Inspiration

[Rafix]

Let me start off by saying that I have a hard time with words, but since I can change what I type at any given moment and I go over everything I put down here every other minute, due to the fact that I try to make as much sense as I can, it probably won't turn out as bad as I'm thinking it will, also, I can't believe I'm going to post this, I'm not really one to share most of my thoughts and emotions with strangers, but I feel like I have to get this off my chest, plus it doesn't hurt to see all the people who have already shared their thoughts and emotions. To top this part of my post off I would like to thank Four Leaf Studios for making such a thought provoking game.

For the past few years, beginning a short while before I turned thirteen, I started drawing, writing, and reading less and less. I guess I could blame it on puberty, but I'm not sure. Honestly, it felt like everything in the world sucked, that I didn't really have much of a future ahead of me other than doing something I hated, which really scared me. I started telling myself my art was terrible more than I use too, and that everything I wrote was too boring or soppy, which I've always had problems with putting myself down but not to this extent. Hell, even now I criticize myself in most of the things I do, like what I'm typing at this very moment for example.

I started to immerse myself in anime, wishing that I could draw as well as the creators of whatever I was watching at the time, instead of making it a reality, which pushed me further and further into my despair. I also started to get attached to certain characters and when the time came that I had to say goodbye, it didn't exactly help either. Now, most of what I watched usually had quite a bit of romance, which I've never really told anyone before, but I usually get depressed because I "couldn't" have that kind of relationship myself. I eventually met a girl when I was around the age of fourteen. We had been going out for almost a year when I got small, unintentional hints that she had been cheating on me, which I was obviously hurt and I just suddenly stopped talking to her. I haven't talked to her since. I stayed more or less the same, loathing lots of things over the next year or so until I found Katawa Shoujo.

At first glance, I didn't think much of it, I thought I would just watch the path the person I was watching followed. When he met Rin, I immediately became interested in her, just from the way she looked and acted. After a while I finally gave in and downloaded the game, I skipped through a lot of the first act, seeing as I had seen most of it already. Once I started learning more and more about Rin, I started feeling like I was a lot like her and a lot like Hisao too, not being able to decide what to draw and whatnot. I slowly started to go from being interested in Rin, to being in love with her, without my knowing. I know some of you might think it's silly or strange for me to fall in love with a fictional character, but I couldn't help it.

During the second arc and Third arc, I too started to become angrier and angrier with Rin, I didn't know why I couldn't understand her better, I wanted so desperately to so that I could feel closer to her, which was obviously impossible. I didn't understand why after all that we had gone through, she didn't want me to visit her. It threw me off. I had really felt attached to her and I was so confused. Then what happened, happened, and I started to fall back in love with her, finally understanding the reasons for what she did and said. I realize now though, that it probably wasn't good for me to get so attached like that. After the ending though, all I can say is that I felt whole, but hollow at the same time. I wanted to go on with the story, to learn what happens afterwards, but I guess it's honestly left for me to decide what I want to have happened. I've slowly started to lose my appetite, which I don't know how that would happen because of this, it probably isn't though but I have barely eaten anything for the past few days and it's a little scary too. Anyway I also started to think more and more about what I want with my life, and if what I've aspired to do is really what I want either. I'm thinking more about the fact that I want to change myself back into who I was or maybe even something better, even though I know it will take a while and a lot of hard work. I still feel sad that I can't share any new experiences with Rin, but hopeful that I may someday be lucky enough to find that perfect girl for me.

I still feel hopeless at times and get uninspired, more than likely because of my surroundings (I don't really like my school to be honest.) I think what I'm going to do for now is work on my drawings and start working out, so I feel more alive than I do now, seeing as there isn't much I can do socially, or at least I think. I'm hoping once I head to college, I meet new people, and can leave behind the people I despise that I call my "friends." It's probably not a good thing to not like my friends, but I sort of feel like I have to deal with it, it isn't like I always hated them after all. I don't know if they are the ones who have changed, or if maybe, I am the one who has changed. Maybe I'm just afraid to leave them behind, I am afraid of some kinds of change. Maybe I can get help about this, who knows, I wish I had help, but I'm to afraid to ask anymore. When I do, I'm usually blown off.

I don't know why I'm sharing this with whoever has read this, in a way, I feel better at least sharing this. Oh well. Thanks for listening/reading anyways, I'm not quite sure what to use here. Thus ending a sixteen year old guys three hour long deep thought and typing.

[newnar]

You + 4 years of social suffering, broken hopes, getting hurt, escapism through gaming, self-hate, paranoia and really bad migraines = where I am now.

[ivegottogodosomthing]

I don't much to say in response, other than I read the whole thing, and I wish you luck in the future. This game has convinced myself and many others to take control of life, and I hope it did the same for you. Life is only hopeless if we make it that way.

[FrédéricKarateChopin]

You'd be surprised at how many people feel the same as you, myself included

[Daitengu]

The people that draw the art in the anime you see and are envious of take a dozen steps to get there. from rough draft, to draft, to outline, to scanning, to touch up, to color, to shading. Those people also probably have spent more time drawing than you've been alive. Pro-tip on art. Think of everything you're doin is practice(you'll feel much less frustration). Don't skip rough drafts to get the general proportions and flow of your work. Use the drafts to revise, and improve before you do final line drawings. Draw the exact same thing from scratch a half dozen times. You'll always notice improvement from the first to the sixth time. Don't be afraid of taking 6 hours to draw something. Hell most fine art paintings and sculptures take weeks to months, sometimes even years. I remember Leonardo Da Vinci once said,"Art is never finished, only abandoned." If one of the greatest artists of all time can say that, don't get beat up over something you see as bad, just get it to good enough and move along aiming to do better. More Da Vinci quotes if ya want em. some good stuff in there.

I think you'd get past a lot of your depression if you understand that good things take time and determination. Giving up all the time feels worse than trying and failing. Simply because one can give up on tons more things in the same amount of time It takes to try and fail. Take it from a guy who's been depressed for as long as you've been alive. Hell, just coming up with something that might make me happy took decades, and I'm not even sure I will be. Trying and failing hurts more initially and is frustrating, but it hurts less in the long run, because failing is easier to shrug off than guilt of quitting. That guilt lingers for a long time. Atleast for me.

Adults tend to see kids/teens as inferior. Something to protect from the world instead of getting them to understand it. And most people(adult and kid alike) tend to be too busy being self centered to help someone else. There's one thing I've found out while depressed though. It never feels bad to help someone else. Even if I don't particularly feel happy or glad about it, I never feel bad. Sure I bitch and moan while doing it. lol I'd still rather do it than not, because I have felt guilt for NOT helping others. Perhaps you could give helping others a shot to distract you from your pain while you work out things in your head. Who knows you might get addicted to the smile and thanks received.

There's 'buddies' then there's true friends. Buddies want to have fun with you that's all. True friends got your back covered, while you cover theirs. Buddies don't care about your depression or feelings, they just want to have fun, with or without you. True friends will hear you out, offer help, and will want to be heard themselves and want to be offered help. Sounds like you got buddies. Keep an eye out for true friends. they are a far rarer breed. They are work, but they are worth it. There's also the regular"friends' as an in-between, of the two previous friend types. They'll pick you up and dust you off, but aren't really that pillar of support. Good for a pinch or helping move things, but don't expect them to help you with major life problems. Know the difference in expectation from them, and you won't put more value in them than they deserve. Which also allows you to not be annoyed by your buddies, even though you're looking for a true friend.

[Hitman3256]

Rafix you and me are on the same boat, buddy. Mostly because we're the same age -.-
But I have come to terms with my...um...situation I guess you can call it.
You and I feel the same way about our "friends", and while I certainly don't despise them, I wouldn't care if I never saw them again either.
I'm glad you found attraction in Rin's personality :) Honestly she's the only girl I don't like, I think she's a pretty cool girl, but I couldn't get attached to her even if I tried. I can't handle her way of thinking...
I don't like my school either man, but like I've said: I've come to terms with my situation in life, so I'm really like just "whatever" about it; I just wanna move on to college and continue the rest of my life, preferably with a female partner, but if not, oh well.

As for criticizing your own work whether you think it's good enough....man up! You make what you can and you present that shit everywhere like it's your baby. The way it turns out to be is the way you made it, sure you'll have to tweak it and change it as you create your work, but in the end people will have to accept it for what it is because that's how it was meant to be, whatever you made.

You're with friends here :) even if we're all completely strangers, wanna know why? Because we're all saps who fell for a game about dating cripples. Sure, we dont say it that bluntly, but it's understood, and your situation is understood, and everyone is accepted because we can all sympathize. Every now and then you'll get a wildcard story about someone's life (and by wildcard I mean a really really really sad story), and it'll leave you thinking. What am I compared to him? He's had it rough, I shouldn't be complaining.
Personally, I dont think my own life can change unless by some miracle, whether I win the lottery, fall in a coma, or get called to an intergalactic tournament. My life doesn't suck, it's just very boring -.- and I haven't been happy for the longest time. But...whatever.

My advice: dont fret too much :) just be Rin and become Zen, go with the flow and chill until you have control over what you want to do with your life, then things will become interesting. At least thats what I think, but in my case I dont have any special skills or anything so I'll probably move on in the martial arts department or something, but I dunno, and Im not gonna worry about it.

In the words of the future savior of the earth from the hands of feminist clutches: take care of yourself man.

[Rafix]

The people that draw the art in the anime you see and are envious of take a dozen steps to get there. from rough draft, to draft, to outline, to scanning, to touch up, to color, to shading. Those people also probably have spent more time drawing than you've been alive. Pro-tip on art. Think of everything you're doin is practice(you'll feel much less frustration). Draw the exact same thing from scratch a half dozen times. You'll always notice improvement from the first to the sixth time. Don't be afraid of taking 6 hours to draw something. Hell most fine art paintings and sculptures take weeks to months, sometimes even years. I remember Leonardo da Vinci once said,"Art is never finished, only abandoned." If one of the greatest artists of all time can say that, don't get beat up over something you see as bad, just get it to good enough and move along aiming to do better.

Trust me, I know it takes a lot of time to really get good at something, I'm just only really finding that out. Also, I'll take your advice on drawing things over and over and taking my time with it, that has always been one of the harder things for me since I don't really have much free time, but I'm definitely going to work harder on this over the next few years.

Adults tend to see kids/teens as inferior. Something to protect from the world instead of getting them to understand it. And most people(adult and kid alike) tend to be too busy being self centered to help someone else. There's one thing I've found out while depressed though. It never feels bad to help someone else. Even if I don't particularly feel happy or glad about it, I never feel bad. Sure I bitch and moan while doing it. lol I'd still rather do it than not, because I have felt guilt for NOT helping others. Perhaps you could give helping others a shot to distract you from your pain while you work out things in your head. Who knows you might get addicted to the smile and thanks received.

That's one thing that I kind of do naturally. If someone asks for help, I can't really turn them down. Thing is, most people don't usually thank me or smile. But yeah, I guess all I can really say here is it's the same for me so far.

There's 'buddies' then there's true friends. Buddies want to have fun with you that's all. True friends got your back covered, while you cover theirs. Buddies don't care about your depression or feelings, they just want to have fun, with or without you. True friends will hear you out, offer help, and will want to be heard themselves and want to be offered help. Sounds like you got buddies. Keep an eye out for true friends. they are a far rarer breed. They are work, but they are worth it. There's also the regular"friends' as an in-between, of the two previous friend types. They'll pick you up and dust you off, but aren't really that pillar of support. Good for a pinch or helping move things, but don't expect them to help you with major life problems. Know the difference in expectation from them, and you won't put more value in them than they deserve. Which also allows you to not be annoyed by your buddies, even though you're looking for a true friend.

I've never really thought of it like this and I get what you mean. The only problem for me is that when I think I find a true friend, they are pretty much just buddies or those "regular friends" that you mentioned. I think it's probably because we don't really have much in common between us to be completely honest, or maybe I expect too much out of some people :/

In the long run, I do plan on making my life better, even if it is just little steps at a time, it is better than doing nothing after all. It's just those times when I get in that mood that are really hard for me, right now I'm not though, I'm actually pretty pumped and happy.

Thanks for the reply and tips though!

[Daitengu]

As for criticizing your own work whether you think it's good enough....man up! You make what you can and you present that shit everywhere like it's your baby.

/facepalm

That's like telling a kid who just learned how to walk and scrapped his knee to man up and run. Doesn't help anybody, and makes you look like an ass. You could atleast give actual art advice.

Art requires alot of experience for an artist to have confidence. Even the ones with talent require it. The experiments and practice art don't get shown in a gallery. Showing off the work of an amateur still learning and not emotionally ready is a great way to cause them to snap and quit. I remember getting laughed at cause people mocked my practice and experiments. Hell my best friend laughed, and he's was terrible at drawing. Never drew anything since. That's one route I never pursued, even when I was better than 95% of everyone else. Teens are real dicks.

Trust me, I know it takes a lot of time to really get good at something, I'm just only really finding that out. Also, I'll take your advice on drawing things over and over and taking my time with it, that has always been one of the harder things for me since I don't really have much free time, but I'm definitely going to work harder on this over the next few years.

You'll notice you start drawing faster as well as better each time you draw the same thing too.

I've never really thought of it like this and I get what you mean. The only problem for me is that when I think I find a true friend, they are pretty much just buddies or those "regular friends" that you mentioned. I think it's probably because we don't really have much in common between us to be completely honest, or maybe I expect too much out of some people :/

In the long run, I do plan on making my life better, even if it is just little steps at a time, it is better than doing nothing after all. It's just those times when I get in that mood that are really hard for me, right now I'm not though, I'm actually pretty pumped and happy.

