Sample Scene: Rhudson

[Rhudson765]

This is just a sample to see if my writing style is acceptable to the group. It's a fragment of a Scene that takes place in the libary with Hanako & Lilly.

It's not even in first person yet. I will do that if the group find it good enough to continue. I hope that it's up to snuff.

Please be honest but Constructive in your criticism.

And please remember, it's NOT FINISHED!!



<Hanako> .....and they just.....<sob> stared at me <sniffle> for so long and one of

them came closer and put his hand out and said something and <sob> I just ran and ran

until I found you.

<Lilly> There, there Hinako, It's going to be alright. Mabye they were just trying to
talk to you. Or mabye they were just curious....

<Hanako>No, there were going to make fun of me or hurt me, I know it!, I just know

it. <starts crying again>


Lilly goes over and Hugs Hinako until she stops crying, at least for the moment.

<Lilly> Now why would anyone want to hurt someone as gentle and sweet as you are for

no reason.

<Hanaho> <Sniff> But they would have a reason. While they were looking at me, the

wind blew away my hair and they saw my WHOLE FACE. My Whole Ugly face.


<Lilly> (Still holding Hinako) Why would someone want to hurt you just becasue of

your face.

<Hanako>Because I look like a monster, a hideous monster. Lilly, I told you what

happened to me and you've felt the scars, but you just don't understand how UGLY I

look mo matter how much you understand how I feel. <sobs>
And what's worse is that I can never go back to that store again And they are the

only store around here that sells the fabric that I need <wails>


The main character is walking past the library when he hears Hinako crying. He walks

in to see Lilly holding Hinako.


<walking up to Lilly> What's wrong with Hanako?


<Lilly stops hugging Hanako, but holds her hand>

<Lilly> Oh Hinako just had a little trouble while walking home from the fabirc store

today.


<Hisao> What happened, Hanako.


If this scene is used early in the game.

[Hanako hides behind Lilly, putting her left hand on her face and softly says

"Nothing" while shaking slightly.]

<Lilly> Some boys wanted to talk to Hanako and she got a little frightened. You know

how shy she is.

<Hanako> [Looking sadder than ever] No boys would ever want to talk to me other than

to make fun of me.

<Lilly> That's not true, is it Haiso?


Question: What do you say to Hanako?

A: "Why would anyone make fun of you?
B: "I am a boy and I'm taking to you."
C: "Who made fun of you, I'll deal with them?

If A is chosen............................


<Hanako> [Shaking quietly] Never mind. I'll...... I'll see you later, Lilly [runs out

of the room, holding her hand to her face.]

<Lilly> Don't worry about it, she will be able to talk to you about it once you get

to know her better. I'll see you later, ok. [Smiles, grabs her dog's harness and

walks out of the library, leaving you alone and confused.


If B is chosen..............................

<Lilly> [Smiles warmly at you for trying to cheer her friend up] That's true, Hisao

is a boy and he's talking to you right now.

<Hanako> But..........but..... that's......Different... You don't..... Don't...

know......

<Hisao> ....... About your face? I've noticed the scars on your face and how you try

to hide them. And even with the scars, I still think that you are very pretty.


<Hanako> [Hugs Hisao very quickly and then just as quickly pulls back] Do you really

mean it or are you just being nice.

<Hisao> No, I'm serious.


<Hanako> [Blushes] Thank you Hisao, You don't know what this means to me. You are the

first person after Lilly to say that my scars doesn't matter. [Kisses Hisao on the

cheek, slowly backs away and then after hugging Lilly again runs out of the room,

smiling for the first time in a long time]

<Lilly> Thank you for saying such kind thinks to Hanako. You're the first boy in the
entire school to be so kind to her. <Kisses you on the check>. You're so sweet,

Hisao! I have to practice to I will see you later, ok Hisao. {smiles at Hisao and

then leaves]

This path can be used as a sort of crossroad. From here, the player can decide to try

to win either Lilly or Hanako. Either way, the player has made some progress, but

still has a long way to go to win either girl.



IF C is chosen....................................




<Hanako>[Nervously]

Just.....Just...some........guys......near......the....fabric..store


<Hisao> What did they say to? What did they do?

<Hanako> Nothing.... I ran away.......before.... they could say or .....DO

anything....But I'm still so scared......[Starts to tear up again]



<Lilly> I have an idea, Hisao, would you be willing accompany Hanako to the fabric

store tommorow?



WILL YOU TAKE HANAKO TO THE STORE TOMMOROW?


A: "Sure, I would be glad to!"
B: "Well, I'm kinda busy tommorow so I will have to pass.
C: "Ok, If i'm not too busy"


IF A IS CHOSEN.......

<Hisao> Sure I would be glad to, if it's ok with Hanako. But why do you need to go to

the fabric store?

<Hanako> [Looks down] I.......I.....well......[Blushes]........{says softly] it's ok.
Thank you.

<Lilly> Well if you go to the fabric store with Hanako tommorow, mabye you will find out.


Should I continue? Are you curious to see what will
happen at the fabric store or afterwards.

