Katawa Shoujo Forums

often hard to gwt who is speaking.You need seperate paragraphs for each. As the other comment walls of text.
I really enjoyed the story. I saw minor chronoligical flaws but they did not greatly detract from the story.
I was not expecting to get a complete story in one sitting. Many of my favorites are continuing or simply stopped.
Congradulations!

Two weeks later, I stood on a platform at Tokyo Station, awaiting the arrival of the Super-Shinkansen from Toyama. When it finally entered the station, I drew up the collar of my coat to shield myself against the gale of snow thrown up by the force of the braking train.
As expected, the two women I came for were not among the first ones exiting the train; when they finally did descend, the taller one was leaning onto her friend for support. I straightened my posture and signaled to them, which earned me a relieved smile from the smaller woman once she recognized me.
After I had greeted both women, I took up their luggage and slowly led the way towards the main exit, with them trailing behind me.

Outside the station, we walked towards the nearby car park, where Miki was waiting with the rental car. She smiled as she saw me carrying all the bags, while the other two were gingerly making their way across the sleet-covered lot. “Aw, poor Kazuo. But it doesn't look like they could've managed both the bags and the icy ground.”
“Considering I'm practically walking on stilts here and Rin has no arms to improve her equilibrium, it's a small miracle neither of us has landed squarely on her butt yet. So, it's nice you two came to pick us up.” Emi said as she withdrew her right arm from Rin's waist and hugged Miki, while I stowed the luggage away and opened the rear door for Rin, who was now gazing dreamily at the falling snow.

Once everyone was inside the car, I started the engine and steered towards the main road. Next to me, Miki was fiddling with the car's computer, cursing slightly when the system failed to accept our destination. Emi started laughing, which earned her a nasty glare from Miki. “I know this isn't the newest model; if you wanted that, you should've ridden with Shizune and Misha. I'm sure she has a car with state-of-the-art technology – and a chauffeur as well.” I said.
“Nah, they're busy bringing Hanako and Lilly coming in from Sendai. I wonder if Shizune volunteered her services just to show off her car.”
“If she did, she probably forgot that Lilly can't see anything of it.” Rin chimed in from her position behind me. “And Hanako would even be impressed by this car, I believe.”
Miki chuckled now, her fingers still busy with the buttons in front of her. “Ah, got it! Turn right at the next exit, Kazuo.”

It was still snowing when I turned the car into a narrow passage between two apartment blocks, passing under a concrete arch and entering another sleet-covered parking lot. Unlike the one at Tokyo station, this one was almost empty, which made it easy to spot the large black car next to the cemetery entrance – and the people next to it.
Miki chortled on seeing Shizune, who was gesturing to a large man in a dark overcoat and a black cap. “See, I told you she's got a chauffeur!”
As I rolled into another parking slot, I also recognized Hanako helping Lilly exit from the other side of the car; when she looked up and saw us, the blemished face beneath the fur-lined hood lit up, as did Lilly's face after Hanako said something to her.

As soon we had also gotten out of our car, the seven Yamaku alumni – Misha had also appeared from the front seat of the big car – started greeting each other with hugs and well-meant barbs, while I stepped away from the group for a bit and scanned the surroundings.
After some moments, I glimpsed two more persons standing on the main cemetery path, some distance away from the gate. The smaller figure waved at me timidly and I recognized the slightly huddled figure of Mrs. Nakai, who started walking over to me. “Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Inari. Allow me to introduce my brother.”
The other man also came over and shook my hand. “Gotoku Abe. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Inari.” He smirked. “I see you've managed to bring all of my poor brother in-law's school friends here. May I ask how they reacted to our invitation?”
I smiled at the two siblings. “Let's go and ask them, shall we?”

We walked back to the parking lot, where we were greeted by seven beaming female faces. Seeing that the two were still hesitant, I took the initiative. “Everybody, this is Mrs. Nakai – Hisao's widow – and her brother Gotoku Abe, who invited us to the Nakai family grave today.”
I drew back while the others exchanged their greetings, observing Mrs. Nakai's face as she met her husband's friends for the first time. My curiosity soon turned into slight embarrassment when I noticed that she had prepared much better for their handicaps than me; she did not try to shake hands with Rin, to catch Lilly's look or to directly address Shizune – and she did not flinch back at the sight of Hanako's face.
When Mr. Abe had also met all the women, we all started once again down the cemetery path, this time with Mrs. Nakai at the helm, who gave me a grateful glance as she turned the first corner on our way.

