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Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 1:12 pm
by Eprlide
Alright, a few changes have been made to part 5. Also, a few things. The diary/log entries are right now just a set up, much like Act 1 itself. This is the set-up act, and I plan to have a lot more conflict/action with the acts to come. I've already spent my time in the realm of Mary-Sue's, and this is just a mere reflection of myself a bit. I really can't spoil anything right now, but I know what I'm doing, and I have some plans already for the conflicts to come and the inevitable conclusion to the story. The diary/log entries will have more purpose as time goes on, but again, telling it right now would be spoilers.

I might be taking the weekend off since my family is more or less stoked for the Super Bowl. I'll see if I can get anything in or not.
Greyfox wrote:Shouldn't Lilly be the one to make the tea?
Crap. I had the scene set in mind but I mixed up the names, another bad habit of mine. Edited.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 1:14 pm
by Greyfox
Shouldn't Lilly be the one to make the tea?

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 4:51 pm
by Eprlide
(Alright, I've decided to take the weekend off due to preparation for Super Bowl Sunday, but not without a teaser of what's to come!)

Log seven.

I have overextended my bounds here, and things are beginning to mentally effect me already. I thought I was ready for change, a new way to live life, but I was wrong. Today was a solid staple of that. I still can't believe what I actually did. The laws of entropy are as true as always, that it's easier and faster for things to go into chaos and disorder then it is to make things orderly. But what am I to do now? I always thought that a steady ground was needed first before moving on, but I felt like today I could brush that thought aside. I wish today could restart, like some sort of a game. Just go back to the morning, and with the knowledge of what was to happen today, take everything much more slowly. Of course, life doesn't work like that, and now I'm feeling very low. I tried to sprint up a rugged hill, broke my ankle and came tumbling down with more injuries then I thought possible. That didn't happen, of course, but I can't find any proper words.

I'm not sure if any of them can forgive me. I'm still at the school, along with the rest of them, and tomorrow is the festival. My teacher said that since my condition is how it is, I don't need to work at the booth. But, then what? What is there to do tomorrow? A big, no, tremendous part of me wants to just stay in my room all day, doing whatever it takes for the day to end. But I don't think time is going to cure these wounds. I need to do something and regain my momentum. Then there comes a question on who to start with. Rin? She might accept me back, but I really have no clue. Rin is Rin. That's what I like about her, but also what confuses and scares me at the same time. I know for sure that I'm going to need Lilly's help with Hanako, but that also implies that I will need to apologize to her first. Out of all of them, Lilly might be the easiest, but I won't know until I try.

I don't like doing these types of things, especially considering how I am right now, but I know these are things that need to be done. This is just a part of life, right? Everyone has their low points, and I for one don't want to know how low I can go. I already feel pretty terrible. Change has been more painful then I thought, but I hope in the end I will become a better person. For now, I need to think on how to approach them tomorrow.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:58 am
by Eprlide
(So apparently "weekend" meant Monday to. Here is the beginning of act two!)

Act two: Moonlight. Part 1: Real Friends.

*SLAM*

A sound of a door being swung shut jolts me out of my sleep, and a quick gaze reminds me that I had locked my own door the night before. Damn neighbor, he was talking non-stop about the festival, and now he's going to be exploding with energy now that the day is here. Oh right... the festival. A part of me just want myself to be strapped to the bed and be stuck here for the day, but I know better then that. I NEED to apologize for the wrongs I had done the day before, and it's best to do it face-to-face. But I needed a game plan, so I decide to peruse over my mental plan to get my mind straight, all while getting ready for the day itself.

By the time I'm done drying myself off of water, I have a good idea of what to do. After putting on my normal set of school clothes, along with a new pair of white cotton gloves I got on Thursday, I head out straight into the fray of the festival. It's not packed, but pretty crowded nonetheless. I know my first target, and after a few scans and walks through the crowd, I find our stall, and the one I'm looking for. Lilly is working as best as she can with the rest of the group gathered there. I manage to get behind the counter, when the teacher spots me and walks straight for me.

"Hey, I told you that you didn't need to work given your condition."

