Scene 7: Bonds I
Chapter 2: Real Talk
There’s something about being here – amongst the rice paddy fields and surrounded by an endless metropolis – that feels completely different from the fields and forests around Yamaku. Functionally, when you’re in the bands of trees here, it’s not all that visually striking compared to the countryside around Yamaku. Then you get past the trees and the biggest, most immediate difference is the landscape. Here there’s a vast surrounding city stretching into the horizon while at Yamaku there’s mountainous terrain and forests before Sendai comes into view. That difference is enough to make it feel like a whole other world sometimes. Then the rice paddies around here only serve to compound the changes.
My eyes drift back to the leader of this excursion. His expression is unusually hard to read, and unnervingly calm considering… Yet he hasn’t said a word and doesn’t seem to be ready to anytime soon.
When Shin invited me out saying he was ready for “that talk,” I expected a short walk and quick explosion of words. Maybe I’m so unsettled right now because that’s what I’ve been preparing myself for ever since he warned me about needing this talk. And here we are, yet street after street has passed in effective silence. His pace has been steady. His face has been calm and relaxed. He’s been taking in the scenery like it’s just any old walk we used to take. If it weren’t for the pretense of this outing then I’d say it really was just that, but instead it’s like he’s drawing out the tension as long as he can all while completely unaware or even unbothered by it. I mean, it’s not like I exactly want to force the issue since he’s made it clear that he’s got some choice words to say to me, and I’m sure most of them won’t be pleasant, but I also feel like we just need to get it over with. He needs to vent and I deserve whatever he has to throw my way after what I did to them.
In any case, I’m glad I skipped my own walk this morning.
Shin slows down and takes a glance around, apparently deciding we’ve gone far enough. He veers off onto the artificial river bank wall and sits on its textured cement. I sit what feels like a safe distance away from him and wait for it to start.
After a few moments, Shin just takes a breath and stares off into the sky, then leans back against the ground. How can he act so comfortable right now? Isn’t he livid? I don’t even know anymore. My nerves have been killing me since we left my house and this is only making it worse. It’s exhausting. I don’t know which would be worse at this point: we continue this charade of normalcy and go back like nothing happened, or he unloads everything onto me.
I try to stare up at the sky and relax as well, but it doesn’t work, and I’m definitely not laying down right now. I try to sit still and it doesn’t work. I try to not think so much and it doesn’t work. I try to think about anything else and it doesn’t work. I try to stop trying to distract myself and it. doesn’t. work. I’m pretty sure he’s doing this on purpose now and-
“Have you ever thought about what you'd go back and change, if you could?” Shin rests his hands on his stomach. “Like, if there was one moment you could go back to and do something different, what would it be?” First words he’s said since we met up at my house. He’s way too calm.
Still, it’s something. “Hard to say. It’s one of those questions we fantasize so hard about so many times, but even still there’s a vast wealth of choices…” Would it be back to when Iwanako confessed, to stop my heart attack from ever happening? I could also go a little later than that and thank everyone for coming to visit me in the hospital, then put actual effort into my recovery. Or maybe I’d go back to the car crash, and stop Mrs. Ibarazaki before we took that turn. Maybe I'd go for something far earlier, and really talk to my parents before we drifted apart.
“I’ve never had to think about it. I’ve known exactly what I’d do differently ever since the day it happened. The 26th of December, 2001 – I’d wake up to my alarm, go downstairs, and enjoy breakfast with my Dad.”
“Wasn’t that…”
Shin nods. “The last day he spent at home.” He hugs his stomach a little tighter. “I remember waking up late because I stayed up all night playing some game, so I ended up rushing out the door to get to school on time. Most days I wouldn’t have cared, but it was the last day before winter break so I couldn’t miss it, right? Hah…” He takes a slow breath in, then just as slowly breathes out. “I barely said goodbye to him. I didn’t even see his face. I just shouted from the stairs and ran out the door.”
Shin sits up and leans forward, shifting his gaze to the stream below us. “I didn’t tell him I loved him or wait long enough to hear what he said back to me. I don’t know when the last time I said that to him before that day was. Was it the day before? I tried to make it a habit before leaving for school, so it could’ve been, but I was bad at doing it every day so it may have been as much as a week.” He pauses, like the slow-moving water below will finally give him an answer. But it doesn’t. “The part that keeps me up at night is that when I finally got home the next day, I found a plate of leftovers in the fridge with a note from him. He scolded me for skipping my breakfast.”
He leans back and looks to the sky, propping himself on his arms. “So that’s what I’d change. People always talk about making some life-changing alteration or decision, but I don’t think I’d want that. I don’t know what that life would lead to, but I do know what I’d have in this one. And I know that that one morning, which ultimately didn’t mean all that much, is the one morning I linger on most. I’m sure Dad would’ve treasured it just as much as I think I would’ve.”
He smiles sadly and stares off into the distance again. After that, his dad collapsed in the middle of the day and spent the rest of his life in a hospital. An entire year, deteriorating and withering away while moving from hospital bed to hospital bed.
Shin tilts his head to look at me. “So I’ll ask you again, Hisao. If you could go back to one moment in your life to do something different, when would you go, and what would you change?”
