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Only thing I can really say is that you should just keep working on your grammar and spelling. Other than that, I like how you portray (pun intended) Hisao's relationship with Rin, as well as how Hisao tries to figure out both art and Rin.

Keep em coming ^_^

Leotrak wrote:Only thing I can really say is that you should just keep working on your grammar and spelling. Other than that, I like how you portray (pun intended) Hisao's relationship with Rin, as well as how Hisao tries to figure out both art and Rin.

Keep em coming ^_^

Thank you your feedback means alot to me.
Ill continue to try and improve the areas that need improving

quite impressive, and keeps my attention (and believe me, some things I'll glance at and then ignore)

looking forward to more of your writings

It's very sweet. Good going there.

I'm working on grammar now more than ever. I cant promise perfection on my fourth story but I'm going to spend a lot more time checking my work

Hanako's Timid Adventure

Class today was as unbearable as ever. Mr. Mutou scratched equations onto the chalkboard the entire time just mumbling incoherently. The sound of the chalk hitting the board was about to make me stand up from my seat and start screaming!
Salvation! The lunch bell rings and despite being the furthest seat from the door I managed to be the first of of the door.

Hisao: Thank God!

I walked down the hallway trying to calm myself down. I can't stand it anymore. Only two weeks in and I'm going insane!
A voice behind me brings me back to the world around me, thankfully more sane than when I left.

???: Um... H-Hisao are you a-alright? You b-bolted from the room so s-suddenly.

I turned around and saw Hanako standing there. She was very nervous and was standing in her usual reclusive stance.

Hisao: Oh Hanako, Sorry about that I just couldn't stand listening to Mr. Mutou's mumbling anymore.

Hanako: Oh its alright, Mr. Mutou's lesson are r-really boring... b-but you get used to them... with time.

I'm so glad Hanako came along when she did. Her meek personality helps put me at easy.

Hanako: Um... Hisao, w-w-want to go to the tea room n-now.

Hisao: Sure lets go.

Tea sounded really good right now. I followed Hanako to the tea room, along the way I watched her play tile games. After I memorized the pattern I started playing too, Hanako gave me a cute smile as I caught up to her. I imagine the two of us would look very strange to people who were watching us skip across the hallway.
We reached the tea room and opened the door. The room had little furniture but radiated with a relaxing aura. I noticed that the room was empty and I was wondering were Lilly was.

Hisao: Hey Hanako were you supposed to meet Lilly at the classroom?

Hanako Um... Um..

Hanako became to nervous trying to remember whether she had forgotten to meet up with Lilly somewhere.
A minute later she looks up at me.

Hanako: I-I don't think so.

Hisao: Hanako you go ahead and relax I'll go over to Lillie's class and see if she's there.

Hanako: O-Okay' I-I'll prepare some tea for you.

I smiled and gave her thanks before leaving the room and walking down the hallway to Lillie's classroom.
I peered through the door and noticed Lilly chatting feverishly with Kenji. Knowing full well that a conversation with Kenji was very dangerous I made my way to them and stepped in between them.

Hisao: Good morning Lilly, can I help you...

I was interrupted by Kenji's sudden scream.

Kenji: Feminist Reinforcements!

Hisao: Wow Kenji chill out its me, Hisao!

Kenji adjusted his glasses and moved way to close to my face!

Kenji: Oh Hisao glad your here, Lilly here is trying to oppress and silence me.

Hisao: Kenji I'll help you when you pay me back... Come on Lilly Hanako is waiting for us at the tea room.

Lilly: Yes, thank you Hisao. Will you help me to the Tea room.

Hisao: Of course Lilly, just follow me.

She reached out and gentle grabbed a hold of my sleeve. She turned and smiled toward me.

Hisao: Lead the way.

We walk out of the classroom together, as we start down the hall I hear Kenji's voice yelling from back in the classroom.

Kenji: TRAITOR!

Hisao: "YA YA" I yelled back.

Lilly was laughing next me,

Lilly: Oh I don't know whats wrong with that Kenji boy, he is so strange.

Hisao: Your telling me, I have to live next to the guy.

Lilly: "Poor dear" Lilly whispered in a very hushed voice.

I chuckled and continue down the hall.
When we reached the Tea room I knocked on the door.

Hanako: C-Come in...

Lilly: Giggling, "silly you don't have to knock it's only the two of us"

Hisao: That's why I did, I thought it would be better than giving Hanako a heart attack.

Well I'm the only one that is actually has any chance of having heart attack around here.
I opened the door and saw Hanako getting ready a cup of tea for me and Lilly.

Hanako: Oh... Lilly how would you like your tea.

