Katawa Shoujo Forums

Numb wrote:[I have decided to ditch the music cues. I realised it breaks immersion in the story and adds irritating complexity to setting the scene. Sorry to those who liked the concept <3]

Probably the smartest decision I've seen on this forum all year.

Hold on, what? I already have two girls fighting over me? Two attractive ones no less! Oh no, my cheeks are burning again, and Miki is looking right at me.

This seems a bit OOC for Hisao in my opinion. In KS he's always rather humble about what he imagines the other girls feel about him and is prone to doubting any of them having much interest in him. At least until they confess to each other he's rather cautious about making advances.

So in case this is supposed to be a serious thought, where he actually considers this as a likely situations, I think it's a bit OOC.

Now this may just as well be him joking to himself about the situation which wouldn't be unusual for him. In that case however this could be a bit clearer perhaps? Like adding a "Yeh... dream on!" or similar added behind the bold text.

Other than that I don't have an issues and really like the fanfic so far. Seems a bit weird to see Misha leave Shizune on her own and have some different company for now but may be reasonable with the added information about Misha having been Miki's guide in the past. As long as her interest in Hisao during this conversation is also rather meant as good fun it fits her character, too. Only if it turns out she's actually seriously feeling more for him you may have to elaborate how that came to be.

Oh and not necessarily targeted at this specific fanfic but I never liked Yuuko's character and reading through so many fanfics that enhance here weird quirks makes it even worse. Kinda boring to read about her struggles when trying to do her waitress job.

SO far it seems like it might be interesting. We'll see where it goes. Not certain how much I like Hisao casually referring to Miki's "stump," though. I'd imagine him trying to tactfully avoid mentioning (even internally) her lack of a hand. However...

WARNING: NARCOLEPSY-RELATED RANT INCOMING

Scissorlips got it wrong. Very wrong. It could arguably be accurate for an undiagnosed narcoleptic who is severely impacted by sleep attacks and relies entirely on self-medication, but that demonstrably isn't the case.

Suzu is 17 and has been diagnosed with narcolepsy. Symptoms usually first manifest around puberty, and diagnosis seems to take an average of 7 years. Severe and characteristic symptoms generally make it easier to diagnose, so it's likely that Suzu has a severe case, considering her relatively early diagnosis, and probably includes (severe) cataplexy.

Treatment often includes use of amphetamines (like Adderall), antidepressants, Xyrem (AKA: GHB, "the date-rape drug"), and/or (more recently) modafinil (a wakefulness-promoting agent that isn't quite understood yet, but considered a miracle drug by narcoleptics). Traditionally, medication and its effects have been downplayed in the narratives (for good reason), but an awareness of side effects (both from personal testimony and from official literature) can potentially add nuance to how a character is approached. The treatment is pretty much entirely symptom management, addressing the sleepiness, cataplexy, etc., without fixing the underlying problems, with all that entails (e.g., diminished effect over time, increased severity of symptoms, etc.)

More relevant is the non-pharmaceutical dimension of treatment. Narcolepsy is often treated with behavior modification as well, such as scheduled naps, exercise, and limited intake of caffeine and alcohol.

The key to all this is management of symptoms. A Suzu suffering from sleep attacks as severe as those indicated by Scissorlips's route would be indicative of symptoms which are not being managed. Sleep attacks with an instantaneous onset even after medication would likely result in an expeditious change of medication or (if that's not possible) confinement to a wheelchair.

Also, EDS essentially has two elements - a persistent sleepiness, all the time; and specific, acute sleep attacks. The persistent sleepiness is probably something she feels she can manage (especially with medication). Given the opportunity, she will likely go to sleep if she allows herself. The sleep attacks are a bigger deal, because she can't fight those. The best she'll get is a "warning," so she can "prepare."

