As the lunch bell rings, I think about trying to talk to Hisao, but he doesn't give me the chance. He hurries out of the room, probably to avoid talking to me himself. I don't really blame him.
I go out into the hallway, and I catch a glimpse of Hisao going into the stairwell. For a moment, I consider following him, but I promised Lilly I'd join her in the tea room today, which is the one place I
know he won't go right now. I make my way down the hall to the 3-2 classroom and wait for Lilly to emerge.
"Hi, Lilly."
"Ah, Hanako. Shall we go?"
"Yes."
We head for the tea room, and once there go about preparing our lunch. She stays quiet for some time, looking like she's considering what she wants to say. Finally, as Lilly finishes setting out our lunches and I start pouring the tea, she breaks the silence. "So, how are you feeling this morning? You sounded tired."
Sometimes the fact Lilly's hearing is so finely tuned can be frustrating. "I d-didn't sleep...very well."
Lilly sighs. "That doesn't surprise me. I didn't sleep very well myself, as you can probably imagine."
That's all we say to each other before we begin eating. I spend the time searching my best friend's face for a hint of emotion, but she's got her placid smile locked firmly in place. It's a far cry from last night's torrent.
After we finish and clean up, Lilly finally breaks the silence. "I'm sorry, Hanako. I'm afraid I'm not very good company today. I know there's a lot you want to ask me, so perhaps we should just begin."
Her words are very measured, and the mood is awkward at best. It's as though I'm not even talking to Lilly right now, but to someone I barely know. I feel anxiety nipping at my heart as I try and sort out what to say first.
"Lilly, if you don't th-think you're ready to talk, I c-can wait." Almost like a reflex, I wind up going with an old reliable strategy, letting the other person avoid the topic. As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I regret them.
For better or for worse, Lilly doesn't take the bait. "My, my, Hanako. While I appreciate the gesture, I think this is something that needs to be done as soon as possible. I can already feel a growing tension between us, and that is something I don't think either of us wants. Please, don't hold back on my account."
Okay, then. "Lilly, w-why didn't you tell me about a-all this sooner?"
"I wanted to wait until I was...sure of my decision."
"I kn-now that, but if you'd told me, I m-might have been able to h-help you make your decision."
I might have been able to convince you to stay...
There's a certain expression that comes to Lilly's face when she's about to tell me why she's treating me like I'm just something that needs protecting. It's one I'd been seeing less since she began dating Hisao, and dread begins to creep over me as I realize that it's returned.
"Hanako, this was a decision I needed to make on my own. If I'd burdened either you or Hisao with it, both of you would have put my needs above your own."
Of course. Trying to protect me, and Hisao. Just as she's always done.
"C-can you blame us? You would have done the s-same for us. That's what f-friends do."
Lilly briefly looks stricken as the words sink in. "You're right, Hanako. When I first returned from Scotland, I had intended to tell the both of you after our visit to Hokkaido. What I...failed to anticipate was that my feelings for Hisao had grown as much as they had. My mind was still awash with the idea of rejoining my own family, and when Hisao collapsed, suddenly the little family I had built here seemed about to be swept away as well. I didn't want to lose either one."
I really can't argue any of this with her, which only makes it that much more frustrating. If she'd told us what was happening as soon as she got back, we never would have taken that wonderful trip to Hokkaido, or at least it would have felt much different.
I'm about to say something, but Lilly continues. "My problem was that once I'd confessed to Hisao, I'd put myself in a trap. If I told him about the summons, he would question my motives for confessing, and with good reason. So, I had to wait until the time was right to discuss it with him. I thought about telling you, Hanako, but..."
Again, I can't argue. "I...I know. Hisao w-would have known something was wr-rong." I could never have kept up appearances like that, like Lilly can. We would have never had all the great memories we've shared over the past few weeks. We would have all fed off each other's concerns, and spent all our time worrying about each other.
And now, it's going to happen anyway. In the end, just delayed a little.
Lilly continues again, and her own emotions are breaking through as she does. "The only other alternative was that I would deny the summons, and stay here." She laughs gently as a tear appears at the corner of one eye. "Akira urged me to do just that, but I could never bring myself to feel about my family as she does. I even...I even briefly entertained the notion of asking Hisao to move to Scotland with me!"
