Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[dunkelfalke]

Could almost have been written by myself, except that I don't drink at all. And I'm a couple of years older than you are.

Yep, same here.

[Rivan]

There you go, random people on the Internet proving my idea that no human is *truly* unique

Could almost have been written by myself, except that I don't drink at all. And I'm a couple of years older than you are.
I kinda feel a bit hypocritical to talk objectively about your story, because I'm in most the same place as you are. You have however inspired me to write about me, for whatever good or bad it will do.

It is indeed difficult to provide help and solutions to problems for people whose dramas and complications are so similar to what we face at the moment; if we can help them, how come we cannot help ourselves? Well, by extension, we shouldn't be providing advice on things we cannot deal with ourselves... probably.

It is, however, a good think that someone out there can identify with the struggle you're dealing with. Makes it seem less "sucks to be me" and "nobody will ever understand me and what I'm going through".

If you find the time, please write your story. If our personalities/ethics are similar, I wonder if it's because the stories are similar as well, or just a chaotic, random chance.

Cut to this Valentine's day, a whole year after I had planned to confess to her, a plan which fell apart. She came in the front entrance of the school, and I managed to coerce her to walk with me. I get to a nice, quiet spot in the school, put my backpack down, and take out some heart shaped cookies for her. I got a smile, a thank you, and a hug. Things got quiet for a few seconds before she said that she had something to tell me. The reason that she and my friend went splitsville is because she realized that she's a lesbian.
Of course, I had mixed feelings about this event. I was down that I'd never have a chance with her, but I was also happy that I had overcome my shyness and asked someone out. Although, I also felt a sense of regret. If I had the drive to ask her out a year ago, I would have had a chance to date her. And that makes me a bit blue.

It's one of the scary things of modern times, I think. The "I'm homo/asexual" bomb. It's a bad thing to know you're rejected. It's even worse when you know you never had the chance...

I think it's the worst when you're dumped for someone of the same sex your ex has.

Soon the summer holidays ended and I began attending a new school. A foreign school with kids' whose language I don't understand and don't speak. And although I didn't get bullied and everybody was very friendly, I always had the feeling like I didn't belong there, like I was different somehow. The situation at my new home didn't help much either. As it turns out, my stepfather is a selfish jerk with a big mouth and a short temper. Soon my mom and he started arguing a lot. I hated those evening when I could hear them shouting, yelling at each other and my mother often crying. At those moment I felt really lonely, scared and helpless. That's when I began shutting myself in my room, playing video games and subconciently building an emotional defence wall around myself. My situation didn't chance much in high school. I did have some close acquaintances but no real friends who I could trust 100%. I didn't let anyone get to close. It's was during my first year at the university when i started to get fed up with my feelings of loneliness. It's was then that I decided to go back home, to go back to my hometown in Poland.
In the beginning it was great! I felt like I was back and this is the place where I belong. I quickly made some new friends and girlfriend(s) as well. I really felt that for the first time I was able to open up to people and that my defensive wall I finally breaking apart. But, it actually wasn't...
You see, I was a college student then in my twenties. Al I did was party, drink beer, smoke cigarettes, flirt and date girls. I was seizing and living my life day by day (yes, Rin is actually my favourite KS character!!), but reality was slowly creeping in. I wasn't doing anything useful with my life, while everybody around me was moving forward I was just standing still. Like I said before I had a few girlfriends during those years, but I never let anyone of them get to close to me. I didn't want to emotionally get to attached to them. That's when I realised that I didn't really care for any of them, that I wasn't persuing a serious relationship. I was just looking for someone to not feel lonely anymore. My defensive wall was still there, strong as ever or maybe even stronger.
My ex-wife I met six years ago. She really is a sweet, helpful, resourceful although a bit naive girl. I never was 100% sure if I want to start something with her, but I gave it a shot anyway. We married four years later, I shouldn't have...
Our relationship lasted six years. We had lots of fun during that time, but there was always this feeling of loneliness in my mind. I felt lonely al the time. When we talked, when we prepared dinner, when we hugged, when we...you know;-p. I wanted to get rid of this feeling, but I couldn't. It eventually got so bad that I told my wife that's it over, that was six months ago.
So there you go, that's basically my story. The feeling of loneliness and the fear of getting to attached to someone is controlling my life. I like my job very much, I have a very nice income, great collegeaus, nice apartment, my relationship with my mom and even my stepfather improved dramatically, I have interesting hobbies, a few friends which I trust 100%, but I feel lonely and I don't have a goal in life. I continue living my life day by day and not worrying about the future, but is this it? Do I want to live like this? I do not know, that is something I have to figure out on my own I guess.
Well, that's about what I wanted to write. It actually feels good to write it don't and share it with someone. It turned out to be quite a long story, so I hope I didn't bore you much and I sure hope my writing is comprehensible enough, since English isn't my native language (that's Polish;-p!!).
Like I said in the beginning, I'm a 31 year old, single guy and my name is Lucas. My struggle in life is the feeling of loneliness and not having a goal in life. Do I feel depressed? Not really. Was I loved by a girl? Yeah, definitely. Did I love them back? I don't think so. Am I lonely? Absolutely! Did KS change my life? Well, not exactly change but it did help me realize my weaknesses and to acknowledge and embrace my dark side (yes, Rin IS my favourite KS character).
So there you go guys (and girls). That's all I want to say. Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story, or maybe you think I'm a heartless bastard (some do). But I'm looking forward to your replies.
Cheers!