More likely to occur, even with treatment, would be cataplexy, which is arguably also more dramatically satisfying. Collapsing in a heap, unable to move, and consciously aware of your surroundings is much more dramatically evocative, even before you add in the "extreme emotion" bit. That allows for significantly more angst than "I might fall asleep and never wake up." A recent diagnosis of narcolepsy even allows for some of the really severe stuff to come up, as she's still learning to manage it and adjust her behavior accordingly.

There's a lot of good that can be drawn from Scissorlips' Suzu Route, but the depiction of Narcolepsy is simply inadequate and inaccurate.

ProfAllister wrote:SO far it seems like it might be interesting. We'll see where it goes. Not certain how much I like Hisao casually referring to Miki's "stump," though. I'd imagine him trying to tactfully avoid mentioning (even internally) her lack of a hand. However...

WARNING: NARCOLEPSY-RELATED RANT INCOMING
Rant rant rant

I understand your point with the narcolepsy, I haven't bothered looking into it yet, but I chose to add Misha (and soon another! :O) as a friend of Miki's so I could use Suzu as more of a prop than a character during these social scenes. She will play her part in the story, don't get me wrong, but for now she is just the girl who sleeps through almost everything
In regards to Miki's "stump", I have written and re-written the scenes so many times, and I forget sometimes just how comfortable Hisao is with Miki after all of this work. The next part of chapter two is currently quite a pain to write, and I am just starting a new draft of it now. Don't expect it up tonight though, I am struggling a little bit between closing the bond between Hisao and Miki while making sure the other characters aren't ignored. This is my first long project, so expect some rookie mistakes

I support this thread. Keep up the good work

Well, this shaping up nicely. And hilariously .

Good work and good luck with the curse. I recommend an exorcism involving the use of fanart and a map of the Ryukyu Islands, but that's me.

Hoitash wrote:Well, this shaping up nicely. And hilariously .

Good work and good luck with the curse. I recommend an exorcism involving the use of fanart and a map of the Ryukyu Islands, but that's me.

Thank you! I am currently on an inspiration streak, and rewriting my notes. The plot from now will hopefully be much better, I already have new notes all the way up until the festival

Sorry for the slight delay in the release of this chapter. I had to start it from scratch after running into some complications, but I think this turned out much better than the last one. As usual, feedback welcome and all that jazz. Now, on to the story!
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I lean back as I finish the last piece of cake. We have been at the Shanghai since lunchtime, and now the sun is setting. Suzu is awake now, and has had enough coffee to get her back to Yamaku without another incident.

“We should head back, it’s about to get dark out.”

“What Hisao? Scared of a little darkness, are you? Can’t get through the night without us to help you?”

Over these last few hours I have learned to tease Miki back when she does this. It’s fun, but I can’t come up with anything right now, so a roll of the eyes and a-

“Yeah, totally.”

-will have to do for now. She winks at me, something she has a habit of doing, and finishes her coffee.

“Yeah, you’re right though. We should head back before we end up out after curfew. The rumour mill might go insane if they find out about the new kid sneaking home after dark with three girls!”

“Miki, didn’t you tell me that you and Misha are the rumour mill of Yamaku? For some reason I get the impression you have a better story in mind already.”

She scoffs, and turns to walk out of the Shanghai. Suzu and Misha follow suit, and I run ahead to open the door for us. The girls file out and we leave Yuuko to finish her duties for the day.

We stand outside the Shanghai for a few minutes while Miki tries to figure out which way it is back to Yamaku. Despite our attempts to dissuade her, she has decided to lead the group back to school. Already it is clear she has no idea where we are, but nobody wants to say anything.

“I think it’s this way… Yeah, I remember that tree. I think.”

Yeah. Miki has no idea how to get back. We should let Misha lead us back, she must know the way if she comes here with Shizune, but Miki is determined to make up for last time.

“Uhh, Miki? The park was that way, the school is this way…”

Thank you Suzu, you have saved us all. I am forever in your-

“I think.”