Lilly: Please could you make it not to hot.

Hanako: Okay.

I sat down and tried the tea Hanako placed in front of me.

Hisao: Yum, this is really good Hanako. What kind of tea is it?

Hanako: Its... Its j-just regular Earl Grey.

Hisao: Thank you its especially delicious.

Hanako started blushing and turned away from me covering her face behind her long dark purple hair. Lilly giggled.

Hisao: What?

Lilly: "Oh nothing" she giggled

We spent the rest of the lunch period chatting and drinking tea. Lilly brought little sandwiches for us to eat.

Hisao: Thank you Lilly, if I knew we were all bringing something I would have prepared something for us to eat.

Lilly: Oh Hisao: it's alright, don't stress over it.

Hanako: Y-Yes... its alright.

Hisao: No. I'm going to bring something nice tomorrow so you better bring an appetite tomorrow.

Lilly: Alright, I cant wait to try.

The lunch bell rang and we left the tea room. Hanako escorted Lilly back to her class, which made science. It would help Lilly get back to class on time and Mr. Mutou never seemed to care if Hanako was late anyways.

See ya later Lilly, and I'll see you in class Hanako.

Hanako & Lilly: Bye.

I made it back to class just before the late bell rang. I was still getting looks from people. I guess my sprint for freedom looked stranger than I thought.
Mr. Mutou didn't pay me any mind, nor did his attention shift even a little when Hanako wandered in the room and shuffled to her seat.
I finished my work quickly enough and opened a new book I checked out from the library. While I was reading I felt something bounce off the back of my head. I turned around but didn't see who through it, I looked down at the floor and saw what hit me was a neatly folded note. As I picked up the not and began to open it I felt another bounce on the back of my head. Looking around I didn't see the perpetrator again, then looked down and found another note. I picked it up and placed it to the side. Turning back to the first note I began reading.

???'s note: Hisao, Lilly says thank you for helping her back in her classroom....

Another piece of paper bounced off my head. I'm sure its from Hanako who else could it be? But what could she be wanting to talk about so badly.

Misha: Hicchan! Are you passing notes!

I turned towards Misha to see if I was being lectured by Misha or Shizune.
Shizune had gotten Misha's attention and was signing at me.

Hisao: No more like being pummeled by them.

Misha: Well aren't you popular Hicchan! WAHAHAHA

Misha's insanely loud laughter even manages to get Mr. Mutou's attention.
I turn back to the note.

Hanako's note: Hisao, Lilly says thank you for helping her back in her classroom. You are always so good to us so don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. -Hanako

Hanako's 2nd Note: Oh I mean I really appreciate you treating us kindly and I'm glad we are friends. -Hanako

The last part had a lot of eraser marks like she didn't quite know what what she was trying to tell me. I tried to make out what was written underneath but its all but gone.
I turned around to Hanako she had buried her head in her book like an ostrich sticking its head in the sand.
I begin on the last note.

Hanako's 3rd note: Sorry for hitting you those last two times! -Hanako

I got hit by three pieces of paper, the last one was an apology for the first two.
I put the notes away and continued reading until the school day ended. I waited at my seat until everyone left and then walked over to Hanako who was still in her desk.

Hisao: Nice shot.

Hanako: "S-S-Sorry" she said blushing, turning her head away.

Hisao: Whatever its alright don't be so embarrassed.

Hanako: S-Sorry.

Hisao: You don't need to apologize.

Hanako: I'm sorry.

Facepalm.

Hanako: SORRY!

Hisao: Never mind. Want to play some chess in the tea room, or are you waiting for Lilly.

Hanako: No Lilly said she was staying late in her class.

Hisao: Alright then so you want to play.

Hanako: S-sure.

We walked to the tea room (skipping all along the way of course) and took out the chess set from the cupboard. I commanded the white pieces and Hanako commanded the black. I one the first two games and the third she beat me. I beat her the next time but she seemed to be getting better each time we play. An hour later we called it a draw at five matches won; five matched lost.

Hisao: That was fun Hanako, next time we play it'll be a tie breaker.

Hanako gave me a precious smile.

Hanako: Alright!

I said goodbye to Hanako and started walking back to my dorm. Half way down the trail I noticed a strange character hidings behind the bushes.... Kenji... a little way down the road heading in his direction was Lilly. An ambush? I sneak behind him and yell loud enough to blow his cover to Lilly who was just around the bend plus scare the crap out of Kenji for kicks.

Hisao: HEY KENJI WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEHIND THE BUSH!!!

Kenji: HOLY CRAP FEMINISTS!!!

I notice Lilly has heard us now and was looking annoyed. Lilly is really sharp, she knew what was going on.

