It’s the next day. I texted Daiki last night and asked him for one more day before we meet. I felt bad, but I still don't know what to do. He was very sweet and patient about it.
As important as responding to his confession is to me, I also have some other concerns right now. I need to try and fix things with Akane, who has ignored all of my text messages since last night.
And I need to get Chiyo and Akane to talk to one another. I don't know what happened between them. But Akane said they haven't spoken in two years. So they've never talked about whatever caused them to stop being friends. I think they will both feel better if they do.
Akane seems willing to talk to her based on what she said yesterday before she got upset. And I think if Akane would avoid being rude, Chiyo would talk to her too. They used to be best friends, so they can't really hate one another. Not entirely. Can they?
I have a plan to make that happen. I'm not very clever, so it’s pretty simple. But I think it could work.
First though, I need to get Akane to talk to me. I'm standing in front of her door now. This is hard and I'm worried she won't want to be friends anymore, but last time she left my room upset, we just talked it out and things were okay. I'm nervous, but I have to do this.
I whisper, “Dorayaki,” to myself and knock on her door. There's no response.
I knock again and say, “Akane…i-it's Nagisa. I just…I want to talk to you, if you'll let me.”
When she opens the door, she looks more bashful than anything, which surprises me, “H-hey.”
“H-hi,” I look down at my feet, “I just…wanted to apologize.” I look back up at her, “I’m very sorry for making you feel like you aren't my best friend. B-but…you are, you really really are. I promise. That won't change e-even if I have a boyfriend.”
She sighs, “I already felt like a terrible person. Watching you apologize all earnestly like that and looking at me with your cute little face makes me feel like even more of one.”
She opens her door and invites me in, and we sit down on the bed together.
“You don't have anything to apologize for. I do. It's all me messing things up again. Like always.”
“Y-you didn't!”
She laughs bitterly, “You're too nice to say it, but I did. Didn't what I did upset you?”
I think for a moment, “Well…yes. I was worried about you.”
She shakes her head in disbelief, “But not mad?”
I shake my head.
“Well…I'm mad. At myself. And so embarrassed and ashamed for acting how I did. That's why I didn't respond to texts or anything. I didn't know what I could possibly say. I accused you of treating me differently for being gay when you never ever do. That…that wasn't right of me.”
She takes off her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose, “I'm just…out of control sometimes. You know that, by now, I guess. Yesterday I had…lots of feelings about everything and it just overwhelmed me and I took it all out on you. I’m so sorry. I…I need to work on myself.”
“I-It's okay. What kind of feelings?”
“Well…it was scary talking to Chiyo for the first time in two years. And the Daiki thing caught me off guard, and then there was lots of jealousy.”
“Huh? Who are you jealous of?”
Her eyes get wide for a moment and then her face relaxes, “Oh. Um…Chiyo. I meant Chiyo, because she knew about Daiki and I didn't.”
“You should know…she figured it out on her own. I guess…because Daiki asked her about the Great Dango Family, and asked her and Ken to leave early so he could confess in the club room at lunch. So, when I was at home, she texted to see if he had confessed and I told her she did. But that was all she knew.”
Akane smiles softly, “You don't have to explain yourself. You’re not obligated to tell me everything before you tell her. I don't have a monopoly on your friendship. I'm just…a crazy person. And I hate that part of me.”
I hug her, “Y-you aren’t crazy. And you shouldn't hate any part of yourself. I don't.”
She sighs and hugs me back, “Maybe ‘crazy’ is a strong word, but I had lots of intense ugly feelings and doubts swirling around inside me and I let them get the better of me instead of acting like a grown up. It happens to me more than it should.” She laughs wryly, “My therapist calls it ‘emotional hijacking.’”
I break the hug, “W-well…it's okay to get upset sometimes. It was a hard situation. You didn't know Chiyo would be there. And I can see why it would upset you that she knew about Daiki before you did.”
She smiles , “I'm very lucky I have such an understanding friend. How can I ever repay you for continuously forgiving me every time I do something stupid and impulsive?”
This gives me an idea.
“W-well…normally I'd say, ‘You repay me just by being my friend,’ but…there is something I really want you to do…Something I think you know you need to do.”
Akane sighs and bows head, “Yeah, okay, fine. I'll do it. I'll talk to her. And…I'll keep my emotions in check. Hopefully.”
…
After I got Akane to agree to talk with Chiyo, I called Chiyo and asked her to come by at 4 to talk about Daiki. She doesn't know Akane will be here too. I feel bad about lying to her, but I don't think I could have convinced her to come otherwise.
