Hideaki: A Tale of Manliness

[Helbereth]

could mean a quick and painful deaf

[Mirage_GSM]

...Wait, why are we assuming he married Akira in his fic? Isn't there another Satou sister?

Lilly appeared in one of the earlier chapters, and then she was definitely not married.
Well, Akira appeared as well, but I was too lazy to reread those passages to see if there were any indications one way or the other.

[Mader Levap]

Guys, this is crackfic. Sanity was left by door.

[DanjaDoom]

"But it was all a dream fanfic!"

Oh come on. HONESTLY? That's really, really cheap. Extra penalty points for your leaving the fourth wall in such a sorry state (and possibly the first as well).

In hindsight, this was a pretty shitty part of the story and I would have just dropped this second part if I could. Buuut, I felt like I should have at least given it a conclusion.

Just feel free to erase this from your headcanon.

I'm writing a new chapter now, and I'm almost done with it. No more crackfics.

[Helbereth]

I don't really have a problem with the fact that it turns out this whole interlude was comprised of Kenji's unrestrained ravings, though it would have been less of a headache had you introduced that fact in the first place. Instead, you let it flow as though it merely continued the misadventures of a confused, sarcastic, cross-dressing, teenage anti-sycophant.

What does surprise me is that Kenji chose to turn Shizune into a master of some secretive martial art, making her into a kind of hero, which seems to conflict with his view of her in High School--though, I suppose views can change with exposure. Having him write his own name wrong, though... that's either a ridiculous mistake on your part(his last name is Setou, not Satou--it's a subtle vowel change, but makes a big difference), or planned as a sort of Freudian slip--his secret infatuation with Lilly and or Akira spilling over in his writing(Feel free to claim that was your intent all along.)

[Dr. Robotnik]

I got that you were just trying to make this as absurd as possible and wrap it up, but you could've done it a lot better (for example, Tails gets Trolled went from unintentionally awful to a self-parody about a third of way through, it was amazing). At least it's over.

[DanjaDoom]

I got that you were just trying to make this as absurd as possible and wrap it up, but you could've done it a lot better (for example, Tails gets Trolled went from unintentionally awful to a self-parody about a third of way through, it was amazing). At least it's over.

Yeah, I've pretty much established that writing this two-parter was a big mistake and it just turned out to be a piece of shit. If it seems to you like I didn't really give a shit about it at some parts, then you'd be right. I appreciate your feedback, but I'm going to go ahead and throw these chapters in the trash, heh.

[Hoitash]

I got that you were just trying to make this as absurd as possible and wrap it up, but you could've done it a lot better (for example, Tails gets Trolled went from unintentionally awful to a self-parody about a third of way through, it was amazing). At least it's over.

Yeah, I've pretty much established that writing this two-parter was a big mistake and it just turned out to be a piece of shit. If it seems to you like I didn't really give a shit about it at some parts, then you'd be right. I appreciate your feedback, but I'm going to go ahead and throw these chapters in the trash, heh.

For what its worth man, I thought they were a hoot and a half .

[Helbereth]

For what its worth man, I thought they were a hoot and a half .

I'm with him--they were still good in a totally ridiculous kind of way.

[DanjaDoom]

For what its worth man, I thought they were a hoot and a half .

I'm with him--they were still good in a totally ridiculous kind of way.

Well, it's good to know even my less than perfect entries can be an enjoyable read. Thanks fellas

[Hoitash]

For what its worth man, I thought they were a hoot and a half .

I'm with him--they were still good in a totally ridiculous kind of way.

Well, it's good to know even my less than perfect entries can be an enjoyable read. Thanks fellas

Even in failure, there is success .

If even the work dislike by fans can be appreciated by others, then truly, you have reached some sort of writer zen-like state. Or something profound like that.

[Helbereth]

Even in failure, their is success .

their is success

their

[Hoitash]

image

Their, I fixed it so they're is the appropriate they're, their .

I stand by my words of encouragement, in either case. Or their case, in this case.

[DanjaDoom]

Prepare for some romantic shenan-nan-nanigans!

And no, neio, I'm not British, but thank you for thinking so!

Dateology: Part One
I've lost count of how long I've been out here now, but I’d wager it’s been at least thirty minutes. Thirty long, chilly minutes of picking out lint from my pockets and puffing smoke out of my cheeks because that’s what cool people do. Not me, though. I’m just a sucker.

It all started yesterday afternoon, after the final bell of the day had rung. There’s a girl in my class, Ayane Ishino. She left her notebook on my desk, for some reason, and had gone home before I could catch up to her and give it back. So, being the gentlemanly gentleman that I am, I tried returning it to her this morning. But, according to her friend/personal assistant, Ayane was very busy with her club activities, and wouldn't even be attending class. She was, however, aware that I had the notebook, and offered to meet me after school to pick it up.

