I suddenly realize that I haven't commented on this story. And if I haven't commented then that means the author won't know that yet another person enjoys it. And if they don't know that another person enjoys it, then they might not continue it. And if they don't continue it, then it won't be finished. And if it isn't finished, then I will lack "feels".
Long story short, please do continue.
The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
-
Specter Von Baren
- Posts: 34
- Joined: Sun Feb 05, 2012 10:15 pm
- Location: North of south and west of east
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
I'm enjoying this a lot. A bit rough, but there's a lot of appeal here. 
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
I update on weekends.Specter Von Baren wrote:I suddenly realize that I haven't commented on this story. And if I haven't commented then that means the author won't know that yet another person enjoys it. And if they don't know that another person enjoys it, then they might not continue it. And if they don't continue it, then it won't be finished. And if it isn't finished, then I will lack "feels".
Long story short, please do continue.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
looking forward to how this will pan out
It only hurts when I breathe
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
I really loved it. Looking forward to lots more!
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Ok everyone, time for another chapter of stuff.
And are we going to see some romantic scenes from our two lovebirds? No. Not yet.
Oh, and the second chapter has been edited. Nothing new, just some rewording and stuff.
Also, yes, Naomi can sign.
Also, this chapter is rather...rough. You'll probably see what I mean later.
Previous Chapter
+++
Chapter 3: Detour to the Roof
Stepping out into the hallway, I see Hanako standing right next to the door, holding a few plastic bags of unknown origin and design. Tapping her on the shoulder, I ask what was in the bags.
“J-just some food, for us,” She answers.
“Oh, great, I was panicking since I didn’t bring anything to eat,” I reply. “So what did you make?”
“Um, just some—Watch out!”
She suddenly grabs me and pulls me backwards. Before I could ask what was going on, I catch a glimpse of a speeding blur to the side. Turning around, I could see a small girl with twintails skidding to a stop.
“Emi! You’re not supposed to run in the hallway!” I lecture.
“Oh, sorry Hisao. It’s just that I forgot my lunch and Rin’s lunch so now I have to run all the way back to the dorms and back to the rooftop before she gets hungry and wanders away or something.”
Suddenly, she gasps, as if hit by a bolt of lightning. Glancing at me, she innocently pulls up her hand and tilts her head, as if, but not quite, pouting.
“Say, would you two mind keeping Rin company for me? Just until I get some food of course. And it is a very beautiful day.”
“I don’t know,” I reply.
I glance at Hanako, who was fidgeting with her bags of food. She looks a bit unsure for a while, but finally she gives a small nod of agreement.
“Hm, ok, we’ll be there,” I agree.
“Thanks!” She shouts as she runs into the halls once again.
+++
Up on the rooftop, I could see Rin lying on the gravel floor, staring at the sky for reasons unknown, probably strange, and most likely confusing.
“Hey Rin,” I greet.
She…ignores me completely. I’m not even sure if she heard me. Instead, she merely keeps her eyes glued to the clouds above, as if they’re infinitely more interesting than me. I would be insulted if I didn’t know how unique she was.
“A-are you hungry?” Hanako asks, probably wanting to lighten her load a bit.
Immediately, Rin jumps to her feet and turns directly towards us.
“Food?” She asks.
Hanako starts opening up her bags, revealing a few boxes of her mystery lunch. The boxes themselves seem to contain some sort of pasta like mixture. It looks nice, but the smell is quite spicy.
Rin pays the look and the smell no mind as she dexterously grabs a fork. She stabs the fork into the center of the pasta, somehow spins the fork, and brings the pile of pasta to her mouth. Once again, I’m shocked by the pure dexterity such an action required.
“Needs more yogurt,” Rin states before going in for another bite.
After that, Hanako immediately turns around and hands me a box. It was practically identical to Rin’s. Despite Rin devouring her own with surprising gusto, I feel somewhat cautious. I mean, it looks very nice…but I could feel danger.
“Wouldn’t you be hungry then?” I ask.
“It’s fine, Emi should be back any second,” Hanako replies. “And, I don’t want you to go hungry or anything.”
That was probably a very roundabout way to say she wants me to try her food and compliment her.
“Alright then,” I say with a little smile, just before facing the inevitable.
Alright Hisao, time to man up. You’re officially under ‘boyfriend’ status. That means I have to do what all boyfriends must do eventually, eat their girlfriend’s homemade lunch and don’t say anything bad about it.
I raise my fork and plunge into the tangled pasta strands. Turning it around a few times, I manage to gather a suitable pile of pasta. Taking a quick glance up, I could see that Hanako is staring, looking very anxious. I quickly take a bite and…hey this isn’t so bad. It’s pretty go—
oh
oh dear
Oh God this is spicy.
