It's Tuesday morning, and I barely keep my eyes open through eating breakfast, because I didn't get much sleep again last night. I thought everything had settled down yesterday, but apparently not. Actually, maybe it did, because this time it wasn't the same roulette wheel of nightmares that kept me awake. Nope, this time I've got a
brand new batch of stuff that's decided to plague my existence.
At least nobody's dying this time. That's progress, I guess.
After I talked to Hanako the other day, I thought I had it nailed down. I thought that I needed to see everything through with Hisao, to make sure that I kept up my end of the deal. But then, when I figured out that Hisao and Hanako had gotten closer while I was avoiding him, which Hisao pretty much confirmed for me, I thought that was pretty much karma for how I'd been acting. Then, the double whammy came when Hisao told me that he
wasn't going to ask me about what was bothering me all those times I thought he was.
If anything, that
should have made things easier, since I wouldn't need to worry about how I thought I was starting to feel about him. I could go back to being the friend I was before things started to get weird, even if I was the one that was making them weird.
Ugh...I MUST be messed up, because now I'm sounding like Rin in my own head.
So, since I still needed to run with him, I knew I had to tell Hisao
why things had been so weird. I'm kinda glad I got it all out in the open, but I didn't know what was gonna happen next. I didn't even know what I
wanted to happen next anymore. Then I thought
that might be good, because it's what I'd been doing for the last seven years. I thought, just maybe, I could go back to taking things one day at a time.
I was wrong. I tried, and I failed. I even know
why I failed, but it didn't help, because I couldn't stop doing the thing that caused me to fail. I couldn't stop myself from looking forward to the future, and I couldn't stop myself from seeing Hisao as a part of it when I did. Yesterday, I realized that I had that future right there in front of me, and I pushed it away because I was scared of it. Now, Hisao was going to be a part of Hanako's future, and not mine.
So, now I need to try and be happy for them, because they're both my friends, and if they're happy with each other then that's good. I mean, just because I can't let go right now, that doesn't mean I won't
ever be able to let go. After all, these things happen. I just need to keep working on my patience. The feelings I have will go away eventually, like the ones Hisao had for Lilly before she left, right?
Right?
Yeah, okay, that doesn't even sound convincing to me.
What's even more pathetic is that I still don't know what kind of feelings he ever had for me. I thought I knew, then I thought I didn't, then I thought I did again, and then I didn't
want to know, and now...gah, I just...don't...
know! I think maybe knowing now might actually make me feel worse about things. Somehow, I need to put the whole thing out of my mind once and for all.
While I'm waiting for that miracle to happen, I'm standing here staring at a pile of empty bento boxes. As long as I'm hoping for miracles, maybe lunch will make itself, too. I shake myself into reality and look at the clock, and I realize that I'm usually out the door by now. That means...
"Well, now, this is a pleasant surprise. I was beginning to wonder if my daughter was some sort of vampire that I could only see at night." Mom comes up behind me, puts an arm around me and kisses me on the top of my head. "Good morning, dear."
I wince, but do my best to smile as I turn around. "Morning, Mom," I say, as cheerfully as I can. "Sorry, but I've just been getting up extra early lately to make lunches."
"Mm-hmm, and to make sure you get to the track before your friend does?" Mother says, with one of
those smiles. "Although I haven't heard you talk about him very often lately. Is something wrong between the two of you?"
"Not...really," I say, and I realize it's kinda the truth. "I just have a few things I'm trying to figure out. I don't really have time to talk about it right now, so could you just drop it?"
Mom adds a raised eyebrow to the knowing look, pushing the annoyance level into the red zone. "All right. I'll give you fair warning, though, that if you come home for dinner, I
will ask you again. You return home at your own peril."
"Fine, consider me sufficiently warned. Can I go now?"
"Be my guest!" Mom says, laughing lightly, and I have to steel myself to keep from slamming the door as I leave. Once I get out to the sidewalk I take a couple of extra-deep breaths to calm myself before making a run for the bus stop. I've already missed the bus I usually take, so I have to wait for the next one. That probably means Hisao will beat me out to the track, which I promised myself I wouldn't let happen again. I don't think he'd be that stupid, but just the idea of it starts me fidgeting.
On the way to Yamaku, my nervousness only increases. Even if nothing goes
wrong, I don't really know what will happen. I know Hisao will notice that I look like crap again, but I wonder if he'll want to talk to me about it or not. Is it sad that part of me hopes he does? Yeah, it probably is, but that's what this whole thing has reduced me to thinking. As I get off the bus and head toward the track, all I can do is shake my head at my own lameness.
