We Must Go On
The dull sensation of existing slowly comes back to me as my phone goes off with a blaring noise, somewhere in the distance. It sounds like it's a long ways off, like there's something blocking--oh, that's my pillow. And my blankets. I'm... I'm buried underneath them, and uh... in some weird semi-fetal position and geez okay it's getting louder. I begin disentangling myself from my stronghold, but before I can taste fresh air I hear the sound of my phone being answered.
“Hi, Suzuki residence, Miki speaking.” A sleepy voice says. What? I don't... well I guess that explains how I got here. The last thing I remember is sitting in the common room with Hisao and...
...Oh. Yeah. That.
I don't wanna think about. I don't wanna think about it. Damn, I'm thinking about it.
“Hi, Suzu's dad!” Miki's voice is coming from somewhere on my floor, providing me with a much needed distraction. She sounds about as awake as I am, and I can vaguely hear my dad's familiar, joking tone on the other end.
“It's good to talk to you too. I'm doin' fine, thanks for asking.” Miki chatters. I listen to them going back and forth for a few minutes, grateful for the chance to slowly come back to reality. At least I remember where I am. And who I am, those mornings are the worst. What... what time is it? I poke my head out from under the blankets.
“Is Suzu there? Hold on, I'll check.” Miki's face appears in my vision, staring at me sleepily. “Are you awake?”
My gaze goes from her to the clock on my nightstand. Mother of god.
I shake my head at Miki as vigorously as I can manage and then grab my blankets with both hands, throwing them over my head and disappearing back into the warm, dark folds. Who in their right mind would be up this early on a Sunday? It's immoral and would be illegal if I were in charge. I should run for office. Maybe I could get the Student Council on board? How does Shizune even know when to wake up in the mornings?
Miki has evidently retreated back to my floor. “She says she's asleep.”
There's a pause as I hear the faint rumble of my dad's voice. “Huh? What's she been up to lately?” Miki replies, her tone growing mischievous. “Well, in faaaact...” I can hear my best friend transitioning into gossip mode. Uh oh.
“Noo. No no.” I moan from my fortress. Miki presses on.
“Not too much to report. I know, I know, my spying skills are getting rusty. We had a big physics test and she thinks she did pretty damn good, so there's that. Oh, and there's also this boy...”
“No Miki please don't.” I reach out from under the covers, rooting around blindly for my phone, but she slaps my hand away gently.
“Yeah! Oh don't worry, he's pretty nice. And he knows who's boss around here. Yup, you can count on me. In fact, they had their first date last night and--” I begin to contemplate a rolling attack to shut Miki up, but her next words stop me. “Nah, nah, I actually don't know how it went. Yup, I will launch a full investigation right away. Yeah. Don't worry, you can count on me. Right, you too.”
There's a beeping noise, and I heave a sigh of relief. So Miki doesn't know the whole story, but she probably knows enough to get my parents worried again. I'm glad I can trust her not to spill everything right away though.
Miki's voice continues, even though I know she's already hung up. “What's that? I'm like a daughter to you and I'm totally cooler than Suzu and you wish you could adopt me? Well I'm flattered, Suzu's dad. What? I should just call you 'dad'? Well alright!”
“That's not funny.” I mumble, still wrapped up tightly in my covers.
“I thought you were asleep.” She retorts.
“I think I'm awake now.” Unfortunately. I sneak another peek at my nightstand. Nope, it's still too-damn-early o'clock.
“Hey.” I expected some more ribbing, but receive a firm tug on my shroud of covers instead. I slowly glance down at the girl laying on my floor. She's resting on a blanket that she stole from my bed, looking back up at me with pouting concern.
I know where this is going. Please don't. I just don't want to think about it.
“Can we not? I want to go back to sleep. Like, I really really want to. A lot.”
“Suzu.” Miki frowns. “Come on. I get back to the dorms last night and find you and Hisao all cuddled up in the chair. At first I thought it was cute until I saw what a mess you were. He said that he'd shown up for your date and you just woke up and started crying.”
I stare at her for a few long moments, trying to come up with a response. I was trying pretty hard not to think about it. I guess this moment had to come sooner or later.
Still, later is always better.
“Did you believe him?” I ask at last. Miki grins.
“I almost didn't. I was like Hisaooo, you made my Suzu cry...” She glares threateningly, and I can't help but giggle a bit. Miki, why are you so great. You really... I mean...
“I almost went full Stumpfist on him.” She says, and then gives me a knowing look. I start.
“You what?” I've never--how does she--I haven't even told anyone about that. Oh god, her secret identity is out. It might be time for sidekick-cide. I'm too young to die, I never even got a sidekick name!
