*drinks apple juice* I'm not to fond of wine but I thought I'd look cool drinking something with a serious face.
Well, its time to show some scars, I'd poison my mental health if I keep this to myself for too long, *sigh* Here goes nothing. Hope there weren't any errors or any misunderstandings.
Note: My memory is fuzzy about the past.
Being bullied as early as kindergarden and ending in late highschool, My social skills aren't very good as I cling to the few friends I have, Didn't help that I was became bully during grade school, slacked off if it weren't for a tutor that my parents paid, I'd never even get past college. Also didn't help that I was a spoiled asshole who regularly lashes out from any attempts at discipline from my parents which I didn't understand till I slowly began to realize that did that because they were worried about me and I even attempted to ran way from home thinking that I'd failed my final exams(thankfully my grandma stopped me, great choice)
In short summary, I was a spoiled,immature, and lonely kid at this stage.
In high school I unfortunately carried this spoiled kid personality and continued slacking in studies, being rude and just being an asshole to my parents, being carefree and content that I have all the time in the world to have fun till my father put end to that when my slacking and jerkassry got too high, alas I never did confide with my parents about my issues, I'd rather shoulder my burdens. In class, I became a loner, unable to make any good friendships except with a few classmates who share a same interest with anime and games stuff and I also became an attention whore by getting a cutter and putting it in my wrist infront of my seatmates, (geez, I was also suicidal). On the plus side, I finally connected with God and the bible, establishing my morals and principles(although I did not change my attitude). and it persisted today although it is not as bad as in grade school but I'm still a slacker but I no longer had to depend on my parents to do chores but I'm a jerkass(and a complainer to boot) sometimes when they ask my to do some chores.
Aside from my class life and home life, I joined a fansite about a Japanese Role-Playing Game, At first finding out about the game but soon I became I regular, for the first few times I was having fun with the other users, roleplaying, discussing about topics about the game and other interests and hobbies,even dicussed my troubles I made some chatbuddies from the fansite and even had an online girlfriend who seemed to be a girlfriend to 2 of my chatbuddies...(Some things are too good to last)
Which my "girlfriend" is unfortunately a faker, who made a sock puppet elder brother, even faking a life-threatening sickness which made the whole fansite praying for her damn it! I even took my time to talk to her at midnight! She even gave some words of encouragement for some of my problems. At least she had the decadency to apologize for all her lies and decided in my heart and religious beliefs to forgive her lies despite my heart broken in two.
As a result, my friendly relationship with the members of the fansite deteriorated as a result by complaining about my current issues which although I acquired needed advice, Slowly I forgot about them and by the time I noticed the error of my ways, it was to late to save the blooming friendship as it had withered and died.
Adding that and the fact I never made any close relationships, never told my family about my inner problems or even doing a damn to improve myself and if it weren't for the Divine God, I'd probably been driven mad and acccepted a quick death as I became a spoiled, lonely, overdependent jerkass idiot who only has this as his redeeming point....
I dream of making a difference, to make people happy using my interests in making a great video game or an inspiring anime or manga, I didn't care how, I want to make that dream a reality and also.... I want to change, I want to become a better person for my family, for my friends, for anyone who accept me for who I am, but since the bad traits within me overwhelm in good in me, I desire change but... I could not forgive myself, In fact, I hate my myself.
I hate the fact that this is my whole, despite having concern for my family and my friends. I shut myself and keep to myself,
distancing myself which contradicts my deep concern for my family but I became over-dependent on others, preferring despite the fact I want to help out, to be a lazy ass and continue avoiding my problems by playing video games, surfing the net or any of my pasttimes.
In short, God gave me all the opportunities to change and I screwed all of them despite my hunger to change for the better, good thing God has all the plans in the world to change me for the better and is quite stubborn to do so.
Also... I respect ahem... girls. I may be a prevert but I have standards and if I ever had a wife in the future, I'd prefer to use the Power of True Love and to make her happy(Like acknowledging each other as equals and confronting any conflicts) and also raise my kids to become a better human being(HAH, Like that would ever happen, just like my dreams). Heck, If I ever making a badass video game, anime or manga which uses the power of love and friendship and the essentials of the bible, I'd find out that fairytail creatures and mythological beasts exists in the world.
Despite bearing the negatives and hating myself, I swore to move forward despite that, improving and working hard to changing myself for the very good. I couldn't think of suicide, too boring and the fact the world has the greatest and most beautiful things, despite also having the most terrible of things and the fact that the Divine God never fail to smash my negative mindset every once in a while gives me the strength to move on, heck I even discovered my love for hammy voice acting and even decided to ham up whenever a speech writing contest is on
. and even though I lost my friendship, I desire to forge a new one, a true friendship.
and that ends my story. I thank anyone who gets to read to dreck, feel free to delete it.
Thank you and sorry if you couldn't understand some parts of this. ^^;