Right after parental abuse, attack on your free will (dramatic blackmail, rape etc.) and unrequited love, too much loneliness and too much emotional self-defense is probably one of the worst things ever.

I can identify with you because I've been on my guard against many people other than my brother and my best friend, and INCLUDING my parents, for many years and it made me so jaded I continued to lose hope. Eventually, I've decided to do the dumb thing once I "grew up" and trust some other people.

I'm going to come out and say 50, 60 or maybe a bit more % of the people whom I chose to trust ended up betraying me somehow, not meeting my expectations, hurting me or cutting ties when I became reduntant or no longer useful.

~But!

The other guys are at the very least making up for it, and I had a pretty good "fake" friendship with a girl until she somehow ended up rather poorly with her exams and went into... not exactly depression, but a bad phase.

These days I realize it wasn't friendship, but more me pampering her and her basking in that treatment. So, of course when it came to "getting out" of her bad phase, I wasn't the first choice, and when it came to contact, she broke it like I was nothing. I sometimes regret that I wasn't able to help her and somewhat turned down the indirect offer of renewing our relations, if from a further distance, but I do treasure the good times we had even if there was a little bit of a lie in them.

Point being : You may find you're enjoying yourself even if you'll get a bit hurt in the end, and by now, you're probably strong enough that the damage will be minimal - it was in my case, after opening up after so many years. You'll also find people who are worth it, sooner or later. Don't go crazy, of course, but IT IS WORTH A SHOT.

Start with... whomever you'd be comfortable with. Just build something that isn't a lie, or at least you lower down the emotional defense. Slowly. Don't rush anything.

Form a friendship with a person whom you've known a long time and seems decent. Get along better with a sibling, or a cousin, whatever. Meet a girl or two that aren't exactly "God, I wanna do her already" and wonder if you'll ever be able to see something romantic in your relationship.

"If you stand still... nothing changes...but if you take even a step forward...I have a feeling something will change. And... something good will happen."

Rivan, thanks for your story. Of course, there's always someone who is worse off, but like Buddha said, "You can't pull others out of a swamp if you're not solidly grounded yourself". So, it's OK for us to work on our own problems first until they have become manageable enough before we try to help others with their problems. Or do it simultaneously. No matter how "small" our own problems seem, if they're in our way, we have to deal with them.

About alcohol, I'm wildly guessing you live in England or at least somewhere in Europe, since I think young people in Europe are a bit to careless with it. Personally, I like many different alcoholic beverages *for their taste*, and for use in cooking. One or two units can also be a bit relaxing at times. But I hate to get drunk, there's nothing fun about that, and I don't want drinking alcohol to become a bad habit. Also, except for special occasions like, say, the birth of the child of an aquiantance, a restuarant visit, or a new year's party, I only drink alcohol in the evenings and I don't drink and drive, of course! I only got really drunk three or four times, and it was always a bad experience. I really hope people would learn how to use alcohol more responsibly, so actually I'm glad to hear you are like you are. We need more people who think like you.

As for the others people that you seem to feel to be below you, you played "Castlevania Syphony of the Night"? I have a quote for you:
Dracula: Tell me...What...What were Lisa's last words?
Alucard: She said "Do not hate humans. If you cannot live with them, then at least do them no harm. For theirs is already a hard lot".
She also said to tell you that she would love you for all of eternity...
Dracula: Lisa, forgive me. Farewell my son...
And that when Lisa was killed by humans as a witch...

I think most "normal" people also have plenty of their own problems. I'm sure of it. "Normalcy" is for them a refuge from those too. I understand why you don't want to play that game called "society". But, remember this, the social game also is very useful, it make it possible for people who don't really care for each other to work together and live together relatively peacefully. Look at Japan as an example of the downsides but also of the benefits of a country with a complex social game. Feeling aloof of others is also an unhealthy way to hide from our own problems. I think aloofness a Bad Idea in the end. Not that I'm over it myself, mind you. :p

As for the girls you met, I think that in Europe, before, girls were expected to be better behaved than boys. However, now that expectation is all but gone, and as a result, girls tend to become equally messed up as boys now. In the past expectations towards children were exaggerated and too severe, but perhaps in our time, expectations are a bit too free and casual. The pendulum has swung a bit too far to the other side. I hope it stabilizes in the middle for my daughter's sake. But for you, there's many more, and some of those girls will grow up once they hit 20, 25 or 30.

As for sex, even though I have a high libido, but to say it in a crass way, the concept of having sex with someone I don't like seems to me like eating something I don't like on purpose. How desperate do you have to be to do that? And unlike hunger, if you're that horny, you can take care of it yourself. Not as satisfactory, true, but it's sufficient to get along.

Well, those were the thoughts that popped in my head when I read your story. I hope it didn't offend you since no offense was intended. I doubt it was very useful, but perhaps it made you think, and that's already a start.

Do I really seem like a native English speaker? Nevermind. Yes, I'm from Europe (are you?) : Central, one of the Slavic countries. The tendencies you describe seem to spread nearly everywhere in Europe east of Spain, so you'd be in the right about my colleagues/peers...

Also, you'll find that I'm rather hard to offend when speaking to me and about me personally

Actually, what you mention is the first step I had during "growing up" that I described. It was like sudden enlightement. "Damn, those people probably have problems too. Some harder than mine, probably. And I'm not making it any easier".