"I know that..." I take a short breath before going on. "I just need to talk to someone here." Almost on que, I spot Lilly turning her head to our direction. Either I was talking louder then I think I was, or she can already figure out my voice from the others. The teacher nods and walks off, and a few seconds later Lilly takes his place.

"Kezukio..." I remain silent, preparing for whatever she might say. "I thought you would be one to apologize." A compliment on my kindness is rewarded with a smile from us both.

"I guess it really wasn't to hard to guess. But yea, I feel pretty bad about what I did yesterday. I tried my best to adapt quickly to the school, but I jumped the gun there and forgot what the school is really about, and what it means for her." The smile fades a bit on my part, but Lilly seems to be understanding my point. "But I wanted to apologize to you first, not only because you were my first friend, but also because you're Hanako's best friend, and I think I might need your help to apologize to her." Lilly's next facial expression shows her distaste for my idea.

"No no, Kezukio. I think it's best if you did this alone with her. I think if you approached her on your own accord without me, she would be more open to talking back to you rather then just going to me." Although her words speak some truth, something is getting on my nerves a bit.

"But this means she talked to you about what I... did." She sighs and nods.

"Yes. she did, and was quite upset with it."

"See, that's where I'm going with this. I already messed up things pretty badly with her just because I wanted to know her a bit better, and I just think going in alone will make her think I am just trying to be more persistent, like I didn't change. I want to change, Lilly, but it might not be something I can do alone. I tried pushing myself to be someone better, but... I went somewhere that I wasn't permitted to go yet in the process."
"Has Hanako always been shy?" The question seems pretty blank, but Lilly just nods. There few people in the classroom are leaving for the day, and both me and Lilly are just sitting and talking.

"When she found out I was blind, she took a better liking to me because I didn't judge her like the others. I didn't know how she was until she told me, but even then, I was polite about it." She too now stands and begins to pack up her belongings. With the afternoon classes over, I am currently hoping to get to know Hanako a bit better, unaware of how badly it would go.

"Like you can't judge me with my own condition. But that's not what I'm going for here." I take a moment to breathe before speaking again. "I just want to know Hanako a bit better, thats all." Lilly's face seems in thought, and at the same time we both rise from our desks.

"You need to be cautious, and patient. Hanako is not one to let her personal life free to someone she barely knows. A forward, direct approach isn't going to abide well with her." With my confidence of knowing who she is already going through the roof, I just pass this information off as repetitive. Oh, how I should have listened...

"Okay, I get it. I'll catch you later, Lilly." I begin to make my way to the door, a stride with every step I take.

"Bye, but do be careful..." Her final warning goes in one ear and out the other, myself already walking at a quick pace to the library...
"I should have taken your advice, so I thought that since you know her better then me by far, that you could help me rekindle with Hanako by reassuring her, or something..." Lilly looks away a, disappointed in my persistence to go with my original plan.

"You should just talk with her yourself, first. If thing's don't work, then I'll help, alright? I need to help run the booth here." The booth actually looks to be doing fine, but since it's still a bit early it can change. Now it's my turn to sigh.

"Alright. I will try on my own, Lilly. Best you get back to the booth then." The confrontation seems to have lost its original intention, and as she walks back to the booth after wishing me luck, I turn away from her a bit bitter. I know where to go next, and I just pray to myself that the rest go better then this. Some food should be good first, though. I am quite hungry.

-------

Out of the few times when I wasn't with Lilly or Hanako, and whenever she too was working on it, I would offer my help to Rin with the mural. I was foolish back then, now that I look on it. I was trying to do several things at one time to try and get along with almost everyone I met. Of course, it didn't work out and everything slipped yesterday. Today, though, was a day to change some things, even if they were minor, so still ready for anything that might come even with my already bitter attitude, I approach the girl sitting down near the mural, whose gaze sticks onto me once I come into her view.

"Hello." She seems bitter as well just from her voice, and her expression only adds to that.

"Hi. Do you mind if I sit here for a while? I need to eat this food." Her eyes narrow a bit, trying to read the face partly hidden by the sunglasses over my face, even though it's evident by the small bowl in my hands that I am trying to have some breakfast.