When I get in sight of the track, I see that Hisao isn't there yet, either. That calms me down a little, but I also feel a little disappointed. I immediately head for the bleachers and change to my blades, because I do want to be ready when he gets down here. When I'm done with that, I start stretching a little, but there's still no sign of Hisao.
Okay, I am NOT going to get worked up again like I did the other day. I am just going to go over here and sit on the bleachers and wait.
I sit there for a little while, watching people going in and out of the auxiliary building. I watch Hakamichi and Mikado go in, then come out a few minutes later. Through it all, I can't sit still – my legs are moving on their own, both because of the nerves and because I want to run
right now and where the hell is Hisao?
I'm not sure how long I've been here, but it feels like it's long enough for Hisao to officially be late. I figure I'd better give him a call, so I go into my bag and pull out my phone. Of course, the battery's dead.
Great, so maybe he's been trying to call me all this time, too.
Well, there's nothing I can do now but go up there and check on him. First, though, I go into the auxiliary building, because it's possible something happened to him and he's with the nurse. I check the first clock I see, and it's almost forty-five minutes past our usual meeting time.
For his sake, there had better be something non-life-threateningly wrong with him...
I head over to Nurse's office and knock on the door. "Just a moment!" I hear him call, and a few seconds later he pokes his head out. "Oh, Emi, can you wait a few minutes? I'm with another patient."
"Um, it's not Hisao, by any chance?"
He raises an eyebrow. "No, it isn't. He's not with you?"
"He...well..." I start, and then the flood comes. "He didn't show up for our run this morning, so I got worried, and I tried to call him on my cell phone, but the battery was dead, so I thought I'd go up to his room and check on him but I came over here first to see if maybe I only thought he was late but when I saw what time it was I wanted to check with you in case he couldn't get through to me..."
"Whoa! Okay, I got it! No, I haven't heard from Hisao either. This is the first time he's missed a run, isn't it?"
"Yeah, other than right after he collapsed on the track."
"Hmmm...well, then, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go and look in on him. I'm sure you won't mind," he says with a wink.
I wouldn't be so sure...
If anything, Nurse has made me even
more nervous. "Riiiiiight...well, I'll be back later, whenever I get a chance to get my run in. See ya!" I say before taking off at full speed for the dorms. Fortunately, being the Fastest Thing on No Legs means I don't have too much time to dwell on things before I get there. I knock on the door to Hisao's room, but there's no response. Let the dwelling begin again. A few seconds later, I give the door another, louder knocking. This time I can hear someone or something moving around, but it stops after a few seconds. That makes me a little less worried, and a little more annoyed.
Oh, no, you don't, Hisao. Going back to sleep is totally not allowed!
After a third, even louder knock, the door finally opens. I'm about to yell at Hisao, but I can't because the person behind it isn't him. Instead, it's a girl I don't recognize, wearing nothing but underwear and...a sweater-vest.
What the hell...
"Hey," the stranger says weakly, one hand on her head, "you think you could keep it down? We kinda had a rough night in here."
Rough night? What did you do, Hisao?
"Who are you, and what are you doing in Hisao's room?"
The girl pushes her way past me and into the hallway, closing the door behind her. "If you'd stop yelling for a second, I'll tell you." I didn't think I was yelling, but even if I was I don't think I care. She pauses, and when I don't say anything right away, she continues. "See? That wasn't so hard," she says with a mega-dose of sarcasm. I grit my teeth to stop myself from going off on her. "So, here's your answers. Who I am is Noriko Yoshimura, and what I'm doing is trying to sleep off a fucking hangover. Now who the hell are you that needs to know this shit?"
Yoshimura? Seriously, Hisao, what the hell DID you do now?
"I'm Hisao's...running partner. He was supposed to be at the track an hour ago."
She glances down at my legs for a second. "Oh, yeah, Ibarazaki," she says, a little less angry. "I should've known. Listen, Hisao's still asleep, but I was trying to wake him up just now. I'm kinda surprised that you trying to bust the door down didn't do the trick."
"I..." Annoyed tries really hard to come out, but then nervous takes over again after hearing what she said. "Wait a second, did you say 'h-hangover' just now?" I ask, my voice catching. "Just...how much did he have to drink?"
Yoshimura sighs, sounding frustrated. "I don't know, I wasn't counting. Why do you care, anyway?"
"Because that's not good, not with Hisao's..." I stop myself there, because I know Hisao can be a little weird about his arrhythmia, and I don't know what he's told this person. I take a deep breath and do my best to get composed. "Anyway, he should know better than that. If Hisao's still asleep, then I would very much appreciate having the pleasure of being the one to wake him up and remind him of that."
"Whoa, hang on. Look, Fastest Thing, Hisao's in this condition because he was doing a favor for a friend. If you're just going to be a jerk to him, you can forget it."