And here I am now. A sucker.

The crunching of leaves behind me makes me turn my head. It’s Ayane, wearing a cute orange knit hat with a panda bear backpack. Her wavy, honey brown locks reach down to her waist, and her cheerful golden eyes pop out like a 3D movie. They’re like the opposite of my dads eyes, which just make someone feel like a big bowl of failure.

“I hope I didn’t leave you waiting for too long. You know how clubs are, everybody needs something or other,” she laughs. I try doing the same, but it sounds like an injured moose, so I just stop.

“It’s no trouble,” I wave her off. “I should be heading home now, though. My dad tends to get snoopy if I’m not back early.”

She giggles as I feel my face go red. Was it really necessary to tell my classmate about my dad’s eccentricities?

“Then you better get back home soon.”

“Yeah,” I chuckle uneasily. “Guess I better.”

As I turn to leave, she stops me with a hand on my shoulder and pulls me back towards her.

“Wait, I forgot to thank you!”

“Huh? Oh, that’s fine, you don’t--”

She locks her lips with mine, pushing my words back down into my throat. I can only stand and let her have her way, too stunned to put up any resistance. She keeps a firm grip on my shoulders, making up for our roughly three inch height difference by standing on her tip toes. She breaks off the kiss after about five seconds, but it felt much longer than that.

“See you in class,” she says quietly. A sultry smile graces her face as she saunters away from me.

I have a feeling I won’t be home for a while.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Where in the blue hell have you been, boy?! I’ve spent the last ten minutes making this delectable meal, and you couldn’t even be bothered to give me a call? That’s what’s wrong with youth these days, they think every goddamn thing they do is sooo important! ”

I toss off my school blazer and bookbag, tuning out my fathers inane ramblings only half successfully. Taking a seat on the couch, I get a good look at my dad’s “delectable meal,” which he’s kindly left for me on the coffee table.

“Microwaved ravioli,” I mumble, loosening up my tie and flinging it over the edge of the couch. I catch my father narrowing his eyes, looking me over like a traffic cop.

“You look more like a loser stoner than usual. How many marijuanas did you take today?” he asks demandingly. “Remember, I’ll be more upset if I find out you’re lying.”

“Girl kissed me,” I answer absentmindedly.

“What the hell is that, some street slang?”

I repeat myself, munching on a vitamin c drop I found in my pocket while staring at the television.

“No, I mean a girl kissed me.”

Jigoro remains still in the center of the living room, unsure of how to process this groundbreaking information, let alone how to respond to it.

“Oh... give me a second here,” he tells me before retreating up the stairwell.

Not five minutes later, after I’ve eaten the last piece of ravioli, the front door swings open on its hinges. With a bounding leap, Misha pins me onto the couch like a starving leopard.

“HIDECCHAN HAS A GIRLFRIEND~!!”

I attempt to slither away from her iron vice grip. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten the strength she possesses when in “super girly” mode. It’s immense. I once saw her rip a car door off its hinges to get her Nordstrom card when she found out that all of their summer tops were 15% off.

“How did you find out?” I ask breathlessly.

“JigocchancalledmeandIranoverhereasquickasIcouldandAGGGHHH!!”

[Misha! Heel!]

Misha obediently releases me and returns to my sister’s side.

[Now what’s this about a girlfriend?] Shizune asks me, shutting the front door and taking a seat on the couch.

[Yeah, what is this about a girlfriend? All I got today was a kiss, that’s it!]

[Oh,] she says glumly, clearly disappointed that her need for gossip wasn't satisfied. [Then it appears father lied to me once again. What a shock.]

Said father reappears a few moments later. He has my yearbook from last year in tow, weirdly. He gingerly slams it onto the coffee table, right in front of me.

“Point her out!” he orders, in a gruff yet strangely giddy manner that only my father could pull off.

“What?”

“Show me which girl you’re courting! I’ll determine if she’s worthy of fertilizing the Hakamichi seed.”

I shake my head and mumble under my breath. “For fuck’s sake, dad...”

I being flipping through the yearbook, making sure to quickly skim past any suggestive messages my friends may have left me. Finally, I come across Ayane’s picture on the student council page, a fact that seems to satisfy my dad somewhat.

“Hmph,” he grunts, narrowing his eyes and fondling his werewolf beard. “She’ll do. Invite her over for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Dad, I don’t think that’s—”

“Well it’s a good thing you’re not the one who thinks around here, isn't it? Now bring her over here tomorrow, or you’re fired!”

“Dad, you can’t fire me.”

“I will literally set you on fire.”

“Oookay. Consider her here.”

The two gossip hens waste no time in hounding me once my dad leaves to go fix himself a tuna sandwich.

