Lunatics
…
A song has been occupying my consciousness for a while now. A lullaby, perhaps, sung by a chorus of crickets, batting their wings to no audible tune, but just as they see fit. I can feel the hypnosis begin to set in, when I am suddenly ambushed by a gust of cold air. Seeking warmth, I pull her towards me. An effort that does not go unnoticed, thankfully.
I open my eyes for a moment to absorb the view. The moon shines brightly in the night sky, unopposed. Stars speckle and dot the rest of the canvas, and not a single cloud is present to detract from the scene. Looking downwards, I see the cityscape on the horizon flourishing with color, and the jagged contours of rooftops and buildings striking out into the sky.
And inside that city are thousands of people, going about their day to day lives, concerning themselves with jobs and salaries; important things. It makes me feel insignificant, for a moment. As if I really am just a fish in the sea. As if there will be so much in life that I may never experience. Now that I think about it, though, I’d hate to be anyone else right now. I’m more than content simply sitting here, on the top of the highest hill, under the tallest tree, in the middle of the night, with my burn-scarred sweetheart.
Maybe she’s not a goddess among mortals, and maybe I’m not the ideal man either. We’ve been met with many problems that we could only take in stride. Problems rendered unavoidable, due to the very nature of us being here at Yamaku High: School for the disabled.
But I’ll be damned if fighting those problems wasn’t worth it.
And I’ll be damned if she’s anything short of an angel by now.
I turn my head towards the one who lies beside me. She catches my gaze and gives me a kiss in return. My eyes fall closed once again. If I could, I might just lay here, with her, for eternity, until our bones grow old and we calmly crumble to pieces. It certainly seems like an attractive prospect right now… Suddenly, something pulls me sharply to my right. What is she-?
Before I know it, the two of us are tumbling down the hill. I seem to be holding her closely, yet far enough away to see her face, and she is doing the same to me. How we so quickly achieved this balance leaves me puzzled, but my confusion is soon overwritten by exhilaration. She becomes the foreground to the cacophony of earth and sky I see behind her. Her hair is blown one way, masking her face in its entirety, then is blasted another direction, flinging away the black veil.
In the center of this turmoil, in the eye of the storm, I burst into laughter. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s out of sheer joy. I notice her doing something similar, except it looks like she’s trying to suppress her amusement. Now that I think about it, she seems to be quite prone to doing that. But now’s not the time to get hung up on such a thing. Oh, how alive I feel, to be thrown into blissful chaos by the one I love.
*Thump*
I detach from her and my rolling slows to a stop. The ride’s over, I guess. What a shame, too. I was really getting into it. I slowly get my bearings and take in the view around me. My eyes are attracted to a line of flowers, lying a few paces away. Violets and tiger lilies mostly, interspersed with other blossoms. For a moment, I consider picking one as a small gift, but then I am halted by my conscience. By taking one, I would ensure its swift death, and there would be no way to go back. I feel like even if I were to try, I wouldn’t be able to force my hand to commit such an atrocity. Not willing to dwell on such a morose topic, I sit back and admire their beauty, not daring to disturb them.
Suddenly, my thoughts return to that same angel that sent me crashing down. I find her lying on the ground too, and she has yet to help herself up to a sitting position, so I hurry to give her a hand. However, I make sure not to relinquish that hand afterwards. The following smile lets me know that my efforts are appreciated.
She opens her mouth for a moment, as if to speak, then she shuts it abruptly. I notice her expression change to a more worried one. At the very least, I feel inclined to figure out if something is the matter.
“Is there something you want to say? You seem anxious.”
“Y-yeah. Just a sec…”
She places herself opposite of me, and takes her time before resuming. She inhales thoroughly. I can see her shaking slightly, as well as a couple beads of sweat on her forehead, even despite the cold. I take note of her attempts to look at me straight, but she keeps averting her eyes. I wonder, just what could she be thinking of that could have her acting like this? Whatever it is, her behavior has me feeling uneasy too.