I take a step toward Yoshimura, and for once I'm not looking at someone's neck when I do it. "If making sure he realizes that doing something like this might kill him is being a jerk, then I'm a jerk. Now let me go in there and make sure that this
didn't kill him."
For a second, I think Yoshimura's eyes are going to burn through my skull, but then she backs up a step. "Fine. In the meantime, be a good little girl and wait out here while I get my clothes, and then Kami...Hisao's friend and I will be out of your way."
"Waaaaait,
Kamisaka's in there, too?"
Stop that, Ibarazaki. Now is no time to be thinking about that stuff.
"Yeah, what, did you think it was just me and Hisao partying in there?" Yoshimura grins...no, wait,
leers at me. "Not that I would have minded that, but..."
"Ugh, whatever, I don't really feel like hearing the details right now. Just get in there and do what you need to do, and I'll take care of Hisao."
Yoshimura opens the door behind her, then winks at me. "Oh, I'll bet you will."
If I had something to throw at her right now, I probably would. Instead, I throw some words. "And before you come out, at least make sure he's alive and breathing normally. You can do that much, right?"
Yoshimura opens her mouth, and I'm fully expecting another sarcastic comeback. Fortunately for her, she thinks better of it. "Yeah, I can. If he's not, I'll come right back out."
That takes out a little of my steam, but not all of it. "Thanks," I say, and back off a step myself as she closes the door. I start to lean back on the door across the hall, but then I realize it belongs to Setou and move a few feet down the wall. I don't want to set off any booby traps or whatever other weird thing he's got in there.
A couple minutes go by before Yoshimura comes back out. Kamisaka's right behind her, his hand on her elbow like I used to see Lilly do with Hisao. "He's all yours, Ibarazaki," she says as they walk past me. "Next time I see him, he'd better be in one piece."
"I'll try my best," I mutter under my breath. "That's just one place I don't have a great track record."
I don't know if she heard me or not, but before she gets to the end of the hall, she turns back. "Um...could you tell Hisao that Ikezawa tried to call him when he was asleep? I, um...I answered his phone by accident."
My face twists into a scowl at that, and I say, "I'll tell him. You realize that if that's true, and Hisao
isn't in one piece when you see him, that it won't be me who broke him."
Yoshimura looks back, not fazed in the least. "Yeah, I know. Just gives me another reason to keep avoiding her. See ya 'round, Ibarazaki."
Kamisaka adds, "Yeah, it was nice almost meeting you again!"
As Yoshimura disappears, I take a deep breath and try to rein in at least part of my anger, both at her and at Hisao. I push the door open the rest of the way and look inside. Despite everything that just happened, it looks like he's still sleeping. As I step into the room, my eyes are drawn to the spot over his desk, which is still empty. I feel a slight twinge of guilt at that, mixed with all the other things about that day.
Forcing myself to stop looking, I turn to see Rin's drawing of me still hanging where Hisao put it. Next to that is what I suppose must be the scroll Rin was going to give him. I've seen Rin do a few other things like it, but usually they're not so...
clean. It really does remind me of the torn poster, and for some reason that makes me feel a lot better.
Then, I look over at Hisao, and feeling better is no longer an option.
Oh, Hisao...not this, too. Just when I thought I could wrap my head around things...it's like you want to make me relive my whole life since the accident.
Okay, I need to block that out of my head, and I'll deal with it once I'm sure he's all right. I stand right beside his bed, and just short of shouting I say, "Hisao! Get up! Morning run!" He doesn't move, and I realize that I might have trusted Yoshimura a little too much. She didn't actually
say he was breathing fine, so I lean over him to check.
This is starting to feel awfully familiar, and not in a good way.
Once I confirm that he's breathing pretty much normally, I straighten up and assume my best pirate stance. "Get up, ye scurvy dog! It's not nice to keep yer captain waitin'!" When he still doesn't move, I decide that it's time for a different plan of attack. I can't startle him too much, but if I start off gently and slowly build things up, it should work. I move down to the bottom of the bed and push up the blankets
juuuuust far enough...
Tickle attack...ENGAGE!
Almost immediately, Hisao starts to twitch...then snicker...then full blown laugh. "Oka-ha-ha-hay! I'm awake! Who's..." He starts to sit up, but immediately falls onto his back again. "OW! Ow, my head. Whoever was doing that, prepare to meet your maker when the room stops spinning..."
Much as I'd love to continue torturing the prisoner right now, that wouldn't be a good idea. Reluctantly, I withdraw my fingers and stand up, putting my hands on my hips. Being equal parts relieved and furious, I strain to keep my voice neutral as I say, "I could say the same to you, Hisao."
