Although some of the dialog seems a tad off with lines like "... you might start looking down upon me again, like how you used to." I just don't see Hanako using the word "upon" in normal conversation. Totally makes sense when she's writing stuff like that, but to me it seems a little OOC when she says it aloud. I also noticed a couple of typos but I'm on my way out the door so I don't have time to scan for them at the moment. Other than that it's another great Hanako story.
It's cute. I especially liked Hanako's reaction to Hisao's letter; it's nice to see her show some edge.
My major criticism is that the overall voice is kind of uneven, with some sentences reading very naturally, while others feel affectedly formal or wordy. It doesn't bother me too much in the case of the letters, since, well, that's how I wrote when I was 18 years old and trying very hard to be sincere. When it comes to the narration, though, it can get iffy to have the POV character oscillating between lines like, "But it’s probably better to be straightforward; if I were to dance around the point instead of attacking it head-on, he might see it as shyness or weakness, like some kind of passive-aggressive rhetoric," (with semicolons and correct use of the subjunctive and everything!) and, "I guess so. Even if it’s not great, it’s the best I could do." As a high-school senior, I used a lot of vocab words and long compound sentences in my writing, but I sure didn't think like that.
I see him leaning in to kiss me, and I am -almost magnetically- attracted to his face as well.
We spend a good minute or two in that position, before he pulls back with an expectant look on his face.
The way this was constructed, I couldn't shake the mental image of them almost but not quite kissing for two minutes, and then there being some kind of, "But I was waiting for YOU to kiss ME!" punchline. Which I think is hilarious, but obviously isn't what you intended.
CNB wrote: It doesn't bother me too much in the case of the letters, since, well, that's how I wrote when I was 18 years old and trying very hard to be sincere.
This was intentional.
CNB wrote: When it comes to the narration, though, it can get iffy to have the POV character oscillating between lines like,
This was not. I'll need to change a thing or two here.
CNB wrote:
The way this was constructed, I couldn't shake the mental image of them almost but not quite kissing for two minutes, and then there being some kind of, "But I was waiting for YOU to kiss ME!" punchline. Which I think is hilarious, but obviously isn't what you intended.
Neither was this, obviously. A kiss is supposed to actually happen there, but maybe I just decided I'd leave it up to the reader's imagination and then forgot about it.
Robnonymous wrote:I just don't see Hanako using the word "upon" in normal conversation.
And this is a result of posting getting the story out the door 1 minute before Valentine's Day ends.
I enjoyed this; I thought it was kinda cute. But I like your work anyway, so maybe I'm being biased As for critique, I don't rummage for inconsistencies or mistakes in texts, so I have no negative feedback per say. But as you love criticism, one line did annoy me a wee bit:
If what I say next does not bore you, then I am partially to blame for that.
I had to read over it a couple of times to get what it meant, and it just seems slightly confusing. To me, saying something along the lines of "if what I say next bores you, then it's not my fault." sounds better. But even then it still seems a tad confusing (to me anyway) as it doesn't really seem to fit what was being said in the letter.
“Hello… It feels like it's been a while… doesn't it?”
“For me? Not particularly. But I suppose you might see things differently, depending on what's been happening lately… Speaking of, is there anything you'd like to talk about specifically this time? Remember, this can go in any direction that you'd like, but we can refer back to the guiding questions if we have to.”
“W-well…”
“I see what looks like a smile on your face. Good news?”
“Yeah. Most certainly. I… I have a boyfriend now.”
“That sounds like good news to me! Is this the same boy you mentioned earlier?”
“Mmhmm. We've been together for… a little more than a month, now.”
“Over a month, huh? I feel like I’d liked to have known this earlier, but with our appointments getting farther and farther apart… Hah!”
“Yeah, he's… probably to blame for that.”
“Ahahahaha! What a shame, am I right?!”
eager to talk about her new boyfriend; no prompt was given
“So, if you don't mind me asking… have you been getting practice with verbal communication? I mean, it sounds like it. Heh, I remember the girl who I was first introduced to. She would never speak unless prodded constantly, and when she did, it was borderline unintelligible. It was incredibly quiet and riddled with stutters and pauses. She eventually grew a little more comfortable around me, but if I didn't see her right here, I would not believe that the girl sitting before me is the same one from those days long ago.”