"A bit, but you would only come if you had something to talk about, right? That's what happened yesterday." Her dead-pan seriousness is something I still have yet to get used to completely, but in response to her statement I just sigh and nod, speaking as I take my seat next near her.

"Yes, yesterday... that's actually what I was hoping to talk about, because I'm really beginning to dislike what I did then. Unfortunately, the past is the past, and no matter how much I could try, I simply can't go back and change what I did. All I can do now is apologize and try to make up for it." Rin seems to be somewhat understanding, but I'm still walking on a tightrope here, as it has been with every conversation with her. It used to be for a mental workout and some fun, but now it's a little serious. Her response comes as I begin to eat.

"I didn't like what you said yesterday." She says blatantly. "And I still don't like them, the words that were spoken. If you're going to apologize, I dunno if I can forgive you."

"What makes you think that you might not be able to forgive me?" I turn my head to her, directly showing my attention to her. She thinks over this for a bit, then answers with a half-gaze.

"Whenever Emi apologizes to me for something she did or forgot, I can't tell if she's really serious about being sorry or if it's just a natural reaction for her. Like if sorry is just some word to use. " Now she looks at me intently, to give the statement forwardly. "I can't tell which one of the two you're doing, because you aren't acting like yourself, just like yesterday. Angry is the word, I think." I sigh a bit and swallow some of the food.

"I think yesterday has been the only day I haven't been myself around you, which is why I wanted to apologize for that. Maybe after what happened, I shouldn't have ran to you thinking it would be fine once I was with you, as if you were some sort of a tool for me to use to get over something I had done."
Like a caged, sleeping beast, I keep my inner conflict at bay the best I can, but even with trying to calm down with Rin, my grasp on it is slipping. The air is dead silent as she works on the mural, and I eventually try to make some conversation to keep myself from loosing to my inner emotions.

"Do you like talking to people?" Weird, random questions always seem to get into the longer conversations. She shakes her head, still focused on the mural in progress.

"I don't understand people. And I'm bad with words. I never seem to be able to say what I want to say because what I say is never what I want to say because I'm bad with words." I try to not wrap it around my head and go for what pops into my mind.

"But you like collecting people." She nods. "For what reason, exactly?"

"Some people here are amazing, but not all of them." She frowns a bit, then finally looks back at me. "Sometimes people are really hurt about themselves, and it hurts others. I hope you're not like that, I wouldn't like that." I sigh and shrug.

"I guess for me, it's not that I don't like who I am in terms of my reasons for being here, but I don't like how I can act, sometimes." I already feel my inner, self-anger flowing into my veins, but I'm too focused on the topic to notice. "There are times when I act where I am not myself, or what people think of me as. What I don't like is how by not being myself, I can cause damage when I don't intend it. It's one part of me I wish didn't exist, but at the same time reminds me that I am a human too. It sucks." Her expression has changed to one of slight shock, but she's more or less analyzing me right now. Only now do I notice that my own expression has changed into one of anger itself, and my right hand ins clenched into a fist.

"I don't want to get hurt." She looks a little fearful of me, and averts her eyes to one side. "I've gotten hurt before, and I don't like it. You even look scary right now." Something small snaps, but its a snap nonetheless, and I am quick to respond.

"Look, I may need to explain myself better later, but I don't think staying with you is going to help me right now." I rise from the ground and get my bag, turning away and beginning to walk away. "Bye, Rin."

"Bye..." It's all she says, however faintly, before she turns to the mural, and I march back to my dorm.
My smile fades and I shake my head. "That's not a good way to think of people, in my opinion. We may be... unique in our own way, but we're all still people in the end, right?" She looks at me with a tilted gaze and a frown. Once again, my words have pressed some buttons on her, like the day before.

"I guess you're right, but I don't like that idea." She turns her gaze to the crowd, who are mostly going along their business. "Remember when I said people were confusing?" I nod, and she continues on. "That means everyone here is confusing. Everyone being confusing. I don't like that." She looks at me again. "It's like you, then." Now I need to defend myself

"It is true, though, but sometimes it might not be the person themselves." This gets Rin's full attention, and I think I know where I'm going with this. "I think it's a trait of people in general to sometimes not be able to express what they want to say or feel, when words fail us. That's where some confusion comes in; when we can't read someone. Of course, this comes from someone who likes to probe people's minds out of pure boredom and curiosity. And like yesterday, it has its consequences." I shrug a bit, and she seems to be thinking in thought.

