The first thing that struck me about her was the manner she carried herself with. I've never seen anyone pay so much attention to how they walk. For you and me, it's an unconsicous thing. The heel touches the ground first, takes in the weight of the impact with the ankle, then you move your weight forward at the same time as the ball of the feet lands. Finally, the toes and the knee spring your leg forward to the next step. I never think about that, and you don't either. But she does. Every step she takes is an effort, a tiny battle to be fought and won. But that's just how it is. Careful, considerate steps, supported by a crutch in her left hand. One by one, she walked towards me. The second thing I noticed, of course, was how cute she was. I saw that all the way from the other end of the hallway, where I was sitting on a bench as she entered from the door at the opposing end. Our eyes met briefly, but I turned away and missed the first of the many smiles she granted to me. She walked right up to me, painfully slowly, and as she stopped, I lifted my gaze again to meet the second smile that was meant just for me and nobody else.
”Is this seat free?” she asked, despite us two being the only people in the nurses' hallway at this hour.
I nodded to her wordlessly and turned away again. But as she sat down, she faltered a little and had to lean against me for support. I wonder if I flinched at the sudden breach of my personal space, because she seemed very concerned if I was all right, yet at the same time apologized with a very natural and carefree air about her. A light scent of flowery perfume wafted about her, making me oddly self-conscious about the fact that I never wore any. I suddenly had great trouble deciding where to aim my face and what do with my hands they were sort of in my way even though they were right there, neatly on my lap. Just as naturally as she had resolved that situation with her losing balance, she segued into small talk that I responded to with one-word sentences and some flustered muttering, I don't have any idea where that came from.
”What's your name?” ”Oh, Rika is a nice name, how do you write it?” ”Don't you always feel that you never really know someone's name unless I know the writing too?” ”I'm Saki, written the usual way.” ”Are you waiting for someone or your own appointment?” ”The head nurse sure is nice, huh? Who is the nurse for your year?”
At the end of that first meeting I felt that we had known forever already, yet I had barely said two words to her. And against my expectations, she kept talking to me whenever we bumped into each other. I never knew how to approach her (or anyone), even though we passed each other almost daily, but she always found a way to break the ice that seemed to form around me overnight. Not that the school is that big, for any two people to miss each other consistently they'd need to actively avoid each other. She always stood out from the crowd for me, in a way other people didn't, and I think she noticed how I tended to stare at her. At any rate that's how we became some sort of friends. I never said much to her, but I liked listening to her chatter and stealing looks at her pretty face.
”Say, do you ever get the feeling that you want to escape?” ”I mean, escape. To just leave everything and just go... anywhere.” ”I don't know where, where would you want to go if you could go anywhere?” ”For me, some exotic place would be the best. Like a rainforest. A wild jungle in the heart of Africa. That's the kind of place I'd want to go.” ”Come on, just say whatever comes to your mind!”
But words don't come to me naturally. I have to wrestle every single one out of myself. Somehow, it's even harder than usual with her. I know why, but I can't say why.
I think I've always known that I notice only the girls in that way. It's dangerous to be like that. I don't want to hurt anyone with my feelings. So I always held myself back, kept these things a secret inside of me. But now, I can't stop wanting. I wonder if it shows on my face when I look at her. I feel guilty.
All I want is the smallest chance, a tiny hook, just a little thing I can grasp. Maybe I can build enough courage with that, with just one little thing I can hold on to. So I let something slip, a little innocent thing that has layers and layers of secrets under it.
”You want to be more girlish? I think you're girlish enough.” ”Oh, I see, it's like that.” ”Well, what kind of stuff you'd like to get? Clothes? Makeup?” ”We could go shopping sometime.” ”Don't know? Hmm...” ”What kind of clothes I use? Um, well, I guess I like skirts, oh, and brown. Hehe, it's kinda hard to explain I guess” ”Maybe you should come and see? I can show you my wardrobe.”
Her room smells like her. She rummages the closet, throwing the cutest clothes I've seen on her bed (it's not made) and her desk (it's a mess).
”Wanna try a couple on? You're a bit tall, but I think it should be fine.” ”Besides, it's just sexier if my miniskirts are too short for you, huh?” ”What? But we're both girls, it's fine isn't it?” ”Ok ok, I promise I won't look.”
My heart is beating so fast. I unbutton my blouse, open the single skirt button at my hip and let it fall on the floor. My skin is on goosebumps. I pick up a onepiece dress without really even looking at it. My cheeks are burning hot.
”Are you done yet?”
As expected, I can't fill out Saki's clothes as well as she. My body just isn't as nice as hers. Frustrated, I rip the pretty dress off and flop on Saki's bed. I feel like something's about to erupt from inside me, a burst of anger or a bout of sulking, and I try to hold it back as much as I can. I wanted to... I wanted to have fun but this isn't fun at all, it's torture. Something's wrong with me, I don't want her to see me like this. This was a bad idea, definitely was.
Saki, in the middle of dressing up herself, stops and still in her underwear, sits on the bed, looking concerned. Even her underwear is cuter than mine, a matching set with frills and everything.
”What's wrong?” ”I thought you looked really cute in that.”
I want to... I want. She giggles, a little nervously.
”You're always so reserved and quiet. This isn't like you at all, Rika.” ”Is there something you want?”
Yes.
”So, if we were in the heart of Africa, just the two of us-” She glances around the room and smirks ”-for some inexplicable reason only in our underwear...”
”Tell me, what is it that you would want to do...?”
