Katawa Shoujo Forums

Alright, I've been gone from the Katawa Shoujo forums for a few days, I don't suspect anyone has missed me since I am still fairly new.

I wrote some reasoning and analysing for what I've done since the last post, but let's face it: It's irrellevant.

I replayed Rin's storyline from beginning to end and discovered just how many inconsistencies I've made - trust me, I've made more than all of you mentioned put together, multiplied by two or three. They are due to be fixed. In fact I'm probably gonna delay chapter two despite being almost finished (and has been so since my last post) until I'm satisfied with chapter 1 again.

Oh well, unto actual criticism, no wait something else: Someone care to explain to my why there are a couple of posts complaining about catpeople?
Best guess? Catgirl Kleptocracy's first post had pictures of catpeople in them and someone complained, I'd probably have done the same.

And while they do have potatoes here, it is pretty uncommon to find them on the menu in restaurants.

I merely wanted a cause for Hisao to have a scar on his finger, and the best cause I could think off the top of my head was 'peeling potatoes'. Irrellevant detail anyway.

and a few minor grammar hiccups, I like it. Keep up the good work!

(I decided to remove the first bit because I actually agree whole heartedly now), my terrible grammar I won't defend, I know it is terrible sometimes, which is one of the reasons I keep writing. Thanks for the compliment though, actually that goes for any compliment I haven't commented on before that.

As for Catgirl Kleptocracy's second post, your main issue seems to be wordiness. I'll look into that too. I want my chapters to have a length similar to those in a published novel, BUT Chapter 1 - and unpublished Chapter 2 - are both 5-6 pages in Word, doesn't sound to bad until you realise that a typical novel page is closer to A5 and that would make the chapter length 10-12 pages, which is far too much.

Ironically that above paragraph even gives me a vibe of wordiness, but I'll look into it and shorten the chapters too, which probably means a whole lot of re-writing.

EDIT: Thanks for your opinion on including the anecdote from Hisao's grandfather. I try to fill out the gaps that Katawa Shoujo has left me the best I can, I may make mistake eventually but try to keep everything so that it fits in the official canon.

On a side note that no one cares about: It IS possible for Students to stay at Yamaku Academy over the summer.

To clarify, when I was talking about wordiness I wasn't talking about chapter length. Chapter breaks are entirely discretionary--they can be as long or short as you want them to be. Think of a chapter break as arbitrary. It's simply a point where you put in a break for a little bit. It has little to no bearing on the story. Make your chapters as long or short as you want them. It won't hurt the story one bit.

The 'wordiness' I was talking about was within the writing itself, not the length of the post as a whole. I mean that individual sentences and paragraphs feel wordy. The two things I noted that you would want to look out for are run-on sentences and repetition. For the run-on sentences, simply break up long sentences that are filled with commas into several shorter sentences. For example:

Eventually I fall asleep again, this time my dream seems to have been inspired by my grandfather's stories, I picture myself as a soldier.

This might work better as two (or even three) sentences as far as pacing goes. Right now it seems to have three separate ideas in it. 1) He falls asleep; 2) his dream is inspired by his grandfather; 3) He's dreaming he's a soldier.

Each idea could be its own separate sentence: "Eventually I fall asleep again. This time, my dream seems to have been inspired by my grandfather's stories. I picture myself as a solder."

Or, you could put two of the ideas together and make a third its own sentence: "Eventually I fall asleep again, and this time my dream seems to have been inspired by my grandfather's stories. I picture myself as a soldier."

That's just an example. Make sure that you continue writing in your own voice. However, keep an eye out for run-on sentences. When you place a comma, always double check to make sure it shouldn't be a period instead. Grammar is tough! Wordiness is actually one of my flaws as well. Just keep practicing. As I said, I'm really enjoying this story, and I can't wait to see more of it. Also, good on you for delaying your chapter for edits. I personally didn't see anything wrong as far as inconsistency with canon, but that might also be because I never played Rin's route. However, editing is even more important than the writing through itself. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in making everything perfect and consistant that you never put out new stuff Kudos.

Don't worry, I'm trying to sort out the wordiness, might take a while to perfect it. The shorter chapters are merely a biproduct of it.

Catgirl Kleptocracy wrote:but that might also be because I never played Rin's route.

Proceed with caution then, I won't spoiler all references to things that happens in Rin's route. In fact that goes for any route I may end up covering.

Catgirl Kleptocracy wrote:However, editing is even more important than the writing through itself. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in making everything perfect and consistant that you never put out new stuff Kudos.

There are two easy steps to make sure that just about anyone won't stop doing what they are doing:
1. Give them a steady supply of feedback.
and
2. Make sure the positive feedback is noticable.

It's as simple as the bio-chemical wiring in our brains... and I need to shut up now, I know almost nothing about either biology or chemistry.

