One thing strikes me like a punch in the face, a bludgeoning sense of déjà vu. Sitting surrounded by my friends - all talking to me, or about me, or around me - while I sit here feeling numb. Dissociating from people while I replay another event revolving around my heart.
It’s like I haven’t learned anything at all.
Akio tried to make me laugh, spinning a yarn about one of his failed attempts at romance. Molly was gently petting my hand, looking sympathetic. Taro and Saki stood apart, talking to each other.
Almost exactly like the first time my Meguro friends visited me in the hospital.
I tried my best to be sociable and not retreat back into myself like I did a long time ago but it’s hard. I appreciate my friends now more than I ever did in the past but even acknowledging that… I feel like a failure as I slink back to my room.
“You didn’t have to follow me…” I grumble as Akio and Molly trail behind me. They insisted on doing so and I didn’t have the energy to say no. Not that it would have stopped them.
“Yeah but I want to check out the showers on this floor! If it really is just you and that shut-in, I think I might have to start coming up here!” Akio beams, leaning on his cane as he waddles slowly.
“Great, I get to be harassed by a whole other flavour of lunatic in the morning…” I half-joke, as Akio creeps into my periphery with a sinister grin.
“That’s the spirit.”
“Stop scaring the straight, Akio…” Molly jabs Akio in his shoulder blade, knocking him forward a little. “But it’s weird that it’s just you two up here… I mean I know there’s less guys in general but you thought they might spread people around a little more.”
“Safety in numbers.” I muse, which flashes me back all the way to the first time I met Rika. Back at the post office. Wasn’t the first time she met me though…
“Dude, I know you’re excited about sharing a shower with me but you don’t need to show me right now.” Akio drags me back to the present and I find myself, mid-step, five feet away from my two friends. Molly leans to Akio and whispers something as I turn and walk back to my friends; stopping at my door.
“Buuut I think I’m going to go check them out now, back in a minute!” Akio winks at me and disappears from sight as Molly tilts her head at me curiously.
“Where’d you go just now, mate?”
“I… I was thinking about Rika.” I admit. “She said ‘safety in numbers’ the first time we met.”
“I mean; she weren’t exactly wrong, was she? We’re better off sticking together.” Molly reaches out and squeezes my bicep before quickly pulling back. “I mean, looking out for each other, y’know?”
“Yeah. Thanks for putting up with me today.” I smile down at the girl and she smiles back, stroking her left braid.
“No worries…”
“So do you have a favourite stall or can I just call dibs?” Akio asks from over my shoulder.
A withering look from me doesn’t dissuade his smirk so I just offer up my knuckles and he knocks his fist against mine.
“Are you going to be okay?” Akio asks and I let my eyes wanders as I take a few seconds to answer, only to offer an unsure shrug.
“Ask me in the morning.” I reach for the door and they say their goodbyes. Akio will hold me to that and be here bright and early and after this god awful day, I think I’ll need it. I go through my usual evening routine, taking the handful of pills I need to survive. I pause, looking at the colourful pills and thumbing them around in my palm.
As cliché as the thought is… I wish Rika was here. She’d have so many ideas on how I could fix this situation. It’s ironic that she’s on the opposite side of it; my opponent, even.
I really need to plan out what I’m going to do about her but right now… I’m too spent to do that. I gulp down my pills and prepare for bed. All I can do is get some sleep and get ready for the next battle.
“…And I expect you to do better in the future, Nakai. Take your seat; Hakamichi and Mikado will have any notes about the lessons you missed yesterday.” Mutou’s stern voice and expression softens slightly, adding a whispered addendum. “And a much worse lecture than I gave.”
I decided I’d just take my lumps from Mutou for missing classes without offering a reason but it seems like the Nurse intervened on my behalf so that saved me from detention. It won’t save me from the student council, unfortunately. Shizune, via Misha, is very cross that I skipped a whole day of school without a good explanation.
Shizune’s tone always changes when translated through Misha so it’s hard to say if she is actually annoyed or if she is just playing around. It’s only when Misha’s done interpreting that she turns to me and whispers. “But what she really means is; are you alright, Hicchan?”
“I’m honestly not sure… But thank you for asking, Misha.” I answer plainly and Misha makes a worried face before sliding her notebook over to me.
“I know my notes from yesterday aren’t the best…”
“Better than mine.” I joke a little and her expression brightens.