I’ve never really thought about the question like that. “Let me think.” I prop a leg up and lean on it. If I had to answer it under the same framing as him… “I think I’d go back to the day after we heard that my Grandma died. Dad went to work to sort out a few things before taking a short leave, and I couldn’t stand being in the house. I felt like I was going mad, so I hit Mai up to just get out for a while. When I went to leave, I passed by Mom on the couch. I woke her up from a nap to tell her where I was going, then she said goodbye and told me to be safe. She looked so tired… so drained. But I didn’t know how to deal with the situation and was scared to try. I just left. Looking back now, I wish I had stayed home with her. It would’ve been awkward and I probably wouldn’t know what to do, even now, but I think it would’ve been the right thing to do.”
Shin said he didn’t want to change anything big, but in my case that might’ve changed a lot at home. Maybe Mom and Dad wouldn’t have spent so many hours at work after that. Maybe we would’ve been a family for a while longer, or came back together sooner. Or maybe it was too late by then anyway, but it still would’ve been the right thing to do.
Then I have a realization. “Ah, but my second choice would definitely be the hospital. I’d talk to you guys and not be an ass and stop moping so much and-”
“Pff-” Shin covers his mouth, but it isn’t enough to stop it. He starts laughing uncontrollably, doubling over on himself.
“What… why are you laughing? I thought we were being serious there.”
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just, you had such a good answer, then went and ruined it by trying to turn your answer into an apology.” He wipes his eyes, then stands up and stretches. “That’s… very like you.”
I stand up too. My legs were falling asleep. “I thought… wasn’t that what this whole thing was about?”
“I mean, hell, it is in some ways but I’m not some needy girlfriend that wants your every thought and action to be for my sake. I think if you did answer that way the first time I might’ve gotten mad.”
That’s what would’ve made him mad? “I don’t get it, man. What’s with all the back and forth? One moment you sound pissed as hell and can barely stand to look at me. Then we’re hanging out and having a good time like nothing ever changed. Then you’re telling me you are mad, but want to move forward. So I try to apologize and you say that’d piss you off? What the hell is it that you want me to do?”
“Dammit Hisao, I want you to try – I mean really, really try to earn our friendship back. I’m not gonna act like I know what it was like for you… to survive a heart attack, or wake up to being told you’ll be on meds and monitored for the rest of my life, or to be that close to death… but I do know what we went through.”
Shin chokes back a tear, and his ranting becomes more desperate. More raw. “We almost lost one of our best fucking friends and everyone around us was constantly reminding us of that. Constantly holding it over us. Taunting us. Pushing us one step closer to the edge every gods damned day until we’d finally break. And we did. Every single one of us. But all of that was okay because you were alive. Then… then you left. Gone without so much as a fucking goodbye. You went to the other side of the country and never even sent a damn text to any of us for months. And we had to pick up the pieces without you”
“I’m sorry-”
“I fucking know you’re sorry! We all do! We did before you even left. We could see it in your eyes: you were sorry for yourself, sorry for hurting Iwanako, sorry for being a burden, sorry for stressing everyone out, sorry for surviving… sorry for being our friend.” He can’t hold it back anymore, and tears fall from his face.
Shin wipes his eyes and sniffles loudly. “I’m sick of you being sorry. I just want you to come back to us, Hisao. I want our friend back and I don’t want him to be sorry that he’s our friend. I want him to rely on us, and talk to us when he’s down, and trust us. I want him to share his burdens with us and be willing to take some of ours when we need it, because we did and we do. I want to know that our meeting wasn’t something he regrets. That all of our pain and the hell we went through wasn’t just some background noise to him that he could leave behind like it didn’t fucking matter. What I don’t want is for you to come back here and tell us you’re sorry for having a heart attack. I want you to stand up and look us in the eyes and say, ‘That fucking sucked. Thanks for being there for me.’ Then we could work together to figure out what comes next.”
Shin balls his fists up and looks away. His arms are shaking. I never realized the depth of his feelings. It never occurred to me that he’d cry for me. That he’d get so pissed off because he thought I was making a mistake. That he’d ‘fight’ someone for me. He’s one of my best friends and I barely ever valued how much he cared about me. I haven’t respected how my actions have hit them.
I straighten my back and take a breath to calm myself. “Thanks, Shin; for everything. You took a beating for me, and visited me in the hospital despite never wanting to step foot in another one, and worked behind the scenes to help me settle back in. Thanks for that.” I reach a hand out towards him, making sure it’s in his eyesight.
He wipes his face off on his sleeve and takes a deep, messy breath of his own. Then looks me in the eye and takes my hand. “Of course, man. We’re friends after all.”
I pull him closer, locking our arms between us. “Right.” I give him as honest a smile as I can, which isn’t hard. I was ready to come home and get yelled at and officially have them leave my life for good. I thought it was too late, and gave up before even trying, but they never did. “This year really sucked, huh?”
He raises an eyebrow, then chuckles. “Yeah. It really did.” His grip on my hand tightens. “But we’ve got time to make up for it.”
“Right.”
With newfound determination fueling us, we hold the handshake firmly for a moment longer. Shin’s eyes widen for a second and his gaze turns away, then he sighs and shakes his head.
“What is it?”
“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry about it.” His grip on my hand loosens so I let go. “I like the determination, Hisao, but I hope you’re aware I’m gonna want something more crystal than a vague affirmation.”
“Ah-... yeah, that’s fair. Name your price.”
Shin crosses his arms.“A simple promise. When shit starts going off the rails or whatever, you’ll talk to us.”
I wait for an expansion or details or extra conditions, but nothing comes. He simply stands his ground. I scratch my chest. Isn’t that a bit too easy? “That’s… it?”