Chapter 2

Everyone's attention is turned to the nurse, my own eyes affixed upon his hands placing a stethoscope on her chest.

Suddenly the nurse stands up and looks around.

“Nothing wrong, she is just overtired and needs a few days to relax. I understand she had a special excuse to perform an exhibition out in town, unfortunately I can not let her begin her vacation studies right away. She needs to get away a bit, away from the school. I'll write a report to the principal explaining it.”

The crowd lets out a sigh, I take a few seconds to digest the information before I understands exactly what the nurse has said. My reaction is the same as the crowed.

“More interestingly though, why is Tezuka in your bed Nakai?” a question, followed by a look from the nurse, which mostly reminded me of a fox that just won a lifetime's supply of chicken.

“We,” I try to calm down, what is this all about? “We were on the hill not so far from the school, she collapsed and I carried her here.”
“And you managed that perfectly well, despite your condition?”

A murmur is heard amongst the crowd, I remember that none of them probably knows that I have arrhythmia.

“No sire, I had to make a few pauses on the way down.”
The nurse nodded, “Nakai, though Tezuka is below normal weight, you might have put your heart through more pressure than recommendable. I'm going to ask you to remove your shirt so I can listen to your heart.”

Almost instinctively I was about to unbutton my shirt, when I remembered I had spectators. I hesitated for a second.

“Something wrong Nakai?” The nurse questioned me.
“I just haven't... I don't know if I can let people know yet.”

The nurse put his left index and middle finger on his forehead.

“Nakai, you are lucky you have a condition which most people can't see when you wear a shirt. But there is no need to be secretive about it, when most students are here because one reason or another. I'm sure most people would tell you whats the matter with them if you ask, it's only a problem if you make it one.”

“Yes but...” I wanted to argue back, but the nurse look like his patience was over. With a sigh of resignation I slowly unbuttoned my shirt.

A slight 'Oooooh' is heard from the crowd except for a “What is it?” presumably from a blind student. Someone else explained that my chest was covered in scars.

Sitting bare chested while people could see it is weird. I had only just become used to the idea that Rin had seen them, and now a good dozen of students saw it. I decide not to say anything else.

Somewhere in the back of the crowd a voice is heard “You owe me, I told you it weren't trouble in his pants.” and I think back on what Rin said shortly after I met her.

My thoughts wander for a bit: Perhaps it is more normal to discuss what is wrong with people, than I thought? The longer I thinking about it, the more I realise I don't know what is wrong with most people.

The cold stethoscope is placed upon my chest, a few minutes passes and most of the audience has left. Though except for a few people, though they too appear to be leaving.
The most exciting part of the show is apparently over.

“Hmmm,” the nurse is quiet “It seems you might have overworked your heart. But unlike what I would have expected to happen, it seems that you didn't suffer from a second heart attack. Your heart seems stronger than I expected.”

The nurse packs away the stethoscope, and I began putting my shirt back on. Was I really at that great risk of a heart attack? Would I have died if I hadn't been taking breaks? I feel an irregular heartbeat.

The nurse still hasn't left, in fact he looks at me expectantly. I invite him to take a seat. The nurse empties a pile of books off the chair and onto the floor, ironically the very same pile I had pushed off the table ten minutes earlier.

“Nakai, since Tezuka is sleeping in your bed, I need you to relay the following to her as soon as possible. You might want to write it down.”

I grab my pencil case and a note book.

“As far as comes to extracurricular activities I have nothing to say, but when it comes to medical excuses I'm in charge so the staff of the school can shut it.”

The nurse blinks for a second.

“Actually don't write that down, might get me fired. Anyway, I'm going to write a medical report telling the principal and staff that Tezuka is not fit for her summer school yet. I can probably postpone it two weeks, but no more than that.”
I write it all down, except for the bit he requested me to leave out. I don't have any plans to get the nurse fired if he is going to cut Rin some slack.

“Tell Tezuka that by tomorrow afternoon, I'll have official confirmation that her summer schooling has been postponed. Before that she shouldn't leave the school unless there is an emergency.”

Nurse is quiet for a second.

“Do you know if Emi has left yet Nakai?” I notice that nurse use Emi's first name. I find it weird but decide it was probably a slip up.

“Yeah, I think she has, at least that was what Tezuka told me.” I'm unsure if it would be proper to use Rin's first name, so I decide not to.

“Hmmm,” Nurse looks out my windows “Nice view by the way.”
“You think?”
“Yeah, anyway, Nakai, could you do me a favour?” Well that probably depends what you want me to do?
“Depends, on what it is.”
“Since Emi usually helps Tezuka around, but she is not here, would you mind taking her place – unless Tezuka objects herself.”
“Sure.”
“Thanks, anyway, something else,” Nurse looks thoughtfully out my window again, I think he was lying when he told me he liked the view, I never really thought much about it. “Nakai, I might be pushing my luck if I ask the school to pay for Tezuka's travelling expenses, but could you tell her to come down to my office once she is back and we will look into it.”

