Katawa Shoujo Forums

Erenussocrates wrote:@Kutagh, well I would love to have a gf which I would like, but I guess I have motivation issues as well, lol. And I just don't have any female friends to begin with, which I could call or propose to meet and stuff. And I have lost my touch with females even further since I've graduated from highschool. I just get so tense when I'm around a girl and if it's inevitable to strike a conversation with her.

Are you me, cause that's exactly what I am like right now. Especially the bolded part.

Surreal-mind wrote:Seems like I spoke too soon when said that the future seemed bright...
Something really bad happened yesterday, in a matter of minutes my future and present were completely obliberated.
I spent hours curled up in a corner of my dark room, i didn't eat anyting, and didn't sleep at all.
I really feel like a hypocrite for telling people to not give up on things, I've tried my best to be positive about everything, tried my best to make things better, but in the end everything ended in disater (as it always does).
I really don't know what's gonna happen in the next days, I really feel horrible.
I was only half-joking about the curse thing... sometimes it really feels like I am affected by a curse.
Everything always goes HORRIBLY wrong and whenever it seems like something good's about to happen, it ends up just being life giving me false hope... it's kind of like giving a kid candy and then taking it away, except that the candy never really existed to begin with...

I am sorry if my post doesn't make much sense, I can't even speak properly right now, it borders on a miracle that I was able to gather the strength to type something right now ...

I don't know what's going on right now, just know we are all behind you and here to listen when you wanna talk. Momentai, bro.

Surreal-mind wrote: devastation

Buddy, I am so sorry to hear that.

You aren't a hypocrite for telling people not to give up. We all of us have reversals, sometimes crushing ones, and it's okay to sad about them. Your present might be wrecked (or it might seem a little better tomorrow, I don't know your circumstances) but as you said, you're 26 years old. You may feel old, but you aren't. You can rebuild a future.

I wish I could give some better comfort, or wiser words. I'm pulling for you. I hope things get brighter soon.

Erenussocrates wrote:@Micijayah, I disagree. I could say from what I hear from other people and from my one stupid internet relationship I had, I could say that ladies tend to be more shy than guys concerning the relationships. So men always have to take the first steps. I took the first steps at my former internet relationship as well. You cannot just be friends with a girl and wait for them to confess their love to you, they won't. That's all I know..

Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm just basing my way of dealing with women on the one successful relationship in my life. I didn't want to get involved with her because I knew she would be leaving by the end of the year. I liked her and I knew that she liked me, I just never made a move, because I was afraid of the heartbreak that would follow at the end of the year when I would have to say good bye.
I think that she saw that I was hesitant, so she made the first move.

Anyways, my point is that you probably shouldn't take relationship advice from me

Surreal-mind wrote:Seems like I spoke too soon when said that the future seemed bright...
Something really bad happened yesterday, in a matter of minutes my future and present were completely obliberated.
I spent hours curled up in a corner of my dark room, i didn't eat anyting, and didn't sleep at all.
I really feel like a hypocrite for telling people to not give up on things, I've tried my best to be positive about everything, tried my best to make things better, but in the end everything ended in disater (as it always does).
I really don't know what's gonna happen in the next days, I really feel horrible.
I was only half-joking about the curse thing... sometimes it really feels like I am affected by a curse.
Everything always goes HORRIBLY wrong and whenever it seems like something good's about to happen, it ends up just being life giving me false hope... it's kind of like giving a kid candy and then taking it away, except that the candy never really existed to begin with...

I am sorry if my post doesn't make much sense, I can't even speak properly right now, it borders on a miracle that I was able to gather the strength to type something right now ...

I really don't know what's gonna happen in the next days, I really feel horrible.
I was only half-joking about the curse thing... sometimes it really feels like I am affected by a curse.
Everything always goes HORRIBLY wrong and whenever it seems like something good's about to happen, it ends up just being life giving me false hope... it's kind of like giving a kid candy and then taking it away, except that the candy never really existed to begin with...

I am sorry if my post doesn't make much sense, I can't even speak properly right now, it borders on a miracle that I was able to gather the strength to type something right now ...

We're all here for you, just take a moment to breathe and if you feel you have to vent, we will listen.

@Xiious: Hey, don't get me wrong. I got 99 problems and they awl BITCHES.



But for realsies, I think the best course of action is to just be you. Put yourself out there, but be sensible about it. I think, anyway. I think I've posted chick advice on this thread so much that I'm never sure when I'm parroting myself or DIRECTLY contradicting everything I say, hahah.

But yeah. Your brain is a dick, and your dick has a brain. Tune 'em out and just do YOU, boss.

Good to have you back!

@Pyramid Head in reference to young 'uns: Jesus. I'm 24 and I had you pegged as like seventeen. Fuck. No offense intended and no harm done, right? Hahah! NOW I FEEL ALL CRUSTY AND DUSTY AND RUSTY MY TERRIBLE SECRET'S OUT

@Surreal Mind: I completely understand, I think, and you know what? Don't sweat it. Baby steps, boss. Some days are piss-awful, and you just gotta handle what you gotta handle, even if that something is simple as "Hey, HBHC, today SUCKED." Nothing wrong. Get some rest, eat a kickass breakfast, and PM me if you need any further pep-talk on the down-low. Savvy?

