Katawa Shoujo Forums

TacticalBacon wrote:One of the best things i read all week! good job!

thanks! i'm at the university right now, i'll try to add a new chapter when i get home later.. lol

Hanako Nakai wrote:And again, thanks Mirage_GSM for proof reading my work again believe it or not, this story is actually already written inside my mind.. I just happen to struggle with words which I can express on my native language that sadly has no translations in english :/ therefore, whatever I'm actually doing now is rephrasing every sentence on my mind..

Uh, no, I wasn't proofreading it. I was just pointing out some of the most prominent errors. As Helbereth said, fixing all mistakes would be impractical in the forum format. If you want me to proofread your story, either upload the story to google drive and send me a link, or send me a PM, so I can give you my email and you send me a word doc.

_

I definitely see improvement when comparing part one to part 2, which is obviously good. Only a couple comments/typos.
-You used the word "I" 72 times in total, so you should try to cut those down a bit. A good idea is to just write the part with whatever words comes to mind, and then go back and re-write sentences that could be written to not use "I", if that makes any sense.

"I was thinking that, maybe I'll spend those two months preparing for our wedding." too much information came from my mouth, so I'll try to change the topic "by the way Hisao, I've thought of a date for our wedding to be on. It should be on our fifth anniversary."

-Is 2011 really 5 years after they met? Personally, I can't remember, but you may want to double-check this. I also could just be mis-understanding the current date.

We kissed for I don't know how long until we break up the kiss.

-This is a good example of when you should "Show" not "Tell". I'm thinking this up on the spot, but this would be more "Telling"--- "We kissed for what seemed like an eternity, until Hisao and I pulled away from each other's lips."

I think that kiss lasted for about fifteen seconds,

-If you wrote something about how long the kiss lasted before, you don't really need to mention it again.

"Correction. I'm your nerd." he says, he's got a point with that one though.

-Start a new sentence after "he says"-----"I'm your nerd", he says. He's got a point with that one though.

I pat his shoulder and point to the door, where his parents are visibly seen watching us for about half an hour at the front of the door. They must be enjoying our teasing a lot, considering they never bothered telling us how long we've been in front of the door. "Oh right, It's about dinnertime. We should head inside now, so we could help Mom with setting up the table." Hisao says, facing me with a sheepish smile on his face. Damn his smile, I always tend to blush every time I see that innocent smile on his face, it doesn't look forced, and looks great on his face. He should do that more often, we should stall time more often too.

-This is a very good paragraph. There is a nice balance of word choice and dialog, and things feel natural.

All of this teasing is kind of making me hungry, what's for dinner anyway? I take a look at what Mom made for dinner, and I am definitely bemused at what I see.

-This sentence feels awkward, mainly from the word "bemused". I like that you're using different word choice, but this feels out of place.

Mom calls us all as Hisao and Dad makes their way to the dining table, where we prayed before continuing to devour the meal Mom made for us.

-I'm not exactly caught up with Japanese culture, but I'm not really sure whether or not Hisao's family is Christian or not. In my opinion it's best to avoid religion like this in writing, unless what you're writing is all about religion. It just makes things complicated, and a little confusing at times.

"I'm just kidding, I'll say it again, Good night Hanako!" said Hisao, before kissing me while I'm still surprised from the pain on my forehead. "Feeling better now?" he says while smiling at me, which i answer with only a humming sound and hug, before continuing to go to my room and closed the door, before resting on the bed.

-Are Hisao and Hanako both sharing a room, or is it specifically Hanako's room?

Overall, you've shown significant improvement over short time, and I'm impressed. There are still some random typos that I didn't point out, like not capitalizing certain words, grammar, etc. Once again, I'd be happy to proof-read your work before you post it on here. By doing so, you will have less spelling mistakes, and grammar issues. A lot of writing teachers/professors say this, but reading your story out-loud to yourself helps a lot. This helps not only typos, but also helps you see if sentences make sense.

-Is 2011 really 5 years after they met? Personally, I can't remember, but you may want to double-check this. I also could just be mis-understanding the current date.

2011 isn't, 2012 is. I specified dates so people would not get confused and think of something like "KS' timeline is on 2007, this fic is 5 years after, this must have happened at 2012 etc etc~~" Let me get this straight, Hisao proposed to Hanako on the year 2011, their wedding would be held the following year, namely July 11, 2012.

-This is a good example of when you should "Show" not "Tell". I'm thinking this up on the spot, but this would be more "Telling"--- "We kissed for what seemed like an eternity, until Hisao and I pulled away from each other's lips."

Sometimes I really have a high tendency of writing for a story teller, than a person's point of view. I'll try to lessen up some of those.

-If you wrote something about how long the kiss lasted before, you don't really need to mention it again.