“Sooo, when did you two meet?” Misha asks with a cutesy intone, after relaying Jigoro's fatherly pep talk to Shizune.

“We haven’t ‘met,’ we’re just acquaintances in class. The most in depth conversation we've had before this was me asking her where the counselors office was.”

[Ahh, a case of love from afar! Very romantic!] gushes my sister, watching us sign our conversation. [I assume we’re invited to dinner tomorrow?]

[Why ask me? You’ll probably just show up anyway like you always do. It gets very annoying, you know; some days I just want to get down to my boxers and eat baked Lays all day. But no, I have to dress up and get all presentable because you decide to drop by.]

[I can’t hear you over the sound of your vagina lips flapping,] Shizune snaps. [Now are you going to invite us or not?]

I should know not to joke around when it comes to dinner dates. Dinner dates are something the Hakamichi family takes very seriously, perhaps more so than should be allowed. If a dinner date goes bad, then by Hakamichi customs it was everybody else’s fault except yours.

[Yes, I guess, Jesus! At least let me talk to the girl first!]

[You have one day,] Shizune warns, turning her middle and pointer finger to her eyes and then back to me for emphasis. Misha follows suit after a few seconds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It’s been a rough few hours. I should have been in bed a while ago, but as heavy and weighed down as my eyes feel, I just can’t lay down and go to sleep. And, for the record, it doesn't solely have to do with the events of this afternoon, though those are certainly contributing factors. I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched.

Every time I look towards the slit in the window curtains, or out into the little crack in my doorway separating my bedroom from the hallway, I can swear I see something darting out of my field of vision. It’s had me on edge, especially with the threat of immolation my father threw my way earlier today.

Suddenly, I hear a creak from the far corner of my room, the telltale squeaking of the polished hardwood that only something of near-human weight can achieve.

“Ok, whoever you are, you better come out! Or I’ll.. probably leave you alone, assuming you’re a demon. I still have school tomorrow, so I’d appreciate it if you could go and haunt my dad’s room. I’ll even give you the number code!”

“It’s not him I’m looking for.”

“Who said that?!” I whisper frantically into the nothingness, sliding under my covers in an attempt to hide myself away.

“Can you please come out from under there? I want to talk to you.”

My terror dissipates ever so slightly as the voice calling to me starts to sound a tad familiar. Peaking over the edge of my linen fortress, I’m greeted by a glowing white sight I thought I had left behind at Mr. Furukawa’s house.

It’s a young girl sitting at the foot of my bed, her straight, purplish-black hair reaching down to her chin. Most striking about her are the autumn colored irises that seem to draw all of the light from the room towards her like a vacuum. That, and she’s all glowy and stuff.

“You?! You’re... you’re that... girl. The one I met at the Furukawa’s party.”

“I’m happy you remember me,” she smiles.

“Why are you here at my house? Shouldn't you be at... your house?”

“Why would I not be able to leave my house?” she asks in a confused tone.

“I thought ghosts couldn't leave their, uh, ‘grounds?’”

She giggles softly like a stereotypical young noblewoman, even bringing her sleeve up to her mouth. On no, wait she’s got something stuck in her throat. She coughs exactly like my dad, disturbingly enough.

“Sorry, something must have gone down wrong...”

“All good,” I tell her. Worrying about her manly cough or how she can even get something stuck in her throat are probably the last things I should be concerned about right now, all things considered.

“Anyway, that’s merely a rumor! We are free to roam wherever we like.”

“Oh, that’s... that’s neat!” I chuckle.

Then an unsettling thought creeps into my brain.

“So, how many other times have you been in the house?...”

“Oh, everyday,” she states, as if saying the sun rises every morning. “I watch you all eat, sleep, throw your trash into the neighbors yard, complain about lag on Modern Warfare, everything! It’s so nice! I feel like part of the family!”

I’m changing the locks.

Oh, wait. Ghost.

Goddammit.

“Uh, welcome to the family, then... so why are you revealing yourself now?”

The friendly ghost girl begins to blush faintly. Against her pale skin, however, it looks like a really bad sunburn.

“I-I've been listening in to, uhm, recent events...”

“You mean my kiss?”

She nods. “I-I don’t think you... I don’t think...”

“You don’t think I what?”

After taking a few deep breaths, she finally finds the words she’s been looking for.

“I don’t think you should invite that gold digging ho!”

“Where’s that language coming from?!”

“I’m sorry! Your sisters friend was watching Love and Hip Hop the other day, and I may have picked up some of the vocabulary...”

“I-it’s cool,” I tell her, still a bit taken aback. And a bit sad. I've found yet another casualty of reality shows. Jeez, that's some low-hanging fruit, isn't it?

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but I’m kinda sorta going to be set on fire if I don’t bring her over tomorrow.”