Gah, I need water. I need milk. I need ice cream. I need ice. I need frozen carbon dioxide. GAH! MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE! DAMNIT RIN, WHAT IS YOUR MOUTH MADE OF??!?
“I-is it too spicy?” Hanako asks, sounding slightly dejected.
Hm, it seems as though my trial did leave its marks. Hoping I don’t look too bad, I raise my hand in a thumbs up.
“Just a tiny bit,” I manage to say. “Not even noticeable, but maybe I could use just a tiny bit of water.”
It seems as though she believes me. Maybe. I’m starting to tear up a bit so I can’t exactly see. I wave my hand a bit before it finds the water bottle. I immediately pour the water down my burning throat in an attempt to relieve myself.
“So it is too spicy,” Hanako says, sounding a bit depressed.
“Well, just a tad bit,” I admit. “But the taste is still fine…underneath the spice.”
“I’ll be sure to remember that, but you better stop eating before you burn your mouth off.”
“No, I ca—”
“Hisao, stop it.”
I end up agreeing with her, but that still leaves us with no real food. Luckily, I hear the door behind us swing open and the sound of metal tapping against stone.
“Good news everyone!” Emi says, jumping forward to greet us. “I brought more food!”
I see her drop a few more bags to the floor. Opening them up quickly, she gives a box to Hanako and grabs one for herself. A few minutes later, we all end up eating quietly, with me sharing with Hanako and Emi eating her own lunch. Evidently, Rin had already finished her share and was back to staring at the clouds.
“Hey, why aren’t you eating that?” Emi asks, pointing to the discarded box of solidified fire.
“It’s too spicy,” Hanako mutters. “So we can’t eat it.”
“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad,” Emi says before stabbing a fork into it.
She quickly scoops up a pile and stuffs it down her mouth before I could warn her. A moment later, Emi starts rolling around, cupping her mouth in pain.
“@$#^%!&&$(@_*#*%&@^*%$@*&!!” Emi says in a string of words that would make a veteran collapse in shock.
Emi quickly jumps into her bag of food and pulls out what looks to be a large tub of ice cream. She grabs a spoon and quickly starts stuffing spoonful after spoonful of white into her mouth. She gets through half of the tub before she stops.
“It’s a bit spicy,” Emi says before collapsing onto the floor.
+++
After we were all done eating, Emi starts talking about her ongoing track meets, but I tune out about half of it. No offense to her or anything, but I’m just not all that interested. In fact, I need to worry about other things, like that list. Pulling out that piece of paper Mutou gave me, I start to think about my options.
“Hey, what’s that?” Emi asks, stopping her rant about how the other team was clearly moving before the starting gun was shot…or something.
“This? Just something Mutou gave me. It’s supposed to be a list on what I should do to help me get organized, or something.”
“It’s blank,” Rin states.
“I can see that, I just don’t know what to write down first.”
“Well, it’s obvious what you should write down first,” Emi says, grabbing my pen.
She quickly scribbles the words, ‘stay alive,’ at the very top of the page.
“I mean, you can’t do anything if you’re dead.”
“Thanks for the very helpful advice.”
Still, she has a point. I should have some focus on my health. Maybe I should visit the nurse; I haven’t seen him in a whi…Why is Emi huddled together with Hanako and Rin? Before I could ask them, the Emi suddenly bounces off and confronts me, looking like a predator eying its prey.
“So, have you been getting proper exercise?” She questions.
“I…walk.”
“You walk?”
“In the mornings, yes.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Well, what else have you been doing? Walking is good, but have you been eating right? Is your sleeping ok? Have you used any health-threatening drugs lately?”
“I would think having a heart condition would steer me away from using health-threatening drugs.”
“Hisao, this is serious, you’re in constant danger you know.”
Says the girl who frequently runs around in the hallway.
“I mean, what if some day you end up having a heart attack and you end up in the hospital and no one knows what happened to you? That would be just terrible!”
“Emi, I’m not going to end up in the hospital just because I don’t do enough exercise.”
“Oh, how naïve you are Hisao. Just not doing enough exercise would lead to doing a bit more junk food which leads back to doing even less exercise and back to even more junk food. It’s a vicious cycle!”
“That is a ridiculous slippery slope scenario.”
“So, that means you should run with me in the mornings!” She says, completely ignoring my comment.
“No. That leap of logic was illogical and was not profound. Revise your thesis and try again later.”
“But Hisao, it’s boring in the mornings with no one to run with.”
Suddenly, without any kind of warning whatsoever, she starts to pout. Not just any pout, it was a pout that made it look like I just ran over the concentrated cuteness of a puppy, or something. Gah, that’s not healthy for me. But, unluckily for her, I officially have a girlfriend, so I’m officially immune to her feminine charm.
