"A wretched soul, bruised with adversity."
I take another long drag and flick the embers into the dark below."Are memories such an important thing?"
"It depends," she replies, and closes her eyes. "In some cases, they're the most important thing there is.”
Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami
Haruhiko shakes his head at me. He’s not very good at hiding his judgemental looks. His hands hold onto the scaffold railing for dear life. It’s a long way down old boy.
“Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.” I throw him that curveball.
He strokes his chin in thought. “Freud?”
“Ding ding ding,” I announce loudly.
“Like breaking and entering wasn’t bad enough,” Haru whispers.
“It’s not really breaking and entering if they leave the door open.” I reply normally. There’s no one around, and thus no need to whisper.
“So much for covert.” Interjects the fun police.
“Or what? The Yamaku Secret Service will beat us senseless?” I reply sarcastically.
“Careful Ritsu, you’re beginning to sound like my dorm-mate.” Hisao laughs, referencing that strange guy who lives across the hall from him. He walked out of his room completely naked while I was knocking on Hisao’s door one time. I’ve never seen him since. Not that I’ve been dying to see him again.
“They’re real,” I laugh. “We call them the student council.”
“Mean,” Haru replies, looking quite frightened. Whether he’s more afraid of the height or of the prospect of the student council duo hearing me remains to be seen.
The three of us shimmy in between the scaffold frame and the window of the second floor science classrooms. I peer into the dark classroom and can just about make out the tables and chairs. It’s a bit creepy, being half inside school during the night, but it’s also kind of exhilarating. I can see myself sitting in Mr Takami’s biology class, staring out the very window I’m now looking in from. The daytime version of me and the nighttime version of me separated by a pane of glass.
A gust of wind makes the various pieces of plastic cladding and tarp flutter, and the scaffold groans from below. Hisao’s face betrays him, as he looks down with obvious terror. Haru offers him a reassuring smile and gently rubs his back.
“Careful now you two. I wouldn’t want poor Molly to worry about the nature of your friendship.” I tease, and before either of them can reply with something witty, the scaffold groans and shakes again.
I grab the railing with only a little difficulty. My fingers are a little cold; my wrist splints make it a little difficult to wear gloves and were it not for the cigarette, I’d have them tucked into my pocket. Haru and Hisao are lucky to be able to wear their mittens.
We slowly climb the ramp up, the groaning of the scaffold the only sound between us.
With the winds settled a little we lower ourselves onto the edge of the platform, the piping of the scaffold like one of those rollercoaster safety guards between us and a seriously long drop. Hisao reaches for his backpack and produces a large thermos, as well as a sleeve of Styrofoam cups.
“Should we be drinking coffee this late?” Haru asks, ever the fusspot. He lifts the sleeve of his jacket to see his watch. “Even if it is technically morning.”
I feel the warmth of my cigarette beginning to burn the tips of my fingers but take one final drag. It burns my lips a little, but the momentary warmth makes it worth the risk. With a final flick, the embers spiral into the shadows below.
“Relax Haru,” Hisao replies with a tender smile. “It’s hot chocolate tonight.”
I clap and rub my hands together softly. Both to fight the chill and in anticipation of one of Hisao’s hot chocolates - he uses melted chocolate rather than that powdery stuff. C’est magnifique.
“I suppose this is one of the last times we can come up here before winter break.” Haru offers a bit solemnly.
“Mmm.” Hisao hums in agreement. I look out toward the horizon.
Yamaku fortunately, or unfortunately if you’re one the less mobile students, sits on a hilltop. One of the first things I noticed when I arrived here was the view. Below Yamaku there’s a sleepy little town, but the way it's nestled between hills, you’d think it was invisible to the world. It always feels like a privilege to be able to see it. Like only a few people will ever get to see it, with most driving by completely oblivious to its existence. A few lights punctuate the dark: late night workers, early morning risers.
I take the hot chocolate Hisao offers me. It’s warm, and delightfully thick.
“Where did you learn to make hot chocolate like this, man?” I ask.
Hisao smiles.
“The winter holidays are one of the few times that my parents take time off. It’s tradition in the Nakai household to make hot chocolate, usually with marshmallows and chocolate.” Even in the cold, I can see the memory warming him up. “We don’t spend much time together, so it’s special to me.”
“Well, you stiffed us on the marshmallows,” Haru teases, taking a swig of his own drink. “This is really…”
“Delicious.” I finish for him.