Kenji: Damn it Hisao! You Traitor! You ruined my ambush!

Hisao: Calm down Kenji, I don't even know what your talking about.

I lied

Hisao: What were you going to do?

Kenji: Damn, I was going to ambush that witch.

Hisao: You mean Lilly she already passed by.

Messing with Kenji is fun,

Kenji: What! No way!

Hisao: Ya, how did you expect to ambush her when you cant see two feet in front of you.

Kenji: I was listening for the cane.

Hisao: Well you FAILED!

With that Kenji walks off toward the dorms, depressed.

I turn to Lilly and walk over to here.

Hisao: What an ass. He's easy to play though.

Lilly: Thank you Hisao, I cant imagine what he was planning to do, but I'm glad I didn't find out.

Hisao: You must know Kenji more than I do, what is wrong with that guy?

Lilly: I don't know, I assume he just hates women.

Hisao: That's sad. So Lilly you going back to the dorms?

Lilly: Yes I am.

Hisao: How about I tag along and make sure there aren't anymore traps set up.

Lilly: Oh thank you Hisao, you are such a gentleman.

Hisao: No not really.

We reach the dorm building without incident and we part at the door. but just as I'm about to leave Lilly turns around suddenly and grabs hold of my arm.

Lilly: Hisao!

Caught off guard

Hisao: What is it Lilly!

Lilly: I really want to talk to you about Hanako.

Hisao: Hanako? What about Hanako?

Lilly: Your her only friend at school other than me and I believe she thinks more of you than just friends.

Hisao: You... you don't mean y-you think she...

Lilly: I do! And I think you may feel the same way.

If she could see my face right in front of her she could see that I was bright red from embarrassment. Even in the darkness I noticed how red her face was too.

Hisao: I like Hanako... I-I don't know Lilly. I've never thought of her like that.

Lilly: I think you do, other people just ignore her, but you got to know her even though see is so hard to approach.

Hisao: Um... Um...

Lilly lets go of my arm.

Lilly: I'm so sorry Hisao, I didn't want to put you on the spot like that... I just want you two to be happy.

Hisao: Can i have some time to think about all this. I'm afraid if I answer no it wouldn't be sincere.

Lilly: I understand Hisao please take your time.

I walked off to the boys dorms. Understandable dumbfounded. It may have only been Lillie's speculation, but it still was so sudden. Did Hanako like me like that.
I rested on my bed and tried to get to sleep, hoping in the morning, I would have calmed down enough to really think this over.
The next day rose over the hills that surrounded the school and I was no better off than I was last night. I go to class that morning and see Hanako already sitting at her desk. She smiles at me as I walk in, it makes me nervous. I feel like an idiot, that Lillies speculations have acting all nervous. If I just acted like I normally do around her everything will work itself out one way or another. It was a lot better letting the whole thing go, the thought still lingered in my head though making me feel awkward.

Hisao: G-Good Morning Hanako, sleep well?

Hanako: Yes... and how about yourself?

Hisao: Not a wink.

I played it off as a joke, but it really wasn't.
The class bell rang and I took my seat. Class was maddening as usual, between Mr. Mutou's mumbling and Misha's laughter I could really use a cup of tea. The lesson was mainly like the last, equations of finding the mass of so and so materials.
The lunch bell rang and despite my urge to jump out of my seat and book it out of class again I resisted. I walked over to Hanako how was packing her bag.

Hisao: Ready to go?

Hanako smiled but avoided looking right at me. I guess Hanako is still afraid of people judging her by her scars, even me. I was nervous talking to Hanako at first, I wasn't nervous about her feeling for me but perhaps my feelings for her. I was pretty sure Lilly was wrong about Hanako, I mean if she liked me would she be hiding behind her bag.

Hanako: Y-Yes... I'm ready, but Lilly said she would m-meet us here.

Hisao: Really, couldn't she just wait for us in the tea room, its not like we're going to get lost. (I'm worried because it's not impossible for her to get lost... or worse, Kenji)

Hanako: Well she... well she insisted that she meet us here.

Hisao: Oh... Okay.

Now I'm nervous (again) what could Lilly want to badly. Now that I think about it I'm more nervous now than when I was talking to Hanako. Only Lilly and I knew what we talked about last night. That's why its so easy to talk to Hanako, but Lilly...
I hear the familiar taping of Lillie's cane against the walls. Hanako stood up and ran to the door to wait for her, I walked over and stood next to her.

Hisao: "I wonder if I keep silent can I pretend I'm not here..." I mumbled to myself

Hanako: W-What was th-that Hisao?

Hisao: Oh N-Nothing!

