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- A Different Kind of Tension
An unfamiliar character in the place of Hisao during Rin's "Proof of Existence" as something of an epilogue, written for SapphicYumi.
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The rain stopped hours ago. Rainbows weren’t happening, but they easily could’ve been. The ground was still just soggy enough to be noticeable as I slowly crawled down onto it. It might be wet, but the dandelions don’t care; they flutter about, passing Rin and I by while she stood there on that rock.
"What's the word for when it feels inside your heart that everything in the world is all right?" Rin shifted just a bit, her arms still spread wide.
I don’t answer—she doesn’t mind. Rin looks back at me, giving a wide smile. Opening her mouth, as if to say something, she hovers there. Lips parted just enough for her tongue to peek out at me. There’s a certain quiet. I hear my heartbeat, Rin’s breathing. Birds chirping and the wind running wild through the fields. Her mouth hangs ajar a bit longer, before she closes it and turns back to the cloudy sky.
"Mary?" Rin barely speaks. Her voice is just loud enough for me to hear it.
I try to match the whisper. "Yeah?"
Her voice jumps back to full volume. She hops off of the rock, turning to me again. "I just wanted to say it. It has a good ring to it. Mary. Mary, Mary, Mary. Mary."
I stifle a laugh, falling back into the soggy ground. Without warning, Rin sits on top of me. Just—right on my stomach. I sputter as she turns and raises an eyebrow. "Oh. Right."
She lifts off of me and over to the ground next to me. She falls back again, pressed on my chest, but she barely weighs anything as is. Her hair fallen back—mingling with the dandelions. Her eyebrow raises again, "Why are you smiling?"
Rin was smiling too. Just faintly, that sort of dopey smile she had when we first met. Mouth shut, eyes almost there, just the edges of her mouth peeking out from that usual blank expression.
“I dunno. Why are you?” I laugh a bit, adjusting my legs.
“Am I? I couldn’t tell. I suppose...yeah. That makes sense.”
“Rare.”
Rin is visibly confused. There’s a pause between the both of us, the wind and distant birds filling in the silence. “Oh. You didn’t mean like meat.”
I let out a quiet giggle, “Yeah, you’re—you’re not a steak, Rin.”
“…Though, you do eyeball me like one sometimes.” Rin says, letting out a low ‘hmmm.’ I bite my tongue, trying not to laugh at her again. She turns to me, eyebrow raised. “Don’t worry. I don’t mind.”
All of a sudden, Rin hops up. A cloud of dandelions lifts off as she does, catching on my shirt and brushing against my face. That fleet feeling of a sneeze comes, then goes as quickly as it came. She looks down at me and blinks a few times.
“I’d offer to help you up. But we both know how that would work out.” The tied ends of her shirt sleeves flail about, as if the wind itself wanted to prove to me her point. “Come on.”
I stand up, wiping the dandelion and grass and dirt off of my skirt. “Well, it’s the thought that counts.”
Rin walks on off, crawling back down the hill and onto the path.
The path is the same as always, but today it seems sunnier. Happier than it already was. I know it's just me putting my own thing on it, making myself believe it. But maybe the sun is shining a bit brighter for us. Rin and rain are all too common a pair. All those times we ran left and right and took whatever turns we felt like, all around the city, rain pouring down—it's only right that this, whatever this was, happens after rain.
She trails ahead, brushing against the bushes and the trees as she trots long. If I were closer I'd almost think she was humming: It'd match the demeanor. The back entrance comes into view. Rin waits for me to open, trotting on through as I do.
Our walk to the dorm is quiet. The sun had started to set, so the path back was empty save for the occasional person huddled up on a bench, a pack of friends, that sort of thing. Enough to be immemorable.
The dorm comes into view, Rin still taking the lead ahead of me. We step through the doors together. I spot a group of girls sitting in the common area, watching TV and chatting—one of them spots us walking in together and gives us a wave. Rin keeps walking, her head tilting to and fro as she does. Not drastically, mind you—it's a light bob. I doubt anyone else would notice. Her head goes where it wants, literally and metaphorically here.
Rin turns, ready to head down her hallway as I turn toward mine. As I turn to say goodnight, Rin stares at me.
"Oh."
Her voice echoes, just slightly. I lean on the wall, questioning "Oh?" as I do.
"I don't know." I blink a few times. Her jade green eyes level towards me, looking me up and down. "Isn't the usual thing to stay the night after romantic breakthroughs." She says this without any sort of question in her tone, a deadpan statement of what she believes to be beyond obvious. I'm probably blushing.
"I—uh-if you want me to..." I trail off, staring at the space between Rin and I.
