Katawa Shoujo Forums

I have to admit that I'm not too fond of reading fanfictions that simply retell the original story from another PoV. It can be an interesting experiment for a scene or two but not for a whole path.
Especially since the purpose of this one seems to be to portray Lilly in a more positive light than she was in the VN... That's my first impression anyway. We'll see if the prediction comes true as your story progresses. I might keep reading just to find out

That said, from the technical side there's nothing to criticise that hasn't been mentioned already.

Mirage_GSM wrote:I have to admit that I'm not too fond of reading fanfictions that simply retell the original story from another PoV. It can be an interesting experiment for a scene or two but not for a whole path.
Especially since the purpose of this one seems to be to portray Lilly in a more positive light than she was in the VN... That's my first impression anyway. We'll see if the prediction comes true as your story progresses. I might keep reading just to find out

That said, from the technical side there's nothing to criticise that hasn't been mentioned already.

I will admit that even I thought the 2nd chapter didn't add much to what was already known about Lilly. I mostly wanted to place her thought process into words. She makes so many questionable decisions and I figured writing out her reasoning and motivations would be fun. When you sit down at 11:30 PM to start writing a story and finish at 3:30 AM with school at 8, you kinda want to just find a stopping point.

Some interesting scenes/thoughts that were never portrayed are; Lilly and Hanako's conversation after dinner, Lilly's relationship with her classmates, especially Kenji, her thoughts as to why she chose to go to Scotland, why she pushed the decision of her leaving onto him, and, most importantly, what happened between her getting into the taxi and Hisao waking up in the hospital with her.

The guy who was doing the story from Hanako's perspective inspired me to do this. If I finish the story and still have the writing bug, I may write some epilogues for fun.

Great, <insert Orwell clapping hands>.

Only few things to mention from me:
- the first few sentences look like Lilly is an alcoholic a tiny bit too much, but it went away
- after "He leads me inside, " sentence I'd insert a separator, because while reading it I immediately went on the next sentence and it look rushed, in KS there is a fade-out of sorts.
- the few sentences between Lilly wanting a kiss and them getting on the floor, the part looked a bit... dry I guess, like almost a transcript of conversation without any internal dialogue or description. Only a few words could make that part much better

And then more of a question, do they really fall asleep together? I know that in KS there were no details, but from the conversation after I got the feeling that they just lay there for a while and went to sleep separately, but I may be misunderstanding that. I'm asking because of canon and stuff mostly.

But like the previous part, nicely written and thank you for not deviating from my interpretation of the story.

Oh and have you read the fanfic from Akira's point of view "What They Deserve"? The one that explains everything from the phone call that lead Hisao to the park to Lilly meeting Hisao in hospital? Because that covers the taxi etc. (as you mentioned it) quite brilliantly. Not to hold you back of course, but that's so great that it's "my personal canon" for me

--

Oh I also need to comment about "Lilly being portrayed in a better light here than KS". I don't think she was portrayed in a bad light in KS. Some people took it like that, but only because they did not feel their own (Hisao's) mistakes. I mean come on, she loves the guy but everybody else will be gone and she needs someone strong in her life to help her. Hanako needs someone strong herself, she cannot be a burden on her. Lilly actually gives Hisao a few opportunities to make her stay, but he does nothing. So Lilly never was "bad" in my book.

Plague wrote:Great, <insert Orwell clapping hands>.

Only few things to mention from me:
- the first few sentences look like Lilly is an alcoholic a tiny bit too much, but it went away
- after "He leads me inside, " sentence I'd insert a separator, because while reading it I immediately went on the next sentence and it look rushed, in KS there is a fade-out of sorts.
- the few sentences between Lilly wanting a kiss and them getting on the floor, the part looked a bit... dry I guess, like almost a transcript of conversation without any internal dialogue or description. Only a few words could make that part much better

And then more of a question, do they really fall asleep together? I know that in KS there were no details, but from the conversation after I got the feeling that they just lay there for a while and went to sleep separately, but I may be misunderstanding that. I'm asking because of canon and stuff mostly.

But like the previous part, nicely written and thank you for not deviating from my interpretation of the story.