Once more I assure the nurse, that I'll pass on everything he has said and that I'll take care of Rin. Finally he leaves saying something about that it calls for something strong and black. I'm not sure what he meant but decides to let it be.

I decide to sit down in the empty chair and move the pile of books back onto the table, thus marking some complete cycle.

With the silence from Rin's sleeping, I grab a book. Just a random one. I seem to remember it though, something about some guys drinking beer non stop. I turn the pages, it is considerably faster than the first time I read it, but still not the biggest revelation within literature that I've ever read. I snooze off and begin to dream.

[CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 3]

Chapter 3

Kenji and I are sitting in an apartment, sparsely furnished, we are drinking beers and talking, sometimes smoking.
Talking about women, life, politics, the pointlessness of everything. Kenji is not the usual Kenji I know. While he does have some weird input in our conversation, like answering my question about the meaning of life with the cryptic answer of “forty-two”, he seems strangely wise.

Someone knocks on the door, and opens without waiting for an answer from Kenji. As I'm unsure whom's apartment we are sitting in I feel like not replying. It's Takashi, he walks up to me “Hisao?”

I reply but he don't react. He reaches out and touch me, causing me to suddenly wake up. Yet in front of me Takashi stands, “This is for Rin.”

Takashi hands me a card, on the front side a nice portrait of a red-haired girl is painted. She is smiling that weird smile that only Rin can manage to make, on the back it says 'Get well soon' with signatures all over.

“It's from the art club, or rather the few who are still here.” Takashi smiles, I smile back “Thanks, I'll give it to her once she is awake.” Takashi stays for a while, asking if she has woken up while they were gone or while I were asleep.

I look at my watch, a few hours has passed since the nurse left, and eventually Takashi leaves too.

I sit and look at Rin. I remember my first impression of her “intriguing”, she is indeed an interesting person. Always on her own train of thoughts, rarely stopping to let people board it.
As many impressions as she has made upon me, surely she has made more impressions on the art club.

Now where everything isn't as confusing, I think back on her exhibition, I think back on her working hard and the many events. It all seems to run through my mind and I feel weak.

Seconds pass, minutes, hours. My watch still has no hand to tell me the seconds, but they are washed out anyway, I can't believe how swiftly time passes.

Eventually I fall asleep again. This time my dream seems to have been inspired by my grandfather's stories; I picture myself as a soldier.

A man in a fancy coat is speaking to us, urging us to fight to the last man, not give up, that this is the last stand and we should fight for the Emperor.

I see small boats rushing towards the beach, each filled with foreigners, each foreigner armed to kill us unless we kill them first.

Suddenly everything is silent, I open my eyes, an explosion seems to have occurred.
I see an enemy soldier approaching, I try to find my rifle, but can not. One second later, just a brief second later the soldier is hugging me, I try to fight back, but I can not – I've lost my arms. “Hisao.” the soldier speaks my name.

…

Wait... what? This is wrong, and briefly everything pass away again, and I seem to wake up. Rin is not in the bed and I feel something holding me, then I notice everything again.

Rin is hugging me with her stumps, “Hisao,” she speaks again, repeating what she said earlier. “Are you okay?”

Finally my brain eradicates everything that seems to be part of my dream, no I'm not a soldier. I return her hug.

For a second we are only hugging, then we kiss briefly.

“Bad dream?” she asks me.
“Kind of.” I reply. I wanted to say something more, something about when waking up it is not so bad or that I dreamed I had no arms. Both sounded terrible, so I used neither.

“I'm tired,” she says, “Also, someone was trying to phone you.”

She points at my phone with her foot, indeed it is blinking as it usually does when I have one or more missed calls. I'll look into that later.

“Rin, remember what happened?”
“Somewhat. I remember I was on the hill top with you, then I remember nothing more.”
I relay her everything that happened and what the nurse said,

“I don't have anywhere to go.” is her reply. “My parents aren't home right now.”
“Oh, where are they?” I realise I know nothing about Rins parents.
“Ljubljana.” is the reply, dry and as a matter of fact.
“Lublina? Where is that?” my geography fails me.
“Ljubljana. Some place in Europe. My father is there for a meeting. My mother decided to go hear some concerts.”
I want to ask more questions about her parents but it wouldn't be the right time to do so.

“So you have nowhere to go?”
Rin nodded “They'll be back in a week.”
I contemplate what the nurse told me about going home to my parents.
“Rin, the nurse told me to tell you to get away for a few days, I'm sure my mother wouldn't mind me bringing a guest.”

She kiss me on the cheek, “Sure. What are your parents like?”
I think about it, I hardly know how to describe them.

