The Lamb and The Fox

[Tezzeret]

I've only had the time to read the Prologue but i'm digging it. Will read more ASAP.

[gecko]

Thanks, and you can take your time.
I try to post new chapters weekly more or less, so you're not missing much by reading it at the rhythm that suits you.

[Tezzeret]

And i'm all caught up. Honestly, i can't wait for more. I'm dying to see where this goes. Don't keep me in suspense too long

[gecko]

I sometime wonder if I've got some masochist tendencies.

At first, for a youngster bored on a Saturday night, going back to the Slaughterhouse seemed a good idea. Tokyo might offer all kinds of entertainment, but most of them are above my allowance. It's not for nothing that I accepted to share a flat in the first place. Also, most of them seem designed to make one going alone feel even more lonely.

And I really didn't fancy going to some bar or karaoke with work colleagues. That would have made me feel even more lonely. At least, I knew that in the Slaughterhouse, I would meet people around my age. Maybe, if I was lucky, maybe I would even meet Mio?

But, of course, after having fled the overly loud music of the main room, I find myself sharing the art room with the person I didn't want to meet, namely Rin Tezuka. A short reflection about Murphy's law could have predicted that.

Her back is turned to me, as she's looking at some of the paintings on the wall, but her figure isn't difficult to identify. It's not like there are many armless girls with red hair in Tokyo, let alone who know about the Slaughterhouse and like to tie knots in their shirt's arms.

I'm going to turn around and go back to the dance-floor when I'm stopped by her voice.

"Hisao?"

I turn again to face her. Her eyes are glistening, and when she speaks again, her voice has a strange loudness that I've never heard.

"Did you forget me?"

"Of course not!"

"Good. I've decided I didn't like you to forget me." Casually, like she's making small-talk about the weather.

"Why?"

"I've realized I don't like to ignore people."

"And why would you?"

"Because I'm bad with words. I cannot talk to people. So I just ignore them, it's easier. Even if I know it's wrong."

She pauses, but I can't think of a good reply before she continues.

"But tonight, there's this friend of Ken, he gave me this pill, said it would help me... It's even worse! I see all those people, I know they are nice people, I don't want to ignore them, I want to tell them they're nice... And it never comes out right. They just laugh at me, or look like I'm crazy. Am I crazy, Hisao?"

I shake my head. You're not exactly what I'd call normal Rin, but I'm not going to tell it tonight.

"No, but I've heard taking drugs can make you crazy," I finally answer.

"Art school is going to make me crazy anyway. With those teachers, they always ask things that have nothing to do with my drawings, and if I cannot answer, they said I didn't work enough... And even when it's a good question, I never find the right answer! They want me to use words I don't know! And sometime, I even don't understand the question, like when they want to know if my painting comes from the real me. Is there even a real and a false me? Where is this me, that I can check? And when I manage to ask, they just tell me to search harder... I should have stayed in Yamaku, and gone to university like you."

"No, you shouldn't," I answer quickly, "it's boring... And lonely. If you find that art students don't understand you, I can't imagine what it would be with the people I work with."

"But surely," she looks surprised as she answers, "the teachers don't need to understand you? You just have to know the right answer, and it's in the books, like in Yamaku? Like with Mutou?"

"But that ends there: it's difficult to have real friends. I've got good marks, but it's really lonely. I feel I'm like the author in that Little Prince book we discussed last time. You see, he had that drawing that looked like a hat, which was a boa having eaten an elephant, and when he met someone smart, he hoped he would understand, would have the imagination or whatever, and showed him the drawing..."

"But he would always answer, 'That’s a hat.'" Rin interrupts me, quoting the book. "Then I wouldn’t talk about boa constrictors or jungles or stars. I would put myself on his level and talk about bridge and golf and politics and neckties. And my grown-up was glad to know such a reasonable person."

Surprised, I remember that it's one of Ken's favourites. Apparently, they're closer than they look. Still...

"Sounds even more wrong than ignoring them," she adds. "Science students don't like to talk about stars?"

"I'm not in sciences, I'm in business." At least, that's easy to answer. "You learned that paragraph by heart?"

"I've read it." She shrugs. "I don't know why I remember it. I know I have bad memory. I forget a lot of things, even important ones. Ken says I'm an air-head. A cloud head would be more appropriate don't you think? I like to watch clouds. I cannot just watch air, it's too difficult to see. Unless it's very hot, then you can see it. Or not? Isn't what you see its effect on your sight?" She suddenly shakes her head, before steering the conversation back on track. "But sometimes, things stay, and I cannot forget them. I don't know. Maybe I'm really crazy?"

Please don't say that Rin. Please. Don't you think it's difficult enough to be talking with you, to have all those repressed memories coming back? I rack my brain for something to say, and suddenly find an angle.