Of course, it's hard to keep the mindset when people are acting half their age and giving you bullcrap, but it REALLY HELPS. I'm only capable of being near-friends with two of my former high-school acquaintances because I started to grow up in this way. Otherwise, I'd shut them out due to different reasons, probably.


As for the alcohol... My tastes are also different from most of my peers, so i guess I was born to be different here. But the tendency to abuse and overuse is incredible. I've seen it myself. I've actually been really drunk like maybe twice in my life, proved by vomiting once and incredible hangover in both cases (Normally, my "hangovers", on the rare occasions I've been drinking, are "I'm kind of thirsty, so let's have two cups of tea instead of usual one"). I can't seem to find a reason they get off on that feeling. I've actually noticed I came close to commiting total idiocies after much smaller amounts of alcohol than they absorb. I saw a timid, rather smart guy drink too much, start smoking, "acting cool", then "acting drunk" and almost starting a fight with a guy he normally gets along with.

I guess this is also coping with their problems. Many people I know can't step up to their problems, face them directly or find other ways of dealing with themselves. They have problems being open and honest in conversations, and establishing new relationships.

When they get drunk, all of that miraculously dissapears for a few hours, so it is, at some level, a coping mechanism as well as stupid simulation of the more "playful and relaxed" people of their generation.


And as for the women... I'm a bit down about it, because recently, rather than finding someone I'm suited to be with, I was considering finding anyone at all, but I held my ground against the momentary weakness. Now, on university, I've noticed there are more than one girl worth the time and attention, even though many of them are already taken. In school etc., it was very rarely more than one girl who even had the smallest chance of interesting me romantically and seeming worthy of the affection. Since there is more than one now (even though I'm in love and it complicates things, I can admit some of them are "interesting", at least) I believe that somehow, someday, I'll find someone who is in love with me, I'm in love with them, and this time, it'll last more than a freaking 1/10 of a year or less...

At the same time, however, part of me sort of gets used to the idea that maybe I'm somehow fated to be alone, if not exactly lonely. I'm getting too much of "you're such a good guy, that there will definitely be a girl for you" from the women I "befriend" that I suspect I may be the perfect friendzone material once I open up and show my better side. It's actually painful that the only times women saw me as attractive was when I was on guard against everyone else and being rather cold if not downright demeaning to the "fairer sex" around me...

Seriously, girls, what the hell?

Anyway, I'll try to be positive. Maybe they'll grow up, one day.

As for sex, well. I discovered : I have too high of a libido, I'm too much "jumpy" between moods (repeatedly supressing it only to revel and drown in it weeks later), I'm a bit too fetish-packed and kinky for my age, it seems... I also have suspicions I'm not 100% straight (the amount of "straying" depends on whom you really consider all these transsexuals and intersexes to be...), plus I somehow hope I can connect all these to the person I'll eventually love and they'll somehow have the same libido. Wishful thinking.

It doesn't seem good at the moment, but I guess it'll help if I eventually find a girlfriend.

[Alexbond45]

God once gave a Biker one wish, the Biker thinks for a bit, and says "I want a Highway that goes from California to Hawaii!"
God says that He cannot do that, and asks for another wish.

After thinking for about 15 minutes, the biker finally says: "I want to understand Women"
God then asks: "Would you like 2 Lanes or 4 Lanes on that highway?"

[Ax Maverick]

Ok, I came here because of someone's signature... And I found myself identified with many of these stories. I may as well tell mine, being that the whole point of this thread.

I was born and grew up in a very caring family, a bit numerous (I'm the third child out of 5), but it was a good enviorment. We didn't have much money, we just had fun playing anything that came to mind (which developed a huge and wild imagination on me), we didn't matter after all. I hardly ever had problems with my brothers, and my parents only scolded me when I did something very stupid.

You ask, why am I on the "Broken Heart Club"? I'll tell you why.

My family wasn't the problem. In fact, I kept my family away from the problem. I was the most clever kid in prymary school. I was shy and physically weak, and also kind of a white knight. I was also bullied, but I still tried to be a nice person, after all, I had a good friend. But that got to an end. I met a teacher who seemed to enjoy yelling at the students, scolding them for minimal mistakes. That was it. I snapped and yelled at that same teacher, going through many bad memories, almost making me hit her. I cried. Thinking about all that made me cry. I only told my mum that the teacher had been mean to the students and I stood up for the rest of the class. And it happened again the next year, with a different teacher. I also got in a lot of fights. Why? How did I go from being the "smart kid" to being a fighter? Because I realized it. I wasn't that strong physically, but I was mentally. I was braver and tougher than many of the other people. But I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every fight, even making up excuses to get into them. It was no different in secondary school. I grew apart of my friend, still going to the same school but becoming different from each other. I still fought, now even on the streets, with the occasional thief. But now I didn't try to hide it from my schoolmates. I was bitter and agressive. Cold. But nothing of that mattered.

Also, I'm not afraid to say that I was really different from many people. I had no interest in football (soccer), I loved anime, manga and videogames, I hated cumbia and I hated going dancing. Different from many of the stories, I do enjoy drinking alcohol, but never got drunk.