“Yes, I think I have been getting more practice… It's nice to be able to talk with him about… things…”
“Things?”
“Well, it's not always just about me and my problems, but him, and his problems too. It’s like… we can really confide in each other.”
less prone to pausing and stuttering
“That's good to hear. So… there's one thing in particular I know a lot of people your age are interested in.”
“…S-sex, right?”
“You got it. Now, I respect your privacy enough to say this: if you don't want to talk about you and your boyfriend in regard to this, I won't make you. But remember, I won't use anything you tell me here to hurt you. And we indentified trust issues as one of the things you're facing, right? So I’d really like it if this could be an apex where we could turn this around. Do you understand what I’m saying here?”
“Y-yes, I think I do.”
“So, I there anything you’d like to say?”
“Uh, things are going… good.”
“Just good?”
“Well…”
“If you don't want to go into the details, you don't have to.”
“No, it's not that, it's just… we do it quite often, and I sometimes think we may have started too early.”
“That’s not something you should be ashamed of, Hanako. If you love him and he loves you, there's nothing wrong with getting intimate.”
“I… I guess…”
“So I take it that your encounters are at least agreeable?”
“Oh, uh, yes. We've… done some experimenting, which is alright, but a lot of the time we just go back to what works. The new things we try aren’t always that great, but… I think it's worthwhile, and I wouldn't give it up.”
“Experimenting is a nice habit to get into, or so I’d think. It helps you establish boundaries and find what works for both of you.”
appears to have found a healthy adolescent sex drive
“Now, if you'll excuse the unprofessionalism for a moment… Ahem, me and my wife did a lot of that sort of thing when we were young. It was part of what me love her so much. Back then, I figured that I was enamored with the wild kinky sex, but now that I’m older, I can say with certainty that there's one thing above all else that I gained from it. It meant that we trusted each other. And some twenty years later, I think that trust is still alive and kicking. I hope you’ll be able to say the same one day.”
“I… There’s also one thing I’d like to say. I’m sorry. I… I know it must have frustrated you to hear me saying ‘I can’t do it’ all the time, and… that one outburst…”
“Oh, that’s not a problem. After so many years of being a therapist, I got used to hearing that sort of thing. More often than not, it’s just some illusion brought on by a lack of faith, in oneself and in others.”
“…Yeah, I think so.”
“You should. You’re probably one of my shining examples, you know that?”
…
“Anyway, I think this session is concluded for now. It was nice seeing you.”
“Alright… it was nice to see you too. Bye…”
“Goodbye, Hanako.”
closing comment-
prognosis: favorable
Last edited by Brogurt on Mon Jul 09, 2012 12:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
stanman237 wrote:
Funny how people change with time, what happened during Mendacium again?
I am standing by the statement that Incense of Lavender did not contain smut, but sexually inclined storytelling. Technically I am in the process of writing a fic that would classify as little more than a fapfic with some DAW's and laughs, but that will probably get slapped in a pastebin so that I can retain the integrity of my statement
No need to keep track of my things barring the few pencils in my pocket, a lesson that is automatically going to be more interesting than one of Mutou’s lectures, and the simple pleasure of inactivity. Granted, Mutou often has us complete a worksheet during the movie, but I still feel light as a feather when I hear the words “Next class will be a movie day, so don’t bother bringing your books.”
In my stride, I very nearly decide to kick open the doors the main hall, but I remember just in time that they open outwards instead of inwards. I guess I should be thankful that I saved myself from such an embarrassing injury.
Once I make my spectacularly boring entrance, I notice quite the pleasant sight before me. Hanako’s already here, on her way to Class 3-3, hasn’t noticed me, and there’s nary another student around. Now would be a great chance to give her a little surprise- by stealing my way up to her side and taking hold of her hand.
…Um, which hand should I take?
It’s going to have to be her right or her left, but I can’t decide which. Obviously, this wouldn’t be an issue if one of her hands wasn’t scarred. If she were perfectly symmetrical, it simply wouldn’t matter. But now I have to make a choice, and I don’t want to send the wrong message.
Wracked by this sudden anxiety, I can’t bring myself to make a choice, and instead divert to the safest route.
