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Even if I'd gone with the total destruction of the DVD, there would still be some emotional affects from the accident (which is what is on the DVD) which would still be present and the DVD was left in because it makes a return later on in the story.

On another note, I finally managed to finish off the third chapter which ended up with a substantial delay because the recent heatwave slowed my writing down.
I think I've gone beyond the bounds of reality on some parts of this chapter, and some of it might be a bit messed up.
Some of the scenes in this chapter are based on what happens in the game, but they've been heavily altered with only a few bits being close to or exactly the same as they are in the game.

Now for some explanations (and other things to clear up) before I paste the chapter in.

-I wasn't sure if they actually did tests that early in the school year, but I felt that it did add a bit to the story although a part of it was going to be heading for the bin and I decided to keep it in as it allowed me to go back to that part later on (and to have a little dig at Misha's academics or lack of in some areas).
-The club application form being left on the desk was something that came to my mind (and would likely not happen in real life along with what happened after classes ended).
-I did try to leave enough time for Lilly to get from her classroom to the tea room and be having a cup of tea by the time Ryo crashes into the room, and the scene (along with the scene in the library) would've happened before the same scenes in the game since there wasn't a game of risk to play (and I almost dropped a clanger by using the incorrect wording when Lilly first spoke).
-When Lilly said that she didn't expect Hanako to be there, it was more to do with her being at the counter at that time since I was going by the assumption that when Hanako goes to the library, she stays in her usual reading area until just before the library closes.
-I did have some problems sorting out the more proactive Hanako, but I did leave in some of her shyness in the form of a quieter voice and she is still her usual self around others.

There's two more things I have to say before the copy and paste fest (one is about this chapter and the other is about what's happening after this).

In speech sections (and only in speech sections), italics means what is being said is in English.
I had planned to skip directly to Sunday after this chapter, but I hadn't written this chapter at the time and since I've done this I'll be doing the Wednesday before jumping to Sunday (plus I'll be digging into the characters past again).

And now here's the next chapter.

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The Club Vultures Cometh

The generic beeping of an alarm clock breaks me out of my slumber.
Getting a new alarm clock with more then just beeping should be the first thing I do when the opportunity arises.
What I need to do right here and right now is to get something to eat and to prepare for whatever comes my way in class.
The former would be easy to do since my room is well stocked apart from the limited supply of milk which wouldn't last forever in the fridge, but the latter isn't that easy to prepare for completely since I can only get ready for the lessons and not for anything else that comes my way.
I decided on a simple and usual breakfast to keep from using and of the major supplies, and once I'd finished I started getting ready for the day, remembering to pack my glasses before I left my room.
The walk to the school building took me slightly longer then it took for me to get from the auxiliary building to the dormitories, but only because I was taking in the sights on my way since I'd managed to catch up on some of the sleep I'd missed out on.

All bar one of my classmates had arrived by the time I got to the classroom, but as I got to my desk, a single sheet of paper greeted me.
It was a club application form, almost filled in apart from a few parts, but the one thing I did notice that the application would've been for the newspaper club.
So... it looks like the vultures have started circling, but I thought that they would be targeting the first years and not a third year who just transferred in at the start of the first semester.
With my curiosity piqued, I decided to look around to figure out who had left this on my desk.
I could immediately rule out Shizune and Misha since Shizune is student council president and would most likely not have any time for any other activities, and Misha... probably works alongside her.
Since I didn't have any knowledge on what students are in which clubs, the only people I can think that put this here would be the ones that sit near me.
The desk to my left is empty which would likely rule her out, and the students sitting in front of me didn't seem to be paying that much attention to me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I did notice that the blonde haired girl sitting to my right did seem to be paying too much attention to what I was doing, and when I did look over in her direction, she turned her head to the right in an attempt to make me think that she's talking to the person who sits next to her.
It look like I might have my suspect in this matter, but since I didn't want to deal with this matter now, nor did I want to commit myself to any after school club activities, I stuffed the piece of paper onto the shelf under my desk just as the last student walks in, her arrival being unnoticed by the other students as she moved to her desk with the teacher following a few seconds afterwards.