However... I was aware of being a dark and goolmy person. I though I kinda liked fighting, I didn't like being sad. You could say I was hoping that someday I would find someone. I was only hoping for that day that someone told me "It's okay. You don't have to be sad anymore. I'll be there for you.", but it was not possible if I kept people at arm's lenght. So I became a nice guy... Someone people could trust on. Someone who was there for the others. But hey... How long can you last until society crushes you? SNAP! I was again, fighting on the streets, beating a thief; his arms, his legs, his chest, his chin, his back... I realized then, I was broken. I just enjoyed seeing people suffer. I still kinda do, but also arguments startle me. When two people are fighting, I tremble because of excitement.

Luckily, I met some people who are now my dearest friends, and today they keep me controlled, just by being there. They are the people who I can tell my problems to... But I don't tell them the most important. My hunger for fights. I guess I'm like Emi there, hiding the worst of me from the pople I care about, just because I don't want them to get involved.

About love, I fell in love with a girl for the first time when I was in first grade, primary school. I know it sounds weird, eve stupid for some people, but it was love. I loved her and I think she loved me, too. She was my secret love, I just treated her like a friend near everyone else. But the next year, she moved to another country. I don't remember which countr, maybe I wasn't told anyway. But she left without me knowing it. I was crushed. My first love, gone. Forever. It was the first time I hid my feelings. I had some other "crushes", but it was only physically or my desire of finding someone who could be there for me. In a vacation colony (where I got in many fights, too) I think I fell in love with a guy, or it was some kind of bromance. But he made me know he would be there for me. Again, after the vacation ended, I never saw him again. Not so crushed as the first time, but it still hurt pretty bad. Some months ago I met a girl who I really liked, then stopped talking to her, then talked again. And she told me she liked me, too. We started dating without being a couple, but after the first "date" she stopped talking to me and didn't reply to any text I sent her. This scared me and worried me, why did it have to happen after meeting someone who I liked and she liked me too? My friend (who was also her best friend) told me the reason... And I the sadness turned into anger. She dumped me because I was shy. Because I was fucking SHY. Up today I still can't believe it.
Now I've become friends with this really nice girl, a bit like me, who I thought as gloomy before getting to know her. I think I'm starting to have feelings for her, but it may also be my need of having someone.

Well, that's pretty much my story.

[Alexbond45]

I'm gonna make this short, cuz I'm posting from an iPhone

It's good that you found friends, though I don't understand the urge to fight someone, because I prefer peaceful methods
(though, fighting shouldn't be to keep the peace, "war to keep peace is like having sex for virginity"-unknown)

You should probably do more peaceful stuff, like puzzles, and for a warlike edge, play a tactical game like total war, for it is heavily mind based, with no hands on fighting.

[The O.H.L.]

This isn't really a reply to anyone specific but I think the Rage Against the Machine cover for Beautiful World (not going to link it because I'm new to the forum format) kinda fits the theme here. It's a nice calm song, a change from their usual stuff and so far at the moment it seems to describe how I feel, which is even though I know the world is a wondrous place, I just can't see it now.

[Beoran]

Ax Maverick, thank you for your story. Personally, I have also felt anger before at how I was treated, and sometimes I did become violent. Not often, but still... I can't say I understand, but for some people aggression and fighting are a way to deal with their pain. A bad way, but it's what keeps them going.

I'm not sure how you could deal with it, but I heard sometimes before that learning some martial arts, like, say, boxing, may help you channel your anger into something more positive. You'll learn how to control your own body, and your own anger too. Since you sound like you have a strong sense of justice, you might also consider a career in law enforcement of private guarding if your country isn't corrupt. There too, you'll have to learn restraint to keep your job. I hope these ideas might be valuable to you.

[Althamus]

It is indeed difficult to provide help and solutions to problems for people whose dramas and complications are so similar to what we face at the moment; if we can help them, how come we cannot help ourselves? Well, by extension, we shouldn't be providing advice on things we cannot deal with ourselves... probably.

...

If you find the time, please write your story. If our personalities/ethics are similar, I wonder if it's because the stories are similar as well, or just a chaotic, random chance.

We could help others but not help ourselves I guess because it's a lot easier to give advice than take it. I can say "Work harder, be more considerate and be more diligent" and if pretty much anyone on the forum followed the advice they'd be in a better situation than they are at the moment, even me.

I started writing my story the other day, then had to go and saved it to drafts. Must try and finish it today. I found it surprisingly difficult to write actually.

[Beoran]

We could help others but not help ourselves I guess because it's a lot easier to give advice than take it. I can say "Work harder, be more considerate and be more diligent" and if pretty much anyone on the forum followed the advice they'd be in a better situation than they are at the moment, even me.

There you hit the nail squarely on the head. I even have difficulties in taking my own advice. :p To be honest, giving advice is mostly about myself, about trying to learn myself, thinking about what I should do, how I can learn to express my concerns in a good way, and then hoping that it will be of some minimal use to the person I give the advice too. So in a way, giving advice can be selfish too. But I think it's OK, because it might be helpful at least a bit to the advisor and the advisee. And if the advice is useless, then that's normally not much of a problem either. All in all, we made this thread just to talk about our problems, and to try to listen to others people's problems. I think that may be enough to be of some use to all who posted in it or read it.

