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This looks like it might not be bad. One minor problem that I do have with it, though, is that, in every instance of her name, you've misspelled Ikezawa.

Hans PK wrote:This looks like it might not be bad. One minor problem that I do have with it, though, is that, in every instance of her name, you've misspelled Ikezawa.

How did I...

How?

HOW?!

Son of a bitch. I'll get to fixing that soon.

I am so mad at myself right now you have no idea.

Okay, I'll just comment as I go along...

First of all it doesn't seem like Shizune to let this Takamichi guy get away with sending someone else to take his punishment for him. I think her sense of justice would not admit that.

...

Especially after she has it pointed out to her.

I could have just left the school building and rode my bike into town.

Earlier he was concerned being on a stair could be dangerous to him in case of... an episode? If so, shouldn't be driving a bike be even more dangerous?

There are two bits of blue paper sticking out of the top of the trash.

I realize you're trying to build suspense about that, but it's always hard to do that in first person narrative, and the reader has a direct view of the protagonist's thoughts.
Also, doing a two week time-skip without him mentioning whatever has him so distrought to anyone at all stretches credibility a lot...
It's especially jarring, since whatever he found brought about a 180° turn in his behaviour towards Shizune and Misha, and for the reader there is zero reason to justify that.

“Yuuto, that’ll probably kill her.” Molly warns.

What? Getting hit by a can of soda?

they just stand there watching the Nurse and I.

"...the nurse and ME." You do this a few more times later on. Just run a text search on "and I"

I swear, most of my pocket money goes to spare bandages.

I expect he could get those for free from the nurse...

Do you need anything else? What was that?

Shizune should know about epilepsy...

“THEY ALL HAD MY NAME ON THEM!”

Yeah, well, I had a feeling it would be something like that...
But if that's the case, why didn't he go straight up to his club members and tell them to send someone else? He didn't want to work for the student council, and with that knowledge he wouldn't have had to. (That goes double for what I said above concerning Shizune's concept of fairness.)
Also why does this change his attitude towards Shizune and Misha at all?

It’s only a matter of time before he tells some faculty member...

Not really likely. He'd have to tell them the reason why Yuuto punched him...

“Really, Miyamoto. Assaulting another student?”

So he really went to a teacher?
In his position, you'd usually hope that Yuuto doesn't go around telling everyone what a dick he's been. Instead he ensures that the whole school is going to learn about it, and the principal will learn that he neglected his duties as a club manager. Hell of a way to make sure the music club is shut down for real...

So in conclusion the writing is very decent with only few grammar mistakes, but there are some integral parts of how you built your story that I find really hard to believe.
It would probably have been more believable if he'd either confronted Takamichi directly or only found out about the deception during the festival, but that part is probably hard to fix by now.
The thing about Takamichi complaining to a teacher is a different matter. That's just the last few lines of the story at this point.

This looks interesting. I actually like this OC of yours, seems like a decent enough dude, mood swings and all

Mirage_GSM wrote:Okay, I'll just comment as I go along...

Ho-boy. Okay.

First of all it doesn't seem like Shizune to let this Takamichi guy get away with sending someone else to take his punishment for him. I think her sense of justice would not admit that.

...

Especially after she has it pointed out to her.

Good point. There is an explanation for that. Takamichi is still part of the story at this point.

There is a reason, beyond the possibility of the club shutting down, that he was so keen on having Yuuto back.

Earlier he was concerned being on a stair could be dangerous to him in case of... an episode? If so, shouldn't be driving a bike be even more dangerous?

More of a grumpy and morose daydream than a concern. There is a reason for the bike.

I realize you're trying to build suspense about that, but it's always hard to do that in first person narrative, and the reader has a direct view of the protagonist's thoughts.
Also, doing a two week time-skip without him mentioning whatever has him so distrought to anyone at all stretches credibility a lot...
It's especially jarring, since whatever he found brought about a 180° turn in his behaviour towards Shizune and Misha, and for the reader there is zero reason to justify that.

