Katawa Shoujo Forums

kindspy wrote:I've been lingering around the forums for some time, mostly just reading about the music composed for the game. And I came upon this thread, and I'm having trouble trying to tell my own story on here. Every time I try to put pen to paper to write an objective view of my life, I keep deleting and rewriting what I want to say. The way that I have always been able to express myself fully has been through music. However, when filled with emotion, I can write poetry and I can write letters. The letters sometimes have a specific addressee, but other times don't have a specific addressee. Here is such a letter.

To Whom It May Concern,

Thank you. Thank you very much. You don’t know how much I appreciate the amount of torment that I have endured in the past thee… five… thirteen years… I have wavered between being happy and being on the verge of suicide, all while trying to put on a big show for everyone to cover up my frustrations, my depression, and at times even my happiness. I have also taken the blame for a lot of things, when I shouldn’t have. I can’t trust anyone of you people any more. I will not let you control me…

It was you who decided helping me was less important than keeping the class average up… It was you who decided to just stick to old ways without trying to help me with my speech delay… It was you who decided to push me against the wall in front of all of your students and my classmates, just because I wanted to be in a group with my friend and not a student from your class…

It was you who misunderstood my puppy love for you as the advances of some monster… or in your words… a stalker… It was you who decided that being in a relationship with a delusional girl was more important than our friendship… It was you who made me feel like an idiot whenever I’d come to you for help, after class, especially when I was almost failing your class… It was you who handed me my diploma, while looking at me with a guilty look…

It was you who lived in my room, and decided to hog my refrigerator… hog my printer… my television… my computer… my space… It was you who I heard… in the middle of the night… with your girlfriend… It was you who thought that I was somehow into your girlfriend and decided to not trust me… It was you who I found crying when you and your girlfriend broke up… you who I hugged and listened to… who I cried along with… who I loved… It was you who decided to just give me a pat on the shoulder when the girl I liked decided that she wasn’t interested in me any more…

It was you… You who I met in the college dining hall, after you so elegantly chose to sit down across from me… you who shared all my interests… all my beliefs… my political ideologies… my unconditional love and understanding of all people… it was you who stole my heart… it was you who kissed me… it was you who was in a relationship with someone else… It was you who made me feel guilty, but said it was okay, because your boyfriend was okay with it… it was you who almost voided my V-Card membership… It was I who accepted you for who you are… a free spirited, barefoot, affectionate, bi-polar, abused, hippie… It was you who decided I wasn’t interesting enough for you… It was you who was on a whole nother planet, and I who barely left the atmosphere… It is you who I see whenever I’m in my room… alone… It is you who I’ve tried to get over for the past year and one day…

It was you who I met in Band… you who I fell for next… you who decided… lets wait… You who decided not to talk to me for a whole… four months… But then it was you who decided that we couldn’t be friends any more…

It is not you but me that is left with the burden… I can’t believe I trusted you… I trusted you to help me when I was down… when I was struggling… when I was confused… when I was lonely… when I was in love… Yet you didn’t… You just decided to hit me while I was down… Guess what… I’m standing back up… and Sooner or later, you’ll be the one who is down, and you’ll be looking for my help… And guess what... I wouldn’t even piss on you if you were on fire, unless I could piss gasoline…

It seems the only people I can trust are myself… my family… and the few people who have been there when I was at my lowest point… To you people, I thank you… and I love you…

Damn dude. Do we share the same mind? That little letter describes my feelings almost too well.

Really? A topic for cathartic discussion of loneliness. Without being called a faggot. Whatever you say, guys...

I've been at college alone in this city for 4 years now, I've yet to make a friend, can barely bring myself to check out at the grocery store, let alone walk down a crowded isle without shaking, and I got put on suicide watch last week. Just about the only human contact I have is the university therapist I see free of charge twice a month, and Bromont's irc channel.