Oh and have you read the fanfic from Akira's point of view "What They Deserve"? The one that explains everything from the phone call that lead Hisao to the park to Lilly meeting Hisao in hospital? Because that covers the taxi etc. (as you mentioned it) quite brilliantly. Not to hold you back of course, but that's so great that it's "my personal canon" for me

--

Oh I also need to comment about "Lilly being portrayed in a better light here than KS". I don't think she was portrayed in a bad light in KS. Some people took it like that, but only because they did not feel their own (Hisao's) mistakes. I mean come on, she loves the guy but everybody else will be gone and she needs someone strong in her life to help her. Hanako needs someone strong herself, she cannot be a burden on her. Lilly actually gives Hisao a few opportunities to make her stay, but he does nothing. So Lilly never was "bad" in my book.

When it comes to alcohol, I believe Lilly is a bit too attached to it. For a person as prim and proper as her, it makes sense that alcohol helps her relax. In the story even Hisao noticed that Lilly was a bit too keen on alcohol, and I believe Hisao is oblivious to everything except the extremely obvious.

The portion about "He leads me inside" is good advice, I'll change that in a sec.

For the love scene I wanted it to look more like Lilly wasn't thinking at all, just feeling. She has so many conflicting thoughts about being with Hisao, I took the love scene as her giving in to her passion and losing most of her inner monologue.

Finally, I believe they do fall asleep together, at least for a short while. They're both incredibly exhausted and, with Lilly finally giving in to Hisao, I feel she would have just fallen asleep there and then, when she woke up with a little more sense in her brain, walked back to her room.

I have not read the Akira PoV of the taxi ride. I'm not sure what it entails but I think I'll read it after I do my version. I don't want to steal from anyone else

For a second I seriously thought that you would leave us hanging right before the H-scene. If you did that I would have to kill you. But regardless, I enjoyed this chapter very much and had a question for you. Are you going to continue after the hospital scene and the canon scene as well?

StudyOfWumbology wrote:For a second I seriously thought that you would leave us hanging right before the H-scene. If you did that I would have to kill you. But regardless, I enjoyed this chapter very much and had a question for you. Are you going to continue after the hospital scene and the canon scene as well?

I would very much like to. I have some ideas about what happens at University and how the conflict with Lilly's parents ends up getting resolved. Writing is something I enjoy doing in my free time so I may just continue the story at my leisure.

I will make it known when I am transitioning from canon to epilogue though.

centurion911 wrote:

StudyOfWumbology wrote:For a second I seriously thought that you would leave us hanging right before the H-scene. If you did that I would have to kill you. But regardless, I enjoyed this chapter very much and had a question for you. Are you going to continue after the hospital scene and the canon scene as well?

I would very much like to. I have some ideas about what happens at University and how the conflict with Lilly's parents ends up getting resolved. Writing is something I enjoy doing in my free time so I may just continue the story at my leisure.

I will make it known when I am transitioning from canon to epilogue though.

Anndddd my day is made.

Plague wrote:Oh I also need to comment about "Lilly being portrayed in a better light here than KS". I don't think she was portrayed in a bad light in KS. Some people took it like that, but only because they did not feel their own (Hisao's) mistakes. I mean come on, she loves the guy but everybody else will be gone and she needs someone strong in her life to help her. Hanako needs someone strong herself, she cannot be a burden on her. Lilly actually gives Hisao a few opportunities to make her stay, but he does nothing. So Lilly never was "bad" in my book.

Well, it is a matter of opinion.
Considering what most people would have done in Hisao's situation I can't really find any fault with his actions.
Lilly starts a relationship with him specifically asking him to "never leave her" while knowing (or at least being aware of the strong possibility) that she will be leaving him shortly.
Regardless of whether or not she had actually made her decision at that point, she makes it soon after and neglects to inform her lover of that quite important fact. He doesn't learn about it until less than a week before she is going to leave and not even from herself but from her sister. And Lilly's first reaction is to be annoyed with Akira for "meddling". The only thing even close to an apology on her part is a simple "I'm sorry".
In this situation, Hisao is still thinking first and foremost about what would make Lilly happy. The church has declared people saints for less selfless bahaviour.
Note that I don't fault Lilly for wanting to be with Akira and her family, but her behaviour towards Hisao is absolutely shitty.

