Katawa Shoujo Forums

Mirage_GSM wrote:Have you considered that not every part of the dorms has to have the same layout as the corridor Hisao and Kenji live in?
In fact very few buildings are that symmetrical.

…You know, it actually never occurred to me.

Helbereth wrote:Personally, I try not to be terribly specific about the interior or exterior design of the buildings because I'm not an architect.

Understandable. My brain just runs away with things sometimes.
If this is annoying anyone, though, please let me know; I wouldn't want to be a bother.


Also, I've been reconsidering a bit; perhaps it would be better to have stair at all four ends of the cruciform hallways and put the lifts in the core?
edit: Like this:

(deadfic)

Leaty wrote:Negative, I think it's pretty cool. It's kind of like fanart for this story.

Oh, thanks!

Leaty wrote:Yeah, I like that a lot better actually. It would probably be less of a pain in the ass for the wheelchair crowd.

Aye, that's what I was thinking.

Leaty wrote:In fact, now I'm not even sure if a building with only four floors would need so many fire escapes.

That's a point; now that we've got stairwells at the end of each cruciform corridor, perhaps just put fire exits at their bottoms?


Oh, one flaw with the current design is that the open stairwells will make climate control a bit more difficult. And the lack of fire doors sectioning off the level might be a code violation, but the stairs use the corridors as landings and... Hm... Do you think that this is a problem?

(deadfic)

Looking forward to the continuation of this series.

Though the conversation peters out after that, I spent the next few minutes silently basking in my success as Hanako quietly goes over her notes from the previous class.

You either need 'petered' or 'spend' rather than the versions presented. Otherwise there's a tense issue with this sentence.

Before anybody asks: getting body-checked by a fast moving projectile is different for a 5'11", broad-shouldered ex-soccer player than it is for a 4'10 girl who's been frail her whole life.

If Hisao is a hair above 5'8", I'm the Queen of England.

It's good to see this continue. You probably spend as much time in Iwanako's head as I do in that of Aiko, which I'm not going to identify as a good or bad thing--I'm merely pointing it out. Your interpretation of Hanako is sublime, though I'm not sure where you plan to take that situation. Having the Emi scene carry more weight makes plenty of sense, so I'm not sure why you felt the need to justify it.

Well there goes one idea i had for my fic...

Anyway, It seems to be getting better with each chapter so keep it up.

Oooh, a cliffhanger!
That's going to make waiting for the next chapter harder...
Very nice scene with Hanako. Usually I'd count being able to handle a situation like this without complications as a sign for "Mary Sue", but you managed to make it believable.
And this time Emi is going to have to face the consequences of her running for once. Looking forward to see how you handle that.

Iwanako is a full foot shorter than Hisao? That said, it does make sense she would have a much worse reaction to getting hit, as well as Emi not flying backwards form the collision. Overall, very entertaining chapter. Really liked the interaction with Hanako.

Oh, wonderful, an update! As (I think) I said, here's an attempt at a more detailed commentary

"short of Misha brightly greeting me when I walked in, I haven’t actually said a word to anybody since I sat down."
I'd suggest rewriting this slightly; currently, the first part only mentions Misha speaking, not Iwanako, which doesn't connect with the second part.

Is your non-use of the Oxford Comma deliberate?

"I’m… not too great at this on my own…"
Good opening, I think, if this is heading into a Hanako route.

"Holy mother of pearl, really?"
Hm, don't think that I've heard that one before.

"Threat Condition Bravo"
Is this made up on the spur of the moment, or is it part of a system of which I'm not aware? The JDF's equivalent of DEFCON?

"a giant, terrible epiphany…"
Interesting…

And this isn't exactly counting as evidence against my Hanako route hypothesis. While a scientist ought to be happy to be proved wrong (since that offers the possibility of correction), there's no shame in being even happier about being right. :)

"Before I can protest her not affording me any credit in the matter, we turn a corner and—"
Oh, right, Iwanako's not met Emi yet, has she? Well, until now.