Akane's on my bed with the dango, and I'm sitting at my desk.
Once I tell Chiyo to come in, she sighs when she sees Akane and then looks at me, “I had a feeling you would do this. Especially with how nervous you sounded on the phone.” She rolls her eyes, “You're an awful liar. But…I came anyway.”
“Um…h-hey, Chiyo.”
Chiyo ignores Akane and looks at me. I think she wants me to explain myself.
“I-I'm…sorry for tricking you. But…I just want you to talk about what happened between you. I just want you to be friends again. I-if it's possible. I want to be able to be with both of you at the same time. Even if that can't work out…you two need to talk about it. Whatever it is.”
Chiyo sighs and sags her shoulders and sits down on the bed, but as far as possible from Akane, “What do you think, Akane? Should we listen to her? She's done alot for me, so I'm willing to do this for her. What about you?”
Akane sighs and squeezes the dango, “You're… making it sound like this is a competition for who is the better friend to her.”
“Yeah, well. Maybe that was on purpose. What's your answer?”
Akane chuckles, “I'm willing to do it for her too. But…we should do it for us too. Bury the hatchet…before we graduate, at least.”
Chiyo nods.
I smile, glad to see they are willing to try. “Okay…I will leave you two to talk about it.”
I stand up and they both look at me with desperation in their eyes. Chiyo says, “You have to stay.”
Akane nods, “We need you here to moderate. We have tried talking about this before…and it…got violent.”
“V-violent?!”
What do they think I can do if that happens? I'm much smaller than both of them.
Chiyo nods, “I-It's been two years though. We're further removed from it. And more mature. So it probably won't go that way. But we need you here to intervene just in case. You'll snap us out of it.”
Akane nods in agreement and gestures for me to take a seat.
“Okay. I'll stay.” I sit back down at my desk.
Chiyo looks to me, “Which of us should start?”
“Wh-what? I don't even know the subject of the argument…how can I choose?”
Akane nervously says, “I-I’ll start. Since, the thing I did is what…led to us not being friends.”
Chiyo nods, “Okay, can I ask a question to get you started?”
Akane gestures for her to.
“Why the hell did you dig through my student records behind my back to find out about my health?”
I try to stifle a gasp, but don't succeed.
This is what she didn't want me to know about. I understand why now.
Akane looks at me with some serious shame and embarrassment on her face, and then bows her head to Chiyo, “I…thought you weren't being honest with me. You said you had anemia. But you got so nervous and depressed any time health stuff came up. I was really worried about you, but you wouldn't let me in. And it hurt my feelings.”
Chiyo hisses, “Oh, your poor feelings.”
Akane frowns, “I know it's dumb. I was also really worried about you. That you had something…fatal, and I wanted to know so I could help.”
Chiyo crosses her arms and clenches her jaw, “Do you understand now why that was bad?”
Akane nods, “I knew it was wrong then. But…when I found out you were lying, I lost it. I just…couldn't believe you didn't tell me. It hurt a lot. I got irrational. You…know the rest.”
“Yeah, you showed up at my door and yelled at me for lying to you, even though you had done something horrible. You weren’t even trying to comfort me after what you found out. You were just berating me. So I slapped the shit out of you, slammed my door shut, and never spoke to you again.” She nods towards me. “Until Nagisa.”
Akane sniffles and nods, “Yeah. A-and that brings us to today.”
Chiyo seems surprised that Akane is tearing up, and some compassion shows on her face, “I am sorry I lied to you. I wanted to tell you. So many times. But I just…couldn't. I have so much shame about it. I still do. That's why it hurt me that you went behind my back. It's my body. It was up to me to decide to tell people or not and I didn't want to.”
Akane starts to cry more openly, “Y-you're right. I'm so sorry, Chiyo. It wasn't right, what I did.”
Chiyo sighs, “I-it's okay. Thank you for never telling anyone else about my situation. Even after I hit you. Hell, you could probably have gotten me expelled.”
Akane smiles and wipes her tears, “You didn't turn me in either, even though I broke a ton of rules and was a complete bitch.”
Chiyo laughs, “Let's agree we were both bitches. Although…you were more of one. 75-25 at least.”
Akane chuckles and nods, “Agreed.” She pauses for a moment, lost in thought. “There is…one thing I want to know, before we put this all behind us.”
A hesitant Chiyo says, “Okay…”
“Why didn't you think you could tell me? I wouldn't have thought less of you. You had to know that.”
Chiyo sighs, “It's more about me than you, Akane. I just didn't want anyone to know that I can't ever be pregnant. That’s all that matters.”