There's also another point, but it is a bit meta: Lilly's path is all about honesty. Hisao can head for a bad end for little things like not going on full disclosure on his disability to a girl he's met only a few days before or for not mentioning a letter. Lilly gets away with her deception and Hisao still puts his life on the line to get her back. Double standards anyone?

Mirage_GSM wrote:

Plague wrote:Oh I also need to comment about "Lilly being portrayed in a better light here than KS". I don't think she was portrayed in a bad light in KS. Some people took it like that, but only because they did not feel their own (Hisao's) mistakes. I mean come on, she loves the guy but everybody else will be gone and she needs someone strong in her life to help her. Hanako needs someone strong herself, she cannot be a burden on her. Lilly actually gives Hisao a few opportunities to make her stay, but he does nothing. So Lilly never was "bad" in my book.

Well, it is a matter of opinion.
Considering what most people would have done in Hisao's situation I can't really find any fault with his actions.
Lilly starts a relationship with him specifically asking him to "never leave her" while knowing (or at least being aware of the strong possibility) that she will be leaving him shortly.
Regardless of whether or not she had actually made her decision at that point, she makes it soon after and neglects to inform her lover of that quite important fact. He doesn't learn about it until less than a wekk before she is going to leave and not even from herself but from her sister. And Lilly's first reaction is to be annoyed with Akira for "meddling". The only thing even close to an apology on her part is a simple "I'm sorry".
In this situation, Hisao is still thinking first and foremost about what would make Lilly happy. The church has declared people saints for less selfless bahaviour.
Note that I don't fault Lilly for wanting to be with Akira and her family, but her behaviour towards Hisao is absolutely shitty.

There's also another point, but it is a bit meta: Lilly's path is all about honesty. Hisao can head for a bad end for little things like not going on full disclosure on his disability to a girl he's met only a few days before or for not mentioning a letter. Lilly gets away with her deception and Hisao still puts his life on the line to get her back. Double standards anyone?

Ah, but did she really made her decision? Her saying "Some... time" is about knowing about the summons, not choosing to go. Also she never said she want to leave, it's Hisao who actually says that. And that's not arguing semantics, but I really do understand it in a way that she does not want to go, but cannot really be sure of how Hisao fully feels about the relationship, I mean they are together for a few weeks and know each other for 2 months.
She only says that Akira is leaving and her father summoned her. And Hisao does not ask for anything more and simply says she's going and that "it's ok, it's jsut really sudden". I truly do think that he could explain to her that he truly wants to stay in her life and help her with anything even this.

As to why I think that, well I actually was in the same situation as he was (except for the distance not being half the planet). But I did say I want her to be with me in the end and I did not stop seeing her after she first told me about her going. So that's why I actually know what went wrong there and it was not Lilly's fault.

But hey, feel free to PM, since I don't want to hijack this thread

Yep, I agree with "Plague". Lilly never divulges her intentions about leaving, Hisao just assumes that she will. Not once does he say anything about wanting her to stay, or tell her his feelings. Actually, he doesn't even ask her if she WANTS to leave. Think about it: Lilly can keep her entire family and unconditional love and support(if only primarily from Akira), or take a chance to stay with a guy who doesn't even necessarily want her to.

It's very obvious that Lilly is conflicted about her decision to leave, and hasn't necessarily decided that she will. I think her intentions were to put off conversations about her leaving for as long as possible so she wouldn't lose anyone before she had to. It seems to be more painful for her when Hisao "readily accepts" losing her(read it without his inner monologues and it seems this way). Why wouldn't she leave when the person she loves most gives her up so easily? I think, in a pure what-if scenario, if Hisao had ever shared his feelings with her and wanted her to stay, she would have.



Edit: Oh, and where is the Akira "What They Deserve" fanfic? Search isn't returning any results for me.

Lilly Act IV wrote:hi "What did you decide to do, in the end?"
...
li "My family does dearly want me to return to them, and Akira will be going as well. I could still teach as a career, whether it be here or there."
hi "So… you're going."

hi "How long have you known? I already know you were asked when you first went to Scotland, about a month ago."
li "Some… time."