Lilly rounded the corner and was now in front of are classroom. I stopped moving, hoping to make myself "invisible" to Lilly if I didn't make a sound.

Hanako: Lilly!

Lilly: Hello Hanako, how has your morning been?

Hanako: G-Good

There was a concerned look on Lillie's face.

Lilly: Is Hisao here with you?

Hanako: Y-Yes he's right here.

DAMN!

Lilly: Oh! I'm sorry Hisao, You were so quiet I didn't notice you. Is something wrong?

Hisao: I'm sorry Lilly. Nothings wrong, I was just lost in thought.

Hanako: So... L-Lets get going before lunch ends.

Hisao: Sounds like a plan.

Hanako blushed a little then turned away.
We left the classroom and walked down the hallway to the tea room. We had all brought something for everyone today. It seemed Lilly and Hanako traded, Hanako brought a bag full of pastries and Lilly brought the tea. I brought with me, several small containers of fruit I bought last time I went into town with Lilly.

Hisao: Mmmmm. Lunch is really good today!

Lilly: Yes it is very taste. Where did you get these pastries Hanako?

Hanako: I-I made them myself.

Hisao: Oh wow there really good!

I notice Lilly giggling softly at something.

Hisao: What so funny Lilly?

Lilly: Its nothing really...

Hanako: Come on... Tell us

Lilly: Oh I was just thinking about last night.

With that I felt the blood rush to my face and my body stiffen like a board!

Lilly: You see Hisao saved me from that Kenji boy last night.

I felt the pressure slowly ease off.

Hanako: REALLY!

Hanako turned to me, her eyes widened with amazement.

Hisao: Lilly don't make it sound so dramatic all I did was sneak up behind and scare Kenji.

Lilly: Don't be modest Hisao

Hisao: But in all serious even if I hadn't come along he would have never even noticed you.

I did my best to try and keep the topic on scaring Kenji behind the bush without inflating my own ego. I didn't want the topic to change to later that night.

Hanako: Hehehe your like a hero Hisao.

Lilly: "Your blushing Hisao" she laughed.

Hisao: N-No I'm not!... How would y-you know!

I was blushing, but how did she know?

Lilly: Its alright Hisao, no need to be shy.

Hanako: Lilly I t-think you've picked on Hisao enough.

Hanako coming to my aid felt like a mixed blessing, I was relieved to get a little help, but I couldn't help feel ashamed by needing Hanako's help. Hanako just smiled at me though, she seems happy just to help me out of a tough spot.
The rest of the lunch period passed by without any more teasing from Lilly. We talked about the same usually stuff and finished eating are lunches. When lunch was over I said my goodbyes to Lilly and Hanako, who was escorting Lilly back to class again. I made it back to class just before the final bell and started on my school work, I need a little help on it so I asked help from Shizune and Misha. In retrospect the nagging from Shizune might have been worse than the problems. Every now and then I looked up from my work checking to see if Hanako had come back yet. I didn't see her sitting shyly at her desk or anywhere else around the classroom.
Class ended for the day, but Hanako never came to class. I was worried about where her. I decided to go and look for her, but before I even got out the door, I ran into Lilly Waiting outside the classroom.

Hisao: Lilly have you seen Hanako?

Irony aside, Lilly knew I was serious and ignored the blatant flaw in the logic of my statement.

Lilly: You mean she isn't here? Oh my...

Hisao: What! You know were she is? I'm worried.

Lilly: This is my fault.

Lilly was blushing now. she seem hesitant to confess what she knew, which made me even more nervous.

Hisao: Did you get into a fight with Hanako?

Lilly: No... Well, maybe... I asked her if she would accept if you asked her out.

Lilly explained that after I left the two of them Lilly started interrogating her about her feelings for me. Hanako became flustered and nervous, becoming more and more reclusive as Lilly asked more questions. Before Lilly and Hanako made it to Lillie's class she ran off.

Hisao: Lilly... You make a horrible matchmaker.

Lilly: Looking disappointingly at the floor, "I know"

Hisao: Perhaps its best if I look for her alone.

Lilly: Why? I think it would be better If I came along too.

Hisao: No. If we both go it'll only terrify her more.

Lilly: ...Okay, but make sure tell her I'm sorry.

Hisao: Alright.

