Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[WorldlyWiseman]

I wasted my entire adolescence being not only socially inept, but making endless excuses for that ineptitude.
The one relationship I had in high school ended when she attempted suicide for reasons largely unrelated to me. I certainly didn't help, with my selfish behavior, but she'd had a very troubled past and absolutely no one reached out to her in time. She survived and a decade later we talked it over. Our lives are far apart from one another now. I am glad she is at some kind of peace now.
My education has been smothered under the weight of working full-time, and I suspect had been sabotaged from the start by my stubborn refusal to accept any kind of loan and a lack of any ambition besides keeping up the appearance of being intelligent. Education is worthless without a future to build towards.
Since high school, the few friends I had have drifted away and I have been unable to form any meaningful relationships (friend or otherwise) since then.
The only things that came close were a girlfriend in an MMO who used me as a vacation from a boyfriend who was asking her to take responsibility, and a married woman a decade my senior who used me as an exciting diversion from her absent military husband. Neither lasted long.
If I was able to choose how the entire span of my life would go, I would be reincarnated as a new person each day, born in the morning and dead at 100 years of life by nightfall, only to be born again the next morning.
I am twenty-five years old and the only non-family women I've emotionally connected to are a bunch of imaginary disabled girls. I didn't even download this to use as porn, I was just curious about the portrayals.

What the hell.

[Wanderingheartache]

I wasted my entire adolescence being not only socially inept, but making endless excuses for that ineptitude.
The one relationship I had in high school ended when she attempted suicide for reasons largely unrelated to me. I certainly didn't help, with my selfish behavior, but she'd had a very troubled past and absolutely no one reached out to her in time. She survived and a decade later we talked it over. Our lives are far apart from one another now. I am glad she is at some kind of peace now.
My education has been smothered under the weight of working full-time, and I suspect had been sabotaged from the start by my stubborn refusal to accept any kind of loan and a lack of any ambition besides keeping up the appearance of being intelligent. Education is worthless without a future to build towards.
Since high school, the few friends I had have drifted away and I have been unable to form any meaningful relationships (friend or otherwise) since then.
The only things that came close were a girlfriend in an MMO who used me as a vacation from a boyfriend who was asking her to take responsibility, and a married woman a decade my senior who used me as an exciting diversion from her absent military husband. Neither lasted long.
If I was able to choose how the entire span of my life would go, I would be reincarnated as a new person each day, born in the morning and dead at 100 years of life by nightfall, only to be born again the next morning.
I am twenty-five years old and the only non-family women I've emotionally connected to are a bunch of imaginary disabled girls. I didn't even download this to use as porn, I was just curious about the portrayals.

What the hell.

That's rough man... I don't really know what to say so I'll start at what I think is the easiest to respond to and work my way up.

I didn't download Katawa Shoujo to use as porn either... I don't think any of us have. I wanted to see if this was just another 4-chan joke gone too far, I'm glad to see that it wasn't. I haven't had luck with the few girls I've attempted to date and I feel like I have bonded better with the girls from KS better than anyone I've ever met... this includes the trinity of girls who helped me through my toughest times. I have seen parts of myself in these imaginary girls and I have felt something deeper than I have ever felt with any real person... but ultimately, I do not think it is damaging to feel this way sometimes.

I've pretty much lost everyone I knew in high school, either it was personal problems they had or other things got in the way... I was willing to chalk up a lot of them forgetting me and losing touch because of work or school. I know a couple of people just chose to hate me because of a beef they have with me or that their significant other just plain didn't like me. I can understand how hard it is to try and connect with people after losing all your connections, I'm barely hanging on by a thread some days... Work tore my life apart as well because I had no time for anyone and schedules didn't line up. All I can say is hang in there man and don't ever give up, find a club or something to join... go to a convention if you can.

The financial aid thing... I kind of understand why you would want to stand on your own, the less loans you take the less debts you owe. Don't take it too hard...

[Gelastic]

Hmm...Something has been bothering me lately. I know I said I got surgery to treat my tachycardia in my story, but it didn't necessarily treat it fully. The best way to put it would be comparing me to the guy from Narcissu. He is getting weaker and weaker, only to weaken until he dies. That's basically what's happening to me. My heart is weak and there is no treatment for it. It's just going to be getting weaker until it gives out. This makes me less physically able than the average person.

The day of my surgery, there was a girl who was being treated for the same thing. She was in surgery for 9 hours while I was waiting for them to finish. She was a child and, if I had to guess, I would say she was 7. She was happy and energetic, as most children should be. When I woke up from my surgery, I felt depressed for reasons unknown. My throat was dry and I had a massive headache. I saw the girl walking with her mom holding her hand. She looked depressed, like me. This said feeling is kind of like emptiness and depression for no reason. Even now, 15 months since the surgery, I can't tell why I was so depressed in the hospital. I wasn't depressed before the surgery, I was actually kind of excited.

I guess there are two things that have been bothering me. The thought of my life ending early, and that feeling in the hospital. All my life, everyone has been rushing me into things. I always want to take things slow, but even life itself is rushing me.

So, with that said, the only question I have to answer is: What will I do with my remaining time?

[MrDogsniper]

Haven't been here in a while basically sorted out my problems..although just recently my (innocent) heart murmur has been acting up and I have been having terrible heart aches where I can't breath for a minute and a half every week or so, I was in Algebra and it happened and I grabbed my chest, people were worried I was having a heart attack I assured them I was fine...thank god the teacher didnt see it or I would probably be in the nurses office. I will have to visit the doctor soon to get it checked out...I hope it isn't going to turn into a worse heart condition, although the bullying problem has gone down.

[Beoran]

WorldlyWiseman, thank you for your story. Sometimes, fiction has more effect on us that reality does. That's fine, fiction is a way to learn, to have new experiences that you could not have in reality.

Only some of us know that their time is more limited. I like to pretend that I still have a lot of time, but that's a lie. I don't know that at all. It's the same questin for all of us: how are we going to spend the rest of our lives. I guess we can only do what we can do here and now.

[Xerxes]

This last week something good happenned to me. The past Friday I had to finish some procrastinated work, once job’s done I was already late for the first class of that day, I didn't really feel like going to college, but I didn't want to stay in home for the rest of the day either, so I went anyways to at least pass them time, and when I arrived to the classroom I met two of my classmates. They didn't really feel like going to class neither, so they invited me, out of the blue, to have some drinks (non-alcoholic, don't worry) and then we strolled across that part of the town in search for an I-don't-know-what-collectable-deck o' cards and assorted anime/manga merchandising, they are on that stuff, not me, but we talked about a lot of things. While I did my best to not be rude, the situation was so reciprocal, that they were bursting with questions and I was bursting with the desire to talk. I sparked that, and they just threw more kerosene to the fire.
Late on the afternoon we parted our ways to our homes, but one of the boys (they are younger than me) happens to live in the same neighborhood than I live, so we took the same bus, and never stopped talking to each other during the trip to our homes. I found out that he lives closer to my home than I thought, so he invited me, again, out of the blue, to his house.
What’s so special about it? Because It's been ages since I had the opportunity to do something with someone else, to talk with someone akin to me. Prospective friends? I don't know, but indeed it was refreshing, I really need it. It made me remind on how long I been alone, to the point that I realized that I've been sorta of a hikikomori all these past 3-4 years.
That's a lot of time, and that self-imposed really took its toll on me. I’m kinda like Hanako, but without being too shy or nervous. Even when when manage to feel comfortable among other people, I have some troubles in formulating full sentences because my mind runs faster than my vocal chords, I'm constantly fidgeting, rubbing my hands, I don’t like looking people directly to the eye. I was happy, and at ease that afternoon, but just can’t help with my mannerisms, and because of KS, I’m also nodding a lot, either for acknowledging something or just for the sake of being polite.
This not even the most important part of this story.
I've been trying to develop ESP skills, I've been interested on this subject probably after one painful event I experienced when I was 12 years old. I was on a trip with my classmates of that time, it was a celebration trip for the last year of elementary school (sorta of a custom in my country), everything went well, until I, suddendly, started to feel very depressed, homesick and like some part of me died. I tried to mask it the best I could, but it really spoiled an otherwise once-in-a-lifetime trip. My soon-to-be-former-classmates cried when we packed our stuff to return to our city, because of the fact that weren’t going to be classmates anymore, because me and other two will transfer to another school next year. I didn't shed a tear on their sake, I was so depressed, empty and homesick myself for my own reasons that I really didn't care about what they felt. I just couldn’t, it’s selfish, I know, but that awkward situation only made me feel more grumpy.
When I returned home, I found out the answer, I was told that my grandmother passed away. My parents never called me when I was on the trip, probably to not spoil it with sad news. They really didn't need it. Now I remember, one night during on the hotel I stayed with my classemates, I had a weird nightmare, I saw my cousins and relatives dressed in black and crying over something. I didn't really mind it, but nowadays I still can't believe it how stupid I was to not realize that something was wrong for real, that she died.
What does this have something to do with what happened last Friday? Because I think that foresaw that event, or at least part of it. While I admit that I’m doing my part by being more open with people, I resolved for this year to change, to stop being an hikikomori because reality is forcing me to do so, but there’s one thing that has no explanation, and that was that I had a heavy feel of déjà vu when my classmate invited me to his room in his house. It’s like I saw his room before, and I swear to God, that it was actually the first time I’ve been on his house, in the physical sense. I pay a lot of attention to my dreams, to my gut feelings, to my intuition, and while I’m, by no means, a seer, and that is not something that I can really grasp at will all these training it’s showing some tangible results, and with more frequency.
Oh, I'm sorry if all this sounds weird to you, but I really wanted to share this. I’m dead f*cking serious.
You don’t have to believe me if you don’t want.

[Beoran]

Well, in the one hand, things like Deja Vu are well known, I think almost everyone has these, and I read that they're due to the fact that our brain makes mistakes too at times. Then again, I also experienced some things that may or may not be inexplicable. I tend not to worry too much about them, since if I can't understand it there's no way I can do anything about it. More importantly, I think it's good you met some new people in your life. I'd focus on that, and I hope it all works out for you.

[Nitramy]

Kinda long and rambling story, but I guess I'd better start now. Played through three routes so far (Emi, Lilly, and the latest is Shizune) - while I found Emi's route to have taken a few whacks at my hardened heart, the opposite happened as I played through Lilly's route (it worked for them - don't know if it will work for me).

It was Shizune's route (more specifically Misha's role in it) that really hit home.

You see, I got picked on mercilessly in high school. Normally, I'd take it in stride, try to vent, and maybe play a few video games and pretend I'm somehow still in one piece. Yet... that wasn't the worst of it.

The bullying led me to cling to anyone who showed me even an ounce of kindness - and there I fell for a classmate of mine. We'd do groups, activities, usual student-related stuff... and we tried to keep in touch even after graduating. Kinda sad, but back then, I always think that she was the only thing that kept me sane through four years of high school.

Couple years after that, I... took up whatever little courage I had and told her how I felt about her. Not only was I thrown off, she also told me that she would never see me as anything but a little brother - but at the time, it was okay. I said to myself, I'll be the best little brother she'll ever find.

Too bad a couple years later, she sends me this message online, and I think about if she's working already, gotten promoted... ...it was an invitation to the baptism of her child.

I'd like to say that I turned tragedy to triumph, I used that incident to give glory to the college I was in, but no. I only signed up for it because it would distract me from all the self-destructive thoughts that came back with a vengeance after I thought I sealed them away.

And so I finished school, got a job online, still drifting between here and there, thinking about how I can't do anything right, even when trying to exploit other people (I hold back at the last minute or say something brutally honest, and that usually ruins it) for my own ends...

So when I see Misha with her beaming smile and her drill hair gone, I feel like looking in a mirror - and she still comes off as a stronger person than me.

I'm at the edge of starting something new, and I guess I have to dig myself out of the hole I put myself into if this is to work. But... hate is too easy. Hating everyone is too easy. Hating myself is the easiest part of it all...

[WorldlyWiseman]

So when I see Misha with her beaming smile and her drill hair gone, I feel like looking in a mirror - and she still comes off as a stronger person than me.

I'm at the edge of starting something new, and I guess I have to dig myself out of the hole I put myself into if this is to work. But... hate is too easy. Hating everyone is too easy. Hating myself is the easiest part of it all...

Hatred always stems from fear. What are you afraid of? I've had to find my own answer, and it sounds like you will have to as well.

[Hadokant]

@Gelastic Just live your life the best you can. You must cherish the memories you have gained throught your life. Even if you were to die tommorow you would be remebered by us and your family and friends. Just don't end like me. I'm just a depressed 16 year old boy who can't let go of the past. So even if it's not much. I wil remeber you and if i could would put flowers on your grave. And yes i do mean this. A man should never lie because their is no point but to annoy.

[Xerxes]

Well, in the one hand, things like Deja Vu are well known, I think almost everyone has these, and I read that they're due to the fact that our brain makes mistakes too at times. Then again, I also experienced some things that may or may not be inexplicable. I tend not to worry too much about them, since if I can't understand it there's no way I can do anything about it. More importantly, I think it's good you met some new people in your life. I'd focus on that, and I hope it all works out for you.

I know, sometimes our mind plays tricks on us, but for me, it happens very often, too often to be regarded as coincidences or dejá vu. I didn't want to sound cocky before, but more than once, I even was able to describe faces from people I never seen before in my life. I like dreams, I'm also able to remember them, at least partially, I don't forget them easily, and nowadays I stress on that so I can relate them to real life events.

On the other side, I really hope that I'll make friends this year and that my streak of bad luck with friendships ends for good. One thing I have to avoid is to be pushy, self-centered, to make my need for company too evident, but if I stall and don't take an initiative, I will end up losing them, like it happened before.

[Danze]

I posted on the board yesterday a detail of how this game affected me but it ended up being merged with another thread. It belongs more so here, so rather than re-post I'll just condense what I put and add some different points.

Finished Emi's story arc with the good ending. Never felt so depressed and upset after playing a game. Or any other media for that matter. My love life has been so devoid and empty for the last few years that getting close to someone (in the game) was very hard when it came time to realize that it was all fantasy and nothing was real. To put it simply, left my entire family and moved cross-country to be with someone who turned into someone else when I got here. Relationship became plagued with fights, stress, and general negativity. After it ended, I was ok up until I played KS and became attached to Emi. After the end it seriously felt like I had just look into a mirror and realized what a lonely person I was. I can normally do fine by myself but the overwhelming realization that I have no family closer than 2,500 miles away and no one special to me...it hurt. A LOT. Especially the realization that I've been devoid of physical affection (which is the real part that kills me) for nearly two years. Even when the relationship was still going there was little to no physical contact, due to a lack of interest.

But I think another reason why KS made me upset was the high school setting and the anime aspect. To elaborate, high school was basically hell. Picked on and messed with constantly. Never really fought back due to being a lot smaller (I had been moved ahead one year) and generally low self-esteem. Couple that with an abusive step-father and you have a situation where neither home nor school was pleasant. Felt generally robbed of a lot of my childhood/teen years. So being set in a high school where there is a positive atmosphere and where these great connections between two people can happen was one kicker. The anime aspect ties into that as well. Around in my teens I became heavily interested in anime. Lived out in the rural sections so barely any internet (and it was dial-up) and no ON-demand of any kind. My only option for anime was paying $30 for a DVD containing 3 episodes at the nearest Sam Goody. Needless to say, I barely accumulated any of them. Finally got the opportunity to watch my fill when I moved out here, got high-speed internet and the best of all, Netflix streaming. But the girl I was with hated anime, and would basically ridicule me outright if I tried to watch it. So of course I never got to start watching any. Seriously, she started fights numerous times over watching it, I kid you not. I did finally get to start watching some series in the last couple of months and it brings back a surge of feelings connected to when I was in my teenage years and it becomes slightly upsetting. So put those two together and you can see why KS pretty much railed me.