"Do you want to?"
The building feels silent, no actual sound coming through my head. Just the sounds of our breathing and my heart beating. "I...yes?"
Rin doesn't question my confusion, turning back towards her room. "Okay." I reluctantly follow. She pushes the unlocked door with her foot, stepping inside and turning back to me.
"Let's go to sleep now." Rin shimmies out of her pants and flops into bed. I do the same, trying not to laugh out of embarrassment or pure confusion. I put a hand to my cheek. And...Yeah. I’m blushing.
I climb in the bed, wrapping my arms around Rin, my head buried in hers. My arm might be numb, but this is the most comfortable I've ever been.
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The door pops open. Light pours in, and I clearly hear Emi laughing.
It's... It's Friday morning.
School.
Class.
Being a functioning member of society.
"Oh, hi Mary!" Emi bobs up and down in the doorway. She says, in a forced whisper her and I both know isn't really a whisper. "I won't ask!"
Rin slowly leans up. She peers at Emi, then flops back down on the bed and curls into my chest.
I'm speechless, biting at the inside of my cheek.
"I'll let you handle today, okay Mary?" She winks, firing off a finger gun as she backs out of the room.
The door closes.
Rin leans back up again, peering at me. "Can you let go of me?" She wriggles a bit.
"Oh! Oh. Sorry." I let go of the vice gripe I had on Rin, letting her hop off of the bed. "Do you need some—"
"Yes, please. Thank you."
Rin points me all about the room, gathering towels, pants, shirts, ties, socks, shoes, books, anything she needs. I take her to the bathrooms and realize a key detail: Emi probably helps with this sort of stuff. Probably in a bath rather than the shower, though… The shower is a lot more, y’know. Intimate. Weird. Slippery. So on and so forth. Thankfully, it's still early in the morning, so nobody has come around just yet. I help her out of her clothes, my gaze lingering on her pale skin. I watch as she steps into the shower, trying not to so obviously stare at her, but failing.
I slam my eyes shut and push away, falling away into my headspace. I take my clothes off as well, climbing in with Rin. I put my hands on her shoulders and let the water fall on us both, trying not to choke.
"Are you going to—" She starts talking, before I sputter, laughing.
"Right! Sorry. Sorry. This is all just so—"
"—Weird. Mhm." Rin's deadpan demeanor breaks, for just a moment. She sounds almost like she let out a giggle.
I grab a washcloth, wringing it in water and dousing it in soap. I run it all along Rin, cleaning her to the best of my ability. I wring the washcloth out again, rinsing off under what little arm she has.
Rin turns around all of a sudden, staring at me. "Thanks. Here." She opens her mouth.
"I uh. What?"
She tries to keep her mouth open all the way, speaking in a slur. "Gibf me the dowuhel."
I hesitantly hold up the washcloth and she snatches it in her mouth. She then proceeds to gently press her now-towel-filled-face into my shoulder, lowering her entire body so she can awkwardly manage to clean it in this...excessively unconventional way. The whole time, I'm twitching from both the urge to laugh uncontrollably and the occasional hot breath coming from Rin's nose. She glances up at me, then waddles over to the other side of my body, dragging the towel up and around my leg until her hair is tickling at my thighs.
I trip backward, bumping into the wall of the shower. I catch my hold on the edge just barely, pulling myself up. Rin is still squatted in front of me, blinking slowly.
The washcloth falls out of her mouth as she lets out a quiet “Oops.”
I let out a quiet, awkward laugh as I stand back up properly. Taking the washcloth from the floor of the shower, I smile at Rin, "It's fine."
She nods, slowly stepping out of the shower with a deadpan frown of sorts. I quickly finish my shower, not bothering with my hair. I hop out, spotting Rin: She's still dripping and naked. Staring at her toes, her head bobs around to and fro.
"Rin," I say, grabbing our towel off the ground, "Come here, I'll dry you off."
She glances up, hair splattered against her eyes. "Oh, right." She gently slides off the counter, stepping over to me. Rin presses her head into the crook of my neck, staring at the ceiling. Smiling, I dry off her chest, her stomach, taking in a sharp breath as I ran the towel down her legs, her feet, her arms. It's all so unnecessarily sensual. My head is wrapping in on itself as I dry off Rin's hair, running my hands around the unwieldy mess of auburn hair. She's dry enough, so I help her get dressed.
My brain keeps wrapping in, further and further, shutting down. My brain tosses and turns and—
"I'm bored. Are you bored?" We're both dressed and Rin is staring at me expectantly.
Blinking a few times, I nod and smile. I'm trying to clear the fog, trying to reassert dominance over my own thoughts.