“That’s it.” He lets the silence hang in the air. And, as if the world itself is working with him, a gust of wind pushes through the riverbank making me lose my balance. Shin lowers his arms and decides to give me a bigger picture this time. “Gah… What I’m saying is no more shutting us out. I’m not saying it was right, but part of the reason we stopped coming to the hospital is because we didn’t see the point. It hurt to see you like that especially when nothing we did worked.”
If anyone should be able to relate to that by now, it should be me. Emi ended up giving me a taste of my own medicine even if she didn’t know it. “Then… I think I can do that.”
“Promise?” He lifts his hand and extends his pinky.
I shake my head and laugh. “Same old Shin.” I lock my pinky finger in his. “Promise.”
“Good. Now that that’s all over with…” he smiles, then stretches and yawns loudly, “... you know what sounds good right about now?”
“Hmm?”
“Crepes.”
“Ooh, are they still open?”
Shin grins. “Hell yeah they are. Let’s get going before the lunch rush gets there.”
~ ~ ~
Kai:‘Hey new kid, you hungry?’
Me:‘i mean i guess? why?’
Kai:‘I was just super curious.’
Kai:‘sarcasm. Btw.’
Kai:‘we’re getting food. meet at mori’s’Me:‘what if i had plans’
Kai:‘do you?’
Me:‘no’
Kai:‘good. see you there!’
I close my phone after double-checking that Kai did actually say Mori’s. Unsurprisingly, it’s closed and locked up since it’s Tuesday. At the very least, I was hoping to run into Kai when I got here. Worst part is, unlike with the others, I don’t know how far away she lives so I could be in for another thirty minute wait for all I know. Maybe I should send her a message to get an idea at least. Or grill her for not setting a meeting time. She practically twisted my arm to come out here and doesn’t even hash out the details? Yeah, this is on her-
Just as I pull my phone out, I hear a familiar voice complain in the distance. “Damn, he’s already here.” Mai’s walking towards me with Kai in tow. She reaches into her pocket and pulls her wallet out – then gives what looks like 500 yen to Kai. She takes it with a way too wide grin on her face that gives off a dangerous level of ‘Misha’ energy. Mai turns back to me and, with an accusatory tone, says, “You’ve been back less than a week and have already cost me 1500 yen, Nakai. You’ll pay for this.”
“Hey now, I’m not the one that turned you into a gambling addict. That was all you.”
“Then at least stop changing how you act so much.”
They’ve reached me in the mean-time. I shrug. “What was the bet this time?”
“Tch–” Mai crosses her arms and turns away from Kai.
Kai laughs and, despite the menacing aura earlier, my ears are relieved at its normal volume. “She said that there was ‘no way’ you’d beat us here.”
How could she make that mistake? “Mai, my house is closer than yours. A fair amount closer, even.”
“And yet somehow you’ve never once beat me here, until I put money on the line.”
Kai bounces giddily on her heels. “And you can’t~ even~ blame me. I was ready to go when you got to my house!” She jabs her fingers into Mai’s cheek, who snaps at it like a hungry piranha. Kai hops backwards and uses me as a shield, laughing the whole time. I hope she knows I’d be terrible cover right now.
Mai digs for her keys, but her glare at Kai doesn’t falter in the slightest. She grumbles under her breath. “Just you wait…”
I clear my throat, side-eying the two of them. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure of being summoned here?”
Mai shrugs. “Got a new gyoza recipe I’m working on. Needed practice and a taste tester so I asked Kai to help out.”
“And I invited you!” Kai beams, much to Mai’s chagrin.
I look over to Mai. “And you’re okay with that?”
“More feedback’s always helpful.”
That’s not exactly what I meant, but I think she got it. “In that case, thanks for having me.”
“Sure. Now, let’s get to it.” She gets the key to click into place and pushes her way inside. Kai immediately dashes over to the counter and claims a seat without missing a beat. My old seat. I’d usually sit in that spot anytime Mai’d invite me here on similar occasions, but I don’t think that’s high on Kai’s list of worries.
I take the seat next to her while Mai vanishes into the kitchen, flicking on some lights as she goes. Mori’s hasn’t changed one bit in the seven months I’ve been gone. Though the exorbitant amount of wall decorations has somehow only grown more dense. The shop’s only big enough to seat six tables of four and another six at the counter, but it still had a lot of wall-space once upon a time. Now it’s covered top to bottom with paintings, pictures of the Mori’s past adventures from all over, arts and crafts, plant-life, and a sea of gifts from the expansive list of regulars they’ve gathered over the years sharing their own journeys with the Morikawa family.
I’ve probably lost multiple days of my life listening to the stories related to each and every piece of décor dotted around the shop, and I’m sure there’s hundreds more I haven’t yet heard. Sometimes I’m able to match a piece of memorabilia to a story and a wave of nostalgia passes over me – as if it were my memory coming back to me. How Mai’s parents are able to remember the sheer volume of information related to everything here is something I’ll never understand.
Underneath all of the artifacts is a fairly modern and cozy restaurant. It underwent renovations not long after Mai was born to make sure it was up to code, and because it was rather old at the time and in need of repairs according to her father. Not quite as large as the Shanghai, and the tables are certainly less private since there’s no booths, but there’s a homely vibe to this place I’ve yet to see anywhere even come close to matching. Though I’m probably biased. This place was like a second home for me, especially around lunch time. And it’s not like these places are called local secrets for no reason, so I probably just haven’t been looking for smaller places like this one enough to make fair comparisons.