“Walking is excellent exercise, and my heart condition is not nearly that serious,” I retort.
“Well, then you can walk on the tracks while I run.”
“I still am not going to do it.”
“But what if you wind up dead?”
“I just said that’s an unlikely scenario. I mean, for starters, I haven’t keeled over yet so aggravating the situation would be bad, you hear me, B-A-D”
“But have you been eating well?”
“Um, well, I haven’t been eating horribly.”
“See, right there! Junk food leads to laziness which leads to more junk food and more laziness. A vicious cycle!”
Hm, maybe she does have…no. She won’t get to me. I refuse this insane plot. I mean, it’s nonsense, junk food can’t lead to laziness.
“But, if you agree to this offer, I will cook your lunches for you free of charge.”
Hm, that doesn’t sound too bad actually. But alas, I have a—
“And, if you agree now, not only will be able to receive healthy, high quality lunches made by me, but also your girlfriend here.”
…Wha?
I look and see that Hanako was also pouting along with Emi, hands clasped and looking at me as though she was an orphan asking for more food.
Suddenly, I understand why they were huddled up before.
I resist, turning my eyes away from the heart aching sight. I must stay strong. I can’t just hand over my precious mornings to them, despite the free food.
“I wouldn’t want to burden either of you,” I reply. “I can get my own food.”
“Y-you don’t want to eat my lunch?” Hanako asks, sounding dejected.
Gah, no, bad choice, bad choice. Have to come up with suitable reason.
“Well…I mean, it’s a bad time right? I’m fairly sure exams are looming and you two making my lunches would eat up that time,” I say, confident in my logical rebuttal.
“Ah, my naïve Hisao, she’ll have me to help!” Emi exclaims, almost ruining her puppy pout thing she has going on. “So…mornings, coming?”
“I can’t,” I state firmly.
I refuse to budge, like a rock or a mountain. Just to prove it, I look forward, fully prepared for any sort of—They got Rin too.
“Rin? Why are you doing that?” I question, backing away from the pouting trio.
“Emi said she’d give me a strawberry,” She answers.
The three resume pouting and looking up at just the right angle and somehow their eyes turn large and adorable and now I feel as though I ran over three puppies and I can’t take it. I physically recoil at the sight, back straining against the wall. Damnit God, this is unfair. Now I know why Kenji is so adamant about his feminist conspiracy scenarios. Their insidious natures truly show during these times.
“So, are you going to run with me in the mornings?” Emi asks.
“Yes, fine,” I agree quickly.
“And eat the breakfast, lunch, and diner I’ll make for you?” Hanako asks.
“Fi—wait, what? No, I can’t let you do all that just for me, even if it would be good for my health.”
She tilts her head upward just a tiny bit more and adjusts her posture, leaning in a bit more against me. Somehow, it made her look three times as cute. With that, a metaphorical hand of kindness burst through my guard.
“Ok, ok, I’ll eat.”
“And will you come see us at the track meet?” Miki asks.
“Ok—Wait. Miki?! What are you doing here?”
I look up to see Miki, also pouting for some reason. Luckily, Miki always struck me as the sexy rather than the cute type so her pout isn’t nearly as damaging.
“Well, I saw Emi rush up stairs and thought something fun was happening. And it is!” She says a bit too ecstatically. “So, are you gonna come to the track meet this Sunday?”
“No, I’m a bit busy.”
“Hm, Emi, am I doing something wrong?” Miki asks.
Emi walks over and whispers something in Miki’s ear. Miki seems to brighten up and repositions herself. Now, she was looking far more attractive.
…and I should be having a heart attack any time now.
“Ok, ok, I give, just stop!” I shout before collapsing to the ground.
“…Sorry Hanako, I think we broke your boyfriend"
+++
Next Chapter
+++
I apologize, but the good chapter I planned out in my head was somewhat lost to the ravages of a fickle, forgetful mind. I hope it isn't too bad but I understand if you think it's down in quality. However, if you like it, that's good. If you think it's bad due to this statement, then you have no backbone and merely agree to what I am saying. If you're going to offer good words that do not genuinely reflect on how you yourself feel, then shut it.
EDIT (03/04/12): Ok, fixed a few things, and tried to give a more hesitant Hanako a try. Well, 'try' being the key word here.
And are we going to see some romantic scenes from our two lovebirds? No. Not yet.
Oh, and the second chapter has been edited. Nothing new, just some rewording and stuff.
Also, yes, Naomi can sign.
Also, this chapter is rather...rough. You'll probably see what I mean later.
