Hanako Fancopter wrote: ↑Mon Jun 04, 2018 7:03 pm
Man, Shizune is a biiiitch in her parts! But it's certainly one viable direction for the character, so I don't disapprove. Always good for the story to have a kind of villain.
That's the thing, though, she's not presenting enough risk to be the villain in her own right. The blackmail angle is tossed aside so quickly that I forgot about it until my reread. Her b-plot isn't providing enough support for the main conflict.
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Since I'm basically using the forums here to try and train myself on writing actual plot:
Shiz's section should reiterate her actual motivation at some point, even if it isn't changed to blackmailing Lilly. Further, it should probably end before Misha speaks to Lilly. This would make Misha switching sides into a more dramatic reveal. Shiz has enough information already to put together that this has something to do with Lilly, and ending her section with her stating what she knows (drama between Hisao and Hanako, Hanako and Lilly not hanging out, therefore maybe love triangle) would allow her to naturally restate that she's going figure out how to blackmail either Hisao or Lilly.
The conversation between Hisao and Shiz could remain basically the same, except instead of speculating wildly and revealing that she doesn't know anything, maybe have her threaten to go to the teachers about Hisao going into the girls' dorms as a bluff. Hisao might realize that this is a bluff but may not be able to hide his reaction well enough, forcing him to end the conversation with the counter-threat to report her for harassment. The section then continues to meeting Lilly in the side room with Misha unexpectedly present, boom plot twist.
The final chapter would need to have something to disarm the danger Shiz without overshadowing the result of the pregnancy test and its impact on Lilly and Hanako's friendship. We've also committed to switching perspectives every chapter, so the who narrates the last one is a challenging problem. Emi and Rin are too far removed from any of this. An OC would require a lot of setup and someone bringing in a teacher would be so risky that a happy ending from there could feel contrived.
I've got it! We open with an unnamed person listening in on the student council room as Hisao, Lilly, Hanako, and Misha plead with Shizune to act like a decent person. The narrator steps in to the room and reveals himself as the Nurse! Making the pregnancy a matter between Lilly and the nurse invokes patient confidentiality and prevents any blackmail attempt. Cowed by a superior authority figure, Shizune gives up the fight at Misha's request and maybe admits that she's being a lunatic (nah). Lilly thanks Hanako for getting the nurse involved and they make up. The actual results may or may not actually need to be revealed at this point and I'm not sure how to do any further wrap-up without revisiting one of the perspectives already used.
Hanako's favorite joke is The Aristocrats, but she never tells it because Lilly finds it really offensive. Instead, she practices her delivery in front of a mirror when she's alone. It's the only time she never stammers.
