be up.
"It's me?" I speak again, a bit louder this time. "Hisao Nakai?"
He squints even harder and blinks slowly. I feel a massive case of deja vu coming up.
His eyes widen ever so slightly as he gains some cognition of who I am. But they're not wide enough. He's still very sleepy. I don't think he's a morning person.
"Oh... hey Hisao." He yawns again. "What b-brings you up so e-early?"
"Off for a morning jog," I mutter, a bit concerned about him. "Hey, I didn't wake you up, now, did I?" I'm biting the inside of my cheek in unease.
He shakes his head, his hand slipping off the frame of his door as he teeters a bit. Thankfully, he regains his balance before he could plaster his face on the floor."Wh-whoa," he exclaims more calmly than I expected. I think that woke him up quite a bit.
"N-nah, you didn't. I-I'm fine." He waves a hand in front of his face to try and dismiss the issue, but he looks at his feet and frowns right away. "A-actually, y-you kinda d-did. B-but it wasn't a p-problem, r-really!" He's waving both hands in front of me now, half-bowing in quick intervals, his expression more embarrassed than mine. Kento may be humble, and that is a very admirable trait, but sometimes I think he's stooping to doormat levels.
"No, man, it was my fault. I bumped into Kenji and he started a chain of babbling like he always does. Actually, I think it's his fault. I think something scared him away, though..." I trail away when I realize that the guy's squinting at me again, and this time it's not because he can hardly see me.
A few short seconds later, Kento's bursting in laughter. I can literally feel the bulletin board behind me shuddering from his loud guffaws. I'm flinching in embarrassment and discomfort from the volume of his "AHAHAHA!!", silently hoping that he didn't wake anyone up with his uproar.
It felt like an eternity before he stopped. I'm positive that he isn't sleepy anymore while he rubbed off the chortles from his face and eyes. I don't think I'll ever get used to his laughter.
"Oh man," he mumbles. "He was hiding from me again?"
A confused look covers my face. "Does he have a reason to hide from you?"
"I guess? He thinks I'm his doppelganger and that if he sees me, he'll d-die." He shrugs. "That Kenji guy s-sure is supers-stitious."
I nod slowly, acknowledging Kenji's typically strange behavior. No wonder I felt the strongest sensation of deja vu a moment ago. But despite agreeing with him, I'm still skeptical about certain things.
"Wait. If you know that he thinks that looking at you will kill him, how did you find out without asking him? Knowing Kenji, he'd be practically invisible if he didn't want to be found... or at least he'd think he is."
"M-my E-English tutor t-told m-me," he stammered out, looking a bit ashamed. "I'm p-probably not supposed t-to say this since sh-she's not one t-to g-gossip, b-but she said that sh-she made an exception b-because it was f-for my own s-sake." He scratches the back of his head. "P-please don't tell anyone I told you."
I don't exactly know who he was referring to, but he seemed genuinely worried about talking about her. Though to be honest, I have the slightest inkling that I know who Kento's talking about.
"Sure thing," I confirm to him irregardless and nod. "My lips are sealed."
He sighs in relief. "Th-thanks Hisao. And h-hey, didn't you h-have a j-jog to run off t-to? I think I ate up s-some of your t-time..." He fiddles with the nails of his thumb and index finger, as if considering on biting on them, digging them into each other, or both.
It finally dawns on me that I've been killing way too much time in the boy's dormitory. I hurriedly check my watch. It's a few minutes to 6, and I was supposed to be at the track ten minutes ago. Dammit.
"Thanks for the reminder, Kento!" I rush out, giving him a half-assed nod goodbye before I dart into the lobby and out the door. I didn't really have time to stay around to wait for his reply, but I'm sure he understands.
I reach the track as fast as I could, but apparently I wasn't fast enough. My trainer, my jogging partner, my... my girlfriend, is waiting for me, and she doesn't look very happy. In fact, cross-armed and equally-crossed eyebrows, she looks like she's about to pop a vein. I don't want to think about how long I've made her wait.