Here's the basic backstory of how I've found myself here. I spent half my childhood abroad, touring with my musician family, homeschooled. Well, tour bus schooled, but it's a similar practice. Something about the surviving with a rock band in foreign countries brought about an egalitarian dynamic, and I wasn't talked down to, or treated like a kid, so even though I never had anyone my own age around, I was never lonely. I got to travel to more places by the age of 12 than most adults have in their lives, I was really grateful. When I eventually got old enough to stay home on my own for the month or so at a time each tour usually lasted, I'd babysit my younger brother(s) so we could afford food instead of having to pay for an extra plane tickets. Things started to go downhill from there, as the excitement of life I was used to incrementally petered out, and childhood awe was replaced by what was basically third parenthood from age 15 onward. It was also about there that I started to hate myself with a passion. It got so bad that it began manifesting itself as a physical pain in my chest as I tensed up; constantly throughout the day, I'd just remember something stupid I said or did, and mentally berate myself without end. I held no value for my own life, and no fear of death, which obviously led to my first suicide attempt at age 16. Pills, after spending 3 days unable to sleep at all. Ended up puking them up and recovering slowly in bed, never telling my parents about it for years.

After that I realized that my death would aversely affect those around me, and the least I could do (literally) was just stay alive, at least until my death wouldn't inconvenience anyone. I knew that teenage suicide was a subjective, stupid thing, so I set the rule for myself that I'd wait until I was 25 so I'd know if I actually did despise life so much, or if it was just situational. But here I am now, a week from my 21st birthday, and I still hate myself just as much as ever, and suicide is just as attractive as it was when I was 16. But I'm still stuck in a limbo. Living only because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else; I'd do anything to be able to erase my existence when living is a negative on its own.

So that's what I've been living with. Just kinda pushing it to the back of my head while I put one foot in front of the other and keep up schoolwork. I've been on half a dozen medications with literally no effect, so all I do is distract myself with nice things and escapism while I work towards an end of some sort. All I do is try to lose myself in books, VNs, anything that stops me from thinking about myself. It's sort of how I got here. I played through 100% of Act 1 within a week of its release, and it was one of very few things to make me forget about all the hatred and anger, etc. It was kind, it was sweet, it brought me some comfort better than any book had in a long time, so I obviously followed the project since then. This past year has been one of the hardest especially, as I go longer without social interaction on my own in a city I dislike, on an academic path that means nothing, and being able to relive some of that comfort from a few years ago was really valuable.

Really all I do now is read, swim laps, and cook. I figure if I spend my time bettering myself, I'll be less deserving of loathing, and people will like me, eventually. Including myself, best case scenario. I really just wish I had one or two people to hang out with. To be able to talk to someone without fear or awkwardness. It's so illogical, since I really do prefer to be alone, but I'm positive that just being able to be around one other person would be enough to ease the life I'm living a bit.

I feel like a 75 page thread of user BAAAAAWWWWW would probably get ignored by most of the population here, but just in case, I need to say thank you to the devs for sticking with KS to the end. It really meant a lot to me to feel that immersion, a wide spectrum of emotion to contrast with my current state. I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed at how much of the Hanako path of exaggerated social fear matched what I've been living with; I only wished it had a bit more closure on how to live like that. Nonetheless, thank you so much for what really was, without hyperbole, the best relief I've felt in years.

Anyway, can I be in the club?

That sounds like textbook clinical depression to me. Listlessness, apathy, pervasive feelings of low self worth and guilt, insomnia, recurrent thoughts of suicide. I know this may seem like a no-brainer to you, but it helps to realize that none of this is your fault. You didn't really give any particular event that sparked these feelings, and it sounds like you just fell into them over time. The exact same thing happened to me. Over the course of a year, I simply began to hate myself. No reason in particular. I would just think back to the tiny mistakes I'd made over the years and mentally beat the shit out of myself for them. I couldn't sleep. It felt like I was always short of breath, like I had a hole in my chest that kept getting bigger. I entertained thoughts of suicide regularly. Video games and other things of the like were my only comfort, because they made me forget about myself. While I played them, I ceased to exist, and so did my depression. I was simply neutral, neither happy nor sad, and so I clung to them like a coma patient on life support.


Then, on a whim, I decided to walk alone to the small library near where I live. A book on mental disorders caught my eye, perhaps because I thought it might have some answers. I saw a heading called "Adolescent Depression," and read the symptoms list. Pervasive sadness. Lack of energy. Thoughts of suicide and death. Lack of desire to eat or do things that are normally enjoyable. Insomnia. Here were all the things I'd experienced over the past year. And as soon as I knew it was a documented, biological problem, my depression literally disappeared on the spot. I walked into the library depressed. I walked out of it, for the first time in so long, without the burdens of self-hatred and doubt.


