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Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 5:50 am
by andros414
Exbando wrote:I figure I should get chapter 2 out now before I get any more ideas and try to change the story more than it needs to be. In this chapter, you're going to see just how stupid our main character can be at times.

<Story Snip for quote.>

And there it is. My newness to writing is definitely showing here. As for all of the doctors that are seemingly not applying common sense with certain conditions that the character may or may not have, let's just assume that they're more worried about amnesia at the moment.
I lol'd at your intro. Dunno why, just struck me as funny. >.>

Instead of "newness to writing," I get the feeling that you're trying to avoid overly describing things, keeping things short for the most part and going into detail as needed. I like it. :) Only typo I noticed was you said "...going to be along hour..." instead of "...going to be a long hour..."

I can see the amnesia being a more pressing concern if there are no other obvious problems at the moment, that way the doctors/nurses can ask about medication and such.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 2:53 pm
by killjoy
It's 2:39 pm, I walked across the room and sat down. I looked at the clock, 78 hours have passed. GRRRR why is father time punishing me and making time slow down to a crawl!!!!

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:00 am
by Exbando
andros414 wrote: I lol'd at your intro. Dunno why, just struck me as funny. >.>

Instead of "newness to writing," I get the feeling that you're trying to avoid overly describing things, keeping things short for the most part and going into detail as needed. I like it. :) Only typo I noticed was you said "...going to be along hour..." instead of "...going to be a long hour..."

I can see the amnesia being a more pressing concern if there are no other obvious problems at the moment, that way the doctors/nurses can ask about medication and such.
I made someone lol? my job is now complete.

I'm not trying to avoid overly describing things, I just think I'm trying to focus on what's important. If it's not important, it doesn't cross my mind. I'm glad you like the way I'm describing things.

As for that typo, my spacebar sometimes doesn't register without me noticing.

I'm still working on chapter 3, but I just remembered that I have to go back to school, so I have to finish all that homework I've been neglecting to do. I'll be working on this story when I can.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:16 am
by Rikabro
I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but Hanako covering her face as Hisao sees her for what she might think is the first time in his memory was really powerful for me. I felt so bad for her. She's come such a long way only to meet Hisao all over again.

But, he remembers her. So that feel was short-lived.

Poor Nakai. Loving that he hasn't forgotten how to be the Master of Romance.

Also - I feel I should say something about your style. You are a quite minimal on the concrete description, heavier on the dialogue, and I can relate to that. It's a lot like my own writing style. Focusing on the dialogue is really good for the flow of your writing and helps everything read a lot more speedily. But I think you might consider adding a paragraph or two of scene description just for the sake of evoking something in the reader's imagination.

You might do this by internalizing it in Hisao's interior dialogue. When he's alone, have him reflect on his surroundings or something, if that's more your style.

Just a suggestion in the event that you do want to bring in some concrete description. I agree with andros414 that the minimalistic approach serves your writing rather than taking anything away from it, and I'm enjoying what you've written so far.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:09 pm
by Homeless
I'm not normally prone to this.. but MOAR!!

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 3:36 am
by Exbando
Rikabro wrote:I'm not sure if you intended this or not, but Hanako covering her face as Hisao sees her for what she might think is the first time in his memory was really powerful for me. I felt so bad for her. She's come such a long way only to meet Hisao all over again.
Totally what I meant. Yeah.
Rikabro wrote:But, he remembers her. So that feel was short-lived.
I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, to be honest.
Rikabro wrote:Poor Nakai. Loving that he hasn't forgotten how to be the Master of Romance.
Sweater vests tend to have that effect on people, even if they can't remember anything.
Rikabro wrote:Also - I feel I should say something about your style. You are a quite minimal on the concrete description, heavier on the dialogue, and I can relate to that. It's a lot like my own writing style. Focusing on the dialogue is really good for the flow of your writing and helps everything read a lot more speedily. But I think you might consider adding a paragraph or two of scene description just for the sake of evoking something in the reader's imagination.

You might do this by internalizing it in Hisao's interior dialogue. When he's alone, have him reflect on his surroundings or something, if that's more your style.
I think I'll try this later on in the story, I don't think a hospital room really needs description, they are all the same to me.
Rikabro wrote:Just a suggestion in the event that you do want to bring in some concrete description. I agree with andros414 that the minimalistic approach serves your writing rather than taking anything away from it, and I'm enjoying what you've written so far.
Thank you, I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Homeless wrote:I'm not normally prone to this.. but MOAR!!
I'm glad you're enjoying my story this much!

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 5:21 am
by Exbando
And now for Chapter 3! This chapter picks up right where Chapter 2 left off.