Neither.
So I awkwardly follow her to the classroom. Unsurprisingly, there’s nobody else in the room. Hanako notices me, and then her eyes flicker back and forth, scanning the room. She then blows me a kiss out of the blue, with a bashful look on her face. It takes me by surprise, and I rush to send one back in kind, but it doesn’t feel satisfactory, given the opportunity I missed back there. Damn, this is depressing.
Gradually and uneventfully, the class fills up with students, Mutou hands out the worksheets, and soon the movie begins. I feel like I should have made some conversation with Hanako prior to the movie starting, but I feel like I’ve been inexplicably jarred by what happened in the hall. Or rather, what didn’t happen.
During the opening credits, something jabs the side of my arm, and I find a note with something scribbled on it lying on the corner of my desk.
You look sad. What’s the matter?
I turn to the most obvious assailant, a certain drill-haired rapscallion, and find her looking expectantly at me. Not willing to talk over the movie, I write my response on the sheet of paper.
What makes you say that?
And pass it back to Misha.
She takes a moment to look it over, and gives it back to me with her reply written below mine. It looks like we’ve established a method of communication.
Wouldn’t you like to know, Hicchan? Maybe if you can guess, Shizune and I will tell you.
Why would you withhold information from me if it is directly related to me? Is this some kind of tease?
The look on Misha’s face gives me the impression that she’s been backed into a corner. She reluctantly writes out her response and gives me back the paper.
We were hoping for you to be more open with us, but alright. Is this about you and Hanako? She looked a little distraught as well today, and don’t forget that Shicchan and I know how you two are.
So does half the school, thanks to you two.
It’s not like you made it particularly transparent or anything. So are you going to answer the question?
I sigh quietly. Maybe I’ve been cornered this entire time.
I guess I came to the realization that I don’t know how to handle her scarring. I mean, which hand of hers should I hold when given the chance? I kind of had a run-in with that obstacle this morning, and I guess she’s feeling the aftermath as well.
Misha taps Shizune's shoulder and shows her the paper, then signs some things to her. Now that I think about it, I hadn't realized how invested Shizune can get when there are actually subtitles for a movie, and she can engage herself without Misha’s discretion. Their conversation continues on for a while, then each of them writes something on the paper and Misha gives it to me.
A couple sentences appear to be written in different handwriting above another response, which is in Misha's usual penmanship… or lack thereof. The former must be Shizune's, and since it is above Misha's reply, I have no issue with reading it first.
You should take her left hand. She won’t get offended if you do so, and you don’t want to seem like some creep with a scar fetish. Let her know you think she’s normal.
Next up is Misha’s writing.
Take her right hand, Hicchan! Doing otherwise would say that you prefer her when she’s unscarred, and that you want her to change for your sake. You’d effectively be alienating a part of her that she can’t change.
Both present a valid argument. I don’t think I can make a decision just yet, so I’ll have to contemplate things some other time.
Alright, thanks for the help, I guess. I’ll make sure to keep what you two said in mind.
Wahaha~! It’s not a problem at all.
Is it really necessary to write out the “Wahaha”?
It’s just what I do, Hicchan.
Almost as if on cue, the bell for lunch rings, and I rush to scribble down some answers to the worksheet as quick as possible. Hanako must have noticed me doing so, because when I look up after finishing, I see that she has already left for the tea room.
I get up out of my chair and head to the tea room as well. Shortly after clearing the doorway, I am centimeters away from being struck by a flying Emi, which doesn’t surprise me as much as it should. What does surprise me is how she immediately decides to start conversation with me after nearly flooring me.
“Hisao, what’s up? I just noticed you there, and you looked depressed about something.”
Am I really wearing my emotions on my sleeve so unknowingly?
“Well, yeah, I was told the same thing already today.”
“Then you’d better spit it out! That can’t be good!”
The way she’s so concerned about me is kind of endearing, but I really should get going…
On the other hand, I could probably use another opinion or two on the matter, and she is once again giving me that puppy-dog look, bouncing up and down on her prosthesis innocently.
“Okay, so me and my girlfriend…”
“Ohhh, Ikezawa, right?”