Mai emerges from the kitchen with two steaming cups of coffee in hand. “You still take yours with three scoops of sugar and a splash of cream, right?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“Yep. And don’t worry; it’s decaf.” I give her a blank stare. “Cause of you… you know.” She taps her chest.
Right. I seem to recall being told to be careful with caffeine, though I don’t think I’ve been following that particular piece of advice that well. The fact that Mai’s aware of that risk must mean she did some digging on my condition in her spare time. It must’ve been before I left.
They all really were preparing to take me back in all that time. And I just gave up on them. A mistake I’ll never make again and definitely need to work to make up for.
“Thanks for that.” I take a sip. It’s not quite the same as regular coffee, but close enough. Maybe. Mai nods and returns to the kitchen.
A glance at Kai’s cup reveals a concoction that can barely be called coffee. It’s an almost white liquid with only hints of its original golden brown remaining, and topped with whipped cream. “Isn’t dessert meant to come after the meal?” I tease, nodding at her drink.
She grins and gulps down half the cup in one go. In her eagerness, she gets a touch of cream on her nose. I do my best to bite my tongue and look away. Kai smiles obliviously. “It’s better this way! Coffee tastes like crap.”
“So why ask for coffee in the first place?”
“Cause this tastes really, really good.”
“I see.” I’m sure there’s a better option if all she wants is liquid sugar, but I save my energy and drop the subject. “I’m going to take a guess and assume you didn’t invite me just to give Mai a wider range of opinions.”
“Nope. I wanted to talk to you.”
“About something specific?”
“Duh! Of course I have things I want to know! Right now all I know about you is how you got your heart broken–” the likely intended double meaning is not lost on me, “–and everyone at school lost their minds over the situation."
She narrows her eyes and leans towards me, just a bit. “And yeah, I’d like to know more about the man who hurt my best friend.” The sudden shift in tone and her piercing glare catch me off guard and I shrink in my seat.
“Oh, err, sorry about that.”
“Why are you saying sorry to me?”
I thought that’s what she was digging for. Maybe she’s just making sure I feel bad about it.
She backs off. “Look, I’m not here to dredge up the past. Crap happens and life moves on. I didn’t know you then so I can’t judge you much, but if you’re gonna be a part of ‘Nako’s life again then that means I need to know who I’m dealin’ with.” I know Kai and Iwanako have been friends for a long time, but just how long has it been, and has Kai always been this protective of her? If so, I’d have expected her to confront me long before Iwanako ever confessed. Maybe Kai wasn’t kept in the loop for that exact reason. That, or this trait is a new development.
It feels like I’m taking a pop quiz. Speaking of… “Didn’t you already ‘test’ me at Karaoke?”
“That was a preliminary. Failure meant I’d kick your butt.” She can’t have been serious about that, right? “Just ‘cause you have a good sense of humor and stopped being depressed doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.” The longer she speaks with conviction and seriousness, the more hilarious the whipped cream nose gets.
I wonder how long I can keep this up. “So, what is it about me that you wanna know?”
Of everything I expected her to ask, a relentless series of surface level questions wasn’t part of them. She rapid-fire asks one after another, and after she knows my favorite color, video game, show, and a dozen other useless factoids, a mouth-watering aroma bursts from the kitchen distracting the two of us.
Kai shakes her head and gets right back to the questions, at a much more reasonable pace. “So, you guys almost started a band?”
“It was a sort of passing thought really - well, for most of us. Takumi really tried to get us into it but we never even gathered a basic set of instruments. Just daydreams of delinquents. Sometimes I wonder where we would’ve ended up had we given it an honest shot, but in the end it never went anywhere.” I still sometimes imagine what it would’ve been like to work that closely with them on a project like that.
“Dang.” Kai sounds disappointed. “Well, what do you do for fun now?”
“I mean, I read a lot.”
“That’s it?”
“Emi and I would go on daily runs together.”
“That’s exercise, not a hobby.”
“Trust me, it’s a hobby for Emi. One she’s very passionate about.”
“And what about you?” Kai takes another sip of her coffee, though unlike her first she doesn’t dive into it this time. Somehow she still hasn’t noticed the leftovers from then on her nose. It’s gone from funny, to amusing, to hilarious, to a little worrying, right back to being funny again.
“I like spending time with her.”
“I meant hobbies, lover-boy.”
“Oh. Well, I guess I have been missing my Gamecube.”
“No clubs or secret double-life or anything even remotely exciting?”
“First of all, ouch. Second of all, I am helping start a science club at school.”
“Yep. The others said it best. You… are a nerd.” She says it like it’s some sort of big revelation.
Though Mai must be rubbing off on her if she’s using names like that already. “I’ll take it.” I shrug, then take another sip of my coffee without a soul.
Kai lays her head on the table. “So if you didn’t have any books to read, and since you can’t run, what would you do to pass the time?
“I haven’t really had much free time as of late. Mostly just been studying.”
“Boooring. Seriously, you’re gonna make me fall asleep.” Kai giggles and grins, then sits up. “You don’t even take your girlfriend on dates?”
“We haven’t had the chance. It’s been a stressful few weeks.”
“That’s no excuse not to treat her! I’m sure you can find some time to set aside for her sake, so you should do it.”
“Just because we’ve been busy doesn’t mean I haven’t set time aside for her. We talk on the phone every night and–” well, we would be under normal circumstances, “– wait a minute, why am I even telling you this? What do the details of my intrapersonal relationships matter to you?”
“Just tryin’ to figure out how big the bullet ‘Nako dodged was.”
“You really don’t like me, do you?”
“It’s not personal. I don’t think you can blame me.” She shrugs.