“How do you know about...?” I trail off, feeling like I'm walking on broken glass. But Miki smiles up at me.
“You talk in your sleep, silly.”
Oh, that's. That's a thing that happens. “You're not mad...?”
Miki rolls her eyes. If anything, she looks a little embarrassed. “How could I be mad? 'Oh Stumpfist, quick, stop that bus full of orphans before it goes off the bridge!' 'Stumpfist look out, he's about to use his special scarf attack!' 'Stumpfist, use the boost to get through!'” She tilts her head at me, then glances away for a moment, staring at nothing. When she looks back, her gaze is distant.
“I'm no hero, Suzu. Stop building me into something I'm not.”
I frown. When we first started hanging out with just the two of us, it took a long time for her to get used to my condition. Not because it bothered her, not because she was annoyed at having to keep an eye on me, in fact, it took her a while to convince me otherwise. What bugged her was that she wasn't used to anyone relying on her like that, she didn't feel like she was up to it--maybe she didn't feel like anyone should trust her with something so important. The Miki lying on my floor right now is a very different person from the one that first arrived at Yamaku, but anyone can sink into their old ways sometimes. She's more than just a caretaker to me though, or a nanny. I can deal with the occasional scrape and bruise, if I really had to I would take the elevators to and from class every day and wear elbowpads or something. Or, or a helmet. I really don't want to do that. But my point is that I don't want someone who just makes sure I don't hurt myself. Miki is my friend, we've been through so much together and I only hope that I've helped her half as much as she's helped me. She's my friend, my best friend, and I hate it when she gets like this. I'd gladly return to the subject of last night if it put the fire back in her eyes.
“Then how come you brought me back to my room?” I ask.
Miki shrugs, still looking a little uncomfortable. “I couldn't just leave you there.”
“But then you stayed with me all night long. On my, quote, 'crap filled floor'.” I narrow my eyes at the jab she's often made, but Miki puffs her cheeks out in frustration.
“Well yeah, I thought you might be having your nightmares again. You know, like last year. I know summer break is coming up before long, and...”
She's missing the point, normally that's my job. I reach out, fumbling towards her again. Miki stares at me incredulously.
“Give.” I mumble. She raises an eyebrow, but extends her hand. I take it in mine.
“That sounds kind of heroic to me.” I say, looking her in the eyes. “I don't deserve having someone like you come along, Miki, but I'm really glad you did. Please don't forget that.”
Miki stares at me for a few moments before letting out a long sigh. She gives my hand a strong tug, and I end up rather unceremoniously sliding out of my bed, landing beside her on the floor. I'm once again grateful for the coating of soft objects I keep spread around my carpet. I'm such a good planner, sometimes, sometimes.
Miki glances over at me before looking up at the ceiling, putting one hand behind her head and her other, bandaged wrist in her lap.
“We've both seen some shit, huh Suzu? This year. And last year too.”
“Yup.” I reply softly, staring up at the morning light that paints my room. Lying here, our shoulders touching, it's really peaceful. Both of us are probably thinking about some of the stuff that's happened since we first met, when we were 2nd years. Her phantom limb pains, my night terrors. How I got the brace on my knee, and the noodle incident. That time with her family, and of course, my...
...My...
“Tell me what happened, Suzu. Last night, I mean.” I'm pulled out of my darkening thoughts by the voice of the girl lying next to me. Turning my head, I see that Miki is looking at me with an open expression, not judging, not worrying or motherly, just wanting to understand.
“Come on. No secrets, remember?” She says. We had made that promise long ago, but now I'm reminded that I haven't exactly been keeping it. I've never told her about my reoccurring dreams, playing board games with hooded figures over and over again in my sleep. It never seemed that important I guess, and besides, would she really believe me? Would anyone? How do you tell someone something like that?
But apparently I've been talking in my sleep. If Miki knows about my superhero fantasies, who knows what else I've been babbling about. I've got to be careful. Or, or, I would. If it was something I had any control over whatsoever. Dammit, dammit.
I guess it doesn't matter anyway, hopefully that's all behind me now. As long as something even worse doesn't come along, case in point, Saturday night. Although “worse” is still such a relative term.
“Hisao said you had a nightmare? Was it like before?” Miki bumps me with her shoulder.
I take a deep breath. No secrets. None that matter, anyway.
So I tell Miki the whole story, I tell her all about my dream. She laughs at my irrational fear of organ harvesters, she grins when I awkwardly describe being pressed against Hisao on the roller coaster. She gets misty eyed as I talk about the fireworks that set the sky ablaze with light above us, I jokingly tell her that I could recommend some decent romance novels if she's into that sort of thing. She calls me a gaylord. She grimaces when I describe waking up to find all of that pulled right out from underneath me, and then chuckles softly at Hisao's strategic use of Shakespeare.