The first period was English, which pleased me since it was something I could really sink my teeth into, but I was pulled most of the way back to earth when a stack of papers were being handed around the classroom, which turned out to be some kind of test.
I had to wonder who in their right mind would do a test on the second day of the new school year, but then the Japanese do have what could be called regular tests so I should at least adjust to this change.
When I got my first look at the sheet, what greeted me dragged me the rest of the way back to earth with a massive thud.
I'd heard that the Japanese didn't teach English the way native speakers knew how to speak it, but this is going to take everything I've got to try and not make a complete mess of this.
It looked like I wasn't the only one that was having problems with this, since most of the class seemed to be either chewing pens or scratching their heads.
I decided to get get on with the task in hand as I had either a good or slim chance to ace this test.
The time allocated for the test seemed to speed by, but I managed to answer all the questions with time to spare and I think that I managed to do well.
As I handed the sheet forwards, I wondered how I'd done, but that was answered once the teacher picked up the stack of test papers with mine on top.
"I know you're new here, mister Akemi", the teacher said "but you could at least do better on your tests, even though it is your native language".
It sounds like I didn't do that well, or maybe I failed really badly.
"I can't really change my understanding of my native language", I said forcing the poshest accent I could manage "it's like trying to carry snow from Hokkaido to Okinawa without using any form of cold storage. It's simply impossible".
That was probably the most idiotic thing I'd done so far, but it seemed to prove entertaining for some of the students as there was some chuckling when I'd finished talking.
One person who wasn't in that group was Shizune who looked at me with an ice cold stare, most likely after she'd gotten the translation from Misha.
I didn't have to deal with any recoil from the teacher as the bell signalling the next period rang.
Mutou walked in a minute or so later, and seemed to have started his lecture somewhere in the corridor.
There weren't any further surprises, or tests from then until the lunch bell rang.
My little sixth sense for detecting when people were looking at me wasn't tingling, but I decided to head to the cafeteria rather quickly to avoid any vultures from getting their talons into me.
I only got as far as the door to the classroom when a hand took hold of my shoulder, but it turned out to be Shizune and Misha.

"Were you planning on ignoring us again", Misha asked in a voice that was loud enough to shatter hurricane glass.
"I was trying to get out of the classroom unnoticed", I said "until someone opened their mouth".
"We were only wondering if you was doing something for lunch", Misha said.
"Then lets get moving", I said "I'm starting to feel uneasy standing here".
My sixth sense had started up, and most likely not because those that are looking at me are wondering if I'd be willing to join their club.
We only got a few meters outside the classroom before another question came.
"So~, where are you heading", Misha asked.
"The cafeteria", I said "it's the only place I know to go for food during lunch".
"That's kinda boring", Misha said "but~ it's your choice".
"What they offer there is better then some of the slop I've had to pour down my throat", I said.
There wasn't anything else said as we headed to the cafeteria, but once we'd sat down it looked like Shizune wanted to get something across.
"Wait just a second Shicchan", Misha said "I didn't say it like that".
"Something the matter", I asked.
"I think that I messed up", Misha said "Shicchan thought that you'd said something rude to the English teacher".
So that ice cold stare must have been due to a mistranslation from English, to Japanese to JSL.
To avert any further problems, I decided to write down what I'd said at the time and handed the pad over to Shizune.
After a sudden change in expression, Shizune wrote something on the pad and handed it back to me.

I should apologise since how I reacted was uncalled for.

Trying to clear things up, I turned the page on the pad and started writing again.

This isn't something you need to apologise for, since what was said got... lost in translation.

I added a roughly drawn picture of Misha beneath that with 'sucks at translating from English to Japanese to JSL' written underneath it, and I passed it over to Shizune making sure Misha didn't see the doodle.
After reading it, I wasn't sure if how Shizune was shaking meant anything although Misha seemed to be concerned about it.
"What did he say Shicchan", Misha asked.
Shizune seemed to dodge the question as she closed the notepad and handed it back to me, so I could put it back into my bag.
"What was written there Ricchan", Misha asked.
"Just that she shouldn't apologise for something that was lost in translation", I said.
"That wasn't everything", Misha said "there had to be a reason for Shicchan laughing".
"Was there anything else", I said "Shizune could've been laughing at the way I wrote it".
I wasn't sure if she'd buy it, but it looked like it did as she started eating whatever she'd gotten.
Once I got about halfway through what I was eating, I remember something that I was going to ask.
"Is it common practice in this school for clubs to leave half completed club application forms on your desk", I asked.
"Why'd you ask", Misha asked.
"Because the first thing that greeted me when I got to my desk was a half completed club application form", I said "and it had me applying for entry into the newspaper club".
A flurry of gestures went between the two before anything else was said.
"I don't think that's the policy in any school", Misha said "are you planning to join any clubs?"
"I'm still adjusting, so I'm leaving all other school activities on the back burner", I said "and I mean all of them".
"Awww, I thought that you would at least consider joining the student council", Misha said.
"I really meant all of them", I said "I'm still adjusting to everything here, since where I came from there's no such thing as student council in the schools and there weren't any form of afterschool club activities in the way they are here, plus I'd be in college if I had been able to stay in school over there".
I didn't want to go any further into that in case I ended up going into the accident and everything that happened afterwards that I didn't want to go into, so I went back to my food as a silent way of saying that the topic of discussion had ended.
The rest of lunch went in silence as we finished up what we're eating and headed back to class.