Previous Chapter

--------------------------------

I look to Ms. Satou for support here, but her face only shows surprise. What is there to be surprised about? I look over to the mystery woman, and her face shows the same thing. Did I say something offensive?

“I-I thought y-you couldn’t r-remember any-anything?” the mystery woman asks. Did I remember something? I still can’t think of what her name is. I try to remember what I just said.

Can’t you take a compliment, Hanako?

Is that her name? Hanako? How was I able to say it without even realizing? Did I just say it out of reflex? Well, that can’t be anything but a good thing, but I still can’t remember anything about her or Ms. Satou.

“It would seem that I do remember your name, Hanako. Unfortunately, I can’t remember anything else. You must be pretty important to me, though, if I could remember your name before I could even remember my own name,” I say, hoping to get a good response from Hanako. It looks like she is smiling, but it’s kinda hard to tell at this angle. I can see that Ms. Satou is smiling. She must be relieved that I can remember something. It must be a little weird for her, though. I was able to say Hanako’s name right off the bat, while I haven’t even given myself a chance to blurt Ms. Satou’s name out reflex.

Everybody simply stays silent for what seems like hours, even though it’s only been a couple of minutes, according to the clock on my side. Ms. Satou is the one who breaks the silence. “It’s good that you can remember Hanako’s name, friend. I think it should be taken as a sign that you haven’t forgotten everything permanently.” Hanako silently nods in agreement.

“I hope I haven’t forgotten everything permanently,” is all I can think of to respond. God, that came out darker than I thought it would. I immediately try to brighten things up, but this time, with an apology, not a joke. “I’m sorry. That was a little pessimistic of me,” I say.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ms. Satou says. “I think it would be natural to think like that after having forgotten almost everything.” Hanako nods in agreement again. Is this all she usually does? Hanako has only said seven words to me. I don’t know why, but all I want right now is to get her to talk to me some more. She must have been really important to me. Maybe she was my girlfriend at some point? I lay my hands across my chest, contemplating that thought.

My train of thought is interrupted by something strange on my chest. I can feel a small bump on my sternum. I try to think of what it could possibly be. I don’t want to look at it right now, considering present company. I wonder if Hanako or Ms. Satou knows about it? I suppose there is no harm in asking about it. If they are my friends, then they should know what it is. “Excuse me, but do either of you know if I had a bump on my sternum before whatever happened last night?”

Both of their faces seem confused, but Ms. Satou’s is the first to come to what seems like a realization. “I know that you want to remember things for yourself, but this, I feel, is too important to put off. You have a heart condition called arrhythmia. I believe this ‘bump’ that you are referring to is the scar from your surgeries after your first heart attack.”

Wow. That was a lot of information to take in at once. I don’t even know how to respond to it. Being told that you have a heart condition…that’s hard. What makes it even harder is the thought that this is the second time I’m being told about this condition for the first time. Or I at least assume so.

“I d-didn’t know y-you had a s-scar!” Hanako exclaims. I look at her, a little surprise showing on my face. Not only from the fact that she finally spoke up and said something, but I’m also surprised that I never told her about it. Why would I want to keep this a secret? Was I ashamed of it?

Ms. Satou is the one that responds to Hanako. “I didn’t know he had a scar either, Hanako. I simply made a few assumptions.” Hanako seems to lighten up a bit after hearing this, but it’s still hard to tell.

The atmosphere still seems a little awkward, so I try to lighten the mood again with another joke. “Heh. I suppose we all learned something about me today, huh?” Okay, could have done better, but it’s better than nothing, right? It looks like I was wrong. Both Hanako’s and Ms. Satou’s faces look somewhat offended. Maybe it was because I never told them about my scar? It’s not like I have any control over that, now. I can’t even remember these people. I’m just going off of what they told me, after all. Maybe an apology is in order. “Look, I’m sorry that I apparently never told you about this scar. I don’t remember why I never told you, but the best I can think of is that I was ashamed of it, for some reason.”

An awkward silence follows. Ms. Satou appears to be lost in thought, while Hanako is looking down at the floor. I wonder if I was right about what I said. Once again, I’m surprised when Hanako breaks the silence. “S-speaking of your heart condition, I-I brought your m-medicine from your h-house.”

I’m glad that there was a change of topic, but now I have something else on my mind: how did she get in my house? That train of thought is interrupted, though, when Hanako starts pulling out several bottles of medication. Just when I think she’s taken them all out, she starts pulling out more. When she finally stops, I count how many there are. Seventeen. If I have seventeen different medications, are they even doing anything? I say the first thing that comes to mind, just to break the awkward silence that keeps coming up. “I assume the doctors know of my condition, and the medicine that I need to take?” I ask to either Hanako or Ms. Satou.