Previous Chapter
+++
Chapter 3: Detour to the Roof
Stepping out into the hallway, I see Hanako standing right next to the door, holding a few plastic bags of unknown origin and design. Tapping her on the shoulder, I ask what was in the bags.
“J-just some food, for us,” She answers.
“Oh, great, I was panicking since I didn’t bring anything to eat,” I reply. “So what did you make?”
“Um, just some—Watch out!”
She suddenly grabs me and pulls me backwards. Before I could ask what was going on, I catch a glimpse of a speeding blur to the side. Turning around, I could see a small girl with twintails skidding to a stop.
“Emi! You’re not supposed to run in the hallway!” I lecture.
“Oh, sorry Hisao. It’s just that I forgot my lunch and Rin’s lunch so now I have to run all the way back to the dorms and back to the rooftop before she gets hungry and wanders away or something.”
Suddenly, she gasps, as if hit by a bolt of lightning. Glancing at me, she innocently pulls up her hand and tilts her head, as if, but not quite, pouting.
“Say, would you two mind keeping Rin company for me? Just until I get some food of course. And it is a very beautiful day.”
“I don’t know,” I reply.
I glance at Hanako, who was fidgeting with her bags of food. She looks a bit unsure for a while, but finally she gives a small nod of agreement.
“Hm, ok, we’ll be there,” I agree.
“Thanks!” She shouts as she runs into the halls once again.
+++
Up on the rooftop, I could see Rin lying on the gravel floor, staring at the sky for reasons unknown, probably strange, and most likely confusing.
“Hey Rin,” I greet.
She…ignores me completely. I’m not even sure if she heard me. Instead, she merely keeps her eyes glued to the clouds above, as if they’re infinitely more interesting than me. I would be insulted if I didn’t know how unique she was.
“A-are you hungry?” Hanako asks, probably wanting to lighten her load a bit.
Immediately, Rin jumps to her feet and turns directly towards us.
“Food?” She asks.
Hanako starts opening up her bags, revealing a few boxes of her mystery lunch. The boxes themselves seem to contain some sort of pasta like mixture. It looks nice, but the smell is quite spicy.
Rin pays the look and the smell no mind as she dexterously grabs a fork. She stabs the fork into the center of the pasta, somehow spins the fork, and brings the pile of pasta to her mouth. Once again, I’m shocked by the pure dexterity such an action required.
“Needs more yogurt,” Rin states before going in for another bite.
After that, Hanako immediately turns around and hands me a box. It was practically identical to Rin’s. Despite Rin devouring her own with surprising gusto, I feel somewhat cautious. I mean, it looks very nice…but I could feel danger.
“Wouldn’t you be hungry then?” I ask.
“It’s fine, Emi should be back any second,” Hanako replies. “And, I don’t want you to go hungry or anything.”
That was probably a very roundabout way to say she wants me to try her food and compliment her.
“Alright then,” I say with a little smile, just before facing the inevitable.
Alright Hisao, time to man up. You’re officially under ‘boyfriend’ status. That means I have to do what all boyfriends must do eventually, eat their girlfriend’s homemade lunch and don’t say anything bad about it.
I raise my fork and plunge into the tangled pasta strands. Turning it around a few times, I manage to gather a suitable pile of pasta. Taking a quick glance up, I could see that Hanako is staring, looking very anxious. I quickly take a bite and…hey this isn’t so bad. It’s pretty go—
oh
oh dear
Oh God this is spicy.
Gah, I need water. I need milk. I need ice cream. I need ice. I need frozen carbon dioxide. GAH! MY TONGUE IS ON FIRE! DAMNIT RIN, WHAT IS YOUR MOUTH MADE OF??!?
“I-is it too spicy?” Hanako asks, sounding slightly dejected.
Hm, it seems as though my trial did leave its marks. Hoping I don’t look too bad, I raise my hand in a thumbs up.
“Just a tiny bit,” I manage to say. “Not even noticeable, but maybe I could use just a tiny bit of water.”
It seems as though she believes me. Maybe. I’m starting to tear up a bit so I can’t exactly see. I wave my hand a bit before it finds the water bottle. I immediately pour the water down my burning throat in an attempt to relieve myself.
“So it is too spicy,” Hanako says, sounding a bit depressed.
“Well, just a tad bit,” I admit. “But the taste is still fine…underneath the spice.”
“I’ll be sure to remember that, but you better stop eating before you burn your mouth off.”
“No, I ca—”
“Hisao, stop it.”
I end up agreeing with her, but that still leaves us with no real food. Luckily, I hear the door behind us swing open and the sound of metal tapping against stone.
“Good news everyone!” Emi says, jumping forward to greet us. “I brought more food!”