[frumplstlskn]

Could use some work with the typos. I thought it was okay, Hanako was a big mega-whiney. BAAAAW they saw me. :p That pertains to the subject though more than to the writing.

[TcDohl]

Someone needs to LURK MOAR. Seriously, read the style guide.

[Rhudson765]

Someone needs to LURK MOAR. Seriously, read the style guide.

OK. ANy other comments?

[cpl_crud]

I suppose I should say something about the treatment/style guides and so forth.

We are no longer in the phase of the game where we are simply piling ideas into a pot and hoping that something will occur. The writers are all now travcelling down their own paths, however we are all bound together by teh style guide and the treatment documents.

If you're in tl;dr mode, and find the treatment and so forth too much to digest, then I suggest that you head on over to the submissions thread and have a read of what has been "accepted" for the game. This will give you an idea of the baiscs (like layout, naming ocnventions etc).
Also, you'll realsie that the characters are now characters, not names with disablites attached to them.
I hate to be overly possesive of the characters, however I think that the main traits of the characters are now being defined by the writers for each character (A22 for Shizune, SFW for Lilly, Aura fro rin and myself for Hanako). The Hanako and Lilly taht you describe in your scene, whilst technically correct when compared to the treatment, don't really match where Hanako and Lilly are in the story.

Anyway, away from that, allow me to comment on your actual writing.

I feel rushed through the dialouge. Also, there's very little description of the world around the characters; you seem to be jsut rushing from one point to the next.
This means that you have no real time to become engrossed in the story; it's jsut bam bam bam oh noes you're going ot the store tomorrow. Try pacing out the scen as it would happen in actuality. Hanakko, being distraught, wouldn't be overly coherant, and would want nothing more than to whimper in Lilly's embrace. Lilly, senseing this, would simply want to comfort Hanako, calm her down, and nurse her back to normailty.
Hisao, not beign a total moron, would ahev a similar pacing; maybe slightly more willing to jump to Hanako's defence in a more violent fashion.
I guess the fact taht you've just started in the middle of a scene makes it hard to "wrtie to tempo".
You should always, always, try and write in solid "scenes" (using the term liberally there)- ie have a start, middle and end, all of which are part of the same connected idea. By doing this you'll get into the flow of the scene's pacing.

A good example of this is Aura's scene with Lilly and the Tai Chi (er, HLG2T3 from memory). You get up early, wander around, and see a graceful Lilly waving her arms around. That's a nicely paced and well thought out scene- you are in the mood to be wandering around in the cool morning air, and Lilly's actions mirror this pacing. You also have enough explaination of the when/why/how/what of the scene- you're not jsut thrust into watching Lilly do Tai chi.

Also, you're trying to do too much with the choices. This is a novel, not a baord game. You dno't need to have a decision every 5 lines. If you read over the game as it sntands now you'll see there's about one decision every few thousand words. That's a good number in my mind. This also helps with the pacing of your story; you can read for a bit, develop some emotions about the task at hand, and then you are preseneted with a decision.
The other problem that comes with a lto of desicions is keeping a continous storyline. From each decision, you need to be able toe reach an ending ofthe game. Should those decisions have fairly different consequences, then you're going to need another ending to the game. For example, your last decision about taking Hanako to the store the next day. That will create two entirely seperate time lines, and re-merging them will lead to problems.

You should read some of the later Grid 2 scenes for some good examples on how tto write low-level decisions that dont' really affect the outcome of the time lines 9aparet from the obvious "flag" decisions).


I realise that as a newcomer to an established group, there are a lot of things to learn, however I'd ask that you hang in there, and maybe read a bit more before you write too much more. If you don't, then you're jsut going to end up on the fringe of the group, with little of your work being used, which will lead to disenchantment, and probably with you leaving the project. However, if you take the time now to "get up to speed" with the way we do things, then you'll find that much more of your work will be accepted. Also, people will note your efforts, and will be much more willing to spend their valuable time discussing your ideas. As you can see from the previous responses, you aren't really being taken seriously by the rest of the group because you have basically insulted us by ignoring the guidelines that everyone else happily follows.
But if you say "Hey, guys, I just read a few scenes; here's something I worked on beofre I read those, next time I'll make sure to play by the rules" etc, then people will be more open.
That's group dynamics for you.


Also, please note that this long-winded "lurk moar" comment is bourght to you by the SYdney Symphony, who have forced me to sit around doing very little for the past half hour.

However... good news... new chellist. Pity I don't work with them much... (only here for the system check today :<. Friggin symphony and their love of "acoustics" as oppsoed to amplification....)


OH, something that I should add now that I had a second to look at stuff again: Hanako's reaction to that situation.

Hanako running away is one of the main things that doesn't sit well with me. SHe would probably avoid talking to people, or ignore them outright, but I dont' think running away is really her style.
Also, the whole "costume design/clothing" thing is old news...

[Rhudson765]

Hey, guys, I just read a few scenes; there was something I worked on before I read those, next time I'll make sure to play by the rules.

And I guess i'll go back to reading a bit more about the characters before I write again.