“Normal enough, working hard, worried about their son, the usual.”

Rin yawns for a second, I notice she is leaning against me, “I'm tired, can we sleep?”

I agree to and begin undressing her, once again her pale skinny body is revealed, this time the bra proves an obstacle more than last time. Having dressed her down I take off my own clothing and lie down next to her. She turns around and put her head on my chest. She smiles, not her usual cryptic 'guess what I'm thinking about' smile, but a truthful smile of happiness, then she doses off again, and so do I.

[CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 4]

Chapter 4

The hardest thing, about falling asleep next to another person, is your breathing. Lying so close to another person that you can her them breath, makes you subconsciously attempt to match your own breath to theirs. Rin's breathing in, is only just a bit shorter than my own, yet her breathing out is longer than mine.

Somehow I don't notice it straight away, somehow I manage to dose off. Until a short beep from my phone wakes me up again. It is a text message, not a call, so I settle on checking it out later.

Except I can't fall asleep again. The breathing is too weird for me, and makes it hard for me to focus on falling asleep. I manage to push Rin off me, without waking her up, I pick up my phone and unfold it. Yes indeed a phone call from my mother and a text message. 'When will you ever come home?'.

I consider it inside me, I should probably ask them if they'd mind me bringing a friend with me.

'Friend'.

Somehow I think my relationship with Rin makes us more than friends, but it is as if I still don't know. Am I her muse? The typical idea of a muse is someone of beauty to inspire the artist, I don't consider myself pretty though, not really the typical beauty one would expect from a magazine.

Not that Rin isn't a beauty either, she is cute and pretty, but perhaps a bit more boyish than most other people. I think that is why I love her, for her boyish charm and way of approaching things differently.

Before I manage to put more thinking into it, I notice I've pulled out my phone and called my parents, my mother is the one picking up the phone, after the initial greetings and all that kind of social stuff, she brings up the topic of summer vacation herself.

“About that, mum, would you mind if I brought someone with me? They don't have anywhere else to go.”
“Not at all honey, is it a friend?”

I think about her question – would I bring home a stranger? It is probably just out of habit she asks me, I confirm it as a friend and we let the topic slide, seeing as how most of the day has passed, I promise to go once some things has been sorted out. Upon the question of how long, my mother wants me to stay for more than a week, but agrees that we will talk about it later.

Around afternoon I go over to Kenji to apologies, he accepts my apology and inquires as to my guest.

“Look Kenji, about before, I'm sorry for telling you to leave.”
“Don't worry dude, none of my business what you are into.” Kenji still hadn't caught on Rin being a girl, I ignored his faux-pas.
“Fine, just needs some rest. Look I'm not into dudes if that is what you are thinking.”

I tried to explain, it ended up inevitably bringing up a mention of Rin being a girl.

Not that Kenji didn't mind, he did mind, in fact I ended up droning off another of his crazy ramblings about feminist conspiracies. But he accepted my explanation, that I suddenly had a girl.

He assured me that eventually I'd see the light and come crawling back to his crazy conspiracies and beg to be let under his wing. I actually came to smile, despite Kenji's somewhat paranoid out look on life he was a pretty okay guy, minded his own business and respecting people's privacy.

Our conversation turned along the subject of dinner to which Kenji asked if he could borrow some money. So just to shut him up I handed him the money he asked for.

As to my own dinner?

My heart had returned to normal a long time ago, so I decide to go to town and buy a few sandwiches for Rin and myself.

I remember Rin liking spicy food so, while I am looking at the many selections, I pick one with curry for Rin. While curry in these kind of sandwiches usually are not the strong kind, it definitely seemed more appetising than the alternatives.

On my way back I meet some other students from Yamaku, usually I'd just nod and acknowledge their presence, but this time they actually seemed to approach me.
“Hey aren't you Hisao Nakai?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Is it true your chest is covered in scars.”
“Yeah, why?”
“No reason.”
Then they continued walking to down, and I stand there, dumbfound by this weird exchange. Did the fact that a dozen students see my scars change something?

This is weird, I only know those people by looks. Yet, they just asked me to confirm if I had some scars. This day could hardly become any weirder.

I touched my forehead, I had been here for a few weeks and yet I knew nothing about anyone, hardly even my now girlfriend. Kenji was legally blind, a nut case but apparently minded his own business when asked to. Hanako shy and timid. Lilly polite and kind. Shizune cunning and intelligent. Misha loud but friendly. Emi enthusiastic and happy. And Rin.

Rin was different, friendly at all times, a bit dry, her head content to be in the sky, minding what no one else seemed to give a second thought.

Different, but in her own cute way. Never much of a speaker, but if asked she would say what was on her mind. Social behaviour was uncharted territory save for the narrow paths.

I thought back on the day at the mural, so directly telling me about her period instead of only telling me it was something only a girl could take care of.