"Maybe you do remember what's important? For you, I mean? Maybe it's just that we disagree on what's important?"

"See? That why I like you to remember me. Even if you don't understand, at least, you make efforts to make me feel like you do... Like you care."

She pauses, but while I try to digest what I'm hearing, and form another answer, she starts talking again. "I've been angry at you, for lying at me, for making me feel like that and then saying I'll always be alone. But now... If I thought even you have forgotten me, it would feel... I don't know. Like I'm already dead? Are you still alive when nobody thinks of you?"

I don't answer but I instinctively put my hand on my scar. I could be really dead, it's been quite close, and then I wouldn't be caring if people still think about me. But, in another way, memories of me would be the only way I'd still exist.

Rin, despite her usual uninterested airs, has followed my gesture. Although she looks more attentive tonight, maybe thanks to her dilated pupils.

"Do you still take your medication? Take care of yourself, please. Don't go dying before me."

I feel that I should say something nice. I'm not sure Rin will remember tomorrow, but she seems genuinely upset, maybe I can mend things a bit? Not that it would help much on my side, with her having a boyfriend and my being in Tokyo only temporarily, but I still feel like I have to try.

"Rin," I put a hand on her shoulder and continue, not sure how I'm going to finish, "I'm sorry..."

"Stop!" She interrupts me and steps away from my hand. I notice her skin his glistening too, like she's been sweating. "Hisao, just don't. Please."

"Why?"

"Because I'll have to discuss with you, and I'm not going to find the right words, and you're not going to understand, and we're going to argue, and I'll have to ignore you like the others," she pauses shortly, but concludes before I can get a word in, "I prefer to believe you understood. Even if it's not true. Just remember me, but stop talking."

And she walks away.

She stops at the door, and we share a last gaze before she leaves me alone in the room.

Alone in front of her painting, where I lose myself in my thoughts. Maybe it's better she stopped me. What would have I said? I'm sorry you've been such a selfish person last year?

Why have I fallen in love with someone who can only think about herself? I'd better check on her anyway. All this talk about death, plus I don't know what kind of drug, that can't be healthy.

===

Soundtrack suggestion for act 2: Marillion – Torch Song

[neptr]

This is some excellent writing. I'm really blown away. Hope you keep going, I'm way too emotionally invested for you to stop now!

[gecko]

Glad you liked it. I was afraid I made Rin too self-aware.

[berterus]

I was afraid I made Rin too self-aware.

I can see why you'd think this after reading that, but it's not so obvious that I noticed it during the story. I honestly think her dialogue would be rather hard to write anyway, if that helps you cut yourself a bit of slack.

Also, maybe put your song suggestions at the top of the post? It just seems like if we should be aware of your recommendations it should be before we even start reading.

I really enjoyed reading it, thank you for writing and please continue. :)

[Tezzeret]

I actually like the way you're writing Rin so i see no problems. Awesome stuff as usual man

[gecko]

I was afraid I made Rin too self-aware.

I can see why you'd think this after reading that, but it's not so obvious that I noticed it during the story. I honestly think her dialogue would be rather hard to write anyway, if that helps you cut yourself a bit of slack.

Also, maybe put your song suggestions at the top of the post? It just seems like if we should be aware of your recommendations it should be before we even start reading.

I really enjoyed reading it, thank you for writing and please continue.

Yes, Rin is hard to write, because you have to be quite witty (which I'm not), while at the same time clueless (which I can be, but not when I write because I tend to overanalyze my characters' reactions)
But I don't aim to compete with Aura, just to have her believable enough that it's not jarring, so if you read it fine, I think I can feel good (so far).

I actually like the way you're writing Rin so i see no problems. Awesome stuff as usual man

Thanks!

[gecko]

I get back into the main room, steeling myself against the music's volume. It's quite crowded, but I don't need very long to make sure Rin isn't here. And yes, I've checked outside first, hopefully before she'd have time to turn the corner of the street.

I find myself at the bottom of the stairway, and decide to check Ken's rehearsal room. I don't know exactly where it is, but I'm lucky, the door is open and Ken is inside. Although alone.

"Hey, Hisao, you're around tonight?"

"Yep." I try to sound cool.

"Good. We've been asked to do another concert, you'll get to hear our last numbers. Actually, I think we're going to try the show we'll play in real bars down-town next month. Free avant-première! Mio's with you?"

"I went alone," I shake my head, "but I've just been talking with Rin, she doesn't seem well."

Actually, I've sent an invitation on Mio's mobile, but I had no answer.

"Yes," he nods, "girl's got a lot of baggage."

"That I don't know about," I answer, "but art school doesn't seem to help."

"I don't know either," he shrugs, "but it seems evident. And art school isn't for the weak-willed. Highest concentration of crazies I've ever seen!"

I don't remember Rin being weak-willed. Quite the opposite, actually. Strange, maybe, but weak? But Ken continues before I can object.