“Are you two heading home for the holidays?” Hisao asks.
“We haven’t decided yet,” Haru answers and I nod my head in agreement.
Haru and I don’t live together, but we’re from the same village. His dad and my dad play golf together, or something equally posh. My dad owns a pharmaceutical company, and Haru’s dad works as the CEO for it. They often joked that it was some kind of cruel twist of fate that both of their children would be born with abnormalities, but at least we’d always have each other.
“My family aren’t big on together time, so Haru and I were thinking of spending it at his dad’s cabin way out in the sticks.” That’s a bold-faced lie. My family absolutely loves together time. Too much. And they always invite my asshole uncle. And they all get way too drunk.
Haru simply nods in confirmation. Some people say we’re like siblings. We go everywhere together. Do everything together. We even wear the same hairband, though that was because I found a pack with two, not because we’re secretly twins.
“Shall we get to the reason I summoned you two here today?” I ask, and they both give me their attention.
I offer my cup to the sky.
“To the science club, and its fearless president.”
Hisao laughs, and Haru gives him another gentle pat on the back.
We toast, our legs dangling above the dark grounds of Yamaku below. Somewhere below, in the cold and sleepy town, the morning dew starts to settle. A light in a bedroom goes on. A mother checks on her crying child. A man lets his car run to thaw the ice on his windshield. I don’t see any of it, but it’s fun to imagine.
“There wouldn’t be a science club if it wasn’t for you,” Hisao says almost solemnly, offering me his cup to toast, “I wouldn’t have a lot of what I have now, if it wasn’t for you.”
I shrug and press my cup to his, “Nonsense, you’d have been adopted by some other clique. Or maybe you’d have ended up in Shizune’s clutches. I can imagine a world where she trapped you.”
“What a world,” Hisao laughs.
I can still remember Hisao’s first day at Yamaku all that time ago. How he seemed like a man outside of his own body, and how he was being pulled in all directions. He’s a handsome guy, so there were a few interested girls. Maybe he was just thankful to become friends with a girl who wasn’t trying to get into his pants.
“Besides, we’d still be getting tutoring from Lezard if it wasn’t for you.” Haru adds, shuddering at the thought. Or perhaps the cold. Maybe it’s both.
Hisao shakes his head. “What a knob.”
Haru laughs in agreement. “Unequivocally. I wish you had met him before you joined. Or seen his face when he found out you and Molly were an item.”
I wince a bit at the memory. Lezard threatened to ‘kick Hisao’s ass’. I’m not even sure he could do that, but a friend of Molly’s, Taro, put a stop to that idea quite quickly. It was extremely pathetic watching Lezard storm off crying.
With another strong gust of wind, one end of the tarp below us becomes partially untethered and the whole structure shakes violently. I grip onto the railing with both hands, and it absolutely kills. Hisao and Haru both grab on to the piece we’re sitting on, and another groan comes from somewhere within the structure.
“That one was exciting,” I laugh. Haru’s hair has come untied and starts flapping around in front of his eyes. “Aren’t you glad I texted you both?”
Haru rolls his eyes and scoffs.
Hisao simply chuckles. I’m glad he’s more fun now, he used to be a bit of a buzzkill, “Nothing better than waking up at one-am for a near-death experience.”
“If you would only stop meeting girls after mildly cryptic messages, your lifespan would be far higher.” I tease. I don’t often joke about Hisao’s condition or the heart attack that landed him here, but sometimes an opportunity presents itself. He takes it well, offering a sad little chuckle. All three of us watch the tarp below flutter helplessly in the wind, a flag signalling that we should probably get down soon.
“If I didn’t meet girls after cryptic messages, I wouldn’t have met Molly. Or you guys.” He smiles with a nostalgic and solemn look on his face.
“You also wouldn’t be up here, endangering your life and losing out on your sleep.” Haru jokes.
“True,” Hisao pretends to scratch his chin in thought.
I reach into my pocket and fiddle with the cigarette packet. Below, the silhouette of the trees sway and the quiet town starts to slowly wake up.
I pull out my phone. No messages. No reply.
“Who would call you at this time?” Hisao asks, hoisting himself up and extending a hand to Haru.
“Nobody, I just thought I felt a text.” I lie.
Haru raises an eyebrow suspiciously but doesn’t press the matter. He shimmies over and helps me up.