I blushed, we had grown closer during the time, no matter how distant it felt, we were close. Rin knocking on my door earlier today debunked my fears that she was a maelstrom of confusion, if we weren't so close, why wouldn't she just leave me? During her working on the exhibition, she told me to stay away, yet didn't mind that I disregarded it. I smiled once more. Yes, I couldn't deny it, I loved her.

Holding the plastic bag in my hand, I soon found myself entering my room, Rin still hadn't woken up, so I ended up unpacking the bag just to pass time before sitting back down with a book.

However the book don't seem to captivate my interest for as long as I had hoped, and soon I find myself looking at Rin more and more.

“It's strange,” I whisper to myself “When we met, she jokingly suggested I like to look at sleeping girls. However,” I bite my lip, “I never thought I ever would want to do so, now, I can't help it. She is sleeping and yet so inviting to look at.”

The thought is spoken, barely as a whisper, but carries it weight more than I could have wanted.

I find the biggest book I can, an atlas, and turn to face her. With a note book placed on top, I turn to one of the last pages, and with a mechanical pencil I begin to trace her on the paper, slowly filling out the blanks with all the details I can catch with my eyes.

Her short messy hair, her closed eyelids, her small nose and straight mouth. Her cheeks and chins, her neck, shoulders, arms, or stumps. Should I draw her with arms? I decide not to, it seems too weird to even imagine. The blanket covering her body, every little ripple. I don't hurry, I have nothing to lose by speeding up the progress. Eventually though, I finish and manage to make a drawing.

My eyes fell upon the card that Takashi came by with. I didn't deny it, my artistic abilities did not seem promising. Rin however had managed to make a mural and an art exhibition in the few short weeks I knew her.
And it had taken it's toll, there she was in my bed, asleep with her little genuine smile.

[CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 5]

Chapter 5

No one can sleep forever, not even Rin. But I had to congratulate her on her efforts. She really slept heavily and it wasn't until sunset that she seemed to wake up again.

Of course, one thing is that people look so peaceful when they sleep. Another? What comes out of their mouth when they wake up. In Rin's case, her first word was “Hungry”.

“I brought sandwiches.” I helpfully suggest and hold them up.
“Where is the bathroom?”

Okay, 'Hungry' and followed by 'Where is the bathroom'. Two sentences that I had never hoped to hear after one another.

“Why do you need to use the bathroom?” I was confused, I really was, I mean I could find a couple reasons why someone would go to the bathroom. So I asked, if only out of politeness that I might actually point her to the toilet and not the showers by accident.
“Foot washing.” Okay Rin, I know this is all old to you but it is new to me. How do you wash your feet again?
“Let me guess, you need to use a shower, right?”
“Yaep.”
“Unfortunately I wouldn't go out there if I were you, I share it with Kenji, and he has surprised me out there before.”
“Did you drop the soap?” It took me a few seconds to understand what she meant, but then I laughed.
“Not like that, anyway, I don't think it is a good idea to use my shower half naked.”
“In that case you'll have to feed me.”

So what is wrong with washing your feet clothed? She does not give me a straight answer. In the end, she has it her way. So I sit and hold my arm around her holding up the sandwich for her to chew.

“I've spoken to my mother.”
“So I heard. I wasn't asleep.” Damn, I didn't want to leave her if she were awake.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“Don't you have things to do once in a while?” I actually didn't, I mean, most of the stuff I did wasn't that important.
Rin finished her sandwich before licking my fingers.
“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. Rin could be very confusing, at least to me, I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.”
“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?”
“Oh sure you'd want to stay here while Emi and I both have left.”

Rin threw herself down on my pillow, face first, landing with a small thud.

“I'll take that as you coming home with me,” I laughed it off, I had no idea Rin could pretend to be that worked up, I had actually dismissed her as humourless at one point. I began eating my own sandwich, looking at her. “Also, you don't have a choice, nurse's order to get out of here for a while.”

My sandwich was dull. Ham and cheese, really not the most interesting thing in the world.

“Now you are smiling? You need to get laid more often.” Rin's voiced squeaked.
“Sorry?”
“This is the first time I see you smile.”
I'm sure I've smiled before so I'm tempted to leave the remark behind.
“Maybe, would it make any difference?” I try to smirk.
“Probably not, Emi complained about it.”
“Emi complained about me not smiling?”
“Yeap,” I'm not even sure if that is a proper word. Sounded like a 'yes', 'yep' and a 'yeah', I stay silent. “'If only Hisao smiled more I'd be all over him' or something along that.” she mimicked Emi's voice brilliantly.
“Emi really said that?”
“Maybe, maybe not, does it matter?”
“Probably not, I got you. I think you fit me better, besides I still have arrhythmia, why would an athletic star want to date a guy who literally die when exposed to working out?”
She leaves my question silent, it makes me think if she and Emi had been talking a lot about me behind my back, for some reason I don't mind.