As the rest of the days lessons went on, I had to wonder if any of the other clubs would be asking if I would consider joining them.
The other thing that took me by surprise is that the girl who sits to my right was still here, but it didn't last for long as she walked out unnoticed by the rest of the class about half an hour before the final bell.
I didn't let it distract me too much as I continued writing down was had been written on the board.
A wave of relief went over me as the final bell chimed, but it went away while I was packing up as my well honed senses fired up again.
When I looked around, I could see that Shizune and Misha were 'talking' amongst themselves, but there were at least four, or five, or maybe even more pairs of eyes looking at me.
I just had to wonder if they'd pick at my one by one or would they come en mass, but I wanted to get out of the classroom while avoiding the vultures.
It was a good thing that the desk to my right is now unoccupied since with the most convenient way of getting out being clear of vultures, it gave me an opportunity to get out of the classroom.
As I got to the door, I could hear the sound of what I thought were footsteps behind me.
I knew that a few of my fellow classmates had already left and that I shouldn't be so jumpy, but as I turned my head as I opened the door, I could see at least two or three of the people that were looking at me were heading my way as well.
These kinds of thought should have no place in my head now, but when I turned around after leaving the classroom all bar one of the people I thought was looking at me started heading towards the door.
Maybe they're coming after me all at once, or maybe they're just leaving at the same time, but I did know that I should make myself scarce for the time being.
As I walked away, I thought I heard a few voices say the same thing, and it told me that I should speed up my departure, but I couldn't do anything beyond walking since anything more than that could risk the repair job in my right leg breaking down and the aforementioned leg turning into what could end up being a blood bomb if it was really bad, and just a pissing flow of blood if it wasn't.
There was only one thing I could do to make sure I could stay ahead of the crowd.

Special trick, hop-along Akemi.

Raising my right leg off the ground and using the handrail for support, I started hopping down the corridor.
It gave me some breathing space, as I heard what I thought was the door opening again when I got near the stairs.
I started bouncing down the stairs, but the voices started getting louder as I progressed downwards, so I decided to start skipping stairs out and I made it to the second floor.
There was no way that I could get out of the building with the progress I was making, so I started hopping down the corridor hoping to find a room to hide in until the crowd had gone past or at least lost track of where I was.
Every time I reached a junction, I hesitated for just a second before making the decision about which way to go.
It didn't seem to help as I could still hear the voices behind me, but it could just be echoes going down all the corridors.
All of it didn't seem to help as exhaustion started creeping down on me, but I managed to find salvation in a slightly open door.
I didn't hesitate in looking a gift horse in the mouth as I hopped towards the door, and opened it enough to slip through while still looking down the corridor.
Once I'd gotten into the room, I started closing the door just enough to make it look like it was closed while looking and listening for those that I thought were following me.
The voices finally faded away, and I leaned back on the wall while letting out a sigh of relief with my eyes closed.
"Good grief", I said "I didn't think they would go this far to sign me up for whatever club they're in".
"My, my", an unfamiliar voice said "it sounds like they're pretty eager to get new members this year".
I opened my eyes after that was said, and found that I hadn't been alone in this room.
The other person in the room looked to be more foreign then I was with her blonde hair and her facial features.
One thing I couldn't gauge were the colour of her eyes since they're closed, but the lack of any kind of accent in her voice almost confirmed that she is half-Japanese and that she has most likely lived in this country for a majority of her life, unlike me who has a very noticeable accent and had to take a crash course in Japanese.
"I'm sorry", I said mentally switching back to Japanese "I didn't know there was anyone in here".
"That's perfectly all right", the girl said "you wouldn't have known that there was anyone in here from the way I heard you come in".
All through that brief initial conversation the girl never turned her head, but she did open her eyes to reveal that they are a cloudy blue which could be an indicator that she's at least totally blind, at least because they're cloudy and not because they're blue.
"Care to take a seat", the girl asked.
That has been clearly unexpected since I'd intruded on her, but I muttered something under my breath as got used to having my dead right foot back on the ground.
I slowly made my way to the seat that was on the other side of the table, and once I'd sat down, I took the time to check my right leg in case my hopping around had done anything.
Everything felt all right with no differences detected, so I pulled the trouser leg back down and returned my focus back to the other person in the room.
"I take it that you just transferred in", the girl asked.
"I started here yesterday", I said "I didn't expect that I'd get such an overly warm welcome".
"That to be expected since it's the start of the school year", the girl said "I'm Lilly Satou. It's a pleasure to meet you".
I let out what could only be referred to as a gasp of surprise after Lilly had introduced herself, and she did seem to be startled when I let out that gasp.
"Did I say something strange", Lilly asked.
"You didn't", I said "it's just that there was a business card in my room with the same last name on it".
"That must be why Akira visited on Saturday", Lilly said "she did say that she'd come to drop some stuff off, but I didn't think it would be something like that".
"Considering my circumstances, it would be expected", I said "but it might because of your families help that brought me here".
That was at least partly true, since an out of the blue phone call to those that were in charge of what could be call my life from a company in Scotland offering their assistance in getting me out of the hell that I was in started everything up, but I never really knew who the person that ran the company was although I think that person did share the same last name as Lilly and her mainly unknown sister.
I should also remember to not say the first thing that comes to my mind, since it might end up with me looking really stupid.
"If it was then it would be surprising that they would help someone out in this fashion", Lilly said.
"Maybe it was something that had happened that made them act in this way", I said as I remembered that I'd forgotten to introduce myself "oh and I'm Ryo Akemi".
"Would you care for a drink", Lilly asked as she gestured roughly in the direction of the teacup that was in front of her.
"Sure", I said as I was still a bit surprised by the sudden change in the subject.