The three of us make our way back down, carefully. Aside from a small gust that forces us all to grab the rails, it’s fairly uneventful. I’ve never actually seen the night security here, but as we walk back through the empty pathways Hisao looks over his shoulder a lot - like someone who is afraid of getting caught.
“Relax man,” I tell him with a reassuring smile. Haru and Hisao are walking on the path, like chumps, while I strut along the pathway railing.
“If you fall over, I’m leaving you there.” Hisao says.
“I’d kick you, for good measure.” Haru adds with a playful smirk.
With friends like these...
Before long, we’re parting at the fork between the dorms. I give them both a fist bump and roll back onto my heels.
Sometimes it feels as if the night is the only time I own. Not that you can ever actually own time, but there are less expectations at night. You can be more honest; you can be the person you really are. My phone vibrates in my pocket.
“Yeah, I’m awake. You want to come over?”
I bite my thumbnail, and head in the direction of the boys’ dorm.
Haru and I don’t do everything together.
Any more.
_____________________________________________________________________________
“You animal!”
Molly laughs, wrestling with Hisao and the curry bread he tried to force-feed her.
“Thump him Molly,” I encourage her, but she’s a terrible martial artist and quickly finds her face covered in crumbs.
Haru picks up his own bread and looks at me suggestively.
“Just try it,” I dare him. He quickly drops the bread and offers a surrender with his hands in the air.
The cafeteria is bustling today. Not many people want to sit outside considering how cold it’s getting, and since they had that allergy scare last month, the food has significantly improved.
On a table a few rows back, Lezard and Akio from my class are chatting to some second-year girls. Akio sees me looking and waves, whilst Lezard just looks straight through me. I wave to them both and return to my own meal.
“I told you I wasn’t hungry,” Molly laughs, brushing the crumbs from her cheek. “I swear you never listen.” She says it playfully, but that’s quite the scathing criticism of Hisao, and he scoffs in mock indignation.
“The thanks I get for ensuring that my girlfriend eats,” he shakes his head. “Sometimes this boyfriend malarky is a thankless job.”
“Heroic,” Haru comments. “President Nakai continues his enduring legacy of being a truly compassionate soul.”
Taro coughs from beside me. The guy is really imposing.
Being sandwiched between Taro and Haru doesn’t give me much space, but it was the only way to squeeze everyone onto one table. Beside Haru, Misaki plays with her phone, and opposite her, sat beside Hisao, Takashi doodles something in that little leather notebook he’s always carrying around. I suspect it’s full of drawings of Misaki; he’s apparently been in love with her since they arrived here in first year, though she friend zoned him pretty hard.
With the whole science club sat around one table you’d expect us to be discussing something intellectual, but until Hisao attacked Molly with the bread we’d spent the lunch break making jokes about the substitute biology teacher’s moustache. This is just how lunch goes at Yamaku, or at least it is since Hisao joined us several months ago. They used to be the same, but smaller, and with Lezard.
Taro waves over to a group of second years and one approaches the table. He offers Taro a fist bump, and the two start discussing something. It’s not one I know personally, but I recognise him. He taps Taro on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear.
“Thank you, Ashai.” Taro replies, “Keep up your exercises huh, gonna get swole!” and the guy flexes his muscles before returning to his own friends.
“One of your second year friends?” Molly asks.
Taro laughs. He has a deep laugh. I think I’m a little bit afraid of him.
“I know everyone and everything, nothing happens on this campus without my knowledge,” He laughs. “Like how you three went climbing last night.” His eyes narrow in on Hisao across from him, and then he gives Haru and I the same stare.
Christ I really am frightened by him. In an admirable sort of way, I think.
“How scandalous!” Misaki exclaims, maybe a little offended to not get the invite.
“Didn’t invite the whole gang? That’s cold guys.” Takashi shakes his head mockingly. Molly has a sort of wistful look, but it’s obvious why we didn’t invite her. And I didn’t invite the others because I didn’t want to. Simple.
“The scaffolding, again?” Molly playfully smacks Hisao.
“It was Ritsu’s idea, smack her.”
Coward!
Haru lifts his hand to smack me, but I catch his wrist and flick him on the nose with my other hand.
“I just wanted one more adventure before winter break,” I explain to a table full of curious faces.
They all nod in agreement. Other than Takashi, I don’t think any of them are hurt that I didn’t invite them.
