It's just me this time! I read over your latest chapter and I wanted to write down my thoughts. As a whole, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm liking the direction that this story is heading. Let's dive in, shall we?
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Right off the bat, we get this gem. This joke really landed for me. Retroactively, I was surprised afterward that I had never heard anyone else use it—considering how much sense it makes for Shizune's character. Either way, an early joke like this was effective at starting this chapter off with a bang. It was a good hook.
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Next up, we meet our OC, Yuzuki. All in all, this was an effective introduction. A lot of information was conveyed, we get a good read on Yuzuki's personality, we get some foreshadowing for future chapters, and the pacing feels... just right. I'm glad that this story is cutting straight to the chase with the OC. Rather than setting Yuzuki up for twenty chapters, we spotted her in the cafeteria in Scene 1, then we meet her for real in Scene 2. This pacing feels good!
We see Yuzuki playing video games, which makes me wonder if that's going to be Hisao's way in to getting to know her. Maybe she can have LAN parties with Hisao and Kenji?
Now, I think it's time that I address the elephant in the room: Yuzuki's gigantism. As the other commenters have mentioned, the decision to have Yuzuki's gigantism only affect her breasts is a very risky move. However, unlike the other commenters, I have no issue with how her breasts were described, rather the concept in itself was what made me raise an eyebrow. Given how passionate you seem to be about KS and about this story, I know that you're probably not giving Yuzuki large breasts for the sake of 'fanservice.' I know that you're probably going to handle it respectfully, but still... I think what Razoredge said bears repeating:
Honestly, the idea that 'big boobs' could be a disability sounds laughable, and I think that CirnouliK knows this. I'm willing to bet that he's going to play on the ludicrous nature of Yuzuki's disability to make a unique story. Having such a disability must be incredibly embarrassing and shameful to Yuzuki—I can only imagine. Her disability feels almost like a joke, but with seven billion people on the planet, jokes inevitably become real. I can only imagine how it must feel for Yuzuki to be the butt of that kind of joke. None of the Katawa Shoujo heroines are embarrassed by their disabilities, so perhaps Yuzuki could give us something new. I suppose that one could argue that Hanako is embarrassed by her disability, but I don't really think that her 'embarrassment' is comparable to Yuzuki's embarrassment. Ah, but I'm getting ahead of myself. We're only two chapters in, after all. I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly.
But yeah, in case anyone is wondering, getting back pain from overly large breasts is actually a real thing that people have developed and been treated for—sometimes involving surgery. Perhaps what makes Hisao different from everyone else in school is that when he looks at her chest, he doesn't actually look at her chest. Instead, he looks at what's right in front of her at chest level: her gaming console.
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Next up, we are introduced to Hanako! She's a cutie in this story. As you've done with Hisao and Kenji, Hanako seems a little different here. A little less timid. A little easier to warm up to others. A little bolder. I can only imagine how you're going to change Lilly if/when it comes time to meet her.
I like this. I like how you're taking our established characters and given shaking them up a little bit. I appreciate it when the author is faithful to the source material, but I also appreciate it when someone tries something new for the sake of telling a story we haven't seen before. In this case, Hisao's optimism and positivity make the character fresh and interesting, and Kenji's more down-to-Earth nature makes him a little more approachable.
Speaking of Kenji...
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I LOVE this little bit. When Kenji says, "Have the girls population dwindled at all?" we are led to think that this Kenji might still be the crazy, paranoid antifeminist that he is in the main game, only for him to shrug it off with an "Eh, no reason..." CirnouliK is using our knowledge of VN Kenji to mess with us and I, for one, enjoy being messed with.
Then we get the following bit and realize that the old, paranoid Kenji might still live on a little after all...
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One last quick thing:
In this case, the words 'almost-unnoticeable' doesn't need the hyphen connecting them. The phrase works just fine without it.
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Well now, I've reached the end of my analysis. As I've stated at the beginning, I enjoyed this chapter. There is no repeated content from the VN, just as I was hoping for. The pacing remains zippy and fun. Your varied vocabulary is a highlight—I can recall off the top of my head the word 'lucid' sticking out to me. The paragraph breaks issue that Brister and I brought up last time was nowhere to be seen here. You're off to a great start! Looking forward tor reading more.
Take care, everyone!