"He...he might have."
"You think I don't know that?" Lilly nearly shouts in reply. "I couldn't ask that of him! I couldn't be that selfish! So instead...instead I think I just started looking for excuses. I saw that he wasn't opening up to me about his past, and I slowly...started...to convince myself that he didn't love me enough. Maybe...maybe he didn't, but maybe I just...never gave him the chance. Until...yesterday."
"M-maybe you can s-still tell him..."
The statement hangs in the air for a few fleeting moments. Lilly visibly composes herself, and pulls out a handkerchief to clean her face. "No. It's too late. The damage has been done, by both of us. Our parting is as clean as it's ever going to be. It's time for me to move on with my life."
The placid smile again. The finality of the words that come from it hits like a ton of bricks.
Moving on with her life, without him...and soon, without me. Today is already back to how it was before we met Hisao. Just the two of us, in this room, eating our lunch together, away from the rest of the world. A couple of months ago, that was enough. Now, it feels...smaller. Soon, it might be back to just me. Smallest of all.
"Do you still l-love him?"
Lilly starts, and I start to think it was probably not the best question to ask. A small part of me that I don't want to admit exists wonders if I even want to know the answer. "I...don't think I can answer that right now."
"I...see."
She continues, "In many ways, returning to Scotland will be a good thing for me. I find that, suddenly, I have a great many things that I used to know, of which I'm no longer sure. Sorting them all out will take time."
"I think w-we're all going to n-need some time."
Lilly nods. "Hisao will also have some time to think, if he does stay here over summer break."
"W-what do you mean?"
Lilly smiles a little more warmly. "Just that he won't have to worry about a certain Student Council duo, at least for the first week. When I talked to Hideaki and told him that I would be joining Akira in staying at their home on the day of our flight, he told me that Shizune and Misha would be also at the Hakamichi residence for the first week of break."
The first week of break...that's when I was planning to go with Naomi to Hokkaido. We'd just decided on the plan at the last newspaper meeting, and I'd told Lilly shortly thereafter. I hadn't even told Hisao yet. With all that had happened in the past day, I'd nearly forgotten that I was planning to go, and...
...and it had to be Hokkaido.
I'd been nervous about this trip even before Lilly's news, but was determined to go. It would have allowed Lilly and Hisao to have some time to themselves, and it would have let me revisit the place where things felt right for the first time since...before. Now, those memories are bittersweet. They might always be that way.
I suppose this is my punishment for wanting to feel normal again.
I don't know what really happened to Hisao before he came to Yamaku, but he seemed to feel sorry for himself a lot. That changed when he was around Lilly, but when she leaves, that Hisao might easily return, just like it does for me. I already promised her I'd try to help, and I think it would be better for both of us if I stayed here, at least for now. It may help me to be alone sometimes, but I don't think the same is true of Hisao. If nothing else, maybe I can earn some of the kindness he's already shown me.
I realize I hadn't said anything in response, so I cautiously approach the subject. "I d-don't think it's a good idea for H-Hisao to be alone."
"Hmmm...you're probably right. He does seem to get himself worked up about things when he's on his own, doesn't he?"
"Y-yes. I w-was thinking that maybe I could s-stay here, at least...for a while."
This surprises Lilly. "But...weren't you planning on leaving for your trip shortly after my departure? I couldn't ask you to put that off, and I know Hisao wouldn't want you to do that."
I smile a little. "Y-you didn't ask."
"Hanako..." Lilly's got that protector look on her face again, and I tense up. "Your trip was...something I was so happy to hear about. I know I asked you to look after Hisao, but that was before I knew his other friends wouldn't be here." She puts her head on her hand. "Waiting so long to tell you both of my decision...I never thought it would send all these things spinning out of control like this." She sighs, sadly. "I really have messed things up, haven't I? For all of us."