And we come to the part of the story that I was unhappy with from the moment I wrote it to the whole time it sat there. Yep, I was trying to build suspense. And after reworking that bit four times, I went with the one that didn't make me want to slam my head against the wall.

Also, Yuuto bottles things up. Yet another major point that is addressed later.

What? Getting hit by a can of soda?

That's a slight exaggeration on Molly's part.

"...the nurse and ME." You do this a few more times later on. Just run a text search on "and I"

Will do.

I expect he could get those for free from the nurse...

I expect he could as well. Yuuto, however, does go through them at an alarming rate just to cover up tiny bumps and bruises.

Shizune should know about epilepsy...

She should! Good point.

Yeah, well, I had a feeling it would be something like that...
But if that's the case, why didn't he go straight up to his club members and tell them to send someone else? He didn't want to work for the student council, and with that knowledge he wouldn't have had to. (That goes double for what I said above concerning Shizune's concept of fairness.)

Yuuto has a hard time dealing with the betrayal there from people he thought were his friends, or at the very least club mates, for three years. It's part of the reason that he still ends up thinking he'll need to go back to that. However, I do think I could have made his thought process a little better. Another reason that proofreaders are handy. It's apparent to me because the story is all up in my noggin, and not anyone else's.

Also why does this change his attitude towards Shizune and Misha at all?

They've actually been sort of nice to him despite him being a jerk? I mean, they did try to surprise him with a sort of party twice during his two weeks working for them. He still thinks that Misha is pretty annoying and that Shizune is a tyrannical slave driver. And also, he just desperately needs a club to stay In.

Another bit that's only clear to me, I suppose.

Not really likely. He'd have to tell them the reason why Yuuto punched him...

Or he could lie. Like the sort of guy who would put all of one kid's name into a hat for a "fair" drawing.

So he really went to a teacher?
In his position, you'd usually hope that Yuuto doesn't go around telling everyone what a dick he's been. Instead he ensures that the whole school is going to learn about it, and the principal will learn that he neglected his duties as a club manager. Hell of a way to make sure the music club is shut down for real...

Yep. And you're right. It is.

So in conclusion the writing is very decent with only few grammar mistakes, but there are some integral parts of how you built your story that I find really hard to believe.
It would probably have been more believable if he'd either confronted Takamichi directly or only found out about the deception during the festival, but that part is probably hard to fix by now.
The thing about Takamichi complaining to a teacher is a different matter. That's just the last few lines of the story at this point.

Thanks for your input as always, Mirage.

I'll see what I can do and maybe get some of these holes filled up with the In-Between that I am working on.

Story permitting, of course.

I do think I could have made his thought process a little better.

Well, your desire to build suspense interferes with your ability to make the protagonist's motivations clear...
If you straight out told the readers that he didn't confront his club members for fear he wouldn't be allowed back into the club and losing his scholarship that would have been an... acceptable explanation.

They've actually been sort of nice to him despite him being a jerk?

Yes, but his change of heart came directly after discovering the papers in the trash, so my first asssumption was that the two things were related; that he was nicer because of what he found in the trash.

And also, he just desperately needs a club to stay In.

Uh... That clases with your explanation with why he didn't confront the music club. You said he thinks he'll need to go back. At this point he doesn't even think about permanently joining the student council.

Or he could lie. Like the sort of guy who would put all of one kid's name into a hat for a "fair" drawing.

And expect to get away with it? If a student who has never been known to be a delinquent punches someone out of the blue, the teachers are bound to ask the why-question. And the part about him neglecting his duties as club leader can be corrobarated by noone less than the student council president.
And that's not even taking into account the bad rep he'll get among his classmates.
Well, he could be extremely naîve... We haven't seen that much of him yet. Just be sure to emphasize this in future chapters...

Another reason that proofreaders are handy. It's apparent to me because the story is all up in my noggin, and not anyone else's.

Just send a PM to me or one of the other known proofreaders around the forum

I like this! Your OC is actually interesting (I usually don't like them at all) and your Molly is cool too. There were a few criticisms I might have offered, but Mirage already beat me to them, so yeah. Overall, good stuff. I look forward to more.