"My brushes and paper understand me the best, I think. No, I know that. It's because they do what I want them to do, and it works out all fine."

"I could do the same for you if you asked." Er... that sounded bad. Curse me and my quick mind.

"I don't think our relationship is far enough that I can ask some specific things from you." Her eyes narrow a bit in my direction, and I quickly sigh and nod.

"Ah, trustworthiness as well. I keep forgetting to take my time, even though I'm usually patient. It's like I'm two different people sometimes, stuck in the same body. And yes, I know that's a condition, but I'm pretty sure I don't have that disorder, or things would only be more confusing." I smile a bit, to which she just shrugs, and my smile is short lived.

"Being two different people... it even sounds strange. But I guess I can be thankful that you're not like that. That would be worse then what you already are. That would be really bad." Like always, she is serious about this, and it gives me time to go over my own thoughts before I rise off of the ground, standing with my bowl now empty.

"Well, I'm glad I was able to dampen this, somewhat. You don't mind if I leave, do you?" She shakes her head.

"I'll be fine, I think."

"Alright, then I'll see you later." I state with a small wave.

"Bye." Her eyes go back after a while to the mural at hand, and I make my way back to the center of the event. Now feeling a little better, there's one last thing I need to do, which leads me inside the building itself.

-------

The further I make my way into the main building, to the second floor, the less commotion there is. Exactly what someone like Hanako would want on a day like this. Its too late in the day already to still be in a dorm, but to early to try and go somewhere else. The festival would be in its prime right now, and most would be outside. But I know enough of whom I'm looking for to know where to go, and it leads me to the library. I try to open the doors slowly and quietly, to not make a sound as I enter. I make my way inside, and head for that corner where she always is. Sure enough, she's already engrossed deeply into another book. I soon get close to her and try my best to relax my own body before beginning.

"Hey, Hanako..." My fear with Lilly becomes true, for even at the sound of my voice Hanako goes into a secluded state, curling herself up and pressing her book closer to her, sinking more into the bean bag. Her action alone changes my attitude. Damn it, I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but Lilly refused to help me. Now I'm stuck with a girl who doesn't want to talk to me, and I still feel the need to apologize to her about yesterday. Space, time and caution. That's what I remember, and I am already doing number one fine, still about eight meters away from her. Two and three and woven together a bit, and after some thinking I give it my best shot.

"I'm sorry... for yesterday... what I did was wrong, Hanako... I shouldn't have asked..."
"M-m-m-my w-w-what?!?" Her eyes are full of fear as we both reel back from my question.

"I thought that it would be something to talk about. Is asking about family too much?" She doesn't answer, still shaking uncontrollably from the original question I had asked her only seconds ago. "Hey, if you don't want to talk about it, we can talk about something else. I just-" I am stopped by her sudden movement of rising in an instant, and I slowly follow with her. "Hanako...?"

"I... I... I...." It's all she stammers out before she breaks, bolting into high gear and rushing out of the library in a full sprint. I'm left speechless, then slowly filled with self anger. This isn't good. I try to bottle up the anger and slowly walk out the library. Lilly is out of the question for assistance, since Hanako might go straight to her. Maybe RIn is at her mural...
"If you still don't want to talk, then that's okay. I just really needed to apologize for yesterday. I feel awful about it, I really do." My careful choice of words makes her ease up a bit, but I can tell in her head she's going over everything I had just said. All she does is nod softly, then go back to her book. I nod back and depart, but even if she acted like she accepted, I can still feel the uneasiness in the atmosphere.

Back to Rin, I guess.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:39 am
by Mirage_GSM
Hm... I don't quite know what he did to upset all three girls, but everything seems to be resolved very quickly. Even his apology to Hanako goes without a hitch, and she even agrees to go out to the festival with him?
Okay, he is way more eloquent than Hisao, and he has a much better understanding of the girl's psyche and psychology in general... You see where I'm going with this?