"Do you have any idea how long I've had to wait?" Miki says as soon as I stop running. She's read my mind yet again. She's tapping one foot discontentedly. I hold my hand in front of her, signaling her to wait a few more seconds while I catch my breath, but she glares at me harder. I immediately regret doing that.
"Sorry," I cower, wary for any random blow that she might be planning to hit me with. I don't think Miki is a
sufficiently violent girl. I mean she's been known to hit me playfully a few times but... You can never be too sure...
"I got distracted," I attempt to continue to explain, "by small talk from my floor mates, you see, and-."
"Ah, ah, ah! No alibis. No weaseling out of this. I don't want your explanations. I just want you to be here fifteen minutes ago." I flinch at her words, slightly surprised by the lack of slap or angry poke.
"Fine," I sigh. "What I did was inexcusable. I think I ruined my track record with that one."
Pun not intended, I think, but only to myself. I don't want to inflame this already sensitive position I've gotten myself in. "To be frank, I think you're starting to sound like Emi."
Her expression changes; she looks as though someone doused cold water all over her. I think I just caused her inner turmoil. So much for defusing the situation...
"You're right." She lowers her head in shame. "That was uncalled for."
...Heartbreaker to HQ, I just defused the situation. Over and out.
"But I really am sorry about coming late. It won't happen again. I just wanted to make sure you know that."
"Okay," she puffs. "No empty promises."
"No empty promises," I echo. "And here I thought that being your boyfriend meant I'd get perks," I say mostly to myself.
"Well you won't," Miki glowers. "In fact, what's going to happen this morning is that you'll jog two less laps than normal because I know we're pressed for time. With you obviously being late and all." I shrink at her words. "But tomorrow, you're going to jog two extra to compensate." Dammit all. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth.
"I ran as fast I could all the way here!" I protest. "Doesn't that already count as part of my lap? Can't you at least let me run just one extra tomorrow instead?"
She rests her chin on a hand while she looks up at the slowly-brightening sky, contemplating on my suggestion. After some deep thought, she nods at me.
"Fine," she agrees. "In return, you buy me dinner somewhere fancy." A sly grin creeps up her face.
I cover my face with both hands, slowly reaching up to pull my hair in protest. "Fine," I give in a bit too quickly. "Let's just get this over with. You said you didn't want to be late."
"I knew having a boyfriend meant getting perks," Miki grins while I start stretching ahead of her, the routine practically habit by now. I simply grunt in annoyance.
"What are we doing here again?" I begrudgingly ask Miki as I slide into the corner of the booth.
"You're taking me out to dinner. I thought we talked about it this morning." She slides to my left.
"By
again, I mean, why the Beijing again?" A waitress passes us two menus. It looks like Taro and Lezard don't have their shifts today. A bit understandable, since today was a school day.
"Because A, you suggested the Shanghai. You know we never go to the Shanghai." She hides her face behind her menu. "And B, we both don't know any other good restaurants in this tiny town, so we might as well hang out here. And what's with that getup?"
I look down at myself, moving my arms away to get a better look. I'm looking semi-formal, with slacks, my leather school shoes, a white collared shirt, and an argyle sweater vest. In contrast, she's sporting her usual trip-to-town clothes: a button-down flannel shirt and jeans. "Is there something wrong with what I'm wearing?" I ask, painfully aware that I was a tad bit overdressed. "From what I can tell, I don't have any stains on my shirt."
"Or your vest," she laughs. "You look like a total dork." I would be scowling right now if it weren't for her smile that was as bright as Creation's day. Instead, I settle for pursing my lips and letting my arms fall beside me.
"Hey, are you sure Suzu's okay with us hanging out without her? She was asleep all day. More than usual, I mean."
"She said she was feeling under the weather," Miki confides. "To be honest I was a bit worried about her, but she told me she'd be fine. She did want us to have some alone time, and right now's the first time we've had that in a while. That said... I'll go check on her when we get back."
The waitress comes back to take our orders. "What will our lovely couple be having tonight?" she says. I quail a bit from her words; I'm still not used to this relationship stuff.
"A tofu rice bowl and water, I guess." I think it's plainly obvious that I'm trying my best to lower my dinner bill for us both.
Miki shrugs. "I'll have a bowl of fried pork cutlets and grape soda. Oh! And add a pudding to the order, will ya?" I'm eyeing the girl beside me with pursed lips while she grins mischievously. She's definitely making the best of things right now.
"Don't you have a figure to watch?" I murmur to her as soon as the waitress is out of earshot.
"Figure shmigure," she replies. "I always end up burning off what I eat."
I think I might've looked annoyed, since Miki slowly leans up against me and starts cuddling me from the side, head on my shoulder. "Come on, Hisao. Stop being such a pissbaby. Just enjoy the moment! You can splurge a little if you want." I look down at her inquisitively. "As your health instructor and friend, I am personally recommending it. We both deserve a break."
"You're not a licensed health instructor," I quip.
"I'm the closest thing to a lifeline you have," she replies.
Sighing, I lean my cheek against her head. "Fine. You win. At least I get to enjoy
this."
"Good boy." She smiles.
And just like that, we both grow awkwardly quiet.
...
..
.
We're too quiet.
Miki looking placid. I wonder if she's comfortable in the silence. I mean, I know I am. I'm definitely cozy when a girl is leaning against me and I her. It's just that the thought that she'd prefer if we talked about something, or if I did something with my hands, or whether or not I could toy around with her hair. Maybe if I move, the friction between our skin might make her uncomfortable. I think I should-.
The waitress appears with our tray of food. Anxiety gets the best of me and I almost immediately slide towards her to receive our order. Miki's head wobbles from its support suddenly disappearing. I yelp at my slip-up, almost dropping everything on the tray, and adding another notch of my mistakes for tonight. Thankfully, my reflexes saved every morsel and drop from spilling. A slightly shaken waitress turns to me.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" she asks.
I pause and think for a while. "I'll have a decaf latte, please" I finally decide. "And a few extra napkins."
"I'll be back with your order shortly," she says before bowing and leaving our booth.
I leisurely place all our food in front of their respective owners. As soon as I'm finished, Miki jabs my ribs with a thumb. I let out a very dignified noise that did not sound like a squeal at all.
"What was that for!?" I hiss.
"Dropping me," she replies. If she was pissed a minute ago, she isn't now, her smile a frozen giggle. Clearly a reaction from my not-squeal.
"Sorry about that," I sigh. "I'm not very used to... uh..."
"Touchy feely stuff?"
"I was going to say physical intimacy, but yeah. That."
"Relax, you dweeb," she snickers before turning slightly more somber. "At least you're vocal about it. It doesn't really show, but I'm actually pretty nervous about this."
"You sure?" I ask skeptically. "You seem like you're enjoying yourself."
"Just because I'm having fun doesn't mean I'm not anxious, Hisao," Miki confesses.
"True enough," I admit. "Despite our feelings, I guess we barely know each other."
"Which is why," she begins, hugging my left arm, "we should start now." Our proximity makes me blush.
"Hehurm," I cough. "Maybe we should eat a bit first." She pulls away and paws at a piece of pork cutlet and I get a breather.
"Or maybe," she pops the pork in her mouth, "we can eat
and talk. Ever thought of that, Einstein?"
"Why does everyone have to compare the geek with Einstein?" I complain as I chew on my food.
"So you're admitting that you're a geek?" Miki teases, elbowing me lightly. "It's mostly because you made me see things in a different perspective," she admits. "You know, the whole
relativity thing? I may not be a huge fan of science, but at least I know that much." I can tell that she's a bit embarrassed after confiding me this.
"That was actually kinda sweet," I grin. In return, I get a quick jab to the hip, and I only barely lessened the blow by shifting away too late.
"Don't expect anything as sweet any time soon," she threatens me, but her serious face melts into a smile and a chuckle. We both look at each other with tenderness on our faces before the embarrassment causes me to look away. I'm almost too abashed to check if Miki did the same, but a quick glance tells me that she shied away as well. We start to eat in silence.
The awkwardness was thick enough to cut with a knife. Having the waitress serve my latte in the middle of the quietness didn't make it better; she left just as awkwardly. Although it started off well, my first date is already beginning to spiral down into a crash. So, after five minutes of painful silence, I try and save face.
"I used to play soccer in middle school." I'm pushing stray bits of rice around my bowl with my chopsticks. "I mean, I wasn't good at it or anything. I just played it, partially for fun, but mostly because my friends were part of the soccer club.
"Most of the time I played as the goalkeeper. Nothing ever happened on my side of the field since Shin and Takumi were too good for each other. They'd always be on opposite teams since we'd split everyone up evenly, and they'd never let up on the offensive. Now that I've looked back on all that, I kinda wished that I played a more active role in the team. But at the same time, I'm kinda glad that I didn't really run around much. I might not be here if I did."
I gather up my courage for my next words.
"I... uhh... I have arrhythmia," I finally tell her, confirming all those times that I've implied that I have a fatal affliction. "It's a condition where your heart sucks at being a heart, and it doesn't beat the way it should. I have to drink a mountain of pills every day, I can't overexert myself when I exercise, I can't drink real coffee anymore, and I probably won't live to see the age of 30."
At this point, Miki, who was somber while listening to me, made a disgusted face. "Ugh, Hisao, why do you have to be so morbid?" She holds my left hand with her right. "You'll live a long life as long as I have a say in it." I'm not a hundred percent reassured, but her words at least bring some comfort. I smile slightly, and she smiles back.
"I guess this is the part where I pour out my heart and soul to you?" she asks, half-sarcastically.
"I guess," I echo.
"Hmm," she ponders. "Where do I start... Oh, I know!
"I just wanted to clear this out. I used to dance. A lot. I didn't really care what style it was as long as I could feel my body moving to a beat. You probably saw me do a bit of a ballet-jazz piece that night you, uhh, wandered around school." Urgh. Just the thought of how stupid I was back then makes me cringe.
"Anyway, I run here in Yamaku because I needed something to replace dancing. I needed to exhaust my heart enough for it to feel a steady beat and my feet to follow that rhythm."
"Wow, Miki. I didn't know you could be so poetic," I tell her flatly.
"Shut up." She elbows me playfully.
"My dad and my big brother were extremely supportive to my interests. I love them both to bits. They used to take me everywhere just so I could experience some new dance. Though..." Miki grows solemn. "It all changed after the accident. Not to sound cheesy, or anything."
Of course there was an accident.
"I... umm... It really sucked for me. It sucked a lot. My friends in my old school were too freaked out by the accident. It's for the best, I guess, since it probably means that they weren't much of friends. I lost a hand, obviously. I lost-."
"Oh man, I am so sorry," I interrupt. I couldn't help it; the need to apologize was too compelling. "Your dad and brother, are they...?"
"What?" Miki replies blankly. "Oh. OH! No, no, no! They're fine. They're alive. Everyone's alive, okay?"
Well this is sufficiently awkward.
I must've made a really embarrassed face because Miki is giggling like there's no tomorrow. Even during our most serious moments, I manage to screw things up.
"You are too cute," she wheezes.
Maybe 'screw things up' is too strong of a term.
“Hey,” Miki says after glancing at a clock above the counter. "It's getting kinda late."
I check the clock myself. 8 PM. I smirk. "Isn't it a little too early for your tastes?"
"Normally yes, maybe. But we
really have to go back to Yamaku. I'm kinda worried that I left Suzu alone for too long, and there's class tomorrow, obviously."
"Obviously," I echo before I let out a resounding sigh. "And I was starting to have fun, too..."
"Hey," she reassures me. "Tomorrow's half-day. We could hang out some more in the afternoon with Suzu. And it's not like we're going to spend some time walking there. Stop being such a Debbie Downer."