Miki is correct, this OC is an assbutt. Possibly salvageable though.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Yes, but his change of heart came directly after discovering the papers in the trash, so my first asssumption was that the two things were related; that he was nicer because of what he found in the trash.

Possibly because he was acting that way because he resented being taken from his club, but when he realizes that the club intentionally ditched him it kills the sense of loyalty that caused that resentment.

Why he took so long to just decide to join the council both to fufill his club requirement and to screw the old club over is a mystery, however.

I'm also not clear on why he'd be drawn to the mysterious scraps of blue paper since presumably he was also part of that drawing and thus would know exactly what they were, hence no reason to need to investigate. Which is why I originally thought that a deal had been struck with Shizune to intentionally lose him or something, OOC as that would be for her to accept. It's problematic either way.

nemz wrote:mysterious scraps of blue paper

Other than the "drawing from the hat" situation, the other potential scenario that I thought of when Assbutt saw the slips of paper was that the other club members voted to kick someone out, but they did it when he wasn't around because they knew they'd nominate Assbutt. Because he's an Assbutt.

This is good, Doctor. This story is on my watch list next to Once More.

So most of the continuity and character mistakes have been fixed at this point.

Part four of Hey Bulldog will be back, as a new chapter, in possibly a few days as a short conclusion to Act 1, once I've finished editing it.

Thanks for reading and thanks for all the input and comments, everyone.

It's an interesting story, but none of the characters have managed to really be likeable so far. Even Miki comes off as annoying with her practical jokes and constantly calling your main character assbutt.

“Well, maybe… maybe if you weren’t such a moody dick all the time, we wouldn’t h-have all written your name down instead of ours.” He manages to stutter out. Oh, so it’s my fault? You think that’s going to calm me down, Takamichi? By blaming me? Because it sure as shit isn’t going to work. But keep trying, asshole.

Honestly, at this part I couldn't help but at least partially agree with Takamichi. We've been given no real reason to like the main character yet and plenty of reasons to hate him.


Also the main premise for the story feels rather forced, but Mirage has went over that so far.

Liked story. It was nice to see how it wovens around canonical events known from VN (whole Cold War thing and reason for this scene).

While it is indeed strange that Yuuto would wait so long not doing anything (he does not look like someone that would just ignore it like that), I have no problems with Takamichi complaining to teacher. He seems to be just plain dumb jock that would do exactly that: complain about assault and lie about reason without much thought about believalibity. Good riddance.

Alright. A few edits, mostly for consistency, have been made.

The edits that change something noticeable about the story are as follows:

1: Chapter 2: Title has been changed from "It Only Makes Me Laugh" to "Keepin' It Real". In addition, Yuuto no longer finds strips of paper in the trash. He has a conversation with a member of his club about the name drawing.

2: Chapter 3: Yuuto has Molly and Miki run an errand in town for him while working for the Student Council. It is only mentioned.

3: Chapter 4: Yuuto finds out about the music club's betrayal through a member of the club, which leads to his confrontation with Takamichi.

Before continuing with this chapter, I recommend either reading the spoilers about my story edits above or just read the whole thing over again.

Chapter 5: Hello, Goodnight
“That luck can change like that high tide. Bad things can soon turn out alright.”

It's dark outside by the time I lift my head from my bedroom desk. I stare out my window at the glow of the festival below me. Not that I have much of a choice for something else to do. Yoshinaga took me straight to the Principal's office, where Takamichi was waiting for me. The idiot relayed a whale of a tale about how I just came out of the blue claiming that he had taken the Club Presidency from me and that I had just punched him for that. I, of course, told them everything. That Takamichi was a horrible choice for the head of the Music club. That I had been working for the student council as a club punishment because he failed to properly fill out any paperwork.

By the time I actually got to my confrontation of Takamichi in the hallway, he was chewing on his nails.

Especially since I pointed out that at least seven other students were around to hear me yelling at him.