Goddamn it, Misha. Same goes for you, Shizune.
“Yes, her. I’m… not sure really how to treat the two sides of her. Specifically, holding hands. Like, I can only go with one or the other, and I don’t know which I should aim for.”
“Well, that’s easy.”
“Oh?”
“Alternate! Switch it up! If you’re willing to let things go stale when it comes to something as simple as holding hands, that’s bad news.”
“But if I just alternate between one and then the other, wouldn’t that get equally boring?”
Emi scowls slightly at my assertion.
“You don’t have to switch off after every one. You could do three and then three, or even one and then two and then two and then one, for example.”
“Oh.”
Well now I just feel dumb.
“But Emi, I’m not sure that counting…”
I notice something in my peripheral vision coming this way. Something with short red hair, a slender figure, and a peculiar gait.
Oh, it’s-
“Rin!”
Emi’s observation is markedly more enthusiastic than my own. I was interested in getting a little help with Hanako, but if this takes any longer…
“Hisao needs some advice.”
Oh great.
I casually tune Emi out as she explains the situation to Rin. This is really eating into my lunchtime. I guess Rin was probably heading to meet Emi on the rooftop again for lunch, and bumped into the two of us since I’ve been holding Emi up. Or because Emi’s been holding herself up in order to hold me up. Gah.
“Not everything has to mean something.”
Rin’s statement snaps me out of my trance.
“What?”
She turns to face me.
“Emi says you want to have a reason for picking one hand or the other.”
“Well, no, not really. Maybe I am overcomplicating things.”
“Then why don’t you just do what’s convenient?”
Rin’s bout of clarity surprises both Emi and I. We both remain quiet for a moment, then Emi speaks up.
“But what if you accidentally start favoring one side?”
“Just say it’s an accident. She should understand.”
“Well, I still think he should make it even between them. It can’t be that much work, right? And keeping things fresh is a good idea!”
And now Rin is staring off absentmindedly through one of the nearby windows. I think this conversation has run its course. And I’d better get going soon.
“Okay, well… I think-”
I stop when I see Emi whispering something under her breath with a smile on her face.
“Like anal.”
“What?”
“What?”
“What did you say?”
“I didn't say anything”
“Yes you did.”
“Hisao, I don't see where you're getting the idea that I said something.”
I groan in frustration.
“Alright, whatever, thanks. I’ll be going now; I have a lunch that I need to get to.”
“See ya.”
“Bye.”
“Later.”
I speed up my walk to the tea room a bit to make up for lost time, and soon find myself enjoying a run-of-the-mill lunch with two wonderful girls. Quite the odd contrast.
As a matter of fact, I actually forgot to bring my own lunch today… since I was told not to bring my books. But since I have a girlfriend who likes cooking and a room that kind-of-sort-of belongs to me, her, and Lilly, I was saved from starvation and my taste buds were given a nice surprise to boot. I guess I misjudged her reasons for leaving early, but I certainly approve of this turn of events.
We eventually start up a conversation about different flavors and brands of tea, but I find myself quickly excluded on the simple basis that I have no idea what the hell to say. I am far from being a tea connoisseur. But I’m slightly okay with that, since it gives me more time to focus on wolfing down my meal.
The bell rings, and I am still not yet finished. This really sucks; I was enjoying the food too. I guess this is what happens when I decide to share my problems with the world on the way to lunch.
“Hey, Hanako, you go on ahead. I think I’d like to finish up what I can of all this food. It really is delicious, and I’d hate for it to go to waste.”
Her cheeks turn rosy pink at my comment, and one of those picture-perfect smiles of hers creeps its way onto her face.
“Thanks… It’s nice to know you enjoyed it.”
“I’ll see you later, when I get back to class.”
“Bye…”
In the meantime, it seems that Lilly has taken to cleaning up, by stowing away some of her supplies and washing or disposing of others. As much as I’d hate to slow down things further, I guess I could make use of another opinion. I’m pretty much guaranteed to be late anyway, and if I can get in bites between talking, it couldn’t be that bad.
“Hey, Lilly, I have something to ask you.”
“Alright Hisao, don’t hesitate~.”
She says this with a bit of flair that leads me to believe that she already knows that I’m going to ask about Hanako. I really am obvious, aren’t I?