Plague wrote:Her saying "Some... time" is about knowing about the summons, not choosing to go.

Read the passage again:
Even at this point Lilly cannot outright say that she is going to leave, instead she states all the reasons why she is going to leave, leaving Hisao to say the actual words.
Hisao's question is how long she has knows that she would be going. He already knows when she was asked, and he says that in the same line.
The "Some...time" clearly refers to her decision...

rz3 wrote:Lilly never divulges her intentions about leaving, Hisao just assumes that she will. Not once does he say anything about wanting her to stay, or tell her his feelings. Actually, he doesn't even ask her if she WANTS to leave.

Again read the line I quoted. If she'd said something like "On the other hand I love you and I don't want to leave you, so the decision has been very hard for me," Hisao might have been encouraged to plead with her.
Instead she's listing all the reasons why she should go and doesn't mention him at all. Hisao does love her and wants to do what's best for her. What other conclusion could he make from her words?

It's very obvious that Lilly is conflicted about her decision to leave, and hasn't necessarily decided that she will.

Yes, she was conflicted, but she explicitly states that her decision has been made.

...if Hisao had ever shared his feelings with her and wanted her to stay, she would have.

That argument goes both ways: If she had shared her feelings with him, he might have tried harder to make her stay.
Anyway, I didn't intend for my comment to spark a discussion like this. This thread is for a fanfiction. If you want to continue this discussion, I suggest moving it to the discussion forum.

rz3 wrote: Edit: Oh, and where is the Akira "What They Deserve" fanfic? Search isn't returning any results for me.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8736640/1/What-They-Deserve
It's a story from Akira's POV. Starts in the park when she calls Hisao, goes through every scene in the game that has Akira in it afterwards and then continues to map the following 24 hours to the point of Lilly hugging Hisao in the hospital.
Then there is an epilogue that cgives closure to Akira and connects with the KS epilogue after credits. It was written sometime later than the main passage (meaning it is not really needed there but is a nice read).

I wake calmly, the sound of rain resonating through the summer house.

I'm so glad I woke up before Hanako, it gave me just enough time to sneak back to my bed. Last night was an absolute fantasy for me, but why am I still worried?

Did I force my feelings onto him? What if he doesn't really feel that way, he just acquiesced me out of pity? Oh Hisao, I love you but I'm still so scared. You said you weren't going to leave me, I truly hope you meant that.

I hear Hanako stagger out of bed, yawning and, presumably, rubbing her eyes. As she brushes her teeth, a pang of guilt blindsides me.

I had promised her that I would back off Hisao and, let's face it, I did completely the opposite. If she's accepted my offer and finds out that I slept with him, she's going to hate me. Hanako, I didn't mean to pull you into this. I just couldn't stand the thought of losing someone else. I wasn't strong enough to hide my feelings, and now I might hurt two of the people I love most in this world.

Hanako groggily walks out the door and into the living room. After a few seconds I follow reluctantly, dreading what may happen when Hanako finds out Hisao and I confessed.

A light conversation seizes my attention. It appears Hisao choked on his pills when Hanako entered the room. Hisao......at least you're taking your pills.

"Hi Lilly" Hisao greets me warmly.

"Good morning....Hisao" I reply a little tensely. Oh god, I need to talk to him alone. Hanako's going to know something is up.

"Um, I'll....start making breakfast." Hisao says as he begins walking away.

Jesus Hisao, are you a mind reader? "I'll help, Hanako, could you set the table?".

She accepts her task while Hisao and I walk to the kitchen. After a few moments of tense silence Hisao whispers, "Are you ok, Lilly? After last night..."

He's worried about me? It was an amazing time, but I still feel like I may have forced him into it. I nod slowly, contemplating my next words.

"I'm sorry Hisao. I wasn't thinking straight yesterday. I wasn't considering you or Hanako, and I even went as far as..."

I feel him gently bump me, "You don't have to apologize. I said I liked you as well, after all."

"But, I," I can feel tears on the edge of my voice. Remembering last night, how tense I am now, how embarrassed I feel. It's becoming too much.

He wordlessly pulls me into an embrace. I sink into his arms, pulling back from the sobs. I feel his head snap up, noticing something.