I see her drop a few more bags to the floor. Opening them up quickly, she gives a box to Hanako and grabs one for herself. A few minutes later, we all end up eating quietly, with me sharing with Hanako and Emi eating her own lunch. Evidently, Rin had already finished her share and was back to staring at the clouds.
“Hey, why aren’t you eating that?” Emi asks, pointing to the discarded box of solidified fire.
“It’s too spicy,” Hanako mutters. “So we can’t eat it.”
“Oh come on, it can’t be that bad,” Emi says before stabbing a fork into it.
She quickly scoops up a pile and stuffs it down her mouth before I could warn her. A moment later, Emi starts rolling around, cupping her mouth in pain.
“@$#^%!&&$(@_*#*%&@^*%$@*&!!” Emi says in a string of words that would make a veteran collapse in shock.
Emi quickly jumps into her bag of food and pulls out what looks to be a large tub of ice cream. She grabs a spoon and quickly starts stuffing spoonful after spoonful of white into her mouth. She gets through half of the tub before she stops.
“It’s a bit spicy,” Emi says before collapsing onto the floor.
+++
After we were all done eating, Emi starts talking about her ongoing track meets, but I tune out about half of it. No offense to her or anything, but I’m just not all that interested. In fact, I need to worry about other things, like that list. Pulling out that piece of paper Mutou gave me, I start to think about my options.
“Hey, what’s that?” Emi asks, stopping her rant about how the other team was clearly moving before the starting gun was shot…or something.
“This? Just something Mutou gave me. It’s supposed to be a list on what I should do to help me get organized, or something.”
“It’s blank,” Rin states.
“I can see that, I just don’t know what to write down first.”
“Well, it’s obvious what you should write down first,” Emi says, grabbing my pen.
She quickly scribbles the words, ‘stay alive,’ at the very top of the page.
“I mean, you can’t do anything if you’re dead.”
“Thanks for the very helpful advice.”
Still, she has a point. I should have some focus on my health. Maybe I should visit the nurse; I haven’t seen him in a whi…Why is Emi huddled together with Hanako and Rin? Before I could ask them, the Emi suddenly bounces off and confronts me, looking like a predator eying its prey.
“So, have you been getting proper exercise?” She questions.
“I…walk.”
“You walk?”
“In the mornings, yes.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Well, what else have you been doing? Walking is good, but have you been eating right? Is your sleeping ok? Have you used any health-threatening drugs lately?”
“I would think having a heart condition would steer me away from using health-threatening drugs.”
“Hisao, this is serious, you’re in constant danger you know.”
Says the girl who frequently runs around in the hallway.
“I mean, what if some day you end up having a heart attack and you end up in the hospital and no one knows what happened to you? That would be just terrible!”
“Emi, I’m not going to end up in the hospital just because I don’t do enough exercise.”
“Oh, how naïve you are Hisao. Just not doing enough exercise would lead to doing a bit more junk food which leads back to doing even less exercise and back to even more junk food. It’s a vicious cycle!”
“That is a ridiculous slippery slope scenario.”
“So, that means you should run with me in the mornings!” She says, completely ignoring my comment.
“No. That leap of logic was illogical and was not profound. Revise your thesis and try again later.”
“But Hisao, it’s boring in the mornings with no one to run with.”
Suddenly, without any kind of warning whatsoever, she starts to pout. Not just any pout, it was a pout that made it look like I just ran over the concentrated cuteness of a puppy, or something. Gah, that’s not healthy for me. But, unluckily for her, I officially have a girlfriend, so I’m officially immune to her feminine charm.
“Walking is excellent exercise, and my heart condition is not nearly that serious,” I retort.
“Well, then you can walk on the tracks while I run.”
“I still am not going to do it.”
“But what if you wind up dead?”
“I just said that’s an unlikely scenario. I mean, for starters, I haven’t keeled over yet so aggravating the situation would be bad, you hear me, B-A-D”
“But have you been eating well?”
“Um, well, I haven’t been eating horribly.”
“See, right there! Junk food leads to laziness which leads to more junk food and more laziness. A vicious cycle!”
Hm, maybe she does have…no. She won’t get to me. I refuse this insane plot. I mean, it’s nonsense, junk food can’t lead to laziness.
“But, if you agree to this offer, I will cook your lunches for you free of charge.”
Hm, that doesn’t sound too bad actually. But alas, I have a—
“And, if you agree now, not only will be able to receive healthy, high quality lunches made by me, but also your girlfriend here.”
…Wha?
I look and see that Hanako was also pouting along with Emi, hands clasped and looking at me as though she was an orphan asking for more food.
Suddenly, I understand why they were huddled up before.