“Hisao?”
“Yeah?”
Whatever this is, it’s taking longer than it should. The quiet… It should be nice, but it’s not. I feel a bit of relief as she finally looks at me directly and begins speaking.
“I-I know this is kind of sudden, but… I th-think the time is right. I don’t… I don’t know what all we’re going to have to do to make this work, s-so…”
My relief vanishes as she pauses again. Luckily, this dreary silence is short-lived, yet it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She picks up where she left off.
“W-when we get back, d…d…do you want to make something happen? I… I know how we can at least stay safe… Y-you don’t have to worry about that.”
…
She lets out a breath of reprieve. But for me, this… is not what I expected. Is she really asking for what I think she is? The uneasiness in her voice, the degree of her stuttering… neither is something I’ve heard in a long time. I try to casually look at the sky while it ruminate this, but I’m not sure how successful I am at appearing casual. I’m not particularly happy about this habit I’ve made of trying to sidestep things or delay them. Although in my defense, this is a very weird thing to think about.
Sex.
Sex with Hanako.
I know how she is, so I won’t blame her for this, but… it’s not something that we’ve talked about before. And it’s not something I’d have expected from the shy girl with the burns on her face at the back of the room when I first entered Class 3-3. With how I’ve helped her though so many tough times in her life, I think I see her like a little sister or a daughter – to an extent. She hasn’t exactly had a father figure for the past several years of her life. In spite of that, I know inside that I
am her boyfriend and she
is my girlfriend. That isn’t debatable. I’m not looking just to be her caretaker. Maybe I’m just holding onto past impressions. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?
But I don’t want to feel like
lust is the only thing keeping us together. And I
definitely don’t want her to think that. Even worse is the thought that this could be the only reason we became so close in the first place. I shudder hard as I think about it. What a disgusting concept. As if I were chasing after the loneliest girl I could find, hoping that she might be easy. What bullshit. She’s not lonely, and I absolutely adore her.
I haven’t been pressuring her to do this- or anything of the sort. That’s proof enough of my motivations. If anything, I’d be doing this in the name of devotion. Out of love, even. It’s not a sin to love another, is it?
Even then, what kind of pressure would this put on our relationship? We’re both already happier than either of us has ever been. Perhaps these are lines that we’d rather not cross. As if due to some misunderstanding, she is only bringing it up because she thinks that this is what I want, and I’m only going along since I think it’s what she wants. I feel that our communication is good enough, but I sometimes think that she values me too much to even consider speaking her mind if she thinks I might disagree. That’s not something I want. Not now.
“Is this what you really want? I mean, you’re not just trying to appease me, are you? If you don’t want to do this, then I don’t either. I hope you know that.”
That could have come out better. She shakes her head and grabs hold of my hands, and gazes into my eyes.
“I really want this.”
“You’re sure?”
“Y-yes. I just said-”
I am stricken by a feeling of remorse, forcing me to cut her off.
“Ok, sorry. I just wanted to be sure.”
So she does. I suppose it’s not a bad thing, to reach this highest level of physical intimacy if it helps us grow closer. Or rather, it
shouldn’t be a bad thing. But the stress will weigh down on more than just my mind. I mean, I can’t just ignore my heart condition. It doesn’t work like that. After all, it takes two to tango.
I just don’t know. Right here, right now, she is asking for something that I may or may not even be able to give her. I mean, I’d hate to deny her something so important. I’d hate to say that the final, biggest step in our relationship is one that I’m not willing to take right now. I want her to know that I love her, but I fear for my own well-being too. I guess I’d better give her some sort of response.
“…”
I keep trying to get something out, but my muscles aren’t cooperating. It feels like I’m seizing up. Damn it, what am I trying to say? Do we dare engage in this sensual dance with Death?
Hisao seemed a little off in my eyes though, not sure how to explain it though. I think it was he was a wee bit too cynical, then again that could just be due to the situation i.e. thinking about his heart.