I blink again and we're slowly walking back towards Rin's dorm. For some reason, I find Rin's sleeve in the palm of my hand as she bobs back and forth.
Rin says, quietly and almost as if talking to the walls rather than me, "Do you ever think about alligators?"
"...No?" I take my hand off of Rin's sleeve, letting it flop back to her side. I lean on the side of the wall, letting the front of my hand rub against the rough and old, painted wall. "Why? Are you thinking about them?"
"I think about an alligator circus down in Louisiana sometimes." She nods a few times. "I saw an image once."
There's a long pause as she stands in the hallway. "Of the alligator circus, I mean."
"Yeah? I mean." I pause as well, standing with her in this empty stretch of hallway. I run my hand along the walls again, looking up at the ceiling. Shutting my eyes, I try to imagine an alligator circus. It uh—it doesn't come to mind. The most I can get out of my head is a singular image of an alligator with a horn shoved between its jaws. But I can't imagine a circus. I mean. I guess I could.
Rin's head bops into my arm. "See what I mean? Alligator circus, down in Louisiana. It feels right."
I don't see what you mean, at all, and it probably shows on my face. I look back down. Trying to force a smile, I weakly nod.
Rin nods as well. Her eyes shut for a moment and she turns back around. "I don't really think understanding it's important. An inkling. All you need is an inkling for it to be important. Just a primal alligator circus. All going against their life will of being predators. And just playing what I assume is jazz."
"Art against all nature."
"Yes. That." Rin nods again. "I think today is a painting day. The alligators would want that."
"Do you want help?"
"Maybe. I think."
"I'll help, then."
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"Blue, but like the kind of blue you'd see in a pile of gum stuck to the underside of a table."
I grab a tube of dark blue paint, a faint grey, and my brush. Swirling around the color and turning it to Rin just slightly, a murky light blue comes to existence. It looks interesting enough, and Rin doesn't question it. She lifts her foot in the air, taking a light dip into the mixture. She leans back and stares at the painting in front of her. The paintbrush hovers there between her toes, twitching just slightly.
She lurches forward. There's a faint 'fwish' as she lifts the brush up, pressing it back down just as quickly.
The room's quiet besides this. I can hear the AC running in the background, pumping out cool air. The dorms are empty, seeing as it's a Friday morning. The wind rushes by outside, and I almost wish the window was open. But I don't want to move, for fear of disturbing Rin's process. I watch, but don't say anything—"Seven years of bad luck," and all that. Rather not test it. A sort of swamp takes form, black trees on a bed of gummy blues and dull greens. Faces peer out of the swamp, but not anything distinctly human takes form.
"Gold. Like the sun but without the burning feeling."
I swish together a muted orange, matching that same faint gray as before with a bright drop of yellow. Rin glances over, squinting. "Hm. Yep." She nods a few times, taking the brush up in her toes and going back to swishing the brush around seemingly at random—though I know it's not.
This continues for what I think is a few hours—I hear chatter in the distance so I can assume it's lunchtime. Both my legs are numb, so I don't bother standing up to check the clock. Rin glances to me, then to the painting, then to the ground. She flops back, laying flat on the floor and staring at the ceiling.
The oil paint and the soft carpet and Rin suck up into my head. I flop back onto my stomach. Draping my arm over Rin, she lets out a quiet, content, sigh. We lie there, the air conditioning, the sounds of our breath, and the occasional patter of footsteps being the only intrusions in this solitary peace. The door creaks open, followed by a short laugh. Emi steps through, looking down at the both of us.
"I had a feeling this is where you two were. At least you're dressed now!" Emi laughs, winking at me. "I told our teachers you were sick today, both of you. Figured when I didn't catch Rin at her usual spots."
"Oh, thanks," I say into the carpet. I flip around on to my back, scooting away from Rin. I lean on the side of the bed and rub at my eyes. The fabric of my stockings, which I'd forgot I was even wearing, quietly swishes a bit as I cross my legs. My head's going all sorts of weird, not used to the implications of being near Rin like this. Something like butterflies in my stomach. But instead—like, mosquitoes in my skull. Angry, swarming mosquitoes all in my head.
Locking my hands together in my lap, I glance at Rin. She blinks a few times at me, turning to face me. I point at Emi and recognition flashes across Rin's face as she sits up.
"Hi." Rin’s shirt is a wrinkled mess and there are splatters of paint crawling up her pants.
"Do you two want food? Knowing Rin, and knowing you, Mary, you probably haven't eaten." Emi's hands come out from behind her back, a plastic bag crinkling with the motion. She sits on the floor, putting the bag in her lap as she does. "I got some drinks and food. Since you two didn't come to lunch today, I have these for you too!"