Without any further words, Lilly gets out of her chair and heads over to one area of the room where a collection of supplies had been laid out.
She must have gone through this process hundreds of times in the past, including using her finger as a handy measuring tool even though that would primarily be because of her... condition.
"I didn't think that there'd be any other foreign students here", Lilly said.
"Does my accent stand out that much", I asked "I can guess that you've lived in Japan for at least most of your life?"
"It does stand out, although I did think that you would have a foreign name", Lilly said "and I have lived in Japan for all of my life, even though my mother is foreign but we did use Japanese around the house as well as knowing about our foreign side".
"It was my father who was the foreigner in the family", I said "I wasn't taught Japanese and only started learning... recently".
That last bit darkened the atmosphere a little as Lilly finished making the tea and placed the cup on the desk.
The tea was completely different to what I'd had before, but it might be that Lilly has a better knowledge of tea then I have.
Once the teacup was empty, I wondered what I should do now but it seems that Lilly managed to bring up a good idea.
"I should get going", Lilly said "there's something I have to sort out in the library".
"It might be good if I head that way as well", I said "since I need to get more familiar with the school building".
"Are you sure", Lilly asked "there must be other thing that you have to do".
"There isn't anything else that I have to do", I said "and I can't miss out on a golden opportunity to look around the library".
It really is a golden opportunity, and it means that I won't have to depend on my phone this time.
I placed the cups back where they were while Lilly prepared for our departure.
The walk to the library was slower then I was used to, but I wasn't going to complain since it was better than going too quickly.
I had expected the library to be on one side of this floor, but it ended up to be right in the centre of the floor.
The library is bigger then any of the other school libraries I'd been in which are likely more than half the size of this one.
Lilly walks over to the counter to talk to the person behind the counter as I continued to look around, but my analysis of the library is disrupted by a voice calling out.
"Lilly", an unfamiliar voice call out through the silence of the library.
I tried to find the source of the voice, but as soon as I noticed a familiar darked haired girl heading towards Lilly, I immediately started looking at the floor.
"Hanako", Lilly said with what sounded like a bit of surprise in her voice "I didn't expect that you'd be here".
This isn't something I wanted to deal with now, so I thought that I should try and sneak away.
There is this little trick I've used to get out of the way of those I didn't want to see me, but this isn't the usual situation I've used it in although with one of the three people in the area not being able to see, I should have a slight chance of sneaking away and blending in with the bookshelves.
After several dozen precision footsteps along with ducking down below the bookshelves, I managed to get clear of the counter without being noticed.
It didn't last long as I heard footsteps coming up behind me as I continued walking, and I was stopped in my tracks when whoever it was grabbed my left arm.
As I turn my head to see who has a hold of my arm, but as I got my first look at the person, my eyes instantly went to the floor again.
The brief flash of dark hair I saw told me that it must be Hanako, since she's the only one that could catch up to me.
"Is something the matter", Hanako asked "you looked to be a bit uneasy".
"I'm fine", I said "it's probably just first day, or first week nerves".
I wasn't really sure what she was asking about, so I stupidly responded with the first thing that came to my mind.
"Is everything okay over here", Lilly asked.
I looked up to find Lilly had made her way over while still keeping her composure, if she'd lost some of it to begin with.
"It's okay", I said "I think someone was just a bit concerned".
Note to self: stop saying the first thing that comes to mind as it might backfire.
There wasn't any complaint from the other party, but there was a bit more concern when I started yawning.
"Have you been getting enough sleep", Lilly asked.
"I have missed out on a few days sleep", I said "and I'm catching up on what I've missed a few hours each night".
"Then I shouldn't keep you from your bed", Lilly said "although you might want to eat something first".
"That's the plan", I said "since I don't want to wake up during the night with the sound of my grumbling stomach echoing through my room".
As Lilly chuckled slightly from what I'd said, I felt my left arm fall back to my side which told my that Hanako had stopped holding onto it.
I took that opportunity to head back to my room, but I got around halfway to the stairs before I heard the sound of footsteps running in my direction.
Thinking that it was one of the people who I think came after me, I prepared to start my hopping routine, but the footsteps changed from running to walking and whoever it was decided to speak.
"Hanako", the person said "that's my name".
So she decided to follow me, but it's likely that she wanted to talk.
"I think that I already got that part", I said.
Well Lilly did mention it when she appeared in the library.
"Aren't you going to the cafeteria", Hanako asked when we started heading out of the school building.
"I've got enough stuff in my room", I said "so I don't need to go to the cafeteria".
"I didn't think that you'd be that well prepared on your second day here", Hanako said.
"Everything was sorted out a few days before I got here", I said "so I didn't have to do much except for planning to get a decent alarm clock since my current one doesn't sound too motivating".
The last part earned me a small chuckle, at least I think it was since Hanako seems to have a rather quiet voice.
"I can't say that getting here was a walk in the park", I said "it... took around two years to get to the... right level for the transfer to take place".
"It must have been hard", Hanako said "doing all that just to leave your home".
"It... wasn't all that bad", I said "there were... some other reasons... why I came here".
I suddenly came to a stop where the path splits off in the direction of the two dormitories.
"I guess... this is where we part ways", I said.
I wasn't sure if I heard anything else except for the sound of Hanako walking away, so I just headed for my room.