Also, did you miss posting a chapter, did you intentionally reverse chronology or is that teaser all you're going to post about hi sfaux-pas?

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:53 am
by Eprlide
Mirage_GSM wrote:Hm... I don't quite know what he did to upset all three girls, but everything seems to be resolved very quickly. Even his apology to Hanako goes without a hitch, and she even agrees to go out to the festival with him?
That is going to be revealed in the next due chapters, I think. I've got some sort of a plan in mind, but it will make sense.
Okay, he is way more eloquent than Hisao, and he has a much better understanding of the girl's psyche and psychology in general... You see where I'm going with this?
Crap, now I do. I know I'm suppose to be stop thinking my character is being to good of himself, which I thought I got over. I have plans later on to make him more linear and vulnerable, but I'll see what I can do about the last part to make him less of an all-around goodie two-shoes. I hate characters like that, but sometimes its hard to cut down my own character. Maybe I should get some sort of editor to help? I am relatively new to fanfiction.
Also, did you miss posting a chapter, did you intentionally reverse chronology or is that teaser all you're going to post about hi sfaux-pas?
He came into the school on the Sunday before the festival, starting log 1. Log 7 would imply the seventh day being at Yamaku, AKA the Saturday before the festival. Maybe I wasn't to clear on that.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 3:46 am
by Mirage_GSM
Eprlide wrote:
Also, did you miss posting a chapter, did you intentionally reverse chronology or is that teaser all you're going to post about his faux-pas?
He came into the school on the Sunday before the festival, starting log 1. Log 7 would imply the seventh day being at Yamaku, AKA the Saturday before the festival. Maybe I wasn't to clear on that.
I was referring to the fact that you obviously skipped the part where he offended the girls, but I think the rest of your post answers that question.

Your stories don't need much proofreading, but if you'd like some input prior to posting them, just PM me.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:04 am
by Zoram
Unfortunately, after the beginning I have a hard time reading because of the character's name. "Kezukio", really? I do not care if the name of a Japanese OC has no particular significance (also because I know little to nothing of Japanese) but this seems just a bad misspelling of "Kazuki" or "Kazuhiko", and sounds ridicolous for this reason.

I know I sound harsh for what it may seem a small detail to you but, given the setting you are working on (KS has one that's not 100% realistic but still very believable), I think it counts. [I even tried a Google search of "kezukio" to see if I was really mistaken - just one result, this thread...]

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 8:09 am
by Chronopolize
I'm a tiny bit let down by not being able to see what Kazukio did the day before. It's like going at it blind. Besides not knowing what happened, We can't see what the girls separate reactions were, and the apologies going uniformly smoothly doesn't give us any other information.Of course, you probably have your reasons. Knowing there's more drama in store, what does it serve to omit this event and then reference it later? So the transition was somewhat jarring; there was nothing telling us what had happened until he apologized to lilly, (and even after that!). I reread those bunch of lines like 3 times going wtf? Maybe show those things in the MC's inner monologue right when he wakes up. Ok you did. I mean, he may or may not be angsted over what happened, but there should be some kind of 'auuggh' or regret from him showing up, instead I MUST APOLOGIZE, then apologize. Thinking about it, first person sort of makes that tricky, since the MC is basically talking to the reader, and descriptions of minor actions (like being tense, resting one's head on one's hand while thinking) taken by the MC are usually reserved for when he is self-reflective, or he is more self-conscious, e.g. in a conversation. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense. It's 4 in the morning.
I tried my best to adapt quickly to the school, but I jumped the gun there and forgot what the school is really about, and what it means for her.
Is it obvious to him what Yamaku DOES mean to her? That seems prententious for an apology, claiming to know that much, even offhandedly. Anyways, waiting warmly~

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2012 11:16 pm
by Eprlide
I am really not good with names, so I try to make my own (which usually end up confusing the audience). Sometimes I'm not even sure of how to pronounce "Eprlide" sometimes. I try to be creative yet reasonable with my names, and like Kezukio, I end up with some gibberish sometimes. I guess my biggest fear is accidentally using some other name from some famous book/VN/comic/movie/etc that I don't know about, which is kinda stupid now that I think about it.

