I remember that time. During our days at Yamaku.
"I never said you were broken, or anything like that!"
"It's written on your face, it's written on Lilly's face, it's written on everybody's faces! I see a therapist every week, Lilly dotes on me as if I were her child, and now... even you! Nothing's changed, nothing at all! I hate Lilly, and I... I hate you more than anyone...! Go! Leave me alone! Get out of here!"
After that ? Hisao and I never speak again. When I see Hisao on the classroom, I feel the distance between us are gone. Vanished. Like dust. When he saw me, I sense…..sadness and regret. Unspoken one. And then there’s a night Lilly call me and ask about what did I think about them. I tell her the truth and Lilly is crying on the call, then she simply understand why I said such things to Hisao.
When Lilly returned from Scotland, we talked for hours and we decide to try again on our friendship, but with more honesty. Then Lilly tried to talk with Hisao on phone after our talks and he simply told Lilly that he wished to be left alone. I think from how Lilly’s describe her phone call with Hisao, his voices is no longer cheerful and happy, like we are always hear. Lilly know he is at fault because he ignore her advice, but to think that Hisao somehow become like that…. I wish he can be honest.
Rather trying to protect me, he should be honest about himself to you, Lilly said.
In the end, we don’t talk again with him. He simply moves on or something like that, we don’t know. But when we want to approach him during our graduation, he simply bows to us and then…gone. He is gone with his parents and never looked back again. I remember how I am crying and in panic state while Lilly and Akira held me. Because in the end, Hisao won’t let us know how he feels.
Until this day. Ten years later.
Currently, I am working at local bakery near Yamaku. The owner is kind, she let me work here and I feel happy. Most of our customers are Yamaku students and staffs. Of course, they know me, as Yamaku’s one of the graduates. While I am working as Bakery staff, I also working on my side projects, such as book review, news, and many freelance stuffs related to journalism. I did graduate from university, actually. It’s a journalism private university, the one Lilly recommended to me. At first, I don’t know how to get along with others, but as time flies, I actually get used with everyone, until graduation from university.
I decide to work here because I want to take things slow on journalism. I also admire this bakery since our Yamaku days, so I want to know more about bakery stuffs. And then, I grab as much journalism freelance work as I can from my friends, and they paid me well. With have two income source, I think I really enjoy how my life leads me now.
But, I still…..thinking about Hisao Nakai. The boy who speaks to me at Library. I really missed him until now. Because I still want to make things right again with him. I hope, I can meet him again. God, if they exist, please hear my plea and allow me to meet Hisao again.
Then I hear our welcome bell rings. A customer.
‘Welcome to the Iwanashi Bakery!!”
The customer, I don’t think I see him around. Although his hair style is kind similar. All I can see is a man, maybe on his early 30’s, wearing brown tint glasses, his hair is actually messy and outgrown a bit, and unkempt beard. But aside that, he seemingly nice person. He wears a Brown leather jacket with his black polo shirt and black jeans. He looks like so tired. Then I start to ask him about his order.
“Hello. May I have your order?”
The man wipes his face with his Handkerchief. He sighs and then he smile to me.
“What a weather. Should not wear leather jacket on this weather, right?”
“I could say agree.” Both of us chuckling.
“Then I would have ice green tea and chocolate waffle cake.”
“All right” I put the code on my registry machine and then I pull the bill. “This order is under name of….?”
“Hisao Nakai.”
Eh? Hisao Nakai? And the man look at me, smiling.
“It’s been a while, Hanako Ikezawa.”
I am still confused, this is real…. him ? But he seemingly understands that I am still confused and he took off his glasses. I see the face that I once yell to. The face of kind boy who play chess with me. And his face….. is still kind like back then, but more older. And he smile to me. I am not crying.
No, I am crying right now. I want to let out my feelings to him.
“HISAOOOOO!!! YOU ARE STUPID!!!! HUWAAHHHHH!!!”