Listening to her say all this, a part of me wants to say "Yes, Lilly, you
and Hisao
did mess things up! I'm doing my best to fix it!" Another part of me wants to just agree with her and go on the trip anyway, just so she'll stop worrying about me. But yet another part of me, one that doesn't make its presence felt often, reminds me that this was
my decision to make, and I'd made it.
"No!" The intensity of the answer surprises even me. Lilly looks at me with a questioning expression. "I m-mean...I've already decided to w-wait before I leave."
"But why?"
"B-because..."
Don't back down now. Just tell her the reason that she'd have the least ability to argue against. The other ones can stay inside.
"...w-we were planning on going north first, t-to Hokkaido."
After an excruciating moment where I feel my fear rising, telling me to be ready to bolt, Lilly lifts her head again. "Ah. That part had...slipped my mind, I suppose. After all that's happened, going there might be somewhat awkward."
"Yes."
"I just hope that being with Hisao won't cause similar awkwardness."
"W-what do you mean?"
"Hmmm...how should I put this? How much time did the two of you spend together while I was last in Scotland?"
"Well, w-we ate lunch in the tea room, except...well...w-when I w-was..."
"Yes, but besides that?"
"Um..."
"This time, neither of you is going to have class to fill the time. Remember all the time you and I spent together this spring? Would you be able to do that with Hisao after this?"
"Oh..."
More dangerous words, like yesterday.
"I...think..."
I can't...don't make me think like that, please. After all this time, I thought you knew at least that much. There was a time when those words would have been music to my ears...but now, they ache. They ache on more levels than I even knew I had not that long ago, especially since you're the one saying them.
"I think it'll b-be okay, if it's Hisao."
"Well, maybe you should see how he feels about the matter, then. I doubt he'd mind your company either way."
Maybe she...does know? But then why...change the subject change the subject...
"But L-Lilly, I was really hoping that w-we could spend some time together, too, before you l-leave."
She smiles again, this time a sincere one. "Of course we will. I'd like nothing more than that. It just...may not be as much as either of us might like. I have to complete all the paperwork for my transfer, and I need to organize all the information I've collected as class representative. I haven't spoken with the President about my decision, but I know I won't be allowed to...slack off on such things."
"I...understand. I j-just wish I could help."
Lilly leans across the table and takes one of my hands in hers. "I know. Don't worry, Hanako, I will make time for us to spend together before I leave. I promise."
"Okay."
Before I can say any more than that, the class bell rings. We haven't gotten around to cleaning up, so we quickly move to do so, and I go back to class. I resolve to try and talk to Hisao once afternoon classes are over.
As the bell rings, Hisao looks like he wants to run away again. What he's forgetting is that I'm an expert on that kind of tactic, where he's just a beginner. I let him get out into the hallway, though, because otherwise he might get caught by someone else who knows this game.
"Hi, Hisao."
As I appear in front of him, I see his shoulders slump. I guess he doesn't have the energy to work too hard to avoid me. "Hey, Hanako. Listen, I'm sorry, but can we talk later? I've got some...stuff I have to do."
You're not getting away that easy, Hisao. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."
He laughs raspily. "I just have the world's worst poker face, don't I?"
Despite the serious mood, I giggle a bit. "I sh-should know."
He sighs, some of the darkness in his face fading. "Hanako, I'll be honest, I really
would like to talk to you about what happened yesterday. I think I just need to sort out my own thoughts first. Do you know what I mean?"
"S-sort of. I think all th-three of us need to clear our heads."
"Clear our heads..." Hisao looks thoughtful for a moment, rubbing the back of his head. "You know, that sounds familiar."
"What?"
"Just...something someone else said to me earlier. Anyway, I promise we'll talk soon. Just...not today, okay? Things are still a little rough in my head, but I think I know what I need to do about it now. I don't want what happened with Lilly to come between our friendship, and the sooner I can come to terms with what I'm feeling, the better the chances."
Coming to terms with feelings...that part sounds familiar to me. "Okay, then. Not t-today. But soon, right?"
"Yeah. Soon. Well, I'd better get going. See you tomorrow, Hanako."
"See you, Hisao."
I watch his back as he walks away. He seems to be walking with a little more purpose than he was before. I'm not sure why, but I have mixed feelings about that.
~~~~
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