Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[dunkelfalke]

I know how it is. The only advice I can give you is, try lots and lots of different things out, maybe you actually find something you enjoy. I don't know, maybe playing guitar, maybe going swimming, making photos, whatever you can think of. You've got to find something that can set you to the flow:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29

[GuyOverThere]

I can't compare to anyone else here, but I'd like to post a bit of my ramblings, as well.

In Elementary school, I was bullied. That's about the worst my life ever got. I was homeschooled in middle school, and then attended a public high school. Once in high school, I did fantastically, socially, academically and partook in many extracurriculars (I played Sweney Todd, my Freshman year and the Phantom of the Opera, my Junior Year. I also played Link in Hairspray, my senior year.) I always had an entourage of friends and I never really got depressed. I liked to play video games with my friends on weekends and that was about it. I had a few girlfriends, but never really cared for any of them.

Then came University. I got into one of the best University's in my state and became a Bio-chem major. The classes were tough, but I managed. I wasn't really as social as I was in high school due to the unfamiliar environment, but I got a nice group of friends ultimately. That's when she came into my life. I met her after spilling root beer on her at a diner and we hit it off right away. We had all of the same interests. We both loved chess, Agatha Christie, Ellery Queen, Neil Gaiman, Fire Emblem, and pretty much anything we could think of. We got so close that we never had awkward silences at one point, we just enjoyed ourselves by being within a few feet of each other.

Soon after, some doctor determined she had aspergers during a checkup (we had been dating for a good four years at this point. I was busily applying for med schools while participating in theatre wherever I could.)

Now, I didn't give one rat's behind whether or not she had anything, I was so head over heels for her that I probably would have loved her even if she suddenly was a man. However, she started to become a huge victim of placebo and suddenly started to become very bi-polar, sometimes convincing herself she could not feel like a regular person due to aspergers. We stayed close, however, but it wasn't long before I found out that her father had taken to heavy drinking and was regularly beating her.

I've never really been an angry person. There was one time I beat up my older brother when he would never stop teasing me as a boy, but that was about it. I didn't really comprehend the anger that came from learning my girlfriend had been withstanding these beatings for months. I went to her house and punched her father, once. It wasn't any brutal beating, it was a clean right hook to the face after shaking his hand. It was a dumb decision, but I don't regret it. He took me to court and I won, while all he got was a free ticket to ten years in prison and a nice separation from his wife.

And my girlfriend and I were happy, I guess. But she was still bi-polar and I suddenly realized that my life seemed like a really shitty soap opera that I didn't want to be the star of. After a six year relationship, I ended it. I went to the medical school I currently attend and told her I couldn't really focus on anything other than my work and our relationship had too many roller coaster-like emotions for me to focus on anything else. We broke up, it was clean.

I already made a post about the next part on this forum, but I'll re-post for clarity.

I had a six year long relationship with a girl who had some form of aspergers. She basically sucked at getting her emotions across like most people would even though she said she cared about me. I guess the mis-communications came to a head and I broke up with her last August (I'm just a stinker, I know.) When we broke up, I was even more convinced it was all cool when she told me she didn't care (again, she sucked at showing her emotions.)

So my friend tells me 4chan made a game and links me to it (yeah yeah I know you guys aren't 4chan, now, you're from it or whatever) and even though I've really only played the no naku koro ni visual novels (and the only anime I've seen is Dragon Ball Z) I was bored on a Saturday night so I read it.

And I read it until I couldn't stop and ended up doing all of the girl's paths. Fun, simple. I was touched by a few, moved by others, unimpressed by some, but we all have our own opinions.

