Brogurt's Chocolatey Hanako Fanfiction (Updated Nov 26th)

[scott1and]

I know you basically said rip your work to shreds, burn it and then piss on the ashes, but I honestly liked this Hisao seemed a little off in my eyes though, not sure how to explain it though. I think it was he was a wee bit too cynical, then again that could just be due to the situation i.e. thinking about his heart.

[Silentcook]

!

Not playing Metal Gear

perpetuated

outright

Doesn't mean what you think

I’d might

the heat and the cold

And then there’s the words

I have my fair share of disbeliefs

concerning words.

Grammar

Stupid Hisao.

Third person

It certainly wouldn’t be good habit to let discrepancies like this go untouched, so I state my case.

Purple (plus slight confusion with the next line)

“I don’t think that’s the case with the set she showed me.”

It’s not a very big curiosity, to be honest, but I don’t bring it up.

“As long as your heart doesn’t carry with it too many… problems.

Awkward

I know this feeling. It’s called embarrassment.

I know this style, it's called purposefully stupid

I this what I really want?

Typo

My eyes flare open.

Slightly odd

practiced breath,

Not this shit again

You generally seem to be going in the "Victorian-posh" direction with your style. The trouble with this approach is that the more heavily you ham things up, the sillier they read when you narrate commonplace events rather than dramatic ones, and it's also going to be silly if every single thing is going to actually be dramatic.
So ease up on the thesaurus abuse, refined isn't automatically better.

[Brogurt]

I certainly hope I'm not being too demanding, but I have some more requests to make of you fine gentlemen. You can find them in my most recent post. And I certainly don't believe I'll be making very many edits to Tea for Two, since I really like the idea I have for what's up next.

[griffon8]

Your sources for what Cancers are 'supposed' to be are spouting complete bullshit for my life, until you get to what you put under spoiler tags.

I liked the story. I look forward to more of your writing.

[Brogurt]

Hisao seemed a little off in my eyes though, not sure how to explain it though. I think it was he was a wee bit too cynical, then again that could just be due to the situation i.e. thinking about his heart.

If this is in regard to those mean things I said about Hanako, as well as the fact that Hisao was content with her not being at school since it meant getting to lunch earlier, then that was intentional. As this story is a prequel to Pills, I decided it would feature a slightly more self-centered Hisao that had yet to be tempered into a chivalrous white knight and all that.
Although I was kind of hoping that the heart problems would take a back seat to Hisao's thoughts and feelings about Hanako this time. Perhaps I'd better be a bit more selective of how and when I introduce the heart into my writing.

I know this style, it's called purposefully stupid

I realize the rest of my writing wasn't particularly top notch, but I really don't understand what this means. Care to elaborate?

[Silentcook]

I realize the rest of my writing wasn't particularly top notch, but I really don't understand what this means. Care to elaborate?

The statement of something that can only be absolutely obvious to the character is made in such a way that it looks like it took actual effort to figure things out. Therefore, the character is made to look stupid at one single point in narrative, in contrast to all the rest.

[Eponymous Coward]

I realize the rest of my writing wasn't particularly top notch, but I really don't understand what this means. Care to elaborate?

The statement of something that can only be absolutely obvious to the character is made in such a way that it looks like it took actual effort to figure things out. Therefore, the character is made to look stupid at one single point in narrative, in contrast to all the rest.

It's just a figure of speech, you'd have to be taking things very literally (too literally) to interpret this as Hisao being genuinely stupid.

Rereading that paragraph, I realise that I'd actually interpreted this as Hisao's sequence of conscious thoughts catching up with his emotional reaction to Lilly's comment, and it works quite well like that.

[Silentcook]

It's just a figure of speech, you'd have to be taking things very literally (too literally) to interpret this as Hisao being genuinely stupid.

You're missing the point I'm trying to make. The problem is not whether Hisao is stupid or not. It's how he behaves in comparison to the rest of his behavior.
Let's break down the paragraph.

She’s right, isn’t she? I hadn’t really thought about things that way before.

