To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape (PART 3 UP!)

[Rednal]

To the Castle, with Swords and Duct Tape: Part Three of an increasingly inaccurately-named one-shot


"You see, Angels, I've received word that the King has been plotting something dark and sinister in conjuction with the Dark Lord Kenji."

"Didn't we already defeat him?" Rin asked.

"One would hope. However, he's gotten something on the cutting edge of technology." 'Charlie' answered sharply. "It's called a Gundam."

"What are you talking about? This is a vaguely Middle Ages story; we don't have robots, much less giant ones." Lilly grumbled.

"Yeah... well, the Dark Lord has a bigger budget than we do; he gets to do things like that. Blame the producers; chicks dig giant robots. However, his machine is not yet completed. What he requires is this thing called the Matrix of Leadership in order to power it. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to kill the person who currently holds the Matrix of Leadership."

"Where can we find him?"

"Up in the castle. The ruler of our nation, His Highness Bill the Fourth."

"So... our mission is to kill Bill. Right." Lilly said, smiling. That didn't sound so hard. All she would have to do was point Hisao in his general direction and suggest that the King had decided to ban alcoholic beverages. "Hisao, dear?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a d-"

The girl slapped him.

"Grunt."

"That's better. the girl said, smiling. "You're a Barbarian, after all. Complex sentences aren't your thing. Right?"

"Unf."

"Now just a moment." 'Charlie' said. "Bill is not unprotected. He has, you see, a kindly Dark Elf that dual-wields claymores protecting him."

"But that's ridi-" Emi began.

"Bigger. Budget."

"Yessir. Sorry."

"On the other hand, elves are puny, so one good hit from Hisao's warhammer should flatten him. If it makes you feel any better, the Dark Lord does own a controlling share of stock in the Spike-filled Pit Factory, so you can expect to find some of those." there were nods from the group. "You know your mission. Get to it."

The connection went dead.

"Well, then." Hisao began. "By the power of Grayskull, I-" Misha punched him in the stomach, and he fell to the floor, grunting.

"That series sucked." Shizune interpreted during Misha's stony silence. "We're going to go make a backup plan. The rest of you go commit regicide." she and Misha scampered off as the remaining members waited for Hisao to catch his breath again. Smiling, Lilly leaned into him and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"Now remember to be stupid, you big brute." she whispered lovingly. "Or Oyashiro-sama will get mad." the barbarian swallowed nervously, smiled as Lilly kissed him, then took a long drink from a bottle of something labeled 340 proof, ignoring the fact that at 200 something was totally alcohol. Grabbing his warhammer, and satisfactorily drunk, he walked out through one of the house's walls and set off for the castle.


Bill's Castle

"Let me go!" Princess Hanako cried, twisting in the chains that held her arms almost vertical above her. She had been dressed in a long white gown, her wedding dress, as Bill stood nearby. The King was finishing the touches on his suit. "You can't do this to me!"

"I can do whatever I want. I'm the King." he answered. "And you, my dear, are about to become mine." he leaned in towards her and rested a hand against the smooth skin of her cheek. "I've been waiting so long for this." his grin twisted into a grimace of pain as Hanako's knee came up and struck him between the legs. "You little-"

"YOU SHUT UP!" the girl snarled. "I am not going to take this!" With a grunt that would have made Hisao proud, the girl ripped the chains out of the wall, whirled them around, and slammed the brick on the end into her step-father. He let out a scream.

"Dribble! Help me!" he shouted. A Dark Elf strode out of the shadows, holding an enormous claymore in each hand. Hanako stared.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen." she noted insightfully. "Ah, well... Hanako... SMASH!" she leaped forward and punched the elf in the face before he could get his weapons up, then ripped the chains off of her wrists and slammed a foot onto her stepfather's face.

"Ooh, I can see your p-" he began, before the girl began stomping on his face to shut him up.

"I decided that I would go into my hormonal teenage mode! Now, I'm going to run away and join Hisao's harem, where I'll actually be respected." the girl said. The wall was blown open a moment later, and the barbarian himself strode in.