Thanks for the reply and tips though!

It's more of giving you an idea of the stages and expectations of friendship. They always start as buddies, some graduate to friends, the even fewer top out as true friends. If you stagger your expectations to more fit with the person you are befriending, you'll be able to curb or even not have disappointment when they don't advance in the stages.

Sure thing. I just happened to have art class for 6 years, with 2 years of architecture/drafting, and some experience in having a bad life growing up.

[Rafix]

You and I feel the same way about our "friends", and while I certainly don't despise them, I wouldn't care if I never saw them again either.

I don't exactly despise them all, but there's a select few who really piss me off. I don't know if they just don't think I'm cool enough to hang out with in public, or maybe they just try to be funny by making me feel bad, whether it be mentally or physically. But I wouldn't mind if I never saw them ever again too.

I'm glad you found attraction in Rin's personality Honestly she's the only girl I don't like, I think she's a pretty cool girl, but I couldn't get attached to her even if I tried. I can't handle her way of thinking...

I guess I can understand what you mean, like I said, I think I know how Rin feels (Or did I say that? I'm not sure) and I just really thought about what she said, I took my time with her, overall I think I took about two weeks to finish her story (Irl) and around seven hours in game mostly thinking way to hard about it, haha

I don't like my school either man, but like I've said: I've come to terms with my situation in life, so I'm really like just "whatever" about it; I just wanna move on to college and continue the rest of my life, preferably with a female partner, but if not, oh well.

You are definitely not alone on this one, man. Same exact way I feel about it, although I would at least hope to eventually find love. Maybe I'm just a bit to big on the idea of having someone to love and whatnot.

As for criticizing your own work whether you think it's good enough....man up! You make what you can and you present that shit everywhere like it's your baby. The way it turns out to be is the way you made it, sure you'll have to tweak it and change it as you create your work, but in the end people will have to accept it for what it is because that's how it was meant to be, whatever you made.

Not gonna lie, the baby part made me laugh

You're with friends here even if we're all completely strangers, wanna know why? Because we're all saps who fell for a game about dating cripples. Sure, we dont say it that bluntly, but it's understood, and your situation is understood, and everyone is accepted because we can all sympathize.

This is honestly the reason I decided to post here in the first place and not somewhere else

Personally, I dont think my own life can change unless by some miracle, whether I win the lottery, fall in a coma, or get called to an intergalactic tournament. My life doesn't suck, it's just very boring -.- and I haven't been happy for the longest time. But...whatever.

I don't know your exact situation, but like I've learned over the past week, you shouldn't give up all hope.

On a side note, I wouldn't mind being called to an intergalactic tournament, lol

My advice: dont fret too much just be Rin and become Zen, go with the flow and chill until you have control over what you want to do with your life, then things will become interesting. At least thats what I think, but in my case I dont have any special skills or anything so I'll probably move on in the martial arts department or something, but I dunno, and Im not gonna worry about it.

That's how I've been trying to approach things lately, completely calm and collected, but I'm not the greatest at it, I'm still working hard to get there though.

I've gotta say though, you can't really be sure if you don't have a special skill. I mean hell, you might be really good at wrestling gorillas or sleeping contests (Unless you have tried both, then what I just said doesn't exactly work.)
In all seriousness though, I would try things and see if you like them, unless you like martial arts, but I'm not you, so I can't really say.

In the words of the future savior of the earth from the hands of feminist clutches: take care of yourself man.

Haha, I can't say I've had him say that to me or not yet, to tired for that. But I will definitely do so.

Well, I'm gonna go to sleep now, unlike I did earlier. Thank you for what you said, and good luck with your life, my friend.

[Hitman3256]

As for criticizing your own work whether you think it's good enough....man up! You make what you can and you present that shit everywhere like it's your baby.

/facepalm

That's like telling a kid who just learned how to walk and scrapped his knee to man up and run. Doesn't help anybody, and makes you look like an ass. You could atleast give actual art advice.

Art requires alot of experience for an artist to have confidence. Even the ones with talent require it. The experiments and practice art don't get shown in a gallery. Showing off the work of an amateur still learning and not emotionally ready is a great way to cause them to snap and quit. I remember getting laughed at cause people mocked my practice and experiments. Hell my best friend laughed, and he's was terrible at drawing. Never drew anything since. That's one route I never pursued, even when I was better than 95% of everyone else. Teens are real dicks.