He gets hit by twin realizations that he overplayed his hand and that Lilly is right. Not too clever.

Not overtly, at least. But I suppose I have made it kind of apparent.

Recovers from the setback into analytical internal monologue.

My face is overrun by a wave of heat as the blood rushes to it.

Self-description showing clear awareness.

I know this feeling. It’s called embarrassment.

Sudden fall of IQ, sanwiched in between the above and...

Luckily, Lilly can’t see my face, which -I’m certain- is bright red at the moment, but my silence probably conveys the same message. I tap my knuckle against the side of the desk to see if I can’t ease the situation a bit. I don’t want Lilly to think that I’ve left, or that I’ve passed out or died or something. I close my eyes as I meditate on this.

Not only assessment of the situation, but also thinking of a distraction.

I don't have an issue with portraying the character's feelings, but the way it's done places a ravine smack in the middle of what is otherwise a smooth slope.

[Eponymous Coward]

It's just a figure of speech, you'd have to be taking things very literally (too literally) to interpret this as Hisao being genuinely stupid.

You're missing the point I'm trying to make.

You said:

.... the character is made to look stupid at one single point in narrative, in contrast to all the rest.

and:

Sudden fall of IQ, sanwiched in between the above and...

To me there is no sudden fall in IQ (perceived or actual), the character is not made to look stupid, and therefore there is no contrast to the rest of the passage, because it is a figure of speech, or more accurately a rhetorical device. To give an example, it no more makes Hisao seem stupid than an atheist character thinking "oh my God" would make people assume that he'd suddenly become deeply religious.

[Worthington]

My problem with the "The feeling is embarrassment line." is that it really sounds wooden and robotic. I think all of SC's criticisms apply. You're cutting down on the Purple Prose, which is good, but your narration is starting to flow awkwardly, which is bad. There's no clearly defined style, but you'll fall into that as you write more. Define Hisao as a character a bit more, too, it's hard to get a gauge of what he's like.

[Mirage_GSM]

The line didn't jump at me when I read the story, but I can see what SC is getting at.
I read it as some kind of self-depreciating thought, like "stupid me" rather than an actual decrease in intelligence.

[Brogurt]

Lunatics

…

A song has been occupying my consciousness for a while now. A lullaby, perhaps, sung by a chorus of crickets, batting their wings to no audible tune, but just as they see fit. I can feel the hypnosis begin to set in, when I am suddenly ambushed by a gust of cold air. Seeking warmth, I pull her towards me. An effort that does not go unnoticed, thankfully.

I open my eyes for a moment to absorb the view. The moon shines brightly in the night sky, unopposed. Stars speckle and dot the rest of the canvas, and not a single cloud is present to detract from the scene. Looking downwards, I see the cityscape on the horizon flourishing with color, and the jagged contours of rooftops and buildings striking out into the sky.

And inside that city are thousands of people, going about their day to day lives, concerning themselves with jobs and salaries; important things. It makes me feel insignificant, for a moment. As if I really am just a fish in the sea. As if there will be so much in life that I may never experience. Now that I think about it, though, I’d hate to be anyone else right now. I’m more than content simply sitting here, on the top of the highest hill, under the tallest tree, in the middle of the night, with my burn-scarred sweetheart.

Maybe she’s not a goddess among mortals, and maybe I’m not the ideal man either. We’ve been met with many problems that we could only take in stride. Problems rendered unavoidable, due to the very nature of us being here at Yamaku High: School for the disabled.

But I’ll be damned if fighting those problems wasn’t worth it.

And I’ll be damned if she’s anything short of an angel by now.

I turn my head towards the one who lies beside me. She catches my gaze and gives me a kiss in return. My eyes fall closed once again. If I could, I might just lay here, with her, for eternity, until our bones grow old and we calmly crumble to pieces. It certainly seems like an attractive prospect right now… Suddenly, something pulls me sharply to my right. What is she-?

