“H-hey, Misha.”
No response. Maybe I wasn’t loud enough. I outstretch my arm to try and get her attention with a tap on the shoulder, but I quickly find myself withdrawing it as she turns around.
“Sorry Hanachan~! Had to finish talking with Shizune. Is there something you wanted~?”
Darn it, she’s looking straight at me. Now I can’t put my hand up in front of my bad half without making it apparent. Just speak, Hanako. Just talk.
“O-oh. I was wondering… if you had any p-plans for this afternoon.”
I’m kind of making this sound like a date. That’s not good. And now she’s signing it so Shizune can see. Please stop, Misha…
“I-I mean, if you’d be interested in having tea sometime…”
“Oohhhh~, you mean since Lilly’s away-”
I feel my teeth grit, and my eyes instinctually narrow and divert away from her. Misha notices and stops speaking; to accommodate me, no doubt.
“Oh, sorry! I, uh… Sure, I wouldn’t mind! How about right before supper? My place. Does that sound good?”
I nod stiffly. She gets the message.
“Alright, let me write down the directions, and I’ll see you there~!”
She sets to work writing on a small note, then pushes it towards me and leaves it. I see her return to conversing with Shizune, and I shuffle back to my seat.
I can’t help but think that the cheeriness of that goodbye was little too forced. Like she’s trying too hard to appear happy to me.
I feel like that should come as no surprise. But I wonder why. Does she think I’m still upset about Lilly not being here? Or does Misha think that she’s my Plan B?
…I guess she is, in a sense. I don’t think anyone could replace Lilly for me. But I still don’t like to think of Misha like that. She’s been nothing but friendly to me. The only problems lie with myself, and how I react. It’s not like she’s the one who makes me break down, or the one who makes me shy away from every person I see. That’s all on me.
Well, at least I’m on my way to getting to know her better. She’s definitely nicer than Shizune. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to get close to Shizune, with the way she… handles everyone she meets.
Maybe it’s time that I end this train of thought for now. I can come back to it later when it’s just me and Misha.
Just me and Misha…
The thought hits me like a punch in the face. Why did I agree to this? She’s all smiles and volume, and I’m the opposite of that.
I mean, I know the answer. I know why. It’s to help with my therapy. Or maybe it’s to help me… But I leapt before I looked. Out of the frying pan…
I need to distract myself, and fast. I don’t want to end up facing another nervous breakdown. No, no, no, not right now.
I reach for my book, and begin flipping to the bookmarked page-
When the bell rings. I must have spent a long time -longer than I thought- just sitting in silence and moping.
I must have looked pathetic.
Whatever; it’s time to move on. I seal my book and begin packing hastily, to try and accommodate for my late start. Normally I’d be out the door before that bell even rang.
Well, I guess “normally” would have been before him…
“Hey, Hanako.”
Speak of the devil.
I tidy up the last of my things and then turn my attention to the source of the voice.
“H-Hisao…”
“I saw you talking to Misha back there, a short while before class ended. Just wondering what that was about.”
“I decided that I w-wanted to spent time with Misha this afternoon.”
“So I imagine you don’t want me to be there?”
Good, he understands. I was afraid I would have to break it to him.
“Y-yes. I want to do this by myself.”
“Okay, it’s cool. We can hang out whenever. I guess I’ll just… find something to do.”
He departs, and I’m hit with a pang of guilt soon after. He sounded fine, sure, but I feel like I just rejected him.
Well, what’s done is done. I guess I’d better get going.
The rest of today’s classes pass uneventfully, a very good thing. Before I know it, I’m on my way back to the comfort of my dorm room.
Dodging strangers and their glances proves rather easy. Or maybe it’s just less stressful, which makes me I feel like I’ve accomplished more.
I wonder if that’s because of Misha. Talking with her -someone new, someone I was previously afraid of- actually kind of felt invigorating.
Before I know it, I’m going through the same motions. Open the door, step inside, set down my belongings, close the door, lock it, and fall down onto my bed. Today’s been an exhausting day, but it’s not over.