[Ax Maverick]

I'm gonna make this short, cuz I'm posting from an iPhone

It's good that you found friends, though I don't understand the urge to fight someone, because I prefer peaceful methods
(though, fighting shouldn't be to keep the peace, "war to keep peace is like having sex for virginity"-unknown)

You should probably do more peaceful stuff, like puzzles, and for a warlike edge, play a tactical game like total war, for it is heavily mind based, with no hands on fighting.

Honestly, I don't know why I have to fight, either... It's in my system now, it's something I can't just get rid of, an almost symbiotic part of me... I have to say, it has kept me going forward some times, my internal beast was my motivation to keep going. Something I want to overcome. Something I must overpass.

Ax Maverick, thank you for your story. Personally, I have also felt anger before at how I was treated, and sometimes I did become violent. Not often, but still... I can't say I understand, but for some people aggression and fighting are a way to deal with their pain. A bad way, but it's what keeps them going.

I'm not sure how you could deal with it, but I heard sometimes before that learning some martial arts, like, say, boxing, may help you channel your anger into something more positive. You'll learn how to control your own body, and your own anger too. Since you sound like you have a strong sense of justice, you might also consider a career in law enforcement of private guarding if your country isn't corrupt. There too, you'll have to learn restraint to keep your job. I hope these ideas might be valuable to you.

As I said before... Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me going. Learning martial arts sounds like a good idea, I have always wanted to start kickboxing, but it was impossible due to two things; not having enough money, and my slender, almost skeletical body. I do know some martial arts (some kempo and muay thai), but only techniques.

Thank you both for the help, it's... Nice to finally talk a bit about this.

[Alexbond45]

Well, I'm not sure what caused it, But I've managed to become a highly disciplined Person (Despite having ADD, Which really complicates things).
I can actually Stand at Attention in Marching Band for about 15 Minutes, with my Horn in Front Position


Just to note though, This is actually NOT what We Do, We actually hold the horn HIGHER, With the 2nd Valve on the same plane as the eyeline.
This is what I play

[The O.H.L.]

Honestly, I don't know why I have to fight, either... It's in my system now, it's something I can't just get rid of, an almost symbiotic part of me... I have to say, it has kept me going forward some times, my internal beast was my motivation to keep going. Something I want to overcome. Something I must overpass.

I sort of have the same problem with playing on my Xbox 360. It seems to be a coping mechanism that I feel unable to stop. During these past summer holidays (summer is an Americans winter here) most of the time I spent lying in bed just playing games with my other friend who is also depressed. The best way to get yourself to stop (in my experience) is to just stop one day and never do it again. Don't try to wean yourself off of fighting, just stop, if that is what you want. I understand how hard it is to break a habit that has been going for years, I'm trying to stop swearing in almost every sentence I say, not quite the same, but it was brought about by grief and anger. But the best way is to stop and never look back.

[Althamus]

OK internets. Here it is. Mah story.

I guess a little about me. I'm 24, and not suffering from a broken heart, which was why I hadn't posted in this topic up until now, but do not consider myself without problems, why is why I post in it now. I guess in a lot of ways, my problems aren't as bad as a lot of other people who've posted on the topic, but also "Everyone's worst problem is as important as everyone's worst problem." To each individual, their worst problem is as big as any other individual's worst problem, from each their point of view.

I consider family to be incredibly important, and people have an obligation to help their family and should maintain close family ties. I am polite, proper, courteous. I consider my action before doing them, and am heavily guided by logic, so rarely do something which I would change afterwards (although that's not to say I don't do things I regret, more that most of the time I do them tinged with bittersweetness because I do them knowing I'll regret what I do, but that I consider it the best option I have). I consider promises as sacrosanct, and will move heaven and earth to keep them. I will do a lot for those I consider friends or family, going above and beyond what I would expect most other people would do. I can't stand what I refer to as politics, meaning politics within friendship groups or cliques, and tend to speak my mind plainly when I can. I have very few people whom I consider an enemy, and can probably count them on one hand for my entire life.

I've always been quite introverted, preferring books to loud friends. I'm considerate to a fault. I lived in quite a small town with only a crummy secondary school, so I travelled 20 miles each day to a nearby city to go to secondary school. However, since all my friends from that school lived reasonably around the school, it would take a good couple of hours via public transport each way to visit them, or would require a parent to travel for 2x1hr20 to drop me off and collect me. I now know that they would quite happily have done this to help their son keep in better touch with his friends, but at the time I considered it a hell of a lot to ask them to do, so very rarely visited my friends outside of school except for special occassions, which probably reinforced my "family is important" and introverted personality. Looking back, I have no idea what the hell I did for so much of the time back then. I feel a lot of my life so far has been biding my time.

My friendship group was small. I had a group of maybe 4 guys who were all friends with each other, and we'd hang out together. When we hit 6th form, we had another 2-4 people on the outskirts of the group, but that was basically it. We knew girls and talked to girls, but none of us were really interested in dating during secondary school.
I've always been unsure about what I wanted to do for a career, and still am (which sucks btw. Anyone younger reading this, find something you want to do and plan your education towards it. Being unsure sucks ), and I went to college near where I live to get my degree pretty much by default rather than through any design. I dated a couple of girls while there, but nothing much happened. I've come to the conclusion that I have trust issues or something, because I struggle to let people get close to me. I feel comfortable telling this story to the world, because none of you know me. My name is stapled at the top, but bar internet stalkers, it won't trace back to me, but I struggle to let people in who're close to me. I made a lot of acquaintances at college, but not many real friends.