"Emi? Oh, crap, what...what time is it? Where's...oh, damn, if I move my head any more right now it will not be pretty."
At that point, furious wins. "Serves you right, you jerk! If you drink too much it could set off your arrhythmia, you know that! Seriously, Hisao, what the hell were you thinking?"
Hisao still seems to be out of it, because his response comes out haltingly. "I felt like...things were falling apart. Needed to...clear my head. Running wasn't doing it, so I decided to try...something different."
Things were falling apart...is he talking about that argument with Hanako? What I heard didn't seem that bad, and he didn't seem that disturbed at the time. Something else is definitely going on. "Well, you're lucky it didn't put you back in the hospital. By all rights, I
should drag you down to the nurse." I grab the covers and try to pull them off, but he's got a hold on the top of them now. "A fine time to start being modest," I grumble. "What the hell was Yoshimura doing in here anyway?"
"She invited herself," Hisao says faintly. He even sounds a little embarrassed by it.
Huh. Okay, time to cool the jets a little bit.
Yeah, I should know better, but like they say, imagination is a funny thing. "All right, Hisao, maybe you should start at the beginning. Invited herself to what?"
After another attempt to get up, followed by some groaning, he answers, "Yoshi got rejected by...the girl he liked, and didn't want to drink by himself. Noriko overheard, and Yoshi talked me into letting her come." He pauses, then continues, "Guess they, um...hit it off, huh?"
"Yeah, I kinda think they did," I say, smiling. "I didn't know you and Yoshimura were so close, Hisao," I add teasingly.
"Don't...ugh, don't start with that, please. I had enough problems with Hanako about that. Noriko and I are friends. That's it, and that's all it will ever be."
"If you say so," I say as I walk around the bed to a place where we can look at each other. As I do, I notice that Hisao's alarm clock is unplugged. I point at it, saying, "Well, at least I know why you didn't get up. Did you unplug that?"
"I don't...think so..."
"So you might have done it without even knowing it." I sigh, disappointed in this whole situation. "This is the kind of thing that happens when you lose control of yourself, Hisao. It starts with little things like this, but then..." I look away from him, because I really don't want him to ask how I know about this kind of thing.
That's been my whole problem lately, too – losing control of myself. I guess it runs in the family.
Before he says anything else, I continue, "Look, Hisao, I don't care what you did or didn't do with Yoshimura. The thing is, you have a bigger problem. Hanako knows Yoshimura was here."
Hisao turns his face toward me, his eyes wide. "What...how?"
"Yoshimura told me Hanako called while you were out of it, and she answered your phone by mistake. I don't know what happened after that." Hisao brings a hand to his eyes to cover them, and he groans again. My anger pretty much spent, I sit down on the bed next to him. "Look, Hisao, you don't have to explain yourself to me, but you're gonna have to explain to Hanako. I wouldn't want to be in your place when you do, but you'd better do it soon if you want to keep things from falling apart any more. You're meeting her for lunch, right?"
Hisao struggles to sit up, eventually making it to a vaguely upright position leaning against the shelves. "Yeah, as far as I know."
"Good. Get showered, take your medicine, and get down there and talk to her. We'll worry about running another time." Even in his current state, Hisao manages to raise an eyebrow at me. I grin back at him, saying, "Hey, even I take a day off now and then, remember? Just don't tell Nurse I said that." Hisao chuckles at that, and I continue, "Meanwhile, I'm gonna go check in on Rin, see if she wants to get that haircut today. Good luck, Hisao.
He smiles weakly at me as he says, "Thanks.
See you tomorrow, then?"
I smile back as I get up off the bed. "Unless you feel like going for a run later! Rin's haircuts don't take too long, so even if we do go into town we shouldn't be gone more than a couple hours. You can give me...oh, never mind, gotta recharge my phone. Just stop by and knock on my door later if you feel like you wanna run."
"Yeah, I might just do that," Hisao says, his voice still sounding a little hazy. "What's your room number?"
Heh, I actually forgot he's never been to my room. At least not physically, or when I'm awake...
"Three-oh-six. And Hisao?" I lean over and put my nose an inch from his. "I'm glad you're okay and all that, but seriously?" I glower at him as intensely as I know how. "Don't. Do this again. Ever."
"G-got it," he says, turning a little pale.
"Good boy!" I say, smiling again as I straighten up and open the door. "See ya, Hisao!" I call back before leaving the building and making a beeline up the path to the girls' dorm. Once I get there, I go up to our hallway and check Rin's door. It's closed
and locked, so she's not even in, at least not right now. Well, there's still a couple hours before lunch, so I throw my bag on my bed, gather up what I need and head for the shower.