Really? And I was starting to like you -.-

No matter, Rafix understood me, and it seems we have a mutual understanding, and that's the important thing. Who's the dick now, Daitengu? ^^ Hehehe

Alls I was trying to say is don't fell ashamed by what you make. Who cares if it's amateur? Even better, because there's the potential there to improve.

Hell I would tell a kid to man up, gotta run before you can walk right? What're you gonna do, sit there and console the kid? "It's okay, take baby steps." Yeah that's ok and all, but he's not gonna learn anything. Next time it happens he'll just cry again rather than stand up, dust himself off, and move on (to put a bandaid on).

If you can't take criticism, good or bad, doesnt matter at what stage, level, or experience of art you're at then you shouldn't really be an artist. (this isn't directed at anyone specifically, it's just what I've observed)

Personally, my skill as an artist has deteriorated ever since like...6th grade. I had a huge imagination and I was a mean pastel painter >:D now, ironically like/unlike Hisao, the only thing I'm good for is mixing paints (like a pro) and sketching, sort of.

But that's what I think. And I went on a tangent. Pardon. Ima go to bed too -.- got an essay to write first period.

[Daitengu]

When you're.. emotionally unbalance, as puberty tends to go, add depression on it and you get someone that can't take much. Word criticism the wrong way and you break em. Some lash out even violently, some fight to do better, but I was one of those that quit things all together and balled up in a corner.

[Rafix]

When you're.. emotionally unbalance, as puberty tends to go, add depression on it and you get someone that can't take much. Word criticism the wrong way and you break em. Some lash out even violently, some fight to do better, but I was one of those that quit things all together and balled up in a corner.

Well, it's always different for me, I may want to improve or I may want to just sit in a corner discouraged, which it's usually the latter. Honestly though, it depends on how I feel at the time. It does help that some people at the table I sit at in art have started complimenting me on my drawings, although my teacher says I take my time and I should try to go faster, which I don't really care. Like you said, I'm probably going to take my time on what I do, unless it's that important.

[Rafix]

It's like I'm stuck in this limbo - I want to do all these things, travel round the world, meet that perfect girl, you know, all that good shit. But I can't because I'm too young. So instead I just keep dreaming, and escape from the repetitive, monotony that is life as a high school student in the mundane country of England.

Of course this dreaming only works as a temporal solution to a growing sense of despair and depression. I mean my life is ok? But it's the fact that it could be so much more that annoys me.

Haven't thought of it as limbo before, but that's basically how I feel, although I'd much rather travel and live in Europe for the most part. Yeah, it really does suck being young, I honestly, like I said, want to travel after college. It may sound a bit cheesy, but kind of as a way to find myself.

But in recent months I've had something of an epiphany, with high school coming to a close, and a new start with Collage. I kinda realized that shit is only gonna get better - but only if I do the ground work now. That ideal is sorta reflected in my stupidly worded signature.

So as far as inspiration goes? I'm not really inspired by anyone or anything. I see aspiration as a move powerful driving force, as you motivate yourself. Yes it does sound selfish, and yes it is. But how do you expect to support those around you, if you are not stable yourself? Bettering yourself, so that you may better those around you. That's my redeeming logic in all this.

Sadly, I still have a little over two years until I'm out of High school, but I'm hoping my Junior year of school will be better. I'm probably going to try and put myself out there more.
Don't worry about your signature either, I like it
For the inspiration, I just think about what I can be, and hopefully, the family I might have

Oh and I feel the same way when ever I write or compose. I always think my work is shite, even when people tell me otherwise. I can never seem to feel absolutely satisfied with any of my music pieces; and I guess it's because I think I'm gonna get it right first time, which is very arrogant of me, but it's just the way I am. Only now am I learning to accept that my first lot of compositions are gonna be complete and utter crap - and that's ok. My old man told me that if I'm ever to succeed, I'm gonna have to fail first. But it's practice, patience, perseverance that will eventually pay off. I think it's all about accepting the crapness, not dwelling on it, and trying again until your happy. Well that's how I feel anyways; don't know if the same applies to drawing - but I wish you the best with your en-devours

What genre of music do you compose? Hope you don't mind if I could check it out.
Honestly, it's like that with most everything, in my opinion. You aren't gonna be born the next Leonardo da Vinci (I have a big interest in him, don't ask, lol) or Albert Einstein, which I know that isn't what you were implying, but still. Also, I think the biggest thing that discourages me is the same as what you said, I think what I'm making is gonna be the greatest thing ever, then turns out just to be a couple of ugly scribbles, though sometimes I do have those moments where I make something that I think is great.