I step out from my work area and hug him immediately. He returns my hug. Passionately. There’s my owner and customers see us, but I don’t care. He is here, the most matter one.
So, the owner decides to allow me spend time with Hisao while she prepares Hisao’s order. I and Hisao sit on customer’s table, facing each other. He pulls out his bag, and took out a file binder. He shows me with such great pride. I read the file binder and I see the content is most of my articles. My works so far. I am overjoying about this.
“You did well, Hanako. I am so proud of you. I follow up you works on some news outlet.”
“Thank----thank you, Hisao.” I reply him with shy, but a relief that he actually follow up what I am doing on this past year.
Then Hisao rub his eyes. And his face is become sad. I don’t want to see Hisao being sad. We just meet and he become this fragile. I want to hug him but he stops me right there.
“First, I want to say I am sorry that I have no guts back then to apologize. All I do is pushing you and thinks that protect you is the most important thing. But I am wrong. After that, I don’t have any face to see you and Lilly again.”
“Hisao…it’s on the past…. You still remember that?”
“Yeah, and I am feeling guilty about that. Even after graduation.”
Hisao lowered his head sadly and it seemed like he still couldn't look me in the eye. I could feel a great sense of regret. I didn't want this. What I wanted was for me and him to be able to make peace with the past.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come. Or… want to see me at all.”
“I almost didn’t. Ten years is a long time.” He pauses, then…
“But… it’s also long enough to realize when something’s been left unfinished.”
And he sighing. I think he still emotional.
“Yeah. I’ve thought about that day so many times. What I said—what I didn’t say… I wasn’t fair to you. I told myself I was protecting you, or maybe sparing you, but that was just cowardice. You deserved honesty.”
“You were scared. I was too. Back then, I… I didn’t know how to handle someone caring about me. I thought if I wasn’t perfect, people would leave.”
Then I smiling, to him. The man who I missed every day.
“But I learned life doesn’t work that way. People leave for all kinds of reasons.”
Hisao is surprised but I think his guilt still makes him feel uncomfortable.
“I never stopped thinking about you. Wondering how you were doing, if you were happy. I wanted to reach out a hundred times. But I didn’t think I had the right anymore.”
“Maybe you didn’t.” I look down, then back up.
“But people change. I’ve changed. And the truth is… part of me always hoped you’d show up again. Maybe not with grand words or perfect timing—just honestly.”
Then Hisao brave himself up. I am glad he is able to overcome his guilt, although not entirely.
“Then let me be honest now. I still care about you. I don’t know what the future looks like, but if there’s even a small chance we could start again… I want to try. No more hiding.”
I smile gently, and I hold his hand. He holds my hand too. And he smiles gently. Oh, the smile I missed every day.
“I forgive you, Hisao. For all of it. We were young, and broken in different ways.” Then I pause, and.
“But maybe now… we’re strong enough to try again. Not as who we were—
—but as who we are.”
Hisao nodded in agreement. It’s still weird to see Hisao on unkempt beard, but he looks like more mature and wise thorough years.
“I don’t want to run away from things anymore. I don’t want to hide behind excuses, or protect people by keeping them at a distance. If we try again… I want to do it right. With everything out in the open. Even the hard parts.”
My eyes are glimmering. I really want to hug him.
“Then let’s promise each other something. No more guessing. No more silence. If we’re going to build something… it has to be with honesty.”
“Deal. All of it—truth, flaws, awkward moments and all.”
Then he smirks to me.
“And I’m warning you now: I do better at chees now and I’m still awful at texting.”
Both of us laughing. How long we missed this?
“I don’t mind. I’ve missed your voices and laughs.”
The weight between us are lifting. I can see the warmth of our table is undeniable. Then Hisao break the silence.
“So… where do we start?”
“Right here. With you. And no more looking back. But first…”
I leave him and grab his order. The sweet ice green tea and Chocolate waffle cake.
“Tell me what you have been in these ten years and enjoy these.”
We are both smile and understand, we are start anew to second chances, to honesty, and to something new.