“It would seem that in the excitement of everything that has happened, I neglected to tell them about it, friend. I apologize,” Ms. Satou says.

“I t-told them about th-the medicine,” Hanako says. I’m surprised that Hanako was able to tell the doctors about it, and judging by the look on Ms. Satou’s face, she is as well. Seeing our surprised looks, Hanako explains. “Dr. Nakano a-asked me if you w-were on anything c-currently, s-so I s-showed him the b-bottles.”

More silence follows. I decide to look at the clock. 1:53 P.M. We’ve only been talking for a little under an hour, and we already ran out of stuff to talk about. All because I decided to not let these two tell me anything about myself.

Ms. Satou breaks the silence after a few minutes. “Would you like something to eat, friend?” she asks. Now that I think about it, I haven’t eaten today. I should eat something if I don’t want my stomach to collapse in on itself. I say as much, and Ms. Satou nods. “Hanako, would you accompany me to the cafeteria, please?”

“Am I not allowed to go to the cafeteria?” I jokingly ask, knowing that I’m hooked up to the machines that are keeping track of my vitals. Ms. Satou smiles and whispers something to Hanako, who then looks around my bed before stepping towards me. She finds what she was looking for, and presses the “Call Nurse” button, then steps back.

“N-now you can c-come with u-us,” Hanako says, a clear smile on her face. There’s something about Hanako’s smile. It seems to brighten up the mood, no matter what is going on.


--------------------------------

Next Chapter

I hope you're enjoying the story so far! Chapter 4 will come up when it's finished. Special thanks to the person who looked this chapter over for any errors that I might have missed (you know who you are). Constructive criticism is appreciated, as always.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 6:49 am
by andros414
Was just about to hit "Submit" on a post about how I figured this was after Hanako's Neutral End and I looked up to the thread title and seen it spelled out right in front of me. Herp-a-derp it's bed time. :lol:

I could swear, though, that I recall Hisao and Hanako being on good enough terms in the neutral end for her to not stutter around him as much as before. Guess I can chalk this up to her being nervous about him being in the hospital again and being told he has a case of amnesia.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 8:48 pm
by Homeless
Nice story, I have to admit. I can actually see Hanako returning to her stuttering. Old habits are hard to break, and being that it's only been a short while (from what I can tell) since shes lost her stammer, it's no surprise that it's back. Stress has a wonderful way of reminding you of where and when you came from.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Wed Mar 14, 2012 9:24 pm
by waynoinsano
great so far. only misstep was using "his house" instaed of " his dorm"

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 12:35 am
by Exbando
andros414 wrote:Was just about to hit "Submit" on a post about how I figured this was after Hanako's Neutral End and I looked up to the thread title and seen it spelled out right in front of me. Herp-a-derp it's bed time. :lol:
I'll try to post the next part at a more reasonable time.
andros414 wrote:I could swear, though, that I recall Hisao and Hanako being on good enough terms in the neutral end for her to not stutter around him as much as before. Guess I can chalk this up to her being nervous about him being in the hospital again and being told he has a case of amnesia.
Homeless wrote:Nice story, I have to admit. I can actually see Hanako returning to her stuttering. Old habits are hard to break, and being that it's only been a short while (from what I can tell) since shes lost her stammer, it's no surprise that it's back. Stress has a wonderful way of reminding you of where and when you came from.
There is a reason for Hanako stammering so much, but now I kinda don't want to say it. I might have gotten the idea to write this again when it's finished from Hanako's perspective. Not sure if that'll happen or not, though.
waynoinsano wrote:great so far. only misstep was using "his house" instaed of " his dorm"
Actually, I did mean "his house" 8)

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:00 pm
by WolfStreak
Damn now to read your story i have to go play the game again and get the neutral end, CURSES!

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:33 pm
by Brogurt
Exbando wrote: There is a reason for Hanako stammering so much, but now I kinda don't want to say it.
It's because she's still high strung from hearing that George kills Lennie.
This is also the reason that Hisao lost his memory. When he told her about this, she hit him in the head with the book and gave him a severe concussion.

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 7:50 pm
by stanman237
Brogurt wrote:
Exbando wrote: There is a reason for Hanako stammering so much, but now I kinda don't want to say it.
It's because she's still high strung from hearing that George kills Lennie.
This is also the reason that Hisao lost his memory. When he told her about this, she hit him in the head with the book and gave him a severe concussion.

Lol what book are you talking about?

Re: A Familiar Face (Hanako Neutral End Fan Fiction)

Posted: Thu Mar 15, 2012 8:12 pm
by Brogurt
stanman237 wrote: Lol what book are you talking about?
https://www.google.com/search?q=George+kills+Lennie