Emi plops down two boxes in front of us, the same as she always makes. Honestly, I shouldn't be so used to these, but she loves making them and they always taste good—so I just don't look the gift horse in the mouth. I eat them every single time. And today? Today is no exception.
I grab the box and start eating it. Pork cutlets and rice. Before I know it, I'm done. Like a blur, the box was empty.
A mixture of Emi's good cooking and my, well. Malnutrition. I don't think I ate dinner last night (and if I did, it wasn't much), so this was well needed.
Emi giggles as she opens a can of strawberry soda, handing me one as well. Rin is still picking away at the box, at this point staring at the rice as she swirls it around with a fork.
I push the mosquitos back and out of my head. I want to enjoy today, tonight, whatever time it is I don't care. I take a deep breath and exhale loudly. Emi cocks an eyebrow, laughing quietly. She doesn't ask, though, instead opting for a long sip of her drink. Rin puts her fork down, turning and staring at me suddenly.
The mosquitos in my head return, but I hold my ground, drowning out the buzzing with a low 'mmmm' sound that I hope nobody can hear. Rin's stare softens as she chews, "Sorry. That was too much rice for one mouth." She pauses. "We should go for a walk." This is, to anyone who doesn't know Rin, addressed to the room. But to those who know Rin, at least kind of know her. This is to me. "But without the rain. Every other time we go on walks there's rain and umbrellas and it's soggy. I don't mind being soggy, but I want to go for a walk and not get soggy this time."
Emi quietly takes another long sip of her strawberry soda, opting to obviously stare at me for my response. A smile creeps across her face as I nod and shrug.
"Okay." Rin glances to Emi and gives a warm nod, smiling all the while at her. "Sorry for not going to lunch. The alligator circus was telling me to paint. So I needed to paint. Mary helped. Not just with the painting, but that too."
I stifle a laugh. Rin's roundabout phrasing should probably be annoying, and it used to be. But it's grown on me, and hearing her talk about me in a way that actually sounds, to a certain extent, complimentary, is great. Sometimes, being with Rin, if you can call it that, it feels suffocating. It feels as if she's this great rock in the middle of an ocean, and I'm out here with a raft and no paddle, using my arms to try and reach her. But sometimes it feels like Rin herself just—brings forth a wave to push me along without even trying. And those waves are refreshing. Like cool rain in the midst of this ocean of confusion.
Rin pokes at me with her foot. "Let's get going." She stands up with a tiny grunt.
Emi laughs, grabbing the trash and her lunch boxes off of the floor. "I'll talk to you two later, alright? Don't get lost. And if it rains, go inside or something. Don't need you two getting sick on me now!" She gives us both a warm smile before stepping out of the room and letting the door slowly close.
Rin pushes her feet into her shoes, glancing over to me as I hold open the door for her. She bites at her cheek a bit, glancing over to me. "We should try staying quiet. Just existing."
I pause, hand on the door. The mosquitoes buzz menacingly, reminding me that they're here and they're ready to drown out my head. I nod and put an arm around Rin's waist. No words. Okay. I can do this.
We step out of the dorms, Rin just barely keeping pace with me. Our steps have an off-kilter bounce to them, but I'm determined to keep her as close as possible. Her auburn hair brushes against my neck occasionally, sending shivers down my spine.
The mosquitos slowly retreat, and almost, almost leave my head. I let out a low 'mmm' as we step through the gate off of the school's grounds. I stop, letting go of Rin. The mosquitos come back out, buzzing at full force. I shake my head around and shut my eyes.
Rin turns around, and peers at me, the jade green of her eyes piercing the buzzing of the mosquitoes. She doesn't say anything. She cocks her head to the side a bit instead, like a dog almost. A fluffy, auburn dog with a stare that melts me. I grab Rin into a hug and just hold her.
"Thank you," I say.
"For what?"
"Thank you for being you. Uncompromisingly you."
"Oh. I thought everyone should be like themselves. You're like you and it seems to work out. I didn't realize I could not be me." She mutters this into the crook of my neck, her head pressed against my shoulder.
"Like that. I don't understand you, but you're you and that's all that matters. You and your alligator circuses and your confusion and your painting. I love you for, well, you. I love you." I smile, shutting my eyes hard.
I hold Rin, standing in front of the gates of Yamaku. The sun still high in the sky, proud to be there. No clouds in sight. We stand there, the occasional group of students pattering on by and chatting. Some might even be questioning why we're just standing here. But we stand, my arms around Rin and her head pressed into me. No words, no actions. Just standing strong against it all.