[Got the KS soundtrack playing while I type, and I'm not sure if it's the typing or the music, but teh feels man, teh feels.]

Then halfway through third and final year, my family got torn up, and my mother went. It hit Dad real hard, and it still hit myself and my sister pretty hard as well. She was doing her GCSEs and I my finals in a few months, and tbh I'm impressed we both came out with the marks we did. However, with Dad so cut up, I didn't feel that at the end of my course I could just "Well, ciao Dad/sis, I'm off and moving out 8D" so I stayed to do what I could to help family. Sadly, as I think I said, one-horse-town doesn't fit with a well-educated person, who outwardly behaves middle-class, living in a lower-class town. I did what I could though. Although somewhere around about this point, I started to get disillusioned with family. I still feel very strongly that I should help Dad and my sister where I can, and would do anything to help them out, but I don't feel connected to them anymore. It didn't help that basically all our extended family were extremely unsupportive.

I kinda got trapped there. I left Uni when I'd just turned 21, and ended up trapped at home until a year ago, when I was 23 almost 24 when I finally made the decision that either I needed to get out, or I needed to die, because staying just felt like slow torture, so I moved out and to a city close enough that I could come help if needed, but far enough that I wouldn't be able to be back all the time, and have been there for the past year (moved out 2nd April last year). However, I'm getting bitten in the ass for staying at home for as long as I did, because I'm unemployed atm (tbh, I'm shocked at how cheaply I'm able to live atm, and how many necessities are actually luxuries), but employers look at my CV, see the degree, then see the 3 years of working as a waiter, or in a takeaway, or unemployed, and chuck it in the bin.

Also, I'm still not over my family situation. They went from being my only real rock to... not. And it feels bad man to be drifting without a rock. Also, the three years after that of living in perpetual frustration at life and not using my brain feels like it's rotted half my brain away. I feel noticably dumber than I did a couple years ago, and although I wouldn't describe myself as broken, I think I definitely have issues which make me unwilling to date someone, because I feel it'd be a horribly co-dependant relationship and my confidence and abilities are so down at the moment.

Jesus Christ, that got depressing very quickly. Positive points though. I still stick to my morals, and feel my personality is a good one. Neutral Good if anyone follows. I'm still hopefully, and still try to be positive, which I feel is the most important thing, because I'm still trying, I'm not lying down to be kicked. It may take me a little longer to get upright than it would have with a perfect life, or it does for other people, but I'll get there. Besides, we all have scars, right?

[Wanderingheartache]

I've read a lot of these stories, I'd like to help out in any way I can... I also feel I have the courage to share some stories of my own.


*ahem* My handle is Satori, I don't really want to reveal my real name just yet... mostly because I dislike my father's insistence to name me after him. I was only one year old when my little sister was born, I would see a little brother be born at age four. My first accomplishment was learning to read at age three, I couldn't even really speak to anyone appropriately until I was around five... I lived a pretty good childhood up until I was seven. My dad had gotten a promotion that required the family to uproot from San Jose, California and head for Austin, Texas... I had some long hippy hair around that time so the heat of the deserts in Arizona and New Mexico were murder on me. My first trouble would come from my hellish second and third grade integrated class upon arriving to Texas.

I think I was eight... I remember some boys backing me into a corner, grabbing my long hair and cutting it with scissors while calling me names like "Surfer Bitch" and "Queermo". I assumed that the kids in Texas just didn't like Californians, but I realized that the kids bullied me because of my hair... the teachers did nothing to stop it because it happened at recess and it was out of sight. My parents were furious to find out that I had been bullied and took me to get my hair cut to at least make myself presentable once again... I grew terrified after that incident that I would wet myself when I felt intimidated, it gave them more things to laugh about. My teachers also joined in by telling me that I should "man up and stop being such a brat about things not going my way..." (again, only eight at the time and endured some serious trauma...) that only made my pants wetting worse. I was also put on ADD medications because of my inattentiveness in class. I think I was only put on them because my teachers didn't like that I was zoning out because of the trauma of those boys cutting my hair and making me uglier... the teachers never did believe me or my parents about what happened,why I looked like shit leaving school that day, or why I even had a haircut to begin with. Even worse however, my eyesight began to deteriorate... I assumed this was hereditary because my mom wears glasses.

Fourth grade came along and the family moved from a shitty apartment to a nicer house, with it meant I was free from hell and got to go to a new school. I met a girl who would become one of my greatest friends, I think she had a crush on me for the longest time too. There was some bad that came with the new school, but it wasn't hell either... I sat alone and rarely spoke to anyone but this girl. (let's call her, Kira) Kira was a nice person and she tried her hardest to get her friends to like me, but ultimately she resorted to meeting me in secret and only joining me at the lunch tables when her friends were sick or just being bitches to her... Fifth grade we were in separate classes and I had to learn to adapt without her. Boys picked on me because I cried easily and wasn't good at sports... eventually they grew tired of making fun of me and moved on to trying to court girls. I was thankful that my pants wetting stopped when I changed schools, but was angry that I could only cry... I wanted to defend myself but I didn't want a repeat of what happened to me with my hair.