Crap. I turn to Misha, hopefully she knows the way. Misha? Damn, where did she go? Did Suzu notice her leave in that direction?

“Uhh… Where did Misha go? She was here a second ago.” She must have slipped away when we weren’t paying attention.

Well. There goes our only surefire way back to Yamaku. I turn to Miki.

“What now Captain? Upon which horizon is our destination?”

This earns me a punch in the arm. I should avoid being a smartass around Miki, it isn’t good for my health. It is fun though, I think I can deal with the bruises.

“Shut up Hisao, it’s this way. Wait no, theres the music store again… Maybe it’s that way?”

It is clear Miki is still adjusting to the town around Yamaku, she must not visit here often, and when she does I imagine it is for groceries, and the convinience store is right at the foot of the hill. She starts, heading away from the music store. Suzu and I follow her, knowing all to well she has no idea where she is going.



We stop at a park. It’s dark now, and we are still lost in town. Miki has resorted to reading signposts, and Suzu is drifting around behind us. We have to stop every few minutes to make sure she doesn’t collapse, and I even had to carry her for ten minutes.

“Look! Theres the aura mart! I know where we are now!”

Well done Miki, you found out where we are. And only twenty minutes after curfew took effect.

“We should hurry back Miki, curfew started twenty minutes ago, and we don’t have a good excuse. We can’t say we spent all day eating, and got lost in town, they would report us to the teachers for skipping class.”

“Damn, good point. Come on, pick Suzu up and lets go!”

Pick her up? Oh, she fell asleep again. Well this is going to be a tiring walk…


We reach the main gate, and luckily for us, it is still open. No night guards are around, so we make our way to the girls dormitories. Miki stops me and pulls us behind a tree as a night guard turns the corner. They pass by without noticing us, but we wait until they are out of earshot before we start moving again.

We make it to the dorms without getting caught, and I carry Suzu up the stairs to her room. Miki opens the door for me, and I flick the lights on. Her room is a mess. There are plush dolls and cushions everywhere, and there is a rather large stack of books in the corner. I carry her to the bed and lay her down before turning around and leaving. I make sure the light is off, and Miki locks up behind me.

“Thanks Hisao. I would have done that, but that was kind of cute. I had a good time today, didn’t think you would be this fun when you walked into class on your first day. You looked depressed.”

Wow, that was harsh. I mean, I’m glad she had fun, but I can’t help but feel a little hurt by-

Miki has grabbed me and pulled me into her room. “Crap, that was close. Stay in here, the night guards are doing their checks to see if all the doors are locked. Just uhh… Sleep over there I guess?” She points at the corner, on the opposite side of the room. Her bed is close to the door, of course. We are good friends already, but she wouldn’t want me sleeping right next to her.

“Lights out in there Miura!”

Miki points at the corner again, and I head over and sit down against the wall. She throws a towel over my head and says to leave it there. She must be changing. I am tempted to look, Miki is attractive after all, but I don’t want to mess things up. We are friends, friends don’t peek when the other friend is naked.

“Ha, it’s funny. Earlier today you were saying you wouldn’t let me see you naked, now the only thing stopping that from happening is this towel and-“

I can see again. Wow, she changed fast! She is wearing some black silk pyjama shorts and a white tank top. She must have just grabbed something random and thrown it on.

“And what Hisao? What else is stopping that from happening?” She is grinning at me, and delivers one of her winks. That won’t work Miki, I already know what to say!

“Well if you would let me finish, the other thing is my gentlemans demeanor. I wouldn’t dare peek at a woman, especially one as strong as you!”

“Ah, so you swing that way, huh? I think I have somebody you would like then.” Damn, she has an answer for everything, doesn’t she? I need to work on that, else get caught out every time we talk. “Unless you don’t like blondes!”