Akane's eyebrows shoot up and she looks over at me, “Sh-she knows?”
Chiyo nods, “She's the first friend I ever told. And that was two years later. That's how long it took for me to feel ready to tell someone.” She chuckles, “And I only told her because she's an angel.”
Akane smiles at me, “She kind of is, isn't she?” Akane sighs, “But I still…don't understand why you didn't trust me. We were best friends, weren't we?”
Chiyo bristles, “So, still not past this, huh? I’ll say it one more time. I. Didn't. Want. Anyone. To. Know. We just have to leave it at that. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you any more than I already have. If you can't accept that…” She trails off and shakes her head.
“Um…Akane…”
She snaps at me, “What Nagisa? I thought you were staying out of this unless we got out of hand.”
“I-I know…but, can I see you for a minute?”
She sighs and comes over to me with a scowl on her face. I gesture for her to come closer, and I whisper, “Did she know…back then, about…y-your thing you don't want everyone to know?”
Akane’s frustrated face dissolves into a surprised one. Then she looks ashamed. She nods, and goes back to Chiyo on the bed.
When she does, Chiyo laughs, “What was that about?”
“I'm gay.”
Chiyo’s eyebrows shoot up so far they are no longer visible beneath her hair. Then she looks at me and back at Akane.
She points from Akane to me and back again. “Ohhh…and you two are…?” She turns to me, “Wait, is this why you're unsure about Daiki?”
Akane and I both laugh, then Akane says, “No. J-just friends.” She pauses for a moment and then grins, “Though…we did kiss once.”
I feel my face flush, “A-Akane!!!”
She laughs, “Sorry! I'm trying to rebuild a broken friendship, okay! This is what you wanted! So I'm sharing some secrets!”
Chiyo smirks at this information, and then thinks for a moment, “Wait, so why did you tell me this now?”
“Because…I knew I was gay back then, and I didn't tell you. Or want you to know. Even as my best friend. It was because I was worried you'd look at me differently.”
Chiyo nods, “Exactly.”
“Yeah. That's what Nagisa just made me realize. I did the same thing. So…I understand now, why you didn't tell me. I…forgive you, and I'm so sorry for everything. I was way more in the wrong than you ever were. I’m…messed up. I feel like…I’m not good enough all the time - for my family, for my friends - and it makes me crazy sometimes.” She nods towards me, “I even got super angry at this little angel yesterday because I felt that way.”
Chiyo sniffles, “I forgive you too. And I’m sorry too. I should never have hit you…and we probably should have talked it out at some point in the last two years. I’m the reason we didn't.”
The two of them scoot close and then briefly hug each other as they both sniffle.
Then Chiyo smirks at me, “So…now that we’re friends again…tell me about that time you kissed Nagisa.”
Well, at least they're friends again. Even if I wish Akane wouldn't tell this story.
…
I just went to dinner in the cafeteria with Chiyo and Akane. There's definitely still awkwardness and tension between them, but it isn't suffocating like it was. For one thing, they aren’t calling each other names. Now we’re back in my room. We’re going to do what we originally intended: Talk about Daiki.
I’m laying on the bed and holding my dango. Akane is sitting at the head of the bed and Chiyo is at my feet.
Chiyo asks, “Is it because he’s so big? You’re like…the tiniest girl here, apart from maybe that second year girl on the track team. And Daiki might be the biggest guy in the prefecture.”
“N-no. It isn’t because of that.”
Akane scoffs and says, “Seriously, Chiyo. Do you even know Nagisa? Do you really think a guy's medical condition would keep her from liking him?”
Chiyo narrows her eyes at Akane, and so do I.
She looks down, “Um…s-sorry. This is taking some getting used to.”
I pat her on her shoulder, “I-it's okay. But try your best to be nice, okay?”
She nods and looks at Chiyo, “It's embarrassing to say out loud but…I'm jealous that you two are close. A-and that's why that happened. I'll do better.”
Chiyo laughs, “It’s okay. I pretty much feel the same. You two actually seem closer, so I think I'm probably more jealous. It does take some getting used to.” She looks at me, “Anyway, to be clear - it isn't because he’s big.”
I shake my head, and then quietly say, “Um…I think…I k-kind of like it.”
Akane laughs and Chiyo says, “I missed that down here.”
Akane grins, “She likes that he’s big.”
I frown, “I-Is there something wrong with that?”
Chiyo giggles, “Whatever butters your biscuit, you know?”
I sit up in confusion and look at Chiyo, “B-butters my…huh?”
Akane and Chiyo exchange a look and start laughing. I’m lost, but I smile because it's the first time it's been easy to believe that they used to be best friends.