My mind wanders as I rest my eyes. I find it darting between thoughts of Misha and this coming afternoon. I really shouldn’t be this concerned with her… But I feel like I could actually be making a new friend. After all, I know three people right now. Lilly, Akira, and Hisao. Someone as extroverted as Misha probably has several times that number.
Minutes go by like seconds, and I soon find myself redressing in preparation for our little “date”. My usual not-at-school attire will have to do.
Now that I think about it, I really don’t want this visit to be a burden to her… I think I’ll bring some tea and food with me, hopefully enough for both of us.
Fully prepared to go, I set out toward Misha’s room. The directions prove to be no trouble, as my first quiet knocks are answered by none other than her own gleaming expression.
“Wahaha! Hiya, Hanachan!”
Please, Misha. I don’t need you announcing to the whole building that I’m here.
“Come on in! Don’t be shy~”
I oblige, making as little noise as possible to compensate for Misha’s unnecessary loudness. I’ll never know how she can stand being so boisterous all the time.
As her room comes into view, it turns out to be pretty much what I expected out of her. Bright. Pink everywhere. The walls, the carpeting, the bed. Sometimes different shades and hues in sequence. It’s uncomfortable to be around… but at least it looks sanitary.
I place my things on the floor and take a seat beside them. I guess I’m not really sure what to do now.
“Oh, nooo, Hanachan. You don’t have to sit on the floor~. You can have the bed; it’s nice and comfy!”
Her voice reaches my ears, and my first instinct is to grimace. She’s bending over backwards for my sake, isn’t she? Does she think I can’t handle the floor?
I shake free my doubts. No, she’s just being a gracious host. That’s all. I don’t need to think of everything this way.
She takes the floor and I sit down on her bed, lightly enough to avoid messing with the fabric.
I quickly find myself sitting in silence, and Misha’s peppy demeanor has all but left her. Each of us is looking around, and while I’d expect her to be the one to establish eye contact, she doesn’t. As much as I like the quiet, and as much as I appreciate her not staring at me, this is getting kind of awkward.
“Um… I brought food… If you don’t mind…”
Misha shuts her eyes and smiles, tilting her head to the side.
“Sure. That sounds great.”
I begin unpacking the tea set and electric kettle, when I’m hit with a dilemma.
“…Do you… have a table we could use?”
“Yeah, I’ve got an un-foldable one, but…”
I think my silence adequately conveys my thoughts. ‘But what?’
“You’d have to sit on the floor, Hanachan.”
Oh, is that it?
“S-sure. That’s not a problem.”
She sets up the table, and then I begin pulling my own weight.
Before I know it, the tea is already boiling and the sandwiches are already set out. This might have been faster than I’ve ever done it before. I wonder why. Was I propelled by the fear that I’d have to talk to Misha if I didn’t? Or was it something else?
“Wow, Hanachan, this is some fancy stuff. Are these sandwiches homemade?”
“F-fancy?”
What’s she getting at?
“Yeah! Want to know what me and Shizune are used to having?”
The grins from ear to ear instead of waiting for a reply.
“Cheap Chinese food and soda!”
She says this with a little boom in her voice, but it’s not nearly as loud as she was today in class.
We continue on, enjoying our food, when Misha decides to spring a topic for conversation.
“So, how have all your friends been doing? Like Lilly and… whatsherface, her sister who’s off with her in Ireland.”
“Scotland…”
Wait, did I just say that? If I were anywhere else right now, I’d be mortified by thought of speaking out of line, but… Here with Misha, I’m feeling almost right at home.
“Right, Scotland. Anyway, have you been keeping up with the two of them? Shizune wants to know when her worst enemy will be back. ”
“Worst… enemy?”
“You know, how your best friend and my best friend are arch-rivals. Battle to the death!”
Misha lowers her voice as she lets out her war cry. It’s incredibly cheesy and it almost makes me cringe with how bad it is, but I find myself laughing instead, ever so slightly at her goofing off.
“If you’re wondering, Hanachan, I don’t really think either of them hates the other. Still, everyone doing alright?”
“W-well, we haven’t spoken recently, but Hisao did, and he said everything’s all right on their end.”