"You get one piece-of-garbage heart and as soon as it’s gone it’s game over."
Hm… I'd suggest "heart, and as soon as it's gone, it's game over" or "heart and, as soon as it's gone, it's game over". I'm not sure, though. Oh, and I'm finding it interesting that this seems more severe than Hisao's run-in with Emi (or at least we're getting more juicy introspection and description than I remember).

"…Hands. Hands behind my head, hands under my back, hands under my feet… I’m being lifted onto something… A board of some kind? A stretcher. I guess the cavalry rode in…"
Ah, so not my imagination that it's worse, though.

"I black out."
…Urk. Oh come on, you're stopping the chapter there?! …Back to waiting, I guess. Sigh…

"Before anybody asks: getting body-checked by a fast moving projectile is different for a 5'11", broad-shouldered ex-soccer player than it is for a 4'10 girl who's been frail her whole life."
Ooh, good point! I continue to quite enjoy this story and the work that you put into it.
(Though in that particular sentence, I dislike your use of American units instead of metric. It's a thing with me.)

Reese8 wrote:"short of Misha brightly greeting me when I walked in, I haven’t actually said a word to anybody since I sat down."
I'd suggest rewriting this slightly; currently, the first part only mentions Misha speaking, not Iwanako, which doesn't connect with the second part.

Perhaps, "short of my quick response to Misha's bright greeting when".

Reese8 wrote:Is your non-use of the Oxford Comma deliberate?

Damn! Missed that. It is not deliberate on my part. Add a comma between 'pills' and 'and'.

Reese8 wrote:"I’m… not too great at this on my own…"
Good opening, I think, if this is heading into a Hanako route.

We shall see, we shall see.

Reese8 wrote:"Holy mother of pearl, really?"
Hm, don't think that I've heard that one before.

As Leaty explained it to me, Iwanako is not one to swear with vulgarity.

Reese8 wrote:"Threat Condition Bravo"
Is this made up on the spur of the moment, or is it part of a system of which I'm not aware? The JDF's equivalent of DEFCON?

Terrorist Threat Conditions

Reese8 wrote:"a giant, terrible epiphany…"
Interesting…

And this isn't exactly counting as evidence against my Hanako route hypothesis. While a scientist ought to be happy to be proved wrong (since that offers the possibility of correction), there's no shame in being even happier about being right.

Again, we shall see.

Reese8 wrote:"Before I can protest her not affording me any credit in the matter, we turn a corner and—"
Oh, right, Iwanako's not met Emi yet, has she? Well, until now.

"You get one piece-of-garbage heart and as soon as it’s gone it’s game over."
Hm… I'd suggest "heart, and as soon as it's gone, it's game over" or "heart and, as soon as it's gone, it's game over". I'm not sure, though. Oh, and I'm finding it interesting that this seems more severe than Hisao's run-in with Emi (or at least we're getting more juicy introspection and description than I remember).

"…Hands. Hands behind my head, hands under my back, hands under my feet… I’m being lifted onto something… A board of some kind? A stretcher. I guess the cavalry rode in…"
Ah, so not my imagination that it's worse, though.

"I black out."
…Urk. Oh come on, you're stopping the chapter there?! …Back to waiting, I guess. Sigh…

"Before anybody asks: getting body-checked by a fast moving projectile is different for a 5'11", broad-shouldered ex-soccer player than it is for a 4'10 girl who's been frail her whole life."
Ooh, good point! I continue to quite enjoy this story and the work that you put into it.
(Though in that particular sentence, I dislike your use of American units instead of metric. It's a thing with me.)

Yes, it's time to meet Emi. I don't think those commas are necessary. Yeah, it's worse. What's better than a cliffhanger? And you'll put up with the units because it's not in the story.

---

If I had managed to be the first one to respond after this chapter was posted, I would have said something like:

"That's all folks. Iwanako dies after being run into by Emi. Because the main difference between Iwanako and Hisao is how frail she is. Leaty, I look forward to helping you with your next story."

Helbereth wrote:

Though the conversation peters out after that, I spent the next few minutes silently basking in my success as Hanako quietly goes over her notes from the previous class.