I resist, turning my eyes away from the heart aching sight. I must stay strong. I can’t just hand over my precious mornings to them, despite the free food.
“I wouldn’t want to burden either of you,” I reply. “I can get my own food.”
“Y-you don’t want to eat my lunch?” Hanako asks, sounding dejected.
Gah, no, bad choice, bad choice. Have to come up with suitable reason.
“Well…I mean, it’s a bad time right? I’m fairly sure exams are looming and you two making my lunches would eat up that time,” I say, confident in my logical rebuttal.
“Ah, my naïve Hisao, she’ll have me to help!” Emi exclaims, almost ruining her puppy pout thing she has going on. “So…mornings, coming?”
“I can’t,” I state firmly.
I refuse to budge, like a rock or a mountain. Just to prove it, I look forward, fully prepared for any sort of—They got Rin too.
“Rin? Why are you doing that?” I question, backing away from the pouting trio.
“Emi said she’d give me a strawberry,” She answers.
The three resume pouting and looking up at just the right angle and somehow their eyes turn large and adorable and now I feel as though I ran over three puppies and I can’t take it. I physically recoil at the sight, back straining against the wall. Damnit God, this is unfair. Now I know why Kenji is so adamant about his feminist conspiracy scenarios. Their insidious natures truly show during these times.
“So, are you going to run with me in the mornings?” Emi asks.
“Yes, fine,” I agree quickly.
“And eat the breakfast, lunch, and diner I’ll make for you?” Hanako asks.
“Fi—wait, what? No, I can’t let you do all that just for me, even if it would be good for my health.”
She tilts her head upward just a tiny bit more and adjusts her posture, leaning in a bit more against me. Somehow, it made her look three times as cute. With that, a metaphorical hand of kindness burst through my guard.
“Ok, ok, I’ll eat.”
“And will you come see us at the track meet?” Miki asks.
“Ok—Wait. Miki?! What are you doing here?”
I look up to see Miki, also pouting for some reason. Luckily, Miki always struck me as the sexy rather than the cute type so her pout isn’t nearly as damaging.
“Well, I saw Emi rush up stairs and thought something fun was happening. And it is!” She says a bit too ecstatically. “So, are you gonna come to the track meet this Sunday?”
“No, I’m a bit busy.”
“Hm, Emi, am I doing something wrong?” Miki asks.
Emi walks over and whispers something in Miki’s ear. Miki seems to brighten up and repositions herself. Now, she was looking far more attractive.
…and I should be having a heart attack any time now.
“Ok, ok, I give, just stop!” I shout before collapsing to the ground.
“…Sorry Hanako, I think we broke your boyfriend"
+++
Next Chapter
+++
I apologize, but the good chapter I planned out in my head was somewhat lost to the ravages of a fickle, forgetful mind. I hope it isn't too bad but I understand if you think it's down in quality. However, if you like it, that's good. If you think it's bad due to this statement, then you have no backbone and merely agree to what I am saying. If you're going to offer good words that do not genuinely reflect on how you yourself feel, then shut it.
EDIT (03/04/12): Ok, fixed a few things, and tried to give a more hesitant Hanako a try. Well, 'try' being the key word here.
Last edited by tony246 on Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
I loved the whole pout trio that Emi had going on. It was a tad out there, but it seemed in-character for Hanako since she was genuinely concerned for Hisao's health, and for Rin since she had to be bribed to do it. A little extreme, but definitely funny.
Hanako does seem a little too sociable given how soon after her ending this all occurs, but I'd say you pulled it all off pretty well.
Hanako does seem a little too sociable given how soon after her ending this all occurs, but I'd say you pulled it all off pretty well.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
It's okay when the protag talks to himself, but this kind of writing makes it seem like he's talking to you, the reader. That is the job of the author, not the protagonist. I had in mind a different way you could write this part, but I lost it.“Owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie, owwie!” Emi says. Ok, not really, but I’m censoring it. What she said in that short time frame would cause elderly veterans to react in shock.
And this is just pointlessly nitpicky, but using asterisks for breaks really threw me off here. With the previous mention of cursing and swearing, I counted three asterisks and immediately heard the Angry Video Game Nerd yell "ASS!" in my head. If I were you, I'd use something else, including but not limited to:“It’s a bit spicy,” Emi says before collapsing onto the floor.