Hanako

She must have seen us
===================================
Dinner passes in complete silence. I want to start something, to begin explaining, but my tongue feels caught in my throat.

"Lilly..." Hisao asks, forcing me to respond.

"This might seem abrupt," I begin, "But I've confessed to Hisao."

"Did you accept," She asks inquisitively. I can't read her response at all.

"I did," Hisao admits.

"Then I'm happy, I'm really really happy," Her words are so earnest, so bright that I feel myself believing them entirely. Her reaction stuns me. It was the best response I could imagine, so I never expected it.

"I'm sorry for not telling you anything about it before," I apologize, "Things have been..."

"To be honest, I began to think you might like each other a while ago. At first I didn't know what to think about it...but I..., I decided in the end that if my friends were happy, then I'm happy." She continues "I was really glad to have another friend when we met Hisao, so you finding love through him is even better, right?"

Her words do not crash onto me like the waves of an ocean, they settle on the skin and melt into me. I feel completely relaxed and relieved.

"Thank you Hanako. I really appreciate you being so understanding." Though her explanation of her feelings moved me, I still feel guilty.

"Hisao," I hear her say "do you mind if me and Lilly go outside a bit?"

"Ah, no. Feel free."

"Hanako?" I question as she grabs my hand and drags me outside.

Once we're out of earshot, Hanako speaks up.

"Lilly, you did the right thing, you did the BEST thing." I've never heard her speak with this conviction before, "But, most importantly, you did what was right for yourself and not someone else."

"Hanako, what do you mean?"

"You do so much for me, you're always charging in on your white horse to take care of me. You giving up Hisao for me would have been too much. I may like him, but you love him, I can see that."

"Charge in on my white horse?" I ask.

She responds "Our friendship has been one sided for a while now, you do so much for me and I feel so....useless. I have never seen you do something only for yourself before. You confessing to Hisao showed me that you thought of me as a friend, not some waste of space that needs to be tiptoed around and catered to."

"Hanako I just did what I have to do. I had so many feelings about Hisao. I never thought you were useless and didn't mean to make you feel that way. I just thought you needed help, and I always help those that I feel need it" I'm rambling now.

Her embrace stops me, "Lilly, I don't not appreciate what you do for me. I just want this to be a turning point, where you stop being my mother and start being my friend."

I feel her pull back and excitedly say, "This trip made me feel like I had a family again. Hisao's my brother and you're my sister and...oh, wait. T-that wouldn't w-work." It takes me a second to understand, and I begin laughing.

"My, my, someone's a bit cheeky today," She laughs as I laugh. As we sit in this field laughing together, I know my life has changed today for the better.
==========================================================

We spent the rest of today alternating between lounging around the house and exploring the outside of Hokkaido. It's not the most exciting way to end the trip, but I feel we all needed a bit of serene-ness to finish out the day.

As I lie here on my bed I begin to think about my parents' summons.

I still don't know how to respond. I couldn't tell Hisao now, he'd just end this relationship and leave me. If I wait to tell him then he'll be angry that I kept it secret. Finally, if I refuse the summons I'll be out of favor with my parents and separated from Akira for a man who, though I do love, I have very new feelings for.

I'm just going to have to wait, an answer has to pop up sometime.

As I hear the sound of Hisao's bath running, I realize that I need him right now.

Walking over to the bathroom door, I knock and wonder what the hell I'm doing.

"May I...come in?" I tentatively ask.

"I'm still in the bath, I'll be out in a sec."

Oh Hisao, you silly goose, that's the point. "...I know" I respond.

"S-sure, come in," Now he sounds like Hanako, please don't sound like Hanako. Stop thinking about Hanako when you're in the bathroom with your naked boyfriend Lilly!

"Ah...H-hey...Lilly," I need to ask this quickly, before I lose my nerve to be with Hanako...Hisao, HISAO! Not Hanako, Hisao!

"Do you mind if I take a bath with you?" I sputter out quickly. I feel very awkward about this but I want to be near him. The touch of his hands, the smoothness of his skin, his.....they're all I can think about.

"I don't mind, go ahead," Thank god that damn stutter is gone. As I undress I hear his voice "I could do that for you, if you'd like."

Blushing furiously, I respond "Refused."

"Why?" He asks.

"..." because I'm already extremely embarrassed and I want to be near you and oh god I feel awkward and...

Damn it Lilly, just stop thinking, you're gonna hurt yourself.

As I fully undress, I swear, I can FEEL his eyes.

"Hisao"

"Hmm?'

"You're thinking perverted thoughts, aren't you?" I'm only teasing him, but to make it convincing I pout.

"Give me a break, you're undressing in front of me."

I pretend to think for a second, "I guess this would be somewhat more erotic for you than me."

"Why...Ah." He says slightly downcast.

I chuckle a bit, you're too easy Hisao.

"If this is too much for you Hisao I can come back later."

"No no this is fine. You're really beautiful you know."

My light shade of red must turn even darker now. "Hisao," I mutter.

"In any case, may I come in" I ask.

He accepts and I climb into the tub with him. I sit in his lap and I can feel him tensing up. It's so cute, he doesn't know how to respond.

Feeling his movements against mine sends light pulses of pleasure throughout my body. I love being close to him, feeling his body, just being with him.

"You run your baths quite hot don't you"

"A bit. Do you want me to run some cold water and cool it off a bit?"

Ever the gentleman Hisao. I decline his offer and begin to enjoy him.

After a long silence even I feel a bit tense. "Maybe this was a bit too..." I begin to admit.

"Don't worry, he says, it's ok." He pauses for a bit, "You know compared to Akira, you look more foreign."

"I took after my mother's side genetically. Akira took after my father's more."

"I guess that makes sense. How on earth did a native Scot and a Japanese businessman meet anyway?" He asks curiously.

Really Hisao. Your girlfriend's in the tub with you and you want to talk about my parents? Well alright, "My mother was a journalist. She met my father while at a conference in Inverness."

"Ah I see. Taking after your Scottish side would explain your height." He sighs as I nod, then he says "It really is too much isn't it?"

I laugh, enjoying the feeling of his body a bit more, "You're enjoying it though, aren't you?"

"In some ways yes, I guess things turned out ok in the end. Hanako's taken our relationship well and we'll be going back to school tomorrow."

"Indeed," I agree, "It's a shame to go back so soon, but we'll still have our memories of this place.

"Memories, huh?" He responds, "We'll have to see how everything goes when we get back. But for now.. I'm just glad you like me. I've been winding myself up for weeks, I'm thankful things turned out like this."

"Hey Lilly, how was it last night?"

I smile, blushing instinctively. I relax into his body, feeling it envelop me. "Hisao, your heart's beating...." My response is cut short as he places a hand on my thigh. My my, even he's starting to get frisky.

I lean into him as he kisses my neck and begins to massage my thighs.

"Hisao, please," I have to resist a little bit, can't let him think I'm that easy.

I grab his hand and move it to my breast.

Well, maybe I am that easy.

Every touch of his hands sends shock through my body. I don't remember his reactions being as intense as mine when I was feeling him last night.

I continue to protest weakly, but the protestations come less and less as I feel myself letting go. Allowing my pleasure to take over and succumb to him. I can't stop my body from squirming and I'm barely holding back a moan.

"Lilly..." he withdraws his hands, and motions for me to stand.

We both gingerly stand, get out of the tub, and sit down right next to it. I give him a kiss and hear him gasp as I lower myself onto him.

Just from his massages and fondling he has pushed me close to climax. I hold his head and kiss him while rocking my hips up and down.

"Hisao...," I plead, "Hisao..." tightening my grip on him, I feel the wave of pleasure coming.

His breathing quickens as his comes too, and, as he thrusts in deep for the last time, I dig my nails into his shoulders as we both climax.

Thoroughly spent, I slump forward onto him.

"That was...good," he responds between ragged gasps.

"Mm..," 'and that was one hell of an understatement Hisao', I think as I kiss him.
============================================

After taking a second bath, rushing through the station, nearly missing the train, and me almost falling onto the tracks, we all collapse into our seats. Hanako is asleep before she sits down.

My eyes are beginning to close as I hear Hisao groan, "So tired."