“That’s a bit contradictory. Besides, no two relationships are the same. Just cause Emi and I work one way doesn’t mean that’s how it would’ve went with Iwanako.”
“You can learn a lot about someone based on how they treat their partner.”
I shake my head and pick up the remaining half of my coffee. She’s determined, so it seems like there’s no stopping the questions.
“So, have you guys had sex yet?”
“WHA-” Half that mouthful of coffee goes up my nose and the other half goes straight into my lungs. I immediately collapse into an extraordinarily painful coughing fit. Every time I think I’m about to catch my breath, something else gets caught in my throat and I’m sent into another hellish feedback loop of hacking, wheezing, and grunting. Finally I’m able to gasp a few full breaths in, and while my chest aches, my vision comes back, and my face cools down, I manage to choke out a few words. “Why… would you- ask- that?”
Kai’s almost too busy laughing at my agony to answer. “It was a fair question!”
Mai must’ve heard my near-death experience from the kitchen and came to investigate. “What happened? Are you okay?”
I force a few sips of my remaining coffee down to soothe my throat and clear it of any remaining blocks. Kai answers while I focus on regaining my voice. “I asked a question and he inhaled his coffee instead of drinking it.”
“So not heart issues, Hisao?”
Kai immediately goes silent and blanches. The fear on her face is almost enough to make me forgive her for the torture I just endured. I wave Mai off, “Just choking. I’m fine.” Mostly.
“As long as you’re not dying in my restaurant.” Maybe that’d be better at this point. My chest feels like it’s being stabbed from every direction, my throat is raw, my eyes sting like hell and are acting as open dams, and I’m covered in what used to be my drink. Good thing I didn’t wear white today.
Mai raises an eyebrow, so I give her a shaky thumbs up. Mai’s seen me have a fit like that more than once this week so she doesn’t freak out nearly as much as the first couple times, but Kai is still getting used to it. Kai exhales deeply, then points at Mai. “Don’t scare me like that!”
“You’re the one trying to kill the guy.”
Kai crosses her arms and turns away. Was she blushing? Is she embarrassed? “Aren’t you supposed to be cooking?”
“Shit!” Mai vanishes, then immediately pops back out the door. “Make sure you clean this up!” Aaaand she’s gone again.
Kai hops off the chair and disappears to somewhere else as well. I take the alone time to catch and steady my breath, and focus on giving my chest a chance to recover. Something as simple as that shouldn’t leave me in this level of pain and with this much fatigue.
Kai pops back up behind me, and holds a towel up to me. “Here. To clean yourself up.”
“Thanks.” Speaking releases a residual cough. Even though it’s a small one it still sends shockwaves of pain through my body. You’d think I’d be used to it by this point, but nope. This really sucks. I dry off my face and dab at the wet spots on my shirt, being extra tender around my chest. Kai busies herself with cleaning the counter and trying to hide her guilty expression.
A numbness washes over my face, and as that fades the throbbing on my sides picks up in intensity. The only noise breaking the silence is my ragged breathing and the distant noises of Mai cooking.
“Sorry.” Kai sits back down next to me. “Didn’t mean to nearly make you drown. Or put you at risk… Are you really okay?”
I close my eyes to assess where I’m at. There’s the start of a headache forming and it causes the world to twist and tilt a little, but other than that I’m good. “It’s fine. Just my head and chest – heart excluded – acting up.”
“Good.” Apparently I let her off the hook too easily because her confidence comes back with force. “Because you never answered!”
“And you won’t get one. Absolutely not! Who even asks that?”
Kai bursts into a far too loud fit of laughter for the state my head’s in. “I’m taking that as a yes. So, is she good?” This is a nightmare.
“Stop! What is this? New topic. Literally anything else or I walk.” She only ends up laughing more. Somehow it reminds me of Emi, and I briefly wonder if this is how she’d act if we stayed friends instead. Probably not; even Emi had some level of restraint before we were close.
“Okay, okay. I’ll stop.” Kai wipes tears from her eyes, looks at me, then giggles some more before saying, “You’re even easier than ‘Nako, I hope you know.”
“We’ve known each other for like, five days.”
“Awww! But it feels like I’ve known you for months! And it’s just- so- cute- seeing you blush.”
“No wonder you managed to fit in with the others; clearly something is wrong with you.”
My insult is ignored and she rests her arms on the table. “Don't worry, ‘Nako’s still cuter.”
“Not my concern. I don’t know how she tolerates you.”
“Cause I’m awesome!” She throws a sideways peace sign in front of her eyes.
Mai emerges from the kitchen with two plates in hand. Thank the gods. I was beginning to think that was never going to end. “Alright Kai, that’s enough torturing Hisao for the day. Lunch–” She sets the plates down and gives a flashy bow. “–is served.”
“Smells~ amazing!” Kai claps her hands together. “Itadakimasu!”
I give thanks for the meal as well and pick up my chopsticks. Mai prepared us each a plate with three half-moon shaped pockets each, and a small bowl of what looks like a slightly red soy sauce. I run my utensil along the surface of the food and it gives a satisfying crunchy scratch. A steady stream of steam floats out the top of each dumpling, and the crisp aroma of spices and oils fill the air, causing me to nearly drool.
Kai wastes no time launching an entire pod into her mouth. “AH! HAWT- HAWT!” She makes a series of ‘achachacha’ noises in an attempt to stop her mouth from burning.
Mai laughs, “Well of course they’re hot. They just came off the fryer.”