Ok I finally plucked up the courage to check out my old friends fb and seen that they have been on recently... so that means no reply for me.

I am currently not affected but sometimes things sort of take time to have an impact. I still have hope, I kinda think maybe I need to do more to prove myself. Eh I dunno. I'm just glad she knows what she means to me.

Welp, I guess this doesnt change anything but I just wanted to let you guys know because thats kinda what I started out with, even if it was unintentional. ^^

Thank you guys <3

Total Destruction wrote: Tune 'em out and just do YOU, boss.

Baby steps, boss.

PM me if you need any further pep-talk on the down-low. Savvy?

The "Boss" thing kind of reminds me of Gatsby's "Old Sport!" from The Great Gatsby. Not that that's a bad thing. Gatsby was great.

Surreal-mind, I don't know what happened, but I think you'll find a way to overcome this too. In life, we will fall 12 times, so it means we will have to stand up 13 times. Don't feel bad about encouraging others, everyone has a bad time form time to time.

Approximately 21 years and 3 months ago, I was born...Three months too soon. Apparently, mother has a pattern going because after my younger brother was born okay, she eventually had a prematurely-born daughter who suffocated to death when she was nearing one year old. But I survived...Against all odds, I walked and talked...Age three (and again at 15), I had a surgery to extend my heelcord in the right leg. Age four, I was diagnosed with autism. Age five, I spent my very first words complaining to my physical therapist that my playdoh was the wrong kind of blue.

I can't remember what age school started but...That's where things went wrong. We lived, at various times, in different parts of Kentucky and Florida. Neither was any better than the other.

In Kentucky, I met people who saw only the defects, The shrunken, undeveloped limbs and the heavy limp. In Kentucky, I met people who disdained my autism-related flaws and slowness. I met people who hated me for these meaningless things I could never control. I met people who, while not hating me at first, grew to hate me because it was apparently the popular way. What few friends I might have gained - I only remember ever calling three people 'friends' who stayed that way - turned against me once people started taunting them for it. Many even made a game of pretending only to lure me into various traps. You know how on the TV, sometimes there's that unpopular character who gets a date over a dare, prank, or lost bet? Yeah...That can actually happen, it seems. A lot. And they never once even kept the charade going long enough to actually go through with it. Just long enough to fool me. Even my family wasn't that good about it...If they didn't seem indifferent, they seemed outright spiteful. My only solid memory of my sixth year of life is being chased by a mob of peers and pelted with rocks. My sibling led them. I do not say "brother" because brotherhood is about a bond, not mere blood...And we never had any such thing. Three years ago, I officially disowned him both for his part in my past and continued incompetence and selfishness in the present. I simply could not relate to such a tool. But I digress: Back to the early years...

In short order, I grew depressed...Angry...Bitter...Cold. Forcibly shunned by undue cruelty and later deliberately isolated to avoid the same. My hatred for people grew. My loathing turned inward to destroy me from within. Any ability to feel beyond a dull bitter resentment shriveled into nothing. My social abilities, obstructed as they already were by my conditions, eventually withered to far outdo my physical inability. To this day, they haven't been repaired...Only dressed up a bit. My other thread explains the ultimate result of that, my lack of connection to people. But then...

Age 13. I found the internet a few years back and rapidly grew to enjoy it. People could see nothing so they could judge nothing. Eventually (some years), the prospect of what they call "online dating" appeared and, lacking options but desperately needing companionship, I tried my hand...The first failed for strained schedules. The second failed for a volatile love-hate dynamic that was simply doing too much damage. The last failed, despite repeated attempts and a currently-maintained friendship, due to a mixture of time, distance that simply could not be closed, and (later) general incompatibility. Around that point, I came to accept that I would die alone. I had tried to fix my problems often...I had even tried going around my problems via the online medium...Both failed time and again. I know I will all-too-likely die by myself. But I have come to terms with that...Mostly. I don't have friends as such, more acquaintances...I don't go out...I live in my room most of the time. But I don't have a problem with these things.

I do not have a broken heart...But it is a heavily scabbed one. Mind you, I have come to terms with all of this and am very much fine with my ways and content in my life...But there are still scars and scars can be irritated. Time heals all wounds...But only just enough that the scar tissue can be irritated by a moment's misstep. "What if?" is a damnable question but it cannot be avoided. In a touch of irony, I don't think I'd have found this place if my life's circumstances were better. I don't think I would be as intuitive or understanding or individualistic or accepting or complex as I am had I not been on the fringes observing everything so very closely despite being so far from it all. But I also wouldn't be so cynical, jaded, mistrusting...Nonetheless. It is a very valuable perspective and one I would not trade away.

I do not believe in regret. To regret even the smallest event in your life is to regret all you have become as it is these events that shape us...And I regret nothing. I am at peace with my damages and my life and my solitude. And my scars. Of course, I still have bad nights. Days when the depression wells up, the wounds of years all ache in unison, and my thoughts dwell on terminating it all...Oh, do they dwell...But they never become real. I'm much too purely fearful of mortality...Not death, mind you. Mortality. It is on those nights that regret may surface...Those nights that I may hate my very birth...But those nights may be easier with some place to go.

