Katawa Shoujo Forums

HipsterJoe wrote:Your writing comes off as very mechanical because you haven't added much beyond the bare details of "A said this, B said that." This leaves your reader without much to go on when picturing the scene themselves.

Very much this!
I'd like to point you to another post in the tips thread (which you might want to read in its entirety).
Ignoring spelling and grammar for now, there are a few things that seem to be strange about the timeline:
This has to happen one or two years before the events in the VN, since during the year Hisao gets there, there is no deaf-mute in class 3-3 besides Shizune, and she is definitely not the sister of someone named Miyamoto. At the same time someone named Molly is attending that school and since this is not a common name in Japan, it is probably that she is the same person.
However in this case, if the girl in his class is really a Rika cameo, she would not be in class 2-4 but in class 1-something (Saki's year is not stated anywhere).

About his luggage, you never mentioned it before, nor did you give a reason why he left it at the gate in the first place.

And finally:

Finding a big list of surnames took my like 15 seconds

Please take another fifteen seconds to find a list of Japanese given names and do something about "Azazel"

Mirage_GSM wrote:Please take another fifteen seconds to find a list of Japanese given names and do something about "Azazel"

In Japanese it would probably come across as 'Azazeru'. As Silentcook mentioned earlier, do a bit of research, break up your paragraphs so they're easier to read, etc. Respecting the reader allows the reader to appreciate your text. That way, your potential will find its way to full expression more easily.

And seriously, read that 'Tips for Authors' thing, like, a million times. Also, Bry, congrats on hitting 2.5k posts.

brythain wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:Please take another fifteen seconds to find a list of Japanese given names and do something about "Azazel"

In Japanese it would probably come across as 'Azazeru'.

That's not what I meant.
Whether it's the English spelling or a faux-romanized Japanese one, as long as he has that name I'll always expect him to turn out to be a demon in the end ^^°

-

Deletrd cuz iits awful

Good job trying to make your character unlikeable - if that's what you were going for.

Apart from a few other mistakes there is one sentence I can't make head nor tails of:

"*Gate and a bus stop are wonderful auxiliary wings*"

-

This story has improved a bit IMO, at any rate - always good to see

A few points:

Irdorath wrote:I'm Souma btw

Who uses "btw" in normal speech? For that matter, would you even bother to use text speak while using JSL?

Irdorath wrote:he'll be like Miki in Hanako's route

Why is this in white? It does not work on the forum's background (unless it was intentional. Please explain this one).

Irdorath wrote:Rika took him to the bus stop so she could smoke

Rikabro trace detected.
Not that I have any actual objections, provided you pull off the characterisation and not make her come off as a complete Jerk Sue.

Either way, this looks to be getting more interesting. Time to start paying closer attention

Oh c'mon, do we really need a character who literally calls other students faggots? With thirteen 'a's?

-

Irdorath wrote:He's meant to be unlikeable.

...why... why on earth.... why would center your story on someone we're not supposed to like?!

I mean, don't get me wrong, your character doesn't have to be perfect, I write Shizune fics for God's sake, but at least she has redeeming qualities! If you're making him unlikable, on purpose, then who the hell is our protagonist?!

.....right, I'll be leaving now. I might check back in occasionally just to validate my own sense of self worth. That's the only conceivable reason you would write a character carbon copied from my middle school years.