Once I closed the door to my room, I removed my uniform, got changed into the casual clothes I wore yesterday and dug out something to eat.
Today had been a bit a little less madder then yesterday, that is if you don't count the chaos of what happened after classes were done for the day.
One thing that did throw me through a loop was my opinion of Hanako, since she was more talkative then I thought she would be.
It told me that I shouldn't judge someone from their reactions, but it might be that it was how I reacted around her.
When I'd finished eating, I decided to forgo putting anything away for changing into my pyjamas, setting my less then motivating alarm clock and heading for bed.

Hopefully tomorrow would be better then today was.

Who is that person who calls herself Hanako, and what have you done to the real one?

A lot of typos and a few grammar issues again...

And I don't think a native english speaker would have any problems with an English test. Even if the Japanese teaching methods are... suboptimal, the language itself doesn't change.

demonix wrote: Now for some explanations (and other things to clear up) before I paste the chapter in.

Don't explain things like this before hand. It ruins the surprises by telling people what's going to be in the story before they read it. Also, nine times out of ten, people aren't going to questions things like this anyway.

I'd suggest just writing your story and waiting for somebody to call you on these things before offering some explanation.

Also, I could buy into Mutou giving a test right off the bat like that, but I have no reason to believe anybody else would and it does affect the story a tad. Maybe if the teacher had announced after it was over that it was simply a practice test to gauge the classes knowledge. I've had a few teachers that did stuff like that.

The "hop-along Akemi" bit was rather funny, but it sticks out a bit in an otherwise serious piece. Between that and the library, your character seems awfully paranoid about having to talk with people. The guy could give Hanako lessons on being uncomfortable in crowds. ... In fact, she needs it. She's completley out of character here. She wasn't this comfortable around Hisao or Lilly even after knowing them for quite some time. In fact, I don't think she was that talkative and open with Hisao even in his good end.

Come to think about it, he does start trailing off a lot when talking with Hanako... Oh my god! He's stealing Hanako's personality!

Mirage_GSM wrote:Who is that person who calls herself Hanako, and what have you done to the real one?

A lot of typos and a few grammar issues again...

And I don't think a native english speaker would have any problems with an English test. Even if the Japanese teaching methods are... suboptimal, the language itself doesn't change.

It is the real Hanako, she just acts differently around the main character (the full explanation will come later on in the story).

I fixed a few spelling errors before I posted it, but finding the remaining errors will be a pain if they aren't obvious.

Hisao did say in Lilly's route that English tests are insane even for native speakers, plus there was this little bit of information I got a while ago about how differently English is taught in Japan.

Oddball wrote:

demonix wrote: Now for some explanations (and other things to clear up) before I paste the chapter in.

Don't explain things like this before hand. It ruins the surprises by telling people what's going to be in the story before they read it. Also, nine times out of ten, people aren't going to questions things like this anyway.

I'd suggest just writing your story and waiting for somebody to call you on these things before offering some explanation.

Also, I could buy into Mutou giving a test right off the bat like that, but I have no reason to believe anybody else would and it does affect the story a tad. Maybe if the teacher had announced after it was over that it was simply a practice test to gauge the classes knowledge. I've had a few teachers that did stuff like that.

The "hop-along Akemi" bit was rather funny, but it sticks out a bit in an otherwise serious piece. Between that and the library, your character seems awfully paranoid about having to talk with people. The guy could give Hanako lessons on being uncomfortable in crowds. ... In fact, she needs it. She's completley out of character here. She wasn't this comfortable around Hisao or Lilly even after knowing them for quite some time. In fact, I don't think she was that talkative and open with Hisao even in his good end.

Come to think about it, he does start trailing off a lot when talking with Hanako... Oh my god! He's stealing Hanako's personality!

I wanted to get the major explanations over and done with without being bombarded with several questions about the chapter (with my writing time being a bit precious I wanted to avoid having to answer too many questions when I'm writing my stories).

The test I did pull out of the blue to add a bit to the story.

He is a bit paranoid considering what had happened to him between the accident and starting on the work that would allow him to start at Yamaku, plus he didn't want to deal with the clubs until he'd settled in hence the uneasiness.

As I've already said (and excuse me for being a broken record on this) Hanako is still her usual self (I tried to make that clear by her actions in chapters two and three), but she changes when their together, mainly when their alone or at least when there's people around (at least if their not able to see them) that she's more comfortable with (again a full explanation about this will come during the story).