“What?! No, I don’t ‘swing that way’,” I make air quotes around that to emphasise my point. “I just don’t want to screw with our friendship so early. I had a good time today too you know, you three are the first friends I have made here…”

Miki looks slightly apologetic for a moment. “Sorry Hisao, I didn’t think about it like that… Well, we should probably go to sleep. I’ll go get some of Suzu’s cushions so you don’t end up stiff in the morning.”

She opens the door, checking to see if any night guards are around, and heads across the hall to Suzu’s room. I hear the lock click and the door creak, but her footsteps are silent. She must do this fairly often. The door closes again, and Miki reappears with a few cushions and a teddy bear.

“Thought you might like to snuggle up to something, so I grabbed this.” She throws them all at me, and I lay them out in a bed-like formation. “Good night Hisao. Don’t worry, this will be our little secret, the school doesn’t need to know about this one.”

She winks at me again and turns off the light. I only realise now that I am still holding the teddy bear. I throw it across the room at Miki. “Thanks Hisao.”

Well, looks like I am spending the night with Miki. Wait, that means no Kenji in the morning! Thank you Miki, you are my saviour!
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Next
Next chapter I introduce a new character! Who could it be? Well, it's pretty obvious after that ending, but speculate anyway

Numb wrote:Next chapter I introduce a new character! Who could it be? Well, it's pretty obvious after that ending, but speculate anyway

Hmm... let me guess, Blonde, likes gentlemen.. Must be Misha!

I'm having a bit of trouble picturing them spending five to six hours in the Shanghai and then about three or four hours wandering lost through the town... It's a small town and Yamaku is on a hill - a hill that Hisao got winded climbng in the VN even without having to carry Suzu^^°
Apart from these small logic problems it was a very nice chapter.

Mirage_GSM wrote:I'm having a bit of trouble picturing them spending five to six hours in the Shanghai and then about three or four hours wandering lost through the town... It's a small town and Yamaku is on a hill - a hill that Hisao got winded climbng in the VN even without having to carry Suzu^^°
Apart from these small logic problems it was a very nice chapter.

It is never directly stated how small the town is afaik, so I imagine it to be about the same size as my local area. I have been lost here a few times, so it isn't hard to believe
If I remember correctly, Hisao is only winded when climbing the hill with Lilly, and it is because he had been forgetting to take his medication. Suzu is light too, so I think it works. Either way, I won't need to deal with him being weak for long

Medication or not, even if Suzu ways just a light 40kg that's still a lot of extra weight in absolute regards. And if I'm not mistaken his shape is absolute shit at that point, I wouldn't expect him to do well for even just 2-3 minutes carrying Suzu.

I mean I guess it's kinda not really an important part of the story as it doesn't hurt the characterization but this and them getting lost for so many hours just doesn't make sense. Maybe there could've been a more elegant way to make 'em late.

I'm also not sure how much I like seeing Suzu being used almost solely as comedic relief due to her condition. I mean you have some good fun scenes with her but the whole sleeping on the way back is stretching it a bit.

May sound like I'm down on this but I'm actually enjoying quite a bit. The pacing is pretty swift and feels nice so far and the character interactions are fun. I'm definitely keeping my eye on this.

Blasphemy wrote:Medication or not, even if Suzu ways just a light 40kg that's still a lot of extra weight in absolute regards. And if I'm not mistaken his shape is absolute shit at that point, I wouldn't expect him to do well for even just 2-3 minutes carrying Suzu.

I mean I guess it's kinda not really an important part of the story as it doesn't hurt the characterization but this and them getting lost for so many hours just doesn't make sense. Maybe there could've been a more elegant way to make 'em late.

I'm also not sure how much I like seeing Suzu being used almost solely as comedic relief due to her condition. I mean you have some good fun scenes with her but the whole sleeping on the way back is stretching it a bit.

May sound like I'm down on this but I'm actually enjoying quite a bit. The pacing is pretty swift and feels nice so far and the character interactions are fun. I'm definitely keeping my eye on this.