"And the teachers don't help, you know? Sometimes, I wonder if this is a hidden form of selection: only those able to resist the pressure will graduate, the others will be in asylum before the end. I'm glad I was in music: we'd got pressure too, but there were objective criteria for judging, it was not about attacking our characters. I've got enough baggage as it is, without teachers projecting theirs on me."

"And you're not worried for Rin?" I ask. His casual way of explaining all that makes me uneasy.

"She's an adult," he shrugs again, "she does what she wants with her life."

"But she's your girlfriend!"

He raises his eyebrows and remains silent for a second. Under his rehearsal room clinical white neon light, I suddenly notice how older he looks.

"Once again," he's started his answer while I was staring at him, "she's an adult, she's free, and it's her life. It's not my problem if she decides to ignore that I offered a break-up."

"Easy for you to say..."

This guy, playing the cynical know-it-all with us youngsters, might be in his late twenties. How easy of him to enjoy a young girlfriend like Rin without trying to help her!

"And what are you trying to do?" He cuts me, with, for the first time an edge of anger in his voice. "Be her knight in shining armour? You're welcome, just don't dump it on me. You might be happy juggling her baggage around, I can't. I've got my hands full enough with goals and baggage of my own!"

We remain silent. Ken walks away, forages in the back of the room, and comes back with a pair of beer cans. He offers me one. A gesture of truce? I'm not sure, but it seems rude to refuse.

We both break our cans open, and start drinking in silence. Ken's guitarist enters, nod to us, and starts packing his pedals. Ken nods to him, but he's still looking at me. Despite having a can of his beer in hand, I start feeling really uneasy.

I'm going to leave when the guitarist does, and Ken starts talking again, now in a very soft voice.

"There's something I learned, between when I was your age and now, it's that you cannot really help people. They're alone with their problems, and they need to want to change. You can't do it for them. The best you can do is be there when they need to talk, or a place to crash." He sighs. "And even then, you've got to be careful about what they really want. If they drag you in their drama, it's going to be both of you in the madhouse. Some people can be very toxic, you know? You'd better keep them at arm length."

"You think Rin's toxic?" I ask. All this seems to me very logical, but also very selfish. I can't say I approve, but I guess I'll have to think on it.

"I don't know, but I'm not going to test. And I'd like her to take the hint, you know? About the break-up, I mean. All that having her around, having to remind her to eat when she's here and painting, to go back to school and hand her assignments in time, and everything... I might grow attached, and I really can't afford that." Seeing my frown, he adds, "you know, it's the time spent for your rose that makes her special..."

He lets the explanation hang in the air, and I just nod politely, while wondering how someone sounding so insensitive can like The Little Prince.

We remain silent while Ken finishes his beer – I'm a slow drinker. Then, he asks me to leave, because he's got to lock the door and prepare to go on-stage. He asks me if I will listen, and I give a neutral nod in answer. I might like his music, I'm not sure I like the man enough to be in his audience.

Plus, I'm still worried about Rin.

===

Scene 3 over there

[Sperance]

Hisao's emotional situation is going to get worse before it gets any better isn't it. Poor Ken doesn't know Hisao is aware of everything he said. He knew that before Rin even met Ken.

[Tezzeret]

Ken making a lot of sense here. I didn't expect him to be so full of wisdom and good advice. For a sparse second i thought Ken and Hisao's argument was gonna get more heated.

Anyway, great chapter man.

[gecko]

Well, Ken isn't a black and white character, I'm glad it came across.
Hisao's got a point (although being jealous, he tends to exaggerate it), but Ken's not just cold hearted, he's got one too, I'm glad it shows. I hope I didn't make him look too good now, the narrator is supposed to be Hisao! (and yes, he's got things to clarify or let go before he can get better, there's a reason I'm planning 3 acts)

Thanks for the comments, it's good motivation.

[gecko]

I step out of the upstairs corridor and steps down the stairway. I'm greeted by deafening dance music, but, at the foot of the stairs, I'm also greeted by Mio and a friend of her, a tall girl with electric blue hair.

We can't talk, but she seems genuinely happy to see me. For a moment, I forget about Rin, or at least I try to. After all, why should I turn my back on Mio to care for someone else's girlfriend? Can't I deserve to be a little selfish too?

Apparently, I'm not good at it, because when the dance music dies down, and the DJ asks us to stay for Ken, she asks me with a frown:

"Something's wrong?"

"Not really," I force myself to smile.

It's not that difficult, looking at her. She's really cute.

My smile stops when I find myself on all fours on the dirty ground, feeling pressure on my back before someone rolls down beside me. Someone far above me, possibly Mio gasps while I check my heart. A bit accelerated, but stable. Good. I slowly picks myself up, and look at who has tackled me down in the process.

It's Rin.

