Re: Life vs. Living [OC x Hanako/post Lilly-good end/18+] Ch
Posted: Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:40 pm
Indeed. I'd love to see more.
(Where's the Walkthrough?)
https://ks.fhs.sh/
TacticalBacon wrote:Bookmarked just in case you are still writing this
First of all: Wow, people are still interested in my fanfic...I can't even believe people like it in the first place.pandaphil wrote:Indeed. I'd love to see more.
Great! looking forward to itM4rked0ne wrote: First of all: Wow, people are still interested in my fanfic...I can't even believe people like it in the first place.
Second: Yes, I'm still writing (though not really frequently). In fact, Ch. 4 is actually finished, but I'm searching for a proofreader again.
My last one started working recently and I don't want to put more pressure on him with my own stuff.
Anyway, I'm really sad about the fact that I only wrote so little over the course of 9 months, but it's flattering that some users are still hoping for updates.
I guess I can take that to get me more often into a writing mood.
I'll grant Lilly Daredevil-level hearing so she can discern if someone is limping even if a sighted person fails to notice it...“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s limping slightly on his left leg slightly.”
What a coincidence, I was just watching the Metro: Last Light ending. Funny how the universe works.M4rked0ne wrote:“Really? What a coincidence. What exactly is it about?”
“W-Well, it’s about an o-old and scarred s-soldier who is forced to l-live in the metro-tunnels with o-other survivors of an atomic w-war. He is t-trying to annihilate the d-dark threat to protect the m-metro dweller. O-On his way he meets s-some companion, like a y-young girl who he rescued from being k-killed. She accompanies him and t-together they travel the m-metro to defeat the dark t-threat.”
I guess thats one problem of my format. :/Mirage_GSM wrote: I'll grant Lilly Daredevil-level hearing so she can discern if someone is limping even if a sighted person fails to notice it...
But how can she distinguish whether he's limping on the left ot the right leg? ^^°
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Hisao
“But it’s impressive that he can play basketball although he has this problem with his leg.”
Lilly
“Problem with his leg?”
Hisao
“Oh, you didn’t know? I’m not sure what it is exactly but he’s limping slightly on his left leg.”
Pretentious, huh? Could you kindly give me an example of what was pretentious to you?Lianam wrote: So far I've only started reading the 2nd chapter, and so far I only have one critique: That sex scene in the first chapter was a little... the word choice seemed, I guess, pretentious I guess. I distinctly remember thinking, "Okay, that was a sentence..." while reading it.
Really? Didn't know that. Thanks for the hint.Lianam wrote: Also, a little tip: Him and Her refer to people only. Well, you can refer to a ship as a her, or something else like it as a him or a her, or something you personify, but that's not the point: my point is, body parts are referred to as "it" as a pronoun, not "him" or "her". Funny how grammar issues ended up bothering me while reading a sex scene...
I could actually see this being said like this, but not in a serious manner. Like, you'd say that in a joking manner that his penis is another being that is also male. But, that makes sense in context - Lilly teasing that it has its own feelings about the situation.“We shouldn’t forget him.”
That becomes a bit trickier. (BTW, it's "reaches", not reach.)Lilly’s hand reach down, guiding him into her.
I've planned to write some more sex-scenes, so I guess I will have to work on that. :/bhtooefr wrote: You might actually want to work on your terminology for genitalia and sex altogether, for that matter. I will say that it's hard to walk the line between clinical, lewd, and clichéd, when it comes to sexual terminology in English.
First of all, I don't know if you can call this 100% a self-insert. Sure, I've used myself as a template to create this character, but there are also other sources. So I think it's wrong to say that he and I are the same person, he's more of an alter ego or another me from a parallel universe. In the end, this OC is a klusterfuck. It not only contains me, but also things I've either experience, seen or heard of. For example, I drew my inspiration for his background mainly from Hopsin and a friend of mine.bhtooefr wrote: Finally... be careful with writing Hanako x OC. It's a path that's very prone to wish fulfillment self-inserts (and based the fact that you used a non-Japanese OC, and the results of a quick Google of your screen name, it looks like this may well be a self-insert), and that's only been done eleventy billion times. (I know, I know, I just posted a self-insert Hanako x OC story the other day, too, but at least I flipped genders around so that I self-inserted as Hanako instead of the OC, and it sure as hell wasn't wish fulfillment.)
I'm gonna be honest with you... your character honestly seems like the embodiment of how the entire population of old white guys in the US congress (in other words, 99% of the US congress) see someone that age- anti-conformist for the sake of being an anti-conformist, listens to rap and plays basketball, and overall comes off as a guy who thinks he's better than he really is (not that that's necessarily true, but it just seems like it)... which is probably why I personally can barely stand him...M4rked0ne wrote:First of all, I don't know if you can call this 100% a self-insert. Sure, I've used myself as a template to create this character, but there are also other sources. So I think it's wrong to say that he and I are the same person, he's more of an alter ego or another me from a parallel universe. In the end, this OC is a klusterfuck. It not only contains me, but also things I've either experience, seen or heard of. For example, I drew my inspiration for his background mainly from Hopsin and a friend of mine.
To be honest with you... that was actually my intention. Creating a character who isn't really likeable at the beginning. But you have to look past the surface: Why does he have such a personality?Lianam wrote:... and overall comes off as a guy who thinks he's better than he really is (not that that's necessarily true, but it just seems like it)... which is probably why I personally can barely stand him...
She hasn't fallen for him (it may look like it), she's just interested in him for no appearant reason.Lianam wrote:... it just seems like you made so Hanako falls for him just for the sake of falling for him.
I had something similiar in mind. The newspaper club (or a club in general) isn't a bad idea, but I don't think it really fits the OC. I have to think about it.Lianam wrote:Have him join the newspaper club because he wants to join it, not so he can spend time with Hanako.