"Fine," I huff. "I might as well enjoy the rest of the night."
We make our ascent slowly, making the long, long uphill climb.
It's amazing how a climb that, at first, I could barely just make without triggering a heart attack, would become such a trivial chore. Sure, I'm breaking a sweat, but my chest feels completely normal. I really am thankful for the girl beside me, in more ways than one.
The familiar darkness of the Yamaku night is welcoming. The tips of our fingers occasionally graze as our hands swing idly from our sides. Aside from the crickets chirping and our footsteps clanging against the concrete road into the twilight, it's quiet. We're quiet. Despite the silence I'm quite enjoying the moment, but I can't quite help but want to break it.
"You know, ever since I saw you first do it, I've always wanted to see you dance."
Miki looks at me as we're walking, a quizzical expression on her face. It soon slowly melts into one of pride.
"I could show off for you if you want," she tells me a little too cockily.
"Your confidence will be your undoing," I smirk back at her. "Sure, I'll take up your offer."
Miki's slightly flushed while she walks backwards and faces me. "This might be a bit awkward since we don’t have any music. I don't always do this in front of others, you know. I've never even told Suzu that I dance, and she's practically my sister! The only reason you’re getting to see anything like this is because you already saw me, so you shouldn’t feel so special.”
“Sure, sure,” I reply, finding her excessive defensiveness a bit endearing as I try not to smile too broadly.
The pavement is her stage, the moon her spotlight, and I, the audience, am on the leaf-carpeted edge, sitting on the knee-high railings with my hands in my pockets.
She starts off slowly, both arms raising forward for balance as her leg slowly reaches backward. Transitioning between standing on one foot back to two, I slowly get what she meant when she said that it would get awkward without music. I didn’t know what to expect from her performance, but she did. It was like attempting to nod to the beat of a song without drums or bass, but you still wanted to get the rhythm. I couldn’t tell when she’s supposed to be moving fast or slow. All I know is that she’s moving to her own beat, her own rules.
Her dance made was awesome and perplexing. There were times when I knew that her poses were a thing of beauty, but at one point her movements made her look like a gorilla. A very graceful gorilla. I’m not one to critique her since I wasn’t a dancer so I silently watch on, immensely glad that Miki’s voluntarily showing me this side of her.
Without warning, her dance takes a turn for the worst when she gasps and falls. It must’ve been the incline of the hill, I think for a split second, before diving forward and catching her. With my help, she manages to land on a knee and her good hand, but her left shoulder hits my chest. I grunt and fall on my butt, buckling from the sudden impact. My eyes water and my vision goes black while my heart feels like it’s slowly being stabbed by a long needle. I can only faintly hear Miki’s distressed voice, like I was underwater, but I was more concerned about trying to make sure I don’t lose consciousness or stop breathing.
An agonizing eternity later, I find myself in a fetal position on the cold pavement drenched in my own sweat. I’m breathing heavily, but I’m breathing. I look up and find a kneeling Miki bent above me, covering her face as she’s sobbing.
“Hey...” I wheeze and feebly pat on her knee, “I’m okay...”
“H-Hisao!” she wails. “I was so scared. I wanted to go find help, but I couldn’t just l-leave you. I didn’t know what to do and I… Oh Hisao!”
This was the second time I saw the normally strong Miki Miura at her weakest. I slowly get on my own knees and hug her, letting her drench my sweatervest in her warm tears. Considering that I just had a heart flutter and that I’m exhausted, that was probably the most that I could’ve done for her.
We sat like that at the side of the road for some time; I stayed there because I needed time to recuperate, she stayed there because she needed time to put herself together.
“Pull me up?” I whisper to Miki after she’s fallen quiet for some time. She takes her hand away from her face and nods as she gets up, her eyes puffy and red from the crying. When I’m back on my feet, I wrap my left arm around her shoulder for support. In a deafening silence that was worse than at the foot of the hill, we continued to walk.
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