“What did you guys talk about?” Misaki asks, popping open the tab on a can of coffee and offering it to me.
God, I love her.
I take a sip and offer her the rest of my rice, which she politely declines. “The club, and what our plans are for the holiday. That sort of thing.” I answer.
“And how much of an asshole Lezard is,” Haru says. “It was really windy too; I think it was a poorly thought-out assassination attempt by Ritsu.”
“If I wanted to kill you, I wouldn’t push you off of a building like some coward,” I pat Haru on the head. “Boyo.”
“So, what are you two doing for the holidays?” Takashi asks, grouping us out of instinct.
I give the same shrug I offered last night to Hisao.
“We’re going to spend it at my father’s lake house,” Haru answers for me. “My family gets a bit…”
“Overbearing.” I finish for him.
Apparently, that’s my holiday plans sorted now, which is fine. I was only waiting for Haru to confirm that we could spend it together anyway. I wonder how much he actually wants to spend the holiday with me, or if he’s just trying to protect me, again. He’s gotten quite good at that, but he’s had a lot of practice.
Takashi nods and looks to Taro.
“Spending it with my family. Get to see my little brother and sister again, and the Arai family go big on Christmas.”
Takashi chuckles.
“The infiltration from the west makes its foothold in the Arai house.” He laughs, and Taro just looks at him confused.
Me too, Taro. What a weird thing to say.
“What’re you doing for the holidays, Molly?” I ask her since she’s taken on a bit of a glum expression.
She swallows.
“I’ll be staying on campus. It’s only me and my stepdad back home, and I try to keep as much distance as possible.” Hisao shoots her a look I don’t recognise. “We used to celebrate Christmas too, but I never really liked the holiday. Lots of family; lots of awkward looks. Lots of alcohol.”
The table adopts her solemn look. It’s not hard to imagine the holiday turning awkward, and I can sympathise with wanting to avoid your family. I can sympathise more than anyone.
Hisao wears a sad expression, and he whispers something in Molly’s ear. The two become engrossed in their own little world.
“I’m probably going to spend it here as well,” Takashi adds, talking only to Haru and me now. Taro is doing something on his phone.
“I’m heading home, but I’m only an hour or so away, so I might be back and forth. Depends how much homework I have.” Misaki says without looking at us. It’s obvious she’s trying to snoop on Hisao and Molly’s conversation.
Thankfully, her snooping is interrupted by the chime of the bell. Classes.
Haru and I get up in perfect sync. Molly and Hisao don’t budge, locked in a heated conversation. I reach across the table and tap him on the shoulder.
“Oh, right.”
The seven of us meander back to class, with Taro at the back like a bouncer and Hisao and Molly still talking privately.
I pull on Haru’s arm.
“So, we’re spending the winter break together then, that’s a definite?”
“Yeah,” he replies bluntly. “Look, I know you don’t want to go back home, and my dad said it was alright if we took the lake house, provided we do some jobs for him.” Haru wraps his arm around me. “Besides, I like spending the holidays with you.”
The arm hold becomes a sideways hug.
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he laughs. “We’re the science club twins. We do everything together.”
Takashi looks back at us with an amused smile, turning his whole body so as to walk backwards.
“You know that isn’t what they call you, right?”
“Shut up Takashi,” Haru laughs.
“Yeah, shut up Takashi.”
“Shutting up!” He replies, walking backwards into class with his hands up in the air.
I look around the class, and it seems that we’re some of the last to arrive. A few empty tables remain, like Ikezawa’s, who I’ve never really understood but who has come out of her shell a little and who I’ve seen chatting with the newspaper duo before. Akio and Lezard, who must still be hobbling behind us, are nowhere to be seen.
I give Natsume, Naomi and Hanako a wave and a smile as I pass by them, which they all reciprocate. In front of my desk, Shizune and Misha are already scribbling away writing notes, and I give them a stern look, which they ignore. Everyone gives Hisao and Molly a wave though. I wonder if that’s a nice feeling, to be almost universally well-liked.
Finally, Akio and Lezard enter just moments before Mutou. Akio gives me a pleasant nod and returns a pen he borrowed before lunch with a guilty sort of smile. Lezard looks at me, maybe looking for something inside me, but he finds nothing and sits down.
“Actually,” Akio whispers. “I think I still need that pen.”
