Christmas with the Hakamichis: A Shizune Christmas Special

[ProfAllister]

Well, it's well-written... for the most part. I feel that a few things on really don't work. I'll try to keep my own headcanon out of this:

She adds, stating what was already obvious with a huge grin and pointing at her face to emphasise her pointless statement.

I understand you learned how to sign just for my daughter. That takes dedication, overcoming a language barrier for somebody you barely know. I’m sure your parents are proud of you.”

“Thank you, but my parents were a little bit skeptical at first. I’ve managed to convince my mom to start learning sign so she can speak to Shizune,”

Uhm... what?

As with the others, I'm happy you didn't make Jigoro the jerk with no redeeming value that is so popular. That being said, I'm not sure the hapless oaf is really an improvement...

Going back through from the top:

Why isn't Misha studying overseas? Or is she just back for the holidays to visit someone else's family? And why was her pea green suitcase traded out for a pink one?

Did I miss the part where Hideaki was vaporised? Misha is here rather than overseas or with her own family with no explanation, and Hideaki is similarly absent during dinner (or invisible and inaudible), also with no explanation?

And you're off on your geography. Shizune and boinked in the guest room Hisao was using, not Shizune's room.

Mayoi... Where to begin?

Hisao's known Shizune for 18 months and they've been dating for 16, and Hisao hadn't met Mayoi by that point? Shizune hadn't even mentioned her? And Misha knew Shizune for at least a year more than Hisao, yet is equally baffled.

Mayoi and Jigoro are clearly on good terms, so that makes divorce extremely unlikely. And I have no idea what sort of career or other impediment would keep her away so consistently.

Making Mayoi partially/formerly deaf and the only signing family member raises several problems, not the least of which being that Shizune would have every reason to be extremely attached to her. That her closest friends would not have met such a major figure - and potentially not know she exists - is simply unbelievable.

Jigoro's inability/unwillingness to learn sign due to mild arthritis stretches credibility, to say the least. On the one hand, arthritis runs the gamut in how impairing it might be and how consistent. On the other, we have every reason to believe that Jigoro is a fishing aficionado. Arthritis that impairs signing would make reeling in a fish somewhere between inference self-inflicted torture and an action that is simply impossible. On the third hand, anecdotal evidence is worthless, but one of the first people I knew who seriously practiced sign language had severe arthritis.

And, not to be pedantic, but Christmas in Japan doesn't work quite the same way as it does for most westerners. It's normally celebrated with KFC and has often been compared to Valentines day.

It's a decent story, and can't really object much on matters of style and description, but the degree to which it conflicts (or is in tension) with canon and various points of fact really becomes distracting.

[Numb]

A lot of words

I fully understand what you're saying, this fic does stretch the canon to it's very limit, though it was difficult keeping the story somewhat believable while keeping a decent standard of writing due to my self-set deadline of Christmas Eve, and as you likely know, reading one's own work and finding errors is a tricky task that usually requires you detach yourself from the plot after finishing. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to do this.

In terms of Mayoi's career, she still works very closely with the Satou family business, spending extended periods in Scotland or another country which they company may send her to. The absence of mention from Shizune was (poorly) covered up with the "surprise" of meeting her mother, which I already recognised after posting the first part. As for Hideaki, I remember him being incredibly quiet in scenes with multiple characters, though he is present at the table. As for Misha, she is visiting Hisao and Shizune for the holidays, and her pea green suitcase has simply been replaced by the pink one. I simply chose to have Misha spend Christmas with old friends instead of her family, though I didn't expand on this like I probably should have.

Now for the points on Japanese culture! The Hakamichi's are, as shown in the canon, a wealthy family, which in my head stated that they would be capable of acquiring a turkey dinner. I'll admit that I didn't do much research on this matter, but I did know about the "Kentucky Fried Christmas" tradition in Japan. Perhaps another excuse could be Mayoi's western habits picked up from her travels, though this is likely me trying to cover up mistakes again.

Jigoro's arthritis was nothing more than a poorly planned excuse. I'll happily state that I struggled writing him in a way that wasn't over the top and extremely arrogant, and I don't have any plans to use him again in the future. Not after this ordeal

As I stated with the opening post, this story was also an experimental piece of work, basically just a way of testing out new ideas and concepts. Overall, I think it was a success in that regard, but the actual plot could use work.

[ProfAllister]

No worries. I tend to be extremely detail-oriented and have spent entirely too much time reflecting on the Hakamichi clan. I don't expect people to be as obsessive about the little things, but I will point them out when I notice them. And I've find that I tend to notice them a lot.

There are of course acceptable breaks from canon. And the occasional contradiction with canon won't kill anyone (something I remind myself constantly when I notice them after the fact in my own work). But its one of those things where the greater the divergence, the less likely people are to accept/ignore it.

And, though my update schedule may imply otherwise, I am well familiar with deadlines and what they can do to a finished product. All the same, the point of feedback is to highlight where something needs polish. And on a public forum like this, there's a third party involved, so pointing out "known issues" still serves a purpose.

As a follow-up point of fact, I'm certainly no expert on Japanese culture, but I'm fairly sure that the idea of Mayoi working for the Satou business when Jigoro doesn't (and hasn't taken the Satou name himself) has implications you may wish to avoid.

Now some narrative-specific things:

Fig leaves: they don't do much, but it's still better than nothing. As we just touched upon, there should atty least be some sort of side comment about Misha being there, even if it's just Hisao wondering why she's here rather than with family. And since Misha's pea-green suitcase was such a big deal last time, there should have at last been some mention about how she apparently has two suitcases that large or something.

He does tend to be quiet and fade into the background, admitted, but I think Hideaki was a bit too much of a non-entity in part two. The single comment to the effect of "I look at him. He hasn't done anything." is easily missed and doesn't really seem sufficient. When detailing a significant conversation event, it's often recommended that the attendees be noted with a short character blurb as the narrator looks around the room - not unlike what was done with Misha, Shizune, and Jigoro. Conversational geography can be very important, and also useful characterisation, especially when there are non-participants present.

I don't want to harp on Mayoi too much - it was a bold choice and a refreshing change of pace - but due to its centrality, it needed some sort of explanation for why she was do consistently absent and unmentioned. And because there's so much attention, a fig leaf isn't enough. That being said, a fig leaf would at least acknowledge that it's a question on the readers' minds. If there were a third part, this would be excusable, under the principle of delayed reaction. To conclude the entire story without addressing it at all (other than the implication that Shizune's been withholding information for over a year for the sake of a surprise) is, well, extremely unsatisfying.

Shizune asking Mayoi why Jigoro never learned sign language is extremely out of place. The unfortunate side effect of this, along with Shizune's total nondisclosure of anything regarding her mother, is that it gives the server that the entire scene it's an elaborate facade to present themselves as a much happier family than they are in reality. And that makes things turn really dark.

All in all, it's a solid effort and a worthwhile concept, but, deadlines aside, I'm not sure it was quite ready for prime time. A couple revisions, another coat of polish, and my issues would probably be relegated to matters of headcanon and personal preference - which I heartily encourage you to disregard if you so choose.