After getting dressed, I check her door again, but she's still out, so I guess I'll be eating lunch by myself today, unless Rin's in the art room or something. I head down to the main building, but before looking for Rin I swing by the utility room where Hisao and Hanako usually have lunch. Surprisingly, that's locked, too. I head up to the art room, which
isn't locked, but
is Rin-free. After that, I check the roof, which is also empty.
Yep, definitely eating lunch by myself.
I head down to the not-too-empty cafeteria and grab some juice and some curry bread. Since I didn't run yet, I don't want to fill up any more than I did at breakfast. Just as I'm heading for a table, I'm surprised by the sight of Hisao walking in. I wave to him, and after he grabs some bread of his own he comes over to where I'm sitting. "So where's Rin?" he asks.
I do my best imitation of my missing hallmate and shrug. "She wasn't in her room or the art room. She could be anywhere, really, looking for inspiration or something. What about Hanako? Where's she?"
"When I got to the tea room, it was locked. I went off to get my lunch and ran into Misha on the way here. I guess they found out where Lilly is, and Hanako was planning to go see her. That's probably why she was calling me this morning."
I smile at him, saying, "Yeah, probably. So, think you can deal with eating lunch with me today? You kind of owe me, since you turned down my offer yesterday."
"Yeah, sure," Hisao replies as he sits down across from me.
As we both unwrap our bread, I ask sympathetically, "So, are you feeling any better?"
"A little," he replies. "Still have a headache, though. Not as bad as the first time I had alcohol, at least." Any shred of sympathy I was starting to have just went out the window, and I reach across and give Hisao a nice solid hit with my chopsticks. "Hey!"
"You've done this
before?!" I shout at him, and every head in the cafeteria swivels to look at us. "What the hell, Hisao?" I hiss through my teeth. "Are you
trying to kill yourself? Because I'll be happy to give you a hand if that's the case."
"Yeah, I know, it was stupid," Hisao says, actually looking like he's sorry this time. "It was back before Lilly went to Scotland the first time. We were celebrating Hanako's birthday, and Akira brought over a couple bottles of wine. After what happened then, I was planning on just having a little, but as the night went on I kept thinking about how things had been going lately, and kept having more, until...well, I must have passed out, because the next thing I remember was you waking me up."
Okay, I'm
definitely missing something here. "So, Hisao, what the heck
did happen between you and Hanako yesterday? It must've been something pretty serious. All I really heard was that she was going to go talk to Hakamichi about Lilly. Yeah, Hanako looked kind of upset when she came out, but there must've been more to it than just that."
Hisao puts his chopsticks down and leans back in his chair with a heavy sigh. "Yeah, there was, but it's kind of a long story."
I grin at him. "I'm game. Gives me another chance to work on my patience."
"You sure you don't want to run first?" Hisao says with a slight smile. I raise my chopsticks again and his look quickly turns serious. He leans forward again as he says, "Okay, then. You remember a couple of weeks ago, when I told you I wanted to stop standing still, that I wanted to start moving forward with my life again?"
Damn you, Hisao, for making me think about that day again. I can feel myself starting to blush, and I take a sip out of my juice box to try and cover it. "Yeah, I remember. I asked if you were ready to take life as it comes and not let it just go by around you."
Hisao smiles, but otherwise still has a serious look on his face. "I said I was, and I meant it. Ever since then, that's what I've been trying to do, but it seems like every time I get started, something gets in my way." He looks directly at me as he says, "For instance, there was a person who kept avoiding me, even though I wanted to spend more time with her."
I look down, keeping the juice box up in front of my face. "I know, Hisao. I'm really, really sorry about that. I told you yesterday, that was a real screw-up on my part. I'll even say it again if I have to."
"No, you don't have to. I'm just glad you finally told me what you were doing, and why you were doing it. That gives me the chance to accept your apology. That's something I'm also trying to do – apologize to the people who deserve it. I've already apologized to Lilly for my part in what happened between us, and I also want to apologize to you for not following through on the promise to spend time with you over break. So, I'm sorry for that."
"Hisao, you don't have to..."
"Yes, I do. Maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did if I'd kept that promise from day one."
No, it would have turned out exactly the same way. I still would have found a way to run away.
"But now we're kind of off the subject," he continues. "One thing I'm still trying to come to terms with is people worrying about me. Heh, I guess I'm kind of like you that way. It's funny, too, because you've never been anything but honest about being worried about me. Come to think of it, neither was Lilly." Hisao sighs, half-heartedly taking a bite of his bread. "I just wish Hanako had been the same."
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the day before yesterday, when she talked to you about continuing to run with me?"