There's no point in denying that I hit him. I admitted to losing my temper when Takamichi called Shizune and Misha "bitches". I admitted to the "motherfucking kill you" line that I just had to drop before walking away. I regret that now. That's going to put me in hot water, no matter what. It's a death threat. Even if it was empty, the principal couldn't dismiss that. And unfortunately, those seven other students heard me say it.

So I can't just leave that out.

And I had been working so hard to just stay under the radar for three years.

That's all gone now. I'm definitely going to be watched closely for the rest of my third year here.

But I can't help but feel a little sorry for Takamichi. While there's no way I'm getting out of this without a little dirt on my face, by lying through his teeth to the guy in charge, he just did a face-plant into the mud.

The best part was when Shizune and Misha were pulled into the office to confirm my claims of Takamichi's neglected club duties. The look on his face? I'll have that saved to my memory forever.

So there was a phone call to my parents, talk about me having to transfer into another class, a list of extra-work that I'll have to do for the school as a punishment and then off to the nurse’s office to bandage my hand before it bled all over the floors of the school.

Takamichi was still waiting on his punishment before I was sent away. I don't know the fate of the music club, but I assume without my membership and Takamichi's web of lies, it's going to be disbanded.

And now I'm confined to my dorm room. And just who suggested that as the start of my punishment? The Student Council President herself. Even with me joining them, I really can't escape any consequences for punching that moron in his stupid face.

All in all, I guess I'm getting off pretty lightly. I'm still enrolled at Yamaku. I haven't lost my scholarship and I'm still part of a club. I mean, granted, it's student council and I'm starting to rethink that move.

If the workload is anything like the last two weeks, I'm going to kill myself before the end of the year.

I place my head back down on the desk. Nothing to do but stare out the window until I fall asleep again. Molly hasn't been by in about three days, so my bed is covered in dirty clothes again. And so is my floor, since my closet is where I’m keeping my bike. I’ve decorated the clothing lumps on the floor with a few empty soda cans, a bunch of empty cd cases and my towel. Stacked up in front of the closet is all the weird garbage I’ve been collecting from the stores in town for when I go back home.

There's a clean spot in the middle of it all where Miki usually sits when she and Molly visit.

My cellphone rattles across my desk. A quick glance at the screen lets me know that I've got twenty-five voicemails from home. Mom doesn't let up, I guess. But I get it. I just about threw a very expensive school and my future down the drain, blah blah blah. I'm going to work in an office that doesn't require me to have anything more than a high school diploma until I die. I already decided on that. College is just going to take too much of my time away from me. Molly says I should go to college to study music, since Yamaku doesn't exactly have any music-oriented classes for me to take.

But what sort of paycheck would I get with a music degree? Probably something pretty abysmal. I'm not some world famous concert pianist. I'm just a kid who screws around on an old Yamaha keyboard when he's bored.

I drum my fingers against my desk, watching the glow from the festival slowly get lower and lower. At least I haven't slept through the entire thing. I turn my gaze skyward to observe the heavens.

Yep. Stars. They're pretty.

I regret punching Takamichi now. I could have been out there enjoying the fruits of my hard labor with Miki and Molly. Hell, even Shizune and Misha at this point would be preferable to sitting here alone.

I'm wasting this really romantic moment. Too bad I don't have a girlfriend. Most girls assume that I'm dating either Miki or Molly since they don't leave me alone ever. And I'm not dating either of them.

Molly wouldn't be the worst choice in the world, I suppose.

God forbid that I ever dated Miki.

How sad though. This is the perfect moment to pull a girl close, let her know how beautiful she looks in the moonlight and-

I lift my head from my desk as the door opens.

"My hand is fine now tha- Oh. It's just you two."

"Pfffffft. Just us? Nice to know you care, assbutt," Miki feigns offence, placing her hand against her chest. "It's just us? Here we are, coming to make sure you're okay." She steps out of the doorway to let Molly in behind her.

"We brought sandwiches." Molly holds up a plastic bag as she hobbles in. Miki pushes the door shut quietly behind her.