He only started trailing off near the end of the conversation, and only because some of it was hitting close to home (mainly because of the accident) also he does trail off when talking to Lilly once (again it was related to the accident).

Demonix, you're not a bad writer but you really need to learn how to actually accept criticism and learn how to use it to improve your work rather than insist that you're not doing anything wrong and that anybody who finds a problem in your works is just mistaken.

As I've already said (and excuse me for being a broken record on this) Hanako is still her usual self (I tried to make that clear by her actions in chapters two and three), but she changes when their together, mainly when their alone or at least when there's people around (at least if their not able to see them) that she's more comfortable with (again a full explanation about this will come during the story).

No. She's not her usual self. You can try to justify it as her acting differently around one person, but it's unbelievable. Dr. Jekyll doesn't go though a personality change that extreme.

Since it seems that you're saying that I've completely messed around with Hanako's personality, I'll prove that I'm correct in the fact that I've done little to that by quoting parts that do show the original elements of her personality.

The rest of the days lessons go on without any problems, but the desk to my left remained empty the whole time.

I stuffed the piece of paper onto the shelf under my desk just as the last student walks in, her arrival being unnoticed by the other students as she moved to her desk with the teacher following a few seconds afterwards.

It was a good thing that the desk to my right is now unoccupied since with the most convenient way of getting out being clear of vultures

Those are clearly original parts of Hanako's personality (not turning up to class, turning up to class at the start of the day just before or just after the bell and leaving the classroom during lessons) also...

The last part earned me a small chuckle, at least I think it was since Hanako seems to have a rather quiet voice.

If memory serves She does have a quiet voice in the game, so apart from being able to talk without her usual stutter and being the more proactive one with regards to talking, she's pretty much the same person.
Also I didn't commit much to the flow of time in that conversation as at least ten or more minutes passed between the first part and when they parted company near the dormitories, so there wasn't that much in the way of conversation.
And since Hanako was walking behind Ryo, there was no way to judge her expressions during that conversation.

You'll just have to trust my judgement on this as it won't be completely the norm, and there will be times that Hanako's 'courage' fails her when they're alone (it's something I just thought up, and would probably be the best way to make it look like she's digging onto what little courage that she has with it failing her at some points).

Now I'm going to get back to my writing, as long as this headache doesn't stop me from getting into the next chapter.

demonix wrote:It is the real Hanako, she just acts differently around the main character (the full explanation will come later on in the story).

You better have a VERY good explanation for her behaviour - maybe she is on drugs?
This is the first time Hanako and your OC even meet (discounting his self introduction in class, where they don't even interact.)
As soon as he sees her, he immediately looks to the floor and tries to slink away, which should make Hanako even more apprehensive. ("Am I so ugly, that he doesn't want to be around me?") Instead she goes after him and grabs his arm! Then she talks without a stutter like she's known him for her entire life.
If she's on drugs whoever invented them will be up for a nobel prize.

demonix wrote:Hisao did say in Lilly's route that English tests are insane even for native speakers, plus there was this little bit of information I got a while ago about how differently English is taught in Japan.

Regardless of how a language is taught the end result is still the same language. There may be some slight differences between AE and BE spellings, and I have no idea which are taught in Japan, but that's nothing that should faze a native speaker of either variant of English. (especially one as intelligent as you made your OC to be)
Hisao's comment in Lilly's route is a typical case of unreliable narrator. Hisao is not good in that subject, so how could he judge that? Besides if the English tests really were that difficult, the whole class would fail by default.

demonix wrote:Even though I did take some material from the game a majority of the scripting was heavily modified to try to keep the originality quota up (although there'll be some parts in the next chapter that come from the game but will be modified so that only the encounters and a small part of the script come from the game).

Broken record, but I have based his vision abilities on my own and I only use my glasses when I'm on either of my computers or playing games (on TV not on portable systems) and I don't use them when I'm out and about, so he decided to have his glasses sent with the rest of his stuff since he planned on getting to Yamaku before classes started, but because of the time taken from getting off the plane and reaching arrivals he couldn't collect his glasses from his room.

You have to remember that he hadn't had much sleep, so he might come across as a bit cranky were in this case it would count as he was concentrating on eating when his ears were assaulted by Misha's voice (and Shizune did consider that his response wasn't meant to come out that way which is why she decided to let it slide).

The addition to his shirts was his decision to make things a bit easier (and a glove could cause sweating in warmer weather), but it'll be discarded later on and as I said in my second story I suck at indicating vocal changes so his voice could've changed and you'd never know.

I'm keeping his past under wraps for the time being although some elements will come out over time although one small piece has already come to light (what do you think the DVD he put away contains) and there's still the reason why his mother left Japan along with why he was never taught Japanese (a little sample of why is in chapter two while the truth will come in a few chapters time).