Recognize that it's a documented, treatable problem and that it isn't your fault at all. That's the only advice I have to give.

@Sleet, ofcourse, HBHC doesn't hold any regular assholes like some people we face IRL frequently -or at least that was what I have observed- and we all try our best to approach the storyteller with top nobility and lenience.

I've read your story, friend. I think one of the most significant minus' of fate is, that you absolutely have no choice about what kind of family nor country you have born into in the beginning. It would definitely better if your parents had chosen a different way to deal with you, like, they should have registered you to a local school for a while, and they should have stayed in one place at least for a small amount of time. Or maybe they should have just changed your school as you toured around.
Actually, I guess it would be much better if only you'd follow from your family's steps there. Because this sounded like the most logical and beneficial choice to me -though, I might be wrong, it's your life afterall- you would've find your own amateur music band and play with temporary buddies as you and your family tours around, also you would've instruct your brothers as well so they would be your constant band partners in the future. Though, I don't know if this case was possible or not for you.
Well, you shouldn't think of suicide, really. I was suicidal just a few years ago as well (some of them might know as well if they still remember my story) , and from what I have learn't from my extremely limited experiences is, suicide is the good option only if you look overhead and see a nuclear missile falling down from the sky over your neighbourhood, lol. And that is highly unlikely, and that is the only condition I could think of. Other than that, suicide is unquestioningly not the best option, in whatever circumstances one might be in. Miracles do happen in life, and one should be freed from his current mindstate anytime.
Also, if you won't find anybody, you should continue living for your brothers anyway, they are your friends as well, despite how annoying they might sound at times. You should also try and widen the number of your pursuits/hobbies as well, you should try drawing, playing a certain instrument (I don't know if whether or not you already do), following certain movie series, etc.. They might help you getting in conversation with various people more easily. Also, you should relax before striking a conversation with somebody.

Sleet wrote:I feel like a 75 page thread of user BAAAAAWWWWW would probably get ignored by most of the population here, but just in case, I need to say thank you to the devs for sticking with KS to the end. It really meant a lot to me to feel that immersion, a wide spectrum of emotion to contrast with my current state. I was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed at how much of the Hanako path of exaggerated social fear matched what I've been living with; I only wished it had a bit more closure on how to live like that. Nonetheless, thank you so much for what really was, without hyperbole, the best relief I've felt in years.

Anyway, can I be in the club?

See, no one should ignore you. Also don't worry, there are people who have written gazillion times longer :p You can log on and write here whenever you want. Also, you should just P.M me whenever you feel lonely. Sorry if my reply was shallow, I feel particularly sleepy right now, for some reason.

And, welcome to Hanako's Broken Heart Club, Mr. Sleet..

Xiious wrote:All of us HBHC gents seem to be terrible with girls irl, honestly.

Speak for yourself, bro. Ladies dig me. It's just I'm drawn to the crazies.

But seriously. Good to have you back, boss.

@New Crowd: Welcome to the HBHC, and chill out for a few. It's a great place to put things into perspective, transmute pain to success and dark times into good days. Thanks for the storytime, and I'd say a bit about most things, but errone else already did me one better. So there you are.



On the topic of suicide: Just don't. If you do, I will find you and beat the hell out of you. But for realsies, it's no good. A buddy of mine offed himelf not too long ago. NICE guy, too, always mindful of everyone to a fault, not many friends but a great dude to hang out with and talk to, but I guess just neglected his own nonsense (most of which I'm really uncomfortable talking about so I'll just not, hahah) and felt like he had no other recourse. Had he stopped a frickin' second to realize how much his loss would've devastated up, he'd have stayed the course and hung out on this planet with us, and ain't a day goes by when I'm not reminded of him and honestly wished he were here.

Don't get me wrong, I've stared down that road, too, and it's a weird place to be, but just remember: loud as those voices in your head might get, you're louder. Stay real, be good, look BAD.