You either need 'petered' or 'spend' rather than the versions presented. Otherwise there's a tense issue with this sentence.

Yeah, that should be 'spend'.

Helbereth wrote:

Before anybody asks: getting body-checked by a fast moving projectile is different for a 5'11", broad-shouldered ex-soccer player than it is for a 4'10 girl who's been frail her whole life.

If Hisao is a hair above 5'8", I'm the Queen of England.

Agreed.

Helbereth wrote:It's good to see this continue. You probably spend as much time in Iwanako's head as I do in that of Aiko, which I'm not going to identify as a good or bad thing--I'm merely pointing it out. Your interpretation of Hanako is sublime, though I'm not sure where you plan to take that situation. Having the Emi scene carry more weight makes plenty of sense, so I'm not sure why you felt the need to justify it.

I think I can speak with confidence that your and Mirage's opinion of how Hanako's scene was done will be taken as extremely high praise.

Oh damn, should've checked one more time in the morning. I've been eagerly awaiting this one ever since your reply saying it's finished. I see other posters have proofread this chapter, so I'll just move straight to my thoughts and impressions (and nitpicking).

Leaty wrote:In search of a solution, I glance at the desk behind me, only to find a very overweight student blithely snoozing in his chair. Great… Rock and a hard place, indeed.

Am I a terrible person for laughing at this line? If so, so be it.

Leaty wrote:In fact, the only student who isn’t already in a group is that tall girl who never speaks to anybody…

Hmm.

Dare I?

No, it couldn’t be that easy, could it?

Oh.

This is when I realize this is the chapter I've been waiting for. How best to react?

Hmm I know. How about OhgodyesthisisthechapterI'vebeenwaitingfor

Leaty wrote: She sits up with a start, as though horrified somebody’s acknowledging her existence, and looks over at me in shock, and for the first time, we actually make eye contact—

OH—!

Oh gosh her face—

OH—!

Dat suspense

I'm not usually at the edge of my seat like that. For a minute there I seriously thought Hanako was gonna bolt halfway through that group assignment. The class's stares merely increased those suspicions. Call me macabre. But then, I was pleasantly surprised when instead, the two shared a touching first (technically second) meeting of sorts. Very good. Looks like Iwanako's gambit paid off—very encouraging. A little bit of social intrigue is always interesting, and almost foreign to KS.

Leaty wrote: Well, this is certainly another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. She’s going to stand up and rush out of the classroom,

Hmm, I find the wording here a bit odd though. You've mentioned you like to make oblique references to canon, and this was one such intentional reference, right? Regardless, I might have forgotten a fine detail from a previous scene, so correct me if I'm wrong, but Iwanako couldn't possibly know about Hanako's "I'vegottagodosomething!" syndrome yet, could she? If so, it almost makes Iwanako look psychic, metafictional conundrums aside.

Leaty wrote:Hanako doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I turn to her as I stand up from my seat. “Are you eating lunch in here?”

“N, no. I’m… waiting for somebody.”

Huh, so she does have friends. That’s a relief to hear. I want to know more, but I think I’ve probably bugged her enough for today.

“Oh, well, see you in a bit, then.”

“Bye… Iwanako.”

Ah, no Lilly today. Hanako must feel like me right now. Alas. This just means you simply must be onto something. Something good and well and cheerful, surely. A little bit of lighthearted comic relief perhaps? Hmm, I wonder what that might be—

Leaty wrote:CRACK

“Aw man, I— Oh, oh crap. Are you all right? Oh my god…”

“Shit! I’m so, so sorry…”

“Ibarazaki, what the hell?!”

“You’re okay, right? I… do you need me to get the nurse?”

thumpthump

“Oh my god. I’ll get him, Emi…”

thumpthumpthumpthump

Well, I’ve had more than enough of this.

I black out.

...

God damn.

Cliffhangers now?!


So, excellent as always. I can tell you put great care in polishing these gems before releasing them to the masses. No rush.

