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Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:41 am
by Mirage_GSM
Time for the next chapter. Enjoy ;-)

*****

Day 1, 22:00
„No can do, Leon.“ I take Leon's backpack and throw it on the other bed. „Can't you see I'm much too fat for just one bed? I'll need both beds on this side.“

He laughs and Hisao joins in. It's not really a problem. These compartments are made for four people and we are only three, so it's actually quite spacious, but I made Leon laugh, and I always count that as a personal victory. He is always much too tense about everything.

After we boarded the train we just threw our luggage into our compartments and immediately went to the dining car to have a late dinner. It was actually quite good, compared to the stuff you usually get on trains, but the servings could have been bigger. We only just returned here and started to make ourselves comfortable.

„You shouldn't have eaten double servings, Ooki,“ Hisao teases me. „Then you wouldn't have to worry about the bed breaking down beneath you.“

„Oh, I know how to solve that problem.“ I push my suitcase beneath the bed. „See, now it's supported from beneath, and I can sleep peacefully.“ Actually my peaceful sleep is hardly assured, but I don't even need to mention that.

I sit down on the bed. It creaks slightly, and I make a show of wincing, but I know it is certified for more than my 125kg.

„Case... er... break?“

„Actually, that is a good objection, Leon.“ I pull the suitcase back out and take out a collection of chocolates. „There's nothing fragile in there, but I wouldn't want my emergency rations to get squashed.“

Smiling, I offer a handful of candies to my friends which they graciously accept.

There's a knock on the door, and two seconds later it slides to the side revealing Emi and Rin.

Emi immediately spots the sweets in my hands and shoots an accusatory glance Hisao's way. „Hisao, what's that you're eating there?“

Hisao is frantically trying to swallow, so I answer for him. „Strawberry Kit Kat. Want one? I also have Red Bean and Ginger Ale flavour.“

Emi shoots me a disgusted look and turns to Hisao. „You know you shouldn't eat stuff like that. It's bad for you.“

Now Hisao looks annoyed as well. „Come on, it was just...“

„I'll take one.“

Emi turns around and looks at Rin in surprise. „What?“

„I'd like to try one. Red Bean flavour sounds interesting.“

I suspect Rin's sudden interest in chocolate bars is more or less a ruse to cut short the brewing domestic quarrel between Hisao and Emi, but I place the candy box on the small table in the middle of the room.

Rin sits down on the empty bed, deftly takes one and tries to remove the wrapper. This seems to be a bit difficult using only her feet, but eventually she manages and takes a bite, chewing extensively.

She sits there thinking before venturing an opinion. „This is good. May I try another?“

I gesture at the box, signalling my assent, and Rin grabs a Ginger Ale Kit Kat.

Emi sits down next to Hisao, their quarrel already forgotten.

Meanwhile Rin has finished her second Kit Kat bar, proclaiming it tasty as well and is reaching for a third. She is becoming better with the wrappers as well, taking ever less time to reveal the chocolate beneath.

She must really like those candies, for she shows no signs of stopping. As I watch in awe, she continues eating, and the pile of wrappings on the table grows larger and larger.

I've lost count of how many Kit Kat bars she has devoured by now. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wonder if I really had that many to begin with, but does it really matter?

All those candies are beginning to have an effect by now. Rin's usually scrawny figure becomes more and more bloated until her bulk has doubled, then tripled. I want to tell her to stop, that eating so much is dangerous, but all I can do is watch in fascination.

She is almost as fat now as I am myself. This can't be good! I have to...

„BAM! I was lying face down in the sand, and that was the last time I ever tried long jump... Oh I'm sorry Ooki, did I wake you?“

Gradually my mind adjusts to reality again. I focus my sleepy eyes on Emi. „Yes, you did, but it's okay, I probably wouldn't be able to sleep at all this night if you hadn't.“

I turn my head to look at Rin, who is still sitting on the bed next to me – scrawny as ever – and looking at me with a curious gaze.

„Say, Ooki, do you have enough dreams for all the time you're sleeping?“

Images from my dream pop up in my head, and I feel my face flushing red. „Uh, yes, usually I do.“ I try to avoid the subject as best I can.

„You know, you're very lucky. I often try to dream more, but I can't seem to manage falling asleep. Of course people always tell me, I dream even when I am awake, but somehow it's not quite the same...“ She looks at me as if she expects some deep insights from me.

„I... I think I know what you mean.“ I don't know, if that is true, but I forge ahead anyway. „Dreams you have while you're awake are much more... ordinary.“ Though I'm not sure if that is true for Rin as well. For all I know she could be having crazy dreams all the time.