Before I know it, the two of us are tumbling down the hill. I seem to be holding her closely, yet far enough away to see her face, and she is doing the same to me. How we so quickly achieved this balance leaves me puzzled, but my confusion is soon overwritten by exhilaration. She becomes the foreground to the cacophony of earth and sky I see behind her. Her hair is blown one way, masking her face in its entirety, then is blasted another direction, flinging away the black veil.

In the center of this turmoil, in the eye of the storm, I burst into laughter. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s out of sheer joy. I notice her doing something similar, except it looks like she’s trying to suppress her amusement. Now that I think about it, she seems to be quite prone to doing that. But now’s not the time to get hung up on such a thing. Oh, how alive I feel, to be thrown into blissful chaos by the one I love.

*Thump*

I detach from her and my rolling slows to a stop. The ride’s over, I guess. What a shame, too. I was really getting into it. I slowly get my bearings and take in the view around me. My eyes are attracted to a line of flowers, lying a few paces away. Violets and tiger lilies mostly, interspersed with other blossoms. For a moment, I consider picking one as a small gift, but then I am halted by my conscience. By taking one, I would ensure its swift death, and there would be no way to go back. I feel like even if I were to try, I wouldn’t be able to force my hand to commit such an atrocity. Not willing to dwell on such a morose topic, I sit back and admire their beauty, not daring to disturb them.

Suddenly, my thoughts return to that same angel that sent me crashing down. I find her lying on the ground too, and she has yet to help herself up to a sitting position, so I hurry to give her a hand. However, I make sure not to relinquish that hand afterwards. The following smile lets me know that my efforts are appreciated.

She opens her mouth for a moment, as if to speak, then she shuts it abruptly. I notice her expression change to a more worried one. At the very least, I feel inclined to figure out if something is the matter.

“Is there something you want to say? You seem anxious.”

“Y-yeah. Just a sec…”

She places herself opposite of me, and takes her time before resuming. She inhales thoroughly. I can see her shaking slightly, as well as a couple beads of sweat on her forehead, even despite the cold. I take note of her attempts to look at me straight, but she keeps averting her eyes. I wonder, just what could she be thinking of that could have her acting like this? Whatever it is, her behavior has me feeling uneasy too.

“Hisao?”

“Yeah?”

Whatever this is, it’s taking longer than it should. The quiet… It should be nice, but it’s not. I feel a bit of relief as she finally looks at me directly and begins speaking.

“I-I know this is kind of sudden, but… I th-think the time is right. I don’t… I don’t know what all we’re going to have to do to make this work, s-so…”

My relief vanishes as she pauses again. Luckily, this dreary silence is short-lived, yet it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She picks up where she left off.

“W-when we get back, d…d…do you want to make something happen? I… I know how we can at least stay safe… Y-you don’t have to worry about that.”

…

She lets out a breath of reprieve. But for me, this… is not what I expected. Is she really asking for what I think she is? The uneasiness in her voice, the degree of her stuttering… neither is something I’ve heard in a long time. I try to casually look at the sky while it ruminate this, but I’m not sure how successful I am at appearing casual. I’m not particularly happy about this habit I’ve made of trying to sidestep things or delay them. Although in my defense, this is a very weird thing to think about.

Sex.

Sex with Hanako.

I know how she is, so I won’t blame her for this, but… it’s not something that we’ve talked about before. And it’s not something I’d have expected from the shy girl with the burns on her face at the back of the room when I first entered Class 3-3. With how I’ve helped her though so many tough times in her life, I think I see her like a little sister or a daughter – to an extent. She hasn’t exactly had a father figure for the past several years of her life. In spite of that, I know inside that I am her boyfriend and she is my girlfriend. That isn’t debatable. I’m not looking just to be her caretaker. Maybe I’m just holding onto past impressions. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?

But I don’t want to feel like lust is the only thing keeping us together. And I definitely don’t want her to think that. Even worse is the thought that this could be the only reason we became so close in the first place. I shudder hard as I think about it. What a disgusting concept. As if I were chasing after the loneliest girl I could find, hoping that she might be easy. What bullshit. She’s not lonely, and I absolutely adore her. I haven’t been pressuring her to do this- or anything of the sort. That’s proof enough of my motivations. If anything, I’d be doing this in the name of devotion. Out of love, even. It’s not a sin to love another, is it?

