Katawa Shoujo Forums

Switching the timeframe was a very good call. It flipped my reaction from, "Ehh... okaaaay..." to, "Jesus Christ now I need a new pancreas."

My only major criticism is that it's traditional to put characters' inner-monologue thoughts in italics.

Much better now.
One minor nitpick: It seems a stretch that they would come back to that same park near Yamaku for the proposal. The place they're living now as to be a bit away, and Hanako might have thought it a bit strange to go there for no reason at all.

CNB wrote:Switching the timeframe was a very good call. It flipped my reaction from, "Ehh... okaaaay..." to, "Jesus Christ now I need a new pancreas."

My only major criticism is that it's traditional to put characters' inner-monologue thoughts in italics.

Thanks!

I'd considered doing something along those lines for their inner thoughts but I dunno. I wanted it to feel a little hectic, like their feelings and thoughts are flowing together in a stream-of-consciousness sort of way. I totally see what you're saying though.

Mirage_GSM wrote:Much better now.
One minor nitpick: It seems a stretch that they would come back to that same park near Yamaku for the proposal. The place they're living now as to be a bit away, and Hanako might have thought it a bit strange to go there for no reason at all.

I suppose that's my fault for not adding a few extra details. I meant to imply that they still live in the general area of Yamaku. Of course I'm not entirely clear on the geography of the area so it might make more sense to tweak things a bit more, I dunno.

The geography of Yamaku has been deliberately kept vague, but it's implied it is in the middle of nowhere (or the Japanese equivalent), with a longer bus ride to the nearest city.

Okay, so for the sake of argument I'll just say we should assume that they live in the city but often head over to the Yamaku area to relax. Or something.

Mirage_GSM wrote:One minor nitpick: It seems a stretch that they would come back to that same park near Yamaku for the proposal. The place they're living now as to be a bit away, and Hanako might have thought it a bit strange to go there for no reason at all.

Clearly he was taking her there because there would be a horrible yet poetic symmetry to dumping her in the same spot where they first declared their love.

CNB wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:One minor nitpick: It seems a stretch that they would come back to that same park near Yamaku for the proposal. The place they're living now as to be a bit away, and Hanako might have thought it a bit strange to go there for no reason at all.

Clearly he was taking her there because there would be a horrible yet poetic symmetry to dumping her in the same spot where they first declared their love.

Yes, that. Totally that. Or that other thing. I'm confused now.

I enjoyed this very much

thank you

You're welcome.

And thank you for thanking me.

I liked it, except for the final scene, where I couldn't think for the smallest moment that Hisao was going to dump her, so I thought it was a bit long before Hanako realizes, I hate trying to follow a dumb narrator (not that Hanako's that dumb, but she was clearly wearing the dumb act during that moment) Plus Hisao was really lying it thick. Something shorter? Perhaps counterbalanced with a real big argument before, if you want the angst? Or staying on Hanako's POV, so we can't know what Hisao's been thinking beforehand?

Still nice for a one-shot, keep writing.

Thanks.

Yeah I'm pretty much done with this one, I think. It was a good exercise and I still very much appreciate everyone's feedback. I'll just be keeping it in mind for my current/future projects.

*sniff* A very touching fic. I just have no words for how good it was.

gecko wrote:I liked it, except for the final scene, where I couldn't think for the smallest moment that Hisao was going to dump her

I'm pretty sure you weren't meant to think that. It was written to be more of a cute misunderstanding than a gut-wrenching one.

I thought the scene wasn't a whole lot longer than it had to be.

CNB wrote:I'm pretty sure you weren't meant to think that. It was written to be more of a cute misunderstanding than a gut-wrenching one.

I thought the scene wasn't a whole lot longer than it had to be.

Yeah, it was mostly meant to show how Hanako still had a bit of that insecurity. And of course Hisao is totally oblivious to the whole thing.

I signed up to say:

Thank you. I enjoyed this.