Some minutes later, we arrived in front of a tall gravestone, which bore several older inscriptions and one new, freshly-carved entry.
I looked over the shoulder of Emi standing in front of me and read two names with separated birth dates and a common death entry; then I remembered reading that Hisao Nakai's parents had died in a North Korean attack on their cruise ship in 2026. Well, at least he did not predecease them – but he left behind a widow, who was now carefully placing a glinting item on the plate in front of the stone.
As she took away her hand, I heard one of the other women gasp, then I recognized the item as a golden medal showing the face of a bearded man – the Nobel Prize Medal.

Mrs. Nakai straightened up again and turned towards the group; she still looked slightly hesitant, but the act of laying the medal on the plate had obviously given her the strength needed for the next act. “Well... first I want to thank all of you for coming here today and for visiting my dear husband's grave with me. Since you knew him and knew about his love of science, you'll understand how important it was for me to bring him this medal.” She swallowed.
“However, after I read Mr. Inari's and Ms. Miura's article, and especially after I spoke with Mr. Inari, I realized that it was equally important to bring all of you – his dear and precious schoolmates – here to give you the chance to say a final farewell to him.” The others nodded.

“I did also ask you here because I wanted to ask for your forgiveness. I took Hisao – who, as I know now, was a great friend to all of you – away from you with my distrust and my petty prejudices against Yamaku Academy.” She held up her hand to anticipate the upcoming objections from the other women and bowed her head towards them deeply.
“Looking back now, I see that my antipathy against you and your school was a denial to face the reality of Hisao's condition and his lower life expectancy. In my pitiful weakness, I separated him from the people who had brightened his life when he was at a low point. I feel deeply ashamed and will probably do so for a long time, but it would mean much if you could accept my apology.”

Her announcement was followed by several seconds of silence. To my surprise, the first person to react was Hanako, who moved forward and held out her hand to the other woman. “That's okay, Mrs. Nakai. We all have lived with prejudices and reservations a our handicaps – some more obvious than others – and I believe we understand you.”
The others also gathered around the widow of their friend and voiced their acceptances. I looked over to Mr. Abe, who stood slightly apart from us, and saw him give me a look full of gratitude at the sight of his sister's successful atonement.
Turning back to the women, I caught the second part of Mrs. Nakai's announcement. “...my brother and I would like to invite you to dinner, and hear more of your memories of Hisao. But before we do that, I believe each of you should have some time to say farewell to Hisao in your own way, and I'll leave you to it.”

Mrs. Nakai approached me again, leaving the seven Yamaku alumni decide who should go first; I chuckled quietly as, after some seconds of negotiation, everybody except Shizune stepped back from the grave.
We walked some paces away from the group before Mrs. Nakai turned to watch them: Hanako was supporting Lilly while Emi and Rin were quietly talking with each other at the edge of the path. Misha and Miki stood together, watching Shizune's soundless parting from the man who had changed her life just like he had changed the life of all his other friends at school – and somehow even mine, now that I thought about it.

As I turned to Mrs. Nakai next to me, the small woman looked at me with an anxious face. “Do you think they really accepted my apology, Mr. Inari?”
“Yes, I believe they did – and they're grateful to you for the chance to say goodbye to their friend. Thank you for that, Mrs. Nakai.”
She smiled at me. “It's Iwanako.”

Pretty good read and definitely very unique. I must agree with Silentcook about the walls of text however, I recommend taking a look at Mirage's tips in the fanfic tips topic.

Edit: I'd also like to say this made me rather sad to read through and figure out what happened. Especially the death of Hisao at the beginning. But then finding out Iwanako separated him from his friends was really disheartening.

I've gone over the posts again and introduced more spaces between the paragraphs - hope it's better now.

It might be better than it was, but it's still not good.

Also, whenever a different person talks, you need a new paragraph. No exceptions.

You can have a character go on for fifteen lines of dialogue, but as soon as another one gets even a word, they get their own paragraph.

About the 'who speaks' comment: for me as the writer, it's of course always crystal clear who's saying what... I know that prose text form makes it harder to identify the speaker than the VN script form does (Hisao: "I'm here.") but I'm not a big fan of texts which have "X said" twice in every line and, since most of my scenes only have three or four people present, I decided to limit such explanations to the moments when I wish to convey the expression and the actions of the speaker in question.

Three of four people is still enough to get confused over who's saying what. Whether you a fan of it or not, "X said" is used for a reason. It may be clear to you, as you pointed out, but nobody else here is you.

Relevant post.

The story is still in a format I consider unreadable, so no feedback on the contents of the story from me yet.