@Sleet: Welcome to HBHC. I read your story. I know all too well how the self-loathing and hatred. Ive also stared down the road of suicide. In fact, if it wasn't for my mothers impeccable timing one night, I wouldn't be here. Point is I recovered from that point in my life. I still have issues with self-loathing. It really started when I was 15, and I am now 26. However, suicide doesn't cross my mind anymore. I realized that while I can recover from depression no matter how bad it gets, I can never recover from being dead. Dont do it, no matter what. IT doesnt matter what age you are, you will hurt more people than you think.

@Everyone Old and New: Post length doesn't matter, post count doesn't matter. Come and make as many lengthy posts as you want. I post here whenever I need to get something out, even if I am not really looking for advice. Sometimes it helps just simply to type it out.

No one here is going to put you down or make fun of you for your problems. And don't think that you cant post because your problems aren't big enough or that your gonna just sound like your whining. A small incident for you may be just as significant as a large incident is for someone else. Everyone has issues and everyone has damage. They are your problems and they effect you. If you feel like you need to talk, or just simply get something out, please don't hesitate to post.

The HBHC has become sentinent ! It's starting to eat other threads, run for your lives !!!
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@Sleet: I've read your post and I do understand how you feel.
Please man, don't give up on life so easily. I know things are really shitty sometimes but you can't give up, okay ?
Post here whenever you feel lonely, everyone here's cool and nobody is ever gonna make fun of you.
Wish I had something more helpful to say...

Xiious wrote:All of us HBHC gents seem to be terrible with girls irl, honestly.

I'm not "terrible" with girls, I just have really bad luck. Whenever I am about to become really close with a girl something happens and everything gets ruined. It's happened countless times.
Hmmm... am I affected by a curse ?

Everyone is welcome in the club, whether you're here to share a story or sit quietly and offer advice to others, or both, or neither. The moment you feel you are part of the club, your life membership has been activated. We're all bros here. Well, I'm pretty sure a female hasn't posted yet. If one has, please forgive me.

Total Destruction wrote:

Xiious wrote:All of us HBHC gents seem to be terrible with girls irl, honestly.

Speak for yourself, bro. Ladies dig me. It's just I'm drawn to the crazies.

But seriously. Good to have you back, boss.

Crazies are hot, to be perfectly honest. The term "crazy" just reminds me of some anime/VN/manga girls I've been following lately. It always seems to be them to grab my heart. Lucky you, having girls "dig" you. I've never had that pleasurable feeling myself.

Also, brofist for that boss comment. lol.

Well I suppose I'm the one with the serious girl problems. Everyone else here seems to have girls figured out. Anyone mind sharing a few secrets? ._.

@Surreal: Curses are bad. Might want to see a shaman about that.

Xiious wrote:
Well I suppose I'm the one with the serious girl problems. Everyone else here seems to have girls figured out. Anyone mind sharing a few secrets? ._.

I just did...

Micijayah wrote:

Xiious wrote:
Well I suppose I'm the one with the serious girl problems. Everyone else here seems to have girls figured out. Anyone mind sharing a few secrets? ._.

I just did...

It was a joke xD

Besides, I'm under some...special....circumstances. I can't talk to girls right now, at least not irl ones.

Surreal-mind wrote:I'm not "terrible" with girls, I just have really bad luck. Whenever I am about to become really close with a girl something happens and everything gets ruined. It's happened countless times.
Hmmm... am I affected by a curse ?

Same with me man, every girls i have asked out, something happens, or i end up screwing it up sometimes. Now i am in a situation where i don't really know any girls.

Micijayah wrote:The other half of a relationship should serve as a compliment to you and not a savior.

Quoted for truth.

ArazelEternal wrote: and I am now 26.

Oh thank fuck, i was beginning to think i was the oldest one here. Maybe it's just the way i look at language but i seriously was getting the impression that almost everyone here were still in their late teens.

The only thing I can think of to say right now about talking to girls is a quote from Two Stupid Dogs.

Big Dog wrote:Kid, if you're going to let a thing like rejection get in your way, then you might as well keep laying there, cause people are just going to walk all over you.

I'd say more, but, as usual, it's 6:20 in the morning and I need to go to sleep...

Pyramid Head wrote:Oh thank fuck, i was beginning to think i was the oldest one here. Maybe it's just the way i look at language but i seriously was getting the impression that almost everyone here were still in their late teens.

Don't worry, I'm twenty-two. Not everybody is young here !! xD