Middle school eventually came, I pretty much saw the same people I knew from 4th and 5th grade joining me in classes. I didn't really meet anyone new and I wasn't quite bullied anymore... I just kept to myself and people thought I was weird when I took up writing "dark" poetry. I aspired to be like Poe and loved English class very dearly because it allowed me to speak without ever really talking to people. I started seeing my dad less and less though, his job required him to travel a lot so it was rare to see him around for longer than maybe a month... he missed birthdays and constantly forgot my age. For a while, I was afraid I might lose him...

September 11th, 2001: I was eleven now and my mom hadn't heard from my dad who was supposed to be leaving New York to come home, I was sitting in class playing with my new cell phone... the teacher happens to turn the tv to CNN and I see a sight that causes me to shut down. My dad's flight... crashing into the twin towers. I ran out of class praying to god that it wasn't true, I think that was the first time I had been truly racist. I was cursing at the people who I thought had taken my dad from me... the next day however, my mom would get a call from my dad saying that he was lucky his taxi was late. I was overjoyed to hear my father was safe. I felt silly for bolting out of the classroom, but I didn't want anyone to see me cry.

Seventh and Eighth grade didn't seem as remarkable after the thought of losing my dad, I was still withdrawn but Kira got me to smile a lot and convinced me to go to some dances... I never really noticed her much in those years either. There was one fate she could not save me from though... a girl in my PE class had told a counselor that I was going to "reenact columbine" because she was unhappy that I was not competitive or "skilled" enough to help her win a volleyball game, I remember being interrogated and having my locker being searched before being suspended. I passed the psych exam and was put on antidepressants before heading back to school... I would later find out that the antidepressants were to combat the side effects of my ADD meds. I remember being constantly furious when I looked at that girl and her cronies... feeling my reputation change from just a quiet boy to a delinquent with a short fuse rather quickly, I thought I had lost all chances of making friends and decided to shut down again. A detail that will become important later is that I bullied a sixth grader just before leaving middle school.

Miraculously... or rather because I knew Kira, I survived middle school and never once had a bad thought. High school would prove to be the biggest hurdle to leap unfortunately. Kira and I did not attend the same high school and it saddened me that I would have to figure out how to deal on my own. I started seeing less and less of my dad again, I knew that I would need his guidance for some of the more... "delicate" parts of high school. In the long run, I guess I really did grow up without him...


Freshman year I made some friends with upperclassmen, they were okay and we had some common interests... but I felt like I was just a pet project when they all graduated and lost contact with me. Sophomore year I started an anime club with a teacher's approval and support, but delinquents and idiots ruined my dreams every year the club was active... it eventually died a few years after I graduated. Junior year I met a freshman girl I liked a lot, she seemed to be head over heels in love with me... though all I thought about her was that she was a really great friend. (let's call her May) No, the girl I would be interested in would be the one who cheated on me because I missed her birthday... only justifying her cheating by reminding me that her lover was a "childhood friend". She knew I hated being an outsider and that with her I thought I finally found someone who I belonged with because she opened the door and let me into the house metaphorically... I guess I was just a pet project and she pitied me in order to see if she was really ready to see her friend. I began to close up again and May was persistent to make me smile again.


Senior year though, that was probably the worst year for me... I would once again fall for a girl who would use me. This girl would find out fairly quickly that I liked her, she would play at my weaknesses and turn me against people who she did not like (example: ex boyfriends)... She never fulfilled her end of the bargain either. I was never cut loose because she liked the devotion and attention I paid her... that I would even cast aside a girl who very obviously loved me just to get noticed by her. One day, I refused to follow orders... that is when the girl I fell for would reveal that I was just a tool for her to use as she pleased. When I told her I did not believe her, she took a gift I had given her and destroyed it right before my eyes. I was devastated and asked her why she would do such a thing... I never got a reply. I began to seclude myself in the library... May followed me and even skipped classes just to see me during my lunch periods there. She convinced me to come back outside to the courtyard during the second semester when we had the same lunch period... I spent a lot of time alone with her under the trees and enjoying her homemade lunches. But that happiness wouldn't last, her family was falling apart and she had to move away after her parents divorced... she never told me until I noticed she vanished one day and I never heard from her until graduation.


At 19, I started my first job working at a gas station instead of going to college... I hated every minute of it but I liked the money I was making. I bought video games and a computer as my first personal purchases when I wasn't helping pay the cable and utilities bills. I hear from May while I'm at work, she moved to Alabama and she missed me a lot... she wanted to stay connected so I got a new email and everything so we could keep in touch. I was so happy that she remembered my phone number and that she even took the time to call me. I found out that she was planning to visit me and everything one day, so I worked up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. She had sounded so happy that I finally asked her out... even if it was for a long distance relationship.


I would lose my job in November of 2009, two months short of my 20th birthday... There was an alcohol sting that I was never informed of and I was just unlucky enough to be the only cashier on a busy day. I made a mistake and forgot to card one person... officers came in and informed me that I would be cited for "intent to contribute to delinquency" because of the alcohol sale. I would spiral into depression for a while considering that everything was falling apart around that time, May was unable to visit me in 2010 and due to some high school credits not transferring over to her new school... she was held back as well as having some restrictions on her communications. Her mother found out about me and thought I was just a scumbag who wanted to take away her daughter like her father did when they were my age.