When I get an idea for a new story, I normally have the main character down along with some parts of the story (normally some of the beginning along with a latter part of the story) but I think I might have put in a character fault without knowing it (it should show in the next chapter) and it should end somewhat in a failure.

I really don't want it to seem like we're ganging up on you here, and I'm not trying to be rude. But this is exactly what Oddball is talking about, you continually refuse to accept criticism and wave it off as all being part of some master plan. You're not a bad writer, Demonix, you make mistakes but so does everyone else, we all do. But you are not going to improve if you insist that every mistake is actually completely deliberate and we just don't understand. The fact of the matter is that the way you've portrayed Hanako is incredibly out of character, and there's really almost nothing you can do further down the line in the story to change that. There comes a point where a writer must admit that they made a mistake, and either go back and fix it, or vow to do better next time and continue on. You have done none of these.

One other thing I've wanted to add for a while, and again, I'm not trying to be rude. But you need to ween yourself off the habit of having a list of things to explain for each chapter, whether it's before or after. Not only does it spoil some details of the story, but ideally, the only questions that your reader should have after reading a chapter are questions that you want them to be asking, like where the plot is going to go next. They should only be asking why something happened if it's clear that you're going to explain this within the text, not outside of it. While being on a forum like this gives the author the opportunity to react to readers and respond to any questions that they have, almost all the things that you point out should be evident within the text, they shouldn't need to be explained, and a professional author doesn't have the luxury of doing so. While this isn't "the big leagues", per say, it's still a standard that everyone should aspire to reach one day, which is why I think your continued reliance on explaining small, obtuse details of your chapters makes you look weaker as a writer, and it hurts the story overall.

Mirage_GSM wrote:You better have a VERY good explanation for her behaviour - maybe she is on drugs?
This is the first time Hanako and your OC even meet (discounting his self introduction in class, where they don't even interact.)
As soon as he sees her, he immediately looks to the floor and tries to slink away, which should make Hanako even more apprehensive. ("Am I so ugly, that he doesn't want to be around me?") Instead she goes after him and grabs his arm! Then she talks without a stutter like she's known him for her entire life.
If she's on drugs whoever invented them will be up for a nobel prize.

Maybe you should go back to the first chapter of lost memories since she does exactly the same thing without any concrete proof that they had some kind of past connection (and she was doing it there in full view of everyone in the classroom), and then goes back to her usual self when Lilly enters the classroom only to have another dose of confidence a little while later.
The not looking at her is more that he doesn't know how to react around Hanako in case looking at her could cause problems, but there's a bit of a grey area in if she noticed the first instance and her thought processes during the second instance after she'd grabbed his arm (it could be that the dose of confidence overrode her usual thought processes or that she had considered that this might happen, but I'm not going to go any further into that since I wasn't that sure about it myself), and her talking without stuttering mainly on the walk along with her being more proactive about being the one to start a conversation was done partly to disprove his opinion of Hanako (that bit isn't a mistake that I'm making look like was part of the master plan, it is part of the master plan).

I didn't really go too much into intelligence (even though he did manage to master Japanese in what might be less time anyone else would master it, although he does use what could be an unscientific reason for how he managed to do that) and there was no mention of score so he puts it into his own mind that he either failed or failed badly (schools in Japan teach American English if my memory on that is correct).

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When I start a story, I only have the main character and some parts of the story in my mind with the rest coming as I write so there are times that I have to think things over or go back to earlier chapters to see if there is a way to explain it.
Also I'll have to make it clear that you're (as well as everyone else who has commented on this) making a mountain out of a molehill with regards to Hanako being out of character since I did it before and didn't get any complaints, but in that instance there was more spoken dialogue when I posted the first chapter since there was enough to make that opinion that the change was minor and not major (and I hadn't thought that much beyond that for that part so I'd still be thinking about how to progress things) plus as I said before there are plenty of grey areas in that part where there isn't much information as to what is actually happening (and just to make it clear again the Hanako talking normally part is part of the master plan).

As I said to Oddball, I only started putting in the explanations because I got fed up with answering questions that were keeping me away from writing (although I could stick them in spoiler tags to avoid anything being spoilt).

I'd also like to add that it took me at least three quarters of an hour to sort this out which means that I've now got to put back the work I was planning to do on the third chapter of lost memories until tomorrow (or at least once I've finished with all of my evening online stuff today since it's now gone quarter past one in the morning) and will now hold back work on this story even more since there's a chance that I won't be able to get any writing in on Wednesday since I've got to be up early the day after.

The not looking at her is more that he doesn't know how to react around Hanako in case looking at her could cause problems,...

...and that is exactly what would usually set off her apprehensions.

You know, it's okay to write a character with an alternate personality. I did write an alternate personality Hisao once just for fun, and kosher wrote some great stories with completely turned around characters. ("Madam Lillian", anyone?)
Just don't pretend they're normal, and nobody will complain.