Rin seems to give that some serious thought. „Maybe you're right. So you have a lot of unordinary dreams then?“

„Well, guess you could say that, but there are also times when I can't sleep at all.“

Rin nods sagely. „I know. I have those, too. It's worst during math lessons, because Mrs. Tamamura has such a grating voice.“ She sighs as if the inability to sleep through math lessons were a terrible burden for her to bear... Maybe it is.

„Did you ever try to paint your dreams?“

„No, I can't draw anything but stick figures. When I was younger I tried to write them down for some time, but I stopped somehow.“ That was when my little brother found my dream diary, and I was subjected to five weeks of ridicule.

„Rin... ah... and paint... Ooki.“

„Great idea, Leon!“ Hisao turns to Rin. „Why don't you have Ooki tell you about his dreams and you paint them.“

Rin tilts her head to the side. „I don't know. Why don't I?“

Hisao ignores the question. „Ooki, were you dreaming of anything just now?“

„Uh... Let's wait until we're in Teshikaga. Rin doesn't have any canvas here, and I'm sure I'll have other more unordinary dreams until then.“

„But...“

I'm saved by a knock on the door. “Come in!”

The door opens, and Mr. Nomiya stands in the corridor. „It's quarter past eleven. Girls, back to your compartments. The train is not going to wait for you if you oversleep.“ He tries to look strict but fails horribly.

Emi looks disappointed, but doesn't protest. She and Rin say their goodbyes and two minutes later we're on our own again.

„Well, I guess I'll get ready for bed.“ I grab my toilet bag and head for the tiny lavatory. „I think I'm still a bit sleepy.“ That part is a lie, but it should prevent Hisao and Leon from asking further about my dream...

*****

next: Ikuno

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 5:21 am
by moonpalace
You are a truely brilliant writer.

Do you edit your work many times or does your streamlined, elegant prose simply flow forth like a beautiful stream from the unfathomed depths of your creative mind?

Those paragraphs where Rin begins eating more and more chocolates really drew me in. You built up and sustained the suspension of disbelief by starting with such a simple idea and cleverly developing it untill "BAM!" and I literally felt I was poor Ooki, sharply awakened from the sublime surreality.

Fanastic work unlocking the potential power of first person perspective. Eagerly awaiting your next installment. :wink:

.*edit- I forgot to mention, I had a real sense of that feeling which I have often experienced in the hypnopompic state. It was quite captivating.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:05 am
by Mirage_GSM
I don't know wheter I would call myself 'creative'. In fact the creative part of writing is the one that is the hardest for me...
Before I started writing the story, I chose the characters, made a few notes about personal backgrounds and read up on ther illnesses/disabilities. I have a broad concept of what should happen in the story, but the small stories in each chapter are what's truly difficult. I usually spend a few days just going through the possibilities in my head.
Once that is done, the actual writing is relatively easy. Takes me no more than one or two hours to write down one of those chapters with little to no editing.
After that I might spend another few hours debating the placement of a comma with my editors, but what that has taught me about English grammar is invaluable 8)

Of course, some characters are easier to write than others. Ooki is very fun to write, though the dream sequence was a bit tricky. I might comment on the hard to write characters once we get to their scenes.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 9:49 am
by Petermeter
Heh, the comma discussion was one thing where I learned about my mistakes, too. Not that I'm gonna change because of that :P
Anyways, Ookis chapter was one of my favourites so far, so I thought I'd comment on it, too.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 9:59 am
by AapoAlas
,

I think it should be about there.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 2:57 am
by Mirage_GSM
Guess what? Time for another scene (These are a bit to short for me to call chapters...)

*****

Day 1, 23:00
I insert the test strip into the glucose meter and wait for the results. One hundred and twenty-three... A bit high, but since dinner was very late today, this is to be expected. Not enough to justify another dose of insulin.

My fingertips hurt a bit. Maybe I should switch to taking blood from my forearm for a time. It's harder to get enough blood from there, but it's less painful in the long run, and it gives my fingertips time to heal.

I just used up the last test strip from the packet, so I open a new one and calibrate my glucose meter to the new batch. There's 50 strips in there, which should be enough to last me until we're back at Yamaku with a few to spare. If not, I'm sure I'll find a pharmacy somewhere in this town we're staying in.

Satisfied I repack my instruments, carefully disposing the bloodied needle and test strip into the container.

I open the door to the lavatory and step back into our compartment. Lilly is already in her nightgown, but Hanako shows no intention of changing. I bite back a sigh. That girl is so exasperating at times. She's acting like she's the only one with problems. She really needs to get herself a boyfriend – preferably soon.