Even then, what kind of pressure would this put on our relationship? We’re both already happier than either of us has ever been. Perhaps these are lines that we’d rather not cross. As if due to some misunderstanding, she is only bringing it up because she thinks that this is what I want, and I’m only going along since I think it’s what she wants. I feel that our communication is good enough, but I sometimes think that she values me too much to even consider speaking her mind if she thinks I might disagree. That’s not something I want. Not now.

“Is this what you really want? I mean, you’re not just trying to appease me, are you? If you don’t want to do this, then I don’t either. I hope you know that.”

That could have come out better. She shakes her head and grabs hold of my hands, and gazes into my eyes.

“I really want this.”

“You’re sure?”

“Y-yes. I just said-”

I am stricken by a feeling of remorse, forcing me to cut her off.

“Ok, sorry. I just wanted to be sure.”

So she does. I suppose it’s not a bad thing, to reach this highest level of physical intimacy if it helps us grow closer. Or rather, it shouldn’t be a bad thing. But the stress will weigh down on more than just my mind. I mean, I can’t just ignore my heart condition. It doesn’t work like that. After all, it takes two to tango.

I just don’t know. Right here, right now, she is asking for something that I may or may not even be able to give her. I mean, I’d hate to deny her something so important. I’d hate to say that the final, biggest step in our relationship is one that I’m not willing to take right now. I want her to know that I love her, but I fear for my own well-being too. I guess I’d better give her some sort of response.

“…”

I keep trying to get something out, but my muscles aren’t cooperating. It feels like I’m seizing up. Damn it, what am I trying to say? Do we dare engage in this sensual dance with Death?










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[Brogurt]

Times like this won’t last forever. I just can’t bring myself to say no to her. Plus, I think I can handle myself.

“Of course I do, Hanako. If that’s what you want.”

I wrap my arms around her and we share a celebratory kiss. Nonetheless, I think I should probably let her know about my own concerns beforehand. I don’t want there to be any words left unspoken between us.

“But there’s something you should know.”

While her face had indeed been lit up at my former statement, the second one leaves a small scar across her countenance. Her face is still beaming, but for a moment I see her falter. I hope I’m not going to be too depressing in saying this.

“I know I’ve been doing better about, you know…”

I gesture towards the left side of my chest, towards the cage in which my hamstrung heart resides.

“But I’m still not sure if I’ll be to take the strain on my heart yet. I think there’s still a small chance that something could happen.”

And after countless medication switches, a small chance may be the best I’ll get.

“But I know this means a lot to you, and if you would like nothing less, I’ll take that risk.”

…

Her eyes begin to tear up, and she no longer bears the hopeful shine that she just did. This can’t be good. I know how elated she was when I first said yes, so I give voice to my worries.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

It doesn’t come out as sincerely as I hoped. She remains silent, before finally responding.

“N… n-nevermind…”

“Never mind? I thought you were serious about this.”

Again, my voice comes out harsher than I expected. Shit. I hope I don’t sound angry with her.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t want to lose you!”

I physically reel back at her outburst.

“You know what you mean to me! I’m not going to take this chance! I’m sorry!”

I hear a disturbance in her voice. Even in yelling, it sounds like she’s choking up.

“Y-you’re the only one that’s really b-been there for me. The only one that’s appreciated me, and helped me find the confidence I needed. I mean… Lilly’s nice and all, b-but I always thought she only accepted me because she couldn’t see me. You’re… d-different than that.”

She starts sniveling before saying her next line.

“I… I… I was being stupid. I got ahead of myself. It’s just… things have been going so well between us, I thought we were invincible… I’ll be okay though, if this doesn’t happen at all… As long I can be with you. Is… is that a-alright?”

Damn. I don’t think ever seen anything so heart-wrenchingly sad in my life. I might call it pathetic if I didn’t have more respect for her. What’s more, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t cheer her up right here and now.

I open my arms wide and make a gesture inward with my fingertips.

“C’mere.”