“Right, right! You should be better at keeping notes while skipping class to help me!” Misha giggles quietly.
My phone buzzes towards the end of lunch time and it’s a message I was dreading.
[Hey, Hisao. I think we really need to talk. Do you want to meet me at the Shanghai at 6pm?]
“Who’s that?” Akio peers over my shoulder and I pull my phone out of his view.
“Who do you think it is?” Molly asks from the opposite side of me, also craning her neck to look at the screen. Why bother hiding it? They’ll just pester me until I tell them anyway… I hold my phone up so they both can read it while I wait for their comments.
“The Shanghai?” Akio questions but Molly is quick to offer an explanation.
“Makes sense. It’s a public place. Less likely either of them are gonna make a scene.”
“I guess but it could still get heated.”
“Trust me, I’ve seen break-ups on both sides of the pond; you lot a way less likely to glass each other in an eatery.” Molly chuckles but then catches herself when she realises she said something she shouldn’t have. “B-b-but it’s n-not like you guys are breaking-up!”
I sigh and look down at the screen as it flickers to black, Akio chiming in.
“Think you can get another one of your feet in your mouth, Molls; or are you full?”
She sheepishly looks down, wringing her hands in her lap. I shake my head and press the down key to bring the message back up and moving the blinking cursor to the reply box.
“I’m going to have to talk to her eventually… Though I’ve got no clue what I’m going to say…” I admit. “I just really want to talk to her.”
“Then start by saying yes.” Molly says in a quiet, wistful way. I nod and begin typing out my
[Sure, I’ll meet you there.]
It takes about another minute for an acknowledgement to come through. So what the hell am I going to say to her?
Akio fusses with my jacket and hair as we walk down the hill toward the Shanghai. We’re slowed by his mobility and his insistence that I look just right.
“He looks fine, leave him alone!” Molly protests, batting his hands away from my face, narrowly missing my nose.
“She needs to see what she’s missing!” Akio is flustered. He’s been trying to coach me on what to say for the past hour. Mostly fanciful literature quotes and filthy double entendre.
“I think she knows what he looks like, Akio!” Molly pats down my hair into it’s usual, default state, plucking up the stray hair I always have for good measure. “She likes how he always looks.”
“I hope so. I’ve only got two looks.” I give her an appreciative yet self-deprecating smile.
“Well, at least it’s the hoodie…” Akio mutters. We continue the slow walk down the hill; Akio and Molly offering wildly opposing pieces of advice while I try to organise my own thoughts.
I want to be with Rika. I love her. We have so much in common. We like to hang out all the time. We’re good together. We can find a compromise. I can change, she can change too.
Akio is first through the door to the Shanghai, scanning the interior before gesturing with his head while holding the door open. I have to duck under his arm to do so but I quickly take a look around the rest of the café and it’s full of the usual mix of elderly townsfolk and Yamaku kids.
I then follow Akio’s nod in a certain direction and spot Rika in one of the booths with Fuuka parked up on the outside edge of the table and a guy I don’t recognise opposite Rika.
“Who’s that?” Akio leans in to whisper.
“No idea…”
The guy catches sight of us and points us out to Rika and Fuuka, who both look at our group. Fuuka takes a look around and says something to the guy and they both move to leave Rika alone.
“Looks like we should take a walk too. Not much room in here and I think Hisao’d do better without an audience.” Molly nudges Akio with a very suggestive tone in her voice.
“Yeah, right, um… Break a leg?” Akio shoots me a look that’s equal parts supportive and not, like he’s unsure what the right thing to say is.
“Fucks sake… You’re rubbish at this!” Molly hisses quietly at Akio before turning to pat my arm. “Good luck, Hisao.”
“Thanks, guys.” I offer an appreciative smile and give them, and the fast approaching Fuuka a wide berth. I smile and nod to Fuuka who responds in kind. Should I take that as a good sign? If Rika was still mad, Fuuka would be on her side and hate me too, right?
The guy who was sitting with them, however, doesn’t pay me any attention and that kind of annoys me.
My friends and Rika’s start to converse as they leave, no doubt about us, and I’m left with a long walk over a short distance to the booth where Rika sits expectantly. She hasn’t bothered to tie her hair back today; brushed, but not made in one of the ways she usually does. She’s still in her uniform but so are some of the other kids in here; including me.