I nod. "I won't forget that conversation any time soon."
"Yeah, and that's the problem. I'd just said something to her at lunch about how you might be right, that maybe we shouldn't run together anymore if it was causing that much of a problem. She told me not to give up, and I said I wasn't, just that I wanted to make sure I had something planned if it came to it. The next thing I know, you're telling me how worried she was, and how adamant she was about us continuing to run together. It kind of felt like she didn't trust me to do it on my own."
I half-smile at him. "Well, she's not wrong.
I don't trust you to do it on your own either."
"Yeah, but the difference is that at least you'll tell me that to my face. She didn't; she went behind my back instead. If you hadn't told me, I never would have known."
That strikes a little close to home for me. If Hisao knew all the things I haven't told him, he'd have a fit.
Except you haven't told anyone else about them, either. You've never even told Rin about the accident.
"Hisao," I start hesitantly, "there are a lot of people out there who...have a hard time trusting other people. I'm not good at that kind of thing. I don't think Hanako is either. Sometimes they just need time, and someone who...who'll be...patient enough with them, to help them learn." I lift my head and look Hisao in the eye before finishing, "That's the kind of person you are, Hisao. That's why..."
...that's why I love you...
"...that's why Hanako loves you."
"Yeah," Hisao says with a heavy sigh, "that's probably about right." After that, he goes quiet, taking the occasional bite of his bread or sip of his juice. As for me, I just don't know what else to say to him right now. I finish up my own lunch, a little slower than I usually do, when suddenly Hisao pushes his tray forward and looks right at me. "You know what? I think I
am up for a run. Let's go." Hisao picks up his bag and goes to empty his trash.
I blink a couple of times as my mind goes into full-on scramble mode. "Um...sure! You don't have to ask me twice!" Somehow, I manage to put a grin on my face as I pick up my own tray and follow him. "I'll go up to my room and change. Meet you down there in about fifteen minutes?"
"Sounds good."
"Okay, then, see ya!" I take off with a wave, trying my best to keep myself from starting to run in the hall. Something still feels off about Hisao, but I can't quite figure out what it is. What I do know is that I'm not about to turn down that kind of invitation. Once I get to our hallway, I give Rin's door one last check before going into my room and changing clothes and legs. Given the time of day, I hit the vending machines for a couple of bottles of water before heading down to the track.
When I get over the top of the hill, I see Hisao is already down there. I jog down to meet him, and when he hears me he turns around, smiling. "Hey, Hisao!" I call out. Once I get down there and we start stretching out, I say, "You'd better take it easy out there today, Hisao. You're not used to running in the middle of the day, and the heat and humidity can be pretty brutal this time of year."
"Don't worry, I will," he says, a little more lightly than I'd like.
I frown at him and narrow my eyes, saying, "I'm serious, Hisao. Even I wouldn't go all out on a day like this, so I'll at least be cutting my sprinting short. If you start to feel tired, just start cooling down right then. There's water in my bag if you need it, too."
"Okay, okay!" Hisao says, raising his hands in surrender. "I get the picture!"
"That's more like it!" I say with a grin. "In that case, I'm ready to get out there when you are!"
Hisao stretches out one last time before leading the way out to the track. Before long, we take up our usual positions, and in the face of the heat I set a pace that's a bit slower than what we've been doing. During the first lap, Hisao nearly overtakes me a couple of times before catching himself and settling into the slower pace. As we go about our slightly-modified routine, I can't shake the feeling that something is off today beyond the obvious. It's not something I'm picking up in Hisao's form, since he's pretty much the same as always. I just...get a weird feeling from him that I can't explain.
Other than the pace, the first four laps go pretty much normally, so I go ahead and start my sprints. Just as I said I would, I dial back on those, too, which gives me a better chance to watch Hisao. A couple of times, our eyes meet, and the odd feeling I get from him deepens.
It's not just him, either. I think it's me, too. I feel like...are these your butterflies, Rin?
If they are...can you...take them back?
I notice that Hisao is picking up the pace a little, too, which isn't good. Immediately, I slow down and pace him again. "Hey, Hisao," I say as I come alongside him, "that's enough for today! Let's not overdo things, okay?"
Hisao slows down as soon as I say that, putting his hands behind his head to start cooling down, and I follow suit. "Yeah, you're right. I should've been more careful, but, well, I was feeling pretty good for the first time today. Maybe this was the right way to clear my head after all. Like you said, doing it the other way was letting myself get out of control. That's the exact opposite of what I've been trying to do lately. I'm sorry."
I wave my hand to dismiss that and smile. "Stop apologizing already! Like I
also said, just don't do it again."