I almost manage to finish my sandwich before another remark is made.

“Hisao,” Rin looks me in my eyes “Can I touch your hands?”
“But, you've touched them plenty of times, like... a few hours ago they were all over your body.”
“Not like that, I want to...” again she pauses, almost unneeded, I can guess what she wants to say, but don't want to interrupt her.
“I want to study them.” she finds a better phrase than I had expected, personally I'd have used 'examine'.

I finish my sandwich and hold out my hands for her, carefully she trace her stumps over the surface of my palm, noticing a small scar on my left index finger. Every vein, every muscle she looks at them intently.

Why is she interested in my hands? If Rin ever mentioned it, I'm sure I've forgotten how she lost her own to begin with.

Slowly she begins to push my fingers around, making various hand signs or gestures, one thing seem to perplex her as she continues to push my little finger forwards and backwards noticing that the finger beside it seems to be connected and that each small bending cause a reaction.

“Can you move it?”
“I'm sorry?”
“The... smallest finger... can you try to move it?”

I bend my little finger, the ring finger bends with it.

“Weird.” she silently exclaims.
Perhaps to her, to me it is as natural as my chest lifting when breathing in.

She looks a bit more at my scar, and notice that I don't have one on my other hand, “What happened?”
“It's a long story, about me being careless.”
“I don't mind.”
“Well, I must have been seven or eight years old, I can hardly have been much older but I'm not sure. My mother wanted me to peel some potatoes – you see, she had found some surprisingly cheap and wanted to try cooking them – a careless second and my hand slipped, the knife didn't cut so deep that I had to go to the hospital, but I could hardly move my finger for a month.”
“Must have been annoying.”
“Not really.”
“You don't use your hands for everything?”
“Like you use your feet?”
“Yeah.”
I'm unsure how to proceed, I really have no idea how Rin use her feet.
“Well, I guess you know this from yourself, but most people tend to use only one hand for everything, writing, scratching, grabbing, everything.”
“And that is normal?” Rin looked at her feet.
“Don't you have one foot you use more than the other?”
“Not really, never gave it much thought.”
“Some people are like that.”
“Yeah, they have no hands.”
“No I don't mean like that, I mean some people don't prefer to use either hand, they just use what is convenient.”
“Really? That is normal?”
I think for a second.
“Not so normal that everyone knows at least one who has it, but common enough they have a word for it. It escapes me though. Sorry.”
Rin looked into my eyes, she looked tired, yet curious. “Do you know anyone like that?”
Absent mindedly I scratched my lip, “No I don't think I do.”

Rin leaned against me, “Thanks, I want to study them more later, but now I'm happy. Let's sleep again.”

[CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 6]

Alright, revised the existing chapter 1 and split it up in short chapters.

People who have finished 'existing' chapter 1 may want to skip to chapter 4.

“We have students here who lost their legs in car crashes, got most of their bodies scarred in house fires or lost their hands due to fireworks. Yet, you are worried about the scars on your chest that was made by professionals?”

I think I liked the first version better. That was some mino OOC behaviour by Hisao.
This is some MAJOR OOC by the nurse.
What is so hard about simply closing the door?

Chapter 6

How Rin and I could fall asleep, I can not yet understand. Myself? Perhaps it was the culmination of a very busy day, for Rin? She had been sleeping for hours already, and I had pegged it unlikely that she could fall asleep again. But we fell asleep alright.

In the morning we found that we awoke at the same time, probably for the same reason too: Someone knocking on my door. I began putting on some clothes while telling them I was coming.

Outside the nurse was standing.

“Sorry if I woke you up, but I got the confirmation early. Rin can leave the school for two weeks. She weren't in her room so I thought perhaps she hadn't left yours at all. None of my business where she is, as long as she haven't left school grounds.”

As quickly as nurse had arrived, he departed. Not asking to speak with Rin, nor asking how she was. I took a look at the papers he had handed me to pass onto Rin.

“Student Copy” was stamped with red letters on the top right corner of both papers. It was a medical report giving reason as to why Rin should be granted permission to leave school, what seemed to catch my interest was that he had made references to some of my statements. Not exactly things I had said, but things I would have said, if I had the chance. Apparently the nurse had contacted Emi, because she was also referred to as a source.
A list of medical terms was used: “Syncope”, “Slight Bradypnea”and “Muscle Fatigue”.
The second paper was just the principal's approval.

Rin at the papers from over my shoulder, her breasts poking into my back. “I'm Amelia.” What did she even mean by that?

“Like that pilot woman?”
“Like someone without a limb. It's a medical term for someone born without one or more limbs.”