Xanatos,

Thank you for you story. I can only say how low I think it is of those people to abuse someone who has an actual handicap. I can only call them cowards. Don't resign. the world is big and there are all sorts of pople out there, including very good ones. Even though life didn't work out for you yet, I think it will. Keep on looking for your way. I hope you will find it very soon.

Beoran wrote:Xanatos,

Thank you for you story. I can only say how low I think it is of those people to abuse someone who has an actual handicap. I can only call them cowards. Don't resign. the world is big and there are all sorts of people out there, including very good ones. Even though life didn't work out for you yet, I think it will. Keep on looking for your way. I hope you will find it very soon.

Some liked to call my condition a plan of God...Or a punishment from the same. Incidentally, I was also abused for having "sinful" ideas when we lived in an apparently overly-religious town. Ever been set on fire before? Lucky for me he was dumb enough to do so near a water source so the flames only ate up my shirt before I got them out. He being that former brother of mine...For a while, I was much into Satanism (I've experimented with a great many faiths to find my way) and, being a church-raised dolt, he took it to mean devil worship despite that being merely a misnomer caused by his own ignorance...He lit me aflame in my sleep one night. As a "taste of Hell"...

Most was from non-related peers though. Strangulation was a common tactic for them. I have a shunt in my head with a tube running to my stomach, to drain excess cerebrospinal fluids...Hydrocephalus caused the brain damage resulting in my palsy, you see. Some years ago, I learned the tube is broken is my neck. The fluid buildup seems to be stabilized now though or I think I'd be in trouble by now...I do suffer extreme headaches now and again though...

Father says the ill fortune of my birth might have been from a doctor's malpractice...He wanted to sue but mother would not consent access to the medical records. He believes she was fearful that her pregnant drinking would have been discovered...I don't know how much of that is true (save the drinking) but it troubles me...

My life is fairly comparable to Hanako's, except my scars aren't physical (mostly)...And I wasn't an orphan. And instead of something to protect, I was something to attack. The exact opposite but the same damage done...

I can't say I hate these people though. If I had been normal, I would have gone on thinking they were decent people. At least thanks to my damage, I saw the filth beneath their daily facades...As I said before, mine has been a valuable perspective. The scum of humanity hide from many with their fakeness and masquerades...But I can see them for what they are now. And on the opposite of that, when I see the good ones, I can appreciate it all the more for the disgusting ways of the bad.

Just read through about 10 pages , I guess that's what I get for not checking this forum for a week. But I read through every post, I have nothing to comment, I want you to know that I read them.
Nothing new with me. That job I mentioned in my last post starts in few weeks and I am exited (and bit nervous) about it.

May I just say I'm amazed at how well all of you are at expressing your feelings and opinions?
I have such a hard time putting my own issues (which seem rather insignificant compared to some stories here) into words and it surprises me to see that you often describe feelings similar to my own so well. Sadly this also means I can't really find the words to offer support to you guys, other than saying that I wish you all the best and hope everything works out.

Oh and by the way, young-uns, I'm 30. Where's my old guy of the month award?

Thespian wrote:May I just say I'm amazed at how well all of you are at expressing your feelings and opinions?
I have such a hard time putting my own issues (which seem rather insignificant compared to some stories here) into words and it surprises me to see that you often describe feelings similar to my own so well. Sadly this also means I can't really find the words to offer support to you guys, other than saying that I wish you all the best and hope everything works out.

Oh and by the way, young-uns, I'm 30. Where's my old guy of the month award?

You'll get it when you're 40 and not a second sooner, young man!

Thespian wrote:May I just say I'm amazed at how well all of you are at expressing your feelings and opinions?

There are some truly amazing people in here, both the talkers and the listeners. I just hate that I am rarely in the right mood. It's hard to explain but many pages ago when I replied to everyone it felt natural but now when I read and I think about posting I just feel like I have nothing to say. I feel really bad but this is how it has always been, even with close friends they'll need my help and I'll listen but have nothing to say even when its like I need to say something... I have to just be in that mood, that amazing mood when words come to me perfectly but I have no choice when it comes.

I still read everything, so when that awsome day comes I will be here to show it. ^^ <3

Kouryuu wrote:

Thespian wrote:May I just say I'm amazed at how well all of you are at expressing your feelings and opinions?

There are some truly amazing people in here, both the talkers and the listeners. I just hate that I am rarely in the right mood. It's hard to explain but many pages ago when I replied to everyone it felt natural but now when I read and I think about posting I just feel like I have nothing to say. I feel really bad but this is how it has always been, even with close friends they'll need my help and I'll listen but have nothing to say even when its like I need to say something... I have to just be in that mood, that amazing mood when words come to me perfectly but I have no choice when it comes.

I still read everything, so when that awsome day comes I will be here to show it. ^^ <3

"*reads sig* OH GOD WHAT, THERE'S A THIRD HANAKO ENDING?! YAAAAAAAAY!"