"Heeeeeere we come to save the daaaaaaaa-urgh!" Shizune went tumbling forward as Hisao whacked her.

"Thank you." Lilly said, holding onto his arm. "Well, then, Princess. We'd be happy to allow you to join our team. As long as you let us kill His Highness." the King's eyes bulged as Hisao walked over, cracking his oversized knuckles.

"W-wait! I'll tell you everything I know! The treasury will be yours, I'll-" he began pleading. A colored tile pattern obscured the air around him as Hisao got to work. The screams didn't last very long.

"My hero." Hanako said, kissing Hisao on the cheek. "Come on, let's go."

"Got it." Lilly said, picking up the Matrix of Leadership.

None of them noticed the disappearance of the Dark Elf, who had realized his level was far too low for this area. And those two claymores were seriously killing his Evasion stat...



The Man Cave

"So that's what it's like." Hanako said, curled up against Hisao's side like a kitten. She purred as he pet her. She was still wearing her white gown.

"Quite fun, isn't it?" an amused Lilly answered. Hanako just smiled and nodded as she wrapped her arms around the barbarian's chest and hugged him.

"He's just like a big, soft teddy bear." she murmured. Hisao didn't look as though he was entirely certain of what to make of that. A woman in a red hat and red cloak darted past the window, followed by a man in a striped shirt. Oh... so Carmen Sandiego hides with Waldo...



At the Dark Lord's Castle

A girl stood in front of the gates, then slowly raised her head and looked at the army before her. The girl sighed. "I wish I didn't have to do this." she murmured. There was a pulse of magic. "I am the bone of my staff."

"You will never defeat me, Ridiculously Overpowered Magical Laser Girl!" the Dark Lord howled. "My Guardian, destroy her!"

A shape leaped off of the battlements of the castle and landed lightly on the round below, then held its hands back. A sphere of red energy formed between its hands.

"Darkness beyond twilight."

"Lyrical is my body. Magical is my blood."

"Crimson beyond blood that flows."

"I have asked over a thousand queries. Unaware of shame. Nor aware of fame."

"Buried in the flow of time, in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness."

"Yet, these ears hear no answers. And so I pray..."

"Let all the fools who stand in our way be destroyed by the power you and I possess..."

"Divine..."

"Dragon..."

"BUUUUUUUUUSTER!"

"SLAAAAAAAAAAVE!"

[SirMax]

chicks dig giant robots

YES. Megas XLR was an excellent show.

[kobe]

chicks dig giant robots

YES. Megas XLR was an excellent show.

I agree, but damn, I was sure I was the only one who got that reference, is Megas XLR that popular?!

Oh... so Carmen Sandiego hides with Waldo...

Pure. fucking. genius.

[Seroanth]

So many references.

I wonder if he was about to say penis or cat...
Either way, funny, nice job.

[SirMax]

chicks dig giant robots

YES. Megas XLR was an excellent show.

I agree, but damn, I was sure I was the only one who got that reference, is Megas XLR that popular?!

Not really. A lot of people did watch it, though. The fanbase wasn't big enough and apparently wasn't growing, so it got axed.

[Vertical]

AHAHHAHAHAHAHA, oh man. Waldo and Carmen. Too much.

Favorite line is Hanako... SMASH!!!

2nd is when Hisao tries to talk.

3rd has gotta be Lina Inverse vs. Nanoha. Which one would get their incantation out fastest in a real (read: fake) fight.

[callmeemo]

I wonder if he was about to say penis or cat...
Either way, funny, nice job.

I think it was panties, although I thought it was that guess as well at first...
Great as usual, keep 'em comin'.

[K_Amelia]

"Apparently, she stabbed a cow with a fence post, set it on fire, and pounded the fiend with it, while yelling 'Hanako smash'." Lilly said worriedly. "Do you think Hisao is having a bad influence on her?"

"Wood in Steak." Rin answered. "What do you think?"

Excellent! Please keep 'em coming