I fetch my laptop and look it up, 'Syncope' is 'Losing Consciousness' and 'Bradypnea' is 'Slow breathing rate'. “Uuuh,” Rin suddenly sounds very enthusiastic “Try Amelia.”
“Why?”
“No idea, just feel like looking it up once more.” And true to what she had said, Amelia did infact refer to someone born without one of more limbs.

“So you never had arms?”
“No, anyway, shouldn't we be packing?” Rin asked avoiding the subject, or maybe she is just more responsible than I had thought she was. Either way, Rin had a point. I began helping her put on her clothing and despite some more difficulties with the bra she ended up satisfied with the result.
However her mouth seemed to indicate something different.
“Something wrong?” I know adjusting her breasts is not easy and with her 'amelia' it would be hard for her to adjust them.

“Yes, no, yes. Hisao, I need you to help me a bit again.” suddenly she began walking towards the door. She lifted up her foot to open it but I manage to stop her.
“Rin, I can't read minds, can't you just tell me?”

“Sorry,” She put down her foot “I should probably shower, but my school uniform is harder to get in and out of, than a pair of over-large overalls. So I need to you help me get out of it when we are back in my room.”

A valid explanation and observation, I thought for a second.

“Kenji is a later-sleeper and it is only nine, I doubt he is awake by now, why don't you use our bathroom?”
Rin opened her mouth slightly, most likely out of surprise, last night I had given the opposite message.
“But last nig-” I cut her off “Last night wasn't that late, Kenji don't go to bed early, on the contrary. I don't think he will get up early on a holiday. If you want I can check?” She nodded at my question. I opened the door and went over to Kenji's room and put my ear against his door.
Heavy snoring was heard. Yep, Kenji was in his room sleeping soundly.

Returning to Rin, I began helping her undress again. For some reason we end up showering together too. The only concern she had was my choice of shampoo, but only because it is perfumed for men.

After the shower, I assist her get clothed again before she leave to pack her things. I begin packing my own stuff. I decide, while folding together a pair of boxer-briefs, to go to Rin's room when I would done.

With my trolley suitcase rolling after me, I knock on Rin's room. She is surprisingly ready. I had expected her to need some help with packing, but she was almost done.

With a backpack leaning against the wall, she was on her back, clicking together the plastic buckles on front. Still wearing her school outfit, she hadn't had changed, in which I again end up lending her a hand. Her choice of clothing consist of jeans, a black t-shirt with a dark-green tartan shirt with long sleeves on top – tied up like the sleeves on her school uniform.

I sniggered, were it not for her breasts pressing against the shirt, she looked like a boy. The fact that I can still smell my shampoo in her hair do not help, though she did put on some more feminine deodorant after I had undressed her.

Moving her backpack from the wall to her bed with her feet, she put her stumps through the straps. However the backpack had tumbled over leaving her struggling to get up, however she did get up. I began to close the front buckles for her, however I had to stop when she told me not to.

We take the bus to the train station, coincidentally it pass the 22nd corner. I look through the bus window and recognize Rin's paintings, still hanging there. Sae is out front smoking, whenever she saw us or not, I don't know. She catches my eyes, but don't wave. However her facial expression changes to a more remorseful one

Then the pieces click together, and everything adds up. Her reason for being so sceptical of Rin at first, had probably been because she could see what had been coming. Rin must have noticed my expression and seen Sae as well. We have a brief conversation, during which we come to agree, that Sae is not to blame for the unfortunate turn of events.

We end up having to wait for the train, causing Rin to find us a bench outside. Silence pass for a few minutes until Rin break it.

“You know what I could do with?”
“Mmm..?”
“A cigarette.”
“I thought we decided, that the ones we had in the atelier was it.”
Turns out we did not and Rin asks me if I'd like one.

I'm tempted to decline as Rin asked, I really am. However I thought back on the relaxing sensation it caused me, I accept. Rin begin to open a pocket on top of her backpack and somehow get out the pack along with the neon green lighter. With her feet she get out a cigarette and manage to light it, more agile than a few nights before. She reach me the pack with her right foot. For a second I try not to think about what to call that action in Rin's case. Should I say 'Handed' or 'Footed'? I take the pack from her and look into it, noticeable less cigarettes was left since our smoking night. I take one out and light it.
“Have you been smoking while I was gone?”
“Yeah. I couldn't help it.”

I remember someone once telling me that the first step of addiction is denial, so I decide to test Rin.
“Are you addicted?”
“Yes.” Okay, I can't say that was the answer I had anticipated. Should I try to point out we might not be in a smoking area?
“Also, I picked this bench because it is in a smoking area.” What!? But how did she do that? How could she know that was what I was about to say?
“How did you know I was about to say that?”
She puffed out smoke with the cigarette dangling between her lips.
“You are one of the most predictable people, I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.”

A comment I ended up thinking more about, than I will ever admit.

[CHAPTER 7 IS ON THE WAY]

Mirage_GSM wrote:What is so hard about simply closing the door?