Learning from her mistake, I take a much more cautious bite. The outside is soft and malleable, bending under my teeth, but still manages to give a satisfying crunch upon breaking. The insides do still end up searing the inside of my mouth momentarily, but since I took a much smaller bite it’s much easier to manage than what Kai went through. The complex assortment of ingredients spill out into my mouth and I let out a satisfied grunt as the complex layers of flavors pour over every inch of my tongue. The meat is well cooked and juicy, the vegetables are seasoned and steamed in a delicious fashion, the sauce coats my tongue in a delicious dance of tang and zest, the seasoning decorates my taste buds, and the crust varies up the texture just enough to help it all come together. In short: I really missed Mai’s cooking.
I inhale the second half of my first one before I can even think about speaking. Then, after basking in the complex, layered flavors and losing myself to the pleasure of delicious food, I summarize my thoughts on the dish: “Damn!”
Mai beams. “Sounds like you’re liking it.”
“This is the single best meal I’ve had this entire year and it’s not even close.” I grab the second one and start cooling it down.
Kai doesn’t even stop to speak, devouring the food like a dog with a fresh bone. While she starts in on her third I decide to take advantage of the sauce with my second. It’s not as heavenly as the gyoza on its own and perhaps a touch too salty and a tad runny, but it does add a few more waves of flavor to each bite, increasing the already high levels of enjoyment. “Sho, wharts in thish?”
Mai slaps my hand with her spatula, leaving a layer of grease behind. “Did you lose your manners living out there too?”
“Shorry.” I respond before thinking and nearly pay the price.
Mai raises her weapon again but spares me after I raise my hands in surrender. Sheathing the utensil, she says, “It’s a simple wheat skin filled with some chopped cabbage, minced pork and chicken, garlic, caramelized onions, ginger, and a secret ingredient. The sauce on the inside is a mixture of soy sauce, oyster sauce, cooking saké, sesame oil, and a tiny amount of vinegar oil. All fried in vegetable oil and steamed afterwards. The dipping sauce is something I’m still working on, but it’s currently a simple soy sauce, rice vinegar, and sesame oil mixture with some chili peppers mixed in.”
While she was explaining it I scarfed down the rest of my second. I blow on the third a couple times, then probe, “Secret ingredient?”
“Yeah. Secret.”
I bite off half of the second one and try to make out what it could be in the cross-section. It’s oozing some sort of creamy liquid, too thick to just be what she listed, but I can’t place it…
Kai washes down the last of hers with a drink and says, “It’s cheese.”
My stomach turns in on itself immediately and it's as if my body wants to eject it post-haste. I end up coughing a little as a result. “What- the hell- Mai?!”
“Don’t be so dramatic. You’re gonna hurt yourself, and admit it, it’s good.”
“Woooow…” Kai raises her eyebrows. “He really doesn’t like cheese after all.”
“Tch…” Mai crosses her arms. “Please. He was practically having an orgasm eating that. He’s just in denial and in his own head.”
“Not- cool.” I stutter out and finish my recovery by washing it down with my nice and safe coffee. My stomach groans.
Mai laughs, then tosses me a napkin to clean off the projectiles I decorated the counter with. “Told you I’d eventually get you to love cheese.”
“Thought the agreement was I’d get a fair warning before trying it.”
“One: You always went into those tests expecting and wanting to hate it. That was never gonna work. Two: I technically didn’t invite you. You just happened to come and try what I was making for Kai. I wasn’t gonna spoil an opportunity like that, and look at yourself; you loved it.”
Staring at the remaining half of my last piece leaves my mouth watering and stomach churning. Almost like the physiological opposite of getting ready to puke. “Fine. I did like it. Still, not cool.”
“Finish it.” Mai starts chanting. “Finish it! Finish it!” Kai catches on by the third and joins in. “Finish it! Finish it! Finish it!”
“Okay, okay. Just-... give me a second.” I take a deep breath and focus on what I now see as a foul specimen, pouring over its every detail. I can definitely see the creamy filling as cheese now that I know. Despite every neuron in my brain telling me to drop it, I put it in my mouth.
Damn, it still tastes good. I bow my head in shame at this discovery as I chew.
Mai cheers and punches the air. “Woohoo! Shin owes me big time!”
I swallow the remains and shake my head at her continued antics. “Just how many bets about me did you guys make?”
“Enough.” She smiles. “So, about the dish…”
Mai and Kai engage in a brief discussion about possible ways to improve on the sauce. Apparently the gyoza itself is in no need of further iterations. The only feedback I’m able to give is that it was perhaps too salty and slightly runnier than I’d like. When Mai’s done gathering feedback she takes the plates back to the kitchen alongside our empty mugs.
Kai and I use the down time to let the food sink in, though I spend much of it worried Kai is going to keep prying at my personal life. Before she’s able to get the chance, Mai reappears with three tea cups in one hand and a freshly brewed pot in the other. She must’ve had that going in the back while running this experiment on me.
“So, Hisao, what’s been bugging you?” She sets a cup down for each of us and pours us all some tea. I stare at her hesitantly. “It’s decaf too, no worries.”
Not what was on my mind. I shake my head, then clarify, “Why do you ask?”
“Hisao, we’ve been best friends for how long now? You’ve changed a lot these past few months – as my wallet’s coming to terms with – but you haven’t changed that much.” She mixes a spoonful of honey into her tea and sips it.
I get a scoop for myself and stir it in, then again with a second scoop. “It’s nothing.”