Thanks for the support! The pacing should be slowing down a little bit in the next few chapters, these first two were kind of introductory scenes. After the little "moment", if you could call it one, where Miki let's Hisao stay the night with the promise of it being a secret, I think I can comfortably write the ease into a relationship. I will be working on my notes tonight, as I have been dragged away from my computer (where the file is). Oh, and don't worry about Suzu, she has a role

Again, this chapter is getting long, so I have made a rough average for how many words I post per update. Most of these should have around 1500 words, some obviously will go over this limit, some under, but who cares. Anyway, on to the story
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Why does my bed feel different? Actually, where are my sheets? Hell, where am I?

Opening my eyes and looking around, this room isn’t my own. There are posters of various rock bands, some cushions and… A bra? Whos room is this?!

The door opens and my question is answered by a dark skinned girl. Miki. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel and-

“Oh, Hisao! You woke up! Sorry, let me just grab my clothes, I’ll go change in Suzu’s room, don’t worry. You don’t get to see this yet!”

She holds a towel around her as she reaches down for her uniform.

“Hurry up, we are going to class in ten minutes! Just uh, pretend to wait for us or something.” And with that, she disappears into Suzu’s room.

Why was I sleeping on Miki’s floor? Come on Hisao, think. You went for lunch with her yesterday, we got lost on the way back and- Oh. The night guards. Well, it’s a good thing I brought my books to lunch, I don’t need to stop by my room to grab them. My pills are there though… I can go get them during lunch. I only need to take them twice every twenty-four hours, there are no set times.

I dust myself off and gather my things before poking my head out of Miki’s room. Good, nobody here. I close the door behind me and lean against the wall outside. Look casual Hisao, don’t want anyone walking by to get the wrong idea. Damn, this is making me paranoid.

Suzu’s door opens, and Miki emerges with a comb in her hair. “Hisao, mind getting this for me? Suzu is too weak, and I can’t get a good grip on it because of…” She nods towards her hand. “You know? Anyway, get it out please?”

“Oh, right. Sure thing,” I put my books down and reach up to grab the comb. “So I won’t be at lunch right away today. Need to go to my room and take my pills for, you know, my heart? Save a seat for me in the cafeteria or something.” Damn, this thing is really in there.

“The cafeteria Hisao? You don’t think we actually eat there, do you? Ow, be careful. I want to have some hair left to style!”

There it goes! The comb is free! “So where do you eat? I still need to get my pills anyway, so I can just meet you wherever.”

“Thanks Hisao. We eat on the little grassy hill by the nurses building. Hey, can’t you just get pills from him instead of going back?” Well Miki, that would be inconvinient for both of us, and I do need to get fresh clothes. These are a little creased.

“Nah, it would take too long. I already have the pills in my room anyway, so it isn’t a problem. I know where you mean anyway, so I can meet you there afterwards.”

She sighs. “God Hisao, you are so dense. I was trying to say I need to see the nurse anyway, so we can go together. Can’t you pick up on the signs?”

Oh. OH! Right. Now I get it. “Oh, right. Sure, I guess I could go see him. He said he will be doing tests to see improvement in my heart, so he can check then I guess.”

“Good. Now come on, help me wake Suzu!”



Class starts, and Mutou begins a lecture on quantum mechanics. This seems a little advanced to be teaching people my age, but I have a good enough grasp on it. I can’t imagine how much Miki is struggling with it though, these equations are pretty complex. I glance over at her, and my suspicions are confirmed. She looks very confused. Good. I can tease her for this later.

Misha leans over my shoulder. What is she doing? “Uh, hey Misha… What are you doing?” I keep myself quiet, but this is made obselete. Misha lacks the ability to whisper apparently.

“Hi Hicchan~! Shicchan just wanted me to tell you I have student council~ work to do today, so I won’t be joining you and Miki for lunch~!”

Well Misha, I think she knows now. Still, thanks for telling me I guess. Now, can you please sit down? The class is staring at us.

“Okay, thanks. Now, can I get back to these equations?”