Thank you, Molly.

"Gah. Give them here. I'm starving." I wave both my hands, trying to get the smaller girl to throw the entire bag to me.

Miki stops her short and pulls out one of the sandwiches. She tosses it to me before rummaging around in the bag again.

"We brought all three of us some sandwiches, assbutt. They're not just for you." She pulls another identically wrapped square out of the plastic bag.

I haven't eaten anything all day. I don't care where they're from, this sandwich is going to be amazing.

"It's too bad you got stuck in here all day. The festival's been a lot of fun. Even if I had to pull a double shift at our class stall because someone ditched us."

"I was busy with the track team, Molly." Miki fibs.

Before continuing with this chapter, I recommend either reading the spoilers about my story edits above or just read the whole thing over again.

Chapter 5: Hello, Goodnight, Part 2

Molly takes a seat on the edge of my bed as Miki plops down on the floor in her usual spot. I turn around in my chair to face them, just before attempting to inhale my food.

"Take it easy, Yuuto." Miki laughs.

"He's probably starving, Miki."

"I don't think he even tasted that first half."

"Oh! No, Yuuto! You can't just shove the whole thing into your mouth."

"Haha! T-That's what she-"

"Miki!"

Miki takes a bite from her sandwich and chews slowly. She's staring at me. Why is she staring at me?

"Sho, Molly shays you punshed dat Taka-whutever guy." Bits of bread crumbs spill from Miki's mouth.

I swallow half my sandwich down and nod.

"Nice. I never thought you had it in you, Yuuto. I'm totally seeing you in a different light now." Miki takes another bite of her sandwich.

Molly's barely even had time to unwrap her own yet. At this rate, Miki or I will steal half of it. We usually do. Molly needs to learn to eat faster.

"Really now?"

"Yeah. It's pretty manly. Kinda sexy too." Miki gives me a wink.

"Oh? Did it turn you on, Miki?"

"Totally. You wanna go? How about we do it right here on this dirty pile of your... BOXERS!" Miki grabs a handful of my dirty undergarments and tosses them at poor Molly. They scatter as they hit her, covering her in my unmentionables. The other girl lets out a shriek and starts flinging them back at her. It's a vicious battle.

"Miki! Stop! That's gross!"

"I'll stop when you stop!"

"Could the two of you please not start a laundry fight with my boxers?" Again.

Miki's rebuttal is a pair of my socks to my face.

UGH. I really need to wash those.

Molly immediately drops a pair of blue boxers decorated with little squids down to the ground. She mutters something that I assume is an apology.

"I mean I wore those earlier so you both pretty much just indirectly touched my jun-"

"So, uh, change of topic... what's going on with your scholarship? If you really did punch Takamichi, you're probably not part of the music club anymore, right?" Molly pulls on her right braid, trying her best not to look at me.

I swallow another large portion of my sandwich. These would usually be pretty bland but right now it's the greatest thing in the world.

"I don't think I was really planning on going back to the music club, anyway."

"Not goin- What about your scholarship? Don't you have to be part of a club as one of the stipulations?" Molly asks. "Why weren't you going to go back to the-" She's getting frantic.

"Calm down, Molly. I wasn't going to go back because that name drawing we had wasn't exactly fair. Everyone wrote my name down on their little strip of paper. Noriko told me right before I punched Takamichi. I guess he rallied to have everyone get me out of their hair for a while by doing that."

"Ouch."

"That's terrible of them, Yuuto!" Molly lets go of her right braid and moves onto pulling on the left one. "So you're really not going to be part of the music club anymore?"

"Nope. I guess I should have just went to Shizune or Misha about it... But, what does it matter now? I already gave Takamichi my notice."

"You mean you punched him."

"Same thing."

"You could join the track team. As long as you show up for practices and stuff, the captain doesn't care how fast you run or whatever." Miki offers.

I shake my head.

"No. I already joined Student Council."

Miki snorts loudly. "You're joking."

"You what?" Molly can't seem to get her head around those words.