I must say though, that cliffhanger felt a little... anticlimatic? Iwanako thinks some things, goes like, "Welp, that's all folks!" then blacks out. I can't describe it, it just intuitively feels off to me, and it could just be me. Unless she turned to a nihilistic sort of mood on her 'impending' death, understandable given the way fate's playing games with her. It also just occurred to me that this is a similar attitude Hisao had in The Deep End, if that makes sense.

It also does make complete sense that the Emirocket would be super effective in this case. It's a bit odd that the collision still happens the exact same way "in spite of a nail" (I vaguely remember something several pages ago about a student desk), but I'm not the Spacetime Police or anything so I'm totally okay with that. I just wasn't expecting it to be the same but worse. You probably thought about this through already anyways.

More importantly, if first impressions are everything, it's probable Iwanako's perception of Emi is completely besmirched straight out of the gate with this one—being nearly killed by Emi's recklessness and all that. I see poor Emi either trying to do everything to make it up to Iwanako (like with Hisao, but more dramatically), and if that were to fail, Emi's screw-it-I-tried nature would probably set in and... bad stuff. Doubtful—just my personal fanwank. Either way it goes it'll be interesting, certainly starkly different from Hisao and Emi's relationship.

Another thing that's gone unsaid so far—day three, new student taken away on a stretcher? Rumor mill, go. Does this mean Iwanako's condition will be more publicly scrutinized than Hisao's ever was? That's a wild tangent if true—and spells doom lots of uncomfortable moments for our heroine.

Last but not least, I have to return to the other highlight of the chapter: Hanako.

I see you've been waiting for a while to have Iwanako monologue about where Hanako stands in relation to herself. I like that, I like where that's going. That's one of those snippets I'll have to reread a few times to fully absorb and appreciate. That's surely the subplot with the most amount of potential now, in my opinion.

Furthermore, I'm with Reese on this one. Given no twists or obstacles, this ship looks to be steaming full speed ahead set on a course to Hanako Route. Shizune's glaring daggers at Iwanako, Molly's just BFF material, and Emi, well...

Leaty wrote:CRACK

Yeah. That. Lilly is unknown (but friends with Hanako), Rin is probably too weird and incomprehensible (and friends with Emi), Momomi is definitely too weird and incomprehensible—although she crosses the line twice and they're dormies, so that's my first second hypothesis still. In the end, I know that regardless of whom you pair Iwanako with, you'll make it work, so I also know I won't be disappointed however long from now that may be.

I hope you don't mind my half-baked speculations; try not to think of them as requests or anything. I don't wish to come across as demanding changes or even suggestions in the direction of your work—I'm not your editor or anything of the sort, as fun as that job sounds. Besides, writing a Hanako chapter simultaneous with my first post is good enough fortune for me. But anyway...

Looking forward to the fallout of Iwanako Heart Failure 2.0. Shine on, ma'am!


P.S.

Helbereth wrote:If Hisao is a hair above 5'8", I'm the Queen of England.

compound Two words: Cowlick.

Alright, alright. Lilly is 171cm (about 5'7) and in canon it's stated that Hisao isn't much taller than that, and it's possible Lilly is even taller.

"Threat Condition Bravo"

So, Iwanako has intricate knowledge of the workings of another nation's department of defense? Damn, girl is cosmopolitan.

Decided to read this fic after seeing get recommended. I'll be following this... lurking.

As for any criticisms and what not, all that would be is a broken record.

I'm definitely sensing some Iwahanako going on, unless Iwanako gets much closer to Aoi, Keiko, Momomi, or someone else by the festival.

Hm… I'd suggest "heart, and as soon as it's gone, it's game over" or "heart and, as soon as it's gone, it's game over". I'm not sure, though.

The comme before "and" is mandatory. The ones around "as soon as it's gone" are optional, but I'd leave them out or use dashes instead... probably leave them out.

So, Iwanako has intricate knowledge of the workings of another nation's department of defense? Damn, girl is cosmopolitan.

Only thing it takes is watching one foreign spy thriller...