***
After we were all done eating,
•••
°°°
♥♥♥
And this seemed kind of out of character for Hana. The devs pretty clearly tried to not make her a total moeblob, and that's not particularly consistent with pouting and asking innocent questions like this. Maybe some kind of dejected head-hanging would have been more in line with what she would do at this point in time, even if it is pretend. Now, I don't have any quarrels with how you would characterize her long after she'd broken out of her shell *wink wink nudge nudge*, but I don't think the ending we saw in KS would permit the interpretation that it had happened to this degree already.I look and see that Hanako was also pouting along with Emi, hands clasped and looking at me as though she was an orphan asking for more food. Oh God, I can’t take it. It’s like they’re trying to kill me. I look away as soon as I can.
“Y-you don’t want to eat my lunch?” Hanako asks.
Anyway, those are the only parts that jumped out to me, and the rest of it sucked because you said so.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Ah, I knew this chapter was too unfiltered. I'll see what I can do.Brogurt wrote:
Legitimate criticism
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Wait... Rin actually knows how to pout and make "puppy eyes"? 
Okay, okay. I'm serious now. Sort of.
The whole pout trio had me laughing a bit too, even though I wondered if Rin would actually be able to pull that off. (I'm still in progress with her route though, and until now she looks/acts rather "indifferent" most of the time)
And alas, poor Hisao, having to go through that.
)
Oh, and I agree with what Brogurt said about Hisao's thoughts on Emi's swearing, breaking the fourth wall etc.
Okay, okay. I'm serious now. Sort of.
The whole pout trio had me laughing a bit too, even though I wondered if Rin would actually be able to pull that off. (I'm still in progress with her route though, and until now she looks/acts rather "indifferent" most of the time)
And alas, poor Hisao, having to go through that.
This part reminds me of "canon" KS's Hisao's thoughts: "I think I broke Misha". (when she asks him for some help, and after he agrees, she automatically assumes he didn't, and starts trying to convince him, then realisation hits her, she stops, and gets the "blue screen of death"“…Sorry Hanako, I think we broke your boyfriend"
)Oh, and I agree with what Brogurt said about Hisao's thoughts on Emi's swearing, breaking the fourth wall etc.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Other than Hanako being too sociable, I like the fluff. Perhaps having Hanako trying to fit in nervously would be better than her just auto fitting in. Perhaps a few weeks of continued exposure to the other girls would get Hanako start acting like that around them. Still it's nice to see some advancing through the normal school day stuff.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Update everyone:
Ok, chapter...right...Um, I have no excuse. Sorry, but I'll just have to give everyone two chapters on Saturday. I just can't really think of what to do in the student council room right now and if I go at it like I did the rooftop scene, it might end up a mess again.
Oh, speaking of which, I've updated the third chapter so if you like you can re-read it again and review.
Also speaking of which, Hanako's possible OOC ness in this fic. Well, after reviewing Lilly's path and Hanako's path, I got the feeling if merely leaving her alone got her motivated to go out and even join the newspaper club, then maybe having a more concrete motivation to be sociable would jumpstart that process. Or something. Maybe. Well, I didn't want Hanako's character development in game to do a U-turn and I have issues in the middle ground transition states so I should might as well jump ahead, right? Anyways, this story isn't quite about overcoming internal issues anyways, it's about the good feeling stuff that you feel after it happens. Or something. Maybe. Well, just bare with me here, I did say that this fic was going to be fluffy after all.
Ok, chapter...right...Um, I have no excuse. Sorry, but I'll just have to give everyone two chapters on Saturday. I just can't really think of what to do in the student council room right now and if I go at it like I did the rooftop scene, it might end up a mess again.
Oh, speaking of which, I've updated the third chapter so if you like you can re-read it again and review.
Also speaking of which, Hanako's possible OOC ness in this fic. Well, after reviewing Lilly's path and Hanako's path, I got the feeling if merely leaving her alone got her motivated to go out and even join the newspaper club, then maybe having a more concrete motivation to be sociable would jumpstart that process. Or something. Maybe. Well, I didn't want Hanako's character development in game to do a U-turn and I have issues in the middle ground transition states so I should might as well jump ahead, right? Anyways, this story isn't quite about overcoming internal issues anyways, it's about the good feeling stuff that you feel after it happens. Or something. Maybe. Well, just bare with me here, I did say that this fic was going to be fluffy after all.
Last edited by tony246 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 8:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm not good with this sort of thing, so I"m just going to say it here:
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Thank you, Four Leaf Studios.
That is all.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Hey, just roll with it.
It's anything but terrible right now, so I imagine that it's hard to go wrong. Take your time.
It's anything but terrible right now, so I imagine that it's hard to go wrong. Take your time.