“Don’t give me that, you ass. If it really was nothing you wouldn’t be walking around with that damn mopey expression staining your face.” Instead of answering her I continue to stir my tea as the honey dissolves. Mai folds her hands on the table. “Look, Hisao, I know things have changed. That’s cool. It makes sense. But if you really want us to go back to how we were before, you need to start trusting us again. There’s never been this many damn walls between us.”
Kai shifts in her seat and glances at the door. “It’s fine if you need me to leave for a little…”
“No.” I start. “That’s fine. You can stay. It’s just… relationship troubles, I guess.” Shin was saying the same thing yesterday. Why is it so hard for me to talk to them about all this in the first place? Is my new default really to keep everything to myself?
Mai grabs a chair and pulls it around to the other side of the counter, then sits down. She rests her chin on a fist. “So talk. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“Something like that, I think.” I sit up and rub my face, trying to sort it all out myself. I’ve avoided doing so for days now, but I can’t do that forever. “It was fine all up until a couple nights ago. She called me out of the blue at half-past midnight, drunk.”
In my periphery I can see Kai tense up, then turn away. Mai hums to herself. “From the picture you painted of her, I didn’t think she’d be the type.”
“It didn’t exactly surprise me, but I was in the same boat too. She’s always been someone willing to experiment and try new things so the drinking isn't surprising. What got me is that it didn’t sound like she had done it just for fun; there was this desperate edge in her voice. And it was like she couldn’t stop running her mouth…”
Kai slowly turns back forward and rubs a finger around the edges of her glass. “She started being mean, didn’t she?”
I nod. Kai smirks bitterly with a huff of air, then lowers her head. In the short time I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her look so… solemn. The bitterness is unexpected as well. It doesn’t suit her.
Mai takes a sip of her tea, then says, “So, what happened?”
“She told me to screw off at one point. Said I had a hero complex, called me an asshole, said I worry too much, that… that she shouldn’t have trusted me and that she… that she…” I ball up my fist. The end of the conversation replays in my head over and over again. Why would she say that? How could she say that? “She doesn’t think I love her.” A tear finally falls down the side of my face and I wipe it off quickly.
It takes a moment for me to catch my breath. Mai waits patiently while I do. “You think she meant all of that?”
“To be honest, she’s said similar things in the past. Blunt things. This wasn’t our first fight, but it was different than last time. Back then she was saying those things defensively, trying to egg me on so I’d stop trying to get closer to her. I think if she really meant everything she said the other night and if it was the same as the first time, she’d have broken up with me on the spot. But she didn’t.” I might have cut her off before she could, but I don’t think that’s what was going on. I don’t get it though, why does she have to try and tackle my shit when her situation is so much worse?
I pause to take a sip of my tea, and while I do I glance over to Kai. She’s been unusually quiet this whole time. There’s an unfocussed look in her eyes, and she’s rubbing her wrists.
Mai waits another moment before asking, “You think there’s a reason?”
“I think there’s more going on. When the call ended– I mean when I hung up on her, I could tell she didn’t really mean to say everything that way. She was surprised I was mad and tried to stop me, but I hung up on her before she could say anything else. Then I’ve blown her off the past couple nights using my parents as an excuse.” Emi hasn’t tried to call since yesterday morning, and she didn’t respond to my texts saying I’d be missing our calls the past two nights. I’m not even sure if I’m gonna call her tonight or push it off again.
Mai leans on the counter, trying to find a response or follow-up to that, but she can’t. We sit in silence for a minute, before Kai decides to rejoin the conversation. “Just because she might not have really meant those words doesn’t mean she didn’t say them. It’s okay if you’re hurt.”
“So what? That’s just it then? It’s over?” I don’t want that. I miss talking to her, but what do I say? It’s just as Kai says, she really did say those things and I can’t just forget that.
Kai shakes her head. “I can’t tell you that. But your feelings are valid. So unless what she said about you not loving her is true-”
“It’s not.” My fingers scrape against the counter.
Kai smiles, but there’s pain behind it. “Then I think you two need to talk.”
“Sounds like it.” I sigh.
A hand squeezes my shoulder and I turn to see Mai giving a nod of encouragement. Her smile falters. “Unless there’s more to the story you’re not telling us…”
Plenty, probably. But… “I think I need to sort it all out first. Seems like I’ve got a knack for getting in these situations, huh?”
Mai smirks, but it wavers and she backs off. “In any case, we’ve got classes to prepare for in a couple days and I need to clean this place up.”
“Right. We better get going then.” I stand up and stretch.
Mai grabs our empty cups and turns to the kitchen, but stops. “Hisao, is that really all there is to the story?”
All that’s worth going into for now. “Yeah, why?”
She hesitates, then turns around with a smile. “It’s nothing. Thanks for the feedback, you two. It helped a lot.”
Kai’s old self shines back through, “Thanks for the meal!” She smiles brightly and turns to leave.
I wave to Mai and follow Kai out of the store. We’re headed in different directions, but before we part ways Kai stops me. She’s doing her best to maintain her smile, but I can tell it’s failing. “Hey Hisao, um… Don’t blame yourself for what she said. She made the decision to- drink and then call you. You didn’t force her to do or say any of that.”
“Thanks, Kai.” She nods and quickly spins on her heel to head the other direction. She sprints for a moment before turning to wave goodbye to me mid-sprint with a toothy smile. How she has that much energy all the time will forever amaze me.
But not as much as her lack of self awareness. I’m glad Mai didn’t mention the whipped cream either.