I have decided to have some more time in thinking over the posts I make carefully and then posting them when I think they're done. Therefore, this will not be a day-to-day thing anymore, and I am starting with an edit to this part that should clear some things up. But give me time, I still have my normal rundown of homework and chores to do. I am glad to see people are liking my work, and I will do my best to get better at this.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:06 am
by Eprlide
Eddied version of A2P1 has been posted. Hopefully I did a better job then I did with the original post.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 11:09 am
by gecko
I find it even more confusing than the first version.
What are the quotes about?

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 8:54 pm
by Eprlide
The quotes represent what actually happened yesterday, at different times. The one with Lilly came first, then Hanako, then Rin.

Maybe I should stop being so clever if nobody's going to understand what I'm trying to do. It all works out for me in my mind, but then again, I'm autistic. :/

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2012 11:43 pm
by Chronopolize
Good work, it was better. Here are my further suggestions. For the first quote, you should put an lead-in. First of all, the scene is replayed in first person. That means Hisao is (probably) remembering it at the time, and not a more definite and more jarring ***FLASHBACK***. Now, I think 3 flashbacks is too much in one chapter, 2 is already a lot.

A rough example of how I would reformat and reorder that chapter: *note-spoilered=removed from original
I tried pushing myself to be someone better, but... I went somewhere that I wasn't permitted to go yet in the process..." My voice trails off and my throat clenches slightly as I relive the events of the previous day.
"M-m-m-my w-w-what?!?" Her eyes are full of fear as we both reel back from my question.

"I thought that it would be something to talk about. Is asking about family too much?" She doesn't answer, still shaking uncontrollably from the original question I had asked her only seconds ago. "Hey, if you don't want to talk about it, we can talk about something else. I just-" I am stopped by her sudden movement of rising in an instant, and I slowly follow with her. "Hanako...?"

"I... I... I...." It's all she stammers out before she breaks, bolting into high gear and rushing out of the library in a full sprint. I'm left speechless, then slowly filled with self anger. This isn't good. I try to bottle up the anger and slowly walk out the library. Lilly is out of the question for assistance, since Hanako might go straight to her. Maybe RIn is at her mural...
The rest of the quote is more of a present tense detail. It's what the MC would think at the time, not what he would remember. Unless, he is actively thinking about it, and you do it outside of the quote and in past tense: I knew that Lilly was out of the question. But in this case I see so reason to bring it up, since the its brought up soon in the conversation.
So following from where that block left off:
I had indeed talked to Lilly earlier that day.
"Has Hanako always been shy?" The question seems pretty blank, but Lilly just nods. There few people in the classroom are leaving for the day, and both me and Lilly are just sitting and talking.

"When she found out I was blind, she took a better liking to me because I didn't judge her like the others. I didn't know how she was until she told me, but even then, I was polite about it." She too now stands and begins to pack up her belongings. With the afternoon classes over, I am currently hoping to get to know Hanako a bit better, unaware of how badly it would go.

"Like you can't judge me with my own condition. But that's not what I'm going for here." I take a moment to breathe before speaking again. "I just want to know Hanako a bit better, thats all." Lilly's face seems in thought, and at the same time we both rise from our desks.

"You need to be cautious, and patient. Hanako is not one to let her personal life free to someone she barely knows. A forward, direct approach isn't going to abide well with her." With my confidence of knowing who she is already going through the roof, I just pass this information off as repetitive. Oh, how I should have listened...

"Okay, I get it. I'll catch you later, Lilly." I begin to make my way to the door, a stride with every step I take.
"Bye, but do be careful..."Her final warning goes in one ear and out the other, myself already walking at a quick pace to the library...
The painful irony is that I can remember our parting words of warning, despite having all but turned the blind eye to it and her advice, in my eagerness.
"Bye, but do be careful..."
I blink my eyes, and almost visibly shake my head to clear my head of thoughts. Lilly, to my surprise, has not responded. I break the uneasy silence. "I should have taken your advice, so I thought that since you know her better then me by far, that you could help me rekindle with Hanako by reassuring her, or something..." Lilly looks away a, disappointed in my persistence to go with my original plan."
And so on and so forth. This kind of prolonged pause within the story, and the actual conversation should be used sparingly. In this case its fine and I wanted to keep the scenes that you added, but for the future shorter flashbacks, especially if they are outside a period of self-reflection.