"Well, Shizune and Misha are kind of nice and-"

“Look at you! Using their first names? What exactly happened to you today, assbutt?” Miki interrupts me by throwing another pair of balled up socks at me.

"You just spent the last two weeks complaining about how terrible they were!" Molly's tugging on both her braids now. I don't see why this is getting her so worked up.

I shrug. Yeah. I did. Do you want me to admit that I was wrong, Molly?

"So Takamichi say why they all wrote your name down or anything?"

"He says that I've been a moody dick. Apparently all the time."

"The term is assbutt." Miki retorts. "And you are an assbutt."

"I am not an assbut! I'm...."

"You're kind of grumpy a lot..." Molly mutters.

"Molly!"

"Well you are. Like... a little." She continues, unable to look at me.

"More like all the time," Miki interjects. "I can count the amount of times you've smiled on one hand. All you do is mope and complain and criticize everything. I mean, it's not super bad all the time, but yeah."

I turn to Molly. She gives me a little smile, looking guilty.

"It's true. You're not very pleasant sometimes, Yuuto."

"Like eighty percent of the time." Miki corrects her.

Huh.

"Then why do you two hang out with me? I mean, if I'm that bad-"

"Because Molly thought you were cute in our first year."

"M-M-MIKI!"

"What? You did. You love the brooding artist types. That's why we started hanging out with Yuuto, Mol-Mol. And then it was pretty obvious you were just a regular old grump and you needed us to keep your head above the water. I was just trying to fix you up with Molly here for the start of it but-"

"I smile." I throw in. It is pretty obvious Molly doesn't want to go down that path. And I don't want to do that right now either. Miki snorts again.

"YOU SO DO NOT!"

"I do!" I turn to Molly.

"Molly! Tell her I smile."

"But you don't." Molly gives me a small frown.

Ouch, Molly. I thought you'd have my back on that.

Miki jumps up from my floor and stands next to me. She throws her arm around my neck, as usual, and pulls me into some weird hug.

"You don't even smile when we joke around. That's why I pick on you so much. Every once in a while, you manage to smile from one of my pranks or jokes, Yuuchan."

"Please don't start calling me that. I'd prefer assbutt."

"Try smiling more and I'll think about it." Miki thumps her stumped wrist against the top of my head.

"I can't just smile on command."

"Sure you can, Yuuto! Just like this see?" Miki turns my head towards her and grins. Then she shoves two fingers into my mouth and tugs the corners of it out and up.

"Yerurtinee."

"Don't be such a wuss." Miki pulls her fingers from my mouth.

I open my mouth, but whatever I was going to say in protest is lost as something pops loudly behind me. Miki nearly throws me out of the chair as she turns towards the noise. Even Molly pushes herself off the bed to join us at my desk. Miki forces me to my feet and I'm sandwiched between the two girls as all three of us peer out my window.

Showers of sparks erupt in the sky. I turn off my desk lamp to remove the glare from the window and each flash of light bathes my room in its particular color. Green. Red. Yellow. Blue.

"I forgot about the fireworks." Molly says quietly.

So had I, and I saw the request form that Shizune filled out. I guess she and Misha worked really hard on this festival. I might have busted my ass, but I mostly built stalls. And not all of them came from me.

Too bad we have to crowd around my tiny window just to see these. It would have been much better out on the roof with them exploding in the sky all around us. That might be the one thing I really totally regret about punching Takamichi.

Not one of us mutters another word as the fireworks erupt outside of my window. They really set the mood for romance again. Too bad I'm stuck with these two.

"Either of you want to make out?"

"Y-Yuuto!"

"Shut up, assbutt. You're ruining it."

Miki turns to face me and her mouth turns into her wide grin.

"There. A smile. You're off to a good start, Yuuto."

The small smile on my face slowly grows bigger.

"Ugh. Tone it down. It looks weird on you. I'm still not used to it, man."

I laugh.

"Shut up, Miki."

One Shot:When Yuuto met Molly (And Miki too!)
Next Act:The Ballad of Queen Bee & Baby Duck