Wow. That felt weird to say. “Wahahaha~! Okay Hicchan~!”

Thank you.


The rest of class passes without further interruption, and I feel like I understand quantum mechanics much better than I did previously. Say what you will about Mutou, but he is a great teacher.

Miki looks back at me. Right, we were going to see the nurse. Suzu is awake for once. I walk over to them. “Ready to go? I want to get this out of the way so I can eat something.”

Miki just nods and we head out. She is unusually quiet right now. Hopefully this has nothing to do with the visit to the nurse. I follow her, but Suzu heads the other way. I think the literature club has a meeting today, so she might be going there.

We turn a corner and continue down the hall until a hand grabs my shoulder and spins me around. It’s Emi.

“Hisao, where were you this morning?”

Wait, does she know? How did she find out about me spending the night-

“I was waiting for ten minutes! I could have been running in that time you know?”

Oh thank god. She meant the runs. That’s right, I have been missing them… I should probably start taking them more seriously, it is for my health after all.

“Wait, you two are running buddies? Hisao, you never told me this. Emi, I can take him off your hands, I kind of know his limits, so I think I could train him better.”

“Oh? Could you Miki? Then explain why you aren’t the fastest runner on the team, I would love to know why you are holding back this hidden potential! No, Hisao is my duty. Nurse ordered I keep him healthy.”

Uh oh, this could get messy. I know how stubborn Emi can be, but Miki will stick up for herself no matter what when insulted.

“Emi, you are a faster runner, I know that, but you don’t need to rub it in my face every time we meet! I am happy where I am, I will push to improve, but I don’t want to become some track diva like you! So shut up, and let me take Hisao off your hands!”

I’ve never seen Miki this worked up, do her and Emi not get along? Well, that much is pretty obvious, they are having an argument after two minutes of contact, but I would expect them to be friends. They both have the common interest of running after all, and as far as I can tell, Emi is quite the gossip.

“Why should I? What can you do for him that I can’t, huh?”

“Well for starters, he would show up to run with me. He actually likes me, you know?”

Wait, I never said I didn’t like Emi!

“You know what? Fine! Take him. I don’t need to deal with his crap, he can skip out on your runs instead. Have fun with whatever.” She raises a hand and walks away, leaving Miki with a furrowed brow and a pissed off aura.

“Hey, Miki, let’s just go, okay? Ignore her, I had an easy enough job of it.” I flash her a grin, but she just turns away, looking at the floor. “Look at me Miki. Don’t let her get to you. Just because she has no legs doesn’t mean she has the right to be this self entitled. Come on, let’s go to the nurse.”

She looks up at me and smiles. She looks vulnerable like this, she clearly doesn’t like being told she is bad at something she puts so much effort into. I grab her arm and smile back at her. “I’m serious. Don’t worry about it.”

“I know, thanks Hisao. Well, now we have something else to tell the nurse, don’t we? We need to get a time slot for our runs.”

Wait, so Miki actually wanted to do that? Actually, come to think of it, I would like to run with somebody I know. At least then they would actually care about my limits, unlike Emi. I could have collapsed if she expected me to keep up with her that morning!

Miki takes my silence as an ‘Okay’ and we make our way to the nurses office. It’s a nice day again today, so hopefully we get this done quickly so we can eat lunch outside.

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Next
Usual stuff, feedback welcome, blah blah blah. You have heard it all before, so I won't bother putting a wall here

I already have the pills in my room anyway, so it isn’t a problem. I know where you mean anyway, so it isn’t a problem.

I suggest rephrasing that to avoid the repetition.

“God Hisao, you are so dense. I was trying to say I need to see the nurse anyway, so we can go together. Can’t you pick up on the signs?”

Actually, she didn't say anything about visiting the nurse herself... But, oh my, is she moving fast...

Nice chapter. Everything is flowing quite well. Dialogue is entertaining. Keep up the good work.