“You can sit down, Hisao. I’m not going to bite.”
I flinch internally at Rika’s invitation, gulp hard, and move to the opposite side of the table to her.
“I ordered for you; hope that’s okay?”
“Y-Yeah, that’s fine. How much do I owe you?” I reach for my wallet but she holds up a hand in response.
“Nothing, I got it this time.”
“Okay…” I cast my eyes down to the table, then back up to Rika, then to the counter. Focus, seriously… “So how was your day?”
Smooth. I frown and drop my head at how stupid that must sound right now. What was I thinking? It’s only when I hear the familiar laugh from across the table that I think things might just be okay.
“Heh, guess I’m not the only one who’s nervous as heck.” Rika chuckles, brushing an errant bang behind her ear as the waitress brings our order and places it on the table. We both thank her at the same time then go back to awkwardly sitting there.
“But my day’s been okay. Tiring, but okay. I bet you got into some trouble for being a no-show yesterday?” Rika engages the conversation again and I nod. For saying she’s nervous, she’s not showing it.
“Yeah but the nurse covered for me, which was weird of him to do.” I rub the back of my head, still not sure why he would do that.
“He probably felt bad for you.” Rika shrugs, putting sugar into her tea and stirring it. The way she said that… “But I’m glad you didn’t get into trouble.”
“Yeah.” I take a sip of my coffee and it’s still too hot to use it as an excuse to not talk, even though I am struggling to think of a single thing to say. The silence is foreboding. Heavy. I can see Rika’s shoulders slump and a bemused look appear on her face.
“This is harder than I thought it’d be…” Rika admits, looking at me with big, red doe-eyes. “I thought I’d be ready with all these… things to say by the time you sat down but, honestly, I don’t.”
“Is it bad that I’m happy for that? I didn’t really know what mood you’d be in or if I’d even get a word in and I kept thinking about the argument…” I offer and we share a look that speaks volumes. We both feel awful about it, obviously.
“I guess we should talk about that then… Why’d you come to my room looking for a fight?” Rika asks and her sadness mixes with a smidge of the same indignant rage I saw in her that night. “You could have just asked about the letter when you found it.”
“Yeah. I guess I knew I could have but then I saw it and I just…” My hands flex out, like it illustrates my point but even I’m not convinced. “I don’t know why I took it and I don’t know why I acted the way I did.”
I sigh, rubbing my eyes with the thumb and middle finger of my dominant hand.
“And then I got in my head and between what happened when we…” I look at Rika, then around us to see there are enough people at the surrounding tables that don’t need to hear the details. “And what you wrote… I got angry. I felt small. Like all this time I was just a project you were working on that you wouldn’t get to complete. Or that I’d fail despite how much time you put into me if you weren’t around.”
Rika frowns as I explain and that just makes me feel worse. My anxieties and shitty attitude drove my school friends away after I had my heart attack and now I might drive away another.
“You were never a project, Hisao. I care a lot about you and I’m sorry if my letter made you feel that way.” Rika sighs. “But I wanted to make sure you’d be okay when I was gone, that you knew how much you mattered.”
“Well that’s not what it felt like reading it.”
“It was a spur of the moment thing but I guess could have thought about it more.”
We take a moment to drink, ruminating on what we’ve each said so far.
“But I was right about one thing…” Rika sets her cup down with a snort of amusement. “You’re still a worry-wart.”
“Can you blame me? After everything we’ve been through?” I ask, incredulously.
“I’d hoped because of that you’d learned to relax. I mean, you’re so tightly wound, especially since I had my procedure.”
“Well, I’m sorry for being concerned!”
“Hey. I’m not going to get back into that argument with you.” Her intense eyes bore a hole through my sarcasm but when her eyes drift sideways I suddenly remember where we are. “Besides; I think you’ve made your opinion pretty friggin’ clear.”
I press my lips tight together, almost literally biting my tongue, because I don’t want to make a scene. I’m starting to think this was her plan from the start. I take a few calming breaths and nod slowly.
“So have you. That’s clearly not going to change any time soon.”
“No… But I didn’t like arguing with you, Hisao. Please believe that I don’t ever want to fight with you like that again.” Rika’s eyebrows furrow with worry, a pitiful expression on her face.