"I know. It's just that...I guess I feel like I need to do something to make up for it."
I look at him sideways and ask, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I do still want to keep that promise I made you to spend more time with you. There's not a lot of break left. I thought maybe we could go into the city and do something like we talked about."
Hisao, why did you have to do this now? I can't handle it, not after what happened this morning. Besides, what about Hanako?
"Listen, Hisao, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but don't worry about it. What's happened has happened. You don't need to keep that promise. You
do need to deal with Hanako, and make sure everything with her is squared away. Once you do that, then maybe we can go into town for that replacement poster – if you even still want it. That scroll Rin did for you is pretty good, after all."
Hisao's face twists up as he replies, "Can we not talk about Hanako? Don't you see, this isn't
about her?"
Yes, it is, Hisao. You're just doing this because you had that fight with her. I can't do that to her, damn it.
"No, Hisao, I can't do that. I'm not going to let you push her away over a little misunderstanding. I did that to you once, and it hurt us both. I can't let that happen to her, or to you. So," I close my eyes, because once again I can't look at him, "It's better if we just stop talking about this, okay?"
"But that's not..."
"Just...stop!" I shout, holding back the tears as I open my eyes again. "Hisao, if this is how it is, then I think I need to leave. Just...do what you need to do, and...take care of yourself, okay?" Without waiting for a response, I run at top speed away from the track. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear him calling me, but I need to be somewhere else. I don't know where exactly, but...
not there.
Damn it, Hisao, stop trying to make me think I know how you feel again. I don't want to keep spinning on that merry-go-round anymore. I can't keep fooling myself that it was if, because it's already when.
I keep running for a while, and when I finally slow down, I find myself in the woods behind the school. It's as good a place as any, I suppose. I've spent enough time here with Rin that I know the place well enough. I really don't want to go back to the dorms to change to my walking legs, but as long as I'm careful, I should be okay.
I wander around for a while until I spot Rin sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree. I knew this area looked familiar – without thinking, I wandered right to what she calls her "worry tree." I suppose that's appropriate, under the circumstances. I wonder if she's been here all morning. I stand there trying not to look at her, because I know she doesn't like to be disturbed when she's thinking – or sleeping, for that matter – but I kinda feel like I want to talk to her. Even if I don't get what she's saying, at least it'll feel familiar. Kind of a weird thing to appreciate, I guess, but I do.
A few minutes go by, and I'm thinking about leaving, when her voice Rins out, "Are you worried about something, too?"
It only surprises me a little. I've learned very well that Rin could be asleep or awake anywhere, at any time. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," I reply. I sit down on the ground next to Rin, my back against the tree, and lay my head on my arms. "What are you worried about, Rin?"
"Changing."
"Into what?"
"That's what I'm worried about. I wanted to try and change, because I thought it might help me decide whether or not to do what the teacher wants me to do. So I did something I never did before – I painted something for somebody else. At first, I thought it didn't work, because I didn't feel any different, but then I realized that I
was different, just not in the way I thought I would be." I feel Rin lean even further back into the tree, like she wants it to swallow her up. "Change is the scariest thing in the world to me. I think this is why – because you don't know what things will be afterwards. Not even yourself."
"You know, Rin, I don't think that's just you. What I'm worried about is pretty much the same thing."
"Is the track captain asking you to do something that you're not sure you want to do?"
I sigh, knowing that a difficult task lies ahead. I really do want to get this off my chest, and even if Rin doesn't say anything helpful, she's pretty good at listening. "It's not that specific. I just meant the whole change thing you were talking about. I kinda feel like I'm changing, too, and it scares me a little. I feel like...like I can't be who I used to be, no matter how much I want to. Except...I don't really want to, it's more like I
need to, but I can't."
"Were you trying to change?"
I sigh again. "I'm not even sure of that anymore." I pause for a second, then just start talking. "Rin, do you remember that time we talked about friendship? About the difference between that and being boyfriend and girlfriend, and maybe even being more than that? You told me you didn't know what more was, and I couldn't explain it to you, either."
"Hmmm...I'm not sure I can confirm that this conversation happened. But I think that if I said that I didn't know that, I was probably telling the truth."
"Well, I think I might have figured it out, at least a little."
There's silence for a few seconds, then she finally says, "Okay. I think that's good."
I wait to see if she'll say anything else, but she doesn't. "I think...it's like, you want something more than anything else you've ever wanted before, and you want that thing close to you all the time. And then, if it's not there, then you feel like there's this big black space inside you, and it makes you feel sick."
"Hmmm...like sleeping."
"Huh?"
"I think I've felt like that when I don't sleep for a long time. Or painting, maybe."