Between the Hanako and Rin section, you have a break:
-------
[TRY MEMORY OF RIN'S ENCOUTER HERE]
Out of the few times when I wasn't with Lilly or Hanako, and whenever she too was working on it, I would offer my help to Rin with the mural. I was foolish back then, now that I look on it.
First of all, there's a natrual break for it in the story, and second of all, you reference it (I was foolish back then). As it is, your flashback is stretching two related sentences really really far apart.

Flashbacks in this instance, and I THINK, in general, should be used sparingly, to emphasize an event, or to emphasize a specific viewpoint/perspective of that event. For example, when you used flashbacks the MC's screw-up indeed of playing it normally, you are emphasizing the apology over the event (minus the flashback). Clarity is also important, as other people have pointed out. You can't just jump into something without letting the reader know your jumping into something.Maybe you can ask around for a proofreader to check for that, and maybe grammar/spelling. If you want to show character interaction/personality and possibly reveal little hints to the astute reader, there is the place to put them. So, artistic devices (what the hell do they call this? :roll: ) are totally not bad, but should be used, when you, the author have a use for them. And, take this with a salt shaker of salt. I have no experience in writing. If you really want things in a certain way, let it be. Just think about things. Aside from that... your story. You should feel good about it. I hope me writing this long-winded post helps you realize that. Cheers.

Re: A view from the dark (Feedback appreciated!)

Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 3:29 pm
by Eprlide
(Wow, it's been a while, but now I have finally gotten back to this! Credit goes to Mirage_GSM for editing, and everyone who has given advice!)

Part 2: Consequences

The walk exiting the library and heading outside seems a bit shorter than the walk going inside, but only barely. The vague ending with Hanako only has me on edge, and knowing how badly things went yesterday, I don't know how to approach Rin today, especially considering today isn't a normal day. The festival is still in swing, and I still get a few looks every now and then. I don't think of myself as too different from some of the others that are here at Yamaku, but a simple blink of my eye reminds me that I am the only one who knows of the missing one, along with the staff and faculty who know of my history. Amidst the ever-moving crowd, I make my way back to the mural. Rin, however, doesn't acknowledge my presence until I come close enough to sit down, which I do.

"You're back..." Always stating the obvious first. I just nod in return.

"I wouldn't be back here if I didn't come back here by walking from where I was and coming here, right?" I impulsively go back to my own crude statements, while Rin just grins a bit.

"And you're back to your normal self here now. That's good, if you're not just two people anymore." I actually understand her statement and smile in return. "But isn't it difficult to be more then one person?"

"Sometimes. You see, it's mostly on a manor of controlling which "me" I want to be at a given time, since some situations will prefer a certain me over a different me. That's really the only part can be a real challenge, forcing myself to be a certain self and rejecting back the other parts of me I don't want to be let out at that time. It' can still be a pain sometimes, though, especially when I'm the wrong "me" at given times. Yesterday is a prime example of that, and I'm hoping it doesn't happen again." It's a bit more then that, though, but words fail my own inner description. The inner conflict of who I am is a bit indescribable, but in the end of it all...

"I hate myself sometimes."

... Did I really just state that out loud?

"Why?" I look back at Rin to see a slight hint of worry on her face, confirming that I indeed said that out loud. Oh well, might as well do my best to explain to her, and hopefully I can do better then yesterday even though I'm still dumbfounded by my own openness with her. With a sigh, I begin my explanation of self-hatred.

"As I said before, being two people can be a pain, but even the "me"s I can be have their own faults. Now, I know that I can't be a perfectionist guy like a god-damn Mary-sue, or whatever they call them in literature, but it just seems like whoever I was for the past week really tried to be one." A sudden thought makes me chuckle a bit. "That's a bit funny, huh? Being perfect actually isn't perfect at all, and it's actually a bad thing of sorts. It's a good thing they don't exist, since we're all just human inside. We can all be manipulative, and yet manipulated at the same time. Someone perfect, unchanging because of no need to change, wouldn't fit in an ever-changing world like we have today. I've written enough literature to recognize that thought." The last statement, out of all of my theorizing, seems to catch her attention the most.