Better not suggest that to her directly, though, or she might faint on me. „You can use the bath now, Hanako.“

She only nods, quickly squeezes past me and disappears into the lavatory. She's probably even going to change in there...

It's much too cramped in there for me to even consider that. I make sure the compartment door is locked, take out my nightgown and start undressing.

Lilly isn't saying anything, so I try to make a little conversation. „This train journey must be pretty hard for Hanako.“

Lilly turns towards me. „Yes, but Okinawa and Kyoto would have been even worse, and in our youth hostel there will be double rooms. I don't think I could have convinced her to come otherwise.“ She smiles ruefully. „It's not because of you, Ikuno, please understand.“

This time I don't bother hiding my sigh. „I know, Lilly, but sometimes I think what she really needs is someone to give her a piece of their mind and a good shellacking.“ I notice Lilly's expression and add, „Don't worry, I'll restrain myself.“

I finish changing, when a thought occurs to me. „Say, Lilly, do you believe Hanako is going to be able to sleep with me being in the compartment?“

She hesitates. That and her expression are answer enough for me. „I thought so. Well, don't worry, I'll find someplace else to sleep." I grab my bed sheets and head for the door.

„Where are you going?“

„Well, I certainly won't bother Mizuki and Misaki, but I don't think Emi, Rin and Mai will mind if I stay in their compartment.“

I can physically feel her relief when Lilly smiles at me. „Thank you, Ikuno.“

„Well, chances are, I wouldn't have been able to sleep here either, with her fidgeting around all night. See you tomorrow.“ I open the door and step into the empty corridor, hoping she didn't hear the embarrassment in my voice.

I tiptoe along the corridor until I stand in front of the other compartment and knock. I hear rustling inside, and a few seconds later the door slides open.

Rin is standing there and stares at me vacantly. She turns her head. „It's only Ikuno.“

„I'm sorry I'm only me.” I try to sound annoyed, but fail to keep the grin from showing on my face. „Now, can I please come inside before Mr. Nomiya or one of the nurses comes along?“

Rin steps to the side, and I hurry into the compartment. Its three inhabitants look at me and the bed sheets I'm carrying with curiosity. „Did Lilly and Hanako throw you out?“

„Nah, I just figured staying here with you would be a lot more fun.“

Mai grins. „You're damn right about that. Now we just have to hope the twins don't freeze out Nanami, or it will really get tight in here.“

I drop my stuff on the empty bed and start arranging it. „If you ask me, those three are just perfect for each other."

„Don't say that. Nanami is not half as bad as those two conceited gits,“ Emi protests.

I give her a sour glance. „Why not? She's almost as bad as Hakamichi, always running to the teachers and complaining whenever someone breaks a rule.“

„It's not like that!“ We all turn to Mai in surprise. I've never heard her being so vehement about anything before. She blushes a little from all the attention and continues meekly. „It's just... She has a good reason for what she does.“

„And what might that be?“

Mai looks me in the eye with new determination. „I promised her not to tell anyone, okay?“

I decide to let it drop. It's not like Nanami ever caused any problems to me personally. I finish preparing my bed and slip inside, flipping the light switch before I settle in.

For a few seconds there is no sound except for the regular rumbling of the train. Then Mai's voice breaks the silence. „Say, Emi, you've been talking to that new boy, Kenta, during the drive to the station, haven't you?“

„Yup.“ I can practically hear a grin spreading over her face.

„What did you talk about?“

„Oh, nothing much,“ Emi replies nonchalantly. „He seemed lost and didn't know anyone, so I told him who was who in the group. I also asked him to join the track and field team, but he declined.“

„Hey, don't you go keeping all the new guys for yourself,“ I interrupt in mock annoyance. „You already got the last one. How about it, Mai? Interested?“

The embarrassed silence is answer enough. Before Mai is able to think of a reply Emi chimes in. „So I wasn't mistaken when I saw you two flirting at the platform.“

„We weren't flirting.“ Mai's protest is rather weak. „Did... Did he say anything else?“

„Well, he moved here two weeks ago with his mother.“ She hesitates for a moment, then continues. „He's at Yamaku because of Asthma. No idea how bad. Any more, you'd have to talk to Hisao. I tuned out of the conversation once they started talking about books.“

Time to let Mai off the hook... „Speaking of Hisao, how are the two of you doing?“

Now it's Emi's turn to be embarrassed. „Fine... I mean... Is it that obvious? We didn't advertise...“

„Oh come on, you'd have to be blind and deaf not to notice. So when did you start dating?“

„A week before the holidays.“

„And?“

„And what?“

„Don't play dumb Emi. You know damn well what I'm talking about. How far did you go?“

„Well, we... kissed.“

„Nothing more?“ I try to keep the disappointment from my voice.