“That's always been one of your favorite lines, right?”
“The 'were it not that I have bad dreams' one? Yeah.” We're back to staring up at the ceiling, still lying next to eachother on my floor. It must be almost noon by now, that means I almost should be considering getting up, maybe.
“Did he know that?”
“I don't think so.”
“Ha!” Miki rolls her eyes again, but then grows serious. “And then you kissed, right?”
I grimace, choosing to study the bumps on my ceiling instead of meeting my friend's gaze beside me. “It was more like me kissing him. But yeah, that happened.”
Miki gives me an “attagirl” bump on the shoulder, and then sighs. “So now you think he hates you, right?”
“...maybe.” The thought had crossed my mind. A few times. Miki raises herself up on her elbow, shaking her head at me.
“You idiot. He was so worried about you when I got there. He thought he had screwed something up.”
That doesn't really make me feel any better. “Nope, that was all me. Alll me.” This Sunday sucks. I reach up towards my bed and grab my blankets, intending to cocoon myself again and hopefully spend the remainder of the day unconscious. Miki pulls herself off my floor and starts making her way towards my closet.
“C'mon, Suzu.” She says, reaching for one of my uniforms. “You've moped enough, it's time to go fix this crap.”
“Nooo.” I pull a thick wad of blankets on top of me and then begin rolling sideways, my body bumping up and down over the various objects strewn across my floor. I'm a caterpillar, warm and comfy and caterpillars don't have to worry about boys or dates or anything like that. Nope, they just hang out all day and dream of one day turning into a butterfly.
I stop mid-roll. Well, actually, I bumped into something particularly hard, but I stop in mid-thought, too.
How do I become a butterfly? Maybe Miki's right. I don't know if I could take the thought of Hisao hating me. But I want that feeling back, I want to go back to sitting there together, under that bright sky of fireworks. I want to feel his hand in mine again, and, and... I want to kiss him again. The right way, the normal way this time.
I want all that back. It never even happened, but I want to change that. I guess. I mean, I want to try.
So that's settled then. I begin to go about the task of unraveling myself from my blankets when I feel Miki's foot bump into my side.
“Get up, you. We're going to the boy's dorms.” She says.
“You're a monster.” I mumble back. Who kicks caterpillars?
We arrive at the boy's dormitories some time later. I had stopped for an unplanned nap along the way, and I'm still rubbing my eyes as we walk through the doors, but I can feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster. Miki grins next to me as we make our way up the stairs towards Hisao's room. We might have done a little scouting around the first week he got here, purely for research purposes, of course. The nameplates help, and before long, I'm standing in front of one that bears the name “Nakai”.
Right. Okay. I can do this. I'll just knock on the door. And he'll open it and say hi, and I'll say hi back and then...
...and then... then I'll say... I mean, then I'll tell him that...
Okay, wait, this requires more planning. I turn to ask Miki if she wants to get breakfast first, but I can only watch in horror as she strides up to Hisao's door, bangs on it a few times with her good hand, and then immediately starts headed towards the staircase.
“Miki why.” I call after her, but she just shoots me one of her catlike grins.
“Have fun, Suzu.” She says warmly before disappearing from view.
I knew I shouldn't have started calling her Stumpfist. I begin to hear movement from the other side of the door, and quickly glance to my left and right, looking for a way out. Panic! Panic!
The door opens. Hisao is standing there, wearing his usual white shirt and tie. Oh.
Oh, this is... it's a familiar scene, actually. I've been here before. Not at this door, not with this boy staring back at me. But it's close. That messy hair, the sloppily done tie. They really do look so much alike, I can't believe I never noticed it before.
I forgot how good this feels. I want this back.
I can do this. I'll find a way.
“Hi.” Hisao says, looking at me a little blankly.
“Hi.” I crack a weak smile, and he smiles back. Okay, good start. He hasn't asked me to leave or anything.
“Are you here by yourself?” Hisao glances around.
“I came here with Miki, but she ran away and left me here.” I put on my best pouting expression, the one I've remembered to practice a few times in front of a mirror. It seems to be working, Hisao's smile grows.
“Like an orphan left on the steps, huh?”
“Right.” I nod, frowning. Hisao laughs, but there seems to be no natural direction for this conversation to go now. Right. Time to get down to business.
“About last night.” I say. Hisao nods tentatively, waiting for me to go on. But I don't know how. Screw it.