~ ~ ~
Condensation gathers on the outside of the cup slowly, and the pooled droplets of water sag under the changing gravity as I tip the cup from one side to the other, and back again. A messy ring of water stains the paper underneath causing the graphite to lose shape and spread; an old math assignment that I don’t need anymore. A couple drops on the side of the cup combine and speed to the table, expanding the pool. Meanwhile my other hand toys with my phone, spinning it in circles on the desk. Sometimes I stop the spinning and hold it in place, opening and closing it over and over.
“Like you don’t love me enough to do that.”
You don’t understand, Emi. Last time I burdened everyone around me with my shit I nearly lost every last person that cared for me. They had their own shit to work through and all I did was add to their plate. I can’t do that to you. You need- I want to give you my support so I don’t hold you back while you recover. It’s what your strength should be going towards right now. Not me. I can’t steal your chance at getting back on the track. Taking on my burdens right now, that’s too self-destructive even for you.
Forcing others to handle my issues never goes well. This is something I need to fight on my own.
But at this rate I might lose you if I keep you in the dark, so what do I do?
‘… then maybe we aren’t right for each other.”
I can’t accept that.
I won’t.
The phone rings four times before she picks up. “Hey, Emi.”
“Hey, Hisao.”
“Sorry for missing the past few nights. My parents had this entire thing planned out for the past… well in any case we’ve done a lot of running around and I’ve been busy.”
“It’s fine.” Emi sounds so drained. Tired. “I was pretty busy too. And time with your family is important, so don’t worry about it.” Making time for you is important too. You should be saying that I’d find the time if it mattered.
“How’s your leg doing?” Great start, Hisao. Really great.
“Doing fine. Just a waiting game at this point. My arms aren’t getting sore from the crutches anymore.”
“That’s good.” This is going nowhere fast. Do I just bring it up?
“Yeah.” I can’t, can I? Not when she’s this worn out just from her day to day. “Hey. we need to talk.”
I said something similar to her a while back. “Didn’t you say that that’s never a good thing to say?”
“Maybe it can be, this time. I hope.” I smirk at the reversed roles we’re taking and reference to my response, but my heart sinks. She continues, “You’re… not doing well – and I know that. And I know you think you need to keep it from me because you’re scared I can’t handle it or some other misguided notion of trying to protect me, but you can talk to me about it.”
I respond almost as a reaction. “I’m okay.” Liar.
“You aren’t. And you won’t talk to me and I don’t know why.”
“I can deal with this on my own.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“I need to.”
“Why?”
“I just do.”
“No, you don’t, Hisao. I-”
My mouth starts moving before I can stop it. “Yes, I do, because I don’t even understand what’s going on with me right now.” My thoughts start pouring out as words like a dam’s been broken wide open. “It has to be all the stress and I must’ve learned from you too well because I got so used to being able to run to clear my head that now that I can’t it’s just all building up and tearing away at me. So I can’t tell you about what’s going on. Last time I did that I drove everyone around me away because they had their own issues to deal with and I was so weak I made them deal with mine too and it broke them. I can’t do that to you.”
Emi stays silent for a moment. When she speaks, it’s like she’s talking through gritted teeth. “So that’s how it’s going to be?”
“Look, Emi, if this is about a few nights ago-”
Her tone suddenly changes. She’s completely neutral now. “It isn’t. I-... barely remember what happened.”
“Ah…” I remember every last word. And I think she does too. “Yeah… neither do I. I was pretty tired and out of it.”
“I’ve got some stuff to do, Hisao, so I think I should go.”
“Okay Emi, I’ll let you get to your stuff. Talk to you later?”
“Sure. Bye.”
…
Damn it, Hisao.
What is wrong with you?
Table of Contents | Previous Scene: Scene 7 - Chapter 1: Family Appointment | Next Scene: Scene 8: Past and Present. Present and Future. (Coming December 20th or sooner)
Hey! It's that part where I thank you for reading. So thanks!
First off, gotta confess that I lied. My goal to post this earlier wasn't to finish reworking Scenes 8 and 9, it was finishing scenes 8, 9, and 10. And... I failed. Kind of. Scenes 8 and 9 are now at a point I'm pretty happy with, but I haven't quite hit that point with 10. It's about half done. That said, here I am posting this on the 20th, so I'm still holding to that original promise even if I wasn't able to get quite as far as I'd like. I haven't quite decided if I'm continuing the 2 week schedule from here because if I do it means I will definitely catch up to what I have written before too long, but it's also helping me keep on working on it. So i may or may not post the start of scene 8 on December 6th, or I may wait until the 20th. If anything, I want to keep this semi-consistent schedule going until the end of Act 1, so I'll try to consider that as I decide.
Unfortunately the picture for last chapter still isn't done. I had considered getting one commissioned for this chapter as well, but until I'm able to land a new job I should pull back on those, no matter how much I'd like to. Perhaps it's something I could come back and add once I've finished the story as a whole.
Speaking of, a chapter of two halves here! I feel like I'm doing a bit too much talking about the chapters in these sections, so I'll leave that to you guys to decide to bring up or not in conversation here or elsewhere. Either way, this is another one of those chapters I had to sit with and consider adding in, since it wasn't a part of "the original plan", and I couldn't be happier with it. I hope that the enthusiasm I had for this chapter shows in the writing!
In any case, before I go on any more tangents I'll pull back here and thank you all again for coming back and reading, as well as the kind comments and engagement! This story has been a joy to work on and I couldn't have ever imagined where it'd bring me when I started it. See you in the next one!