I laugh and huck it at his head.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I watch the thin wisp of smoke trail up from the tip of my cigarette. Below me, the cladding around the scaffolding flutters carelessly.
“You’re just like your father,” Haru whispers through a yawn.
“I think basic human anatomy might disagree with you.”
Haru fakes a laugh. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m deliberately ignoring you,” I reply coldly, and take another drag. “You speak an infinite deal of nothing,” I tell him.
Haru laughs genuinely this time. “Shakespeare.”
I raise my eyebrows at him, surprised he got it. He always hated Shakespeare when we were younger.
“Educated guess.”
“Games of quotation,” I whisper.
Below us, the lights of the town have mostly gone out. The occasional glittering light from a passing car, the soft glow of the streetlights, the gentle ebb and flow of a blinking crane light; they’re all that stand between the valley and total darkness.
Haru pulls his winter jacket across his chest, he’s holding a small torch. “Anyway, friends tell each other hard truths.”
I sigh and offer him my hand. He takes it, carefully wrapping his fingers around my brace. I think I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, but it's a phantom. A biting wind hits me, and I nestle into Haru’s arms.
“The year is coming to its end, huh?” I change the subject.
I feel Haru nod, his chin lightly brushing my head as he does. “Have you thought about college? Where we might want to go?”
I haven’t, and I shake my head accordingly, “Somewhere far away, maybe another country.” I say between puffs.
“We can go anywhere - anywhere you want, Ritsu.” He rubs my shoulder gently. He’s the only person in the world that really gets me.
“I’m not me without you,” I tell him.
“One soul in two bodies,” he replies, squeezing me a little tighter. “I’m serious though, you need to quit that.”
“Aristotle,” I bat him away with the hand holding my cigarette. He’s always getting on my case about smoking. It is a bit taboo here, what with all the breathing trouble kids and the like, but he knows better than anyone the reason I smoke from time to time.
“So, looks like we’ll see some snow soon enough,” Haru says, talking about nothing as he often does when he’s nervous.
“What’s on your mind?” I ask him, cutting through the bullshit to the real reason he’s all sweaty.
He laughs.
“You’ve always been able to do that,” he gives me another squeeze. “Getting to the chase then.”
He takes a deep breath.
“Your dad and my dad will be driving us to the cabin, they said they have big news.”
I shiver. Maybe it’s from the cold. Maybe.
“That sounds ominous,” I finally say. Haru simply nods. “Usually, their big news involves us.”
“Maybe it’s something innocuous, it might not even matter.”
“Who’re you kidding?”
“Yeah, right.” He sadly admits.
There are no strong gusts tonight, the scaffold doesn’t rattle or groan, but I still find myself gripping the railing tightly. Below us the pointed trees shoot upward like pikes, ready to pierce us if we fall.
“Yamaku isn’t so bad. Once upon a time that was big news.” Haru tries to reassure me. He’s sweet like that.
“It’s ok,” I tell him. “I’ll have you.”
“Always.” He tells me.
I think back to last winter break, when my dad and his brother drank themselves into a stupor and danced around the house. When my uncle grabbed me by the wrists, and my parents made me feel guilty for crying out in pain. How I was the one killing the vibe. Or the winter break before, when Haru’s dad and my dad got so drunk they started arguing about whose child was more of a freak. I learned a long time ago that our dads always get what they want, and that we’re nothing more than failing assets to them.
I look back to Haru. His hair flutters gently in the breeze, his deep brown eyes scanning the horizon for a way out of that upcoming car ride. He won’t find one. His touch lingers on me.
Dad has a way of getting what he wants.
The first few snowflakes settle on us, and Haru exhales deeply. “I guess I’m psychic,” he finally says.
“It was snowing earlier, idiot.”
“Then I guess I’m perceptive,” he laughs.
My phone vibrates in my pocket again, but Haru doesn’t react. Not that perceptive, I guess. I untangle myself from him and wrestle it out from my pocket. They don’t make my pockets wide enough for the wrist supports.
The faint green light of the screen burns my eyes in the blistering dark. One new message. “I’ll be up for a little longer, but you have to be out early tomorrow morning, I’m meeting someone for breakfast.” The low light from my phone illuminates my face, and Haru’s eyes lock in on mine with a perceptible look of concern.
With the dim light of his torch and the gentle glow of my phone, we become two lights beneath the canopy of snow. Beyond the haze of clouds above, an infinite number of stars shine on dutifully. I can’t see them, but I know they’re there.