She gazes up at me with bloodshot eyes. I see her frown crack and reveal a smile. Following this heartwarming sight, she dives right into my arms, and I close them around her as tightly as ever. With how closely I’m holding her, I think I can feel her heartbeat. Maybe. Perhaps it’s mine. Or perhaps it’s ours. Beating together, in unison.

I feel like I’d actually be ready now. If I can match my heartbeat with someone with no heart problems, especially in a situation like this, maybe my limits aren’t as bad as they appear. But she doesn’t seem interested. And that’s alright. I’ll come to her when I think I’m ready.

“We’ll find a way to make this work. I promise.”

I do feel kind of bad about making her wait for my sake. She has a point, though; I don’t want to die. So, until that time comes for us to consummate this union, I guess there’s always room for improvement as far as my condition goes. I might even reach a point where I no longer need medication to handle it. I know it’s not incredibly likely, but it’s a nice goal to work towards. I suppose I’ll just keep chasing this light at the end of the tunnel. And I’m okay with that, as long as she’s chasing it by my side.

[Brogurt]

We’ve gotten this far by taking things slowly, so I don’t feel like rushing into something this big is a good idea. I think I care about myself -and her- too much to do something as rash as this.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t… It’s-“

“It’s because I’m ugly, isn’t it? You just don’t want to see how bad the scarring really is!”

She erupts with a fierceness I’ve never seen out of her before. I quickly look away in fear. This isn’t good. She must genuinely believe what she’s saying. It is true that I have never seen her unclothed form, but what she said isn’t true at all. I finally muster the courage to look at her, and then I notice something that halts me in my tracks. Tears. A great deal of them, streaming down the face that I’ve worked so hard to keep them away from.

A spike of pain hits between my ribs. My eyes freeze open. I try to let out a yell and shut my eyes in pain, but neither happens. The dull throbbing in my head increases in volume ten-fold, or so it seems to me. My vision is flooded with amorphous spots of red, gray, and black. Dancing, swirling, jerking about, a grand chaotic mess is my last vision before it all cuts to nothing. My last sense, a single solitary shriek piercing the night.

…

*Thump-thump*

*Thump-thump*

*Thump-thump*

Before anything else, I become aware of my heartbeat. Suddenly, a bright light. It elicits a groan out of me.

“Ah, so you’re awake. Can you hear me?”

The voice sounds distinctly male, and somewhat friendly. I guess I’d better respond.

“Yeah…”

“You sound like you’re still pretty lethargic. I don’t suppose I should expect very much response out of you. Anyway, I guess you’d like to know what’s going on, hmm? You’ve suffered another heart attack. It’s not serious enough that we’ll have to hospitalize you for any extended amount of time, but you should still stay a while.”

He continues rattling on for a time, and right before he dives into the medical jargon, I make an effort to tune him out. After doing so, my vision starts coming around. I guess I can only focus on doing one thing at a time right now. It looks it’s none other than Nurse talking to me, and there’s no one else in the room. Hmm, this bed is surprisingly soft… Just when I’m about to cut him out entirely and rest some more, he says something that catches my ear.

“By the way, a sweet young girl brought you here. I imagine you two are familiar, since she requested to speak with you privately.”

I think I see him cast me a stern glare.

“I certainly hope you weren’t doing anything too reckless.”

I certainly wasn’t, but I’m in no condition to protest, so I let it slide.

“Anyway, I’ll leave you two to discuss whatever it is she wants to talk to you about.”

He leaves, closing the door behind him. I have to really strain myself to move my head enough to see his exit. I hear some muffled voices, and then someone steps through the door.

I can make out a light frame with dark hair. It must be Hanako. When she gets closer, her scarring shows up, and my suspicions are confirmed. Not a big surprise, considering what had just been happening recently. It’s kind of strange, disturbing even, how she refrains from physical contact. She seems too nervous to speak, so I break the silence with my weak, rasping voice.

“Sorry about that… I couldn’t bear to see you so angry at me…”

I can’t see her face and I can’t judge her reaction from here, so I continue.

