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The scarf was a nice touch. Otherwise it felt a bit too rushed.

Mirage_GSM wrote:The scarf was a nice touch. Otherwise it felt a bit too rushed.

Agreed. I'm spacing it out a bit. Give me a minute to update. I'll probably screw around with it a bit tomorrow too.

EDIT: Okay, I made her reaction a bit more realistic. I'll think of ways to space it out, but the whole conversation seems to be kinda hard to do without dragging it out a lot.

Sorry for the double-post, but I've updated it once again. I think it's good how it is now, but let me know if there's anything glaringly obvious that's wrong with it.

Vekter wrote:After wrestling his hand from Yuuko's grasp, he wrapped both of them around the crying woman, looking solemn and defeated. Blushing heavily, he spoke. “Y-yuuko, I fucked up. I-... I just fucked up. I left you alone that n-night, and never even b-bothered to call you.” He stammered as he tried to collect himself. “B-but I know now that I was wrong to not consider your feelings. I'm... I'm sorry...”

Dem shaman's eyes, man.

This is a new side of Kenji and it's quite the jarring transition from his usual self. I think it's cute how angry Yuuko was but how eager she was to start again. That seems like her. I would normally describe Yuuko as someone very hard on herself but who also tries very hard to stay positive. And that seems to be showing here.

Enjoyed and looking forward to more of this story, bro. Can't wait to see what their relationship chemistry is like.

I like what you've done with the most recent draft, you did a good job building up both Yuuko and Kenji's reactions a little to make them more in character. I like the notion that Kenji is so wrapped up in his elaborate schemes and plots that he never stops to consider simpler things like the emotions people have. Good job tweaking the dialogue a little, although there is still a small height difference, but it's semantics really.
I just want to say that you've come a very long way since your first draft, and you've set the stage for some pretty heartwarming scenes to come, if you want.

Cool story

WOO, I'VE BEEN DRAGGING MY ASS AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

STATUS UPDATE then. I've started writing Part 4, and should have it done some time between this week and next fucking month (no I'm kidding here in the next week)

You guys are welcome to add me on Steam and bitch at me to write every so often.

Vekter wrote:WOO, I'VE BEEN DRAGGING MY ASS AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

STATUS UPDATE then. I've started writing Part 4, and should have it done some time between this week and next fucking month (no I'm kidding here in the next week)

You guys are welcome to add me on Steam and bitch at me to write every so often.

Steam? Awesome. What game do you play?

Megumeru wrote:

Vekter wrote:WOO, I'VE BEEN DRAGGING MY ASS AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW

STATUS UPDATE then. I've started writing Part 4, and should have it done some time between this week and next fucking month (no I'm kidding here in the next week)

You guys are welcome to add me on Steam and bitch at me to write every so often.

Steam? Awesome. What game do you play?

Cannot list them all. TF2 mostly, also some Gotham City Impostors and SMNC.

Hey, would ya look at that, I ACTUALLY DELIVER ON A DEADLINE.

Short chapter, but the next one's gonna be balls long, so I think it evens it out. As always, read and review please!

-----

Part 4: Drawing Treaties

Purse, phone, keys, wallet, money.

“Okay, I've got everything,” I mutter to myself as I check my belongings once more, trying to get dressed in time for Kenji's arrival. I sped about the apartment in an attempt to gather my clothing, still excessively nervous about tonight's date. Granted, I've not seen him for the better part of a year, but I wish I could calm down a bit. I put on what little makeup I own and continue trying to prepare myself for the night ahead.

“Okay, green top with black pants. He'll like that, right? They match, right? I think... Oh god, why is this so frustrating!” I grumble, almost panicking. Damn it, why can't I calm down? I notice my hand shaking and take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves as I pull the top on, then the pants. I look in the mirror and adjust the top a bit. It's a somewhat low-cut top I've had for ages, but never get a chance to wear. I calm myself somewhat again, still extremely anxious about being on a date with Kenji for the first time since the incident. “Wait... where's my stuff?”

Purse, phone, keys, wallet, money.

'Okay, good. Everything's still here,' I think, now a good deal calmer. I pull my socks and shoes on and tend to my hair, putting it in a short ponytail and combing the rest of it straight. My hands were surprisingly steady as I put on the finishing touches.

*Knock*

I hear a loud knocking coming from the door. 'Must be him' I think, getting nervous once again as I reach for my belongings.

Purse, phone, keys, wallet, money.

I open the door to see Kenji standing there, his usual half-smile on his face, still wearing that dumb old scarf I gave him ages ago.

“Sup,” he says to me. 'Sup'... Well, some things never change I guess. I close and lock the door behind him, taking his hand into mine. We walk for a while, hand in hand and enjoying the silence, before one of us speaks. “S-So, how's life?”

Nice one, Yuuko. I sigh inwardly as Kenji replies, “Fine. Life is life, y'know? Trying to put down the revolution, as always.” I sigh again; I guess Kenji is still on about this whole conspiracy theory of his. I quietly listen to his ramblings about feminists and conspiracies, slowly mustering the courage to ask him something.

“K-Kenji... This whole feminist thing... You don't think I'm... one of them, do you?”

We stop for a moment and Kenji turns to face me, looking at me with that same, serious look he always has, seemingly analyzing me for a moment before he finally replies. “No. You're one of the good ones.” He smiled at me; a rarity. “If you weren't, I wouldn't be here right now.”

We continue to talk as we make our way to the bus stop, Kenji thankfully dropping his ramblings for the time being. As we walk, I lose myself in the conversation, finally managing to relax a bit.

“... And that Misha girl, the one with pink hair... She's really very nice, but she's so loud! She's always yelling, even in the library, and always manages to completely ignore me asking her to keep quiet... I don't know sometimes, Kenji.” I always manage to open up more to Kenji. I guess it's part of what I like about him.

He nods and replies, “Yeah, she's annoying. One of those Student Council chicks. Y'know the other one, that blue-haired one? She's got the nerve to never talk to me, ever. Her lackey just relays it to me instead. The gall of some people.”

“Uuuh... Kenji? She's deaf.”

“... Wait, if she's deaf, then why does she wear glasses?”

I look at him incredulously and decide to stop trying. We finally reach the bus stop, waiting in silence on the bench for the bus. Sure enough, it comes quickly enough, the bus driver smiling down at us and tipping his hat as we drop our money in the little coin machine. We choose our seat and spend the ride in relative silence, simply enjoying each other's company.

Vekter wrote: “... Wait, if she's deaf, then why does she wear glasses?”

Did you get this from the "GIMME THE CHOCOLATE HISAO" Comic?

Dippeggs wrote:

Vekter wrote: “... Wait, if she's deaf, then why does she wear glasses?”

Did you get this from the "GIMME THE CHOCOLATE HISAO" Comic?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Vekter wrote:
“... Wait, if she's deaf, then why does she wear glasses?”

Ohyou.jpg

I like it, the banter between the two of them was cute, and it's nice to see Yuuko open up to someone. How she kept repeating her mantra of items that she needed to remember was a nice touch as well. It might have been a short update, but hopefully it'll put you back on a roll.

Short, but I rather liked it.
Wait, how does Kenji know she wears glasses?