I take another long look at Haru. I need to see him, to know he’s there.
“So that was weird at lunch, right?” Haru asks, without breaking eye contact.
“What was?” I look back at him.
“Molly and Hisao.”
“The curry bread thing?”
Haru laughs. “No, the not knowing about each other’s holiday plans thing. You’d think they would have talked about it.”
I shrug. I think I might know Molly better than Haru. Again, he’s not really that perceptive.
“I don’t think it’s that simple,” I explain. “But I think it’s best we don’t get involved.”
Haru grunts, and hoists himself up, offering me a hand. It shoots through the dismal snow.
“Come on, it’s late and cold.”
I accept the help, even if it’s still relatively early by my standards.
“Besides, you have someone to see, right?”
Ok, maybe he’s more perceptive than I thought.
“I uh –“
“I don’t really want to know, Ritsu.” He sighs. “Especially if it’s with the person I think it is.”
I just stand beside him, and for a moment his torch light shines away from me. Redshift, I think to myself.
After a minute or two of standing together in the silence and the snow, he places his hand up and our palms touch.
“It’ll only end one way; it always does with you.”
“That was different,” I protest.
“Not really,” he sighs again.
The cigarette burns against my fingers, causing me to fling it by reflex into the dark below.
“Are you still angry, Haruhiko?” I ask.
He shakes his head.
“Friends shouldn’t be so judgemental,” I tell him.
“Friends tell each other hard truths,” he repeats himself. “They just don’t hold it against each other.”
I instinctively reach for another cigarette, and Haru grabs my wrist gently.
The snow gets a little heavier, and our lights shine a little dimmer.
_____________________________________________________________________________
The bell signalling the end of class comes as quite the shock. Since the invention of the science club, Mr Mutou is like a new man when he teaches. He has so much more passion for it, or maybe the passion was always there, and I just couldn’t tune in. Now, with Hisao as our president and tutor, it’s like everything has come into focus.
I guess that’s only true for those of us in the science club, as Akio is quick to launch himself out of his seat. I watch him pocket my pen, and effectively fling his books into his school bag. They make a sickening crunch, and he scowls, realising he’s broken something in there. He quickly relaxes and shoots me a smile though.
At the front of the class, Hisao has wandered over to Haru’s desk, and the two are talking about something I can’t make out over the sound of end-of-day chatter. I turn back to my workbook and continue scribbling down my notes.
Misaki taps me on the shoulder with Takashi in tow.
“You want to head into town with us, we’re going to visit the Shanghai one last time before winter break.” Takashi asks.
I keep writing but give them my grateful smile, “Nah, you guys go ahead. I have some things I need to do before winter break.”
“Ominous!” Misaki laughs, and I roll my eyes.
They head out of the classroom, stopping to talk to Hisao and Haru as they do. Molly has also found her way over there. The whole science club, sans me.
Mr Mutou looks up from his desk and gives me a polite nod. For some reason, it makes me a bit sad to know we won’t be having another science club meeting for a while. I wonder if he has a nice holiday planned, but for some reason I just can’t imagine it.
Molly gestures for me to join them, and I gently place my notebook back into my rucksack. Learn from my mastery, Akio.
“These two are trading secrets,” Molly giggles. “I’m going to need help extracting info out of them.”
I hold my hands up and chuckle, “I’m afraid I’m not much of a torturer Molls, but I can probably beat something out of Haru.”
Haru crosses his arms and pouts, mimicking Hisao’s posture.
“I have no secrets.” He exclaims as I grab him by the ear.
“Then I guess I’ll just beat you,” I say, lifting my hand menacingly. Mutou coughs, as if announcing his presence as a responsible safeguarding agent.
“Haru won’t spill his secrets, sir.” Molly explains, and Mutou gives her a sympathetic look.
“Well, you could always beat Mr Nakai,” he suggests with a playful smile.
“Good idea,” she replies, and I let go of Haru’s ear. Not that I was pulling very hard anyway.
I grab Hisao by the ear instead, and he looks over to Mutou for support.
“I’m quitting the science club.” He mutters under his breath, and Mutou lets out a short laugh.
“Ok, ok, I think that’s enough now,” he starts to gather his things into that little brown satchel he carries everywhere. “You lot should probably get going.”
The four of us exit into the hallway, and Hisao gives Molly a kiss on the cheek. How cute.