And I didn't even like Rin very much in Act 1. I honestly got her path by accident when I was trying to get Emi's or something (I didn't know flowcharts existed until after I finished KS). Anyway, Rin's personality really reminded me of my ex-girlfriend and I honestly feel like I didn't respect how she felt about the whole situation (I had no intention of getting back together with her, but I felt I should at least call her.) Anyway, I go to her house and knock on her door. Her mother is there (she lived alone.) I ask what's up and the mother tells me my ex-girlfriend has been having panic attacks for months and refused to leave the house and has basically been an emotionally mess. I walk into her room and my ex-girlfriend has a knife to her head, I pull her away and curse her out due to my shock. She says she likes to hold a knife to her head to see if she'll go through with suicide or not. Her mother walks in, sees the scene and bursts into tears.

Anyway, I drove them both to a hospital because my ex-girlfriend needed professional care and she had only seen a doctor once since the panic attacks started and the doctor said she was just recovering from a breakup. It turns out she actually has this really long name for a heart/mind condition that causes her to go clinically insane. Fuck her mother for not getting the attention sooner but that isn't what matters.

Anyway, my point is that I had resolved to never speak to her again, but your game made me feel like I should at least make sure her life has been okay after I left it. If I hadn't been there at that exact moment, maybe she wouldn't have killed herself (she probably wouldn't have to be honest) but maybe she would have.

I'm still in love with her, but I'm not ready to handle that relationship until I get a stable job and I'm not sure I ever will be able to or want to handle all of those emotions.

I hope everyone here with a hurting heart knows that the average person lives until about 83 and most of us here aren't even halfway through that. There's too much in the world that is beautiful to let these sad times judge our life. May you all find your own paths to stability, and may those roads be smooth.

[dunkelfalke]

I hope everyone here with a hurting heart knows that the average person lives until about 83 and most of us here aren't even halfway through that. There's too much in the world that is beautiful to let these sad times judge our life. May you all find your own paths to stability, and may those roads be smooth.

My life expectation is something like 57 and I am halfway through that for sure

[GuyOverThere]

I did say the "average person".

And if you've only got five years left, then that's still enough time to make everything the way you want it to be.

Live every day like it could be your last, because one of these days, it will be.

[danyo]

well, danyo, not only have we got the same girl on the avatar, our situation is very much alike, too, bro.

Hehe, bro's in sorrow huh? I guess misery loves company, maybe we should have a manly picknick or something now?

Please, try to. I wish I were 19 again. Would do everything in a different way and enjoying my youth would be the first change.

Believe me, I want to, but I think that part of the problem is that I have forgotten what it's like to enjoy something. I just have a really hard time with that for some reason. Even my previous hobbies (Magic, video games) started losing their "fun" a long time ago.

I tend to agree, I wish I didn't spend my entire youth on that one girl, it's probably hard to believe but, I wish I could go out again or just go do some activities and maybe perhaps meet new people, but I even feel to old for that already Even though I'm only 25

I hope everyone here with a hurting heart knows that the average person lives until about 83 and most of us here aren't even halfway through that. There's too much in the world that is beautiful to let these sad times judge our life. May you all find your own paths to stability, and may those roads be smooth.

Ugh, I certainly hope not... That's to much time! But, I do appreciate the words though, I do still hope someday things will be better

@danyo: I wish I could help in some way with your relationship stuff, but the only experience I've ever had with rejection was asking a girl to homecoming.

I don't think there's anyone that can help me find closure about that, well... maybe there's one person that could, but I don't ever wanna see or hear her again, I don't think I'd be able to control my anger towards her. I'm long passed being sad about it really, I'm just angry with her for ruining all my dreams and my life.( in 6 years all I thought about in the future included her, when she left, she took everything away from me )

[Exbando]

I know how it is. The only advice I can give you is, try lots and lots of different things out, maybe you actually find something you enjoy. I don't know, maybe playing guitar, maybe going swimming, making photos, whatever you can think of. You've got to find something that can set you to the flow:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29

I think I might have found something. I started tracing stuff about a week ago, and I was definitely feeling something, but I couldn't even describe it to myself. I moved on to drawing, but then I realized that my drawings look like crap, so I very quickly gave up on that. Maybe I should keep at it.

I tried reading that wiki page. I got about a quarter of the way through before thinking "There are some really big words in here."

[dunkelfalke]

Hehe, bro's in sorrow huh? I guess misery loves company, maybe we should have a manly picknick or something now?

No alcohol for me, bro, but thanks anyway. But I am hooked up to tea worse than Lilly

I tend to agree, I wish I didn't spend my entire youth on that one girl, it's probably hard to believe but, I wish I could go out again or just go do some activities and maybe perhaps meet new people, but I even feel to old for that already Even though I'm only 25

Now I feel like an old fart with my 31

[danyo]

Hehe, bro's in sorrow huh? I guess misery loves company, maybe we should have a manly picknick or something now?

No alcohol for me, bro, but thanks anyway. But I am hooked up to tea worse than Lilly

Haha, I'll take some coffee then instead, it'll work aswell right? I only rarely drink myself, and when I do, it's the odd glass of wine or something. ^^

I tend to agree, I wish I didn't spend my entire youth on that one girl, it's probably hard to believe but, I wish I could go out again or just go do some activities and maybe perhaps meet new people, but I even feel to old for that already Even though I'm only 25

Now I feel like an old fart with my 31

Haha, nah, not really, your as old as you feel anyway or something like that. Then again, I probably feel older... Or maybe that's wishful thinking, oh well.

[scorptatious]

I've went through several crushes over the course of my life. And very few of them I actually told them how I felt. Even if I did it never went beyond that point.

Then, there was this one girl back in my senior year of High School. She was a really nice girl, very pretty too. At first all I did was watch her from a distance whenever I saw her. I never did anything beyond that. One day though, we were told to form groups in order to work on special projects. I wounded up being in the same group as her. Soon, we began talking, and then we became friends.

Eventually, I told her how I felt. She took it really well. While we weren't an official couple, I felt that we were close. So I took the next step. I asked her out to the Senior Ball. She replied by saying that she would have to talk to her mom about that. And later she said that she had to find a dress. I waited two weeks for her to tell me she found a dress. Because I couldn't rent a tux until I knew she was going to go with me. Before I knew it it was a week before the ball, and still no confirmation of her getting a dress. I texted her to see if she found one yet. She said she couldn't find one. At that point I just told her that maybe we should just see a movie instead.

She then said she would have to ask her mom about it. So as a result I had to wait and occasionally ask if she had permission. Still no answer. She never gave me a yes or no answer. As a result, we never did go out on a date.

At the time, I thought that maybe she just didn't want a relationship. As all her previous relationships failed. Of course another reason could be I may have said or done something that may have creeped her out. She never did directly reject me or tell me why she didn't want to go out with me. So I'll never know what I did wrong. At the very least, we remained friends throughout the rest of the year.

Six months after I graduated, I later found out she got married to some other guy. Needless to say, I felt like I was played. I felt like she just toyed with me this entire time. Again though, I'll never know what I did wrong.

That's all in the past though. And there's no point dwelling on it. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on.

Frankly though, I don't think I could date a girl even if I wanted too. I don't have a paying job, I don't have a car to take one on a date, not to mention that I'm trying to sort my life out. So I'm not sure if I could handle a relationship at this point. It sort of makes me sad to think about it, as I'm currently infatuated with another girl as I'm typing this.

I know this nearly isn't as sad as some of the other stories that are posted. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.

[Snow_Storm]

I'll just leave this here.

How does it feel (how does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (how does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When youre alone
And youre cold inside

Like stranger in moscow
Like stranger in moscow
Were talkin danger
Were talkin danger, baby
Like stranger in moscow
Were talkin danger
Were talkin danger, baby
Like stranger in moscow
Im livin lonely
Im livin lonely, baby
Stranger in moscow

[micechasekittens]

I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.

I used to mirror Hanako exactly. Though I didn't have any physical scarring, my prominent nose was the center of attention. My peers teased me over it. Been told on a number of occasions when I was little that I'd be cute if not for my big nose. People wouldn't know my name but know me as the big nose girl. In addition, I was always teased due to being quiet and shy. I had rocks thrown at me, been bullied by teachers, and I never could make friends due to moving around so much.

When I was seven, I tried drowning myself only to be resuscitated back to life. That wasn't the last of my attempts. Every few years I'd make another attempt of some time leading up to my hanging when I was a teen (which I had blacked out from).

I fear no one will understand me. My few friends I lost due to being so depressed that it was all too much for them. I feel like I am hideous though I fall head over heels for girls that look like me, long hair, glasses, frail, small chest, and bookwormish style. For a visual image, I look a lot like Yomiko Readman. I only wear skirts and dresses due to wanting to dress as pretty as possible to make up for my ugly nose. Only compliment I receive is the fact that I'm only 50 kg (112 lbs) despite being 5 foot 7, this reinforces my disinterest in eating (my crazy metabolism burns off the two meals a day I eat).

I was always alone and, like Hanako, had my own games to distract myself when I began to feel self conscious and overwhelmed by the world. I loved going on the swings too and still do to this day. I would usually close my eyes and daydream I was someone and somewhere else. Needless to say, that got me teased a lot in elementary because kids assumed that I was scared. I just wanted to block out the world around me. Like Hanako, I retreated to the sanctity of the library. I had a spot right in the non fiction section by the books no one wanted to look at. Being a girl who adored archeology and history didn't win me any friends with my peers. My diary was filled with stories of my plush animals (collectively called the Plushie Brigade) and I having adventures together as they were my only friends. Leaving it in my open backpack in the second grade was a horrible mistake. At least they didn't see the diary I wrote years later about liking other girls.

The most ironic thing is that I fear of letting go of my depression. It is all I know. I've never been a happy or carefree kid so it makes me really sad when I see kids running around so carefree and my peers telling happy stories of their childhoods. Who am I without my depression? It is like a comforting blanket which makes moving past my past difficult. I've made huge steps to no longer have as great as social anxiety. I can even joke about being the princess of social awkwardness now. I tend to push people away though I'm now accepting more invites and stepping out of my comfort zone.

People think my seldom seen smile is really cute, but I hate it because to me it looks like a knowing conniving smirk like I had just slipped poison into someone's drink. I also hate hate hate my voice, it is a bit lower due to my big nose being broken when I was little so I sound chronically sick. People say I have the most soothing voice they have heard, a voice that makes them feel comforted and safe. Wish I could even kinda sing like most girls can which is why I took up piano, all it takes is a tap of a finger to hit notes that my voice never would.

I didn't learn to talk till I was 6 and was even being taught how to learn sign language. Sometimes I wish the doctors kept up that instead of persisting to help me speak. They didn't give up because one of my eyes had a super weak muscle and the other couldn't handle the workload. If I didn't get three major eye surgeries I would have been blind like Lilly by the time I was 10. These events contribute to my feelings of being broken from the very start.

[micechasekittens]

Please, try to. I wish I were 19 again. Would do everything in a different way and enjoying my youth would be the first change.

Believe me, I want to, but I think that part of the problem is that I have forgotten what it's like to enjoy something. I just have a really hard time with that for some reason. Even my previous hobbies (Magic, video games) started losing their "fun" a long time ago.

What has helped me is doing my hobbies even when I didn't feel like it. Pick up something where you are mastering a skill. With piano, my confidence grows with every new piece I learn. I wish I got to learn when I was younger so I have been learning in my 20's and now can even play Howl's Moving Castle theme which seemed like it would never happen when I was learning how to read sheet music (all self taught). Writing has been a wonderful outlet and allowed me to lose myself in my plots than my own drama. After over a decade of submitting stuff to agents and publishers, I finally have a manuscript agents are excited about and I finally got one (my manuscript is at an editor's before being shopped to publishers). These have been helping my recovery process. I used to be a lot like Hanako, but now I'm like her towards the end (still dealing with stuff but there is light at end of tunnel).

Think of it as, sitting at the computer or whatever doing nothing isn't making you feel better. So force yourself to go for a walk, cook something yummy, read a book curled up in blankets with music playing. You will feel better than if you sat around probably browsing the net or watching tv like I used to do. Sure you won't be bouncing with joy, but it is like radiation poisoning in a good way =) the more you do it, the greater the benefit. Exercise like jogging, swimming, riding a bike, playing DDR or Pump It Up gets happy endorphins going which can do wonders for the mood and put you in a mood that will help you enjoy your hobbies more.

[GaseousMask]

Gaseousmask, bullying is maybe still an underestimated problem. I hope that schools these days take bullying more seriously then they did in my youth. When I was bullied and became agressive, I was punished for it, and I felt ashamed so I could not use agression anymore and I was robbed of my only defense. When my father was a kid he was also bullied, but he'd just beat them up and then they'd leave him alone. But when I was a kid that wasn't acceptable anymore. I don't like violence, but if someone is constantly and maliciousy harassingand bullying you, I'd say it may be a neccesary form of self-defense. It seem to me that the more we try to supress physical violence in kids, the more it comes out as psychological violence in stead.

Reading all the people's stories, I can't believe how we can get bullied for the stupidest reasons (my asian eyes, micechasekittens nose and among other things) ,and not only that, it can so easily break someone if it goes for too long without help. Even I had suicidal thoughts around middle school cause I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I was so glad when the middle school bullies were expelled from school, but that was the year i was going to move onto high school, so the damage was already done. In high school, i was happy that my defense against the bully was waived because of all my friends supporting me when the dean came. I only got a day of detention instead of being suspended from school.

[Exbando]

I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.

I'm trying to make an effort to read all of the stories that come up on this thread. I think that the point of this thread is for people to share their stories. I would hope that everyone that comes here would read all of the stories, including yours.

I used to mirror Hanako exactly. Though I didn't have any physical scarring, my prominent nose was the center of attention. My peers teased me over it. Been told on a number of occasions when I was little that I'd be cute if not for my big nose. People wouldn't know my name but know me as the big nose girl. In addition, I was always teased due to being quiet and shy. I had rocks thrown at me, been bullied by teachers, and I never could make friends due to moving around so much.

I know what it's like to have been called names, but I never had rocks thrown at me. I don't know how to react to teachers bullying you. To me, they should lose their jobs for that. As for the moving around, I, again, don't have experience with this(although I did get transferred to a different school between the third and fourth grade).

When I was seven, I tried drowning myself only to be resuscitated back to life. That wasn't the last of my attempts. Every few years I'd make another attempt of some time leading up to my hanging when I was a teen (which I had blacked out from).

I've had thoughts of suicide, but I never went through with them. I'm not sure what else to say here, to be honest.

I fear no one will understand me. My few friends I lost due to being so depressed that it was all too much for them. I feel like I am hideous though I fall head over heels for girls that look like me, long hair, glasses, frail, small chest, and bookwormish style. For a visual image, I look a lot like Yomiko Readman. I only wear skirts and dresses due to wanting to dress as pretty as possible to make up for my ugly nose. Only compliment I receive is the fact that I'm only 50 kg (112 lbs) despite being 5 foot 7, this reinforces my disinterest in eating (my crazy metabolism burns off the two meals a day I eat).

Well, I think that someone here will be able to understand you. If those friends couldn't handle being around you, then I guess that they weren't your friends now, were they? If you do look the way you describe, then you are definitely not hideous. As for your disinterest in eating, I'm not sure what that's like. I am ALWAYS eating something. I even occasionally joke after a homecooked meal with my parents, saying something like, "Yeah, I'm full. Don't worry, though. I'll start eating chips in about ten minutes." I only weigh about 130 lbs at 5 foot 5 1/2.

I was always alone and, like Hanako, had my own games to distract myself when I began to feel self conscious and overwhelmed by the world. I loved going on the swings too and still do to this day. I would usually close my eyes and daydream I was someone and somewhere else. Needless to say, that got me teased a lot in elementary because kids assumed that I was scared. I just wanted to block out the world around me. Like Hanako, I retreated to the sanctity of the library. I had a spot right in the non fiction section by the books no one wanted to look at. Being a girl who adored archeology and history didn't win me any friends with my peers. My diary was filled with stories of my plush animals (collectively called the Plushie Brigade) and I having adventures together as they were my only friends. Leaving it in my open backpack in the second grade was a horrible mistake. At least they didn't see the diary I wrote years later about liking other girls.

I found that there is something about the swings that everybody likes. It's weird, isn't it? I do a lot of daydreaming as well. I think it's the only way I can stay sane when I'm at work. I tried to block out the world in Elementary/Middle school, but it never succeeded, and I never had anywhere to retreat to. I also used to have adventures with my only friends, but I think they were Legos. I tried keeping something like a diary at one point (Yes, I'm a guy, and I tried to have something like a diary. Sue me), but I could never think of anything to write that would even be remotely meaningful that wasn't just me complaining.

The most ironic thing is that I fear of letting go of my depression. It is all I know. I've never been a happy or carefree kid so it makes me really sad when I see kids running around so carefree and my peers telling happy stories of their childhoods. Who am I without my depression? It is like a comforting blanket which makes moving past my past difficult. I've made huge steps to no longer have as great as social anxiety. I can even joke about being the princess of social awkwardness now. I tend to push people away though I'm now accepting more invites and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I think that a couple other people were mentioning this in the previous thread. I think that it is something in human nature to fear change.

People think my seldom seen smile is really cute, but I hate it because to me it looks like a knowing conniving smirk like I had just slipped poison into someone's drink. I also hate hate hate my voice, it is a bit lower due to my big nose being broken when I was little so I sound chronically sick. People say I have the most soothing voice they have heard, a voice that makes them feel comforted and safe. Wish I could even kinda sing like most girls can which is why I took up piano, all it takes is a tap of a finger to hit notes that my voice never would.

I hate my smile. It always looks fake when my mom wants to take a picture of me, so I just go for the Stonewall Jackson look. One thing that I've noticed with voices is that they sound different to you than they do to everyone else (if that makes sense). I only sing when nobody else is around, and I always think that it might cause severe ear damage to those that hear it. I took up the drums in the Marching Band, but, as my instructors would be quick to tell you, I was not good at all.

I didn't learn to talk till I was 6 and was even being taught how to learn sign language. Sometimes I wish the doctors kept up that instead of persisting to help me speak. They didn't give up because one of my eyes had a super weak muscle and the other couldn't handle the workload. If I didn't get three major eye surgeries I would have been blind like Lilly by the time I was 10. These events contribute to my feelings of being broken from the very start.

I didn't talk until I was about 5. I knew how to talk, it's just that my "tr" sounds came out as "f" sounds, so if I said "truck" it would come out slightly different, and my mom and sister decided to not have me talk that much. This drove my dad crazy when I wanted cereal from the top of the fridge, and all I would do was point and go "uhhhh," since I couldn't reach. I think that has something to do with why I don't talk that much now.

I'm not sure if this really helped(I'm new to this "helping other people with their problems" type of thing). If something looks offensive, please know that I had the best intentions at heart, I'm just bad with words(not as bad as Rin, but still pretty bad).

[micechasekittens]

It did help Exbando ^^. My greatest fear is being forgotten hence why I am almost obsessive with trying to get published. So knowing at least someone knows about my experiences makes me feel like I actually exist, if that makes any sense. I also loved playing with my brother's legos. I didn't like Barbie, because how perfect she was and how she represented girls that treated me bad (though I love animal plushies). I would build castle cities for my princess character and change the legs for two pieces to represent dresses as there weren't many girl lego characters. My diary was filled with self loathing and misery plus daydreams of being someone else. Oddly enough, the time when something good happened (my first gf in 8th grade), I stopped writing in it only to return to it when we had to break up due to our families moving.