Well I'm glad we got THAT out of the way, now I still don't know where she is and the pressures on for me to fix the problem caused by the nosy matchmaker.
I checked a couple spots where I thought she could be, looking in the tea room, the library, the dorm areas, looking around the club rooms. I couldn't find her anywhere. I felt my condition beginning to take it's toll on me. Looking around a large campus is exhausting. I was beginning to wonder if she was in town, if she was it would be an long hike down the hill and still no guarantee of finding her. By now it was dark and most students have gone back to their dorm rooms for the night. But according to Lilly, Hanako still hasn't come back to her room yet. I continued to look around but it didn't get me anywhere.
I sat down on a bench to catch my breath before me heart gave out. Everything was quiet now, no noise from any of the students, no lights from the school. A sound carried in the wind. It was faint but it stood out in the absolute silence of the night. Looking around I didn't see anything around me, so I took the noise to be the wind blowing through the trees. I had finished catching my breath and picked myself up to begin looking again. The silence of the night was broken again by a familiar noise. The faint noise carried by the lofty breeze, it wasnt the trees. On a hunch I decided to follow the sounds direction. I listened for the sound and followed it into the grove not far from the bench I had rested.
As I walked through the grove my feet crushed twigs and leaves lieing on the ground, the cracking of would and the crumbling of fallen leaves breaks the silences of the mute night. As my foot lands on another peice of wood that had fallen from the tree above me I heard a loud gasp as it snapped loudly. My eyes darted to the branches above me, a silhouette of a girl curled up between the branches.

Hisao: Hanako? Hanako! Is that you!?

The silhouette without moving seemed to withdraw further into itself, as if trying to disappear into the darkness

Hisao: Hanako, I know your up there. Come down from there please!

Hanako: G-Go away!

Hisao: You can't stay up their all night Hanako, and I'm not leaving until you come down!

Hanako: Please... l-leave me... alone.

Hisao: No, everyone is worried about you Hanako!

Eventually Hanako agreed to come down. She wouldn't look at me at all, even as I helped her down from the branch she had hid herself on.

Hisao: Have you been up there this whole time.

Hanako: No... I was only up there f-for a little while.

Hisao: Why would you hid from us! There had to be....

Hanako: "Please stop! I-I cant!" she interupted

Hisao: Hanako! If you Keep running no matter how far you run you wont get anywhere!

Hanako looked at me for the first time since I last saw her at lunch. Her face was red and tears streeked down her cheeks. I couldn't control myself, I grabbed hold of her by her arms and pulled her close to me. She looked into my eyes as the tears continued to stream down her face. She buried her face into my chest, I felt her tears soak into my shirt and her forehead against my chest.

Hisao: Its okay Hanako, you dont need to run because I'm here for you.

Hanako: Looking up from my chest "R-Really..."

Hisao: Yes... Hanako, I love you.

Hanako pressed herself hard against my chest. I could feel her tears beginning to swell and her body trembling in my arms.
With her face pressed against my chest Hanako muttered

Hanako:... But... I'm so.... I'm so...

Hisao: That doesnt matter to me Hanako! I've always thought you were beautiful.

Hanako looked up at me, brushing her hair away from her face. It was the first time that I had ever seen Hanako's face without her hair hiding the other half.

Hanako: Hisao...

Hanako closed her eyes and leaned in closer to my face. Her lips were so close, I could feel her breath on mine, it was that moment we shared are first kiss. Her lips were soft and warm, her warmth flowed through her lips and into me, even as the night grew colder the two of us could only feel eachothers warmth.
As we parted are lips hanako too embarrassed to speak tried to say something but kept tripping over her of words.

Hanako: Um... U-Um.... Uhhhh....

Smiling at the cute face she was making I grabbed hold of her hand.

Hisao: Common Hanako Lets so back before we catch a cold.

Hanako: Y-Yes!

*claps* bravo, another well done ficlet!

just have one question though, are you going to continue Rin's Abstract Trip?

Shades of gray wrote:*claps* bravo, another well done ficlet!

just have one question though, are you going to continue Rin's Abstract Trip?

I dont know? Maybe, if i get some ideas to work with I might just do that, but for now Im drawing a blank...
(sorry)

I'm glad this is getting so many views, but if I might be so bold, could I request that more people keave a short reply to tell me what they think.

I really appreciate feedback, my philosophy positive feedback helps self-esteem as an writer; and negative feedback helps me improve when I write.

Well, I for one liked it, except for the script format which I didn't. Like that is
But that's just my personal preference...
Another minor gripe is that Hanako probably wouldn't throw stuff during class and risk being made the centre of attention by Mutou.

Break away from the script format. It's crippling, and one of the marks of poor purely-textual writing.

...I think the irony in the previous paragraph is clear to everybody here. Anyway.

Once you do it, you'll find that the disappearance of convenient character identifiers provides you with a fresh set of challenges. You'll have to deal with them as best you can, together with the grammar/spelling problems which you already realized plague your work. Throw away any crutches you may be using to help with that, and practice.

Good luck.