“Sticking your bruiser on me was a bit mean,” he whispers, loudly.
“Bruiser?” I hold up my hands with their blue splints.
“Sorry! Your…” he trails off as we meander slowly down the hall to the stairs. He gives Haru some pleading eyes.
“On your own man, on your own.”
After a loud and exaggerated sigh from Hisao, the four of us share a laugh.
“Ok, so it wasn’t even a secret anyway, but…” Haru trails off, gesturing for Hisao to continue the explanation.
“Well, you mentioned how you didn’t have any plans for the holiday, and Haru was kind enough to invite us to stay with him and Ritsu at the cabin for a few days.” Hisao beams, but Molly doesn’t reciprocate the smile.
“Spending a romantic holiday together?” Molly asks. It’s hard to read her expression.
Well, spending a romantic holiday with us.
“Well, spending a romantic holiday with us,” Haru laughs. Maybe he really is psychic.
“I thought it might make for some happy memories, to replace the bad ones.” Hisao says proudly. For someone so smart, Hisao can really speak without thinking sometimes.
“Good memories don’t wash out the bad ones, Hisao,” Molly says sternly before taking a deep breath. “But I think it’s really sweet of you to invite us, Haru, Ritsu.” She thinks for a moment then pulls us both into a hug. “I’d love to join you, provided we’re not doing Christmas.”
“We wouldn’t dream of it,” I explain. And I mean it, I have absolutely no interest in celebrating a romantic holiday with them and Haru.
We keep walking in a comfortable kind of silence. It’s a shame, I was looking forward to spending the holiday away from everyone aside from Haru. Besides, I remember telling him not to get involved, and yet here we are. Our two becomes four; cells divide.
We make it outside into the biting early evening air. Hisao and Molly wrap themselves up in one another, and Haru pulls his jacket tight across his chest.
“Misaki and Takashi have gone to the Shanghai, what say you scientists to a little field trip?” Hisao asks with a laugh.
Everyone else nods, and Haru aims a puzzled look at me.
“I have a thing,” I explain lamely.
“A thing?” Molly asks. She looks into my eyes and has this way of extracting any information she wants.
“A thing.”
“Ok then, just us three.” She relents. But somehow, I feel as if she knows where I’m going.
Haru gives me that same look from the other night, the one that he swears isn’t judgemental.
“Joyous,” he states bleakly as Hisao and Molly grab him by each arm and start heading towards the gate. I wave them off and turn quickly around.
It’s already getting dark, not quite pitch black, but dark enough for the automatic lights along the path to start freaking out and begin turning on and off again, as they struggle to determine night from day. I feel a bit like that, a liminal flickering light.
The grounds have become a bit barren with the arrival of winter. Lots of dead shrubbery, lots of cold and hard ground. Lots of intermingling frozen breaths from the students who jostle back and forth along the paths.
Quite far ahead, I see the thing I need to do slowly walking back to the dorms all alone. I speed up to catch him and he tilts his head at me quizzically.
“Ritsu,” he says, almost in a whisper.
“Lezard,” I whisper back as we acknowledge one another’s existence. I take in the sight of his sharp and powerful face.
We walk in relative silence, only the sounds of our footsteps and the sounds of chatter coming from the students around us. No one pays us any attention, even as I wordlessly follow him towards the boy’s dormitory. I guess we’re both a little unremarkable.
We wordlessly end up in front of his room.
“One more time, before winter break?” He asks, and I answer him with a kiss.
We fall into his room and the door slams behind us, both tearing each other’s clothes off and flinging them around the room.
“You know, I never asked.” He manages between frantic kisses. I grab his hand and guide it to my throat. “Why me?”
“You were there,” I explain, the memory of showing up outside his door in the rain and his wordless acceptance flowing back into me. “You’ve become a physical necessity.”
“I thought you hated me,” he half-asks half-states as he pins me to the wall.
I grab onto his arms. His powerful, firm arms.
“I can’t,” I tell him. “I love you too much to hate you.”
“Dependency,” he whispers. “The feelings of love and hate are closely related. It’s a perverse kind of love,” Lezard explains, dominating me. “But I love you all the same.”
“A physical necessity,” I repeat as our sex becomes increasingly brutal.
“Orwell,” I hear Haru say from somewhere inside of me.
_____________________________________________________________________________
“Satisfied?” Haru asks me. The moon hangs low behind him.