I probably gave away more of the story than I wanted to right there. It’s true that I didn’t call Lilly. That’s because I locked myself in my room, sobbing into my pillow for several days.
Okay, this is no time to think about that. Just… keep up the conversation. The pain will go away. I’ve got Misha here, right?
“Oh, so speaking of Hisao, you two still get along?”
Get along? What is she getting at?
“Um, y-yeah.”
“Alright, that’s good to know~.”
I sense a little bit of flair in that comment which makes me wonder what she really knows. Does she know how me and Hisao are now? Is she just respecting my privacy?
Now that I think about it, why did I even notice that bit of flair? Normally, that kind of thing would be second nature for her when speaking. But since we’ve settled down here, maybe she’s been more… quiet than usual.
“H-hey, Misha.”
“Hmm?”
“Are you…? Does it…?”
Wow, this is a really weird question to ask.
“Why have you b-been so quiet lately?”
Misha shuts her eyes, seemingly losing herself in thought.
This goes on for a while, but I don’t dare to disturb her. Thankfully, I am rewarded when she emerges from her meditation with an answer.
“Well, right now I’m not Misha. I’m just Shiina.”
Shiina… That’s right. Shiina Mikado.
“Hanachan, let me be blunt, just this once.”
She looks at me straight in the eyes, but I feel… less inclined to look away. It feels like she’s actually looking at me, not my face… or my scars.
“When I see you, I see someone who is always honest with herself and the people close to her. People know you and they know your troubles, a’ight~?”
She pauses and takes a deep breath.
“I’m not that way. Every morning I put gel in my hair and I put on a cheap mask that says that everything is wonderful all the time.”
I try to reach out to her in the most comforting way I can.
“Misha…”
But I don’t know what else to say. So she begins to speak once more.
“Shizune… is my only real f-friend. But she’s also more than that. I don’t know if I can explain that to you, but… she means a lot to me.”
“Misha, please, you don’t have to…”
“Hanachan, you’re true to yourself, and that’s more than I’ve ever been~. I’ve always chosen to never let anyone know the real, lonely me. I’d sometimes wonder, if the world would be better off without me~.”
Are you serious, Misha? Someone like you, acting like this? Acting… like me?
While this sudden metamorphosis has caught me off guard, and I’m still nearly recoiling from her choice words, I find it in me to ask one simple thing.
“Why are you telling me this?”
Of all things, this is the one to make her look away from me.
“It’s like I said, Hanako. I don’t have any other friends.”
“Are you saying…? You want to be friends with me?”
She makes a short glance my way, and for a moment I think I see tears in her eyes, refracting the dim sunlight.
“If it’s alright with you…”
“O-of course it is.”
She stands upright, and I do too. And before I know it, she’s maneuvering around the table, and then she’s fallen into my arms.
I’ve always known who Misha was, and there were always barriers of some sort preventing us from getting to know eachother, but that’s all there was to it: I knew who she was.
I feel that I’m getting to know her now, and what’s more: I feel like this is something I could live with.
Not Misha crying though. I don’t think I could live very easily with that.
“M-Misha?”
…It feels like a full minute before she responds.
“Y-yeah?”
“You know, y-you told me about yourself, so I want to tell you about me a little.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out a round little electronic device. It’s hard to believe that this is why I’m here right now. With my experiences, getting to understand Misha and all, I had nearly forgotten that it existed.
“I… I see a therapist.”
I half-expect her to do something, say something, or somehow react… in a way that would tell me that she sees me differently. Like an undesirable. Or a broken human being. But no such thing happens.
“I got this… I’m supposed to press it whenever I talk with someone.”
Somehow, I can evoke the exact words as I go along. It’s as if each of them is a step on a stairway that magically rises up to meet my foot, taking me higher and higher.
“But it can’t just be something small. It has to be when… and only when… I put in an effort to speak and have an actual, normal, productive conversation. I also can only press it once per person. I just got it yesterday…”
“Do you think what we had back there counts? Hanachan?”
“That’s why I’m… getting it out.”
I’m not sure what the greater victory is.
That she was able to befriend me.
Or that I was able to befriend her.
I press my thumb to the button, and it gives way with a little pressure. The device beeps.