Hey Demonix, this is great, except that I found Hanako acted quite odd although many people have said this and you have said there is a reason so i will wait patiently.
So two questions.
1. When can we expect more and 2. Does this mean you have abandoned "Facing my pains" Because I really like that story and it would be a shame for you to not Finnish it.

captan wrote:Hey Demonix, this is great, except that I found Hanako acted quite odd although many people have said this and you have said there is a reason so i will wait patiently.
So two questions.
1. When can we expect more and 2. Does this mean you have abandoned "Facing my pains" Because I really like that story and it would be a shame for you to not Finnish it.

I didn't really think that there would be this kind of reaction on a short section of speech, but there's still a bit to figure out (including how I'll be handling those changes in how Hanako reacts although some of the latter parts and a major part of the plot have already been committed to memory).
And to answer your questions.

1. Depending on how long it takes, an update should be up by next week but if I can't make any progress on lost memories then I'll be committing more writing time to this story so it might be updated sooner.
2. Facing my pains is my only daytime project (this one along with lost memories are evening projects), so it hasn't been abandoned since I'm working to get a few chapters done before I post them (the recent hot weather had slowed down my writing on all my projects).

One more time, let me stress that I'm not trying to be rude or argumentative, it's just hard to gauge tone over the internet.

demonix wrote:The not looking at her is more that he doesn't know how to react around Hanako in case looking at her could cause problems, but there's a bit of a grey area in if she noticed the first instance and her thought processes during the second instance after she'd grabbed his arm (it could be that the dose of confidence overrode her usual thought processes or that she had considered that this might happen, but I'm not going to go any further into that since I wasn't that sure about it myself)

So even you don't know why it happened, and now you're looking for a reason for it? That doesn't make sense.

and her talking without stuttering mainly on the walk along with her being more proactive about being the one to start a conversation was done partly to disprove his opinion of Hanako (that bit isn't a mistake that I'm making look like was part of the master plan, it is part of the master plan).

So Hanako took more initiate the fist time meeting your MC than she did in the few months knowing Hisao. Either she's out of character, or your MC is Jesus, something we've already talked about in your other thread.

When I start a story, I only have the main character and some parts of the story in my mind with the rest coming as I write so there are times that I have to think things over or go back to earlier chapters to see if there is a way to explain it.

It's okay, and even fun, to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes, but it's also important to plan ahead for things and make sure you have a reason for things, otherwise you can write yourself into a corner. I speak from experience.

Also I'll have to make it clear that you're (as well as everyone else who has commented on this) making a mountain out of a molehill with regards to Hanako being out of character since I did it before and didn't get any complaints

Just because there was no one to point out a mistake in the past, that doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake.

As I said to Oddball, I only started putting in the explanations because I got fed up with answering questions that were keeping me away from writing (although I could stick them in spoiler tags to avoid anything being spoilt).

That's missing my point entirely, which is that people shouldn't have to be asking those questions, they are things that they should know just from reading your story.

I'd also like to add that it took me at least three quarters of an hour to sort this out which means that I've now got to put back the work I was planning to do on the third chapter of lost memories until tomorrow (or at least once I've finished with all of my evening online stuff today since it's now gone quarter past one in the morning) and will now hold back work on this story even more since there's a chance that I won't be able to get any writing in on Wednesday since I've got to be up early the day after.

I wasn't trying to keep you from your writing, I was only trying to help you improve.

Scissorlips wrote:So even you don't know why it happened, and now you're looking for a reason for it? That doesn't make sense.

I always feel that there's a logical reason for everything that I write even if it wasn't planned and I just have to figure out why, or if it was related to something I'd already written.

So Hanako took more initiate the fist time meeting your MC than she did in the few months knowing Hisao. Either she's out of character, or your MC is Jesus, something we've already talked about in your other thread.

Lets not go down that route this early in the story since there's still a lot to come.

It's okay, and even fun, to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes, but it's also important to plan ahead for things and make sure you have a reason for things, otherwise you can write yourself into a corner. I speak from experience.

There are times where an idea comes to me for how to progress things in the story before I get to a certain point (I just start with enough material to get me started along with something that would become a major part of the story), so it might be unlikely that I'd write myself into a corner (I've even thought about ideas for other stories that I could start writing over the past few days).

Just because there was no one to point out a mistake in the past, that doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake.

The only reason it wasn't pointed out was because it was subtle and didn't show up at the second contact scene (she stammers in the library and then talks normally until Lilly enters the room), which is why I made that mountain out of a molehill analogy since you're only basing it on what would be a small part of the whole story.

That's missing my point entirely, which is that people shouldn't have to be asking those questions, they are things that they should know just from reading your story.

It allows to at least explain some of what I know is behind the writing (or as what will likely be happening in the next chapter some authors notes)

I wasn't trying to keep you from your writing, I was only trying to help you improve.

And I am improving if what Mirage was saying is correct.

And I am improving if what Mirage was saying is correct.

Oh yes, your writing stly has improved considerably. Your first story here had run-on sentnces that went on for up to ten lines. You managed to curb that habit nicely.