Katawa Shoujo Forums

I appreciate your enthusiasms but your story needs lots of work. I don't want to discourage you. I'm just trying to point out your mistakes so you know where they are and what to do about fixing them.

First off, never start with a character bio. Whatever we need to know about the character, we'll find out in the story as we go along.

Next, your dialogue doesn't need to be bolded. Save the bold for the very rare instances where you need to emphasis something.

Now for your character, making a non-Japanese OC is a big warning sign that the story probably isn't going to be that good. Putting them in the same class as Hisao and having him start school LATE on the same day well into the year that Hisao does shows a lack of imagination.

Other things...

Mutou isn't oblivious enough to put a new student right next to Hanako.

Cocksure is one word.

When you start a line of dialogue with things like Yeah, whoa, hey, they need commas after them.

Quotes don't usually end in periods if the sentence is continuing after the line of dialogue is over.

This is right.
“Hello,” said Hisao.

This is also okay.

“Hello.”

This is not.
“Hello.” said Hisao.

Hanako is opening up to the new guy really really fast. You might want to slow that down a little bit.

Problem: Some basic medical research should be done to make sure you understand the logistics of different disabilities. I find it hard to believe that somebody wouldn't have a glass eye in 2007, because an open eye socket is prone to infection and any creams or ointments that could prevent it would cost too much to use instead of a glass filler.

it all depends. I actually spent a lot of time on a forum for people that were missing an eye before I started writing my own one eyed girl Hitomi. Granted, I purposely ignored some of the things I learned to make my story flow better, but some people just don't want the fake eye.

Good luck on future stories.