"And whose fault is that Hisao?" I can't resist making a jab at him. He was so forward in that tub, I liked it a lot.

"Yeah, yeah it was mine." He admits. "Still, getting into a bath with a guy is a dangerous thing to do."

"Evidently." I feign ignorance.

"Sorry. I guess I kind of took advantage of the situation back there."

I don't want him to think that. I let out, "Well...I didn't exactly hate it." I grin as my mind goes...elsewhere.

"Say it," he says smugly. He must have seen my smile.

"I...knew the possibility of it happening...was there." I admit far too easily. My my, this man.


"I knew it," I can almost feel his smile, "You're just as dirty minded as I am."

I definitely can't deny that it's true. Still, I'm a lady, "That's a rather crude way of putting it."

"Oh?" he replies amused, "and you would suggest?".

"I merely have a healthy adolescent sex drive." I reply cheekily.

"So, in other words, dirty minded." He persists.

I'm about to respond as Hanako mumbles and grips me tighter. For all her talk of wanting only a friend, she still cuddles with me like I'm her mother. At least in her sleep.

"You really love Hanako, don't you?"

I love her, I know I do. And I also love Hisao. if Akira were here then I would have everyone I love in one little room. I'd have everyone I need.

"It's a pity to return to school. She seemed to relax so much while we were all away."

"I wouldn't worry," He reassures me, "Hanako's been gaining confidence thanks to you, at least as long as I've known you."

More like in spite of me if I take into account what she told me.

I sigh, "I think I merely provided her with company and support. Since she came to know you she opened up more, even to me."

Because you treated her like a true friend, not someone that needs to be taken care of. You gave her enough self worth for her to tell me how she really felt. It's going to be hard to stop being the mother, but for her I will absolutely learn.

"On the bright side, it won't take long for the summer holidays to arrive after our exams are finished. We could come back here during the summer holidays if you want."

On this note, the guilt of my decision almost incapacitates me. He doesn't know, he wants to plan for the future. I can't tell him yet, I can't even tell him soon.

"That would be....good. I think."

It would be good, if it could happen. Oh Hisao, I know I can love you that much, I just hope you return my feelings.

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Oooh great, I love the frequency you put those out Thank you very much for it.

So as always, grammar looks nice (except for 'serene-ness' should be 'serenity' right? Although I am not a native speaker).
Also I love that I can agree with 99% of the stuff Lilly is thinking. The part with Hanako outside, I liked the connection to her route, the thinking behind not telling Hisao anything is perfect for me thus far.

The only problem I have is that there is too little of internal monologues. Sometimes there seems just to be a simple transcript of KS dialogue with nothing added. But I know you can do it and do it well because the parts that have it are just awesome and I truly love them.

tl;dr: It's very good but it could be awesome with just a few additions I think

Plague wrote:Oooh great, I love the frequency you put those out Thank you very much for it.

So as always, grammar looks nice (except for 'serene-ness' should be 'serenity' right? Although I am not a native speaker).
Also I love that I can agree with 99% of the stuff Lilly is thinking. The part with Hanako outside, I liked the connection to her route, the thinking behind not telling Hisao anything is perfect for me thus far.

The only problem I have is that there is too little of internal monologues. Sometimes there seems just to be a simple transcript of KS dialogue with nothing added. But I know you can do it and do it well because the parts that have it are just awesome and I truly love them.

tl;dr: It's very good but it could be awesome with just a few additions I think

Thank you very much for your input.

The frequency of the internal monologues is something I tried to address in a different way. Instead of having one lump paragraph of all Lilly's thoughts, I space them out in between the dialogues. I don't believe Lilly is someone who will stop and think in the middle of her conversation. Anytime she's had her mind on something else in the story it's been very apparent. I may work to extend the monologues that I have thus far but, for now, I think I will leave it as is I like the flow of the story and how Lilly is very mechanical on the outside but a swirling torrent on the inside.

Also, there are some things I'm not typing out in her thoughts because I don't think she fully realizes her thoughts as of now. She's spent quite a few years in denial about her parents and half the story in denial about her not wanting to go to Scotland. It seems to me that she doesn't sift through her thoughts as thoroughly as Hisao does, and that's a big problem for her