I know right? act of redundancy..

-Start a new sentence after "he says"-----"I'm your nerd", he says. He's got a point with that one though.

That part was a conflict between my logical part of the brain, and my imaginative other half. I can use the imaginative half for the rest of the story if readers would like me to.

-This is a very good paragraph. There is a nice balance of word choice and dialog, and things feel natural.

-This sentence feels awkward, mainly from the word "bemused". I like that you're using different word choice, but this feels out of place.

Culture shock from Hanako. I planned for an American breakfast, but then i remembered that would be harsh for Hanako. :/

-I'm not exactly caught up with Japanese culture, but I'm not really sure whether or not Hisao's family is Christian or not. In my opinion it's best to avoid religion like this in writing, unless what you're writing is all about religion. It just makes things complicated, and a little confusing at times.

I'm not saying any of them were Christian. Also, Christians aren't the only religion which prays before eating their meals.

-Are Hisao and Hanako both sharing a room, or is it specifically Hanako's room?

Stated in the story, Hanako is given the guest room as her own room.

Overall, you've shown significant improvement over short time, and I'm impressed. There are still some random typos that I didn't point out, like not capitalizing certain words, grammar, etc. Once again, I'd be happy to proof-read your work before you post it on here. By doing so, you will have less spelling mistakes, and grammar issues. A lot of writing teachers/professors say this, but reading your story out-loud to yourself helps a lot. This helps not only typos, but also helps you see if sentences make sense.

Thank you, I wish my mind would work like that. I would love to send you a draft before posting the next one, but then i remembered what the next chapter is going to be about. around 5,000 words worth of sex

Hanako Nakai wrote:around 5,000 words worth of sex

Oh god yes

TacticalBacon wrote: Oh god yes

Yes, that would be a correct way to say it. although i can't seem to find time to continue it, i've reached about a thousand words right now.. well, only 4000 words to go! hopefully i would be able to complete it by sunday or saturday afternoon at my location.. I'm trying to learn how to make a whole wedding coverage, maybe that would add more scenes on this fic

Never set yourself a goal for the number of words in your story. You're only limiting yourself that way. Such stuff is for contests when all participants' works have to be judged to similar standards or for manga or newspapers where there's a certain amout of space that has to be filled.
If you're done with a chapter but try to write another 2.000 words anyway just because you want to meet some goal, you'll be writing meaningless drivel.

it's not actually a goal for me, more like a minimum amount of words for the next part

Mirage_GSM wrote:Never set yourself a goal for the number of words in your story. You're only limiting yourself that way. Such stuff is for contests when all participants' works have to be judged to similar standards or for manga or newspapers where there's a certain amout of space that has to be filled.
If you're done with a chapter but try to write another 2.000 words anyway just because you want to meet some goal, you'll be writing meaningless drivel.

This.

Take it from someone who tends to write at length: concise and clear is always better than lofty and muddled. When I talk about word count, it's always after the fact. My writing ends up being long because it's riddled with content--or, that's my excuse, anyway--and I'm not just inflating things unnaturally. The story is finished when you've put everything you meant to, and you're done editing when it's as clear as possible.

As for the so-called 5000 word sex scene--that's a lofty goal. To meet it, you'll have to do one of two things: get into ridiculously fine detail, or inflate the scene with meaningless purple prose--neither of which would be particularly beneficial. You should consider the weight of the scene in comparison to the overall story. If you're writing a story that probably won't go much longer than 20,000 words, a 5,000 word erotic scene would constitute 1/4 of the story--that's moving into plainly erotic fiction territory.

Sometimes that's fine, and it's really up to you in the end, but I don't think it's worth unbalancing the story just for some cheap thrills.

Yeah, I know, this coming from me after "That's Amore" probably sounds hypocritical, but I stand by that chapter--overall, I have less than 2% of TD devoted to erotic scenes.

and again, i must repeat sir. The main reason i said 5000 words worth of sex is to give myself motivation to continue, rather than to limit myself. as for the part about it being detailed, the answer is somewhat yes. due to the fact that the next part would end the first chapter, the other reason why it has to have one long erotic scene is that, the whole concept of this fiction is about, as stated in a former spoiler tag, "miracles" or coincidences to be tested by said characters.

almost done with the first fragment of Part IV. will update this after being proof-read by Harrison, I've been thinking of a unique way to send out the next part. so it may be here soon enough..

Ch.1 Pt.4 Fragment 1 of 3 under way. Only waiting for proofreader's approval.

Liking it so far! I'd love to see where you take this.

Endofone wrote:Liking it so far! I'd love to see where you take this.

don't worry , you're closer to seeing the next part, i'm only waiting for the proofreader's approval..