Once they are done laughing, Chiyo says, “Anyway, so it's not his looks.”
I shake my head and smile, “He’s really handsome. And I really like his big hands. And arms. And chest. I guess…I like his big…everything.”
Akane and Chiyo exchange the same look from before and start laughing again.
This time I sigh about not getting the joke.
Akane notices and pats me on the head and says, “Sorry, sorry. You're just very innocent and it's cute. We'll stop laughing.”
Chiyo nods, “So, you think he’s attractive. Does that mean you are unsure about something else about him? Personality wise?”
“I…don't think so. He's cranky sometimes I guess, but I don't really mind. I think he’s really sweet, and I like that he loves animals, and he’s really smart, and funny. And I feel…happy and warm and fuzzy-”
Akane interrupts, "It really sounds like you like him.”
Chiyo nods, “Agreed. You sound pretty damn sure about it to me.”
“I-I do?”
Akane says, “Everything you’re saying would normally mean that, yeah. But you’re still unsure?”
I nod.
Chiyo says, “Hmm…the only thing I can think is you’re still in love with that dumb boy from back home.”
I sit up and say, “H-he’s not dumb!” with more force than I meant to.
Chiyo laughs and rolls her eyes, “If you're still reacting like that to that joke, you must still love him.”
I lay back down. “But…I barely think about him any more. I haven't spoken to him in months.”
Akane looks serious for a moment, “Well…there isn't anyone else, is there? Anyone you feel…a special kind of close to? Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy and happy any time they are around? Maybe…maybe that’s why you’re unsure?”
I shake my head, “There isn’t anyone else like that.”
She nods, “I see. Um...well then…you should really think hard about that boy from back home. And Daiki. And figure out how you feel about both of them.”
I sigh, “I was hoping you two would just give me an answer for him.”
Chiyo smiles, “Love…is a complicated thing. It can be hard to have a clear answer.”
Akane nods, “We both agree it sounds like you like Daiki. But if you’re hung up on this other boy, you aren't ready to be with him. Only you can figure that out.”
…
I'm in my room alone now.
After talking with Chiyo and Akane, and thinking it over, I think I've decided that I want to be Daiki's girlfriend.
I'm putting the Great Dango Family phone strap he got me on my phone. I hadn't yet, because it felt like doing so meant I accepted his feelings.
I smile at the phone strap and think about the person who got it for me. He’s so sweet to me and a really great guy. And I think he’s handsome. And he’s smart. And I like the idea of being in his big arms.
Just as I’m blushing over that last part, my phone rings in my hand.
Flustered, I answer, “H-hello?”
“Nagisa! Hey, it's Tomoya.”
My heart starts beating very fast.
“T-t-tomoya?!”
He laughs, “Yep, that's me. Your caller ID should have told you that, though.”
I laugh awkwardly, “I…forgot to check. Not too used to it yet.”
“Ahaha, that sounds about right. Anyway, I hadn't heard from you in a while and was thinking about you, so I decided to give you a call.”
He was…thinking of me? I didn't think he would be doing that. Does it mean something?
“You there? Is our connection bad?”
“I'm…here.”
“Good. How are things up there?”
“Good. It's…so nice to hear from you.”
“Yeah, nice to hear you too. So they treating you right up there? You been healthy?”
“Well…I got sick, but my medication and the nurse, and my friends here helped me. It was only a little over two weeks.”
“That's great, Nagisa. I am so happy to hear that. Great that you have some friends to help, too.”
“Yeah. I'm…better at making friends this year. I learned from last year.”
“Awesome.”
“Oh! And, I'm in drama club.”
“Yeah? Wasn't sure they would have that kind of thing.”
“They do! Only four members, but we’re doing a play in a few weeks.”
“That's great! Sounds like things there are going really great for you, better than at our school.”
“Yeah…in most ways, that's true. I miss all of you, though. How are things for you?”
“They are decent. Cram school is pretty tough, but Kotomi is making sure I'm on top of things.”
“That's good. Tell her ‘hi’ for me.”
“I will. Hey, listen, Kotomi and I will be back home this summer. Are you going home?”
I want to see him so badly. But…I don't think it's a good idea. This conversation isn't either. I could talk to him for hours like this. But I shouldn't.
“U-um…I might be. I'll let you know. Hey, I've…gotta go. Thanks for calling.”
He says goodbye and I hang up. I sit in silence for a moment, staring at the wall. Then I take the Great Dango Family phone strap off of my phone. I pick up my dango plush, get in bed with it, and I cry.