The fact that I don't feel like the door should be closed.

Consider it this way: Letting people know about Hisao's condition, I actually have a chance for some character development into the way Hisao thinks about his condition beyond what occurs in the original plot line.

Patient confidentiality I can agree to though, the sentence can essentially be rephrased without loss of meaning or result, so I hope you like the new phrasing better:

“Nakai, you are lucky you have a condition which most people can't see when you wear a shirt. But there is no need to be secretive about it, when most students are here because one reason or another. I'm sure most people would tell you whats the matter with them if you ask, it's only a problem if you make it one.”

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. Rin could be very confusing, at least to me, I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.”
“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?”

Who is saying What here?

Also, much skipping between present and past tense as well as several incorrect verb forms, e.g. "Rin begin to open a pocket..."

Mirage_GSM wrote:

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. Rin could be very confusing, at least to me, I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.”
“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?”

Who is saying What here?

Also, much skipping between present and past tense as well as several incorrect verb forms, e.g. "Rin begin to open a pocket..."

Alright let me make an attempt at reading comprehension.

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. - She refers to a girl and since Rin is the only girl at that scene, one can only assume that Rin is the one asking.

I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.” - The narrator is Hisao, so "I asked" means Hisao asked, since the next sentence isn't a question we can assume that the question isn't written as a reply and that "It's this or that." is Rin speaking. Okay that i.s a bit confusing, I'll give you that.

“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?” - Another person has yet to enter the scene so there is only Rin and Hisao. Since Hisao is the one being adressed it is most likely Rin - unless Hisao develops a case of schizophrenia very quickly which is unlikely. This means that that "Excuse me?" is being asked by Hisao.

I'll admit that I have some difficulties writing in present-tense because I prefer past-tense, but I'm trying. ]

Vagn wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. Rin could be very confusing, at least to me, I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.”
“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?”

Who is saying What here?

Also, much skipping between present and past tense as well as several incorrect verb forms, e.g. "Rin begin to open a pocket..."

Alright let me make an attempt at reading comprehension.

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. - She refers to a girl and since Rin is the only girl at that scene, one can only assume that Rin is the one asking.

I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked.
“It's this or that.” - The narrator is Hisao, so "I asked" means Hisao asked, since the next sentence isn't a question we can assume that the question isn't written as a reply and that "It's this or that." is Rin speaking. Okay that i.s a bit confusing, I'll give you that.

“Excuse me?”
“Either I go home with you Hisao or I stay here, what do you think I'd prefer?” - Another person has yet to enter the scene so there is only Rin and Hisao. Since Hisao is the one being adressed it is most likely Rin - unless Hisao develops a case of schizophrenia very quickly which is unlikely. This means that that "Excuse me?" is being asked by Hisao.

I'll admit that I have some difficulties writing in present-tense because I prefer past-tense, but I'm trying. ]

Generally, the idea is that each time someone different talks, a new paragraph should start. If they don't actually say anything and just nod or make a gesture, it can be part of the same paragraph as the previous dialogue. Even your example there of having 'so I asked' appear on the same line is fine as long as you indicate who's voice is actually appearing in quotes.

However, you misplaced the following dialogue and didn't indicate the speaker. You left it in a state where we expect the next thing to be a question asked by Hisao. Essentially, you cut out three words and wasted your reader's time trying to sort out the jumbled narrative.

With just a few words added, this would have been much less confusing:

“So you don't want me to go home with you?” She asked me. Rin could be very confusing, at least to me, I wanted to be sure what she meant. So I asked, and she answered, “it's this or that.”
“Excuse me?”

The italicized area is all I added. This way, your reader will know exactly who is talking.

You actually do this a lot in your narrative and it's rather jarring. Sure, with some extra time, you can figure out who's talking in your version, but writing is a precise art and you shouldn't leave the narrative open to interpretation.

It has been weeks since last time I showed any signs of being alive. This being still a fairly new fan fiction, I don't have a fanbase to worry.

But truth is, I want to finish this fan fiction but I can not. I have drafts for another chapter or three lying around, but I get no-where with them. I think it is solid stuff, good stuff, but somehow I can't get myself to actually convert them from handwritten papers to word documents.

So I'm gonna call it quits.

But! When I started writing this I had just finished Rin's path. It still is the only path in Katawa Shoujo I have finished. Maybe - just maybe - finishing another path might inspire me, but it is equally likely that it will just cause me to want to write a continuation of that path. So don't get your hopes up.

If you are optimistic and/or liked the few chapters I managed to put out, let's just say I'm on a hiatus until futher notice.
If you are pessimistic and/or disliked the few chapters I managed to put out, be happy, it is probably over now.

Thanks for the harsh criticism everyone, it is probably more justified than I'd like to admit.

Apologies for bumping a dead topic.