“Well, now that Hanako and I are officially together…”
“Mmhmm…”
“I think I need some advice when it comes to holding hands. I know it sounds weird, and I mean really weird, but I just realized this morning that I don’t know what to do when the situation comes up. Should I go for her right, or her left? I mean, I guess the situation could apply elsewhere, but still…”
Lilly suppresses a giggle at my last statement. It takes me a moment to realize what she’s thinking of.
“H-hey! That's not…”
“To answer your question from before, Hisao…”
“Oh… right.”
“Why don’t you ask her what she thinks? I don’t think this decision should be made by you and I, or for that matter, by you and anyone but her.”
Her words strike me as enigmatic as first, as if talking with Hanako about an issue like this is some ridiculous impossibility, but then the truth seeps in. Why haven’t I done that? I might need to mull on this for a while longer, but I have a bad feeling about the truth.
“Um, alright… I think I’ll consider it.”
“You sound awfully averse to doing so. Is there a problem?”
“No, not really, it’s just… Alright. I’ll go ask her what she thinks about it.”
“That sounds good. Are you about finished with your food yet?”
“Yeah, I think I’m done. So, you don’t mind staying behind at all?”
“Oh, don’t worry about me. You should be on your way as soon as possible, I think.”
“Okay, then. Thanks for the advice, and I’ll see you later.”
She giggles again.
“Goodbye, Hisao.”
The trip back to class is quiet. It gives me pause to think… All these people with different outlooks on what to do about my predicament. I wonder who else could help me out. Maybe Kenji-
Nope, never mind. I don’t care anymore.
…Unsurprisingly, I make it back to class late. It looks like I missed a little bit of the movie around where we picked up. I’ll have to do something about that later.
After some more time sent watching the movie and jotting down answers, it comes to a close. Mutou takes the time to make an announcement.
“For those of you who are not yet completed with the worksheet, you may spend the rest of the class in groups of no more than three, helping each other out with any questions you may have missed.”
My gaze immediately meets Hanako’s, and I immediately take a vacant seat next to her. We busy ourselves with sharing and double-checking some answers, but then I remember my commitment. It’s now or never.
“Hey, Hanako, there’s something I think I’ve been meaning to ask you.”
“Okay…”
“Well, I think I’m at odds with myself when it comes to your… scarred and unscarred sides. Just this morning, I saw you walking in the hallway, and I wanted to take hold of one of your hands as a surprise. But I couldn’t decide which, and I figured that if I picked wrong, I might offend you. So, I guess what I’m asking is this… What do you want?”
“Well, truthfully…”
Hanako turn to me, taking both my hands in hers.
“You mean the world to me… You know that, right? That’s not going to change if you were to ‘pick the wrong hand’ somehow. You already make me feel as if my scarring has disappeared.”
“I…”
Am cut short by the bell ringing.
“Well, it looks like I’ll have to stay behind to finish this up. I guess being late made me miss part of the movie, and the questions that went with it.
“Want my sheet? Just make sure to turn them both in when you're done.”
“Don’t mind if I do~”
“I’m going to head outside; it's kind of stuffy in here. You’ll catch up, right?”
“Yeah, see you outside.”
As odd as it sounds, it was kind of easy to ask her. I feel pretty stupid now, for thinking that I had to pussyfoot my way around the situation. Jeez, I really need to learn how to be upfront with her instead of thinking she’s made of glass. Maybe this shall serve as a lesson to me. I think I’d like that.
I scrawl the answers to the questions that I missed onto my own paper, changing a little bit of the wording to suit my needs, and then slap the two papers on the front desk, in the pile with the rest of them.
I don’t think she could have gotten far, and once I exit the classroom, my suspicions are confirmed. This… seems like déjà vu. Hanako is making her way to the building’s exit, hasn’t noticed me, carries nothing in either hand, and there is nobody else in sight.
Which hand? Which hand? Left or right?
Left?
Or?
Right?
…
…
…
I stalk my way up to her, and then throw both my arms around her in a surprise hug.
As for critique, I don't rummage for inconsistencies or mistakes in texts, so I have no negative feedback per say. But as you love criticism, one line did annoy me a wee bit:
