A sad story, my story

[TheLastMelody]

I am here to tell my story, dont ask why, I just feel like I have to.

It all began(at least I think it was then) when I was 6-7 years and got diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger, I didnt know what to think, I mean, I was not going to change just because I had some kind of "disease".

Oh how wrong I was.

I started getting sent to special facilities for people with mental "problems". I didnt get why I was sent there, I mean, I surely had no need to be there? Mom, being as overprotective as she was/is meant that it was absolutely neccessary for my health.

She may have been right, it would probably be the best in many cases, but not mine.

I meet some unique people there, made a friend or two, then mom decided that I was "cured"(at least to the degree that one can be cured of Asperger), so she stopped sending me there. I was a bit sad at that, I had been there for about 1 or 2 years, seen people come and go, said "good bye" too many and "hello" to almost just as many, this made me realise the fleetingness of human relationships.

Now that I was no longer being sent there, I was at home, doing nothing but thinking. I had no friends, had no interests in anything, I just "was". A lot of time passed and I spent my time reading books and doing little else. Looking back at it now, I wonder why she just let me be. Then years passed, with me doing little and next to nothing. It seems that she then thought that it was not good for my health to do nothing but read, so she started sending me to new institutions, with other people. By now I was not interested in any of the people there, I just kept to myself. Even more so after my dad did suicide, because then I started thinking about why he did it. It quickly became an unhealthy amount of thinking.

Some years after that, my grandma died, and I got to see the ugliness of human nature, when my uncles and cousins were all fighting over the inheritance, they literally quarreled for years. The quarrel officially ended December 26th 2010

Naturally, this worried the staff a little, so they recommended putting me on a project of theirs; a socializing trip to Coopenhagen in Denmark. Mom happily(I think) said yes. Now, this being a project, was not entirely without cons(or minuses), we had to attend several lessons about using iPhone's and MacBook's as navigational equipement. We were all GIVEN a free MacBook and a free iPhone, and went to Denmark, of course the parents(parent, in my case) of each child went too.

We went to schools(too make a presentation about our homes in norway), tivolies and resturants and probably other places that I dont care enough about to remember.

The only difference that actually mattered to me when we were in Denmark, was where we ate.

I dont remember much more from the trip, it was prabably boring either ways.

When we got home, I realized that I had read out almost all the books in the fantasy(being the only genre I cared reading) section of the library. This made me a bit depressed, so I thought I would start playing RPG's(didn't know it was called that by then), so I googled "free games for mac" on my new MacBook. This yielded mostly results in the form of forum posts, one of them mentioned Katawa Shoujo and gave a download link. Having nothing better to do, I thought I would try out this really wierd-named game.

When I first opened it, I was halfway disgusted, because I was still in the belief that hearts was a girl-thing. Despite this, I pressed on. Realising that this game was almost like a book, just on screen and with pictures, I started to like it more, the there suddenly came up choices on my screen, and I was even more pleasantly surprised. Despite reaching the "his face is getting smaller at a rapid pace" many times in a row, I just couldnt stop liking it, so I started googling it every now and then. I was about 11-12 years at the time, and it was Act 1 Version 1 that I downloaded.

It was this that made me fall into the hands of Visual Novels, Anime, Manga and Light Novels, it was this that gave me a feeling that I now had something to "live" for, a purpose in life. The purpose was to see this story unfold, and while waiting, see many other stories unfold.

Many years have passed, and I have been doing nothing but reading new fantasy books arriving at the library, reading/playing visual novels as they were translated into english and thinking more.

Now that I have read/played the novel, seen the story unfold, I feel kind of empty, yet at the same time I feel content. I feel that I have nothing left to do, that I a happy with my life. I guess the main thing that keeps me here on this earth is the fact I am indeed a person whom, I will quote something from one of the many stories that I have read, "He seems like the type of person, whose greatest misfortune would be having anyone cry over his death.".

Loneliness is a scary thing...

After my father took suicide, I(as mentioned before) started to think about why he did it, leading to(as also mentioned before) an unhealthy amount of thinking, leading eventually to what I thought was the answer, wich in turn made me want to follow in my fathers footsteps.

I really dont know what makes me write this here, probably because I feel like this is the only place where people would actually take this seriously, without just laughing it off with a nervous laughter and because I dont know anyone in here.

I am on the verge on crying while writing this, but in the end I didn't.

I really have to thank 4LeafStudios for giving me a reason to live these years, and especially Aura, for making Rin's route, it kind of reminds me of myself, just without the painting thing.

I suppose that once I turn 18, I will move to another country and quit all contact with my "loving" family, then see what I do, maybe it will be an "kodokushi" after all, I don't know.

There is a lot more wich I would want to write, but I just … can't. I feel like this is the end of what I am comfortable with sharing, even with strangers.

[Valtameri]

That was a sad story, it's horrible what some people must endure in this life. I can even relate on some parts, being abit lonely myself nowadays.
Can't think of anything comforting to say really, not right now. But if you ever need someone to listen, feel free to PM me or add MSN. Just try to hang on there.

[KaneTaker]

You are impacting those around you all the time. Never forget that. Every person is important in different ways. Just by posting this, you have made a mark on people here. To quote Red Green "Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together! " If you ever want to talk, just let me know.

[charmisokay]

Thats a sad story indeed, I have never tried anything like this so I wont be able to "know what you are going through" - I can only wish you good luck.

I have tried to come up with a few ideas I would try to use if I found myself in a situation like this. (they are below, spoiler'd)
A good idea would be to meet someone you can love, maybe trying to meet someone over a dating site?
I'm most certainly sure that your mother only tries to help you (moms do in most cases) so try to tell her what you feel, want and why - I hope that I helped you in some way.

[TheLastMelody]

Thats a sad story indeed, I have never tried anything like this so I wont be able to "know what you are going through" - I can only wish you good luck.

I have tried to come up with a few ideas I would try to use if I found myself in a situation like this. (they are below, spoiler'd)
A good idea would be to meet someone you can love, maybe trying to meet someone over a dating site?
I'm most certainly sure that your mother only tries to help you (moms do in most cases) so try to tell her what you feel, want and why - I hope that I helped you in some way.

I realise that my mom probably only did what she thought was best, but I still don't want to tell her, I feel like it would be wrong. And I don't believe that anything good would ever come out of using such a thing as a dating site ^_^

You are impacting those around you all the time. Never forget that. Every person is important in different ways. Just by posting this, you have made a mark on people here. To quote Red Green "Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together! " If you ever want to talk, just let me know.

Now, after thinking some more, I think I posted this because I don't want just that to happen. I think, but I do not know, that I don't want to die just like that. I just don't know any longer. I probably will be contacting either of you for some reason or another.

[charmisokay]

Hmm you seam to be taking this much better than some people I have talked with before, thats good.'
I would gladly listen to you anyways but will probably not be able to give you much input (:
-cheers.

[Valtameri]

Thats a sad story indeed, I have never tried anything like this so I wont be able to "know what you are going through" - I can only wish you good luck.

I have tried to come up with a few ideas I would try to use if I found myself in a situation like this. (they are below, spoiler'd)
A good idea would be to meet someone you can love, maybe trying to meet someone over a dating site?
I'm most certainly sure that your mother only tries to help you (moms do in most cases) so try to tell her what you feel, want and why - I hope that I helped you in some way.

I realise that my mom probably only did what she thought was best, but I still don't want to tell her, I feel like it would be wrong. And I don't believe that anything good would ever come out of using such a thing as a dating site ^_^

I was just thinking about this. Are dating sites really any good? Does anyone know anybody who has actually found partner through them? I'm abit cynical towards those sites.

[charmisokay]

Two of my friends have, one of them ended after almost a year, the other one is pretty healthy (:

But no, generally dating sites dont work that well - but it would increase your chance of finding someone.

Edit: The first of said friends have tried a few times with dating sites, but have only had one good meeting through it (as stated above)

[Mirage_GSM]

I guess they work better than sitting at home 24/7, but not by much

[Valtameri]

Two of my friends have, one of them ended after almost a year, the other one is pretty healthy (:

But no, generally dating sites dont work that well - but it would increase your chance of finding someone.

Edit: The first of said friends have tried a few times with dating sites, but have only had one good meeting through it (as stated above)

Good for them, at least for the other one ^^

I guess they work better than sitting at home 24/7, but not by much

Heh, no doubt about that. It's a lonely world sometimes, here at the computer.

[Deadeye]

When I was younger I was in very poor health, nothing mental. Just physical problems. I can't relate to your story, but it is very touching and it has reminded me that I was more of a burden to my family then I may have realized at the time. They always had to take care of me, getting hospitalized every couple of months, nearly dead sometimes since I was just to young to realize that not breathing isn't normal. We moved close to a hospital at first, seemed logical, the elementary school wasn't much farther away though I still took a small bus since I was physically unable to walk as well as other kids. This game brought a lot of that back to me, sometimes in a flash, some more trickled out even now. Once I was old to realize I was a burden to my family I tried running away. 'It was for their sake' I said to myself when I left. I don't know who I was kidding, being 14 with no money, no one to turn too, and least of all no clue where I was even. I just walked, in the only direction that didn't lead to the schools or the hospital. I left a note, and since I had serious medical issues I was recaptured quickly. Then seeing how my grandma cried I realized what they meant to me. And more importantly how I meant to them. So I make it my duty to repay them, as best I can. Being more healthy now I can go out, though anything more then light labor would cause me to keel over. Speaking of, gotta get to work. Hopefully they don't mind the tears. On a final note, you can't see how much people cry if you leave for good. If I decided to kill myself I would've never realized how much they cared for me.

[Drake]

That's the problem with people jumping the gun when it comes to diagnosis of this sorts, glad to see you're hanging in there though.
I think perhaps you should find something new to live for now, everyone needs that no matter the condition they are in. Something to believe in, something to aim for, doesn't matter what, just something to keep you going.

[TheLastMelody]

I guess they work better than sitting at home 24/7, but not by much

Heh, no doubt about that. It's a lonely world sometimes, here at the computer.

It may be lonely, but it is something we have chosen, despite knowing that.

When I was younger I was in very poor health, nothing mental. Just physical problems. I can't relate to your story, but it is very touching and it has reminded me that I was more of a burden to my family then I may have realized at the time. They always had to take care of me, getting hospitalized every couple of months, nearly dead sometimes since I was just to young to realize that not breathing isn't normal. We moved close to a hospital at first, seemed logical, the elementary school wasn't much farther away though I still took a small bus since I was physically unable to walk as well as other kids. This game brought a lot of that back to me, sometimes in a flash, some more trickled out even now. Once I was old to realize I was a burden to my family I tried running away. 'It was for their sake' I said to myself when I left. I don't know who I was kidding, being 14 with no money, no one to turn too, and least of all no clue where I was even. I just walked, in the only direction that didn't lead to the schools or the hospital. I left a note, and since I had serious medical issues I was recaptured quickly. Then seeing how my grandma cried I realized what they meant to me. And more importantly how I meant to them. So I make it my duty to repay them, as best I can. Being more healthy now I can go out, though anything more then light labor would cause me to keel over. Speaking of, gotta get to work. Hopefully they don't mind the tears. On a final note, you can't see how much people cry if you leave for good. If I decided to kill myself I would've never realized how much they cared for me.

I tried to run away once too, I was quickly recaptured thou, not many places to run here, there being about 30 kilometers to the nearest shop and everyone knows each other up here (almost, I don't really know anyone) They cried a lot, I know they honestly cared for me, but still, I can't feel anything about it, I am unable to? I don't know. Your story is very touching me too, in it's own way, after all, I have lived so far by escaping into others stories, whether real or not.

EDIT
Added some stuff I thought about

[TheLastMelody]

That's the problem with people jumping the gun when it comes to diagnosis of this sorts, glad to see you're hanging in there though.
I think perhaps you should find something new to live for now, everyone needs that no matter the condition they are in. Something to believe in, something to aim for, doesn't matter what, just something to keep you going.

The problem with this solution is that it assumes that you are interested in something, I have only lived by immersing myself in the stories of others, but I still do not have an interest in anything else, besides good stories. And writing one myself is next to impossible, since I have no fantasy either ways, and I actually tried it at some point, several times.

EDIT
Typo

[Drake]

That's the problem with people jumping the gun when it comes to diagnosis of this sorts, glad to see you're hanging in there though.
I think perhaps you should find something new to live for now, everyone needs that no matter the condition they are in. Something to believe in, something to aim for, doesn't matter what, just something to keep you going.

The problem with this solution is that it assumes that you are interested in something, I have only lived by immersing myself in the stories of others, but I still do not want to make anything myself.

Actually it more assumes that you are capable of finding interest in something, however fleeting. Like interest in VNs and stories for example. Just the belief is important, some people use religion, others use companionship or family, others work, and others still just believe in living from day to day.
You don't have to aim to be president or anything of that sorts, just something to get through the day, otherwise you really will be empty. It's different from trying to be productive.