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Wishing no disrespect, I'm inclined to agree with what many others have said much more eloquently than I could. The revised version reads as a bit more forced.

Pulled back a few of the Rin-isms.

Going to go back over it later with a razor of editing and pare it down to essentials.

Not a huge fan of Rin, but I have to admit. This is pretty adorable.

themocaw wrote:Pulled back a few of the Rin-isms.

Going to go back over it later with a razor of editing and pare it down to essentials.

Ah, no wonder I was wondering what people were talking about. Seemed a good level of Rinish behavior to me. But then, she's my least favorite girl (which means very little really—the difference between 1st & last is pretty small), and I have no clue how to go about writing her. Haven't attempted it yet; probably won't anytime soon.

Reminds me that my last long story was written with the idea of putting two characters together that seemed like an impossible pairing. Then I thought of other so called impossible pairings that hadn't been posted here, and I realized that other than Rin/Emi (and Rin/Hisao), there was nothing pairing Rin. Then I realized I had no idea how to write a story pairing Rin with any of the other girls besides Emi.

Particularly Shizune.

Oh, just remembered there was the beginning of a Rin/Kenji story that had promise. But the author stopped.

"Maybe my feet are fireworks."
Friggin' D'awwwwwwww.

Also, I must say, I personally like the current version as it is, I think it's the perfect balance between the first and second version of the story. The first version was still adorable, but her train of thought seemed a bit too straightforward towards what she was doing. The second version sounds a lot like the way Rin might think, but when written into the story a lot of the repetition and some of the branching off came off as forced, as others have said before. This third version seems to hit the mark just right, at least in my opinion .

I haven't read the former versions, but this was so cute yet Rin-esque...

I really liked the "Hisao is the opposite of rain." line, although it probably would have worked better if you hadn't described what rain was.

Can I have one of the 4 servings not inside Rin or Hisaos' stomache? oh and not from the food on the floor either

Geez, cooking is so much work even for people who don't have to be this creative in getting the task done. It's truely amazing how many dishes can get dirty making just a few plates of food.

A nice and light read. I enjoyed it.

"Hisao is the opposite of rain" I liked that one