“Don’t be gross, Haru.”
He snickers, grabbing onto the railing of the scaffold just as a strong wind makes it rattle. Below, the lights and sounds of the town are all silent. It’s cold tonight.
“So, Takashi and Misaki are also going to be joining us for winter break, just a heads up.”
I sigh. Not that I dislike them, but I was already a bit put out that Molly and Hisao would be joining us. Attempts to brighten the holiday tend to make them a little darker. Still, it’s not my house, so I can’t exactly make a big stink about it.
“It will still just be us for the first couple of days,” he reassures me, “and they’re only staying for like two nights.”
He reaches over and offers me his hand. Our fingers interlink, my wrist support peeking out from beneath my hoodie. Lezard’s hoodie.
“Do you really hate him?” I ask, and it takes a minute for Haru to process my question.
“Lezard? No, not really. He helped us a lot last year, before Hisao.” He takes a deep breath and exhales a plume of frozen air. “But that doesn’t mean I agree with you and him, as an item.”
I reach into my pocket and pluck out a packet of cigarettes. Haru doesn’t say anything.
“Why?” I ask him, but I think I already know the answer.
“Don’t make me say it, Ritsu.” He chuckles sadly. Below us, that piece of tarp that has fluttered around with abandon every night has been pegged down and secured again. For some reason, that makes me feel a little sad.
“You’re not in love with me. Not like that. Not anymore.” I tell him.
He shakes his head, “It doesn’t work that way though, not really.” He explains. “The love I have for you, the love we share, it doesn’t sit neatly in one categorisation. I warned you that this could happen…”
“But I insisted anyway,” I answer his implied accusation. It’s a conversation I’m familiar with. “I don’t regret being one another’s landmarks, each other’s firsts.”
He shakes his head again, “Nor do I. I don’t have any regrets. But if you want me to be happy for you and someone else, I’ll need more time.”
A light from way down in the town flicks on.
“I need you in my corner, Haru.”
“I’ll always be in your corner, but I can’t just turn off one side of me, Ritsu.”
I squeeze his hand, “I know, and I’m sorry.”
I think back to our years in middle school, our awkward first kiss. Our first years at Yamaku, seeing each other in secret. People must have suspected, until the rumour that we were secret siblings spread and killed any dirty rumours that might have persisted. It might have helped kill the attraction as well.
Good friendships don’t always make for good relationships. I’ve learnt that, now. And you can love someone without wanting them, too.
“If you like him that much, why keep it a secret anyway?” Haru asks, plucking at the plastic wrap along the scaffold.
“Maybe it’s part of the thrill,” I explain. “Maybe it’s because everyone is so nasty about him all the time.”
Haru laughs sadly, “he doesn’t exactly help himself, especially with the whole Molly thing. You sure you’re not just a rebound?”
“Maybe I am.” I shrug. “We don’t get to choose the people we fall for.”
Haru lets go of my hand and watches as I light up a cigarette. This time he doesn’t make a snide remark or judge me.
“I’m not sure that’s true,” he counters. “We place ourselves in love’s way. If someone is bad news, we have a choice to avoid them. Too many people pretend that there’s some grand plan or some destiny that makes us fall for that special person, but there isn’t. We choose the people we fall in love with, and propinquity makes it so.”
“That’s sad, Haru. And a bit boring.”
Haru looks out towards the low light of the town, “That’s life. Boring and sad, with some things in between.”
I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, the soft green light still manging to sting my eyes.
I thumb out a text to Lezard.
“I want to be with you.” I text him.
It’s unrealistic to expect him to reply instantly. He might even be asleep, although I have been messing with his schedule quite dramatically since we started hooking up. Still, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed that he doesn’t immediately reply.
“Ritsu?” Haru asks, his hands hanging limply by his side and his legs dangling off the scaffold.
“Haru.”
“What if I always feel this way?”
“What way, Haru?”
“Trapped,” he replies.
I watch the embers pulsate on the end of my cigarette. It’s funny, but I never noticed how much they resemble a heartbeat, slowly moving closer and closer toward my fingertips.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. A text from Lezard.
“I’m all in if you are.”
Haru looks to me for a response to his question.
But I don’t have any response to give.
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Seriously, this cut deeper than a lot of stuff I've read on here because it feels deeply personal to some of my own experiences so, y'know, thanks for the trauma! 