„We're taking it slowly, okay?“ For a moment I think she's going to add something, but she stays silent.

„The problem is not in his pants, if that's what you think.“ Damn, that came out of the left field. Rin has been so quiet all the time that I thought she was already asleep.

For a few seconds you could hear a pin drop, then Mai starts giggling. „Well, Emi, that's one thing less you have to worry about.“

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 11:41 am
by DMGnome
Mirage_GSM wrote: „The problem is not in his pants, if that's what you think.“
Oh Rin.

I really like these light little slice-of-life scenes. I have to ask, though, what's up with the quotation marks?

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 12:33 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Those are due to open office. I didn't even notice that until SC pointed it out, because German quotation marks always look like this.
I recently switched to Word and now there are English quotation marks when I set the document language to english. I didn't bother to go through the whole text to replace them though. So the quotation marks should change three or four chapters from now.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:00 pm
by Silentcook
Mirage_GSM wrote:I recently switched to Word
I'm SO sorry. Nobody should be subjected to that, ever. :(

:3

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 1:13 pm
by Mirage_GSM
Don't blame yourself too hard. I didn't change because of the quotation marks.
Rather Calc was missing a few funtions I've grown rather fond of, so I changed to Excel.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 2:09 pm
by scott1and
I'm really starting to enjoy this, Rin's comments will always make any story more interesting, plus its a good difference when the inner comments change from person to person, rather than keeping with a copy and pasted narrative.

Keep it up :mrgreen:

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 8:07 pm
by griffon8
I'm really enjoying these. It's great how you get into each character's head.

Now some editorial comments. (You just knew I'd have some. :) )

In Ooki's tale, when he's dreaming of Rin getting fat: 'double, ten triple' should be 'double, then triple'.

Ikuno's tale needs a closing quote after the period here: 'sleep. I grab'

And Ikuno's tale needs a closing quote at the end here: 'perfect for each other.'

Keep up the good work!

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 2:46 am
by Mirage_GSM
Meet Jun:


Day 2, 07:30
It's half past seven when I leave the lavatory. The train won't arrive in Sapporo for another two hours, but I got up a bit early so I could grab a quick smoke before the teachers rise.

Takumi and Kenta are talking quietly. „Good morning. I hope I didn't wake you two.”

Takumi turns his head in my general direction. „No, I didn't sleep very well with the train and all that. I've been awake for more than an hour. Must have dozed for a few minutes when you got in there. I'll get dressed and then we can get something to eat. The dining car should already be open.”

He swings his legs out of the bed, feels around for his toilet bag and disappears into the lavatory.

Well, an early breakfast is also an option. I take out my pack of cigarettes and move to the window.

„Uh... Jun, could you please...” Kenta fidgets around without actually finishing his request.

„Don't like cigarettes?”

„That too, but I also have asthma.”

„Bummer.” I put my cigarettes back into my pocket. „Well, I'll try to find me a nice place to smoke. Meet up in the dining car in ten?”

„We'll be there as soon as we're ready.” Right. I have no idea how long it will take Takumi to get ready.

I nod my assent and slip out of the compartment. The dining car is further up front, so I head to the back of the train. No one from our group should have any reason to be here. I open one of the windows a bit, take a cigarette from my pack and light it...

Ten minutes later I walk past our compartment. It's empty. So Takumi isn't a slowpoke after all. I continue towards the dining car where I find Kenta and Takumi sitting at a table together with Ooki. „Morning, Ooki, sleep well?”

Ooki looks up from his plate. „Hi Jun. Of course I did. Seven times.”

We've done this particular joke several times before, so both of us are keeping a straight face. Kenta however looks at Ooki worriedly. „Did you also have trouble sleeping in a moving train?”

Right. New kid. He doesn't know. Well, Ooki will...

„No, I'm a narcoleptic. My sleeping rhythm is crazier than the Mad Hatter. If I keel over, please make sure I don't drown in my cornflakes.”

Kenta is looking at me confusedly. I pat him on the shoulder. „Don't worry, it's food, he won't waste it.“

Takumi rises from his seat. „I'm going to get something to eat.”

„Right behind you.“ Despite saying that, I lead the way. Together with Kenta I help Takumi fill his plate. And we rejoin Ooki, who is by now sleeping peacefully propped against the window.

„Just let him sleep, He'll come around shortly.”

Kenta moves to sit down, when I interrupt him. „Do you mind if I take the window seat?”

Kenta steps to the side. „Not much of a view at the moment with all those clouds.”

„It's not the view. It's just that I don't like having people sit on my right side.“ I point to my ear. „I'm deaf on that one. My parents thought they'd spare their little baby the pain of a vaccination. Came down with mumps. I don't have any memories about it, but at least I've got something to remember it by.”

We sit down again and start to eat. A few minutes later Ooki wakes up again and continues to eat his breakfast as if nothing had happened.

„So what about the other guys? Sleeping in?”

„I guess. They didn't stir when I got up. I think Hisao is usually running with Emi every morning, so he'll probably savour sleeping in...”

He looks past my face. I turn around and see Emi entering the dining car, dragging a very groggy-looking Hisao behind her. „Well, at least Leon can sleep in.”

Emi greets us all cheerfully, and they sit down at the table next to ours.

Soon the rest of our group is starting to arrive, and Mr. Nomiya is taking the chance for an announcement. „As you all know the train will arrive in Sapporo at half past ten. There we will have two hours to explore the city before we board the bus to our destination.”

A whole two hours to explore Sapporo - probably less than that if you deduct the time we'll need to get off the train and board the bus. Well, it's going to be enough to get me a new pack of cigarettes...

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:57 am
by Mirage_GSM
New Chapter:

Day 2, 10:45
We sit on a bench close to the brand new main station of Sapporo. Most of the others are lounging around close by. Only Jun has gone off somewhere, and the fat guy has left, probably to buy some more snacks.

I don't know how the teacher got the idiotic idea to plan an hour of sightseeing here. Nobody wants to drag all their luggage along for something like that, and it's just not worth it to find a locker. At least it's a last opportunity to stretch one's legs before we start on the last leg of our journey.

To be honest, I'd much rather have joined the Okinawa group. They went by airplane, and I could already be baking in the sun on the beach by now. But no, she had to go to some backwater place in Hokkaido. And why? Because she's such a big fan of Mr. Nomiya. Why? He doesn't even know sign!

Let's see... The whole Art Club has chosen to come here, and they'll probably spend all the time painting landscapes. What's worse, everyone who knows even a bit of sign is in the Art Club: Nanami, Leon,...

Well, I guess that leaves Jun, but his sign is atrocious. I guess I will have to tag along with them and be bored to death for a week. She is going to owe me big time for this.

There's movement to my left. I turn to catch the last of what she's been signing. ...on your mind?

I shake my head. Just noticed your whole club took this trip. I hope you won't spend all your time with them.

Hey, don't worry, Mr. Nomiya said there would be plenty of activities other than painting, and maybe you'd like painting if you only tried...

I think I'll pass. I can think of better ways to waste my time. Jun for example.

She grins. She knows I'm not serious. Damn, that's the downside of knowing each other too well. Come on, he can't even talk properly. She seems to think of something. Maybe you could persuade Nanami to skip some club activities. She hates painting almost as much as you do.

You're not serious. Why did she join the Art Club then?

Therapy. She told me yesterday when you were in the lavatory. She's in the Art Club to help train her motor skills.

I thought she was only naturally clumsy. You know what's wrong with her?

Apart from that and her hearing problem? No. She never talks about it to anyone as far as I know... Well, maybe she told Kitamiya. Those two've been really close recently.

I shrug. If she doesn't want to talk that's her problem. I almost jump as a shadow falls on me from behind and turn around.

Jun is standing behind us with a smug grin on his face. Who close?

There's that horrible excuse for sign language again. Maybe he thinks being deaf on only one ear means he only needs to do the gestures halfway as well. If you didn't get that, you should practice your sign more. Besides, didn't they tell you it is impolite to eavesdrop?

Jun watches my gestures intently and his grin becomes even more smug. Did not eavesdrop. Just watch.

How I'd like to wipe that grin right off his face, but I'd never stoop that low. Instead I make a shooing gesture, and Jun retreats towards his pals still laughing.

Are you still going to tell me you want to hang out with him? Somehow his smug grin has found its way onto her face.

Now don't you start as well! I'd rather date a guy from 3-2.

Oooh, that's low, even for your standards. She grins and this time it's a genuine one. I try to remain stern for a moment longer, but then I join in as well.

I simply can't stay mad at her for long. She's more a part of myself than just my sister. We'll always be there for each other. Always.

Re: Tripping

Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:58 pm
by scott1and
Another good chapter, bit short though, but then again I'm not writing them so I can't complain :mrgreen: . Just wondering though, the sisters in the last chapter, are they conjoined twins or are they just really close and reclusive, sorry if you mentioned it previously I just can't remember.