"Yeah, that...kinda makes sense. You probably feel that way about painting. So, I guess my problem is that I can't...um...paint anymore, because I threw away all my art supplies."
I can't see Rin's face, but she sounds horrified when she says, "Why would you do that?"
I wish I knew the answer to that, Rin. I really do. I suppose I could just state the obvious. "Because I'm the stupidest person that ever walked the face of the earth."
There's silence for a second, but then Rin rolls over and looks me in the face curiously. She tilts her head and looks at me sideways, then does the same thing in the other direction. Then she takes
my face and tilts
it sideways. Finally, she rolls back to where she was and says, "No, I don't think there's a perspective where that's true."
I sigh, exasperated, but then I realized that I said it wrong. "Okay, so maybe I didn't actually throw them away. I was...letting someone else use them for a while, and now I can't get them back."
"Are they green?"
I blink a couple of times at Rin. "Huh?"
"Your art supplies that someone else has now. They're green, right?"
"Does that...make a difference?"
"Definitely. If the art supplies that someone else has are the green ones you were using before, then you need to get them back and start working with them again. It's the only way you can be blue instead of pink."
Blue...instead of...pink? And...green? She's...talking about that poster, isn't she? How does she know about blue being my favorite...no, of course she'd know something like that. Did I just...understand something Rin said? "Yeah, I...do want to be able to work with the...um...green art supplies. The problem is that...I think they might have already turned...um...purple?"
"Hmm...that would definitely be a problem. You should probably make sure, then," Rin says emphatically.
I start to reply, when I realize that she's right. I've been so caught up in my own stupidity that I compounded some more stupidity on top of it. I may not know how Hisao feels about me, but I don't actually know what's going on between Hisao and Hanako, either. It's like the day we were hanging posters all over again, when I was too scared to take yes for an answer. Today, I couldn't even take
maybe for an answer. I may not want Hanako to be hurt, but if I keep pushing him at her, and there's nothing there, then that will just hurt her differently.
I have to KNOW.
"You know what, Rin?" I say, sitting straight up. "You're absolutely right. I need to find out if...um...well, whether the green art supplies are...oh, forget it, I just need to talk to Hisao. It probably won't change anything, but at least I'll know for sure, right? First thing tomorrow, after our run, that's what I'm going to do." I look over at Rin...good, her legs are pointed away from me, so I give her a quick hug from the side. "Thanks, Rin!" I say, getting up and quickly dodging out of range, then more slowly making my way out of the woods.
As I walk toward the dorm, I see a girl I don't know walking toward me. I've seen her before, though – she's one of the people who came to all the track meets, and was always in the crowd around me after I won. As she does, I notice the telling hitch in her step which tells me she has a prosthetic right leg. Yeah, I'm probably her "inspiration" or something. Normally I wouldn't let one of my "fans" see me like this, but I just don't care right now.
"M-Miss Ibarazaki?" she says hesitantly. "Are you, um, are you all right?"
The fact that she walked right up to me and started talking catches me by surprise. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm sorry, um..."
"Hamaguchi. Takako Hamaguchi. I'm...well, I'm kind of a fan of yours."
I smile weakly at her. "I know, I've seen you a few times around the track. So, did you want my autograph or something?"
"No...well, yes, but...that's not why I came over to you. You just looked so sad, and I was wondering if there was anything I can do to help."
"Not unless you can go back in time and stop me from being stupid."
"I'm...sorry?"
"Nah, never mind. I'd do something else stupid anyway."
"Um...is this about the boy you were kissing?"
"Heh, so you heard about that, huh? Yeah, I figured the rumor mill would get that around to everyone eventually. Look, I know you want to help, but don't worry about it. I probably blew my chance with him anyway, and I'm pretty sure he likes someone else now." I look at Hamaguchi, and I can tell she's disappointed. I just don't know if it's because she can't help, or because she got too close a look at her idol. "Look, Hamaguchi, if you've got a pen and paper, I'll sign it, but right now I just want to get back to my room and take a shower."
"Oh, of course, Miss Ibarazaki," she says, and she starts fumbling around in her bag. After a few seconds, she pulls out a note pad and a marker and hands it to me. I write my name on it, with as much flourish as I can manage, and hand it back to her. "Thank you very much," she says with a deep bow. When she rises, there's a broad grin on her face. "Don't worry, Miss Ibarazaki! I will do my best to help with your problem, too!" She turns away and runs off excitedly, her long ponytail swaying behind her.
Waaaaait...what does she mean she'll do her best to help...oh, crap!
I suddenly get a bad feeling about this meeting. Well, after how much I've screwed up lately, I guess I earned whatever comes out of it.
All right, universe! Do your worst! I can take it!
~~~~
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