2011... I would see my family finally begin to crack, my dad tells me I'm a disappointment because unlike my sister I'm unemployed and I am not in school. We get drunk one day and butt heads finally, something that was 14 years in the making finally comes out... he treats me like a kid and forgets my age one last time so I tell him I hate him and confirm it by showing him that it isn't the alcohol talking. My sister chastises me and I remind her who actually paid for her gas, the electricity, and who sacrificed his own paycheck when people needed it and never asked for anything in return. My mother tries to calm me down and somewhat succeeds... I apologize to my sister but not to my dad, I'm still speaking to him but my future and what I do with my life is no longer shared with him. I don't like admitting it, but I meant what I said on my 21st birthday and he'll never treat me like a kid again...


At the apex of 2011 though, before summer starts... my uncle moves in with the family. He complicates things in an already tense house and I begin to feel even more hopeless because of my job hunt being put on hold to "babysit" him... to help him get a job himself. Due to the fact that he needs a State ID for most of the jobs here, he pretty much freeloads and leeches off my parents... he talks about moving my grandma to Texas as well because California is pretty much dead set on letting them die and bleeding them dry. He begins to think that he is the 3rd adult and therefore, a third parent... he tries changing rules in the house and attempts to bar my brother's friends from coming over because "they distract and invade the house". I intervene and tell him that if anyone is going to take flak for them being over, I WILL... I may be younger than him but I'm still the one who's lived in the house longer and rightfully deserves the respect and power of being "parental".


Even worse about that situation with my uncle is that May finally comes to visit and spend summer with me, but she isn't spared from the restriction unless he gets to gawk at her... I refuse for obvious reasons and decide to spend most of that summer walking to her father's house. We spend little time together though because of her schedule, I assume it is because her dad just keeps a tight leash on her as did her mom... I find out that I wasn't the only person she visited. I was unaware she had other friends, many of whom were guys who had strong feelings for her... some of whom I knew to be scumbags who would just use her for her body. I try to bring it up with her and she accuses me of being jealous, saying she cannot have a paranoid boyfriend... She breaks up with me and for almost the rest of summer I will not see her. The day before she is scheduled to fly home, she comes to my house crying... telling me that I was right and that one of the guys she was friends with had attempted to rape her. He is someone I cannot touch though because of his connections, the only evidence May has is a torn shirt... her dad apparently yelled at her too for sneaking out with this boy.


I wanted to be coldhearted to her, but I didn't and I just tried comforting her... my uncle says nothing and ignores the fact that she follows me into my room and I've barricaded the door. We sit in the darkness, I embrace her and let her cry everything out... I know that even after all of this I have no chance of being her boyfriend ever again. She continues to apologize to me repeatedly and I keep telling her that everything is fine... She still pleads that she'll do anything to make it up to me, I tell her that just spending her last day in Texas with me was good enough. She tells me that she wants to make love to me... for the first time in my life I've hesitated to her advances. Or so I thought at least, she revealed to me that she's loved me since the Sixth Grade... that meeting me in high school and being my friend was fate. The girl I bullied, became my best friend and even my girlfriend for a while... I tell her it is okay for us to make love if it means that we will become closer and somewhat salvage our relationship. I give her a necklace and a plushie of an anime character that she wanted because I knew she wouldn't be around to see me on her birthday, I get one last goodbye kiss before she leaves for the airport...


I never hear from her again, I guess I'm not her boyfriend either... to this day I still wish her luck on her dream of becoming a nurse. Skip forward to October... good news finally comes in the form of my brother's friends inviting me to join their convention group for an anime convention on new year's. I accept, much to the chagrin of my brother and it brings me a new set of friends including a girl I somewhat develop a crush on (I'll call her, Nikki). I somehow manage to make it to the convention and yet spend most of the time alone because I couldn't afford a share in the hotel room... I leave early because of this and I miss many opportunities to show Nikki that I like her more than a friend. On the final day of the convention though, I sat with her while she waited for the group to gather. I saw her fall asleep and thought it was kind of cute... when I saw some perverts trying to mess with her and sneak pictures of her in costume, I became her bodyguard and she never knew.


It is now 2012, I am 22 years old as of Jan 11th... Things still aren't going as good as I would like with Nikki. I still hate my father, my uncle is staying in my parents house along with my grandma who finally flew in yesterday, my sister is starting to think she's a ruler in the house because of her studies and work, and my brother is starting to follow in my shadow of being a depressing asshole... I cannot find a job and college classes are a little too expensive for my mom to loan me money. I'm somewhat happy because of my small group of friends... but I am mostly miserable because of the time I spend alone while they study and stuff. I would be more than happy to elaborate on any point in history that I've shared if you want more details... I kind of skimmed through a lot.

(I apologize for how late this is, I intended for it to be done before my "Story Arc" post... I've updated this response with new information regarding my living conditions and I originally intended to talk about my Spring Break troubles every year but I felt that I should just share that another time. I also apologize for the TL:DR)

[Ax Maverick]

Wanderingheartache, your story is... I don't really know what to say. I admire how you have kept strong after those things, and I know the frustration of not being able to do anything despite your anger or sadness. But keep in mind, it's all these things what makes us strong, this is why we are still standing tall... I can only say, keep hopes up, never lose hope. Yes, people just say this things that are sometimes useless, words that sound pretty but change nothing. Fuck the cynicals, if you are strong enough to endure all that and not thinking about suicide once (or you didn't mention it) proves that you're strong enough to endure all the things that are to come, and still keep going forward. You'll soon get a job and make money for the university, but nothing will just come from nowhere. Everyone meets their hope someday.