“Yes, I heard,” she says glumly. It’s good to know that someone at least cares about me in this stupid city, even if it’s a dead girl.

“Then you understand?”

She nods.

“Great! Then I’m... going to go back to sleep.”

“That sounds nice!”

“Yeah, it does!”

….....

“Can you leave now?”

“Oh, right, of course!”

She slides off of my bed like mist in the night, not even leaving a ripple on my comforter. Giving me a courteous bow, she dissipates from the room, the only sign of her leaving being the faint billowing of my curtains.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Hey, Ayane!”

She snaps back upon hearing my voice, her hair swinging like a shampoo commercial. I've tried to talk to her all day, only to be thwarted every time by some contrived circumstance. Apparently nobody can order a Fanta from the soda machine or take a crap in the bathroom without the immediate permission of Ayane Ishido.

“How was your day?” I ask her, smiling. She waves goodbye to her gaggle of friends and leads us over to a nearby water fountain.

She isn’t ripping off my clothing and throwing me onto the wall like I thought she would. I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. It’s kind of split, leaning more towards the latter.

“It was great, thank you for asking! How was yours?”

“Good, yours?”

D’OH!

“Good!” she chuckles. I hope to God she just has a short attention span and isn't just trying to humor the bony, awkward kid.

“Hideaki, about yesterday... I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

I quickly dismiss her worries. “No, no, you don’t need to apologize! Rest assured, you made me very comfortable.”

I see her blush and chuckle nervously. Once again I’m foiled by those pesky words and their double-entendres, and other French words.

“Ahem, I actually came by to... invite you to my house tonight for dinner. Around seven?”

She instantly brightens up and proceeds to lean in and peck me on the cheek.

“I’d love to! Oh, do you mind if I bring my mom and dad? They’re really picky when it come to the boys I date. Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll love you! And if your family is anything like you, they’ll get along swimmingly.”

I have no clue what she just said. I've been too busy smiling like an idiot and feeling my cheek.

“Yeah, sure, that’s cool,” I mumble.

“Thank you so much! I can’t wait to see you tonight!”

For a brief moment, I flash back to G.G’s (I've elected to call her G.G in lieu of whatever the hell her actual name is) warning of Ayane’s gold digging ways. I come to the conclusion that maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
“BAD THING. VERY BAD THING.”

“Hidecchan, just calm down!” Misha pleas.

“This isn't the time for calming down!” I snap. “I just ended my life! I’ll have to down a gallon of chlorine and run into traffic by the time the night is over!”

The realization of what I’d done hadn't hit me until the initial high of my second kiss had worn off. Unfortunately, it was on the bus ride home. I’ve been barred from that particular route for a while, at least until I learn that having a mental breakdown in front of the other students makes for an uncomfortable scene.

[Misha’s right, you’re being ridiculous!] Shizune signs, aggravated by my incessant worrying. [I mean, Dad’s not that bad.]

[Repeat back to yourself what you just said to me.]

[Dad’s not that bad--Oh my God, did I just have a stroke?]

[Thank you! My night’s going to be ruined!]

I throw my head down onto the kitchen table, shaking the glass of orange juice next to me. I've been at this table since I got home. One hour and counting. Hopefully I’ll end up fusing with the chair and become a Digimon, as has been my dream since I was seven.

“Hidecchan, that doesn’t mean you should quit!” Misha encourages. “What kind of man just gives up at the first sign of trouble?”

She groans when I point down to myself.

“You need to pick your head up!”

“I can’t. I hit my nose when I slammed my head down, and I don’t want you to see me crying.”

She grabs me by the back of my collar and yanks me up. “Oh please, quit--oh, you really are crying.”

“Yeah, thanks for making me feel a little less like a man toda--MISHA STOP HUGGING ME.”

“I can’t help it, you look so cute when you cry!”

“YOU'RE NOT HELPING.”

“Five more minutes!”

The last thing I see before I become completely submerged in Misha’s “cavity” is my sister, that damnable feline grin beginning to take shape on her face.

I’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that it’s up to me to make things go right tonight. My dad’s more than likely going to offend Ayane’s family within the first five minutes of them arriving, Shizune and Misha won’t care, and there may or may not be a ghost girl ready to crash the party.

Once again, I’m on my own.

Fine, whatever. As the kids say, let’s get this shit rollin’ my... n-word.

[Helbereth]

“Dad, you can’t fire me.”

“I will literally set you on fire.”

My sides... what did you do to my sides?

[Repeat back to yourself what you just said to me.]

[Dad’s not that bad--Oh my God, did I just have a stroke?]

I think I peed a little after this one.

Were it not 4am, I'd see about that drawing request... maybe tomorrow.

You ninja-deleted the request...? You're sure you're not actually Hideaki IRL?