"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love." -Stendhal
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
It works better now actually. I think it's about as good as it gets without changing the whole scene of everyone puppy dog begging him to exercise. I get you were going for cutesy, which is a nice change of pace.tony246 wrote:Also speaking of which, Hanako's possible OOC ness in this fic. Well, after reviewing Lily's path and Hanako's path, I got the feeling if merely leaving her alone got her motivated to go out and even join the newspaper club, then maybe having a more concrete motivation to be sociable would jumpstart that process. Or something. Maybe. Well, I didn't want Hanako's character development in game to do a U-turn and I have issues in the middle ground transition states so I should might as well jump ahead, right? Anyways, this story isn't quite about overcoming internal issues anyways, it's about the good feeling stuff that you feel after it happens. Or something. Maybe. Well, just bare with me here, I did say that this fic was going to be fluffy after all.
If I were me writing, I'd have Emi whisper to Hanako that she should get him to go exercise in the mornings so that she(Hanako) wouldn't have to worry so much about his health. It'd play out something like:
Sliced in after
“And, if you agree now, not only will be able to receive healthy, high quality lunches made by me, but also your girlfriend here.”
I'd leave Emi helping Hanako cook a secret or a surprise for later, mostly just so Emi could mess with Hisao in the present.
Not liking my reaction, Emi whispers into Hanako's ear again.
Hanako was stunned, then stares at Emi with those analytical looking eyes of hers. She nods to Emi and gives her a meek smile. "Y-You're right Emi... G-give me a moment."
While grabbing my hand Hanako, with an odd mix of concern and determination on her face says,"Follow me."
She leads me to the far end of the roof away from Emi and Rin. Stopping out of earshot she looks at me with that same expression as before.
"Hisao... You've tried to be light hearted about about your condition before... like at the restaurant in town. I.. don't like it when you take your life jokingly."
I reflexively grimace remembering her reaction at that time.
"Please don't take it lightly, and take your health seriously..."
She's shaking and.. Oh no. It looks like she's about to cry.
"Hanako I-"
"No Hisao! I already lost two people I love. The thought of losing you because of you neglected your health to be with me would be too much."
I'm dumbstruck! What's she mean? This almost sounds like a break up.
"What do you mean Han-"
She raises her hand shakily for silence before I can finish asking. After a minute of collecting herself, she looks at me with determination in her eyes.
"Promise me... Promise me you'll exercise with Emi in the morning."
I let out a great sigh of relief. I didn't think Hanako was that concerned, but apparently I was wrong. Suddenly running with Emi didn't seem nearly as bad as the alternatives. I quickly grab her into a hug. I say into her hear.
"If that's all it takes to to alleviate some of your worries about me, I think I can handle that."
After rubbing off her tears on my shoulder she squeezes me tighter, and whispers in my ear.
"Thank you Hisao."
A few minutes later we collect our selves and head back to Emi and Rin.
"Emi, I will take you up on your offer for morning exercise."
After bouncing up and down a few time excitedly like a rabbit Emi grabs Hanako's left hand.
"I knew you could get him to do it Hanako!" She says beaming.
Hanako is startled and visibly nervous about the sudden contact. She closes her eyes for a moment. Opening them visibly calmer, she smiles back to Emi.
"T-thank you."
Sheepishly Emi turns to look at me.
"Prepare yourself Hisao!"
I sigh defeated... What a minute...
"What about the food?"
Emi looks at me with a devilish smile.
"I think I'll leave that to your girlfriend there. Especially since you didn't take my offer earlier."
I really want to groan now remembering the pasta, but I better not. I look at Hanako timidly.
"I'm in your care."
Emi winks slyly at Hanako, while Rin is still staring at the clouds.
Might just be a taste thing, but I thought drama would motivate Hisao more than comedy cuteness.
Seems I rewrote the whole scene lol. I really didn't mean to. My mind just kinda went. Bout as close as I plan to get to writing a fanfic lol. Though I'm more use to novel style than VN/script style <.<
You're working a day or two after the good end of Hanako's, so I don't think Hanako would magically get better over night. I do think she would be able to be completely comfortable around Hisao, and tell him what's on her mind(and she states as much in her ending). It'll take time and effort for her to work on it with others, but Hisao being that strong of an anchor could move her to try harder and show him she can handle it. Also Lily's end(post summer break) is farther down the line than you currently are. ATM, she's still off on her first trip to Scotland. It'll be amusing how you decide to write Lily's return.
Only way to get better at what you're bad at is to practice. Don't go letting it atrophy. Plenty of people around willing to help.
Re: The Road of Adulthood (Post Hanako Good End)
Just something I'd like to throw out, but I think that you might be thinking of Hanako's sociability as if it were a linear 1D spectrum instead of a planar 2D or even a 3D one. What I'm saying is that she can still be nice and social, but without mimicking Emi or someone else. What I'd like is to see something where she's still distinctly Hanako, but still confident and outgoing, like if she were to be able to take a look at her past and laugh at it.