Btw, thank you to The O.H.L. for pointing me toward this thread.

[Beoran]

Nitramy, thanks for your story. It can be temptd to cling onto a person you like even if they only see you as friends. Misha's story is a common one in reality too, i think. It's sad you had to learn the lesson in the hard way, but I think now you've gone much fartehr on your path. Iyt was a hard won lesson, but I think that you must have lerned a lot, and I hope that from now on things will go better for you.

Danze, From how you describe your previous relationship it really seems like it was broken from the beginning. So I don't see how you could have even started to fix it. I think you shouln't be too hard on yourself for what happened. I'm sory to hear you feel lonely. It might have been hard for you to play KS, because it made you realise what was wrong in your life. It also made me realise what I had ben doing wrong in my life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Of course, it's not the game's fault, it only made us realise what had been "wrong" with or lives all along. But I'm trying to shug off those bricks now, one by one. I don't know if I will make it, but at least, I have to do something. So I hope you'll find a way to get your life on the move again, towards a happier situation. Life can be hard like that. Sometimes we must really do our best to earn our happiness. In life there's no happy ending, but there can be happy "middles", if we can find the way.

[Hadokant]

Beoran i haven't said enough of this but
YOU ARE A GENIUS for making this topic

[ArazelEternal]

Well, where do I start....

Im always depressed. Rarely, if ever what I would call happy. Ive had a lot happen in my life.

In school, I was the one who was always singled out. Elementary, middle and high school I would always swear that I was the outcast of the school. I knew that I was bullied more than anyone else in the school. Cruel, viscous things were said to me. I even had the shit kicked out of me a few times just simply for being who I was. Id ask why and they'd say because your "(my name here)". I tried reporting it many times, but nothing ever got done. They actually started to get annoyed with me and told me to just deal with it.

My mother tried committing suicide more than one, right in front of her kids. She would say it out loud too. That she was going to do it and we didn't know when. It would be when no one could do anything about it.

My older brother who is autistic put me and my sister through hell at a young age with his temper tantrums. He threatened us with a knife more than once and they would get bad enough a number of times that the police had to get involved. My sister and I were too young to understand what the hell was going on, so naturally we were scared as shit.

The kids at school werent the only ones who abused me. My grandmother on my mothers side was also abusive to me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. She came pretty close to killing me a few times. That left more scars on my mental and emotional state than what was done to me through my schooling. Unfortunately not much could be done about it. She had to take care of us when my parents were working. They hardly had enough money to feed the family, let alone hire a baby sitter or anything like that, and we couldn't stay by ourselves.

Ive had people I thought were my friends abandon me. The bullies in school would always get to the new people I met and turn them on me in quick fashion. I was never sure what they would do, but I remember many going from being nice to being some of the meanest of them all. It seemed as if I was the freak of the school. I never had any friends in school, not until I met a few people in high school. So my group of friends in high school was extraordinarily small, but just that much closer. Now today, I still have those friends 8 years later and haven't really gained any more except for one in my current job.

Ive had two girlfriends in my life and both have left me. Id like to believe that I dont feel lonely, but to say that I dont would be a flagrant lie. My problem is I dont look. I dont even try, and I keep people at arms length from me. I dont trust anyone (except for a few, I could count them on one hand) and I am more cynical than anyone else Ive met.

Yeah, it probably sounds like someone who is just bitching and whining, but I thought Id post some of the stuff thats happened to me. Sorry if it bounces around or doesnt make a lot of sense.