“So how do we get past this, Rika? I just want to go back to how things used to be…”
“I’d like that too but I think…” Rika begins before heaving a heavy sigh. “I think that we need some more time to figure out how we do that. We need to take a breather; just like you said.”
My heart hurts all over again as I slump back. Just like last night when she shouted at me to get out.
“I don’t like this either, okay?”
“Good; because it sucks on this side of the table too.” I spit at her, not even thinking.
“Don’t sulk, Hisao, I’m actually agreeing with you.” Rika returns my hostility in kind.
“That we need time apart instead of fixing things?”
“That’s how we fix things! We’re barely able to sit at the same table without sniping at each other so what can it hurt to take some time away from each other to figure out what we want?”
I can’t argue with the logic of it but that doesn’t make it feel any better… We care about each other, undoubtedly, but maybe that’s the problem. We’re like antiparticles; the same but different. Or a mirror match in her terms. Two sides of the same coin.
How are we supposed to reconcile when we both think we’re right? Two things can be correct at the same time - that’s just a fact - but people aren’t wired like that. I could see us arguing about our conditions a lot and that’s not good for either of us; mentally or physically.
“So,” An exasperated sigh leaves my lips as I lock eyes with Rika, the disappointment and frustration painted across my face as clear as day. “What do we do now?”
[On a scale of one-to-ten; how cold is it there?]
[It’s very cold, Rika; I should have brought some gloves. Whose stupid idea was this again?]
[I believe that it was your stupid idea, senpai!]
[Yeah, that tracks. It’s a different kind of cold here in city.]
[And I told you to pack gloves since your hands get as bad as mine. But what do I know? (◔_◔)]
[Yeah, yeah, I get it.]
[How’s your Mom and Dad? Have you told them?]
[Mom is just happy to have me home for the holidays but Dad has asked how things between us are. Hoped you’re doing okay too.]
[This is why your Dad’s my favourite~!]
[Yes, he’s basically said the same thing about you. Please don’t date my dad…]
[No promises!]
[How’s things on your end? Did the recital go well?]
[I wish you could have seen it; Saki was amazing! She sang this one song and I actually cried. A real Hannoki Falls moment. I’ll see if anyone got a video.]
[Given that the Theatre Club got roped into her plan, it wouldn’t surprise me at all.]
I chuckle to myself at the thought of Fuuka passing up any opportunity to show off her management skills. She’ll have made the production look almost professional. As the soft crunch of the snow gives way to the wet but gritted sidewalk, I can tell I’m nearing my end goal.
My rapid breathing fogs the air more than I’d like but the fact that I haven’t had to stop along the way shows how far I’ve come with Miki’s daily exercise routine. Emi wasn’t too pleased at my choice of trainers but, between Miki and Molly, I’m finding myself a lot closer to my pre-heart attack condition.
August seems like such a long time ago. I feel stronger, more energetic, more confident… Which is why I find myself back in Meguro in the snow.
[I’m probably going to be quiet for the next few hours so don’t worry if you don’t hear from me.]
[I never worry, senpai! Give my love before you give yours; it’d be awkward the other way around.]
I smirk down at Rika’s last message and slip my phone into my pocket. I wince at the twilight sun flaring over the nearby hills, raising my hand to block the brilliant rays. And there I was thinking I was flying blind already…
“Four o’clock, on the dot.” A dainty voice announces itself and I adjust the angle of my hand so I can see the person in front of me. “Nice to see you again, Hisao.”
“Same to you, ‘Nako. ” A joyous smile spreads across my lips, happy that she agreed to meet me. The reconciliation we had months ago was a good first step but it was only after months of talking with Iwanako over text and email that I decided I’d throw caution to the wind and run back this particular encounter.
We stand there, grinning like idiots at each other; Iwanako clearly waiting for me to make the first move this time. Can hardly blame her with what happened last time but things are different now. I’ve had time to adjust, to gain experience and level up.
“So…” Iwanako blushes, her eyes locking with mine as she lazily twirls her long dark hair around her finger. “Here we are. Out in the cold.”
A snort of amusement escapes my nose in a puff of warm fog and I take a step toward Iwanako. My heart pounds but I’m confident in how it’s pounding. It’s a good feeling. Okay, Hisao, let’s see if all that coaching from Akio and Molly paid off… I brush my hand back through my hair and flash a debonair smile.
“Well, you see… I wanted to know…”
I don’t even get to finish the sentence.