“I don't know how to say this.” I stare at the floor, feeling my face begin to grow warm. Hisao takes a step forward, closing his door behind him, and for a moment I wonder if he's hiding something. Maybe he's bought into the whole anti-feminist propaganda, and has a stockpile of arms and ammunition hidden away? Now I'm imagining him in a jungle somewhere, streaked in war paint and with a red headband and--no, no, stop. This is important.
“I just want...” I'm so tired of feeling helpless. Playing games in my dreams against my will, having to spend so much time catching up on missed classes, and even this... I want to grab my life by my own two hands and shake it, and say “I'm in charge!”. And then go to the ocean and scream it to the waves or something. But I can't. I can't. My head doesn't work right. And it's not going to.
But it could be worse. And I can still have some nice things, but only if I do something about it. Only if I make the effort.
I have to try.
“I just want to say that I'm sorry about what happened on Saturday and can we please try again.” I blurt out the words with unfocused eyes, and quickly glance at Hisao for a reaction.
He looks relieved.
“Like I said before, you don't need to apologize. And I'd like that.” He says, and then he smiles, and, and, okay. All right. We can try this dance again. I'll probably screw this one up too. But maybe he's used to that by now, and he won't mind.
“Okay.” I try not to let my own relief show too much, but it seems like a feeling we both share, like we dodged a bullet or something. I need to thank Miki, for a lot of things.
“When?” I ask. I'm really, really tempted to set something for further on in the week and make my escape, but I can't stand the thought of more awkward days of just waiting.
“Are you busy now?” Hisao seems to be having the same thought. I shake my head, smiling.
“Nope. Want to go get some breakfast?”
Hisao raises an eyebrow. “It's past noon.”
“The best mornings are the ones that aren't in the morning. Let's go.”
We emerge into the soft sunlight of a Sunday morni--afternoon, walking side by side.
“Where do you want to go?” Hisao asks.
To the city, to the amusement park, I want to say. But it's a Sunday and we can't be out all night, and besides, I don't even know if that place actually exists outside of my head. Come to think of it, I've been here at Yamaku for three years now, if there was a theme park a mere bus ride away, I would have heard of it.
Well, that sucks. I don't really have any ideas now, I just know I'd rather not try out the delicious school cafeteria cuisine, and there are few things less romantic than a vending machine sandwich.
“We could head into town.” I don't leave the school grounds often, but since I'm going all out today, I might as well. That's right! I'm seizing the day. Carpe day-em. Or, no, that's not the phrase. Carpe... carpet... I can't remember. I think I need a nap.
“How about the Shanghai?” Hisao's voice pushes aside my thoughts.
“The Shanghai is boring, remember?”
Hisao juts his chin into the air. “Well I rather like it. And besides, I'm paying anyway, so I get to decide.”
“Oh, is that how it is?” I grin a little bit as we walk across the school grounds. I guess that makes it more like an official date, so I don't mind.
“Yeah. That's how it is.” We reach the gates. Before us stretches the long, winding hill down to the quiet town below. Once again I'm unable to escape from the mental image of passing out here and rolling the rest of the way down. Yeah, no. But the best way to ensure that doesn't happen, is... is...
Carpe diem. Oh wait, there, that's it.
“Have we held hands before?” I mumble, still staring at that hill before finally turning to look at Hisao, who's watching me curiously. I can feel myself blushing.
“You don't remember?” He asks.
“I can't tell sometimes.” The memory of my dream begins to stab at me, but Hisao's smile drives it away.
“I don't think we have.” He says.
Okay, good, that's what I thought. “Can we change that?” I ask quietly.
“If you want.”
“I do.” I want more than that. I want what we shared last night to be real, I want to tell him that I'm glad he's here and that he makes me feel weird and alive and scared and--
Hisao extends his hand, still smiling but obviously unfamiliar with this part. That's okay.
I take his hand in mine, and they fit together pretty well. This feels good, it feels normal and natural and, after my dream last night, almost familiar.
I want to get all that back, but I know I can't do it all at once. Not right now, and maybe not even by the end of today, or even a week from now. But this is a start. And journeys end in lovers meeting, every wise man's son doth know.
Shakespeare again. I must be awake now.
“Let's go.” Hisao looks me straight in the eyes, smiling warmly. I stare back at him, and try my best to match that brilliant smile, in spite of the ever present fatigue behind my eyes, and the threat of the hill in front of us, and my fear of doing something stupid, and...
I give his hand a squeeze, focusing only on his warm touch. I could get used to this. I'd like to get used to this.
“Here we go then.” I say.
Together, we set off towards the peaceful town below.
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and i'm loving the story so far Scissorlips, take your time!