“Anyway, I guess I’d better explain myself… Like I’ve told you before, I have some… problems with my heart. As you can see.”

She remains motionless. Her hands stay clenched, straight at her sides.

“I know how much this means to you. And it means a lot to me too, to see you happy. Don’t think that I don’t care about you, because I do. Your scars haven’t mattered to me, and they still don’t. I just need more time, for my own sake. Can you forgive me for that?”

I offer her my hand. After a few seconds, I prepare to let it drop. I avert my eyes. It’s over. The damage is done. She brought me here out of common courtesy to not let me die, and that’s it. She doesn’t need me anymore. She’s probably done waiting. I’ve already given her the courage to make something more out of her life. She must want someone else a bit more fully-functioning now, who doesn’t need to worry constantly about overexerting himself, who can get a point across without having a heart attack, and who isn’t most likely impotent in more ways than one. Even consumed in these thoughts, I can’t find it in me to shed a single tear. I guess this is it.

But before my hand can fall, something stops it. Huh? I look up at Hanako blankly. She appears to be gripping my left hand with her right. I… don’t know quite what to expect right now. She squeaks out a response, her voice trembling.

“I’m the one who should be s-sorry. I overreacted. And I forgot your limits. These scars don’t matter. I… I should have known that by now. It just seemed like, with all the questions and delays… th-that you didn’t want to…”

Maybe if I were in a more stable condition, I’d be a bit more reactant to this news, but I’m not. A weak grin will suffice. Of course, I have to raise issue with what she said at the end.

“Those were legitimate concerns. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to do this.”

“I know that now. I-I’m sorry.”

“…So why were you so cold when you walked in? You just kind of stood there silently.”

“I thought you were going to be mad at me! Since I got mad at you and… gave you a heart attack.”

I try to comfort her in the best way I can with my response.

“Do you know how hard it is for me to stay mad at you?”

She pauses for a moment, then finally brushes her hair aside and looks at me expectantly.

“S-so does that mean you forgive me?”

What an odd question. Of course I do.

“Cross my heart…”

Although I suppose there is one condition I would like fulfilled.

“…But only if you forgive me for almost dying. And for taking so much time to ready myself for you.”

I think I can see her smile a bit. The silence carries on for a while, but it’s oddly fitting. Anyway, I suppose I better take care of some loose ends.

“So… some other time, then? You know, uh, relating to…”

I choose not to finish my sentence. She gets my meaning anyway, and nods appropriately.

“…By the way, do you think you could get me some tea? I’m kind of thirsty.”

“S-sure thing.”

…

“Hisao?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t leave when you’re still holding on to me.”

My cheeks grow warm, and she giggles. I have to force myself to let go of her hand, yet I manage. She sends one last smile my way and turns around as she prepares to leave… But one last request comes to my mind.

“Oh, and one more thing…”

She swings around again to face me, eyebrows raised. Our gazes lock at once.

“Get some for yourself too. I’m not the only one here who’s been through a lot lately.”

[Brogurt]

Just when you think that you’re verging on a normal relationship, things come crashing down as you are reminded of just who and where you are. But that’s alright, because some of us would simply prefer a meaningful relationship over a “normal one”. Now, as far as criticism goes, I have two concerns for this work.

1. Did I make the two options seem equal? If you wouldn’t mind, please tell me which you picked first (don’t lie, I know you clicked and/or read one of the options before the other) and why. Was it because of your personal inclinations to or away from reading such “lewd” content, or did my writing influence you somehow?
2. Was this too ambitious? I felt like I just started haphazardly tossing tropes I liked into the situation, and on top of that, I chose to write two different outcomes for it. I don’t want to feel like my writing has been spread thin thanks to all this.

To be honest, I think I’d probably have preferred not writing the part at the beginning, before the big question. Too many words, too little speaking, at least for my tastes. But I wanted to set the scene, since it would feel incomplete without it.
And there you have it. I put a lot of time into this, more than either of the others, so it should have at least surpassed them. I’d hope for nothing less than to be able to call this my personal magnum opus of Hanako-related fanfiction.