Still a lot of jumping between tenses, but at least this time I can recognize you intended to write past tense. Try to get rid of the present tense passages and you'll be good.
Personally I think your characterization of Hanako is a bit over the top, but like I said that's just me.
One comment I forgot to make about chapter 1 - I hope you have a good reason why the reason your OC is in Yamaku isn't in hiis medical record... That kind of defeats the purpose of a medical record, doesn't it?
Scar Crossed Lovers (OCXHanako) (Update 3-15-13- CH 2)
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6148
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Re: Scar Crossed Lovers (OCXHanako) (Update 3-15-13- CH 2)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.