And it looks like she's having trouble with her balance, as she struggles to stand again. I end offering her my hand. Instead of making any move to accept it (although now, I'm not sure what would count), she just stares at me with wide eyes. With fear?

She manages to wobble back on her feet and steps toward me, lounges forward, and end in my arms, the side of her head directly on my chest.

She frowns a bit before straightening up and looking directly at me. I still have a hand on her shoulder, and I feel the need to keep it there and steady her.

"Is your heart okay?" She asks. "I can't tell." She frowns again, visibly annoyed. "I don't know if it's the pills or the sake, but something's messing with my ears."

From the way her speech is slurred, I'd say it's the sake messing with her brain. Where she was and where she found it will remain a mystery, I suppose.

I notice she's still looking at me with wide eyes, and I take the time to confirm I'm okay. She sighs and lower her gaze, and I feel her shoulders relax.

My beer is still on the floor, forgotten.

Rin tries to step away, stumbles, and both Mio and I need to reach out to keep her from falling.

"We'd better bring her back to the dorms," she says.

I see her pouting while she says that, looking at Ken setting up. Her friend seems frustrated too. But I can't disagree with that, seeing how I was the one who felt he shouldn't leave Rin alone, even when she was stable.

In the end, I propose to do it alone, and after making sure Rin is okay with that – a question that's answered with a simple nod – Mio agrees. She then proceeds to teach me the route to the dorms, waiting for me to be able to repeat it entirely before letting us go. Rin tries to interrupt our conversation once, but after looking alternatively and Mio and I, mutters "never mind" and lets us finish.

That's how I end, one hour later, having to remind Rin that we've reached our stop and should get out of the train. She's been silently leaning on me during the whole trip, and I can still feel the heat in my side. But I choose not to over-think it. With Rin, I know too well that physical contact doesn't necessarily mean anything. After all, she's the first (and only) girl I ever led to orgasm, and she shut me out of her life soon afterwards.

I lead Rin to her door, and fishes her keys in her pockets – she's wearing one of those tactical pants full of easy reachable pockets, it takes me time to find the right one.

I open the door, and Rin enters the room. It's tiny – I guess Yamaku's expensive accommodations and the available space in my country university gave me high expectations about what a dorm room should be? But it's really tiny, I think it's smaller than my bedroom at Yukio's place. Or it's because it's cluttered with paintings and books? Anyway, it looks more like a corridor with a bed, a small desk, and a small window, than a proper bedroom.

Rin sits on her bed with a contented sigh, then lies down, and closes her eyes for a second, before she bolts upright, staring at me.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"The room is moving too much when I close my eyes. It's scary."

She leans her back against the wall, raises her feet, now naked, on the bed in front of her, and keeps looking at me – or through me.

"First time you drink so much?" I ask.

"I don't know," she shrugs. "But tonight, I don't think I'll be able to evacuate it on a painting. My feet are too fuzzy. Maybe it's the sake. I have to remember: sake is not as fun as beer. Instead of making the head bubbly, it makes the feet fuzzy."

I nod. "Will you be okay?"

"Don't go."

"What?"

"Please."

I sit by her side on the bed, in the darkened room. Which is not that dark, the public lighting outside the window is quite strong, and the curtains are opened. As the silence stretches, I find it hard not to try to break it, but can't find anything worthy of it, so I just let my thoughts wander.

Plus, I'm not sure Rin's brain is in a state where she can have a meaningful discussion with me. She finally relaxes on my shoulder, but when I think she might be able to sleep, she suddenly stands, step away, and fumbles with the door handle.

I regain my senses and quickly help her, and she dashes to the bathroom. I follow to find her kneeling in front of the toilet. The sound and smell of her vomiting hit me hard, and finish to wake me up. I step in to help her, supporting her head with a hand on her brow and trying with the other to get her hair out of the way.

Rin's exhausted by the retching when she finally gets up, and I have to help her remain upright while I clean her face and give her some water. When I bring her back to her room, she lies on the bed and closes her eyes. Soon, she's even snoring lightly.

I look at her for at least five minutes before I decide to act and put her to bed properly. I remove her dirty pants. The long-sleeved t-shirt will make an acceptable pyjama, and is acceptably clean. I wonder a bit about her bra, but can't find it a good idea to undress Rin completely to remove it, so I just tuck her under the covers like that. She looks so peaceful, now, that I have to refrain from giving her a good-night kiss.

And now, I'm trapped. I really don't feel like going back outside now. Plus, Rin's last coherent talk was to ask me to stay. I also remember how I had decided, what seems ages ago, that she shouldn't be left alone tonight. In the end, I just lie on the floor against her bed, and try to catch a little bit of sleep.

===
Scene 4 this way

[Sperance]

another good chapter. Also, Hisao is just too nice a guy. His back is going to kill him in the morning