"You write?"

"Every now and then, yes." I pat my tablet with one hand, keeping it securely tucked in my arm with the other. "I really began my writing streak when I was admitted into the hospital. I was given my tablet from my parents and I used it to write along with other things. Most of the time, I find it much easier to express myself with written words then talking on the spot. Sometimes I don't even say what I want to say when talking. With writing, I have time to think it over, and edit anything I want to if need be at any given time without penalty. For me, at least, it's easy." Looking back at Rin, I can visibly see something going on in her head before she speaks again.

"Try it, then."

"Beg pardon?"

"No, not begging. Writing." I sigh at her sarcastic comment with her trademark monotone expression to go with it, but she continues on nonetheless to clarify. "Just write something. I want to see what you can write." Maybe she thinks writing for me is her way of painting. She said once that paints and brushes understood her most because she could do whatever she wanted with them and they would comply. Were words and text the same thing for me? I power up my tablet and go to the notepad, just looking at it.

"This will take some time." Just like my statement earlier, I don't even think about it before it comes out.

"That's okay, I'm patient." She goes back to observing the passing crowd, and I just look back at the tablet in my lap. My fingers are mere millimeters away from touching the surface, and as soon as an idea pops into my head, my writing session begins.

-------

This somehow takes a lot longer then even I thought. Even for being a relatively short piece, this small form of literature takes about twenty minutes to complete. "I think it's done. Here." I try to hand it over to her, but reality comes crashing back into me with me realizing the futility of my effort. I sigh yet again and turn the tablet to her, then slowly bring it and rest it on the ground. Rin adjusts her position into something whereas she can read it best on her own, showing her dexterity and flexibility as her body moves into her intended position. I take a look at my own look with Rin as she reads it as well.

All the shots you never take will fail.
Maybe that's why I feel locked in jail.
The pain and danger, always everywhere,
Thick in the dense, sickening stench of air.

My entire life, is one of caution,
Tense with fear, and no time for exhaustion,
Had no real fun or games like others had,
Was always kept indoors, but I was glad,

Was often teased, but I had to endure.
What could I do? For me there was no cure.
All through my childhood I kept to my own,
Was good in school, and yet I was alone.

I did observe what I could not be with;
For my fragile, weak mind, love was a myth.
I was a bit happy, still I was safe,
Seclusion was used well, no more shown chafe.

I hoped to change here, but I did not know,
Things were so different here, to take in slow.
Met friends yet hurt them accidentally.
Messing up the delicate recipe.

I only ask for forgiveness, tis all,
The feeling now, its like a spiral fall.
The consequences sent me in a dive,
Yet in my mind this hope I keep alive:
Being forgiving is something friends do,
I just hope I can still be one with you.


"Interesting, but I don't get it." I feared that response, with a sigh being my only appropriate response to her response.

"Perhaps I don't either, but at least I can save it." I take the tablet back and save the document for later. "Remember a few days ago, when I said there are times when words fail us?" She nods. "It's a bane of writers, trying to express what they want their audience to feel, but sometimes unable to find the right emotional words that tug at the heart just right." I shrug a bit, and we're somehow back to philosophical discussion.

"I hope some writers don't do it to hard. Tugging a heart to much would kill someone, wouldn't it?" And there she goes breaking it.

"Maybe, some hearts are stronger then others." We both seem content with that ending. Rin stays silent, and I decide to follow. Perhaps some moments of silence are all we need at given times. Somehow, even not talking with Rin makes me feel a bit connected with her, just content with minding to each other while keeping company to ourselves. And for the first in a long time, I feel happy with the given situation.

"You're smiling again." Rin makes the statement without even looking completely at me. I just let out a content breath of air.

"Yea, I am. And it feels nice to be smiling again." Silence overtakes us again, and the time begins to pass on by calmly once more.